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  • 6/22/2025
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Transcript
00:00:01Previously on Desperate Housewives
00:00:03Can we start over?
00:00:04It was a surprising day for the women of Wisteria Lane.
00:00:08Well, I was wondering if you might want to have dinner with me.
00:00:11Okay.
00:00:13He's giving her orgasms?
00:00:14Yeah, not deliberately.
00:00:15I can see you're going to be great friends.
00:00:18You are a vibrant, attractive woman.
00:00:20You haven't had sex in two years.
00:00:22That spells grandma to me.
00:00:24Let me come stay with you when I get out of here.
00:00:26This guy thinks I'm out of commission and I want to keep it that way.
00:00:29What's wrong with you? You've been antsy all night.
00:00:31I think I left the freezer door at Scavo's open.
00:00:33But it was an even more surprising night.
00:00:35Crap! It's my dad!
00:00:37For the Scavo's.
00:00:38Where is she?
00:00:39Don't. She isn't wearing anything, alright?
00:00:41Who is she?
00:00:42Just a girl from English class.
00:00:43I'm going to go in the bathroom. You've got 60 seconds to get her out of here.
00:00:59There was a slight misunderstanding in the Scavo house that night.
00:01:06You see, someone in the family was having an affair with a married woman.
00:01:12And Lynette Scavo suspected her husband.
00:01:15Hey.
00:01:16False alarm. The freezer was shut tight.
00:01:21Unfortunately for Lynette, she was wrong.
00:01:24Liar.
00:01:25What?
00:01:26I always knew things could change between us, Tom.
00:01:29But no matter what, the one thing I always thought I'd get is your respect.
00:01:32Lynette? What's going on?
00:01:34I followed you to the warehouse. I know everything.
00:01:38Oh, boy.
00:01:43Yeah, at this point, I think I'm going to need a little bit more than that.
00:01:46You're right. I shouldn't have kept this from you.
00:01:49And, you know, for what it's worth, I wanted to bring you in on it.
00:01:53Huh?
00:01:54But I was afraid you'd overreact.
00:02:00That's what you were afraid of?
00:02:03Hey, I'm upset, too, but let's face it.
00:02:05Boys will be boys.
00:02:07I think I have to sit down now.
00:02:10Lynette, are you really surprised?
00:02:14It's not the first time this has happened.
00:02:16And it definitely won't be the last.
00:02:18You know what? I have to kill you now.
00:02:21Well, he's your son, too.
00:02:23Who?
00:02:24Porter!
00:02:25What are you talking about?
00:02:26I found out Porter's been hooking up with some girl at our warehouse.
00:02:28What are you talking about?
00:02:29And just like that, the slight misunderstanding in the Scavo house had ended.
00:02:40Hey, what's up?
00:02:43You're having sex with your best friend's mother?
00:02:46And a huge family crisis had begun.
00:02:59Desire.
00:03:00It's an emotion designed to lead us astray.
00:03:06Causing us to buy things we can't afford.
00:03:12Encouraging us to sample desserts we don't need.
00:03:18And pushing us into love affairs we're clearly not ready for.
00:03:25I want you to call that woman and tell her you are never seeing her again.
00:03:29Her name is Anne.
00:03:31Her name is Mrs. Schilling.
00:03:33She was your t-ball coach when you were six.
00:03:35By the way, does your best friend know you're sleeping with his mother?
00:03:39We're keeping our relationship from Kirby for now.
00:03:41This isn't our relationship. You're being used by this woman.
00:03:45No, I'm not. I love her.
00:03:47Oh, okay. That's it. I'm calling her.
00:03:49No!
00:03:50Hey!
00:03:51What if her husband answers?
00:03:52Gee, Porter, that's just one of the pitfalls of dating a married woman.
00:03:56Listen to me.
00:03:58Mr. Schilling can't find out. He's totally violent. He would kill her.
00:04:02Well, then you have put her in a very dangerous position, haven't you?
00:04:08Okay, I'll call her. I'll tell her it's over.
00:04:10I'm not going to say that you know. That'll just freak her out.
00:04:14But you have to promise me that you won't say anything to her psycho husband.
00:04:17I am not promising anything.
00:04:18So help me. If I find out that you do something and she gets hurt,
00:04:21I will leave this house and I will never come back.
00:04:23Oh, please. You would never do that.
00:04:25Yeah?
00:04:27Well, I've done a lot of things you never thought I would do.
00:04:32Wait.
00:04:38We won't say anything.
00:04:43But if you don't end this, you won't have to leave.
00:04:46We will throw you out.
00:04:53So you wanted to see me?
00:04:55Sit.
00:04:57Tell us, Charlie.
00:04:59Have you enjoyed working here at Mrs. Vandercamp's?
00:05:02Yeah. It's great.
00:05:03You don't feel you've been underpaid?
00:05:05No.
00:05:06Well, then perhaps you can explain why you stole $200 from the petty cash box yesterday.
00:05:10What?
00:05:12I didn't steal anything.
00:05:13Charlie, we wouldn't accuse you unless we had concrete evidence.
00:05:15And thanks to my diligent partner here, we do.
00:05:19So am I, like, fired?
00:05:20You're more than like fired.
00:05:21You're fired.
00:05:22And of course we want our money back.
00:05:23I don't have it.
00:05:24I spent it.
00:05:25Well, then I suggest you return your purchase.
00:05:26Do you have a receipt?
00:05:27Yeah.
00:05:28Yeah.
00:05:29Yeah, like pot dealers give receipts.
00:05:30Well, you've just covered yourself in glory on this one.
00:05:32Just, please, don't tell my parents.
00:05:34I'll get you the money.
00:05:35I promise.
00:05:36Can you believe it?
00:05:37A thief and a pothead.
00:05:38Well, at least we know now where the two pounds of cookie dough went.
00:05:39I don't know.
00:05:40Too many eggs.
00:05:41I thought.
00:05:42Oh, I gotta have one more.
00:05:43Ah.
00:05:44Ah.
00:05:45Ah.
00:05:46Ah.
00:05:47Ah.
00:05:48Ah.
00:05:49Ah.
00:05:50Ah.
00:05:51Ah.
00:05:52Ah.
00:05:53Ah.
00:05:54Ah.
00:05:55Ah.
00:05:56Ah.
00:05:57Ah.
00:05:58Ah.
00:05:59Ah.
00:06:00Ah.
00:06:01Ah.
00:06:02Ah.
00:06:03Ah.
00:06:04Ah.
00:06:05Ah.
00:06:06Ah.
00:06:07Ah.
00:06:08Ah.
00:06:09Ah.
00:06:10Thank you for doing this.
00:06:11Ah, well.
00:06:12We needed to wipe this slate clean, right?
00:06:14Mm.
00:06:15And honestly, this is the best second first date I've ever had.
00:06:19Isn't it?
00:06:20Mm-hmm.
00:06:21And knowing we're not gonna have sex takes all the pressure off.
00:06:25That's something we know?
00:06:29Yes.
00:06:30We're starting completely over.
00:06:32So this time, we're gonna do things right.
00:06:35W-w-which means what?
00:06:37Well, it means no sex until at least 8-4.
00:06:42Ah.
00:06:43I want us to spend this time really getting to know each other.
00:06:47I do know you.
00:06:48What's my least favorite word?
00:06:50Flum.
00:06:52You're just guessing.
00:06:54It's panties.
00:06:56Although some days it's larva or chunks.
00:06:59Well, I will try to remember that.
00:07:01Now you tell me something I don't know about you.
00:07:05Okay.
00:07:07I'm a painter.
00:07:11I sort of guessed that when you painted my house.
00:07:14I mean, I paint art.
00:07:18Like, on a canvas, in a frame.
00:07:22Seriously?
00:07:23I went to art school in Paris.
00:07:25And my professor had a beret, so you know he was good.
00:07:30Wow.
00:07:31So now you're painting my bathroom?
00:07:37Yeah.
00:07:39That sucks.
00:07:40But I've been blocked for the past year.
00:07:43Blocked?
00:07:44Yeah.
00:07:44I mean, I keep trying to start new pieces, but nothing comes.
00:07:48It's driving me crazy.
00:07:50Well, I'm sorry things aren't going well.
00:07:55But I'm glad you told me.
00:07:58See, we're getting to know each other.
00:08:00And we wouldn't have if we'd spent the whole night in bed.
00:08:03Yeah.
00:08:03And now I'm creatively and sexually frustrated.
00:08:08First dates are awesome.
00:08:11Geez, Roberta, I know you hate to throw anything away, but do you get the garbageman bringing
00:08:19you stuff now?
00:08:20Pardon my French, but what's French for kiss my ass?
00:08:23So you said Dave has a secret.
00:08:26Now, how are you getting that from this?
00:08:28It's just a bunch of phone numbers.
00:08:29Yeah, maybe just a bunch of numbers to you, but to a savvy sleuth with a keen eye and the
00:08:33nose of a bloodhound.
00:08:34Yeah, yeah, you're Miss Marple with a bum liver.
00:08:37So, what's he hiding?
00:08:39Let me walk you through it.
00:08:41Around the first of every month, Dave gets a string of calls, five or six, from this number
00:08:44in Boston.
00:08:45They're all short, 10, 15 seconds.
00:08:47My guess is he's not picking up.
00:08:48Somebody's leaving him messages, you know, bugging him.
00:08:50Once a month, huh?
00:08:52Yeah.
00:08:53I guess it's the next wife looking for her alimony.
00:08:55Except it's not.
00:08:57You see this?
00:08:57After a few days, he always calls back.
00:08:59And who, you ask, is he calling?
00:09:03A hospital in Boston.
00:09:04It's the office of Dr. Samuel Heller, a psychiatrist.
00:09:12So, once a month, Dave whines about his life to a Beantown head shrink.
00:09:21Big whoop.
00:09:22Oh, I looked up your Davies doc on the web.
00:09:25He's not your garden variety shrink.
00:09:27He's a renowned psychiatrist and published author with a very specialized field of expertise.
00:09:36And that, my dear Watson, is your neighbor's little secret.
00:09:40Oh, lap of luxury, how I've missed sitting in you.
00:09:58Oh, I can't tell you how nice it is to hear the sound of children's laughter in this house.
00:10:13You know what I was thinking.
00:10:15Why don't you all stay the weekend?
00:10:17Oh, we'd love to.
00:10:19Geez, we can't.
00:10:19Why not?
00:10:21Celia's birthday party is Sunday.
00:10:23We've got to get ready for it, remember?
00:10:24What's to get ready?
00:10:25You buy a $9 sheet cake and fling a pinata over a tree and bam, party time.
00:10:29But, I don't have a change of clothes.
00:10:32My nephew left a whole closet full of old clothes.
00:10:35I'm sure something will fit you.
00:10:37Well...
00:10:38Carlos, just nod your head, because I ain't leaving this pool.
00:10:41Oh, good.
00:10:42It's settled.
00:10:43Oh, Gabby, your margarita's getting low.
00:10:46I'll send Brandon out with a fresh one.
00:10:52What are you doing?
00:10:53What?
00:10:54You heard the woman.
00:10:55She wants children's laughter.
00:10:56And I want the lobster the chef is serving for dinner.
00:10:58It's a win-win.
00:10:59I just don't feel comfortable with this.
00:11:00Why not?
00:11:01I mean, look at this place.
00:11:02It's like Shangri-La.
00:11:03Wow, you're right.
00:11:05The pitch black I see here is much more dazzling than the one at home.
00:11:08What is your problem?
00:11:10My problem is that it's a bad idea to mix business and pleasure.
00:11:13Says the man who massaged her into an orgasm.
00:11:16Even more reason to keep some professional distance.
00:11:19Carlos, she is just a lonely old woman yearning for some friendship and human contact.
00:11:23And I, for one, am happy to be that human.
00:11:28Mrs. Solis, your margarita?
00:11:31Oh, shoot. I can't reach it.
00:11:40Hey guys, sorry I'm late.
00:11:53Hey.
00:11:54You bring beer?
00:11:55Was I supposed to?
00:11:56No, Tom was supposed to.
00:11:57Gosh, sorry.
00:11:59I thought the two cases I bought Monday would have lasted more than one rehearsal.
00:12:02Boys, we're better off not drinking today.
00:12:04We've got a lot of work to do and only one week to do it.
00:12:06What are you talking about?
00:12:07We are playing Battle of the Bands at the White Horse!
00:12:11Ha ha ha ha!
00:12:13Uh, Dave, Battle of the Bands isn't for amateurs.
00:12:17You gotta audition.
00:12:19Uh, we don't.
00:12:20Edie's got a real estate buddy whose husband owns the club.
00:12:23You're kidding.
00:12:24We're playing an actual gig.
00:12:26And for the people who aren't listening just because I pay their allowance?
00:12:29Well, this is fantastic!
00:12:31Yes!
00:12:32That means the pressure's on.
00:12:33We gotta really rehearse our cover stuff and we need an original song.
00:12:38I don't know anything about songwriting.
00:12:40I know a little bit.
00:12:41No, you don't.
00:12:44It's fine.
00:12:45Mike and I will write something.
00:12:46You got a little time later?
00:12:47Not tonight, I got plans.
00:12:49Plans?
00:12:50What's her name?
00:12:55Can we just rehearse, please?
00:12:57You know, I heard that Susan and Jackson broke up.
00:12:59I heard they got back together.
00:13:01It's not Susan.
00:13:02Stop guessing.
00:13:03Also, get lives.
00:13:05Whatever, Mike.
00:13:06Just so long as you're having fun.
00:13:12Hey, who said you could turn the board around?
00:13:16Get back here.
00:13:17No, just come out here and show me some moves!
00:13:19Sorry to bother you.
00:13:21Just wanted to see if you needed anything before I go off to bed.
00:13:24No, we're good.
00:13:25Sure you don't want to order margarita number 12?
00:13:27You sure you don't want to shut your pie hole?
00:13:29It's so cute how you two bicker.
00:13:32Carlos, how do those pajamas fit you?
00:13:34They're perfect.
00:13:35I hope your nephew doesn't mind that I was wearing them.
00:13:37You'll never know.
00:13:38We're estranged.
00:13:41Oh, okay.
00:13:43Anyway, we're good, so have a nice night.
00:13:49Oh, what's that?
00:13:51Some animated thing.
00:13:52I love animated movies.
00:13:54The girls wanted to watch it, so we're kind of having a family movie night.
00:13:58Oh, that sounds like fun.
00:14:00My heavens, is that penguin surfing?
00:14:05Gee, I don't know.
00:14:06Can't really see the screen anymore.
00:14:09Oh dear, I'm being rude.
00:14:11Oh, that's okay.
00:14:18Man, that's better.
00:14:20Did she just crawl?
00:14:21Oh, yeah.
00:14:31And so there I was in ninth grade, and my boobs had not made an appearance.
00:14:36I was desperate.
00:14:38Let me refill that for you.
00:14:39And so that's when I got caught stuffing at the pep rally.
00:14:44And six months later, kaboom, I was voted prom queen.
00:14:48Nice work, girls.
00:14:50Stop that right now.
00:14:55What?
00:14:56The sex music.
00:14:57Turn it off.
00:14:59That's not sex music.
00:15:06We are not having sex until date number four, and this is date number two.
00:15:10I know what it is.
00:15:12It's just that you look so hot in these pants, and your hair smells so good.
00:15:17And your eyes.
00:15:21Look, I made you dinner.
00:15:22Come on.
00:15:23Jackson.
00:15:24I braised beef for you.
00:15:25Do you know what a pain in the ass it is to braise me?
00:15:28Okay, do you know how sad it makes me to know that you only braised it to boink me?
00:15:33You're supposed to be asking me questions.
00:15:35The point of all this was to get to know each other better.
00:15:37How is it going to make our relationship stronger for me to know that in the fifth grade they sent you to the therapist because you wouldn't stop chewing your hair?
00:15:44You know, that was hard for me to share, and the fact that you just make light of it, you know, I am calling the second date officially over.
00:15:54And you know what?
00:15:55What?
00:15:56I was going to let you fill me up over my box, but now...
00:15:59Nada.
00:16:00Nada.
00:16:16So, before we wrap up here, we still need some chaperones for the junior prom.
00:16:33Aunt Schilling is coordinating the volunteers, and she could really use some help.
00:16:38Nobody?
00:16:39I know we're all busy, but this is important.
00:16:49We want our kids to have fun, but let's face it.
00:16:52If we don't keep an eye on them, God only knows what kind of trouble they'll get into.
00:16:59Helen? Marjorie? You'll help?
00:17:04Fantastic. Thanks, guys.
00:17:09Hey, Lynette.
00:17:17Do these meetings keep getting longer, or do they just seem that way?
00:17:23I don't know.
00:17:27So, how's the family?
00:17:30I haven't seen Penny in so long, and all the kids are getting so big now.
00:17:35I guess the boys will be going off to college soon.
00:17:37Ah!
00:17:39Lynette!
00:17:40I know everything, okay?
00:17:44Look, I'm sorry, but it's important for you to understand.
00:17:52I love Porter.
00:17:54Help!
00:17:55Hey!
00:17:56Ah!
00:17:56Ah!
00:17:58Oh!
00:17:59So do I.
00:18:00And if you ever lay a hand on him again, you will find out just how much.
00:18:05Oh, Brie, I've got good news.
00:18:20Me too.
00:18:21You go first.
00:18:22I hired a girl to replace that thief, Charlie.
00:18:25Oh, well, are you sure she's trustworthy?
00:18:27Well, she comes with a strong recommendation from the head of the local FBI office, her father.
00:18:33Who's Mormon?
00:18:34Well done, Orson.
00:18:37Your turn.
00:18:37Oh!
00:18:37The new Christian reader just published an advance review of my cookbook.
00:18:43Listen.
00:18:44Mrs. Vandekamp's colorful stories of her upbringing show her upstanding values, but her recipes
00:18:49are sinfully delicious.
00:18:51They gave me four halos.
00:18:54Then I think this is appropriate.
00:18:55Holy cow.
00:18:59I have to admit I had some reservations about us working together, but this has succeeded
00:19:03beyond my wildest dreams.
00:19:07We're quite a team, aren't we?
00:19:08Yeah, the best part is we get to see each other all of it in time.
00:19:11Mm-hmm.
00:19:11I know, which makes the hardest part, keeping my hands off you all the time.
00:19:18Orson, you can't be serious here.
00:19:22This kitchen is the birthplace of our triumphs.
00:19:25What a better place to celebrate them, hmm?
00:19:31Oh, these counters are hard on my head.
00:19:34You want me to stop?
00:19:35No, give me an oven mitt.
00:19:36Right.
00:19:38Oh, much better.
00:19:42Rise and shine, girls.
00:19:43Rise and shine.
00:19:46Oh, my God.
00:19:47What are you doing?
00:19:48Gabby, it's fine.
00:19:50We're just doing a little art project.
00:19:52I told the girls they could decorate the room any way they wanted.
00:19:55I'm making a castle.
00:19:59It's stupid.
00:20:00No, you're stupid.
00:20:02You're both stupid.
00:20:03Stop it.
00:20:05Honey, Mrs. Hildebrand, this is really nice of you, but why would you want to ruin your beautiful
00:20:08room?
00:20:09Oh, it's not my room anymore.
00:20:10It's their room.
00:20:12What?
00:20:13Yes, it's the room they'll be staying in whenever you come to visit.
00:20:16They're getting a new TV.
00:20:18Bunk beds.
00:20:20I'll have it ready by the time you get here next weekend.
00:20:24Oh, next weekend.
00:20:26Carlos and I have plans.
00:20:29Well, I bet the girls don't.
00:20:31I'll send a car for them.
00:20:32I don't think that's such a good idea.
00:20:36How about it, girls?
00:20:37Want to spend next weekend here?
00:20:39Yay!
00:20:39Yay!
00:20:40Thank you, Mrs. Hildebrand.
00:20:41Oh, what did I tell you?
00:20:43Sorry.
00:20:44Thank you, Grandma.
00:20:47Come.
00:20:54Grandma.
00:20:55She told them to call her Grandma?
00:20:57Yeah.
00:20:57That's why we're leaving.
00:20:58After you told her we'd stay all weekend, how are we going to do that?
00:21:00I don't know.
00:21:01Make an excuse.
00:21:03Say you have some blind thing you have to go to.
00:21:06We have to be very careful here.
00:21:08This woman has a lot of pull at the country club.
00:21:10Plus, we've got that Europe trip coming up.
00:21:12Whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:21:13We're not going to Europe with Grandma Nutschop.
00:21:15I'm not walking away from $100,000.
00:21:17We need that money.
00:21:18Carlos, it's not worth it.
00:21:19She's really starting to freak me out.
00:21:21Damn it, Gabby.
00:21:22I told you it was dangerous getting chummy with the client.
00:21:24You wouldn't listen.
00:21:25You had to stay for the lobster.
00:21:27Hey, I seem to remember some melted butter on your bed, too.
00:21:29Now, how are we getting out of here?
00:21:31She knows we've got Celia's party tomorrow.
00:21:34I'll tell her we have to go shopping for that.
00:21:36Everything will be fine.
00:21:43Sorry.
00:21:44I had to wait for my folks to go to the store before I could sneak out.
00:21:48What's wrong?
00:21:52Are you okay?
00:21:53I don't know what to do.
00:21:57About what?
00:21:58Let me help you.
00:22:00It's just all such a mess.
00:22:02Wait.
00:22:03Is this about my mom?
00:22:05Did she do something else to you?
00:22:07Did she call your husband?
00:22:09No.
00:22:10Well, then what?
00:22:11Tell me.
00:22:12I'm pregnant.
00:22:19I'm pregnant.
00:22:19Hey, do you mind if I cut out early today?
00:22:38I don't see why not.
00:22:39I mean, everything's pretty much done here.
00:22:40You can go now if you'd like.
00:22:42Thanks.
00:22:47It's true.
00:22:48You look handsome.
00:22:49Do I?
00:22:50Great.
00:22:50Something wrong?
00:22:55You remember Charlie, the kid you guys fired for stealing?
00:22:58Well, he called and asked how you could prove it, and I said, we've got a surveillance tape,
00:23:03scuzzball.
00:23:04Well, guess who stole the surveillance tape last night?
00:23:09That does it.
00:23:09We're pressing charges.
00:23:11You might want to hold off on that, because according to Charlie, the surveillance tape is
00:23:16also a sex tape.
00:23:20What?
00:23:21Yeah, he said it shows a couple really going at it, so any idea who those crazy kids might
00:23:28be?
00:23:30Oh, dear God.
00:23:31Yep.
00:23:32I kind of thought so.
00:23:34How could this be happening?
00:23:36Before anything got serious, I made a point of turning the camera off.
00:23:40Wait, I turned it off, too.
00:23:42I didn't see you do that.
00:23:43No, you were looking for the olive oil.
00:23:46Obviously, you turned it back on.
00:23:48Shh.
00:23:50We need to, um, get that tape back.
00:23:54Yeah, well, break out your checkbook, because he wants two grand for it.
00:23:57Two thousand dollars?
00:23:58Yeah, or he's going to post it on YouTube.
00:24:00What are we going to do?
00:24:02Well, first you need to decide what your porn names are going to be.
00:24:05Okay, this is not a joke.
00:24:06My book comes out next month, my old-fashioned traditional cookbook.
00:24:11This could ruin me.
00:24:12All right, Brie, we'll just pay him.
00:24:14No, I refuse to pay blackmail to some hooligan who's stolen from us twice.
00:24:23Andrew, all my life I have done my best to teach you to respect God and the law and never to harm another living thing.
00:24:32I want you to forget every one of those lessons if it'll help you get that tape back.
00:24:39Wow.
00:24:40So, carte blanche.
00:24:43Uh, within reason.
00:24:45We are not condoning arson or violence or...
00:24:48Arson?
00:24:49Don't cram with the boy's style.
00:24:51Oh, my God.
00:25:04Hey, sweetie, now don't forget to make a wish.
00:25:08Yeah!
00:25:09Happy birthday!
00:25:12Happy birthday!
00:25:13What, uh, are you doing here?
00:25:24I came to give Celia her birthday gift.
00:25:27Well, she's a little busy with her friends right now, so just give it to me and I'll make sure she gets it.
00:25:32I'm afraid that won't be possible.
00:25:34You see, for my present, I'm going to take her to a shop that sells the most exquisite antique dolls
00:25:39and let her pick whichever one she likes.
00:25:41Well, she's not going to leave her party to go buy a doll.
00:25:44Of course not. I'll wait on the porch till it's over.
00:25:47Look, I'm sorry, but I don't want you driving off with my daughter.
00:25:51Well, you know she'll be safe with me.
00:25:53But if you'd feel better joining us...
00:25:56You sure are making this hard.
00:25:58I have tried to be nice, but I am running out of polite here, so I'm just going to say, knock it off.
00:26:03I'm sorry. Knock off what?
00:26:06This whole creepy, clingy, I'm your grandma routine.
00:26:09But I've come to feel like a grandmother to the girls.
00:26:11In three days. That's the creepy part.
00:26:14What a hurtful thing to say.
00:26:16Especially given how generous I've been to your family.
00:26:19Yeah, too generous. It's like you're trying to buy us or something.
00:26:22Well, we're not for sale, so just back off.
00:26:25Who do you think you're talking to?
00:26:27You wicked, unrightful girl.
00:26:30You're not the first greedy bitch who's tried to bleed me dry and then wash her hands with me.
00:26:35Okay, we're done here. Goodbye.
00:26:36Goodbye.
00:26:36Goodbye.
00:26:36Goodbye.
00:26:39Am I not making myself clear? Get off my property!
00:26:42Gabby.
00:26:44What's going on?
00:26:47I came to buy Celia a doll.
00:26:49I believe you've heard Gabby's response.
00:26:53Virginia, please.
00:26:54Allow me to apologize?
00:26:56I think it's a little late for that.
00:26:57Thank you for a wonderful third date.
00:27:12And I'm glad that you're back on board with our plan.
00:27:14Yeah, I really think I'm starting to get something out of it.
00:27:17Oh, pop quiz.
00:27:20Why did Tim Beale stop talking to me in eighth grade?
00:27:23You told Erin Connors about her nose job.
00:27:25Right?
00:27:26What time is it?
00:27:28Uh, 10.48?
00:27:29No.
00:27:30It's sex time.
00:27:32Huh.
00:27:33Hmm.
00:27:33Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:27:35What?
00:27:35Stop.
00:27:37More than having sex till the fourth date, remember?
00:27:39Jackson, look at me.
00:27:41I'm tipsy.
00:27:42I'm horny.
00:27:42I'm easier than a five-year-old's homework.
00:27:50I'll call you tomorrow.
00:27:59The forehead?
00:28:00I hate to say anything, Stan, but you are president of the country club.
00:28:09You need to know that the way Carlos touched me during my last massage, well, let's just
00:28:15say it was highly inappropriate.
00:28:17And that kind of behavior is a liability the club can't afford.
00:28:25Good.
00:28:26I appreciate your taking care of it.
00:28:30Hello.
00:28:37Uh, hello.
00:28:37Is this Dr. Helen?
00:28:38Speaking.
00:28:39Who's calling?
00:28:39I'm Maggie Card, Hilltop Insurance.
00:28:42We have an applicant for a new term life insurance policy, and he lists you as a previous
00:28:46care provider.
00:28:47I was hoping to verify his medical history.
00:28:50The name's Dave Williams.
00:28:51Dave Williams?
00:28:52I don't know what Dave Williams.
00:28:53Well, sure you do.
00:28:54You call him every month.
00:28:56How would Maggie help me?
00:28:57I'm guessing.
00:28:59Who is this?
00:29:00Uh, hi.
00:29:01Dr. Heller.
00:29:02I'm, uh, Lindsay Thorne.
00:29:04I'm, uh, Maggie's supervisor.
00:29:05And she's confused and about to get fired.
00:29:08And, uh, we just need you to confirm for our records that you're treating a man named
00:29:12David Williams.
00:29:14What is your Medicare ID number?
00:29:17Um, I'm not sure.
00:29:18We're in the process of converting to the metric system.
00:29:21I don't know who this is, but are you aware that what you are doing is illegal?
00:29:29Okay, look, we're just trying to get some info on this guy.
00:29:31He just moved to Fairview and he's really creeping people out.
00:29:34You're in Fairview?
00:29:36You're in Fairview?
00:29:37Yeah, why?
00:29:38Does that mean something to you?
00:29:43No, I'm just trying to get all the info I need when I contact the federal authorities to let them know that.
00:29:48Well, we really screwed the pooch on that one.
00:29:56Yeah, back to the drawing board.
00:29:58Can I Irish that up for you?
00:30:00It's noon somewhere.
00:30:02You got the tape!
00:30:09How did you manage that?
00:30:10Orson, we don't need to know.
00:30:12No, you don't.
00:30:13But it's kind of amazing what you can get a bunch of bikers to do for a case of beer.
00:30:17Oh, my.
00:30:18Well, I better destroy this.
00:30:19Actually, you may want to watch it first.
00:30:22Why?
00:30:22I'm embarrassed enough as it is.
00:30:24Humor me.
00:30:25I'll queue it up.
00:30:26You watched it?
00:30:27Well, I had to make sure it was the right disc.
00:30:30Here, just watch a little bit.
00:30:32Oh, dear God.
00:30:34I can't look.
00:30:35Really, Andrew.
00:30:39Wait.
00:30:40Bree, that's not us.
00:30:41What?
00:30:42Who is it, then?
00:30:44Wait, wait.
00:30:44You flip the arm just a sec.
00:30:46This is where it gets good.
00:30:53Catherine!
00:30:53And Mike.
00:30:57Just so you know, I'm never eating anything that comes out of that kitchen again.
00:31:02Jackson!
00:31:09Jackson?
00:31:16Oh.
00:31:20Hi.
00:31:20Hi.
00:31:20I am declaring this our official fourth date, OK?
00:31:34The rules have been followed, and you may begin disrobing now.
00:31:40I'm kind of doing something right now.
00:31:44OK, I just ran into your house half naked.
00:31:47The only thing you should be doing is me.
00:31:50What is on your face?
00:31:54Is that paint?
00:31:56Are you painting again?
00:31:58Yeah.
00:32:00I thought you were blocked.
00:32:01I was, but not having sex for a few days,
00:32:05kind of got my juices flowing in a different direction.
00:32:08So now I really need to finish.
00:32:10So you've broken through your creative log jam?
00:32:15Congratulations.
00:32:17Oh, why not celebrate by ripping off my clothes with your teeth?
00:32:19I can't.
00:32:20I'm not finished yet.
00:32:22How close are you?
00:32:23Because I can wait.
00:32:24No, wait.
00:32:25No, don't look at that yet.
00:32:35That's me.
00:32:36It's supposed to be.
00:32:41That look on my face, I've seen it before, in the mirror, when I'm feeling.
00:32:54How do you know about that look?
00:32:56Well, I know a lot about you.
00:33:09I know your cheeks get red when people say you're pretty.
00:33:15I know that your eyes start to tear up whenever you talk about your grandfather.
00:33:22And I know that when you're really sad, you get that beautiful, haunted look that you're
00:33:30trying to shake off before anybody can see you.
00:33:32I can't believe I ever thought you didn't know me.
00:33:42Well, I guess I should let you finish this.
00:33:51I'm sort of missing hands.
00:33:54Hmm.
00:33:55Well, actually, that is one detail I could do some help with.
00:33:59Really?
00:34:00Unless you have a problem posing naked.
00:34:03Oh.
00:34:04Come on.
00:34:05Yeah.
00:34:06I think you know the answer to that.
00:34:15Hey.
00:34:16Hello, Katherine.
00:34:17Um, I thought you might want this videotape from our surveillance camera.
00:34:22We have a surveillance camera?
00:34:25Yes, in the, uh, test kitchen.
00:34:28Oh, my God.
00:34:32So, that means you saw me and...
00:34:35Mike.
00:34:36Yes, indeedy.
00:34:37Oh, I am so embarrassed.
00:34:39Oh, what you must think of me.
00:34:42Let's not dwell on it.
00:34:43Oh, what?
00:34:44I mean, having sex in the kitchen.
00:34:45Where food's prepared.
00:34:46What kind of demented slut would do that?
00:34:48I said, let's not dwell on it.
00:34:51Thanks for bringing a pie.
00:34:55Katherine.
00:34:56I'm sorry, but I just have to ask.
00:34:58Are you sure you know what you're doing?
00:35:00Meaning what?
00:35:01Meaning Susan is your oldest friend on this street.
00:35:05She divorced him, Brie.
00:35:07And she's seeing someone else.
00:35:08Why can't Mike do that?
00:35:10Because she's your friend, and we're women.
00:35:13We don't do that to each other.
00:35:17Look.
00:35:19I've been alone for five years.
00:35:22I'm finally in a relationship, and you're trying to make me feel guilty?
00:35:25Is that what I saw on the tape?
00:35:27A relationship?
00:35:28I don't know what it is.
00:35:30All I know is I'm having the time of my life.
00:35:34Fair enough, but just be careful.
00:35:38I mean, this is very complicated.
00:35:40I hate to see it end badly.
00:35:42Hey, breakfast on the table.
00:35:56Porter, this whole hating me thing that you've got going on right now.
00:36:11Believe it or not, I get where you're coming from.
00:36:14I don't hate you.
00:36:16But one day you are going to meet someone more appropriate.
00:36:22Someone who wants the same things that you do out of life.
00:36:28Then you are going to know what real love is.
00:36:31And when you do, I hope you will finally see where I am coming from.
00:36:42Yeah?
00:36:43It's me. Can you talk?
00:36:45Hey, Gary. I'm running kind of late. Can I call you later?
00:36:48Just listen. I can leave town Saturday.
00:36:52You have the money, right?
00:36:54Yeah. No problem.
00:36:56I love you.
00:37:11I know where you're coming from, Mom.
00:37:15And I want you and Dad to know that I really appreciate everything you've done for me.
00:37:26Good.
00:37:32I'll see you downstairs.
00:37:44Desire.
00:37:45It's an emotion designed to lead us astray.
00:37:49Persuading those who crave love to make foolish choices.
00:37:57Causing those who yearn for family to act out in anger.
00:38:02Allowing those who are lonely to behave in reckless ways.
00:38:17And when the pursuit of our heart's desire becomes an obsession,
00:38:21the best we can hope for is a caring friend willing to come along.
00:38:29Hi.
00:38:30I'd like to book the next flight to Fairview.
00:38:33And stop us.
00:38:34Previously on Desperate Housewives.
00:38:35I love you.
00:38:36You're having sex with your best friend's mother?
00:38:37An affair was revealed.
00:38:38You have to promise me that you won't say anything to her psycho husband.
00:38:39A good time was brought to an end.
00:38:40Back off.
00:38:41Who do you think you're talking to?
00:38:42We're done here.
00:38:43Goodbye.
00:38:44And a man's past was uncovered.
00:38:45Look, we're just trying to get some info on this guy.
00:38:46He just moved to Fairview and he's really creeping people out.
00:38:47You're in Fairview?
00:38:48Yeah.
00:38:49Why?
00:38:50Does that mean something to you?
00:38:51Once a year, the only woman who is in the world is a woman's world.
00:38:53He's a woman's mother.
00:38:54An affair was revealed.
00:38:55You have to promise me that you won't say anything to her psycho husband.
00:38:56A good time was brought to an end.
00:38:57Back off.
00:38:58Who do you think you're talking to?
00:38:59We're done here.
00:39:00Goodbye.
00:39:01And a man's past was uncovered.
00:39:02Look, we're just trying to get some info on this guy.
00:39:03He just moved to Fairview and he's really creeping people out.
00:39:04You're in Fairview?
00:39:05Yeah.
00:39:06Why?
00:39:07Thanks, I got this.
00:39:08Once a year, the owner of the Whitehorse Bar would host a competition known as the Battle
00:39:13of the Bands.
00:39:14Give it up for Coach Flag.
00:39:16And young musicians would come with their drums and guitars and dreams of stardom.
00:39:37This year, those young musicians were joined by a group of middle-aged men who came with
00:39:45their stiff joints and high cholesterol and dreams of being young again, if only for one
00:39:54night.
00:39:55John, look at those guys.
00:40:00They're so young.
00:40:01No wonder they went first.
00:40:02They probably have homework.
00:40:04You guys relax.
00:40:05Rock and roll's not just for young people.
00:40:07Why are they so loud?
00:40:09Not helping, Carlos.
00:40:10But they're really good, and we're really old enough to be their fathers.
00:40:15Okay.
00:40:16We may look a little old up there.
00:40:17We may hit a few clams.
00:40:18But who cares?
00:40:19We're here to have fun.
00:40:20Yeah.
00:40:21Tonight, we're not the bummer, and I'm the sewer, and I'm the guy that makes pizzas.
00:40:24We're a rock and roll band.
00:40:26Right, Dave?
00:40:27Absolutely.
00:40:28Look, I gotta check with the guy who would like you.
00:40:34I'm sure we're not gonna humiliate ourselves.
00:40:37I promise you, that'll be a night to remember.
00:40:40And it was.
00:40:41Mustang Sally.
00:40:42Yes, you better slow your Mustang down.
00:40:56In ways they could never have known.
00:40:59Mustang Sally.
00:41:04Oh, my God!
00:41:05Fire!
00:41:06It's locked.
00:41:19The next morning, news of the tragedy began to spread.
00:41:38Along with rumors that the blaze had been set intentionally.
00:41:44It wasn't long before the police began using the word arson.
00:41:51And someone was taken into custody.
00:41:57Oh, look at my little girl.
00:42:11Isn't she adorable?
00:42:12Oh, I missed her so much.
00:42:14I can't wait to meet her.
00:42:15Oh, not yet.
00:42:16I want to give her new boyfriend the once-over.
00:42:18Wow, he's as cute as she said.
00:42:21Nice smile, and look at that hair.
00:42:24Don't you just want to run your fingers through it?
00:42:26Fortunately for you, no.
00:42:28You know, I'm very good at first impressions.
00:42:31I'm gonna like this guy.
00:42:36Why is the cab driver handing Julie's boyfriend money?
00:42:42Why is Julie's boyfriend getting back in the cab?
00:42:47And why is the middle-aged cab driver kissing Julie?
00:42:51I think what's going on here-
00:42:56I know what's going on.
00:42:57Let me enjoy my denial.
00:43:02Let him home!
00:43:03You wouldn't believe the traffic.
00:43:05Hello, Gabrielle.
00:43:07Virginia came by to say hello.
00:43:08Isn't that a nice surprise?
00:43:10I have news I wanted to share.
00:43:12You don't seem happy to see me.
00:43:14Well, maybe that's because the last time we spoke, you called me a greedy bitch, and I called you a scary old hat.
00:43:21Weren't we a fine pair of hotheads?
00:43:23But what family doesn't have its squabbles?
00:43:25Family?
00:43:26Lady, you had Carlos fired!
00:43:28That was a terrible misunderstanding.
00:43:30And she straightened it out, and I got my job back.
00:43:33Isn't that nice?
00:43:34Delightful.
00:43:35Now leave before there's a terrible misunderstanding between my foot and your ass!
00:43:41Gabby, can I see you in the kitchen?
00:43:44Now?
00:43:47Save your breath, Carlos.
00:43:48There is no way we're letting Grandma screw loose back into our lives.
00:43:51She put us in her will.
00:43:53Oh my God!
00:43:54That woman is crazy!
00:43:56Is she crazy or just desperately lonely?
00:43:58I don't care.
00:43:59All she wants is some human contact.
00:44:01To hang out with us on the occasional weekend.
00:44:03Maybe a holiday or two.
00:44:04Right.
00:44:05And in exchange, when she finally kicks a bucket, we wind up with a lamp.
00:44:07I'm sorry, Carlos.
00:44:08We're the sole heirs of her entire fortune.
00:44:15And her blood pressure is 220 over 90.
00:44:19Virginia!
00:44:20Why can't I stay mad at you?
00:44:26Alright then.
00:44:27We'll see you soon.
00:44:28The report is almost here.
00:44:29I am so nervous.
00:44:31Why?
00:44:32You've done lots of interviews.
00:44:33That was all local.
00:44:34This is the New York dispatch.
00:44:35If this goes well, my cookbook could be on the front page of their weekend style section.
00:44:43Katherine, what did you do to your hair?
00:44:45I've never seen it look so thick and lustrous.
00:44:48I'm already planning to say nice things about you.
00:44:50Good.
00:44:51I can check that off my list.
00:44:52Where's the reporter coming?
00:44:53Any minute.
00:44:54Any minute.
00:44:55Oh my gosh, Andrew.
00:44:56Don't you look sharp today.
00:44:57Don't worry.
00:44:58I won't tell her I'm gay.
00:45:00Check and check.
00:45:01Mom, do you know anything about this reporter?
00:45:03Only that her name is Sandra Birch.
00:45:05We just spoke and she seemed very nice.
00:45:06She isn't.
00:45:07I went online and pulled a bunch of her articles and a lot of them are complete hatchet jobs.
00:45:11A deeper look suggests something darker, something more ominous.
00:45:14A woman whose perky surface conceals a deep, almost demonic thirst for power.
00:45:19Ooh.
00:45:20I doubt Betty White saw that coming.
00:45:22Mom, if this woman tanks you, it could kill sales of the book.
00:45:25You're gonna have to figure out a way to handle this.
00:45:27Knock, knock.
00:45:29I'm looking for Brie.
00:45:35You must be Sandra.
00:45:37What a sharp outfit.
00:45:39And look at that hair, so thick and lustrous.
00:45:43Um, Mom, you got a minute?
00:45:55I do.
00:45:56Why do I have a sense you're gonna take it away from me?
00:45:59Porter got Angelline pregnant.
00:46:05Mom, are you okay?
00:46:08Oh yeah, I'm great.
00:46:10That it?
00:46:12No.
00:46:13There's more.
00:46:14They're planning to run away.
00:46:16Okay.
00:46:17What are your minutes up?
00:46:20Aren't you gonna go talk to him?
00:46:23No, I have to talk to someone else first.
00:46:28Remember when you left that soda can on the coffee table and it left a ring and I yelled at you?
00:46:41Let me take it all back.
00:46:43Yeah.
00:46:48And we always sell out, so I want the band there by six.
00:46:52Any questions?
00:46:53Sounds good.
00:46:54When are we on?
00:46:55Second.
00:46:56You got the primo spot as a favor to my wife.
00:46:58Since she rented you the space, she feels like part of the band.
00:47:01Well, rock on, Ann Schilling.
00:47:03If she requests Freebird, we're doing it.
00:47:06Hey, uh, Tom.
00:47:08I saw a porter at my house the other day.
00:47:11Oh.
00:47:12Yeah, he and Kirby were shooting hoops.
00:47:14I can't believe how big he's getting.
00:47:16Yeah.
00:47:17They grow up fast, huh?
00:47:20Yeah.
00:47:21A little too fast.
00:47:22Yeah.
00:47:32Uh, hey, Doc.
00:47:33I know I owe you a phone call.
00:47:34I'm gonna cut to the chase, Dave.
00:47:37Are you in Fairview?
00:47:39What?
00:47:41Where did that come from?
00:47:42Doesn't matter where it came from.
00:47:44Are you in Fairview?
00:47:48Look, I don't know what brought this on, but I'm really busy right now.
00:47:51I'll call you tomorrow, I promise.
00:47:52We can talk about it then.
00:47:54Okay?
00:47:55Bye.
00:48:00Excuse me.
00:48:01Could you tell me how to get to Wisteria Lane?
00:48:07So, there we were, huddled under this broken umbrella, and he just kissed me.
00:48:12It was so romantic.
00:48:13Aw.
00:48:14You're just skipping the part with one of the spokes.
00:48:15It got me in the eye.
00:48:18Julie, I'm gonna take your suitcases upstairs now, okay?
00:48:20Oh, I'll come with you.
00:48:21I need to check my email.
00:48:23Be right back.
00:48:24So, Susan, um, I'm sensing that, uh, you're a little freaked out about my age.
00:48:38You know, when your 24-year-old daughter calls you and tells you she's bringing home a boy from college, you sort of expect her to be, well, a boy.
00:48:47Well, I just want you to know that we didn't start dating until after the semester was over. I don't date students. That's a rule with me.
00:48:57And a damn good one.
00:48:59Well, strictly speaking, I suppose my third wife was my teaching assistant, but she was really more of my employee than my student.
00:49:06Your what?
00:49:09Student.
00:49:10Before that?
00:49:11Employee.
00:49:12Before that.
00:49:13Third wife?
00:49:14That's the one.
00:49:16So, you've been married three times?
00:49:19Didn't Julie tell you that?
00:49:20I don't believe so.
00:49:22Although, I may have blacked out after she told me you were 40.
00:49:26So, how does a man your age get married and divorced three times?
00:49:29Well, my first wife and I were only married a few months, so I almost don't like to count it.
00:49:34Did someone throw a rise at you?
00:49:35Yeah.
00:49:36It counts.
00:49:37Is this upsetting you?
00:49:39I thought you'd understand. Julie said you'd been divorced yourself.
00:49:42Yeah, only twice. Two. Small number. Much smaller than three.
00:49:46And my first cheated on me, so that doesn't even count.
00:49:49Did someone throw a rise at you?
00:49:50Shut up.
00:49:51Look, you and I both know that sometimes it just doesn't work out.
00:49:56Well, that's true.
00:50:00Besides, it's different with Julie. I love her so much.
00:50:04It's very important that you know I take my commitment seriously.
00:50:08Why?
00:50:11Oh, my God.
00:50:12Lloyd, come here. I can't find my cell phone charger.
00:50:15Please, please. Don't say anything.
00:50:18I want it to be a surprise.
00:50:20Thanks.
00:50:22Mom.
00:50:28And this is my own little kitchen.
00:50:30I'm pretty sure my husband's here somewhere. Orson, dear. Are you decent?
00:50:34In here, though.
00:50:35Nice to meet you. I've had the most delightful time with your wife and stepson.
00:50:48Your home is stunning.
00:50:51You cannot run a business and do all this, too.
00:50:53Tell me you have a housekeeper.
00:50:54Why would I pay someone to do work that gives me such joy?
00:50:59Now, who wants a little snack?
00:51:04Brie, the idea was for me to spend a typical day with you.
00:51:07So, this is legit? You're really this Donna Reed housewife from the 50s?
00:51:14You say that like it's a bad thing. I think that decade had a lot to recommend it.
00:51:19People had values then. Values this family strives to uphold.
00:51:23But not everyone can keep a perfect house for a perfect family with perfect food and perfect flowers.
00:51:30Of course they can. If they read my book, that is.
00:51:35Okay. Truth be told, I'm far from perfect.
00:51:39Only yesterday, I burned a whole tray of biscotti.
00:51:43Wow.
00:51:45And to think I was worried about finding a lead.
00:51:49Andrew, please. The machine can get it.
00:51:51We never answer the phone while entertaining. So rude to one's guests.
00:51:55Now, may I pour you some more tea?
00:51:58This is Mr. Jones from Orson Hodge.
00:52:01Due to vacation schedules, I'll be filling in for your parole officer.
00:52:04Give me a call, please.
00:52:10So, Mr. Hodge, you've been to prison.
00:52:16Now can I be gay?
00:52:17Now can I be gay?
00:52:18Uh-huh.
00:52:24Kirby, is that you?
00:52:26I thought you went to the movies.
00:52:27Are you really pregnant?
00:52:40Yes.
00:52:46A couple months back, Warren and I, we fought.
00:52:50We fought.
00:52:53I was pretty banged up and...
00:52:56Porter came by looking for Kirby and...
00:53:00And...
00:53:02He was so...
00:53:04Kind and...
00:53:06And gentle.
00:53:07Don't!
00:53:09Don't try and justify this. This is sick.
00:53:12You are sick.
00:53:13You are sick.
00:53:21Your son...
00:53:23Loves me.
00:53:26And I love him.
00:53:30And you know what?
00:53:32I'm glad.
00:53:34I'm having Porter's baby.
00:53:40Damn.
00:53:43Not exactly what a husband wants to hear coming in the door.
00:53:48I suppose dinner's not ready either.
00:53:53Warren, I'm sorry that...
00:53:59I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
00:54:02Don't go.
00:54:05I need to talk with my wife right now.
00:54:07I'm sorry for any pain this has caused your family, Mrs. Scott.
00:54:25I'm sorry.
00:54:29Damn it.
00:54:33You think you could humiliate me?
00:54:35You piece of...
00:54:37Get off of her! Get off of her! I'm calling the police!
00:54:39Stay out of this!
00:54:48Okay, well just so you know, I hid back.
00:54:52Call the police.
00:54:53I'd love to hear her explain her way out of statutory rape.
00:54:59You don't live here anymore.
00:55:03Okay.
00:55:10Oh my God!
00:55:11Oh my God!
00:55:15Oh, thank you for coming back.
00:55:24Here we are, boys.
00:55:26Are you psyched or what?
00:55:27I feel like I'm gonna puke again.
00:55:29Hey.
00:55:31Hey.
00:55:33You guys Cold Splash?
00:55:34Yes, sir.
00:55:36Sure.
00:55:38We're Blue Odyssey.
00:55:39Yeah, I can see that.
00:55:42Uh, so after the gig, we're having a party at our manager's loft.
00:55:45You guys should come.
00:55:46None.
00:55:47Absolutely.
00:55:48We just gotta check with our wives.
00:55:49Why were you talking to that woman?
00:55:50She just walked up and asked if we knew you.
00:55:55Wanted us to confirm a bunch of rumors.
00:55:56What kind of rumors?
00:55:57Just stuff she'd heard around the neighborhood.
00:55:58Were you really a booze hound?
00:55:59Lee?
00:56:00No, I'm just saying.
00:56:01I wish I'd have known you then.
00:56:02We'd have been such good friends.
00:56:03She seemed to know an awful lot about you.
00:56:04Key word, awful.
00:56:05I cannot let this happen.
00:56:06I have to find you that way.
00:56:07Yeah.
00:56:08No, you're not too much.
00:56:09I don't know.
00:56:10I don't know.
00:56:11You're not too much.
00:56:12No, I don't know.
00:56:13No, I don't know.
00:56:14Why were you talking to that woman?
00:56:15She just walked up and asked if we knew you.
00:56:16Wanted us to confirm a bunch of rumors.
00:56:17What kind of rumors?
00:56:18Just stuff she'd heard around the neighborhood.
00:56:21Were you really a booze hound?
00:56:22Lee?
00:56:23No, I'm just saying.
00:56:24I wish I'd have known you then.
00:56:25We'd have been such good friends.
00:56:26Key word? Awful.
00:56:28I cannot let this happen. I have to find her.
00:56:31Well, she's going to be at the Battle of the Bands tonight.
00:56:34Why?
00:56:35She wants to hear Orson, and I quote,
00:56:37sing harmony with the guy he tried to kill.
00:56:40Oh, dear God.
00:56:41This woman is determined to make my life sound ten times worse than it actually is.
00:56:45Yeah.
00:56:45So is your first husband really into S&M hookers?
00:56:52And you wonder why we're never invited anywhere.
00:56:56Okay, girls. Mommy's leaving. They love you.
00:57:00I'm planning on having a massive hangover tomorrow,
00:57:02so keep the girls up late till we can all sleep in.
00:57:13My, don't you look festive.
00:57:16Virginia, what are you doing here?
00:57:19What do you mean?
00:57:19We're going to watch Carlos' band play.
00:57:22You invited me this morning, remember?
00:57:24No, uh, what I remember was you asking me to the movies tonight,
00:57:29and me saying I couldn't because I was going to watch Carlos' band play.
00:57:34You got an invitation out of that?
00:57:36Well, I'm here now, dear, and I have this lovely limo,
00:57:39so come on, we'll ride over to the club in style.
00:57:41Oh, well, here's the thing. I'm supposed to go with my girlfriends.
00:57:44Oh, Gabby, please. I was so looking forward to this.
00:57:48Don't make me go all alone.
00:57:49Well, I guess we're all going to the same place.
00:57:56I'll just see my friend's heir.
00:57:58Oh, goody.
00:58:03Where's Anne?
00:58:03Oh, she's asleep. She's fine.
00:58:05What happened?
00:58:06I went over to talk to Anne about recent developments.
00:58:09You went to her house?
00:58:10Yes, I did, Porter. I had to talk to Anne.
00:58:12I didn't know that her husband was there, and he overheard us, and...
00:58:16The doctors say she's going to be fine.
00:58:21Porter, where are you going?
00:58:23Damn it.
00:58:28Tonic water, bourbon, ketchup, this is your grocery list.
00:58:31There's got to be something else on Dave's phone bill that will help us.
00:58:34Uh, there isn't.
00:58:35Oh, don't get broccoli. It is not your friend.
00:58:39You're telling me that you cross-checked all those other numbers, and there was nothing?
00:58:43Squat.
00:58:44The key is this doctor guy.
00:58:46Yeah.
00:58:46Maybe we should just bite the bullet and go to Boston.
00:58:49Yeah. Maybe we can get more out of them face to face.
00:59:03Hey, you want to go to a rock show tonight?
00:59:05Me? With you?
00:59:06Well, I'm a little out of your league, but if it'll get you there, sure.
00:59:11I don't think I can, but thanks.
00:59:13Here, in case you change your mind.
00:59:15Hmm.
00:59:29And then I noticed that Maria's pockets were stuffed with silverware.
00:59:33I'm telling you, it's impossible to find good help these days.
00:59:36Well, you'll know soon enough when my cholesterol finally gets the better of me.
00:59:42Don't talk like that.
00:59:44You want a cheeseburger or something?
00:59:50That has got to stop. I'm going to do something.
00:59:53Why?
00:59:54Julie's a grown woman.
00:59:55Uh-huh.
00:59:56She's a grown woman with stars in her eyes who's in love with a three-time loser.
01:00:02If she wants to accept his proposal, that's her business.
01:00:05But in the meantime, you're not going to ruin his surprise.
01:00:08Aren't I?
01:00:09No.
01:00:10Aren't I?
01:00:11No.
01:00:11You're right.
01:00:20I'll stay out of it.
01:00:26Oh, now where is the little girl's room?
01:00:31Hey, why did that guy hand you a CD?
01:00:33Your name isn't Julie, is it?
01:00:34No.
01:00:35Why?
01:00:36Well, there's a song in there he wants me to play.
01:00:37I guess he's going to propose to his girlfriend or something.
01:00:39Tonight?
01:00:42Isn't that lovely?
01:00:43I don't see.
01:01:04Hey, two.
01:01:06What's going on?
01:01:07Um, nothing.
01:01:08Susan, what's going on with you?
01:01:10Oh, I just love this song.
01:01:13And Jackson doesn't like to dance, so...
01:01:16Isn't this fun?
01:01:20It was.
01:01:21Oh, it reminds me of being young and single.
01:01:24Oh, I wish I'd never given up that.
01:01:27Yeah, Susan, listen.
01:01:28I don't want to sound rude or anything,
01:01:30but this is really a moment that's meant for two.
01:01:33Right, right.
01:01:36You mind easing away so I can dance with my daughter?
01:01:42Susan, what are you doing?
01:01:46I'm just moving to the music.
01:01:49Yeah.
01:01:49You're coming with me.
01:01:50No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:01:53Oh, all right.
01:01:55But no matter what he asks you, promise me you'll say no.
01:01:58Susan?
01:01:59Lloyd, I'm sorry.
01:02:00I can't help it.
01:02:01I don't want my daughter to be someone's fourth wife.
01:02:03Wife?
01:02:05Were you going to ask me to marry you?
01:02:06Oh, were we not clear on that by now?
01:02:09You can't be serious.
01:02:10We've only been dating three months.
01:02:12Yes, I know, but I have such a good feeling about us.
01:02:15What, better feelings than you had about wives one, two, and three, Mom?
01:02:20You are very sweet, but I'm not getting married.
01:02:24Never.
01:02:25Ever?
01:02:25What do you mean, ever?
01:02:27We'll talk about this later.
01:02:28I just really need a moment to myself.
01:02:44Free.
01:02:45Darling.
01:02:46Spare me your darling, Sandra.
01:02:48I know you've been trying to dig up dirt on me.
01:02:51Just doing my job.
01:02:54And frankly, I didn't have to dig all that hard.
01:02:56I wrote a cookbook, Sandra.
01:02:58Meatloaf, pot pies, peach cobbler.
01:03:01Why are you trying to crucify me?
01:03:03Because it's not a cookbook, Bree.
01:03:05It's a look-how-great-I-am book.
01:03:08One designed to make every woman who reads it feel like a failure if she doesn't measure up.
01:03:12What you're selling is a total sham.
01:03:13But it isn't, Sandra.
01:03:17Because I don't think I'm great.
01:03:20I have fallen down more times than I can count, just like so many other housewives out there.
01:03:25We're all just barely holding on, and we all think that we're alone.
01:03:30So maybe you're right.
01:03:31Maybe it isn't a cookbook.
01:03:33It's a lifeline from me to those other women, because I want them to know there's always a chance to get something right.
01:03:39Even if it's just a casserole.
01:03:45But why didn't you just tell me that right up front, Bree?
01:03:48That's an angle I can work with.
01:03:51I got some good news today.
01:03:56I've been speaking with the headmaster at Greenbrier Country Day School, and I got them to reserve two spots for the girls.
01:04:01They start next term.
01:04:03Well, thanks, but the girls already have a school.
01:04:05Yes, I know, a public school.
01:04:07This is a good school.
01:04:08But you know they're happy where they are.
01:04:09They love Fairview.
01:04:11Besides, Greenbrier is like an hour away.
01:04:13So I'll get them a driver.
01:04:14That would be a real treat for them.
01:04:16No, I want them to be close by.
01:04:18They could need me during the school day, get sick or something.
01:04:20Oh, that's what school nurses are for.
01:04:23Dear, this is a decision I feel very strongly about.
01:04:25I'm afraid I have to insist.
01:04:28Excuse me, you don't get to insist on anything when it comes to my daughters.
01:04:33I think, given the extent of my investment in this family, I should have some say.
01:04:37I'll just give you some time to think about it.
01:04:40I don't need any time to think about it.
01:04:42Keep your money.
01:04:43Now you're being reckless.
01:04:44You know something?
01:04:46I like money.
01:04:47I like it a lot.
01:04:48And a couple years ago, you could have bought me with that big fortune of yours.
01:04:51But I'm a mom now.
01:04:52And I make the decisions for my kids.
01:04:56And that is something that cannot be bought.
01:04:59Kathy, I can make a decision, too.
01:05:00I can call my lawyer tomorrow morning and take you out of my will.
01:05:03And that is your right as a crazy old rich lady.
01:05:09Hmm.
01:05:10Hmm.
01:05:12Hmm.
01:05:12Hmm.
01:05:22Screening your calls now, Dave?
01:05:23Yeah.
01:05:31Let me guess.
01:05:34You can explain everything.
01:05:35I'm really, really sorry, Doc.
01:05:49You changed your name and didn't tell me you're living in Fairview.
01:05:55The one place you swore you wouldn't go.
01:05:59I didn't change my name to be deceptive.
01:06:03I just wanted a fresh start.
01:06:04Fairview is not a fresh start for you.
01:06:06My wife, Edie, she's from here.
01:06:09And she really wants to move back.
01:06:10And I said, okay.
01:06:11Did you tell her your history?
01:06:12Did you tell her why it's not healthy or safe for you to be here?
01:06:22She knows everything.
01:06:23And I'm in a really good place right now.
01:06:27But can we talk about this after the show?
01:06:31Well, these guys, they're my friends.
01:06:36And they're depending on me.
01:06:38Let's start this year's Battle of the Bands with our first group.
01:06:51Give it up for Cole Splath.
01:06:53Spare me the apology for butting into my life for the millionth time.
01:07:11What is this about you never getting married?
01:07:14Why would I?
01:07:15If there's one thing I've learned from your experience, marriage is a joke.
01:07:19Hey, I believe in marriage.
01:07:21Why?
01:07:22First, there was Dad who left you for his secretary.
01:07:24And then Mike, he was the love of your life and it still went to hell.
01:07:29I mean, honestly, just tell me what the upside is.
01:07:33Oh, Julie, you're way too young to be this cynical.
01:07:36I am not cynical.
01:07:38I'm realistic.
01:07:40I'm just trying to protect myself.
01:07:45Well, putting a wall around your heart doesn't protect you.
01:07:50It just keeps people out.
01:07:52I learned that the hard way.
01:07:54Now, with Jackson, I remember that I like feeling hopeful.
01:08:01I like believing in happily ever after.
01:08:04I really wish that you felt that way too.
01:08:07Sorry about the tip, but I just lost 50 million dollars.
01:08:29Gabby, have you seen Porter?
01:08:31No, I haven't.
01:08:32Why is he supposed to be here?
01:08:32No, so if you see him, please tell me.
01:08:36Thanks.
01:08:53Yeah, come on.
01:08:54Tonight, we're not a plumber and a masseur and a guy that makes pizza.
01:08:57Says we're a rock and roll band.
01:08:59Right, Dave?
01:09:03Absolutely.
01:09:04Look, I'm going to check with the guy about the light cues.
01:09:07Hey, Doc.
01:09:09He's in your band.
01:09:12Oh, I know.
01:09:14It sounds crazy, but we've worked through everything.
01:09:16It's cool.
01:09:17No.
01:09:18This is too dangerous.
01:09:19I need to speak to him right now.
01:09:21Doc, you just have to trust me on this one, okay?
01:09:24Now, Dave, I speak to him right now.
01:09:28Or I call the police.
01:09:34Okay.
01:09:35You win.
01:09:37Come on.
01:09:43I hope you realize
01:09:45I'm only doing this because I want to help you.
01:09:49I genuinely care about you, Dave.
01:09:50I know you do, Dr. Heller.
01:09:59And I like you.
01:10:05Actually, I like you a lot.
01:10:06I like you.
01:10:21I actually like you.
01:10:28I love you.
01:10:29I know this is going to sound crazy, but I can actually smell our fear.
01:10:59If I could see where the exits are, I'd run for him.
01:11:02I can't believe we let Dave talk us into this.
01:11:05By the way, where is Dave?
01:11:22Hey, Jackson, where are you going? Guys, you're about to turn.
01:11:23Uh, bathroom. Back in a sec.
01:11:25Oh, the men's room's packed, but there's an employee bathroom back there.
01:11:29Hey, Dave. Is that the bathroom?
01:11:47No, I think that's in there.
01:11:48Oh, okay. Thanks.
01:11:49We're up. Where the hell is Dave?
01:12:00Sorry.
01:12:01We thought you ditched us. Where were you?
01:12:03Need a little liquid courage.
01:12:04Come on, boys. Let's do it.
01:12:05Okay, ladies and gentlemen, please, Battle of the Bands is back.
01:12:10So please give a big welcome to Blue Odyssey.
01:12:13Hey, Warren. Get up, you little bastard.
01:12:38Stop it. Don't you touch him. Don't you touch him. Go home now.
01:12:42I know what you did to Ann.
01:12:44You better listen to your mommy, little boy. Go home.
01:12:46You're dead. I don't care what it takes. You're dead.
01:12:48Stop it. Go home. Go home. Go home.
01:12:50You've been running all over the town.
01:12:54Hitting women and children?
01:12:57You must be so proud.
01:12:58Lock that door.
01:13:08What were you thinking? You could have gotten hurt in there.
01:13:11You are responsible for this. Whatever happens is your fault.
01:13:14Oh, my God. Fire.
01:13:41What's... What's happening?
01:13:49Jackson, he's in the bathroom.
01:14:11Oh, there's an exit there.
01:14:12No, get out. Come on. We have to go now.
01:14:14Hey! Hey, open up!
01:14:32Hey! We're friends!
01:14:34Hey!
01:14:38Come on.
01:14:39Come on. Come on.
01:14:41Come on. Let's get you out of here.
01:14:43Let's go.
01:14:46Hey, since I'm saving your life and all,
01:14:48you want to think about maybe keeping us in your will?
01:14:51No.
01:14:52Eh, it's worth a shot.
01:14:58It's locked.
01:15:00Look out!
01:15:04Come on.
01:15:08No, I've got to make sure everyone gets out of here.
01:15:10Go. Go!
01:15:11Don't push, one at a time.
01:15:16Jackson!
01:15:18Jackson!
01:15:19Jackson!
01:15:20Hey, what are you doing? Get the hell out of here.
01:15:21Jackson, he's still in here. He's in the bathroom.
01:15:23I'll get him. Go. Just go.
01:15:24Mike.
01:15:25Get out. Go.
01:15:26Get out. Go.
01:15:27Jackson!
01:15:28Jackson!
01:15:29Jackson!
01:15:30Jackson!
01:15:31Jackson!
01:15:32Jackson!
01:15:33Jackson!
01:15:34Jackson!
01:15:35Jackson!
01:15:36Jackson!
01:15:37Jackson!
01:15:38Jackson!
01:15:39Jackson!
01:15:40Jackson!
01:15:41Jackson!
01:15:42Jackson!
01:15:43Jackson!
01:15:44Jackson!
01:15:45Jackson!
01:15:46Jackson!
01:15:47Jackson!
01:15:48Jackson!
01:15:49Jackson!
01:15:50Jackson!
01:15:51Jackson!
01:15:52Jackson!
01:15:53Jackson!
01:15:54Jackson!
01:15:55Jackson!
01:15:56Jackson!
01:15:57Jackson!
01:15:58Jackson!
01:15:59Jackson!
01:16:00Jackson, thank God.
01:16:18Where's Mike?
01:16:20I don't know.
01:16:20I didn't see him.
01:16:22Is he still in there?
01:16:24Yeah, he went in to find you.
01:16:25Mike?
01:16:26Mike's still in there?
01:16:28Dave, no!
01:16:30Mike!
01:16:35Mike!
01:16:42Mom.
01:16:42Dad.
01:16:43Werner, I told you to go home.
01:16:44What are you doing here?
01:16:45You son of a bitch.
01:16:47You did this.
01:16:48What are you talking about?
01:16:48Stay away from my kid.
01:16:49You're tampering down my club.
01:16:56Susan, do you think he's still in there?
01:17:00I didn't see him.
01:17:03Look, my husband's still inside.
01:17:05You've got to go back in there.
01:17:06I'm sorry.
01:17:07That roof is about to collapse.
01:17:08Now, please get back.
01:17:12Someone's coming.
01:17:13Hang in there.
01:17:26I'm not done with you yet.
01:17:32There was a fire last night in Fairview.
01:17:35If you open up your morning paper, you can read about those who survived, and those who
01:17:44were injured, those who barely escaped with their lives, and those who didn't.
01:17:53You can also read about a man who risked his life to rescue his neighbor.
01:18:04What you won't read about are the reasons for this bravery.
01:18:09You're the one who pulled that guy out of the fire.
01:18:11Can I interview you?
01:18:11And that's because no one ever doubts a hero.