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  • 6/19/2025
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Transcript
00:00:01Previously on Desperate Housewives, Nora looked for trouble and found it.
00:00:06You will never again see my husband.
00:00:08Julie got to know Edie's nephew.
00:00:10She couldn't take her eyes off my abs. I felt violated.
00:00:12Susan and Ian made plans.
00:00:14I'd love to go to France someday.
00:00:16Where do you like to go next month?
00:00:17Gabrielle and Carlos reunited.
00:00:19It's been a long time.
00:00:20And dinner with the Bixbys.
00:00:22That's the police report that Alma filed after Orson hit her.
00:00:25Was full of surprises.
00:00:26I'm going through something.
00:00:27I had an affair.
00:00:30It was supposed to be an ordinary day for Carolyn Bixby.
00:00:44She had planned to bake her husband a strudel.
00:00:47Give her dog a bath.
00:00:50And water her African violets.
00:00:53Yes, Carolyn had planned to do all sorts of things she thought mattered.
00:00:58But earlier that day, a woman who wasn't her friend told Carolyn something she wasn't supposed to hear.
00:01:08From that moment on, Carolyn felt nothing really mattered anymore.
00:01:18Hello, Carolyn.
00:01:20Yeah, hey, how are you?
00:01:21Carolyn, what are you doing here?
00:01:33I've been thinking, Harvey, that if you love this Monique woman so much, maybe you should be with her.
00:01:38For God's sake, Carolyn, she's dead.
00:01:41Yeah, I know.
00:01:41Yes, Carolyn Bixby had planned on it being an ordinary day.
00:01:53Come out of there, damn it!
00:01:57But as every housewife knows...
00:01:59Damn it, nobody goes anywhere.
00:02:04Plans change.
00:02:05Lynette Scavo had a dream last night.
00:02:18It was one she'd had many times before.
00:02:22She dreamt of the last time she saw me.
00:02:29And of the last time we spoke.
00:02:31It was still hard for Lynette to accept that this unremarkable exchange had been our last.
00:02:59or that moments later, I would enter my house
00:03:03and put a bullet through my brain.
00:03:19I had the Mary Alice dream again last night.
00:03:22Oh, hon, again?
00:03:23I haven't had it for months. I don't know why it came back.
00:03:25Well, somebody just bought her old house. Maybe that triggered something.
00:03:28It was awful, as always.
00:03:30I saw she was in pain and I just walked away.
00:03:33There was nothing you could do.
00:03:34And that's what I did. Nothing.
00:03:41Hey, is that the new neighbor?
00:03:45He's cute.
00:03:46He said he's a bachelor.
00:03:47Keep talking.
00:03:48Who lives with his invalid sister.
00:03:50You can stop now.
00:03:51Should we go and introduce ourselves?
00:03:55Yeah.
00:03:55Let's give him the scoop on the neighborhood.
00:03:58Do you think he knows Mary Alice shot herself in his living room?
00:04:02Then again, he probably wants some time to unpack.
00:04:05Orson, if you have a moment, there's something I'd like your thoughts on.
00:04:15Certainly.
00:04:16What is it?
00:04:17The menu for our holiday open house?
00:04:18No.
00:04:19It's a police report from the night you beat your first wife.
00:04:23I'm still working on the menu.
00:04:28I assure you, I did not beat my wife.
00:04:30She suffered these injuries in the fall.
00:04:32Well, how did she fall?
00:04:33I pushed her.
00:04:35It was self-defense.
00:04:36She attacked me.
00:04:37Why would she attack you?
00:04:39She spilled some red wine on a white tablecloth.
00:04:41She was trying to clean it up with dish soap.
00:04:43When I pointed out her mistake, she started screaming,
00:04:45shut up, shut up, and striking me repeatedly with a saute pan.
00:04:51Look.
00:04:52The police dropped the charges.
00:04:54Where did you get this?
00:04:57Carolyn.
00:04:58Well, of course.
00:04:59Who else?
00:05:00If she paid this much attention to her own marriage,
00:05:02maybe Harvey wouldn't have cheated on her.
00:05:05Harvey cheated?
00:05:06Yes.
00:05:06With some flight attendant named Monique.
00:05:11Darling.
00:05:12I could never strike a woman.
00:05:17You do believe me, don't you?
00:05:22All right.
00:05:23I accept your explanation.
00:05:25I just wish there were fewer things for you to explain.
00:05:32By the way, to remove a red wine stain, you sprinkle salt to absorb it.
00:05:37That's just what I was saying to Alma when she clocked me.
00:05:46Whoa.
00:05:47What fresh hell is this?
00:05:49Hey, Tom.
00:05:50Whoa.
00:05:51Whoa, whoa.
00:05:52You have stepped onto my property and you've talked to Tom.
00:05:54That's two rules you've broken, and I'm not sure that top doesn't make three.
00:05:58Would you tell your lunatic wife I'm not talking to her?
00:06:01You're the lunatic if you think I'm letting you anywhere near my husband.
00:06:03Just drop Kayla off and go.
00:06:05Kayla won't be visiting today.
00:06:07We're moving.
00:06:09And here's where you can send the child support.
00:06:16Mexico?
00:06:17An old friend of mine got me a sweet job dancing at a nightclub in Tijuana.
00:06:23Great.
00:06:24And you're taking Kayla.
00:06:25Thank your wife.
00:06:26She's been itching to get rid of us ever since we got here.
00:06:29She finally got her way.
00:06:32Wave bye-bye to your daddy, honey.
00:06:36Nora, can't we just talk about this?
00:06:40Oh, we're not allowed to talk.
00:06:42Remember?
00:06:44She's Tom's daughter.
00:06:45You can't just take her out of the country.
00:06:46Watch me.
00:06:56Does either party have anything to add before I rule on the division of assets and alimony?
00:07:00No, we're confident that your ruling will reflect the pain and suffering endured by my client.
00:07:06Your Honor, does the definition of suffering encompass the seduction of my client four days ago?
00:07:12Excuse me?
00:07:13She thought he was coming into some money and hoped to stall the divorce until she could claim her share.
00:07:18How dare you?
00:07:19That is a vicious lie.
00:07:21Oh, Carlos, get to me.
00:07:24Carlos!
00:07:25Yes!
00:07:26Yes!
00:07:26Carlos!
00:07:28You recorded our lovemaking?
00:07:30It's all right here, Your Honor.
00:07:31When she climaxes, she actually starts screaming up dollar amounts.
00:07:34Mrs. Solis, would you like to respond?
00:07:39As a matter of fact, I do have a few thoughts.
00:07:42Carlos, you're a dead man!
00:07:43Do you hear me?
00:07:44The ruling seems fair to me.
00:07:45You get the house, and you just get everything in it.
00:07:48I said dead!
00:07:50No alimony.
00:07:51It's a drag.
00:07:52But hey, you like to work, right?
00:07:54Come on, just give me one clean shot at him.
00:07:56I'm willing to do the time!
00:07:57Mom, I was packing your suitcase, and you're totally out of toothpaste.
00:08:04Do you want me to go to the store and get some?
00:08:07What is this?
00:08:08Oh, um, it was Austin's, okay?
00:08:10He's his nephew?
00:08:11Since when are you friends with him?
00:08:13Uh, we are not friends.
00:08:14I was tutoring him.
00:08:15He brought beer.
00:08:15I told him to throw it out, and he did.
00:08:17End of story.
00:08:18Did you have any?
00:08:19Oh, I cannot believe your timing.
00:08:23I'm about to fly off to Paris, and you're inviting boys over for Oktoberfest.
00:08:26Ugh, that's it.
00:08:27Go to your room and finish packing.
00:08:29This conversation's over.
00:08:30The last time I checked, I was the parent.
00:08:32Yeah, well, the last time I checked, I was the daughter who never gave you any reason
00:08:34to doubt her.
00:08:36Okay, I know I just...
00:08:37And don't play the parent card with me.
00:08:38I just finished packing your suitcase, doing your laundry, and balancing your checkbook.
00:08:42And now I'm going to the store to buy your toothpaste.
00:08:45Well, a simple no-I-didn't-drink-any-beer would have sufficed.
00:08:54Marie!
00:08:55Marie, you haven't returned any of my calls.
00:08:57I've been worried.
00:08:58Have you told the wife, Peter, you're leaving him yet?
00:09:00Sorry.
00:09:01No.
00:09:01Turns out he has an explanation for the police report.
00:09:04Oh, come on.
00:09:05There's never a good reason for hitting a woman.
00:09:07I used to think that, too.
00:09:08Then I met you.
00:09:09Good day.
00:09:11I'm trying to help you.
00:09:12You're living in a fool's paradise.
00:09:14Well, I guess that makes us neighbors.
00:09:16What's that supposed to mean?
00:09:17It means you should stop worrying about my marriage and start worrying about your own.
00:09:33Don't play coy with me.
00:09:35If you've got something to say, then just say it.
00:09:38Okay.
00:09:39Does the name Monique mean anything to you?
00:09:40Hey, I found this site that offers really cheap fares to Tijuana, but should I even be thinking
00:09:52of going to Tijuana?
00:09:54It's fine with me.
00:09:55As soon as you figure out a way to leave your genitals here.
00:09:57What are you saying, Lynette?
00:09:59I'm not allowed to visit my daughter?
00:10:01What?
00:10:01See?
00:10:02This is exactly what she wants.
00:10:05She takes Kayla, and I get blamed.
00:10:09Well, screw her.
00:10:10Let's sue for custody.
00:10:12Full custody?
00:10:13You'd go for that?
00:10:14You bet I would.
00:10:16Kayla will be much better off without crazy in her life.
00:10:19So will we.
00:10:20I am right there with you.
00:10:21I just, I never thought you'd want a fifth kid.
00:10:24I don't.
00:10:25But I didn't want the first four, and they're starting to grow on me.
00:10:32Hey, look who's plastic handcuffs got taken off.
00:10:42Okay, you're clearly still a little miffed about the settlement.
00:10:45But come on, be fair.
00:10:47I did buy most of the stuff in this house, honey.
00:11:00What the hell are you doing?
00:11:01Oh, I'm helping you pack.
00:11:03Think of all the money you're going to save on bubble wrap.
00:11:05Hey!
00:11:06Do you know how much that was worth?
00:11:09Ah!
00:11:10Do you know how much I was worth?
00:11:12When we met, I was on the cover of magazines.
00:11:15I had a career and a future, but I gave it all up for you.
00:11:18And what did I get in return?
00:11:20If you break one more thing, so help me.
00:11:23What?
00:11:23What are you going to do?
00:11:24What?
00:11:24What are you going to do?
00:11:26What?
00:11:39Carl, have you lost your mind?
00:11:41Well, you're helping me pack my stuff.
00:11:43I'm helping you remodel your house.
00:11:45You know, I don't know about you, but I always thought there should be a window that was
00:11:53right there.
00:12:00We can stop this right now, or we can keep on playing.
00:12:03Your call.
00:12:04Toothpaste, mouthwash.
00:12:18Did somebody get an anonymous email?
00:12:20Said the boy with the economy-sized acne cream.
00:12:22There you go again, checking out my basket.
00:12:23Go away.
00:12:24Do you know how much trouble your stupid beer can got me in?
00:12:26Let me make it up to you.
00:12:28I'll carry your stuff.
00:12:31Whatever.
00:12:34Let me make it up to you.
00:12:52Yeah?
00:12:53Harvey, it's me.
00:12:54Hey, hon.
00:12:55I'm in the middle of something here, so, um...
00:12:57I know about Monique.
00:13:01Um, excuse me a second.
00:13:04Look, I don't know who you've been talking to, but, um...
00:13:12Did you love her?
00:13:14She was just a friend, and she disappeared eight months ago.
00:13:17The police just found her body.
00:13:20Eight months ago?
00:13:21That's right, when you fell into that big depression.
00:13:24And I kept thinking, why is Harvey so blue?
00:13:26How do I cheer him up?
00:13:27That was about her, wasn't it?
00:13:29It's over.
00:13:29She's dead.
00:13:33But if she weren't, who would you be with, me or her?
00:13:40She's dead.
00:13:43That'll be $12.99.
00:13:45I'll take your Fields card.
00:13:46Couldn't keep your wallet in your pants.
00:13:58Mr. Bigsby!
00:14:02Look, um...
00:14:04I gotta go.
00:14:05I'll look as soon as I get back from the store.
00:14:27Bye, Mom!
00:14:28This is Edie.
00:14:36Yeah, I'm his aunt.
00:14:38He shoplifted what?
00:14:40Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:14:41Be right there.
00:14:48You're still packing?
00:14:49We're going to be late.
00:14:50No, we're fine.
00:14:51Besides, I can't leave until Julie gets back with my toothpaste.
00:14:54We don't need it.
00:14:54I packed a large tube and some dental floss.
00:14:57Really?
00:14:59Why are Americans so amazed when the English display the slightest acquaintance with dental
00:15:02hygiene?
00:15:04Okay.
00:15:05I'm going to need some help with this big baby.
00:15:09Go!
00:15:10Zip, zip, zip.
00:15:11Susan, do you really need all this?
00:15:13I mean, we're not immigrating.
00:15:14It's my first time to Paris.
00:15:15I want it to be magical.
00:15:16And that means accessories.
00:15:17So, back off.
00:15:19It's the fashion capital of the world.
00:15:21While I'm working, you can take my credit card and buy some new things.
00:15:23No, no.
00:15:25I'm not going to spend your remote.
00:15:26I have an expense account.
00:15:28Can you just tell me this now?
00:15:32I'll tell the driver you'll be a minute.
00:15:37Hello?
00:15:39Yes, this is your mother.
00:15:42What?
00:15:42Well, you're going to love the neighborhood.
00:15:50Are you all moved in?
00:15:52Pretty much.
00:15:52Just waiting on some medical equipment for my sister.
00:15:55Oh, yeah.
00:15:56I heard she isn't well.
00:15:57Can I ask what's wrong with her?
00:15:58Oh, of course.
00:15:59Unfortunately, she has this rare, degenerative...
00:16:02Ah, that's rough.
00:16:03Excuse me.
00:16:04You told me you weren't even friends with him.
00:16:09Now you're shoplifting together?
00:16:10Mom, you know I wouldn't steal.
00:16:12Yeah, I want to believe that.
00:16:13But suddenly, you're having boys over.
00:16:14You're drinking beer.
00:16:15Then soon she'll be listening to that rock and roll music
00:16:17everybody's talking about.
00:16:19Ah, so how are we going to handle this?
00:16:22Listen, I have somebody in the car who's late for a plane.
00:16:24Can you give me two minutes?
00:16:25Mom.
00:16:26I am so disappointed in you.
00:16:27Hello, Carolyn.
00:16:32Yeah, hey, how are you?
00:16:40Look, make him work it off.
00:16:42You get a free stock point for a month.
00:16:44A month?
00:16:45It's a $10 bottle of whiskey.
00:16:46Exactly.
00:16:47You weren't even smart enough to steal the good stuff.
00:16:48Harvey, don't walk away.
00:16:51Come on.
00:16:52Let's sort this out.
00:16:57Hey, Nora, how's tricks?
00:17:00I thought it was your car I saw on the lot.
00:17:02You're a conniving bitch.
00:17:03Ah, I see you've heard from our lawyer.
00:17:05So, it's not enough that you run me out of town.
00:17:08You gotta steal my damn kit.
00:17:10Carolyn, what are you doing here?
00:17:12I've been thinking, Harvey, that if you love this Monique woman so much...
00:17:15Even you have to admit, Hayley would be better off with us
00:17:18than in a dingy apartment over a Tijuana strip club?
00:17:21Believe me, Lynette, you do not want to screw with me.
00:17:25You went after my husband.
00:17:26If anyone should be afraid, it's you.
00:17:32Ah!
00:17:33Go.
00:17:34Go.
00:17:35Go.
00:17:42Harvey!
00:17:45Harvey!
00:17:46You come out of there, damn it!
00:17:50Damn it.
00:17:52Everybody down.
00:17:53Nobody goes anywhere.
00:17:56Don't move.
00:18:02Get out.
00:18:06You can't be serious.
00:18:08We have tickets.
00:18:09The plane leaves in two hours.
00:18:11I'm sorry.
00:18:11I know.
00:18:12Julie picked a lousy time to rebel.
00:18:14I just can't fly off and ignore it.
00:18:16You're overreacting.
00:18:17It's an adolescent prank and you're turning it into some great bloody crisis.
00:18:21You have a lot of meetings anyway.
00:18:22We'll go some other time.
00:18:24I can't leave Julie right now.
00:18:26We'll take her with us.
00:18:27Oh, that's responsible parenting.
00:18:29Stealing whiskey?
00:18:30That's it, young lady.
00:18:31I'm taking you to Paris.
00:18:32Ah, ah, but that's just some ruse.
00:18:34Once we get her on the plane, we make her fly.
00:18:35Coach, middle seat, no mercy.
00:18:38I'm sorry.
00:18:41It won't be Paris without you.
00:18:45Hey.
00:18:46What the hell's going on?
00:18:48It's Mrs. Bigsby.
00:18:49She has a gun.
00:18:51I said nobody move!
00:18:52She's at the back.
00:18:55I think we can make it.
00:19:00Hey!
00:19:01Ow!
00:19:02Attention shoppers, we're having a special today on not getting shot, but it's only available
00:19:15at the back of the store!
00:19:20Hey!
00:19:21How are you?
00:19:23Thanks for joining us.
00:19:24Do I know you?
00:19:25My son Jordan's in your Sunday school class.
00:19:27Oh, great little boy.
00:19:29So don't do anything that'll make him wake up tomorrow without a mommy.
00:19:32Um, for the rest of you, hi, I'm Carolyn.
00:19:39I'm sorry for putting a crimp in your day, but I'm pretty sure that my cheating husband
00:19:42is in here right now phoning the police, so I'm counting on all you folks to help me
00:19:45keep them outside till Harvey and I have a chance to talk things over.
00:19:50Harvey!
00:19:52Your inconvenience in your customers!
00:19:54Get out here!
00:19:55Yeah, she's got hostages.
00:19:57Oh, my God.
00:19:59Austin's there.
00:20:00Aunt Julie!
00:20:00Get your ass out there before someone gets hurt!
00:20:03My amor!
00:20:04She'll shoot me!
00:20:05She has got ten innocent people out there.
00:20:08Sometimes you've got to take one for the team.
00:20:16Hello?
00:20:17Hello, sweetie.
00:20:18It's mommy.
00:20:18I need to talk to daddy.
00:20:19Porter's hogging on the Legos.
00:20:21Tell him I said to share.
00:20:23Now put daddy on.
00:20:24I did tell him.
00:20:26He says he needs them all for his robot.
00:20:29Put daddy on and I'll buy you a real robot.
00:20:32You will?
00:20:33A big one with laser beam eyes.
00:20:35Now go get daddy.
00:20:37I'm getting a real robot.
00:20:39A real robot.
00:20:40I'm the stuff you're up.
00:20:47I'm having a real bad day here.
00:20:49Is a little cooperation too much to ask?
00:20:55Lynette?
00:20:56Lynette?
00:20:57Excuse me, what's going on?
00:21:11It's a crazy woman with a gun!
00:21:12It's in here!
00:21:21Go, go, go!
00:21:22Stay back!
00:21:22Carolyn, open up my daughter's inside!
00:21:26Sorry, store's closed.
00:21:27Yeah, but there's a crazy woman in there!
00:21:29Yeah, I know.
00:21:41Yeah, quick, turn on the TV.
00:21:43It's kind of on the fritz.
00:21:44Well, turn on your radio.
00:21:46If only you'd come ten minutes earlier.
00:21:48Some woman is shooting at Fields Market.
00:21:49She's got hostages.
00:21:50Oh my God!
00:21:51Yeah, we're all watching it over at Brie's house and...
00:21:59Uh, is everything okay here?
00:22:01Yeah, everything's fine.
00:22:02Have a little squabble.
00:22:08Give us a minute.
00:22:10Carlos!
00:22:11What do you think you're going with that?
00:22:13The information is very thin at this time.
00:22:16We do not see anybody in the front of the building at this hour, but we do have a...
00:22:18Coffee is almost ready,
00:22:19and if you'd prefer to watch the coverage on Channel 9, it's on in the den.
00:22:25Uh, Orson Greta needs a coaster.
00:22:30Brie, have you heard?
00:22:32Awful.
00:22:32It's just awful.
00:22:34Doubled egg?
00:22:35Oh, thank you.
00:22:36I told you she'd have food.
00:22:48I'm sure some of you might be thinking that this is all my fault.
00:22:55And that I'm the bad guy here, but I'm not.
00:22:57He is.
00:22:57Will you people stop calling me?
00:23:01I'm right in the middle of something.
00:23:04He humiliated me.
00:23:06First, he cheated on me with a stewardess named Monique.
00:23:09How cliche is that?
00:23:11And then he told people about it.
00:23:13Now there are news trucks out there.
00:23:15Judy Pope's husband has an affair.
00:23:17Nobody finds out.
00:23:18Mine cheats, and they break into programming.
00:23:19The whole town is laughing at me.
00:23:25You hear that, Harvey?
00:23:27I only told one person.
00:23:29Well, it was clearly the wrong one.
00:23:32I told you to stop calling me.
00:23:34Tish!
00:23:35I'm sorry.
00:23:36I thought it was somebody else.
00:23:37Oh, my God, was that today.
00:23:39I'm so sorry.
00:23:41I know, Tish.
00:23:42Yeah, I know.
00:23:43I know I volunteered for the winter.
00:23:44How can you look so calm?
00:23:46Aren't you scared?
00:23:48No.
00:23:48I don't, because I'm not going to die today.
00:23:52And neither are you.
00:23:58Tish, I really don't think that I can.
00:24:01I'm telling you, um...
00:24:04Oh, Tish, for God's sakes, turn on your damn TV.
00:24:13Excuse me, my name is Susan Meyer.
00:24:15Ma'am, this is a restricted area.
00:24:16I would like to trade places with one of the people inside.
00:24:19Don't you do that?
00:24:20Oh, you mean our hostage exchange program.
00:24:23Okay, you don't have to be nasty.
00:24:24My daughter is inside there.
00:24:25Ma'am, we're doing everything we can to get her out safely.
00:24:28Can I please step back?
00:24:29I want the perimeter locked down.
00:24:42Nobody goes in, nobody goes out.
00:24:43And see if you can get me an open phone line with the manager's office.
00:24:46I can't sit, I can't sit.
00:24:59Carolyn Beasley.
00:25:01Where's that coming from?
00:25:03This is Susan Meyer.
00:25:04Again.
00:25:05First of all, I'm sorry for the crazy lady remark.
00:25:09Second, I have a proposition for you.
00:25:12Find her now.
00:25:13Let Julie go and take me instead.
00:25:17Repeat.
00:25:18Take me.
00:25:20I will be a model hostage.
00:25:22If we have a deal, signal by sending Julie to the...
00:25:26No, excuse me.
00:25:27Carolyn, Carolyn, call myself.
00:25:29It's 572.
00:25:30Now, we don't know where anyone is inside the building right now,
00:25:40but we are standing by, waiting for information.
00:25:42I'm hoping to talk to the chief of police in just a couple of minutes.
00:25:44Get a few more details as they become available.
00:25:46Can I please get the phone?
00:25:51Police have just released the name of the hostage taker.
00:25:54It's Carolyn Bixby, wife of store owner Harvey Bixby.
00:25:57Harvey has informed police that he has barricaded inside the store...
00:26:01Oh, Godfrey, don't you know her?
00:26:03Uh, yes.
00:26:05I just ran into her this morning.
00:26:10Uh, Mom?
00:26:13That was Edie Brude on the phone.
00:26:16She's inside the market.
00:26:18Is she all right?
00:26:19Yeah.
00:26:20She's locked inside the manager's office,
00:26:22but she said that Julie Meyer and Mrs. Scavo are with the hostages.
00:26:27Mary, would you mind watching the kids?
00:26:29I've got a doctor's appointment, and Lynette is taking her sweet time at the market.
00:26:46I'm sorry, are you guys having a party?
00:26:47We continue to report live on the scene
00:26:54as the hostage standoff at the Fields Market enters its third hour.
00:26:58According to a police spokesman,
00:27:00there has been no further contact from the hostage taker.
00:27:03We continue to wait for the latest information.
00:27:05No new news at this point.
00:27:06We will bring you the latest as soon as it becomes available.
00:27:09All right?
00:27:17I'm fine.
00:27:18I'm just, um, running out of food,
00:27:19and that's not as if I can go to the grocery store.
00:27:22Bride.
00:27:23Thank God I found this stale baguette
00:27:24so I can make bruschetta,
00:27:25and there's shrimp in the freezer,
00:27:26so I'm gonna make my rice and seafood dish.
00:27:29Bride, this is not your fault.
00:27:31I had to tell her.
00:27:32She hurt me, so I hurt her back.
00:27:36If anything should happen to Julie or Lynette...
00:27:41Is there anything I can do?
00:27:45You can peel a clove of garlic.
00:27:48Okay.
00:27:49I wanted kids.
00:28:10I wanted kids so badly,
00:28:12but Harvey had two from his first wife.
00:28:15Huh.
00:28:16He said it made her fat.
00:28:19Harvey likes them lean.
00:28:22I run four miles a day.
00:28:24It's my first cookie in six years.
00:28:26You hear that, Harvey?
00:28:28Breaking my diet!
00:28:30She's starting to lose it up there.
00:28:32What do I do?
00:28:33Just keep her calm.
00:28:34Tell you sorry.
00:28:36And see if you can get her to release the kids and old people.
00:28:39Okay, I'll try.
00:28:45Carolyn.
00:28:46Hi.
00:28:47It's me.
00:28:48I'm really sorry.
00:28:51What I did was wrong.
00:28:54But I still love you a lot.
00:28:56Oh, crap.
00:28:58I had my hair done this morning.
00:28:59Did you notice?
00:29:00Huh?
00:29:00Even notice?
00:29:01Well, I was distracted.
00:29:03You were shooting at me.
00:29:05Tell her to let the kids go.
00:29:07What the hell was that?
00:29:10You got a woman in there?
00:29:12She's a customer.
00:29:14Don't lie to me, Harvey.
00:29:16She's another one of your whores.
00:29:18Oh, fantastic.
00:29:20Carolyn, I swear.
00:29:22Shut up.
00:29:23I hope you're having a good time in there, whore.
00:29:25Because I got a bullet for you, too.
00:29:37God, what a nightmare.
00:29:39You know what the weird part is?
00:29:42What?
00:29:43I keep thinking about that crazy lady in the market, and I understand her.
00:29:51I could be her.
00:29:54Come on.
00:29:55No, I mean it.
00:30:00The rage that I have felt in this past six months.
00:30:04If I had had a gun in the courthouse today.
00:30:06You could never shoot me.
00:30:09I don't know what I'm capable of anymore.
00:30:12Mr. Forrest has turned me into this bitter, hateful person, and I don't like her.
00:30:18Hey, baby.
00:30:20For what it's worth, I don't like what it's turned you into, either.
00:30:25Well, then let's stop being those people.
00:30:33Okay.
00:30:35Okay.
00:30:42Hey, just so you know, I heard the woman in there teach a Sunday school.
00:30:50Oh.
00:30:52A Sunday school teacher would never hurt a kid.
00:30:54No way.
00:30:59I'm sure Lynette's going to be fine, too.
00:31:02Well, I'm not worried about Lynette.
00:31:03Hell, with Lynette in there, they don't even need that negotiator.
00:31:07You put Lynette in a room with a woman who wants to shoot her husband, she'll have them renewing their vows.
00:31:12Right.
00:31:13Lynette is very persuasive.
00:31:14I'll give it an hour, Tom's.
00:31:21And we'll all be back home eating our hamburgers.
00:31:25She was going to go to the store tomorrow, but we were out of hamburger.
00:31:30I wanted hamburgers.
00:31:43I hope all this is giving you a little perspective on our situation.
00:31:47Shh, she told us not to talk.
00:31:52You're thinking about your kids, right?
00:31:54How awful it'd be to never see them again.
00:31:56Well, that's what you're asking me to feel, but for the rest of my life.
00:31:59Nora, please.
00:32:00Hey, what'd I say?
00:32:03I'm sorry.
00:32:04I'm sorry.
00:32:05We'll be quiet.
00:32:06You and your friend are really starting to bug me.
00:32:08She's not my friend.
00:32:11She's trying to steal my kid.
00:32:13Nora, shut up!
00:32:15Is that true?
00:32:15No.
00:32:17I, we're, we had, we're sharing custody.
00:32:19She tried to seduce my husband, so...
00:32:22She put the moves on your husband?
00:32:24Why didn't you say so?
00:32:29That was a shot.
00:32:35We just heard a shot fired inside the building.
00:32:38A shot has been fired.
00:32:50I believe the phrase you're looking for is, thank you.
00:32:56We just had a shot.
00:32:58We heard a shot fired inside the market.
00:33:01You can see, police are responding, taking this very seriously.
00:33:04We are going to just continue to stand and watch and wait and see what happens.
00:33:13I was on television at the airport.
00:33:15I came as soon as I could.
00:33:16The last thing I said to her was that she disappointed me.
00:33:21Police have just confirmed that a hostage has been shot.
00:33:24Repeat.
00:33:25A hostage has been shot.
00:33:27There's no word on the name of the victim at this time, but it is believed to be female.
00:33:31Mrs. Hodge?
00:33:32The move here and the market, which has been very uneasy all morning...
00:33:35When's mommy going to be back from the store?
00:33:42I'm sure she'll be back soon.
00:33:43Why don't we go have some cookies?
00:33:45Mommy said we can't have cookies before dinner.
00:33:48No.
00:33:48Well, uh...
00:33:49I'm sure she won't mind.
00:33:51Come on.
00:33:52Let's go.
00:33:53Come on.
00:33:55Okay, I gotta get the pressure.
00:33:56I'm going to stop the bleeding.
00:33:57Good news is you need that lawyer now.
00:34:03You are going to get through this just fine.
00:34:06There is a parking lot full of ambulances out there.
00:34:08You gotta let us take her out of here.
00:34:10No one's leaving.
00:34:11Listen to me.
00:34:14Listen to me.
00:34:17I'm out, Caleb.
00:34:18Oh, forget it.
00:34:19Forget it.
00:34:19We'll work that out later.
00:34:20I don't have later, you stupid bitch.
00:34:24Okay?
00:34:25Listen.
00:34:25Okay, I'm listening.
00:34:28Caleb is the only good thing that I've ever done in my whole life.
00:34:37I need you to really take, really, really care of her.
00:34:43Okay.
00:34:46I don't have all day.
00:34:47Come on.
00:34:48Yeah, yes, I will.
00:34:49I will.
00:34:50I will.
00:34:50I will love her like she is my own.
00:34:52I will.
00:34:53Nora.
00:34:54Nora.
00:34:55Don't look at me that way.
00:35:07You know you wanted her dead.
00:35:11How can you say that?
00:35:12Well, you told me about her and your husband after I made it pretty clear where I stand on
00:35:16whores.
00:35:17I did not want this.
00:35:19Don't you dare say that I wanted this.
00:35:21Shut up!
00:35:22No, I will not shut up!
00:35:24What's the matter with you?
00:35:25Have you not been paying attention?
00:35:26My husband cheated on me.
00:35:28Who cares?
00:35:29Who cares?
00:35:30We all have pain.
00:35:31Everyone in here has pain, but we deal with it.
00:35:33We swallow it and get going with our lives.
00:35:35What we don't do is go around shooting strangers.
00:35:38She deserved it.
00:35:39Well, maybe you deserve to be cheated on!
00:35:51I'm sorry.
00:35:52I shouldn't have said that.
00:35:55Yeah, you shouldn't have.
00:35:56I don't have to be cheated on me.
00:35:58I don't have to be cheated on me.
00:35:59I don't have to be cheated on me.
00:36:00I don't have to be cheated on me.
00:36:01I don't have to be cheated on me.
00:36:02I don't have to be cheated on me.
00:36:03I don't have to be cheated on me.
00:36:04I don't have to be cheated on me.
00:36:05I don't have to be cheated on me.
00:36:06I don't have to be cheated on me.
00:36:07I don't have to be cheated on me.
00:36:08I don't have to be cheated on me.
00:36:09I don't have to be cheated on me.
00:36:10I don't have to be cheated on me.
00:36:11I don't have to be cheated on me.
00:36:12I don't have to be cheated on me.
00:36:13I don't have to be cheated on me.
00:36:14I don't have to be cheated on me.
00:36:15Come on, come on!
00:36:45Come on, come on!
00:37:15Come on, come on!
00:37:45Come on, come on!
00:37:52Lynette Scavo had a dream that night.
00:37:56It was one she'd had many times before.
00:37:59Hey, Mary Alice, are you okay?
00:38:11Yes, thank you.
00:38:13I'm fine.
00:38:15Okay, I'll see you later.
00:38:17But this night, something changed.
00:38:21No, you're not.
00:38:33I can tell.
00:38:34Please, tell me what's wrong.
00:38:41Let me save you.
00:38:44You can't.
00:38:46Why not?
00:38:48Sweetie, we can't prevent what we can't predict.
00:38:52Isn't there anything I can do?
00:38:55Yes.
00:38:57Yes.
00:38:58You can enjoy this beautiful day.
00:39:02We get so few of them.
00:39:03This was the last time Lynette would ever dream of me.
00:39:27And for her sake, I am grateful.
00:39:31Previously on Desperate Housewives, the new neighbor...
00:39:38Oh, he's cute.
00:39:39He's a bachelor.
00:39:40...became a hero.
00:39:42In a crisis that brought Julie and Austin together.
00:39:45While Carlos and Gabby broke apart...
00:39:48I had a career and a future, but I gave it all up for you.
00:39:51And what did I get in return?
00:39:52Hey!
00:39:53The police assembled their pieces of evidence.
00:39:56Your phone number was written on her hand.
00:39:58I can't help you.
00:39:59No memory, huh?
00:40:00It's convenient.
00:40:06Karen McCluskey had always believed in helping others.
00:40:10Whether they wanted her help or not.
00:40:14What's all this?
00:40:15You know how you never got around to painting your garage door?
00:40:18Well, it's done.
00:40:20Hope you like blue.
00:40:23Baxter, you found him.
00:40:26Yeah, and I got him neutered, too.
00:40:28I figured you wouldn't want any more strays around here.
00:40:32Karen!
00:40:33Hi, Alberta.
00:40:34I took these down for you since, you know, Christmas was six months ago.
00:40:39Yes, Mrs. McCluskey's helping hand was known throughout Mysteria Lane.
00:40:44But on this day, it was about to get slapped.
00:40:47What the hell are you doing?
00:40:49Jeez, Edie, you scared me.
00:40:51What are you doing here?
00:40:52Getting Mike's house ready.
00:40:53He comes back from the hospital tomorrow.
00:40:55Since when do you have a key to his garage?
00:40:57He gave me one, in case of an emergency.
00:41:00Don't lie to me, Prune.
00:41:02Fine, I found it under his mat.
00:41:03Look, I'm not doing anything wrong.
00:41:05I just come over once a week and start his mower so the engine doesn't get rusty.
00:41:09And do you mow your lawn with it, too?
00:41:11What's the big deal?
00:41:11I'm doing him a favor.
00:41:13Well, he doesn't need any favors from you.
00:41:14I'm going to go through Mike's house room by room, and if I find as much as one paperclip missing, I'm calling the cops.
00:41:21Funny you should talk about stuff that's missing.
00:41:23I found those pictures of Mike and Susan you threw out.
00:41:27Pictures?
00:41:27Oh, don't act for me.
00:41:29I know that Mike's been having troubles with his memory.
00:41:32My guess?
00:41:33You don't want him to remember how crazy he was about his old girlfriend.
00:41:36I don't need to resort to deception to land a man.
00:41:41Oh, Edie, I saved the pictures.
00:41:44And I can show them to Mike anytime I like.
00:41:50Yes, Karen McCluskey believed in helping others.
00:41:54Where are you going with this?
00:41:56Which she felt gave her the ride.
00:42:01To help herself.
00:42:06To help herself.
00:42:36So remember to be polite.
00:42:43Each year as part of their fundraising drive, the Fairview Adventure Scouts would award a shiny new bike to whoever sold the most magazine subscriptions.
00:42:54And each scout would set out utterly convinced the prize would be hers.
00:43:00That's the beauty of youth.
00:43:02Little girls believe anything is possible.
00:43:05That is, until they grow up and get divorced.
00:43:10Hi.
00:43:11What if I told you there is a way you can help children while also reading your favorite magazines at a reduced price?
00:43:17Would you like to hear more?
00:43:19Sure.
00:43:19Knock yourself out.
00:43:21Wise choice.
00:43:22For the lady of the house, we offer red book, glamour, vogue you.
00:43:27I think you mean vogue, sweetie.
00:43:29You sure?
00:43:30I should know.
00:43:30I was on the cover.
00:43:33No way.
00:43:35Uh, way.
00:43:36Oh, see that coat I'm wearing in this shot?
00:43:41That's genuine ocelot fur.
00:43:43Although the photographer was the real animal, if you know what I'm saying.
00:43:50Which I hope you don't.
00:43:53And don't ever do drugs, okay?
00:43:55Being a model must be so amazing.
00:43:58Why did you stop?
00:43:59Well, I fell in love.
00:44:02Got married and moved to the suburbs for the whole fairytale happy ending thing.
00:44:08That was a crock.
00:44:10So, you going back to modeling?
00:44:12No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:44:14Why not?
00:44:16What else are you going to do?
00:44:21You're going back to modeling?
00:44:22This is so sudden.
00:44:23Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves.
00:44:25I'm just going to fly to New York, meet with my old agent, and take it from there.
00:44:30Come on, you guys.
00:44:31This is exciting.
00:44:33Be happy for me.
00:44:34Oh, we are.
00:44:35We're just going to miss you.
00:44:36That's all.
00:44:37Well, now that my divorce is final, I need a reason to wake up in the morning.
00:44:40I have this hole in my life that can't be filled by shopping.
00:44:45That's right.
00:44:46I said it.
00:44:50Oh, my gosh.
00:44:50Lynette.
00:44:51Oh.
00:44:53Look at the kids.
00:44:56They're dying to see you.
00:44:57Hey.
00:44:59Hey.
00:45:00Oh, my gosh.
00:45:01You didn't have to do this.
00:45:03Hi.
00:45:05You look great.
00:45:06Well, apparently taking a 38 slug to the shoulder agrees with you.
00:45:10Yeah.
00:45:11Um, listen, about that, the kids don't know what happened.
00:45:14They don't?
00:45:14I thought they were a little young to deal with their mother getting shot.
00:45:17All I told them is Kayla is staying with her grandmother, and I made up a story about how
00:45:21I got hurt.
00:45:22Hey, Mom!
00:45:22Oh, here they are.
00:45:23Oh, my gosh.
00:45:24Hey.
00:45:25Hello, little beside.
00:45:26Hi.
00:45:26Mwah.
00:45:27Hello.
00:45:28Mwah.
00:45:28You look like you got in the fire with a hobo.
00:45:32Yeah.
00:45:34Well, let's see how well you do on a morphine trip.
00:45:36Mommy, come inside.
00:45:37We helped Mrs. McCluskey make your favorite lunch.
00:45:39Fantastic.
00:45:40Lead the way.
00:45:40I'm coming in.
00:45:41Come on.
00:45:41Hurry up.
00:45:42I'm hungry.
00:45:42Let's go.
00:45:42Let's go.
00:45:43There she is.
00:45:44There she is.
00:45:45There she is.
00:45:46There she is.
00:45:46There she is.
00:45:47There she is.
00:45:48There she is.
00:45:49Hey, why don't you go inside and get the party started, and I've got to, okay?
00:45:53Gotcha.
00:45:54How are you, buddy?
00:45:54I'll be right there.
00:45:55Hey.
00:46:01Hey, Lynette.
00:46:03Yeah.
00:46:03You're home.
00:46:04Yeah.
00:46:05How are you doing?
00:46:06I'm good.
00:46:07I just...
00:46:10How do I thank the man who saved my life?
00:46:16You don't have to say anything.
00:46:21I'm going to make you a cake.
00:46:24A cake?
00:46:25Yeah.
00:46:26I never make cakes.
00:46:27This is huge.
00:46:28In that case, thanks.
00:46:37Yeah, I'm going to make you a cake.
00:46:44Christmas carols.
00:46:45It's not even Thanksgiving.
00:46:46I'm starting my cards early this year.
00:46:48It puts me in the mood to spread holiday cheer.
00:46:51The pack of lies in this family newsletter.
00:46:53She spreads holiday denial.
00:46:54Andrew, it's etiquette.
00:46:55Nobody wants to read the truth at Christmas.
00:46:57Well said, darling.
00:46:58Honey, would you put on another CD?
00:47:00Something with sleigh bells.
00:47:02Oh, by the way, Orson, I need your mother's address at the nursing home.
00:47:06Oh, well, I appreciate the thought, darling, but you need to send her a card.
00:47:11Don't be silly.
00:47:12I'm sending one to the man who reads our gas meter.
00:47:14I can certainly send one to your mother.
00:47:15She's completely senile.
00:47:16She'll only try to dunk it in her coffee.
00:47:18Well, all the more reason to send her one.
00:47:20Let the nurses know that she has family at home who loves her and who could drop by at
00:47:24any minute and slap them with a lawsuit.
00:47:26Brie, I hear what you're saying.
00:47:29Orson, it's a big deal.
00:47:30It's just an address.
00:47:33Fine.
00:47:34I'll get my book.
00:47:35The home is somewhere over in Lakeview.
00:47:38Lakeview?
00:47:39Oh, you gave me the impression that she was back east.
00:47:41Well, that's because, frankly, I wanted to avoid this conversation.
00:47:44But if she's only 30 minutes away, why haven't you been visiting her?
00:47:48Okay.
00:47:49The truth is, it breaks my heart to see her now.
00:47:52I want to remember her as she was.
00:47:54But Orson...
00:47:55Brie, I refuse to sit in a room that smells of disinfectant and lime jello,
00:47:59making small talk with a woman who doesn't remember me.
00:48:02Now let it go, damn it!
00:48:09But, by all means, do send a card.
00:48:14The elves will tickle her.
00:48:17Well, shall we?
00:48:24Wait.
00:48:25Julie's going to know we came home early from the restaurant to check up on her.
00:48:28I don't want her to think I'm overprotective and clingy.
00:48:30The girl was held hostage.
00:48:31It's only natural you're going to be a little bit clingy.
00:48:33Yeah, it's been a week.
00:48:34I'm getting on her nerves.
00:48:36How about this?
00:48:37We came home early because we hated the restaurant.
00:48:39The service was dreadful and the lobster was inedible.
00:48:42Okay.
00:48:47Wait, if we hated the restaurant, then why are we bringing home food?
00:48:51Good point.
00:48:52Wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:48:53Are you kidding?
00:48:54That's lobster.
00:48:56Okay, I thought the restaurant was fantastic.
00:48:59And you were the fussy snob who was impossible to please.
00:49:03Why do I have to be the fussy snob?
00:49:05Because you're British.
00:49:06Fine.
00:49:08But I trust you'll make it up to me later by doing the things a gentleman expects when he's sprung for lobster.
00:49:13Oh.
00:49:26I'm not getting any tonight, am I?
00:49:32You're supposed to be having dinner.
00:49:33It's my fault.
00:49:34I found the restaurant to be absolutely...
00:49:36Oh, let it go.
00:49:36We came home because I was worried about you.
00:49:38And with good reason.
00:49:40You put on your shirt and get out.
00:49:42Well, I didn't bring a shirt.
00:49:45See, I was out running and...
00:49:46Who cares?
00:49:47Go.
00:49:50How could you treat him like that?
00:49:51If Austin hadn't been in that supermarket, I might not be here.
00:49:54Yes, and I am grateful.
00:49:55But I found a way to say thank you without taking my top off.
00:49:57A couple of buttons came undone.
00:49:59It's not like my boobs were out.
00:50:00Okay.
00:50:01Well, it's getting late and I really...
00:50:03No, Ian.
00:50:04Am I overreacting here?
00:50:05Well, I can understand in the heels of a crisis, two people might bond and find themselves...
00:50:10You're a very naughty girl.
00:50:13Julie, that boy drinks, he steals, and now I find him mauling you on my couch?
00:50:17That's it.
00:50:17I forbid you to see him.
00:50:18You can't do that.
00:50:19I choose who I date.
00:50:20Yeah?
00:50:21Well, I choose to ground you.
00:50:22Two weeks, baby.
00:50:23Fine.
00:50:24I'll just see him at school.
00:50:24Well, then you won't go to school.
00:50:26I'll homeschool you.
00:50:26Right.
00:50:27You're going to teach me trade?
00:50:27You can't even balance your own checkbook.
00:50:29Yes, and you will be poorly educated, and you won't get into college, and you will work
00:50:32for minimum wage for the rest of your life all because of that boy.
00:50:35I hope you're happy.
00:50:37Mom, I like this guy, and I'm sorry if it makes you unhappy, but I'm going to keep seeing
00:50:42him.
00:50:52Ta-da!
00:50:54Doesn't the place look great?
00:50:56I came in and straightened up.
00:50:58I wanted everything to look nice for you.
00:51:03Are you okay?
00:51:06Yeah.
00:51:07Yeah, it's just that I'm home, but it doesn't really feel good.
00:51:12Like, huh?
00:51:13It will.
00:51:14Give it time.
00:51:16The important thing is that you're back from the hospital, and every day you're getting
00:51:20better.
00:51:21Hey, the worst is behind you.
00:51:29I need the delfamino search warrant.
00:51:31We're not going to get it without probable cause.
00:51:33The guy's phone number was written on a dead girl's hand.
00:51:35The judge is going to need more.
00:51:37I thought you might say that.
00:51:38Here's Monique Paulyer's lab work.
00:51:40The inverts of Petroska match paint fragments in the head wound to the Proximo line of pipe
00:51:46wrenches.
00:51:46They're high-end, only used by professional plumbers.
00:51:50And guess what our boy delfino does for a living?
00:51:54I'll see what I can do.
00:51:55What do you mean you can't shoot her?
00:52:00Francesco, if you can airbrush her acne, you can airbrush the track marks.
00:52:04Now, don't call me again unless she ODs.
00:52:07Gabrielle, ma petite fille.
00:52:08Oh, see it.
00:52:11You look amazing.
00:52:13Younger than ever.
00:52:14It's my new dermal filler.
00:52:15It's banned here, so my assistant smuggles it in from Brazil.
00:52:18Isn't it fun?
00:52:19I have my own drug mule.
00:52:21That's great.
00:52:23Well, I have some fun news of my own.
00:52:25I'm ready to model again.
00:52:27Really?
00:52:28Oh.
00:52:28The last time we spoke, you couldn't wait to quit.
00:52:31You were giving it all up for love.
00:52:33What happened to Prince Charming?
00:52:34Divorce.
00:52:37Oh, single again.
00:52:39Isn't that ironic, since I'm the one you called?
00:52:41Oh, how did you put it?
00:52:44A career-obsessed lesbo who would die alone and be eaten by her cats.
00:52:49Did I see that?
00:52:50Water under the bridge.
00:52:52I thought it was funny.
00:52:54It's even funnier now.
00:52:56Look, Marcella, I'm back.
00:52:58And we made such a great team before, and I think we can be again.
00:53:02I don't know, darling.
00:53:03Things are different now.
00:53:03You're not going to be able to jump right back in where you left off.
00:53:07Well, I just want to work.
00:53:08Boy, I'm still not sure.
00:53:11You know what might help?
00:53:13If you groveled.
00:53:16Are you serious?
00:53:19Well, I can't tell because your face doesn't move anymore.
00:53:22No, I'm joking.
00:53:23Welcome back, darling.
00:53:31Hi.
00:53:31Hi.
00:53:33Hi.
00:53:33Well, hello there.
00:53:43How pretty you look today.
00:53:45It's wonderful that you're up and about.
00:53:48You must be enjoying these colorful balloons.
00:53:50Why are you talking to me like I'm a moron?
00:53:57Oh, oh, I'm so sorry.
00:54:01The nurse pointed me over here.
00:54:02I'm looking for Gloria Hodge.
00:54:04I'm Gloria Hodge.
00:54:06Who might you be?
00:54:07Well, I must say I'm surprised at how lucid you are.
00:54:14Orson led me to believe that I was in the final stages of dementia.
00:54:17Now, I'm afraid that's just wishful thinking on his part.
00:54:21How can he feel that way?
00:54:22You're his mother.
00:54:23I wouldn't judge him too harshly.
00:54:24Ours is a complicated relationship.
00:54:28There is love, to be sure.
00:54:30But we have a way of disappointing each other.
00:54:34Well, how does he disappoint you?
00:54:37He's cold, rigid, and utterly incapable of letting go of the past.
00:54:44And how do you disappoint him?
00:54:47I refuse to die.
00:54:51Yes, I see.
00:54:51Well, surely this rift isn't irreparable.
00:54:56Do you know how people in nursing homes spend their days free?
00:55:00They think about the past.
00:55:03And all the things they'd do differently if they had the chance.
00:55:07Please tell Orson that I'm sorry.
00:55:10And in spite of everything, I still love him.
00:55:14Well, I have a better idea.
00:55:16Why don't you tell him yourself?
00:55:25That'd be great.
00:55:26I really appreciate it.
00:55:28Okay, thank you.
00:55:30So, what did Ed say when you have to go back to work?
00:55:32He said, take as much time as I want with pay.
00:55:35Wow, you should get gunned down more often.
00:55:39Hey, there they are.
00:55:41Hey, guys.
00:55:42Hello.
00:55:42How was school?
00:55:43No.
00:55:45Mommy, were you shot?
00:55:48Shot?
00:55:48Where did you hear that?
00:55:50Jordan Blackwell.
00:55:51Oh, that's the same little creeper trying to ruin Santa Claus.
00:55:55And he said that the same crazy lady that shot you killed Aunt Nora dead.
00:55:59It was on the news and everything.
00:56:01Listen, kids.
00:56:02I am sorry.
00:56:03We shouldn't have lied.
00:56:05But sometimes parents want to protect kids from scary things.
00:56:08And the good news is, Mommy's fine now.
00:56:11And we'll all see Auntie Nora again in heaven.
00:56:16Or wherever.
00:56:18Did they let you keep the bullets?
00:56:19No, no, I'm afraid not.
00:56:21We had blows.
00:56:22We wanted to bring them for show and tell.
00:56:30Hi, sweetheart.
00:56:30Are you okay?
00:56:32What if the crazy lady comes back?
00:56:33She won't.
00:56:38How do you know?
00:56:40Well, because she's up in heaven with Auntie Nora.
00:56:46Or wherever.
00:56:46Billy Meyers!
00:56:58You get back here!
00:56:59You're grounded, remember?
00:57:07Yfrit!
00:57:08I want to talk to you.
00:57:10Oh.
00:57:10I just survived a hostage situation.
00:57:13Haven't I suffered enough for one week?
00:57:15You keep your nephew away from my daughter or else.
00:57:18Look, I don't like it either.
00:57:19But the harder we try to keep them apart,
00:57:21the more they're going to fight to be together.
00:57:23Just let it run its course.
00:57:26Are you crazy?
00:57:27If we don't do something,
00:57:28those two could end up having sex.
00:57:30Could?
00:57:32Oh, my God.
00:57:34You don't...
00:57:34Let me put it this way.
00:57:36I got a box of condoms in my dresser.
00:57:38Eleven are gone.
00:57:39I can only account for eight of them.
00:57:42How can you be so calm about this?
00:57:45Edie?
00:57:46Yeah.
00:57:46Can you help me with this tie?
00:57:52Oh.
00:57:53Hey.
00:57:54Mike!
00:57:55You're out of the hospital.
00:57:57Yeah.
00:57:58He's home.
00:57:59In fact, we're going to go out and celebrate tonight.
00:58:02I'll be with you in one sec, okay, babe?
00:58:04Since you asked, I'm calm because I know if two people are meant to be together,
00:58:14there's nothing anyone can do about it.
00:58:15Okay, I should be back at around six.
00:58:24They can have one snack.
00:58:25Try and push apples, but if they threaten violence, I have an emergency candy bar under the sink.
00:58:30Not anymore, you don't.
00:58:31Oh, jeez.
00:58:34Mommy, when are you going?
00:58:36To the market.
00:58:37No!
00:58:38Hey, sweetie, it's a different market.
00:58:41They're going to get shot again.
00:58:42No, I won't.
00:58:43Lots of mommies go to the store every day and they're fine.
00:58:46It's really not a scary place.
00:58:47You went to the store and you got shot.
00:58:49And Auntie Nora died.
00:58:50I'm only going to be in there ten minutes.
00:58:57I promise.
00:58:58Can't she go?
00:59:02Fine, Uncle.
00:59:04Thanks.
00:59:06Don't give a hoot if I get shot, do you, kid?
00:59:18Oh.
00:59:20You must be Tanya.
00:59:26I'm Gabrielle.
00:59:27We're going to be co-models today.
00:59:30Now, I don't know if you've ever done one of these big shoots before, but don't be nervous.
00:59:35Durkin and I are old friends.
00:59:37He's a sweetheart.
00:59:38Now, just remember, he's the king.
00:59:40Do exactly what he says and you'll be fine.
00:59:45I've been modeling for two years.
00:59:47I've done six magazine covers and I'm sleeping with Durkin.
00:59:50Well, I guess you're all set then.
00:59:55We've got some wardrobe choices.
00:59:59Hey.
01:00:00Oh.
01:00:01Wow.
01:00:02Oh.
01:00:03I want to be buried in this dress.
01:00:06This is for Tanya.
01:00:08The mom's stuff is at the end.
01:00:11Mom?
01:00:12Okay, love.
01:00:15Let's get the blood pumping.
01:00:17The concept is lock up your daughters.
01:00:19Okay?
01:00:20Get to work, everybody.
01:00:21Tanya, you should hover down here on the lawn looking absolutely delicious.
01:00:26Thank you very much.
01:00:27And up here on the porch, mom and dad looking all scandalized.
01:00:31Excuse me, Durkin.
01:00:31Yes, love.
01:00:33It's Gabby.
01:00:37Gabrielle Marquez, you shot me in Milan, remember?
01:00:40Yes.
01:00:41Yes.
01:00:42Lovely to see you again.
01:00:43Did you have a question?
01:00:44I do.
01:00:47Aren't you a little worried that I'm going to pull focus?
01:00:50I mean, it's a little confusing.
01:00:52People are going to see Tanya, and then they're going to see that guy, and they're going to
01:00:57wonder who I am.
01:00:59You're the mom.
01:01:01Yeah.
01:01:02Yeah.
01:01:03People aren't going to buy that, so here's what I was thinking.
01:01:05I slap on one of those gowns.
01:01:07I play Tanya's big sister, home from college, to raise a little help.
01:01:12And we're going to cram all that on a subtitle, Loey.
01:01:15I'm sorry.
01:01:16It's just his outfit.
01:01:17It's hideous.
01:01:18Just make it work.
01:01:21Fine.
01:01:22Just need a moment to get into character.
01:01:29Gabrielle, what's the holdup?
01:01:30We've got to get moving here.
01:01:32Ready, ready.
01:01:37What's that?
01:01:38Oh, I made it work.
01:01:39I'm hot, Mom.
01:01:45Get me out, agent.
01:01:45Before we begin, would either of you like some cookies, milk, lemonade, perhaps?
01:01:55Mom, why are we here?
01:01:57Ah, cutting to the chase.
01:01:59I like it.
01:02:00I have a confession to make.
01:02:06This whole dating drama has been keeping me up at night.
01:02:08And I hate being the bitchy, naggy mom.
01:02:11When it comes to parenting, I am much more comfortable playing the good cop.
01:02:15Do you see where I'm going with this, kids?
01:02:17No.
01:02:18Oh, well, in that case, meet the bad cop.
01:02:25Daddy.
01:02:26Hey, baby girl.
01:02:27That the guy?
01:02:29Yep.
01:02:30Get him.
01:02:31This is so unfair.
01:02:38Look, you defied my wishes, you broke my rules.
01:02:40Did you really think I was just going to throw in the towel?
01:02:43Face it.
01:02:44I outsmarted you.
01:02:52Who's Ian?
01:02:54What?
01:02:54You're dating some British guy named Ian.
01:02:57How did that come up?
01:02:58I'm sorry.
01:02:59I didn't realize it was a big secret.
01:03:01You know, when you said it was true love with you and the plumber, I was a good guy.
01:03:06I stepped aside, and now you're on to someone else.
01:03:08Big picture, Carl.
01:03:09His hand.
01:03:10Up our daughter's shirt.
01:03:12Don't change the subject.
01:03:13That is the subject.
01:03:14How serious is it with this Ian guy?
01:03:17I don't know.
01:03:18It's complicated.
01:03:19Yeah, he's kind of married.
01:03:22He's what?
01:03:23It's not what you think.
01:03:25Well, in her defense, his wife is in a coma.
01:03:28All right, that's it, all right?
01:03:30I forbid you to see this guy.
01:03:32What?
01:03:33No, I don't take orders from you.
01:03:35Mom has a point, Dad.
01:03:36You can't tell a woman who she can and can't date.
01:03:38It's her choice.
01:03:38Exactly.
01:03:40Wait, no, that does not apply to you.
01:03:42You know, if you don't care about my feelings, I don't know what I'm doing here.
01:03:45Your feelings?
01:03:46Thanks, my God.
01:03:47You are the worst bad cop ever.
01:03:50Oh!
01:03:52Go to your room.
01:03:56Not you.
01:03:57Hey, buddy, you've been reading comic books for a while.
01:04:09Don't you want to go and play?
01:04:11No.
01:04:12I want to stay with you.
01:04:14Yeah?
01:04:15Okay.
01:04:16Hey, Yard.
01:04:28Oh, hey, how are you?
01:04:29Good.
01:04:30Um, listen, as if saving my life wasn't enough, I have a little favor to ask.
01:04:35Sure, what's up?
01:04:36My kids are having a hard time.
01:04:37They were pretty freaked out by that whole supermarket thing.
01:04:40You're my hostage.
01:04:41Keep moving or I'll blow your face off.
01:04:44Okay, it's my turn.
01:04:45Give me the gun.
01:04:45Not so much then.
01:04:47Right.
01:04:47But my other son, Parker.
01:04:51So, back to the favor.
01:04:56Hey, Parker.
01:04:58I want you to meet our new neighbor, Art.
01:05:01He lives in the house across the street.
01:05:03His sister has the cool wheelchair with the joystick.
01:05:06Hey there, Parker.
01:05:07Hi.
01:05:10In the daytime, Art coaches swimming at the rec center.
01:05:15But, please, can I tell Parker, please?
01:05:19Compromise my secret identity?
01:05:21No way, Mrs. Scalvo.
01:05:22No way.
01:05:24Secret identity?
01:05:26Oh, great.
01:05:28Now the cat's out of the bag.
01:05:29Might as well tell him.
01:05:31It's okay.
01:05:32You can trust him.
01:05:34Really, Art is the one who saved me at the supermarket.
01:05:38He's sort of a superhero.
01:05:40Give me a break.
01:05:47It's true.
01:05:50All right.
01:05:52You're a superhero.
01:05:53What's your name?
01:05:54I'm...
01:05:55Protector Man.
01:05:58Because I protect people from bad guys.
01:06:01You don't believe me, do you?
01:06:09Okay.
01:06:10I really shouldn't do this, but...
01:06:14Wow!
01:06:17Did you really save my mom?
01:06:18I really did.
01:06:22He really did.
01:06:24That's why you don't have to worry.
01:06:26That's Protector Man's job.
01:06:28Your job is to run and play and have fun.
01:06:32Okay?
01:06:36Okay.
01:06:36Oh.
01:06:46My cousin went to Purdue.
01:06:47What the hell?
01:07:02Alfino.
01:07:04Nice to see you up in the bottom.
01:07:07Here's our search warrant.
01:07:08Search warrant?
01:07:09Let me see that.
01:07:16What are we doing?
01:07:17We couldn't find a toolbox.
01:07:19The man's a plumber.
01:07:21Keep looking.
01:07:23Sarah can't find a thing.
01:07:24You tired?
01:07:25Uh-uh.
01:07:25You.
01:07:32Come with me.
01:07:34Marcela.
01:07:35Look, I don't know what they told you,
01:07:37but all I'm asking for is a simple costume change.
01:07:39You don't get to pull diva crap.
01:07:40Tanya gets away with it because she's a star.
01:07:42You are nothing.
01:07:44Where do you get off talking to me like that?
01:07:45I shot 36 covers by the time I was 20.
01:07:48Well, you're 30 now.
01:07:50When you make that face, you look 35.
01:07:51Do you know any photographers would die
01:07:55to work with me again?
01:07:56Yeah, zero.
01:07:58I had to call in major favors just to get you this job.
01:08:00I don't believe that.
01:08:02Well, you know what I don't believe?
01:08:03You gave up a brilliant career to play house in the suburbs,
01:08:05and the minute it falls apart,
01:08:07you come back here expecting a homecoming parade.
01:08:09Well, guess what, sweetie?
01:08:10We've moved on.
01:08:12Now get your polyester ass over there
01:08:15and act like the pro you used to be.
01:08:21Beautiful, Tanya.
01:08:24That's a chin-up.
01:08:25She's a fantastic mother of the plate player.
01:08:32Beautiful, Tanya.
01:08:33Oh, you are gorgeous.
01:08:35Yes, girl.
01:08:36Lovely, lovely.
01:08:39Hiya, Mike.
01:08:40Welcome home.
01:08:41You remember me?
01:08:42Yeah, I think so.
01:08:43The corner house with all the gnomes out front.
01:08:46You're thinking of Martha Hoover.
01:08:48Terrible story.
01:08:49Someone beat her to death and then buried her in the forest.
01:08:52Ironic, huh?
01:08:53Isn't that where gnomes live?
01:08:55I don't really know that much about gnomes.
01:08:57Anyway, I know the cops were here earlier.
01:09:00So?
01:09:01You won't remember this,
01:09:03but one night two years ago,
01:09:04you drove me to the hospital
01:09:05after I had an attack of angina.
01:09:07Probably saved my life.
01:09:09Anyway, I figure I owe you.
01:09:11Here.
01:09:13You might want to wash that wrench off.
01:09:15It's got something on it.
01:09:19Sorry I'm late.
01:09:23Mrs. Prescott broke a crown and...
01:09:27Orson, how well you look.
01:09:31Hello, Mother.
01:09:33A word, darling?
01:09:40I can't believe you did this.
01:09:42And I can't believe you told me that she was senile.
01:09:45You lied to me.
01:09:46Yes, Desperis, the misery of her company.
01:09:48You don't know her, Bree.
01:09:49She's a loathsome woman,
01:09:50and I refuse to break bread with her.
01:09:52Now you listen to me.
01:09:54That woman gave you life,
01:09:55and the Fifth Commandment tells us to honor our parents
01:09:57no matter how hideous or repellent they may be.
01:09:59That's not exactly what...
01:10:00Orson, it's implied.
01:10:02Now get out there and show her some respect.
01:10:05Fine.
01:10:06But if you expect anything more from me
01:10:07than forced civility,
01:10:08you will be deeply disappointed.
01:10:09All right.
01:10:15Bree, the salmon is superb.
01:10:18It did win me the blue ribbon
01:10:20at the Gourmet County cook-off.
01:10:21I just love the sauce.
01:10:23What gives it that kick?
01:10:24Uh-uh-uh.
01:10:25You'd never ask a magician how a trick is done.
01:10:29It barely touched your salmon, dear.
01:10:32Is everything okay?
01:10:34Yes.
01:10:36I was just wondering why you're here.
01:10:39I want us to be friends.
01:10:42Okay.
01:10:43Now suppose I just had a massive head injury,
01:10:45and believe you, we're pals.
01:10:47Now what do you want?
01:10:48Orson, why does she have to have an ulterior motive?
01:10:54I want out of that home.
01:10:55Ah, there it is.
01:10:57It's a hellhole.
01:10:58Besides, I'm perfectly healthy now.
01:11:00My hip is better.
01:11:01I can handle the stairs.
01:11:02And you said, when I got strong enough,
01:11:04I get to go back to my house.
01:11:06Oh, here's the thing.
01:11:07I sold it.
01:11:10What?
01:11:12You heard me.
01:11:14What about my things?
01:11:16All gone.
01:11:18Oh, I also sold the car.
01:11:19See, that's the thing about hellholes.
01:11:20They don't pay for themselves.
01:11:22How dare you?
01:11:24You have no right.
01:11:26Okay.
01:11:26Maybe I will share my secret ingredient.
01:11:29I should have smothered you in your crib
01:11:31when I had the chance.
01:11:32Paprika.
01:11:33There.
01:11:33It's out.
01:11:35That's the mother I remember.
01:11:37I was wondering when she'd show up.
01:11:40Yes, Orson.
01:11:41I am your mother.
01:11:43So you, more than anyone,
01:11:45should know how I deal with betrayal.
01:11:46So, can we call her grandma?
01:12:08I've got one more load,
01:12:09and then I'm going to do my homework.
01:12:10Do you have anything you want me to throw in?
01:12:12No, I'm good.
01:12:13Thanks.
01:12:16Mom, listen.
01:12:21I know I've put you through the ringer lately,
01:12:23and I'm sorry.
01:12:26Sixteen years of being perfect.
01:12:28You were due.
01:12:30That's what I don't get.
01:12:32You've always trusted my judgment.
01:12:34Why can't you trust me about Austin?
01:12:39Relationships have nothing to do with good judgment.
01:12:42It doesn't matter how smart you are.
01:12:44You can still get hurt.
01:12:46You do your homework.
01:12:49I'm going to finish the laundry.
01:12:51Okay.
01:13:08There you go, Mrs. H.
01:13:10All right.
01:13:13Come use your bathroom.
01:13:14Just come on in.
01:13:15Please, stay for dessert.
01:13:21I'll work on Orson,
01:13:22and we'll discuss this together.
01:13:23You saw what he sentenced me to.
01:13:25A room no better than a furnished coffin.
01:13:28I have nothing to say to him.
01:13:29Well, then talk to me.
01:13:31I know you're upset,
01:13:32but don't shut me out, please.
01:13:34Please, Gloria.
01:13:36Let me in.
01:13:37Well, I didn't mean it literally, but okay.
01:13:43We'll, um, we'll sit together and we'll talk.
01:13:45What are you doing?
01:13:46I'm not going back to that place.
01:13:48Ah!
01:13:49Let's get my mother back to the home, shall we?
01:13:53Yeah, uh, not that it's any of my business,
01:13:55but, uh, is everything okay with you folks?
01:13:57Oh, yeah.
01:13:58There was a little tension earlier,
01:13:59but I think it's all been resolved.
01:14:00Hmm.
01:14:04Oh!
01:14:05Oh!
01:14:06Oh!
01:14:06What the hell?
01:14:14No, I absolutely forbid it.
01:14:16Just for a few weeks
01:14:17till we find a place where she'll be happier.
01:14:19You should hurt her in the car.
01:14:21She's absolutely miserable in that nursing home.
01:14:24I don't care.
01:14:25My mother's not moving in here
01:14:26till she fits in a jar on the mantle.
01:14:28How can you be so cold?
01:14:30You don't know who she is.
01:14:32I've worked my entire life
01:14:34to get away from that woman.
01:14:35Why?
01:14:36What could she possibly have done
01:14:37to make you hate her so much?
01:14:41Look, there's nothing to be gained
01:14:42by dredging up the past.
01:14:43Orson,
01:14:45if there's something I should know,
01:14:47could I speak to my son a moment?
01:14:53Of course.
01:14:59So, you know,
01:15:00I've decided to accept
01:15:01your wife's kind invitation.
01:15:05I won't allow it.
01:15:06Oh, I think you will.
01:15:08We're going to end our quarrel
01:15:09right now.
01:15:11Or,
01:15:12I'll tell your wife
01:15:13what it's about.
01:15:15You wouldn't.
01:15:16Just try me.
01:15:18I gave you life.
01:15:20You know I won't hesitate
01:15:21to take it away.
01:15:31Now give Mother a kiss.
01:15:34Why in the hell
01:15:35would I want to do that?
01:15:37To make it look real.
01:15:38I don't know.
01:15:39I don't know.
01:15:39I don't know.
01:15:40I don't know.
01:15:40I don't know.
01:15:41I don't know.
01:15:41I don't know.
01:15:42I don't know.
01:15:42I don't know.
01:15:43I don't know.
01:15:58Hey, you're back.
01:16:01I'd give you a hug, but I'm really sweaty.
01:16:02So how was New York?
01:16:03Oh, it was fine.
01:16:04Bree said you got a job on the first day.
01:16:06You're such a star.
01:16:07I want details.
01:16:08Oh, you know, just hours and hours of sitting around
01:16:11looking pretty.
01:16:13I think I'm done with modeling.
01:16:15So you're not going to move to New York?
01:16:17Well, if something great comes up, I might fly out.
01:16:20But I'm pretty settled here.
01:16:22Oh, thank God.
01:16:23We were all so worried we were losing you.
01:16:25OK, now I'm hugging you.
01:16:29Oh, it's amazing.
01:16:31Your life is such an adventure.
01:16:32Can't wait to see what you do next.
01:16:35Yeah, me too.
01:16:43OK, OK.
01:16:51Mr. Protector Man?
01:16:52Shh, shh, shh, shh.
01:16:53That's a secret.
01:16:54Hello?
01:16:56Hello?
01:17:01Aw, sweet!
01:17:06Mom, look.
01:17:08Hey, don't touch anything.
01:17:09I'm just going to write a note, and then we'll go.
01:17:13OK.
01:17:17Parker?
01:17:18Hey!
01:17:20Come back here.
01:17:22Honey?
01:17:23Come on, we're leaving.
01:17:26Parker?
01:17:28Parker, come on, we're leaving.
01:17:31Why didn't you come when I called?
01:17:32Superhero houses are great.
01:18:02Parker?
01:18:03Come on, we're going to get out of here.
01:18:04Fine.
01:18:05Fine.
01:18:06I just said so.
01:18:07Come on.
01:18:08There are so many things we wish we could tell the young.
01:18:14We'd like to persuade them not to grow up, but we're going to get out of here.
01:18:16Come on.
01:18:17Come on.
01:18:18Come on.
01:18:19Come on.
01:18:20Come on.
01:18:21Come on.
01:18:22Come on.
01:18:23Come on.
01:18:24Come on.
01:18:25Come on.
01:18:26Come on.
01:18:27Come on.
01:18:28Come on.
01:18:29Come on.
01:18:30Come on.
01:18:31Come on.
01:18:32Come on.
01:18:33We're here.
01:18:34Youetic ROBBS.
01:18:35We don't have to, you know, never – Completing we need off so fast, but they won't
01:18:37listen.
01:18:38We want to tell them that beauty fades.
01:18:39Look.
01:18:40Let's see the look, darling.
01:18:41Let's see the look, darling.
01:18:42That they refuse to believe it.
01:18:44That they refuse to believe it.
01:18:45Sheesh.
01:18:46Hey, baby.
01:18:47We warn them that their actions will have consequences.
01:18:51But still they defy us.
01:18:53Sadly, the young can't begin to understand the world is a dangerous place.
01:19:01So it's up to us to do anything we can to protect them.
01:19:10Absolutely anything.