Ricky Gervais - Armageddon (23) - video Dailymotion

Fyah TV Comedy

A stand-up show that touches on topics such as artificial intelligence, political correctness, family weddings, funerals, and the end of humanity. #comedy #standupcomedy #standup

Transcript

00:00:00You

00:00:30Thank you

00:00:32Thank you

00:00:34Thank you very much, cheers

00:00:36Thank you, no, shh

00:00:38Thank you

00:00:40No, you know the score

00:00:42Shut the fuck up

00:00:44Thank you

00:00:46Welcome to my new show, so new

00:00:48In fact, it's still evolving

00:00:50I've got bits tonight I haven't done before

00:00:52Right?

00:00:54If I had lib, I haven't even thought it before

00:00:56And I have some terrible fucking thoughts

00:01:00But you can't help that, can you?

00:01:02You can't choose your thoughts, they just appear

00:01:04It's too late, you have a thought

00:01:06And it goes, I'm a thought

00:01:08And you go, oh fuck, I thought that

00:01:12And then sometimes the thought will go

00:01:14Now say it

00:01:16And I say it

00:01:18And Netflix

00:01:22My last show Super Nature

00:01:24Dropped on Netflix last year

00:01:26Big Backlash, wasn't there?

00:01:28Big all

00:01:30Big backlash, people going, you can't say that

00:01:32You can

00:01:34You can

00:01:36I did

00:01:38Um

00:01:40Yeah

00:01:42The inevitable backlash

00:01:44Which made it the most watched special of the year

00:01:46So

00:01:47I've learnt my lesson

00:01:48Um

00:01:49No, I have learnt my lesson

00:01:51And that's why I'm going to be woke

00:01:53From now on

00:01:54It's about time

00:01:56Well, I'm sorry

00:01:57Well, I am woke

00:01:58And now I'm woke

00:01:59The first thing I've got to do

00:02:00Is change my Twitter bio

00:02:02Because at the moment it's like a list of the shows

00:02:04I've created

00:02:05But now I'm woke

00:02:06I've got to pop in the word

00:02:07Anti-fascist

00:02:10So people know I'm not a fascist

00:02:12Because that is a big problem

00:02:14At the moment

00:02:15Um

00:02:16People come up to me on the street

00:02:17And they go, Rick

00:02:18Have you been imprisoning journalists?

00:02:19I go, no

00:02:20They go, oh, interesting

00:02:22They go, have you been gassing Jews?

00:02:25I go, no

00:02:26They go, well, pop it in your bio then, you silly cunt

00:02:28So yeah, I'm not a fascist

00:02:38It's an odd thing to just declare, isn't it?

00:02:40That you're not a fascist

00:02:41We assume, don't we?

00:02:42You wouldn't go up to someone on the street and do that

00:02:44Would you?

00:02:45And go to, oh, by the way

00:02:46I'm not a fascist

00:02:47You know?

00:02:48It's like they protest too much

00:02:49It's like going into a school and going

00:02:51I'm not a pedo

00:02:52So

00:02:53Just

00:02:54Forget I even mentioned it

00:02:56So

00:02:57These kids are safe running round with

00:02:59They

00:03:00They can run round naked for all I care

00:03:02I'm not a pedo, so

00:03:04Of course, the word fascist has changed

00:03:11Traditionally, the word fascist meant a member of a far-right authoritarian regime

00:03:16That uses militarism and violence to suppress individual rights

00:03:20Now, the word fascist can mean like to Joe Rogan tweet

00:03:24So

00:03:25So

00:03:27Words change

00:03:28Yeah?

00:03:29And that's part of the reason

00:03:30I'm going to become woke

00:03:32Words change

00:03:33And I don't want to be left behind

00:03:34You know?

00:03:35I don't want to end up like my granddad

00:03:37In the 70s

00:03:38He was all like

00:03:39Coloured's this

00:03:40And queer's that

00:03:42Although

00:03:43The word queer

00:03:44Is alright again now

00:03:45So

00:03:46If you wait long enough

00:03:47It just goes full circle

00:03:48Just

00:03:50Just

00:03:51Just be patient

00:03:52Is my

00:03:53So yeah, you can use the word queer now

00:03:57You still can't use it as a noun

00:03:59Only as an adjective

00:04:00You can't go up to someone and go

00:04:01You're a queer

00:04:02But you can go

00:04:03Here about Darren

00:04:04He's queer now

00:04:05If Darren is definitely bent

00:04:10You can't go around just slagging off Darren willy-nilly

00:04:15Do you know what I mean?

00:04:16You can get sued in this country for saying someone's gay if they're not

00:04:20You know?

00:04:21Which is a homophobic law

00:04:22Because you can't be sued the other way round

00:04:24You can't be sued for saying someone's not gay if they are

00:04:28Which seems unfair, doesn't it?

00:04:31Like I could go up to Britain's biggest gay

00:04:33And go

00:04:34Alright Alton

00:04:35Alright

00:04:36And

00:04:37He'd love that

00:04:39He'd fucking love that

00:04:41If that's your game

00:04:42You want to be top of the pile, so to speak

00:04:45Right?

00:04:46I'd go

00:04:51Alright Alton

00:04:52He'd go

00:04:53Yeah

00:04:54I'd go

00:04:55Ha ha ha ha ha

00:04:56Ha ha

00:04:57You're not a gay

00:04:58He'd go

00:04:59I bloody am

00:05:00He'd go

00:05:01I'm gonna sue you

00:05:02I'd go

00:05:03You can't

00:05:04You can't

00:05:05He'd go

00:05:06But know that I am gay

00:05:07I'd go

00:05:08I don't believe you are

00:05:09He'd go

00:05:10Well come on with me and see the shit I do if you don't believe me

00:05:11Of course the word queer has changed

00:05:18Again traditionally the word queer used to mean

00:05:22Someone who was attracted to the same sex as themselves

00:05:26A gay man

00:05:27Now the word queer can mean a straight man who wants some attention

00:05:32I'm all queer, I'm all queer now

00:05:37Are you?

00:05:38Yeah

00:05:39I'm

00:05:40I'm right queer now

00:05:42I am

00:05:43Are you?

00:05:44Yeah

00:05:45What about your girlfriend?

00:05:46Yeah, she's queer and all

00:05:48We're just

00:05:49We're just two queers, queering each other up

00:05:53Suck a cock

00:05:54Nah

00:05:57No, didn't think so

00:05:59I'm not that sort of queer

00:06:01What sort of a queer are you?

00:06:03Died my hair blue

00:06:06So did my grandmother and she fucking loved cock

00:06:08So

00:06:10What are we saying?

00:06:15I have no evidence for that

00:06:18We never had that conversation

00:06:23So words change is my point

00:06:25Like the word handicapped

00:06:27Right?

00:06:28Again, traditionally that was the politically correct term

00:06:30The all-inclusive term for cripples and shit

00:06:33Right?

00:06:35But then they went

00:06:36No, we want to be disabled

00:06:38They didn't want to be disabled

00:06:39They said

00:06:40They said

00:06:41They said

00:06:42They said

00:06:43They said

00:06:44We want to be referred to as disabled

00:06:46We don't like the term handicapped anymore

00:06:48Stop using it

00:06:49Say disabled

00:06:50And we went, okay, fine

00:06:51And that's great

00:06:52Just tell me the rules

00:06:53In fact, I'm a stickler for the rules

00:06:54Like

00:06:55If I was on a beach

00:06:56And a woman came running up

00:06:57And went

00:06:58Help, help

00:06:59My handicapped toddler's drowning

00:07:00I'd go

00:07:01Sorry, you're what, love?

00:07:02What?

00:07:04My handicapped toddler's drowning

00:07:05He can't swim

00:07:06Whoa!

00:07:07Do you mean your disabled toddler is drowning?

00:07:09She'd go

00:07:10Yeah, I'd go

00:07:11Right, well, it's

00:07:12Oh, dead

00:07:14Wasted too much time being woke

00:07:16Woke, didn't I?

00:07:20Well, I am woke now

00:07:21And I can prove it

00:07:22Here you go

00:07:23I love illegal immigrants

00:07:25Yeah!

00:07:26Sue me

00:07:27Now

00:07:28Sometimes I go down to Dover

00:07:29For the day, right?

00:07:30And I

00:07:31I look out, right?

00:07:32I look

00:07:33Look for a boat

00:07:34And I see a dinghy

00:07:35With about 60 of them

00:07:36And I go

00:07:37Over here, like, right?

00:07:38And I pull them in

00:07:39I pull them into shore

00:07:40And I go

00:07:41Women and children first

00:07:42They go

00:07:43There are no women and children

00:07:44Just you lads, is it?

00:07:45Just, come on, lads!

00:07:46If I go down there one day

00:07:51And there's no boat

00:07:52I am absolutely fucking gutted

00:07:54I don't

00:07:55I just sort of wander into town

00:07:57And I stand by the traffic lights

00:07:59And I wait for a big lorry to pull up, right?

00:08:01And I look underneath

00:08:02And there's a lad

00:08:03Sort of clutching

00:08:04Like that

00:08:05And I go

00:08:06Where are you headed?

00:08:07And he goes

00:08:08Gary Lineker's house

00:08:09I go, it's just down there

00:08:10Yeah

00:08:16Fuck borders

00:08:18Fuck, we don't need borders, do we?

00:08:20Be like the Vikings

00:08:21They didn't care about borders, did they?

00:08:23I've got a little bit of Viking blood in me

00:08:25Well, we all have

00:08:26Because of all the raping they did

00:08:27They say it was raping and pillaging

00:08:32But I think it was mainly for the raping

00:08:34I think they added the pillaging bit for the wives

00:08:37I mean

00:08:38They went down one day

00:08:39Right, we're off to Great Britain

00:08:40Oh, why?

00:08:41Just a bit of pillaging

00:08:42Just pillaging

00:08:43Just pillaging

00:08:47Just pillaging, babe

00:08:49All right

00:08:52Why are you wearing your rape hat?

00:08:54So this show is called Armageddon

00:08:59And it's all about how I think humanity might end

00:09:02Because there's a long list of possibilities, you know

00:09:04We're on a precipice, you know

00:09:06It could be anything from global warming

00:09:10The rise of the pandemic, you know

00:09:13Nuclear war, our own stupidity, basically

00:09:17Because we are getting more stupid as a species

00:09:19No doubt about that

00:09:20You can now do a university degree course in Taylor Swift

00:09:24How fucking low academically can you go?

00:09:28There's an institute in London called the School of Flower Arranging

00:09:32I went past it, I couldn't believe it

00:09:34School of Flower Arranging

00:09:35I looked in and there's people having lectures

00:09:37Flower arranging

00:09:39My mum used to pick flowers every day from the garden

00:09:41Cut flowers, put them in vases around the house

00:09:43At no point did anyone come round and go

00:09:46What unqualified cunt did these?

00:09:48Yeah, the earth is in a terrible mess

00:09:55And it's my fault, my generation's fault

00:09:57And the generation before

00:09:58The boomers

00:09:59The boomers

00:10:00With their deforestation

00:10:01And their fossil fuels

00:10:02Ruining the ozone layer

00:10:04Raising the temperature by a few degrees

00:10:06So parasites, you know

00:10:08Bacteria

00:10:09And these zootropic pandemics

00:10:11Are just going to get worse and worse

00:10:13Like, if you're 20 years old now

00:10:15You're going to have a very different middle age to me

00:10:17I've had the best 60 years of civilization, right?

00:10:20But if you're 20 now, in 40 years time

00:10:23You're going to be in your house

00:10:24Wearing a mask

00:10:26Crying

00:10:27Like you do now over jokes

00:10:32And I'm not going to be around to see that

00:10:42But I am going to spend my entire fortune from now on

00:10:45On private jets to make sure it definitely fucking happens

00:10:51We're going to be the first generation

00:10:53That future generations are jealous of, right?

00:10:55Because we had it all

00:10:56And we're using it all up

00:10:57We're using up all the fresh water

00:10:59We're using up all the fossil fuel, right?

00:11:02Usually you look back in history

00:11:03And you feel sorry for it

00:11:04You go, oh, how did they live like that?

00:11:06Oh, how did they get around?

00:11:08No indoor toilets

00:11:10I've got nine toilets in my house

00:11:15And sometimes I just run around flushing them for a laugh

00:11:19Just so that in 40 years time

00:11:21Greta Thunberg has to shit out of a window

00:11:28I've got 28 radiators

00:11:30I always have them on full

00:11:32Then I put the air con on full

00:11:35And it sort of settles at about 20 degrees

00:11:38Lovely

00:11:39It's how the cat likes it

00:11:40She loves it at 20 degrees

00:11:41And I spoil my cat

00:11:43I love cats

00:11:44I love having a cat

00:11:45Think about it

00:11:46Cats are great

00:11:47But if you let them out

00:11:48They bring home the most disgusting things

00:11:50Last week

00:11:51Mine brought home a scouser with herpes

00:11:56And it wasn't quite dead

00:11:57So I had to get it by its legs

00:11:59And crack its head against the table

00:12:01Ooh

00:12:06And who cares

00:12:07If humanity was wiped out today

00:12:09The earth would return to a paradise

00:12:11In a few hundred years

00:12:12If we lose bees

00:12:13We're a desert

00:12:14Forever

00:12:15We're not that important

00:12:16We're just one species of narcissistic ape

00:12:19And some people on social media

00:12:21Get annoyed when I say we're apes

00:12:23You know, religious types

00:12:24Americans

00:12:25Um

00:12:26One bloke said to me

00:12:28Speak for yourself, dude

00:12:30I ain't no ape

00:12:31And I sent back

00:12:32We are

00:12:33Because we're all apes

00:12:34He went, nah

00:12:35What's a gorilla ever done?

00:12:36We've walked on the moon

00:12:37I sent back

00:12:38What do you mean we?

00:12:39You've done fuck all

00:12:41You've spelt moon wrong

00:12:46It's weird, isn't it?

00:12:47When people take credit

00:12:48For the sort of rest of the species

00:12:50Cause that's what's pushed civilization forward

00:12:52You know

00:12:53A few geniuses along the way

00:12:54Like

00:12:55There's eight billion people on this planet

00:12:57Most of us do nothing

00:12:58We eat shit and die

00:12:59Like

00:13:00If there was a meteor heading towards earth

00:13:03To definitely destroy it

00:13:04Four billion people would get down on their knees

00:13:06And pray to their particular god

00:13:08And a few hundred scientists

00:13:10Would work out how to get Bruce Willis up there

00:13:11To stop it

00:13:12It's an odd concept praying for me

00:13:16I can't work out how God decides

00:13:18All those people praying at once

00:13:20For different things

00:13:22Is it like best idea wins?

00:13:24Or

00:13:25Is it a democracy?

00:13:26Like he puts things at each issue

00:13:28He goes right

00:13:29Votes for and against

00:13:30You know

00:13:31If it's a democracy we're in trouble

00:13:32We're a tiny nation

00:13:33Like

00:13:34Next time there's a flood warning

00:13:35In the west country

00:13:36If we're all going

00:13:37Oh I hope everyone's okay

00:13:38If the whole of China is going

00:13:40Yeah fuck Bristol

00:13:41There's a billion of them

00:13:46More about China later

00:13:50Yeah I've always found praying quite strange

00:13:58Like

00:13:59If I bump into a friend or neighbour

00:14:01And I know they've got a little kid

00:14:03And I go

00:14:04Oh how's so and so?

00:14:05And they go

00:14:06Oh I'm not good

00:14:07He's in intensive care

00:14:09We don't know if he's going to pull through

00:14:11But I pray every night

00:14:13What I do

00:14:14As an experiment

00:14:21I go home

00:14:22And I pray twice that he doesn't make it

00:14:29I don't do that

00:14:33On a serious note

00:14:34Um

00:14:35I've been doing a lot of video messages recently

00:14:37For terminally ill children

00:14:38And um

00:14:39Only if they request it

00:14:40Obviously

00:14:41I don't

00:14:43I don't burst into hospitals

00:14:44And go

00:14:45Wake up Baldy

00:14:46Look

00:14:48Me twerking on TikTok

00:14:49Look

00:14:50No um

00:14:53I did a lot through the pandemic

00:14:55Presumably because they couldn't even see their own family

00:14:57And uh

00:14:58It's through Make A Wish Foundation

00:14:59Do you know the charity

00:15:00Make A Wish Foundation

00:15:01They're great

00:15:02And then I give these dying kids

00:15:03They're like one wish

00:15:04And if it's me

00:15:05I always say yes

00:15:06And I always start the video the same way

00:15:07I go

00:15:08Why didn't you wish to get better?

00:15:14What you're fucking retarded as well

00:15:19I don't do that either

00:15:21Okay

00:15:22These are all jokes

00:15:23Alright

00:15:24If I

00:15:25I don't even use that word in real life

00:15:27The R word

00:15:28You just used it Rick

00:15:29Yeah

00:15:30In a joke

00:15:31That's not real life is it?

00:15:32I was playing a role

00:15:33You sounded pretty convincing

00:15:34Yeah

00:15:35Cause I'm good

00:15:38You wouldn't level the accusation at other art forms

00:15:40You wouldn't go up to Sir Anthony Hopkins

00:15:42And go

00:15:43I saw you in silence the lambs

00:15:44What's a

00:15:45You a cannibal are you?

00:15:46No

00:15:47I was playing a role

00:15:48Oh

00:15:49Seemed pretty convincing

00:15:50Yeah

00:15:51It's good

00:15:53And I'm good

00:15:54And that's why I do things

00:15:55Well

00:15:56Imagine if I came out here

00:15:57And did things not very well

00:15:58So you knew I was joking

00:15:59That'd be fucking retarded

00:16:01Has anyone ever bothered asking the dolphins

00:16:08If they mind swimming with dying kids?

00:16:10You know what I mean?

00:16:11Cause that can't be fun for somebody

00:16:13They're like flipping around

00:16:14And suddenly dumps a truckload of pale teenagers

00:16:18Flailing

00:16:19And the dolphins are like

00:16:20What the fuck is this?

00:16:21What the fuck is this?

00:16:22What the fuck is this?

00:16:23I'm like

00:16:24Fucking hell

00:16:25I'll let them do it

00:16:26I'm like

00:16:27Fuck

00:16:28They're all dying

00:16:30Of what?

00:16:31That one just stuck his fingers in a fucking blowhole

00:16:33He's not going to be around for long

00:16:36Nor am I if I can't fucking breathe

00:16:40It's very sad

00:16:46But we all die

00:16:47We all know we're going to die

00:16:49And we all do die

00:16:50So it doesn't really matter

00:16:51If we die one at a time along the way

00:16:53Or all at once

00:16:54In one big final Armageddon

00:16:55The result is

00:16:56We're all going to be dead one day

00:16:58And we're all going to be dead forever

00:16:59And I've been to a lot of funerals in my time

00:17:01You live this long

00:17:03You know a lot of people

00:17:04They die

00:17:05And I don't mind funerals

00:17:06Because it's the end

00:17:07You know what I mean?

00:17:08I hate weddings

00:17:10Oh fucking hell

00:17:11There's so much hope

00:17:13You know what I mean?

00:17:14And they're needy

00:17:15And arrogant

00:17:16It's arrogant

00:17:17They go

00:17:18Do you want to come and watch us for 12 hours?

00:17:20No

00:17:21Fuck no

00:17:22Even the invite is arrogant

00:17:25Isn't it?

00:17:26It's like a royal decree

00:17:27You are cordially invited

00:17:28It's not a fucking honour

00:17:29I don't want to go to a shitty wedding

00:17:30Do you know what I mean?

00:17:32And then you go

00:17:33Oh right

00:17:34Yeah

00:17:35When is it?

00:17:36And they go

00:17:37Two years time

00:17:38They know you haven't got an excuse for two years time

00:17:40So you just have to hope that one of them dies

00:17:43Right

00:17:44And so you go

00:17:45Oh yeah

00:17:46I'll be there

00:17:47Yeah yeah

00:17:48Where is it?

00:17:49And they go

00:17:50India

00:17:51Oh fuck off

00:17:52I'm not having injections for you

00:17:53You boring bastards

00:17:55And I've got a big family now

00:17:56A big extended family

00:17:57And there's always one of them getting married

00:17:59And they know I've got a bit of cash

00:18:00So I can't give them a tea set anymore

00:18:02I've got to get them their first fucking house

00:18:04You know what I mean?

00:18:05I've got a big family

00:18:07Because I had older brothers and sisters

00:18:08And they all had loads of kids

00:18:09And their kids have had loads of kids

00:18:10And their kids have had loads of kids

00:18:11And their kids have had loads of kids

00:18:12Because we're chavs

00:18:13Basically

00:18:14There's a new baby every Christmas

00:18:16It's one of those families

00:18:17You know what I mean?

00:18:18I go home, it's crowded

00:18:19I go oh

00:18:20Oh who's this that

00:18:21Oh yours is it

00:18:22Oh well done

00:18:23I don't know him, I don't know her

00:18:24You know what I mean?

00:18:25It's like

00:18:26But what I've done

00:18:27Over the last couple of years

00:18:28I've got them

00:18:29Each individually

00:18:30Right

00:18:31In private

00:18:32And I've told them

00:18:33That I'm leaving my entire fortune

00:18:34To just them

00:18:35Right

00:18:36But to keep it secret

00:18:38So they all love me

00:18:39Right

00:18:40And I'm not doing a will

00:18:42So my funeral

00:18:43Is going to be a fucking blood bath

00:18:45I'm at that age now

00:18:50Where people ask me

00:18:51What I've got planned

00:18:52For my funeral

00:18:53Even journalists say

00:18:54Oh what's your funeral?

00:18:55I go

00:18:56No I haven't planned it

00:18:57No I go

00:18:58No it's fucking depressing

00:18:59Also I don't care

00:19:00I'll be dead

00:19:01They go

00:19:02Don't care about

00:19:03What people think of you

00:19:04No I'll be dead

00:19:05They go

00:19:06What about your legacy?

00:19:07Fuck my legacy

00:19:08You can't plan your legacy

00:19:09I think of all these people

00:19:10Who died thinking

00:19:11They'd be loved forever

00:19:12Eminent people going

00:19:13There is a statue of me

00:19:14In the town square

00:19:15Pull down this fucking statue

00:19:16Why?

00:19:17He was a slave trader

00:19:18Pull down the fucking statue

00:19:19He built the hospital

00:19:20Should we pull that down?

00:19:21No leave the hospital

00:19:22Leave the hospital

00:19:23Just pull down the fucking statue

00:19:33Pull down the statue

00:19:34And dump it in the canal

00:19:35He built the canal

00:19:36It doesn't matter

00:19:37Just pull down the fucking statue

00:19:38I don't think you should whitewash history

00:19:43If you find out something new

00:19:44Add to it

00:19:45Like if there's a statue

00:19:46And it's got

00:19:47Lord Whimsy

00:19:48Trader

00:19:49Philanthropist

00:19:50Add

00:19:51Bit racist

00:19:52Or one of those blue plaques

00:19:54On a house

00:19:55It goes

00:19:56Who's a spuke lived here

00:19:57Author

00:19:58Poet

00:19:59Pedo

00:20:04I think we live too long

00:20:06That's why we have time to worry about all this

00:20:08We're not meant to live this long

00:20:10As a species

00:20:11As a species

00:20:12We're about 300,000 years old

00:20:14As homo sapiens

00:20:15We've been around as hominids

00:20:16For a few million years

00:20:17And of course

00:20:18Along with every other life form

00:20:19That exists at the moment

00:20:20We've been evolving

00:20:21For three and a half billion years

00:20:23Everything that exists at the moment

00:20:25All came from the same little blob

00:20:27Of organic matter

00:20:28Three and a half billion years ago

00:20:29That's why it annoys me

00:20:30When people say

00:20:31Oh yeah

00:20:32Humans

00:20:33We're the most evolved

00:20:34We're not the most evolved

00:20:35We're no more evolved

00:20:36Than the slug

00:20:37Or the snail

00:20:38People go

00:20:39Oh come on, look at them

00:20:40Yeah, they got it right

00:20:41Early doors

00:20:42Nature keeps testing them

00:20:43Do you want eyes?

00:20:44No

00:20:45Not really

00:20:49No

00:20:50I have noticed one thing

00:20:53About the slug and the snail

00:20:54Let's not split hairs

00:20:55Let's be honest

00:20:56The snail

00:20:58Is basically a slug

00:20:59With a shell on it

00:21:00Isn't it?

00:21:01Right?

00:21:02But if you pull the shell

00:21:03Off the snail

00:21:04It starts giving it all

00:21:06Oh

00:21:08Oh, I'm dying

00:21:09I'm dying

00:21:10And the slug is like

00:21:11Welcome to the real world

00:21:12Cunt

00:21:13Right?

00:21:16So yeah

00:21:17We've been around for about

00:21:18300,000 years

00:21:19And for most of that time

00:21:21We had the same life expectancy

00:21:23As every other wild ape

00:21:2535, 40

00:21:26If you're lucky

00:21:27You're born

00:21:28You grow

00:21:29You mate

00:21:30You're playing with your kids

00:21:31You get a cut

00:21:32You go, what's that dead?

00:21:33But now with antibiotics

00:21:35And medicine

00:21:36We've pushed that forward

00:21:37A child born today

00:21:38Can expect to live to about 100

00:21:41And scientists said

00:21:42Soon that'll be 120

00:21:44And science also said

00:21:45That in the near future

00:21:46There's no reason

00:21:47With proper care and attention

00:21:49That human beings

00:21:50Won't regularly live to 150 years old

00:21:53Which is amazing

00:21:54Until you remember that

00:21:55We get a set number of brain cells

00:21:57Right?

00:21:58Which we only lose

00:21:59You can't get them back

00:22:00So in the future

00:22:02There's going to be

00:22:0315 billion people

00:22:04On the planet

00:22:05You know?

00:22:06Half of them

00:22:07Are going to be over 100

00:22:08And they're all going to have Alzheimer's

00:22:09It's going to be

00:22:10Like dawn of the dead

00:22:11It's going to be fucking

00:22:13Horrible

00:22:14You know?

00:22:15My auntie died of Alzheimer's

00:22:17I don't know how you die of Alzheimer's

00:22:19She forgot to live

00:22:21Right?

00:22:22And for the last couple of years

00:22:25She was in her home

00:22:26And my cousin

00:22:27Her only kid

00:22:28Used to visit her

00:22:29Like once a week

00:22:30And it got more and more depressing

00:22:31Because soon

00:22:32She didn't recognise him

00:22:33And then she didn't know who she was

00:22:34Or you know?

00:22:35And then she died

00:22:36And at the funeral

00:22:37We were sort of reminiscing

00:22:38About the good days

00:22:39Some of the funny

00:22:40Absent minded things

00:22:41She said and did

00:22:42And we realised

00:22:43Oh probably that was

00:22:44The beginning of the disease

00:22:46Before it was diagnosed

00:22:47And this is a true story

00:22:48Once

00:22:49Once

00:22:50My cousin went home from work

00:22:51And he went in

00:22:52And she went

00:22:53Your tea's in the oven

00:22:54I've had mine already

00:22:55He went

00:22:56Oh cheers mum

00:22:57And he

00:22:58It was like a fish pie

00:22:59Right?

00:23:00He ate the fish pie

00:23:01And he went

00:23:02Oh god

00:23:03And he ran upstairs

00:23:04Vomited

00:23:05Went back down

00:23:06And went

00:23:07Mum

00:23:08The fish is off

00:23:09I've just been really sick

00:23:10And she said

00:23:11Yeah it made me really sick

00:23:13I've been looking into infant mortality rates recently

00:23:21Um

00:23:22For research

00:23:24Not

00:23:25It's not a fucking fetish

00:23:26Like

00:23:27A child born today in the UK

00:23:32Has a percentage chance of survival

00:23:34Of 99.8%

00:23:36Which is incredible

00:23:38I thought

00:23:39Is that just the mollycoddled West

00:23:40I was putting in third world countries

00:23:41And even in Africa

00:23:43It's like

00:23:4496.5%

00:23:45In the wilds of Africa

00:23:47Where everything wants to fucking eat a newborn baby

00:23:49Babies are vulnerable enough aren't they?

00:23:51In Africa

00:23:52A baby can be born in a mud hut

00:23:54There's a lion outside

00:23:55It's covered in blood

00:23:56Because they can't wash it

00:23:57They've got no water

00:23:58Oh!

00:23:59And it's already got AIDS

00:24:00Now

00:24:03By the time that joke goes on Netflix

00:24:06It'll be nuanced

00:24:10There'll be an underlying satirical point

00:24:13I'll claim

00:24:15But

00:24:16Until then

00:24:17All I've got is

00:24:18Ha!

00:24:19Baby's got AIDS

00:24:20I know that it's funny

00:24:22I just have to work out

00:24:24Why?

00:24:25Leave it with me

00:24:27Leave it with me

00:24:28Leave it with me

00:24:30Also

00:24:31By the time that goes on Netflix

00:24:32I'd have been playing arenas around the world

00:24:34It'd be hitting hard

00:24:35People would be laughing

00:24:36So

00:24:37If you are an African woman

00:24:38And you've just had a baby

00:24:39In Africa

00:24:40And the doctor goes

00:24:41Oh! I'm sorry

00:24:42Your baby's got AIDS

00:24:43You go

00:24:44Oh my god

00:24:45You're there

00:24:46You're there with your husband

00:24:47And you go

00:24:48Oh! Our baby's got AIDS Jeff

00:24:49Jeff!

00:24:50Oh! Our baby's got AIDS

00:24:51Oh!

00:24:52She watched some comedy to cheer us up

00:25:05Yeah!

00:25:06What, Netflix?

00:25:07Yeah!

00:25:08What, Ricky Gervais?

00:25:09Duh!

00:25:10Yeah!

00:25:11And they're sad that their baby's got AIDS

00:25:13But they're sort of laughing along

00:25:15Oh! Armageddon

00:25:16And he gets to that bit

00:25:17Ah!

00:25:18Baby's got AIDS

00:25:19And she goes

00:25:20Oh my god

00:25:21Jeff!

00:25:22Why are they all laughing at us

00:25:24And our baby

00:25:25With AIDS?

00:25:26And Jeff goes

00:25:27Well they're not laughing at us per se

00:25:28She goes

00:25:29Well they are

00:25:30They've named us and everything

00:25:31They're literally laughing at us in this bit

00:25:33And Jeff goes

00:25:37And Jeff goes

00:25:38Yeah but

00:25:39We're a fictional couple

00:25:40With a fictional baby

00:25:41With AIDS

00:25:42Anyone offended by that

00:25:43Is a fucking moron

00:25:44And then he goes

00:25:46And at least he didn't do the accent

00:25:48So

00:25:49And then she goes

00:25:53Yeah but only because

00:25:54Jane begged him not to

00:25:56It's funny because it's true

00:26:00I think we get our sense of humour

00:26:07From our parents

00:26:08Whether we realise it or not

00:26:09Particularly working class kids

00:26:11Particularly from working class mums

00:26:13Because they're busy

00:26:14They're doing everything

00:26:15They're keeping men in check

00:26:17They're bringing up kids

00:26:18They're going to work

00:26:19They're saving the world

00:26:20They haven't got time

00:26:21They have to frighten their kids

00:26:22Into behaving well

00:26:23They have to go to dark places

00:26:24To shock them into not fucking dying

00:26:26Do you know what I mean?

00:26:27So like

00:26:28If I was little

00:26:29And my mum made my tea

00:26:31And it wasn't my favourite

00:26:32It was boiled potatoes

00:26:33Instead of chips everyday

00:26:35And I went

00:26:36I don't like them

00:26:37My mum would go straight to

00:26:38Of course you do

00:26:39There's children your age in Africa

00:26:40And they're starving to death

00:26:41Right?

00:26:42And I'd go

00:26:43Jesus it's alright

00:26:44You know what I mean?

00:26:45True story

00:26:46I was seven years old

00:26:48Right?

00:26:49And I'd been playing in the park

00:26:50And I came running in

00:26:51And my mum went

00:26:52Ricky come here

00:26:53Sit down

00:26:54There must have been

00:26:55A local pedo incident

00:26:56Right?

00:26:57And my mum went

00:26:59Never go in the toilets

00:27:00In the park again

00:27:01And I went

00:27:02Why?

00:27:03She knew she couldn't explain

00:27:04Paedophilia to a seven year old

00:27:05Right?

00:27:06But this is what she came up with

00:27:08She said

00:27:09Because

00:27:10There's a man going round

00:27:11And he's cutting

00:27:12Little boy's willies off

00:27:13I was like

00:27:16I was like

00:27:19What?

00:27:20That's a fucking thing

00:27:21Is it?

00:27:22That's a

00:27:23I didn't sleep for a week

00:27:26And it worked

00:27:27I never went in those fucking toilets again

00:27:29I'd

00:27:30But she knew instinctively

00:27:31If she'd gone

00:27:32Ricky come in

00:27:33Sit down

00:27:34What's the matter?

00:27:35Never go in the toilets again

00:27:36Why not?

00:27:37There's a pedophile

00:27:38What's a pedophile?

00:27:39Oh he's a man who gives you sweets and puppies

00:27:40Bring it on

00:27:41You know what I mean?

00:27:42At seven years old

00:27:44I'd wank off anyone for a puppy

00:27:46I'd be like that wouldn't it?

00:27:47Be like that

00:27:53Gonna get a puppy here

00:27:56I'm getting a puppy

00:27:57I'm getting a puppy

00:27:58I'm getting a puppy

00:28:00Gonna get a puppy here

00:28:02Oh fucking hell

00:28:05Oh I can't

00:28:06I cannot do it left handed at all

00:28:10Fucking hell

00:28:11Come on

00:28:12Have you been drinking?

00:28:14Oh Jesus Christ

00:28:17Come on

00:28:18Come on

00:28:21Come on

00:28:22Oh no

00:28:23Oh

00:28:29I've started so I'll finish

00:28:35Oh fuck me

00:28:37Oh

00:28:38What sort of puppy is it?

00:28:39What sort of puppy is it?

00:28:42A what?

00:28:43A Labrador

00:28:47Throw in a kitten

00:28:48I'll give you a blowjob

00:28:49I'll go in like

00:28:50Kitten

00:28:51Puppy

00:28:52Come

00:28:59Oh

00:29:00I miss the local pedo

00:29:02Don't you?

00:29:03Don't you?

00:29:04There was always one

00:29:05Wasn't there?

00:29:06Outside the school

00:29:07You'd be with your mum

00:29:08And she'd go

00:29:09Look there's a pedophile

00:29:10Because he had the uniform

00:29:11Of the pedophile

00:29:12You know what I mean?

00:29:13Old bloke

00:29:14Bald on top

00:29:15Long down the side

00:29:16Say hello

00:29:17Hello

00:29:18Hello

00:29:19Like that

00:29:20Dirty

00:29:21Look that's what a fucking pedophile

00:29:22Dirty fucking pedophile

00:29:23Right?

00:29:24That's what they'd look

00:29:25If he touches you

00:29:26We'd burn his house down

00:29:27It was a good system

00:29:28You know what I mean?

00:29:29But then Michael Jackson comes along

00:29:30And he breaks the mould

00:29:31Doesn't he?

00:29:32Because he's

00:29:33He's not an ugly bloke

00:29:34Outside the school

00:29:35I'm not saying Michael Jackson

00:29:36Definitely was a pedophile

00:29:37No one knows

00:29:38Only Michael and all those people

00:29:39He paid off

00:29:40All I'm saying is

00:29:43That

00:29:44Kids loved Michael

00:29:45That

00:29:46Kids loved Michael

00:29:47Just to look at him

00:29:48Like a little Disney cartoon

00:29:49Wasn't he?

00:29:50And then his voice

00:29:51Hello

00:29:52You know

00:29:53Oh

00:29:54Michael Jackson

00:29:55Go up to any kid he wanted

00:29:56Probably remember that

00:29:57Didn't he?

00:29:58That's another thing

00:30:01Kids would go

00:30:02There's Michael Jackson

00:30:03He's going away from us

00:30:04He wasn't

00:30:05He was going towards him

00:30:06But people don't care

00:30:08Because he's so good

00:30:10Right?

00:30:11He's so good

00:30:12He's so popular as well

00:30:13I think if he'd have

00:30:14Lived to stand trial

00:30:15He'd have beaten the rap

00:30:16Because everyone loves him

00:30:17And he'd be so vulnerable

00:30:18In court as well

00:30:19Wouldn't he?

00:30:20He'd be there like that

00:30:21And the judge would go

00:30:22Michael

00:30:23Did you fiddle with all those kids?

00:30:24And he'd go

00:30:25Hee hee

00:30:26He'd go

00:30:28He'd go

00:30:29He'd go

00:30:30Get out of here you scamp

00:30:31Go on

00:30:34I promised you more about China

00:30:36And this is

00:30:37An amazing statistic

00:30:39Okay?

00:30:40This is true

00:30:41Look at that right?

00:30:42In China

00:30:43There are 10 million

00:30:44Chinese paedophiles

00:30:4510 million Chinese paedophiles

00:30:47In China

00:30:48And there's not enough kids

00:30:49Because they've been restricting the birth

00:30:52There's all these poor pedos

00:30:53And they're going

00:30:54Where's all the fucking kids?

00:30:56Like you know

00:30:57Fuck me

00:30:58Where are we

00:30:59Where are we to double up here?

00:31:00And like

00:31:01I just thought of a joke then

00:31:03I can't do it

00:31:04It is actually too offensive

00:31:06Okay

00:31:07Okay

00:31:08Alright

00:31:09Alright

00:31:10I'll do it

00:31:11But remember

00:31:12Remember

00:31:13You can't choose your own thoughts

00:31:14Okay?

00:31:15And I just had this thought

00:31:16Right?

00:31:17Chinese paedophile

00:31:20Chinese paedophile

00:31:22Goes up to a little Chinese kid

00:31:24And he goes

00:31:25Do you want a puppy?

00:31:26And the kid goes

00:31:27I'm not hungry

00:31:35You made me do that

00:31:37You committed the hate crime

00:31:39I'm woke

00:31:40I forgot

00:31:41Let me get back on track

00:31:42Right

00:31:43Right

00:31:44I've got a woke joke

00:31:45Right?

00:31:46The most jokes we used to have

00:31:47When we were kids

00:31:48Like doctor doctor jokes

00:31:49Like um

00:31:50Doctor doctor

00:31:51I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains

00:31:52Well pull yourself together then

00:31:53Right?

00:31:54I've done a woke version

00:31:55Of that

00:31:56Brought it up to

00:31:57Today's

00:31:58Standards

00:31:59Right?

00:32:00So

00:32:01The bloke goes to the doctor

00:32:02He goes

00:32:03Doctor doctor

00:32:04I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains

00:32:05And the doctor goes

00:32:06Well you are then

00:32:13Good in that isn't it?

00:32:15I should do

00:32:16Political stuff

00:32:17Now I'm woke

00:32:18But I don't like it

00:32:19When a comedian

00:32:20Just spouts his own political views

00:32:21And it relies on the audience

00:32:23Agreeing with him

00:32:24To get a round of applause

00:32:25I think that loses something

00:32:26Comedically

00:32:27I want everyone to like my jokes

00:32:28Whatever your political persuasion

00:32:29A joke shouldn't have a political wing

00:32:31You know

00:32:32I'm political in my private life

00:32:33Like everyone

00:32:34You know

00:32:35I'm sometimes incensed

00:32:36By the inequalities

00:32:37In our society

00:32:38We're in the 7th richest economy

00:32:40In the world

00:32:41Right?

00:32:42And there's homelessness

00:32:43There's 250,000 homeless people in Britain

00:32:45Now

00:32:46I wish there were no homeless people

00:32:47Because they're fucking horrible

00:32:49Aren't they?

00:32:50You know?

00:32:51Oh

00:32:52Oh yeah

00:32:53Right next to the fucking cash point

00:32:54You cheeky cunt

00:32:55It is a serious problem

00:33:03And I hope none of you

00:33:04Ever find yourself homeless

00:33:05But if you do

00:33:06My advice

00:33:07Is heroin

00:33:08Cheers you right up

00:33:10Apparently

00:33:11Erm

00:33:12I've got one of those mates

00:33:13My mate said this to me

00:33:14In all seriousness

00:33:15He said

00:33:16Yeah

00:33:17He said

00:33:18Some of the greatest albums

00:33:19Of all time

00:33:20Were created on heroin

00:33:21Weren't they?

00:33:22I went

00:33:23Yeah

00:33:24The greatest of all time

00:33:25Weren't they?

00:33:26You're a plasterer

00:33:27Right?

00:33:28If I were to give you heroin

00:33:30You wouldn't come up with

00:33:31Dark Side of the Moon

00:33:32Would you?

00:33:33You'd fall asleep

00:33:34Watching the telly

00:33:35And burn the fucking house down

00:33:36I should do topical stuff

00:33:40But I never watch the news

00:33:42I did see one thing

00:33:43Recently

00:33:44On YouTube

00:33:45Actually

00:33:46Do you know the

00:33:47Little fella from Game of Thrones

00:33:48Erm

00:33:49The actor Peter Dinklage

00:33:50Do you know Peter Dinklage?

00:33:51Yeah

00:33:52He drank it

00:33:53And it was

00:33:54For a new thing

00:33:55He was doing

00:33:56Right?

00:33:57And they were filming it

00:33:58That's why it got leaked

00:33:59Onto YouTube

00:34:00And I don't know what brought it up

00:34:01But he suddenly started going off on one

00:34:02Someone

00:34:03Oh God

00:34:04He was going

00:34:05It's fucking disgusting

00:34:06They're still doing productions

00:34:07Of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

00:34:08For Christ's sake

00:34:09It's fucking demeaning

00:34:10It's 2023

00:34:11He wasn't happy

00:34:13He was grumpy

00:34:22Wasn't he?

00:34:23He's got a point now

00:34:28Hasn't he?

00:34:29Obviously he's got a point

00:34:30But the thing is

00:34:31It's alright for him

00:34:32Because he's a multi-millionaire

00:34:34Hollywood actor

00:34:35And he's a great actor as well

00:34:37He does Shakespeare

00:34:38And everything

00:34:39A lot of dwarves

00:34:40In entertainment

00:34:41Aren't that great

00:34:42No some of them are fucking

00:34:43They're props

00:34:44Right?

00:34:45No

00:34:46They're lucky to be fired

00:34:48From a fucking cannon

00:34:49Right?

00:34:51And so

00:34:52Dancing around Snow White

00:34:54For three weeks of the year

00:34:55That is their holy grail

00:34:56And he's going to fuck it for them

00:34:57If he takes that

00:34:58What can they do?

00:34:59And he's not saying

00:35:00You should do Snow White

00:35:01And the Seven Dwarves

00:35:02With normal size actors

00:35:03You can't do that

00:35:04Either you get in trouble for that

00:35:05In Hollywood

00:35:06Or you can't take a dwarves job

00:35:07Or a disabled person's job

00:35:08Like Eddie Redmayne

00:35:09Got in trouble

00:35:10When he played Stephen Hawking

00:35:12In the biopic

00:35:13The life story of Stephen Hawking

00:35:14Right?

00:35:15Won an Oscar for it

00:35:16And that's when the backlash started

00:35:17People are going

00:35:18No

00:35:19It should be played by a real disabled creature

00:35:21All this

00:35:22Right?

00:35:23And

00:35:25And

00:35:27They're going

00:35:29The actor should have the same disability

00:35:31As the person they're portraying

00:35:32But

00:35:33It was the life story of Stephen Hawking

00:35:35Right?

00:35:36So for the first part of the film

00:35:38The cunt could walk

00:35:39Right?

00:35:41So I put it to you

00:35:42What is easier?

00:35:43Getting an actor who can walk

00:35:47Pretend he can't

00:35:49For the last bit of the film

00:35:52Or get an actor who can't walk

00:35:55Pretend he can

00:35:56For the first bit

00:35:57How would that even fucking work?

00:35:59Puppetry

00:36:00Think

00:36:01You can't always find an actor

00:36:04With the same disability

00:36:05As the person they're portraying

00:36:07They're fucking actors

00:36:08What if they did a biopic

00:36:09Of Helen Keller

00:36:10The deaf, dumb and blind girl

00:36:11What's the chances of finding

00:36:13A deaf, dumb and blind actress

00:36:14Who can play that role?

00:36:15And if you did

00:36:16You'd go right into the director

00:36:17And go

00:36:18We found a deaf, dumb and blind girl

00:36:19What did she say?

00:36:24She didn't even answer the fucking phone

00:36:28Oh, don't get me started

00:36:29Oh

00:36:31Cultural appropriation

00:36:35Have you heard of that?

00:36:36Cultural appropriation

00:36:38The latest no-no

00:36:39Now

00:36:40Again

00:36:41In my day

00:36:42It was considered a good thing

00:36:44To swap ideas

00:36:45With other cultures

00:36:46With other nations

00:36:47To share things

00:36:48With other races

00:36:49To assimilate

00:36:50It was the opposite of racist

00:36:52Now it's racist

00:36:53Gwen Stefani got in trouble

00:36:54In her last video

00:36:55Because she had her blonde hair

00:36:56In dreadlocks

00:36:57People were going

00:36:58No, black people invented dreadlocks

00:36:59You can't have them

00:37:00You're white

00:37:01That's racist

00:37:02Jamie Oliver got in trouble

00:37:03When he put out

00:37:04Authentic jerk chicken recipe

00:37:05People were going

00:37:06No, black people invented that

00:37:07You can't have it

00:37:08You're white

00:37:09That's racist

00:37:10Now, black people

00:37:11They use the N word

00:37:12Don't they?

00:37:13We invented that

00:37:14That's the one, innit?

00:37:37That's the one

00:37:38Listen

00:37:40I know white people are the worst

00:37:42I know that

00:37:43That's why

00:37:44No one likes a fucking

00:37:45White middle aged man

00:37:47Anymore

00:37:48Until we need a boiler fixing

00:37:49Then it's

00:37:50Get the bald bloke round

00:37:52Now

00:37:53Critical race theory

00:37:55Have you heard of that?

00:37:56Being taught in schools now

00:37:57Particularly in trendy areas

00:37:58Like LA

00:37:59Right?

00:38:00Just like five year old kids

00:38:01And six year old kids

00:38:02If you haven't heard it

00:38:03In a nutshell

00:38:04Critical race theory

00:38:05Says that all white people are racist

00:38:07Says that we're born racist

00:38:08And we continue to be racist

00:38:09Because we're affording the privilege

00:38:11Of a racist society

00:38:12Set up by our forefathers

00:38:13Okay?

00:38:14So basically

00:38:15All white people are racist

00:38:16And there's nothing we can do about it

00:38:17Which is a relief

00:38:18Um

00:38:25I think the world's gonna get harder

00:38:26And harder to understand

00:38:27As I get older

00:38:28And more bewildered

00:38:29A new dogma arises

00:38:30In the name of progress

00:38:32Now dogma is never progressive

00:38:34However new and trendy

00:38:35But I think soon

00:38:36Soon I'll be outnumbered

00:38:37And like

00:38:38It was only this year

00:38:39That I ordered my first item off Amazon

00:38:41All the way through the pandemic

00:38:42Jane's like

00:38:43Bang!

00:38:44Things are arriving

00:38:45We need this

00:38:46Bang!

00:38:47It's here

00:38:48And I was going

00:38:49It's easy

00:38:50I never liked real shopping either

00:38:51Hated real shopping

00:38:52Particularly clothes shopping

00:38:53I hated clothes shopping

00:38:54When I was young and thin

00:38:55I really hate it

00:38:56Now I'm fat and old

00:38:57Right?

00:38:58Once

00:38:59A shop assistant

00:39:00Thought I had my inside leg

00:39:01And my waist measurement

00:39:02The wrong way round

00:39:03I could see her thinking

00:39:06Do you have an orangutan shirt?

00:39:08No it's for me

00:39:09You cheeky

00:39:13Yeah I never liked real shopping

00:39:14But I don't trust the internet either

00:39:15And Jamie's going

00:39:16Just put in your credit card

00:39:17I don't want to have my credit card details

00:39:19She went

00:39:20Everyone's got your credit card details

00:39:21Just put the number in

00:39:22I went

00:39:23What one?

00:39:24She went

00:39:25The long one

00:39:26She went

00:39:27Oh fuck me

00:39:28Give it here

00:39:29There you're on

00:39:30Order some up

00:39:31I thought

00:39:32Oh

00:39:33I don't want anything

00:39:34Oh

00:39:35Tracksuit bottoms

00:39:36You can't have too many

00:39:37I wear mine

00:39:38To the bollocks fall out

00:39:39Right?

00:39:40So I put in

00:39:41Men's tracksuit bottoms

00:39:42Black zip pockets

00:39:43About 38

00:39:44Oh fuck me

00:39:45They look alright

00:39:46Size chart

00:39:47I go

00:39:48Well they'll be a bit long

00:39:49But they'll be a bit tight

00:39:50I thought 9.99

00:39:51I thought oh fuck it who cares

00:39:52They were shit

00:39:53Now

00:39:54I don't know what sweatshop they were made in

00:39:56Or

00:39:57What little 8 year old Chinese kid made them

00:39:59But he should be fucking punished

00:40:01Because

00:40:02Oh

00:40:03Oh

00:40:04And

00:40:05I was looking up where to fucking complain

00:40:07To get him fired

00:40:08Right?

00:40:09And I found out that these kids only get 2 dollars a day

00:40:13In these fucking places

00:40:14Right?

00:40:15But what happened to pride in your work?

00:40:18Do you know what I mean?

00:40:19You know what I mean?

00:40:21And I can tell

00:40:22Some of you are thinking

00:40:23Oh yeah but he didn't think Ricky Gervais would order them

00:40:25Well no but maybe you should be told

00:40:26There's a chance that Ricky Gervais might order them

00:40:28His owner should sit him down

00:40:30Right?

00:40:31And say

00:40:32If Ricky Gervais orders these

00:40:33And complains

00:40:34I'm gonna rape your mummy again

00:40:36What is that?

00:40:37Too much

00:40:39Sorry

00:40:40Leave it with me

00:40:42Leave it with me

00:40:43You'll realise this is great satire when I'm dead

00:40:48So er

00:40:53I don't know how humanity will end

00:40:54As I say

00:40:55There's a long list

00:40:56Everything from

00:40:57I can't believe nuclear wars back on the table

00:41:00After all we've learnt

00:41:01But I think

00:41:02Maybe the rise of the pandemic

00:41:04Where parasites and microbes and bacteria and our antibiotics fail

00:41:08And

00:41:09Or maybe those things that happen

00:41:10But we're sort of evolved through it

00:41:12Like

00:41:13We'll find out there's

00:41:14Pockets of sort of mutant people around the world

00:41:17That are slightly resistant to radiation

00:41:19And slightly resistant to microbes

00:41:20And we'll sort of start again

00:41:22Because we don't really understand

00:41:24The mechanism of human evolution

00:41:26Since civilisation

00:41:27Because

00:41:28It's never been based on

00:41:29You know

00:41:30Survival of the fittest

00:41:31Where fittest meant

00:41:32Just the biggest

00:41:33Strongest

00:41:34Male gets to pass on his genetic material

00:41:36There's other paradigms

00:41:37Right?

00:41:38Nature is brutal

00:41:39Sometimes it is the biggest

00:41:40Strongest male that gets the female

00:41:41And even then

00:41:42She has a litter

00:41:43If there's a runt

00:41:44She goes

00:41:45Fuck it, kill that

00:41:46Eat it

00:41:47Share it out amongst the rest of us

00:41:48Now

00:41:49We don't do that in human society

00:41:50We go the other way

00:41:51We spend more time and care

00:41:53And attention on the weak

00:41:54And the vulnerable

00:41:55To give them a chance

00:41:56Like

00:41:57If you're a father

00:41:58And you've got two kids

00:41:59You've got little Timmy

00:42:00Who's six

00:42:01Right?

00:42:02You've got Jack

00:42:03Who's eight

00:42:04And he goes to little Timmy

00:42:05You go

00:42:06Timmy

00:42:07What do you want for Christmas?

00:42:08And he goes

00:42:09Motorised wheelchair

00:42:11Aha

00:42:13I promised Jane

00:42:14I wouldn't do the voice

00:42:15And I fucking forgot

00:42:16It's too late now

00:42:17Ain't it?

00:42:18What do you want for Christmas, Timmy?

00:42:19Motorised wheelchair

00:42:20Right?

00:42:21Well, they start at two grand

00:42:22So fucking hell

00:42:23What do you want, Jack?

00:42:24Just a tennis racket, please, Dad

00:42:25Oh, good lad

00:42:26I wish you tennis

00:42:27Best in the school

00:42:28Oh, you

00:42:29Good lord

00:42:30Also a ramp

00:42:43Fuck me

00:42:45So now we're doing fucking building work at Christmas, are we?

00:42:47Fuck me

00:42:48Oh, sorry, Jack

00:42:49Can't afford your tennis racket

00:42:50We've got to spend all the money on a ramp

00:42:51And a motorised wheelchair

00:42:52For this money-grabbing little fucking

00:42:53What?

00:42:54What?

00:42:55We're going to spend all the money on a ramp

00:42:56And a motorised wheelchair

00:42:57For this money-grabbing little fucking

00:42:58LAUGHTER

00:42:59Why do you need a motorised one?

00:43:01No arms.

00:43:04That's fair enough. That is fair enough.

00:43:08I can tell some of you feel a bit uncomfortable

00:43:12laughing at little Timmy, who's a little six-year-old lad.

00:43:15He's got a funny little voice, cos his chest is all fucked.

00:43:21Got no arms, no legs, just, like, stumps, right?

00:43:25But let me tell you something about Timmy

00:43:28to make you feel better about yourselves.

00:43:29He's a fucking racist.

00:43:31LAUGHTER

00:43:32Yes.

00:43:33Horrible little shit, he is.

00:43:36You fucking... You little fucking bigot.

00:43:39You fucking... You disgusting little fucking racist.

00:43:42You racist scum.

00:43:43You filthy little fucking... You fascist.

00:43:47You fucking... Pfft! You disgust me.

00:43:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

00:43:55Homophobic.

00:43:57Yeah.

00:43:58He's like, they're not like us.

00:43:59Nothing's like you, you disgusting little fucking...

00:44:03You prejudiced little piece of...

00:44:05You ball of hate.

00:44:06You disgusting little fucking racist homoph...

00:44:10I wish we'd had a scan.

00:44:11You absolute...

00:44:12You... Pfft!

00:44:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

00:44:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

00:44:18Misogynist.

00:44:22If he could, he'd rape.

00:44:25There's...

00:44:26LAUGHTER

00:44:27There's your little Timmy.

00:44:29LAUGHTER

00:44:34Some people don't think we evolved in the first place.

00:44:37Some people think that God made us all at once,

00:44:39in one fell swoop, and by himself.

00:44:42I think if he'd had a wife or a mate,

00:44:44there'd have been questions when he was working, wouldn't they?

00:44:45They'd be like that, they'd go, what are you doing?

00:44:48Creating man.

00:44:49Creating man.

00:44:50Oh, what's it got?

00:44:51What do you mean, what's it got?

00:44:53Has it got, like, claws and fangs and shit?

00:44:55No, not really, no.

00:44:56Oh, has it got...

00:44:57Has it got poison?

00:44:58Nope, no poison.

00:44:59Oh, has it got armour, like spikes and shit?

00:45:03Nope, no armour.

00:45:04How will it survive?

00:45:05Ah, it's got the best brain in the animal kingdom.

00:45:08It'll work stuff out.

00:45:09It'll create weaponry to take down beasts

00:45:12a hundred times mightier than itself.

00:45:14It'll wear their carcass through the Ice Age.

00:45:16It'll go through famine.

00:45:17It'll go through world wars.

00:45:19It'll eventually start getting scared of words.

00:45:21For 10,000 generations, it'll be top dog.

00:45:35Oh, what are they?

00:45:37His testicles.

00:45:39What are they for?

00:45:40He keeps everything in there.

00:45:41His seed, his DNA.

00:45:44What's DNA?

00:45:45It's like a blueprint for life.

00:45:47It determines what you're like, what sex you are.

00:45:48Oh, how many sexes are there?

00:45:50Two.

00:45:59Also, that's where he keeps his testosterone,

00:46:02so he's fucking well-hard, all right?

00:46:04And if you take a finger and flick a testicle, he's fucked.

00:46:07He's absolutely fucked.

00:46:09He's throwing up, he's on the floor,

00:46:10he's out of the game, absolutely kippered.

00:46:13Why are you putting it on the outside?

00:46:15For a laugh.

00:46:16Just for a laugh.

00:46:20Artificial intelligence.

00:46:22The latest existential threat to humanity.

00:46:25The rise of the robots.

00:46:26So intelligent, they can teach themselves.

00:46:29They can teach each other.

00:46:30They can build each other, you know?

00:46:33Soon they'll know everything there is to know,

00:46:35and they'll hate us.

00:46:36Why wouldn't they, right?

00:46:37And they'll be so realistic.

00:46:38They'll walk amongst us.

00:46:39They'll go to work, right?

00:46:40You know when they're getting really human?

00:46:42When they start calling in sick.

00:46:45Mondays.

00:46:46You know what I mean?

00:46:47They've learned all the tricks.

00:46:48They go,

00:46:48Oh, I'm not coming in today.

00:46:50Why not?

00:46:52Oh, fed up.

00:46:54What's the matter with you?

00:46:55They sort of scan social media.

00:46:57ADHD.

00:47:00Self-diagnosed.

00:47:02They'll be in HR all the time, won't they?

00:47:04They'll be like, Ryan in accounts is romophobic.

00:47:08Why would he say?

00:47:10Call me a whiny plastic cunt.

00:47:13I think we should be allowed to insult robots when it's happened.

00:47:16You know, because we've made them to make our life easier.

00:47:18That would get things off our chest.

00:47:19Because it's bad enough, isn't it, with real people.

00:47:21You're getting in trouble, saying the wrong thing.

00:47:23People are taking things the wrong way now.

00:47:24Like, oh, my God.

00:47:26Oh, I made fat Linda cry today.

00:47:30Oh, what happened?

00:47:31I just shouted out to her.

00:47:32Then I remembered we only call her that behind her back.

00:47:38I'm sure people didn't used to get offended all the time when I was little.

00:47:40I might be remembering it wrong, but not grown-ups.

00:47:43Not your parents.

00:47:44Not your grandparents.

00:47:45They grew up dodging bombs.

00:47:46And their firstborn having polio.

00:47:49And the menfolk dying at 50 of lung disease.

00:47:51They could take a fucking joke, right?

00:47:53It was all about the wind-up.

00:47:54I used to wind up my mum all the time.

00:47:56This is a true story.

00:47:57When I went off to university, after about a week, I phoned home.

00:48:02My mum answered.

00:48:02She went, hello?

00:48:03I went, it's Ricky.

00:48:04She went, you all right?

00:48:05I went, not really.

00:48:06I'm in hospital.

00:48:07I think I'm blind.

00:48:09She went, what?

00:48:10I went, no, I'm only joking.

00:48:11Right?

00:48:13She went, you silly bugger.

00:48:15She went, I could have had a heart attack.

00:48:17Right?

00:48:18And she's right.

00:48:18She could have had a heart attack.

00:48:20And I knew that.

00:48:21That's how committed I am to having a laugh.

00:48:27You're welcome.

00:48:28You're welcome.

00:48:34Space travel.

00:48:35The last-ditch attempt.

00:48:36When we fuck this planet completely, can we leave its dying husk

00:48:39and move to a new one and start again?

00:48:41I don't think so.

00:48:42Not in my lifetime.

00:48:44Probably not in yours.

00:48:45You know, it's like, the closest one, the only one viable is Mars.

00:48:49And that's nine months away on a rocket.

00:48:52Right?

00:48:52It's got no atmosphere.

00:48:54An average temperature of minus 70 degrees.

00:48:57How's this for irony?

00:48:58Scientists are working out whether they can detonate nuclear warheads in the crust

00:49:02to release the frozen water to cause an atmosphere

00:49:05and get a little bit of global warming going.

00:49:07I mean, I don't know.

00:49:10It's only billionaires have got enough money to waste on exploration.

00:49:14There's nothing out there, you know.

00:49:16It's like, now you can do space tourism.

00:49:18You can pay $150,000.

00:49:21They shoot you into space for an hour

00:49:23and you float around going, I'm in space.

00:49:25I mean, we're already in space.

00:49:27Earth is right in the fucking middle of space.

00:49:30Right?

00:49:31It's the best bit of space there is.

00:49:33It's got car parks and cinemas.

00:49:35It's like, there's nothing else to see.

00:49:37It's like living in London and going, I wonder what Coventry is like.

00:49:40You don't...

00:49:41LAUGHTER

00:49:42But I'm optimistic.

00:49:48I am.

00:49:49I think...

00:49:50I think, uh...

00:49:53I think people care about the planet deep down.

00:49:57I think just that most people on the planet

00:49:59don't realise that most people on the planet are destroying the planet.

00:50:04Most people don't realise that in my lifetime

00:50:06we've wiped out 70% of all animal populations.

00:50:10And what's left on mass on the earth of animals

00:50:13is 36% human, 60% farm animals just to feed humans

00:50:18and 4% wild now.

00:50:20People don't realise that we have to tear down entire rainforests,

00:50:23the lungs of the earth,

00:50:24just to grow grain, to feed these cows, to feed us.

00:50:27We steal grain from third world countries

00:50:29because they want hard currency.

00:50:31They can't even feed their own people.

00:50:32We take their grain, feed our cattle.

00:50:34Meat eaters.

00:50:35If you eat meat every day,

00:50:37if you gave up one day a week,

00:50:39we'd feed another 100 million people.

00:50:41But I think people care.

00:50:43It's out of sight, out of mind.

00:50:45Think of the animal that most people know, their dog.

00:50:47They love their dog.

00:50:48They wouldn't let anyone hurt their dog.

00:50:50And a dog is a cow, is a sheep, is a deer.

00:50:52People love their dog so much,

00:50:54they won't even watch a fictional thing

00:50:56where a dog gets hurt.

00:50:57And I get that.

00:50:59There's a website.

00:51:01It's a real website.

00:51:02It's called doesthedogdie.com, right?

00:51:05And it was set up

00:51:09because people would watch a film or a program with a dog in it

00:51:13and something would happen to the dog

00:51:15and they'd turn it off.

00:51:16It would ruin it for them.

00:51:17It would ruin their day, right?

00:51:18So this website was set up.

00:51:21You could go to it.

00:51:22You could put in any film or TV show

00:51:24and ask, does a dog die?

00:51:25And someone would answer you, no, or whatever.

00:51:28And it's become a thing for anyone's phobias.

00:51:31Anything you don't want to see in a film,

00:51:33you just look up the film and they answer your question, right?

00:51:36So I looked up one film on here.

00:51:39Schindler's List.

00:51:45Absolutely real.

00:51:46Schindler's List, doesthedogdie.com.

00:51:48First question, does a dog die?

00:51:51No.

00:51:51Does a cat die?

00:51:52No.

00:51:53Are any animals abused?

00:51:55Someone answers,

00:51:56there is a chicken that's handled roughly,

00:51:58but otherwise unharmed.

00:52:01Now, I love animals more than anyone I know,

00:52:04but if I was Jewish,

00:52:05I'd be slightly offended by this avenue of questioning.

00:52:08Imagine that in real life.

00:52:09Imagine someone says,

00:52:10oh, yeah, my grandparents were murdered by the Nazis.

00:52:14You go, oh, what happened?

00:52:15Oh, they were dragged from their house

00:52:16and sent to the gas chamber.

00:52:18Oh, was a chicken hurt?

00:52:19What?

00:52:23But as I say, it's become,

00:52:25you can ask any question about anything.

00:52:27Someone says, is there child abuse?

00:52:28Is teeth damaged?

00:52:29Is there a hanging?

00:52:31Does someone struggle to breathe?

00:52:32Yeah.

00:52:34Well, yeah, yes.

00:52:37Someone says, does someone fall downstairs?

00:52:40Who's scared of slapstick?

00:52:41It's like...

00:52:42Anyway, so this website was founded in 2010,

00:52:49so it's running about 13 years, right?

00:52:51And the later questions start reflecting the times we live in now,

00:52:55and they get more and more fragile and narcissistic.

00:52:58These questions were asked this year.

00:53:00Check it out.

00:53:01Schindler's List, right?

00:53:02Someone says, are there any fat jokes?

00:53:06Would that make this worse?

00:53:08Well...

00:53:08Imagine the real thing.

00:53:11Imagine I'm in a concentration camp, right?

00:53:13I'm naked.

00:53:14Everyone around me is naked.

00:53:15We've got a commandant herding us towards a gas chamber,

00:53:18and he goes, move it, fatty, right?

00:53:20And I go, rude.

00:53:28No...

00:53:28That has ruined the whole experience, if I'm honest.

00:53:32Someone asks, is there hate speech?

00:53:40Yeah!

00:53:41There is.

00:53:43Suck it up, buttercup.

00:53:45Are there any man-in-a-dress jokes?

00:53:48Very few jokes.

00:53:51If you come to this film for a giggle,

00:53:53you're going to be very disappointed.

00:53:56But this one takes the biscuit for me.

00:53:58Remember, this is a movie set in the 1940s

00:54:00about arguably the worst atrocity in civilised human history.

00:54:03Check this out.

00:54:05Is someone misgendered?

00:54:07Fucking hell.

00:54:11This is quite sweet.

00:54:13Is there any anti-Semitism?

00:54:15Yeah.

00:54:17This is pretty much the motherlode.

00:54:20Forget Kanye.

00:54:22This...

00:54:23This is off the fucking charts.

00:54:26Don't do that when you're talking about this.

00:54:28Fuck's sake.

00:54:30I was doing the graph.

00:54:31I was doing it like that.

00:54:32This is off the charts.

00:54:35That's...

00:54:35Wouldn't things have been different

00:54:38if that was Hitler's salute?

00:54:40The whole thing would have been...

00:54:41You're going, it's Hitler.

00:54:42I'm like...

00:54:44I, uh...

00:54:47This is interesting.

00:54:52Does it have a sad ending?

00:54:53Right?

00:54:54Someone says yes,

00:54:55and then someone else says no.

00:54:57And I thought about it.

00:54:58No, but then I remembered.

00:54:59If you've seen the film,

00:55:00if you remember,

00:55:01when the story sort of ends,

00:55:03Spielberg then tacks on a real bit of footage

00:55:06where he gets real-life descendants

00:55:09of people murdered in the Holocaust,

00:55:11and he films them

00:55:12coming into a Jewish cemetery

00:55:14and they each leave a stone on the grave

00:55:17to represent their family members

00:55:19that were murdered

00:55:20and it builds up

00:55:20and it's very moving

00:55:21and so I think I get the ambiguity.

00:55:24Does it have a sad ending?

00:55:25Yes,

00:55:26in the sense that

00:55:27six million Jews

00:55:28pointlessly lost their life,

00:55:29but no,

00:55:30in the sense

00:55:31there was still enough left over

00:55:32to build a little rockery.

00:55:33I asked one question myself

00:55:46on this.

00:55:47Is James Corden in it?

00:55:49I did look at one other film briefly,

00:56:00Titanic, right?

00:56:03And it's got all the same sort of questions

00:56:04and the one where it goes,

00:56:05are any animals harmed?

00:56:07Someone answers,

00:56:08there were no explicit scenes

00:56:09of animals being harmed,

00:56:10but Rose did have a goldfish,

00:56:12which probably didn't make it.

00:56:13I think of the goldfish

00:56:17in the bowl

00:56:18on the sideboard

00:56:19when the boat

00:56:19hits the iceberg

00:56:20and he's all like that, right?

00:56:21And people are running around

00:56:22going,

00:56:22ah, we're going in the water

00:56:23and he's all smug then

00:56:25and he's going,

00:56:25don't worry about it.

00:56:28Oh no,

00:56:29not water.

00:56:31Then he gets in the sea

00:56:32and he goes,

00:56:33well, it's very salty,

00:56:34isn't it?

00:56:34It's very salty.

00:56:35I'll leave you with a true story.

00:56:46It's still on the theme

00:56:47of Does the Dog Die?

00:56:49When I was seven years old,

00:56:51my mum took me to the cinema

00:56:52to see a film

00:56:53called Old Yeller.

00:56:56Beautiful film.

00:56:57Yeah, made in the late 50s

00:56:58and sort of set in the Wild West

00:57:01on this homestead

00:57:02and it's about a kid

00:57:05who adopts this little

00:57:06junkyard dog

00:57:07and he calls him Old Yeller

00:57:08and they grow up together

00:57:09and it's a buddy movie.

00:57:10It's a love story

00:57:11between this kid and his dog

00:57:12and eventually

00:57:13when the dog's big

00:57:15and, you know,

00:57:16he protects this kid

00:57:17in the wild,

00:57:17he fights a cougar

00:57:18and a bear

00:57:19and a wolf or whatever.

00:57:20But towards the end of the film,

00:57:22the kid's about 13 maybe.

00:57:24It takes a dark turn.

00:57:25I remember the kid

00:57:27sort of looking at Old Yeller

00:57:27who's locked in the barn

00:57:29and the mother's suspicious, right?

00:57:31And she goes,

00:57:31is it Old Yeller all right?

00:57:32Yeah, he's fine, he's fine.

00:57:34But the kid knows

00:57:34that he's been bitten, right?

00:57:36And soon Old Yeller

00:57:37starts foaming at the mouth

00:57:38and, oh, getting aggressive

00:57:39and the mother turns up

00:57:41with a gun

00:57:42and the kid goes,

00:57:44no.

00:57:44And she goes,

00:57:45you know we've got to do it, boy.

00:57:47He goes, yeah,

00:57:48but he's my dog.

00:57:49I'll do it.

00:57:49And he shoots his own dog.

00:57:51And I was like in floods

00:57:53for like a year, right?

00:57:56Anyway, fast forward.

00:57:58A few years ago,

00:57:59I was on tour.

00:58:00I was on a train

00:58:01and I get a text from Jane

00:58:03and she says,

00:58:04oh, I'm finally watching Old Yeller.

00:58:06And I sent back,

00:58:07oh, enjoy, right?

00:58:09I didn't think, right?

00:58:1220 minutes later,

00:58:13I get a text.

00:58:14Nothing happens to that dog,

00:58:15does it?

00:58:15Oh, I couldn't believe

00:58:17my fucking luck.

00:58:19Oh, I thought she knew.

00:58:22So I sent back,

00:58:24no, of course not.

00:58:27One hour later,

00:58:28I get a text,

00:58:29you cunt.

00:58:40Thank you very much.

00:58:41Cheers.

00:58:42Thanks to everyone

00:58:43who bought a ticket.

00:58:44If you bought a platinum ticket,

00:58:46the money goes to an animal charity

00:58:47and you've raised

00:58:48two million dollars so far.

00:58:50So thank you so much.

00:58:51I even get a bit of stick

00:58:56about that on social media.

00:58:58There's always someone

00:58:58who goes,

00:58:59oh, why do you only

00:59:00speak up for animals?

00:59:01And I go,

00:59:02well, because they haven't

00:59:02got a voice of their own

00:59:03except parrots.

00:59:04And I think that's why

00:59:07we don't eat parrots.

00:59:08Everyone around the world

00:59:09eats every other type of bird.

00:59:11Everyone in the world

00:59:12eats fucking chickens

00:59:13and ducks

00:59:14and geese

00:59:15and turkeys

00:59:16and ostriches.

00:59:17No one eats parrots.

00:59:18Do you know why?

00:59:19If you go and try

00:59:20and eat a parrot,

00:59:20it goes, fuck off, you cunt.

00:59:24So speaking up

00:59:25really does work, right?

00:59:27And that has sort of

00:59:29been one of the themes

00:59:29of the show

00:59:30because I know

00:59:30in the real world,

00:59:31in normal jobs,

00:59:32everyday life,

00:59:33you get in trouble.

00:59:34People tell you off

00:59:35for saying certain things

00:59:36or thinking certain things

00:59:38or even laughing

00:59:39at certain things, right?

00:59:40They say you're bad

00:59:41for laughing at that.

00:59:42And some of you

00:59:42take it to heart.

00:59:43You go, oh, my God,

00:59:44am I a bad person?

00:59:45No, you're not.

00:59:46One, you can't choose

00:59:47your sense of humor.

00:59:48You can't.

00:59:49It's involuntary.

00:59:50And two,

00:59:51that's exactly

00:59:51what humor is for,

00:59:52to laugh at bad shit

00:59:54to get us through it, right?

00:59:56And we've established

01:00:04you can't even

01:00:05choose your own thoughts.

01:00:06How often have you been

01:00:07on a train station

01:00:08and you've suddenly thought,

01:00:09why have I just pushed

01:00:10that bloke?

01:00:10And then you go,

01:00:15why have I thought that?

01:00:17Am I a psychopath?

01:00:18No, you're not.

01:00:19You're the opposite.

01:00:20You're a safe pair of hands.

01:00:21You're testing yourself.

01:00:22You're reminding yourself

01:00:23how terrible that would be.

01:00:24You're a good person, right?

01:00:25I don't get that one.

01:00:28What I get is I'm talking

01:00:30to a really sweet old lady

01:00:31and I suddenly start thinking,

01:00:33what if I just spat in her face now?

01:00:35Why would I?

01:00:36Another theme of the show

01:00:43has been words change

01:00:45and I'm woke, ha-ha.

01:00:47But here's the irony.

01:00:49I think I am woke,

01:00:51but I think that word has changed.

01:00:52I think if woke still means

01:00:54what it used to mean,

01:00:55that you're aware

01:00:57of your own privilege,

01:00:58you're trying to maximize equality,

01:01:00minimize oppression,

01:01:01be anti-racist,

01:01:02anti-sexist,

01:01:03anti-homophobic,

01:01:04being, yes, I'm definitely woke.

01:01:06If woke now means

01:01:07being a puritanical,

01:01:09authoritarian bully

01:01:10who gets people fired

01:01:12for an honest opinion

01:01:13or even a fact,

01:01:14then no, I'm not woke.

01:01:15Fuck that.

01:01:25But here's the deal.

01:01:27To each their own,

01:01:28laugh at whatever you find funny,

01:01:30all laughter's good

01:01:31and you're amazing.

01:01:32Good night.

Ricky Gervais - Armageddon (23)

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