- 5/10/2025
As his birthday nears, a comedian shares hilarious life advice, misadventures involving diarrhea, helicopters, law encounters, cherished moments with friends, and his iconic "Terry" role in Reno 911.
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#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
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00:00Ladies and gentlemen, you know him from such cinematic, epic, Reno 911, Bucky Larson, the Benchwarmers, and Grandma's Boy, one of the greatest actors of our generation, Nick Swartzen.
00:30So, this is a great weekend, because it's a special taping.
00:51It's also my birthday.
00:54Yeah.
00:56My birthday.
00:57Yeah, I'm turning 47.
01:01Yep, still dressed like this.
01:05Don't care.
01:06I look like a roadie from Limp Bizkit.
01:11Yeah, I don't care.
01:14Yeah, your 40s are weird.
01:17A lot of people are like, dude, you're 40?
01:20How do you deal with that?
01:22And I'm like, here's what you do.
01:25You hang out with the elderly.
01:29My entourage?
01:31My grandma and her friends?
01:34Yeah, they're in their 90s, dude.
01:36You don't feel old around them.
01:39Like, when I turned 40, I had a panic attack.
01:41I was like, oh, my God, I can't believe it.
01:44I'm 40.
01:45Around them, they're like, what?
01:50What?
01:52You're just a child.
01:56You're still a child.
01:58And I'm like, yeah, I'm still a child.
02:00But I feel bad for them because they don't have that in their life.
02:06Like, when they turn 90, they don't have anybody making them feel better.
02:11Like, they don't have a friend that's like 150 to tell them that, you know what I mean?
02:18When they're like, I can't believe it.
02:21I am 90.
02:22They don't have a 150-year-old friend like, me!
02:36You're just a child!
02:38That's a hard joke to open with because it's wicked painful physically on every level.
02:52But you guys are awesome.
02:56So you get older, you try to maintain, try to work out.
03:00Try.
03:02So I go, I'm like, what's a good workout?
03:04I'm like, swimming.
03:05So I go to the pool at my gym.
03:07There's a sign by the pool.
03:09And this is a real sign.
03:12And it said, if you've had active diarrhea in the last 14 days, don't get in the pool.
03:22And I'm like, okay.
03:24I guess I can never go swimming again.
03:2914 days without diarrhea.
03:3014?
03:31I have diarrhea every other day for sure.
03:35Not even a question.
03:37To the point where I'm worried if I don't.
03:41Like if a solid turd leaves my body, I'm like, what the fuck is that?
03:46Why is my asshole not spraying out hot chocolate like an angry dragon?
03:52That's what I'm used to.
03:55That's what I'm used to.
03:58Yeah, active diarrhea?
04:00Why do they have to say that?
04:02Whose diarrhea is lazy?
04:04Not this guy.
04:05Yeah.
04:08Yeah.
04:08Other comedians have talked about that sign, but mine's the best one.
04:14Yeah, no.
04:15Because I'm the Tom Brady of diarrhea.
04:18Yeah.
04:19You can't top my diarrhea joke.
04:21So walk away.
04:23Walk away.
04:24So speaking of diarrhea, I hope everybody had a good Christmas.
04:32I know it's not close to Christmas, but this happened during Christmas.
04:37So let's just pretend that it just happened.
04:40So anyway, long story short, Merry Christmas.
04:47So this Christmas, I decided this.
04:51I'm like, I'm not going to get gifts for my friends and family.
04:53So what I did was I joined an organization where you could adopt a family that was on hard times
04:59and pay for their family to have a nice Christmas.
05:03And that's what I did.
05:05Yeah.
05:05That's my time.
05:06No, I'm kidding.
05:10So I adopted this family, and it was awesome.
05:13And the kids would make lists of things they really wanted.
05:18And I'll never forget this kid was 12 years old.
05:23His high-priority gift, his high-priority gift that he wanted for Christmas was a gift card to Taco Bell.
05:35Yep.
05:36Yep.
05:39And I thought that was adorable that he's that young and smokes that much weed.
05:46Yeah.
05:47But he didn't say how much he wanted the gift card for.
05:50So I was like, what if I got this kid a gift card at Taco Bell for $10,000?
05:58Yeah.
05:59That kid's never going swimming again.
06:01So my friends try to eat healthy.
06:07They eat the Impossible Burger.
06:09Do we know that one?
06:10Yeah.
06:12Have you had that cat food on a bun?
06:14Yeah.
06:15It's cat food.
06:15Yeah.
06:16It's not real.
06:16And they swear by it, my friends.
06:22They're like, do you understand?
06:23It looks just like a burger.
06:27And it tastes just like a burger.
06:30But it's not.
06:31I'm like, okay, I want to use that theory.
06:34I want to go up to some people to party with a handful of white powder.
06:41And I want to be like, hey, you want to do some cocaine?
06:45And they're like, no, I don't do cocaine.
06:47I'm like, it's not cocaine.
06:50It looks just like it, doesn't it?
06:52It's not.
06:53It's impossible cocaine.
06:58And they're like, all right, I'll try it.
07:02Fuck!
07:04I'm really high!
07:06Yeah, I know.
07:07It's crystal hell.
07:10Yeah.
07:11You're going to be high for like a week.
07:15Have fun.
07:17Ride that out.
07:22See, again, I try to work out.
07:25Can't go swimming.
07:28I talked to my friend John the other day.
07:30I go, hey, what are you up to?
07:32And he goes, nothing.
07:34Just got back from the gym.
07:35I go, oh, how was that?
07:37And he goes, weird!
07:40Which is a weird response, right?
07:43And I go, why was it weird?
07:44And he goes, I'm in the locker room.
07:46There's this elderly man walking around naked.
07:50He has balls around, super low.
07:52Just walking around naked.
07:55Just super old man balls.
07:58And I go, okay.
08:00And he goes, well, that's weird.
08:02And I'm like, no, it'd be weird if he was in like a Walgreens or something.
08:05He's in a locker room at the gym.
08:10You know what's weird?
08:11You're telling me about this.
08:13Let the old man shower.
08:16He's just walking around.
08:18My friend John's like, no!
08:20No!
08:21No balls!
08:24Not here!
08:25Not now!
08:28What the hell?
08:31Yeah, his balls are low.
08:32You want to know why?
08:33Because he's wise.
08:35Yeah.
08:37The lower a man's balls are, the wiser he is.
08:41It's like rings on a tree.
08:46Why do you think wizards wear robes?
08:51Their balls trail behind them, gathering treasure from around the shire.
08:57Casting genital spells.
09:02Show some respect.
09:04If that happens to me, and I'm an elderly man, and I'm naked in the locker room, and someone's
09:12disrespecting my jennies, I'm going to take my balls, and I'm going to attack.
09:24Just...
09:25And then that motherfucker's got to go into work on Monday.
09:32They're like, Rick, how'd you get a black eye?
09:37He's like, it's not.
09:39It's a sack eye.
09:43I disrespected the elderly.
09:48Yeah.
09:49God bless the elderly.
09:51Yeah.
09:52We have it so much easier.
09:54They didn't have sexting growing up.
09:57Yeah, we have sexting.
09:59Throughout history, they didn't have that.
10:00Yeah, right now, you're horny.
10:03You're fucking hit up an X.
10:04Here's my fucking dick.
10:10Yeah.
10:11How's your afternoon?
10:12I don't know.
10:13Jannies!
10:17Yeah, imagine being horny in medieval times.
10:21Let me take you back as one of the number one razzied actors ever.
10:29Razzies are the anti-Oscar.
10:31I've been nominated nine times.
10:35Yeah.
10:38And I'll keep going.
10:39So anyway, imagine being in medieval times, and you're a horny guy on your castle, and
10:48you're like, I'm so horny right now.
10:53I wonder what Guinevere's up to.
10:56She's so beautiful.
10:58And they would have to take a note, and be like, my dearest Guinevere, you are a vision
11:07of a sunrise.
11:09Draw a picture of your tits.
11:12And they had to tie it to a raven.
11:19Hurry, raven!
11:21Find her castle!
11:24Make sure the picture's good!
11:26For the love of God!
11:30Then weeks go by, his dick's ripped off.
11:33Yeah, we've got it easy.
11:36Jannies!
11:37So here's some life advice.
11:41I've got so many of it.
11:44But this is serious.
11:46Stay immature, stay silly.
11:47This world's too serious, and it's super annoying.
11:50So make sure we all agree.
11:52We all agree.
11:54Stay immature.
11:56So here's an immature example.
11:58Number one, I went home for the holidays.
12:02Man, it's no or not.
12:03And I was like, you know what?
12:05I'm going to call my friend Chuck, that I grew up with.
12:08I haven't talked to him in forever.
12:10So I remembered his number from growing up.
12:13That's a key detail.
12:15So I call the number.
12:17Phone rings.
12:18Man answers.
12:19He goes, hello?
12:21And I'm like, aw.
12:24What's up, pussy lips?
12:25And the man just goes, hello, Nick.
12:36Yeah, it was Chuck's dad.
12:39Because it was a number from growing up.
12:43And I was like, I immediately turned back into a child.
12:46I was like, oh, hey, Mr. Klein.
12:50Is Chuck there?
12:55No, Nick.
12:56Chuck hasn't lived here for 30 years.
12:59He has a wife and a family.
13:02I'm like, right, right, right.
13:05Yeah, that makes total sense.
13:08So he gives me Chuck's new number.
13:09I call Chuck.
13:10Tell him that I called his dad pussy lips.
13:14So just visualize somebody doing that to your dad out of nowhere.
13:18Being like, what?
13:20And my favorite is that he still knew it was me.
13:23After all these years, it was just like, hello, Nick.
13:28You're the only person on this earth that would call me pussy lips.
13:35So I got obsessed with saying it.
13:37Like a Tourette syndrome.
13:38I just started saying it to anybody.
13:40I don't care.
13:42I'd be like, what's up, pussy lips?
13:44What's up, pussy lips?
13:45What is up, pussy lips?
13:48So then cut to a hotel in Georgia.
13:52And I'm coming home late at night.
13:54And I'm all alone in the hallway.
13:56Or so I thought.
13:59So I was like, I'm going to drop a hard pussy lips.
14:03So here's the mistake I made, everybody.
14:06I did it as I turned a corner.
14:08So I go, what's up, pussy lips?
14:11And I walk right into a sweet old elderly couple.
14:15And I was like, oh, my God.
14:24I'm so sorry.
14:26Have a great night.
14:28So many blessings.
14:32So many.
14:34And I just walked back to my room.
14:36And I laughed.
14:37And then I got sad because I was like, they're never going to forget that for as long as they live, which is not much longer.
14:48So I just pictured this couple in a hospital room, the husband on the bed, his wife standing over him.
14:58He's looking up at her like, Gloria, I love you so much.
15:05What a beautiful journey we've been on.
15:08So many memories.
15:12Do you remember that time in Georgia when we went for a late night stroll and that man ran into us and he goes, what's up, pussy lips?
15:24Why did he say that?
15:27Who was he talking to?
15:30You or me?
15:32Which one of us is pussy lips?
15:35Oh, he died.
15:43He died in that joke.
15:45So common question being a comedian for this long.
15:48People are like, were you a weird child?
15:51Were you like a funny, weird child?
15:53I'm like, yeah.
15:57No, when I was eight, I was a divorce attorney.
16:00Super weird.
16:01I was very serious.
16:04No.
16:05So here's a true story again of little Nick Swartzen, 11 years old.
16:1311.
16:14So my older sister, Rachel, she was 16 at the time and she had a sweet 16 party.
16:22Oh my God.
16:24Ladies, right, 16, you're like, what?
16:28Here's what I figured out, side story.
16:31The loudest sound in the world is when a drunk chick is at a bar.
16:35And runs into her friend that she didn't plan on seeing that night.
16:41Ladies, you know what I'm talking about.
16:43It is jarring.
16:45You'll be hammered at the bar like, yeah, I know.
16:50It's like, I don't want to go to work on Monday.
16:53It's like, my fucking job sucks.
16:55It's like, so stupid.
16:56Oh my God.
17:03Is that Stacey?
17:04I think that's Stacey.
17:10Stacey.
17:11Stacey.
17:12Stacey!
17:13everyone's like oh my god are we in jurassic world you just saw her a week ago
17:25so anyway back to my stupid sister she has her sweet 16 party so again i'm 11 years old i'm like
17:36what do i do in this scenario there's going to be a bunch of drunk teenagers in my home
17:41here was my game plan took my squirt gun pissed in it
17:47ah were you a weird child yeah
17:52so i went around and sprayed it drunk people in the face
18:00yep and they had no idea they thought it was water they were like nicholas
18:06so here's the mistake i made everything was going great and i made the mistake of telling
18:17somebody what i had done my sister's friend kristen she goes oh my god nicholas that's so funny
18:23you're spraying people with water and i was so cocky i'm like it's not water
18:29she goes what is it and i go it's p
18:36right at that moment greg the quarterback from the football team rolls up i'm like john wick at
18:43this point i'm just like both eyes nose mouth mouth mouth mouth ears ears ears ears nose
18:51just annihilated him and he goes nicholas and kristen goes oh my god greg that's not water that's piss you have piss all over your face
19:04i was like
19:08again i'm 11 years old he tackles me pins me down unloads all the piss gun in my mouth
19:19my own piss in my mouth yeah it was horrible
19:23but it's funny how you remember stuff from your childhood and it makes sense as you get older
19:30like i remember that and i was like
19:33that's why that's the only way i can orgasm now
19:39first part of that story is true second part is not
19:49so i'm sure you guys are like swords and
19:55that had to be the last time you had your own piss in your face
19:58nope
20:02here comes story number two again a true story and this is one of my favorites
20:08because it involves one of my best friends
20:10one of my favorite people david spade
20:13we know who david is right
20:16sweet david
20:18so he calls me up one time
20:22and he goes hey buddy what are you doing
20:24i go nothing what are you doing
20:27and he goes nothing i'm going to a concert tonight
20:30you want to go
20:31i'm like yeah who is it
20:34he goes def leppard
20:35and brian adams
20:38i'm like that's the most david spade concert i've ever heard of in my life
20:43but i go yeah how are we getting there
20:46and he goes i rented a helicopter to beat traffic
20:49i'm like okay that's weird
20:51so we go to the airport it's me and david and david's date
20:55beautiful supermodel beautiful
20:57very tall for david
21:00no it was awkward she was like four or three
21:03he's gonna hate me for saying that
21:10so we get in the helicopter we're ten minutes into the flight
21:15and i have to urinate really bad
21:17i'm like and david goes what's your problem
21:22and i go i gotta pee
21:24and he goes why don't you pee at the airport
21:26and i'm like this is how dumb i am
21:29this is real
21:30i go i thought there'd be a bathroom on the helicopter
21:34and i think i said it exactly like napoleon dynamite
21:40i thought there'd be a bathroom on the helicopter
21:43so he goes there are no bathrooms on helicopters
21:50i'm like i don't know i'm not part of a channel 5 fucking news team
21:54doing traffic every day
21:56i've never been on a helicopter
21:57sorry magnum pi
22:01so he goes
22:04well i don't know what to tell you
22:06piss out the window
22:08so he was not serious
22:12this guy
22:16i don't know
22:18thought he was serious
22:19there was like a sliding window to get air
22:21i fucking saddle up
22:24and i go tt
22:27here's how dumb i am
22:29again
22:30and i'm not lying to you
22:33i thought
22:34i thought pee would just go like that
22:37like a drinking fountain stream
22:41it would just go pee
22:43uh travel tip everybody
22:46it doesn't do that
22:47yeah here's what it did
22:50all over my face and mouth
23:02all over david
23:04and david's date
23:05and david goes
23:12what the fuck
23:13and i go
23:15you said piss out the window
23:19he's like i was joking
23:20you can't piss out of a helicopter
23:22i'm like well you wanted to see
23:26def leper joe dirt
23:27and that's the only way david can orgasm now
23:34silly just silliness
23:40but yeah i hate flying
23:43i have to fly a lot
23:44i hate flying
23:46my friend the other day is like
23:48hey have you ever been to bali
23:49i'm like no
23:51he goes you should go
23:53it's beautiful
23:54i'm like okay what's that flight
23:56he's like it's like 21 hours
23:58no the answer will always be no
24:02if i've ever been to bali
24:0521 hours on a fucking plane
24:09if i go to bali
24:11then i'm moving to bali
24:12not getting back on another flight
24:17there's not enough alcohol on that flight
24:20to get through that nonsense
24:22so whenever you fly
24:26you know this right
24:27you want to fly direct
24:28like get me there for the love of fucking god
24:30i love when these online places have other options
24:36where i'm like oh seattle to denver
24:39and that's easy
24:39and the website's like
24:41okay
24:43you want to save 50 bucks
24:48yeah maybe one stop
24:52no i just i want to get there
24:54okay okay i see what you're saying
24:56just saying a couple more bucks
25:00two stops
25:02i'm like no
25:04and then there was one site
25:07where i was like no direct
25:08and they were like
25:09okay
25:09but what if
25:12three stops
25:15three stops was an option
25:18i'm like who is that for
25:19who's in no hurry to get anywhere at all
25:22it's like a simple flight
25:25and they're like seattle to denver
25:26okay
25:27what about seattle to boston
25:28miami to bali
25:30then denver
25:31the flight takes three weeks
25:34you grow a beard
25:35now
25:38stupid
25:40and here's a travel tip
25:44and this is serious
25:45i have so much life advice
25:48don't fart on an airplane
25:50don't do it
25:52just don't do it
25:54unless it's spirit airlines
25:56then shit your pants
25:57if you cares
25:57they're a fucking nightmare
25:59there's no spirit on that flight
26:01it's just dead souls
26:03miserable
26:05so if you have to fart on a flight
26:10okay i've solved it
26:11here's what you do
26:13you let it build
26:16you know when you feel it
26:18you're like oh
26:19let it build
26:21clench
26:21and push it forward
26:24yeah clench
26:25push it forward
26:27until you're with child
26:29yeah you have a beautiful fart baby
26:35ready for the world
26:37you feel a kick
26:39you're like oh
26:40it's a boy
26:43then you go into the bathroom
26:46take your pants down
26:47sit on the toilet
26:47press flush
26:48you know how violent
26:49those airplane
26:50toilet suctions are
26:52so violent
26:53you just sit there
26:55and flush
26:55it's like
26:56it sucks every fart
27:06out of your asshole
27:06yeah
27:09for the next five years
27:10you have to fart
27:13for five years
27:13that's how powerful
27:15that suction is
27:16yeah
27:17and then you come
27:19yeah
27:21and then you come
27:23so i thought those flights were stupid
27:31then there's a flight to mars
27:34i don't know if you've heard about this
27:35it's a real flight to mars
27:37the planet
27:38mars
27:40they want to get over and colonize mars
27:43because they found water
27:44that's frozen
27:45okay yeah
27:47we better get over there
27:48and figure skate
27:49i don't know what the fuck's going on there
27:51they found frozen water
27:54they didn't find like a buffalo wild wings
27:56or something
27:57where i'd be like
27:58i might do that
27:59yeah the game's on
28:01the flight to mars
28:05takes four months
28:07four months
28:08i'm pretty sure it's one way
28:10by the way
28:10that's dicey right there
28:14you're done figure skating
28:17you're like
28:18okay
28:18i want to go home
28:21nope
28:23if i had to do a flight to mars for four months
28:26i would need a bar of xanax
28:28the size of a canoe
28:30there'd be the whole seat next to me
28:33would be a bar of xanax
28:36and here's what i'm doing
28:37i'd open the window
28:47piss out of it
28:48everyone's fucking dead
28:49you know what i mean
28:49yeah
28:52no thank you
28:53mars
28:54if anybody here is listening from mars
28:57nope
28:58not happening
29:01cut to my next special
29:03live from mars
29:04and i'm just figure skating
29:07see i hate flying
29:11you know what else i hate
29:13spiders
29:14yeah
29:16we can all get behind that right
29:18yeah
29:20are there any fucking spiders here
29:22yeah
29:24oh
29:25yeah before covid
29:29remember that
29:30i got bit by a spider
29:33yeah i went to bed
29:35i was in dreamland
29:37very happy
29:39and i woke up
29:40and i had this red knot on my calf
29:42and i was like
29:44oh shit
29:45i better
29:47go to the bar
29:48not stupid
29:52so here's some more life advice
29:56don't get medically diagnosed
29:58by your friends at a bar
30:00because it turns out
30:02because it turns out they have no idea what they're talking about
30:04so i show up at the bar
30:06and i go
30:08hey
30:08i just woke up
30:10is that bad
30:11and my friend rob goes
30:13no
30:15that's a zit
30:17i think it's a calf
30:20sit on your calf
30:21and i'm like okay
30:23so i listen to him
30:24two days go by
30:27it's inflamed
30:28and now insanely painful
30:30so i have to go to the er
30:31because i have a fever of like 105
30:33swear to god
30:35so i go to the er
30:36the er doctor goes
30:39oh my god
30:41when did that happen
30:44and i was like
30:46a couple days ago
30:48she goes why don't you come in right away
30:51and i was like
30:52uh that's bar
30:54my friend rob said it's a
30:56a calf zit
30:57she goes a calf zit
31:01i don't even know what that is
31:02she's like no that's a spider bite
31:05it's one of the worst you can get
31:06it's from a brown recluse
31:08do you know what that is
31:10it's the
31:11don't google it
31:12because it's horrific
31:14so i was like
31:16are you sure
31:17it's not a calf zit
31:19she goes
31:21do you want to listen to your friend rob
31:23or an er doctor
31:24and i was like
31:26you don't even know rob
31:28why are you talking shit about rob bro
31:32you don't even know him
31:34so they clean it up
31:39and uh the next
31:41the la
31:41next time i went drinking with rob
31:43i dumped a box of spiders on his face
31:46and i go
31:48dude you have acne
31:49yeah and he fucking died
31:53ha ha ha ha
31:55yeah rob idiot
31:57no i'm kidding
32:04i didn't gather spiders
32:06and dump them on his face
32:08but i've told that story
32:09and people are like
32:10whoa man
32:11like i really gathered spiders
32:14and just hope they all bit him
32:15on his face
32:16and then he died
32:18i wish
32:20damn it
32:22but fuck spiders
32:23people are like
32:24no they're cool
32:25oh really
32:27are you hanging out with them
32:28hey what's up spider
32:30yeah
32:33no they're just stoners
32:34they're lazy
32:35they're lazy stoner things
32:38yeah what do they do
32:40what do the spiders do
32:41they go and they weave a web
32:43hey man
32:45and weave this web
32:47and i'm just gonna sit there
32:49and i'm like a lazy fuck
32:53and just wait for other bugs to walk in
32:57and then
32:57you kill them
33:00no it's lazy
33:01that'd be me going like
33:03i'm a deadly assassin
33:04oh really nick
33:06how do you kill people
33:06well i get high and build a hammock
33:08somebody walks in
33:12ah you're fucking dead
33:14no it's stupid
33:16so you guys are reno 9-1-1 fans
33:21sweet terry
33:26sweet terry
33:30yeah
33:32so one of my favorite things that happened
33:36again true story
33:38so this is uh pre-covid
33:40i'm at my local sports bar
33:42day drinking
33:43and watching sports
33:44which is what i love
33:46watching all my teams lose
33:49so i'm sitting there day drinking
33:53and it was to the point where
33:55and you know what i'm talking about
33:56day drinking or night drinking
33:57when you're at the bar
33:58and you have that inner monologue
34:00where you're like
34:01oh i should not be in public
34:04it's that horrible feeling
34:08where it's like
34:08okay gotta go home
34:10so i live two blocks from this bar
34:13key detail
34:14so i'm like i'm gonna walk home
34:16when i say walk
34:17that's a very loose term
34:19i call it
34:23newborn baby drunk walking
34:25you know what i'm talking about
34:27if you've seen a newborn baby
34:28take their first steps
34:29and they're so happy
34:31they're not falling down
34:32it's a look of pure joy
34:34and that's what i looked like
34:36and i'll show you
34:38here's me walking home from the bar
34:41fucking shit-faced
34:43here i go
34:44so i made it a block
34:57and then wipe out
34:58yeah so i fall down onto a lawn
35:01and i was like
35:02oh shit
35:04i better take a nap
35:06yeah it's nap time
35:09i'm not stupid
35:10so hours go by
35:13i get woke up
35:14woken up by police
35:15flashlights on my face
35:17and they're like
35:18hey
35:19hey what are you doing
35:21i was like
35:23i'll go to sleep
35:26and they're like
35:29yeah you can't do that
35:29that's not your lawn
35:30that's not your house
35:31and i was like
35:33uh
35:34i'm really drunk
35:37and they were like
35:39yeah we weren't even gonna ask that
35:41we didn't think you were camping alone
35:44with no equipment
35:45so panic attack
35:50because i'm drunk in public
35:52so i pull my license out
35:54and i go
35:55hey
35:56that's me
35:58i gotta live right there
36:02i live right there
36:03i was trying to
36:04walk home
36:05i was at the bar
36:06watching my teams lose
36:08i got sad
36:09so i didn't run shots
36:12so
36:14yeah
36:15and the cop's like
36:17okay
36:18are you okay to walk now
36:20i'm like
36:21no
36:23so he's like
36:26oh my god
36:27so him and the other cop
36:28helped me up
36:29and they walked me to my home
36:31they walked me into my home
36:34and they put me into my bed
36:36yeah
36:37it's a true story
36:38and i was sitting there
36:40and i was like
36:41what
36:42the fuck
36:43is going on
36:44so they're walking out of my bedroom
36:49i didn't know what to do
36:50so i go
36:50thank you officer
36:52and the cop turns to me
36:55and just goes
36:55sweet dreams terry
36:58terry from arena 911
37:04america's sweetheart
37:06on roller skates
37:08but it made me laugh
37:15visualizing them
37:16rolling up on that scene
37:17being like
37:19yep
37:19found the guy
37:20he's right here
37:21yeah he's passed out
37:22yeah he's gone
37:24yeah
37:25it's fucking terry
37:33marino 911
37:36no hand jobs
37:38or roller skates
37:39he's just
37:39in the spirit world
37:41let's get him home
37:44and they did
37:46so you guys like grandma's boy
37:50sweet grandma's boy
37:56the best fans on the planet
37:58the best
38:05so one of my favorite things
38:11people always go
38:12hey i love grandma's boy
38:13why wasn't it in
38:15the movie theaters
38:16and i'm like
38:18it was
38:21for like a half hour
38:24and then theaters were like
38:26nope
38:26but it was in the theaters
38:29long enough
38:30for this to happen
38:31my mother calls me up
38:34she goes
38:35Nicholas
38:36we have a situation
38:38and i go
38:40what are we
38:41out of mayonnaise
38:41she goes
38:44no that would be
38:45an emergency
38:45she goes
38:48no grandma
38:49went to go see
38:51grandma's boy
38:52in the theater
38:54and i was like
38:56who told her to do that
38:59and she goes
39:01nobody
39:02grandma was having breakfast
39:03reading the paper
39:04and there was a big ad
39:06for a movie called
39:07grandma's boy
39:08co-starring
39:10nick swartzen
39:11co-written
39:12by nick swartzen
39:13sit on my face
39:20adios turd nuggets
39:24let's fucking rage
39:30so
39:35love you
39:36so i go
39:38okay
39:39um
39:39what happened
39:40she goes
39:41well her nurse
39:42brought her to the theater
39:43in her wheelchair
39:44and i was like
39:48then what happened
39:50she goes
39:52then grandma
39:53walked out of the movie
39:54yeah
39:58so i cured her
39:59yeah
40:00you're welcome grandma
40:01so my grandma's horrified
40:05obviously
40:06so i didn't want to call her
40:08and upset her
40:08so i called her nurse
40:09and she answers the phone
40:12she's like
40:12hello
40:12i'm like
40:13what's up pussy lips
40:14no i'm kidding
40:17i didn't say that
40:18i go
40:20hey what's up
40:21it's nick
40:22and she just goes
40:23ugh
40:24and i go
40:26i heard what happened
40:27at what point
40:30did my grandma realize
40:31this movie was not
40:31her life story
40:32like what was the
40:33breaking point
40:34do you remember
40:35and she goes
40:35uh yeah
40:37when the guy started
40:38jerking off to the doll
40:40and he goes
40:41i can't stop coming
40:42it feels so good
40:43and then you said
40:45i can't believe
40:46you came on my mom
40:47my grandma was like
40:49nope
40:50that is not my life
40:54that's not my life
40:57yes
41:00but such is life
41:04so bad
41:09so um
41:13one of my other
41:13favorite movies
41:14that i was a writer on
41:15was a movie called
41:16malibu's most wanted
41:18malibu
41:22malibu
41:24if you don't know it
41:26it's about a white rapper
41:27named b-rap
41:28starring jamie kennedy
41:30one of my best friends
41:31great actor
41:33comedian
41:33if you don't know
41:34who jamie is
41:35he was in all the
41:36original scream movies
41:38so i used to live
41:41with jamie
41:42i moved in with him
41:43we wrote the script
41:43together
41:44we made the movie
41:45and i moved out
41:46so one of my favorite
41:49things i like to do
41:50going back to my
41:50immaturity
41:51is i love scaring people
41:53i love scaring the shit
41:55out of my friends
41:55you know when you get
41:56a good scare out of
41:57somebody and you're like
41:58how can yes
41:59so i'm having dinner
42:02with jamie
42:02way long after malibu
42:04and in my head
42:06i'm having dinner
42:07with jamie
42:07and i go
42:07you know what
42:08jamie was in the
42:09scream movies
42:10maybe he wants
42:12to live them
42:12so i leave the dinner
42:17double back to his
42:18home that i used to
42:19live in again
42:19park in the alley
42:21i go through my car
42:22somebody would give
42:23me a gag gift
42:23it was a baseball hat
42:25with a long-haired wig
42:26sewn into it
42:27and i'm like that's
42:28gonna come in handy
42:29so i take my shirt
42:31off so he doesn't
42:32recognize it
42:32put on the hat
42:33with the wig
42:33hop the fence
42:35break into his home
42:36go into his kitchen
42:38and i get the biggest
42:39knife that i can find
42:40and i go into his
42:42living room
42:43and i just stand
42:44in the dark
42:45right in the corner
42:47of his living room
42:48and in my head
42:49i'm like
42:50this might be too far
42:52but he walks in the
42:56front door
42:56i'm like
42:57nope
42:57game on
42:58here we go
42:58so i don't move
43:01i just stand there
43:02just stand there
43:02and he walks in
43:04like any of us would
43:05tired from the day
43:06throws his keys down
43:08turns on the light
43:09sees me
43:10it's the most scared
43:12i've ever seen a human
43:13in my life
43:15he made a sound
43:17from the depths
43:18of mordor
43:19he sees me
43:22and just
43:23does this
43:24no
43:26no
43:28oh
43:30oh
43:32now i'm scared
43:34i drop the knife
43:37and take my hat off
43:38i'm like
43:38it's me
43:41nick
43:42and he goes
43:45what is wrong with you
43:48how did you do that
43:49i'm like
43:51did i scare you
43:53yeah
43:58it was terrible
44:00and that's the only way
44:02jamie can orgasm now
44:04yep
44:06i'll leave you with that
44:06san jose
44:07i love you
44:07i love you so much
44:09i love you
44:10i love you
44:10i love you
44:11i can't love you enough
44:12i'll be back
44:14god bless you
44:15i love you
44:19i love you
44:19i love you
44:20i love you
44:20i love you
44:21i love you
44:21i love you
44:22i love you
44:22i love you
44:23i love you
44:23i love you
44:24i love you
44:24i love you
44:25i love you
44:25i love you
44:25i love you
44:26i love you
44:26i love you
44:27i love you
44:27i love you
44:28i love you
44:28i love you
44:29i love you
44:29i love you
44:29i love you
44:30i love you
44:31i love you
44:32i love you
44:32i love you
44:33i love you
44:33i love you
44:34i love you
44:34i love you
44:35i love you
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