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  • 6/22/2025
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Transcript
00:00:01Previously on Desperate Housewives, Susan's new boyfriend met the family.
00:00:05Who are you?
00:00:06Hi, I'm Mike, the ex-husband.
00:00:09Ah.
00:00:09Gabby's life was no longer glamorous.
00:00:12It's official, I've lost everything.
00:00:14First our money, then my figure, now the last shreds of our social standing.
00:00:17Gabby, we have a home and we have two beautiful little girls.
00:00:21Danielle's decision was devastating.
00:00:23Please just don't take him.
00:00:25That's all I have.
00:00:26I'm just gonna have to find something else.
00:00:28And Edie's new husband showed a dark side.
00:00:31I would consider it a personal favor if you'd apologize to Edie.
00:00:34No.
00:00:34It seems to me that a woman like you would like to keep the few friends that she has left.
00:00:38I think you'd better go.
00:00:40Why don't you bring me flowers?
00:00:41Because you've got a computer and I need to find out some stuff about Edie's husband.
00:00:51Benjamin Katz was six years old and there were a lot of things he didn't understand.
00:00:56He wasn't sure why the woman you call mommy isn't always your mother or how the man who was always there for him could suddenly be taken away or why you could go for a ride and never come back home.
00:01:16Yes, there were a lot of things Benjamin Katz couldn't understand and no one seemed in a hurry to explain them.
00:01:28Here they come, finally.
00:01:30You know, Bree, things will be a little strained at first, so please be on your best behavior.
00:01:33I do not require lectures on tact.
00:01:36I know.
00:01:36It's just that we've missed Benji so much and it's taken so many olive branches to get him to come back.
00:01:41I'm aware of what's at stake, Corson.
00:01:42Good.
00:01:43So if you feel an impulse to criticize something, you'll keep the thought to yourself.
00:01:46Hi.
00:01:50I've already started.
00:01:51Danielle, what a delightfully ethnic ensemble.
00:01:55Hey, Mom.
00:01:56How are you doing, Danielle?
00:01:58Oh, I want to meet my husband, Leo.
00:02:00It's nice to finally meet both of you in person.
00:02:02Lovely to meet you, Leo.
00:02:03Hey, who's this little linebacker, right, Benji?
00:02:05Remember me?
00:02:06I'm not sure.
00:02:09That's okay.
00:02:10That's what this visit is for, right?
00:02:12Getting to know each other.
00:02:14Now we have you for the whole weekend, right?
00:02:16Yep, whole three days.
00:02:17Oh, good.
00:02:18Because we've made lots of plans.
00:02:19We're going to take you to the circus, if it's okay with your folks.
00:02:22Can I go, Danielle?
00:02:24Danielle?
00:02:25Did he just call you Danielle?
00:02:26Well, it is my name.
00:02:29Yes, I'm aware of that.
00:02:30I picked it.
00:02:30I'm just concerned people might view it as a sign of, um, disrespect.
00:02:36By people, you mean you?
00:02:38Uh, legal.
00:02:40Oh, look at your head.
00:02:42Oh, thanks.
00:02:43Okay.
00:02:44Um, let me be clear.
00:02:46I do not want you calling me Bree.
00:02:48Oh, don't worry.
00:02:49I told him to call you Granny.
00:02:50Yes, Benjamin Katz was only six years old.
00:02:57But even he could understand.
00:03:00This was going to be a long weekend.
00:03:03Any child will tell you that where you find a playground, you will also find bullies, young tyrants who bring pain, intimidation, and violence.
00:03:29What can children do in the face of such torment?
00:03:34Well, there is one obvious option.
00:03:38But not every child is eager to go running home to mother.
00:03:42Oh, hey, hon.
00:03:43How's the park?
00:03:45Wait, hold on.
00:03:46Mommy just found her first gray hair.
00:03:48I need you to grab it, yank it, and never speak of it again.
00:03:50Oh, look at your face.
00:03:55It's scratched.
00:03:56What happened?
00:03:59Nothing.
00:04:01And your shirt is ripped.
00:04:03That's the second time this week.
00:04:04Is someone picking on you?
00:04:09Who is it?
00:04:11Is it Jeffrey Hickson, that weird kid who eats paper?
00:04:13Is it Timmy Crowley?
00:04:18His mom slept in her car last night.
00:04:20Who knows what's going on there?
00:04:23Is it that boy from your birthday?
00:04:25The one who slugged the pony?
00:04:28Oh, sweetie.
00:04:30I know you're upset, but you'll feel better if you talk about it.
00:04:33And there's nothing you can't tell me.
00:04:35I'm your mommy.
00:04:37I want to talk to Daddy.
00:04:41Oh.
00:04:43Okay.
00:04:43We'll give him a call.
00:04:53You're not going to find another one in this condition.
00:04:54I mean, the car is a classic.
00:04:57Well, what do you think, Nebula?
00:04:59I like it.
00:05:00I don't love it.
00:05:01I tell you what.
00:05:02Gabby and I want to find our car a nice home.
00:05:04So I'm prepared to knock a grand off.
00:05:06What do you say?
00:05:06I say knock off five grand and we'll talk.
00:05:08Oh, come on.
00:05:09It's already priced way below Blue Book.
00:05:11Not to mention it's mint.
00:05:12This is not mint.
00:05:13Hey, can you not see this ding in the bumper here?
00:05:17Okay, this car goes zero to 60 in five seconds.
00:05:20By the time someone says, wow, a ding, you're in the next county.
00:05:23Four grand, you got yourself a deal.
00:05:25Deal.
00:05:25What?
00:05:27No, no, no, no deal.
00:05:29The non-driving blind guy does not speak for me.
00:05:31Would you excuse us?
00:05:34Gabby, we've been trying to move this car for a month.
00:05:36We need the cash.
00:05:37Oh, God.
00:05:38Isn't there any way we can keep it?
00:05:40I mean, this car is the last thing I have that tells the world I'm better than you.
00:05:44Sorry, babe.
00:05:45We have to pay the mortgage.
00:05:47We can't afford to be better than anyone.
00:05:48Here.
00:05:57Take good care of her.
00:05:59Actually, it's not for us.
00:06:01It's for our nanny.
00:06:01Okay, that one hurt.
00:06:11Hey, so what'd you dig up on Mr. X?
00:06:14You mean Dave?
00:06:15Yeah.
00:06:16Nothing yet.
00:06:17In two days, what gives?
00:06:18Well, for starters, when I search for Dave Williams, I get a million and a half hits.
00:06:23To narrow it down, I'm going to need more information, like where he was born, where he went to school,
00:06:28did he serve time in the military?
00:06:29Well, believe me, if he served time, it was in the state pen.
00:06:31Hey, Dave!
00:06:35Morning, ladies.
00:06:36Sick bastard.
00:06:38How are you?
00:06:39Hey, Catherine, your sprinkler system working okay now?
00:06:41Like a charm.
00:06:42And thanks again.
00:06:44Never been able to get that to work.
00:06:46Oh, I hear you.
00:06:46To program those things, you need an engineering degree.
00:06:49Oh, yeah?
00:06:50You got one of those?
00:06:50Anyway, really appreciate it.
00:06:54Take care.
00:06:56Ugh.
00:06:57I just can't go through with this.
00:06:59He just strikes me as so nice.
00:07:03That's supposed to comfort me, giving your track record with men?
00:07:08Catherine, please.
00:07:10The guy is bad news.
00:07:11I can't prove it, but I feel it in my bones.
00:07:13And I can't sit around doing nothing when I know that Edie's waking up every morning next to him.
00:07:18If anyone finds out we're doing this, no one will know.
00:07:24And when they do, they'll probably thank us.
00:07:27Because I'm telling you, this guy's up to something.
00:07:34Cleaning out the old garage.
00:07:36My deepest sympathy.
00:07:37Hey, Dave, you settling in okay?
00:07:40Yeah.
00:07:40Yeah.
00:07:41Well, they finally delivered my flat screen.
00:07:44I was dying without it.
00:07:45I mean, I did 65 inches.
00:07:47Wow, sweet.
00:07:49Hey, the playoffs are on.
00:07:51You should come check it out.
00:07:52It's like being right on the field.
00:07:54Yeah.
00:07:55Well, that's really busting my hump about clearing this place out, so.
00:07:58Well, maybe later.
00:07:59The game doesn't start for a couple hours.
00:08:00We could order one of those giant sandwiches.
00:08:02Sorry, but you know, check back with me.
00:08:04Make sure I survive this whole thing.
00:08:06Okay.
00:08:07Hi, Dave.
00:08:08Hi.
00:08:08Hey, Tom?
00:08:10Yeah?
00:08:11Why are there two piles?
00:08:14That's the pile that I'm throwing away, and this is the stuff I still need.
00:08:19You need unopened mountain climbing equipment from 1986?
00:08:23You don't climb mountains.
00:08:25Not yet, but someday.
00:08:26I mean, you know, who knows?
00:08:28I know.
00:08:29You get winded just climbing out of the tub.
00:08:30You're never going to climb a mountain.
00:08:33You know what else you're never going to do?
00:08:34Learn German, make your own beer,
00:08:36or have eight-minute abs.
00:08:39Come on, not be aftastic.
00:08:40Toss it, and keep tossing until this two-car garage can hold at least one car.
00:08:50Please tell me you're not getting rid of your base.
00:08:52Yeah, no point in hanging on to it.
00:08:53I mean, being in a band, it's just one more thing I'll never do.
00:08:57Before he moved, Mike and I, we used to get together on Saturdays and jam.
00:09:02Man, that was fun.
00:09:02You know, I play the drums.
00:09:07Maybe you and I should jam sometime.
00:09:12I guess we could.
00:09:13Maybe even later today.
00:09:15Yeah.
00:09:16Yeah, you know what?
00:09:17Just give me a couple hours.
00:09:18I got statues.
00:09:18I'll play boys.
00:09:19I'll see you later.
00:09:20Now remember, you can't just start grilling Edie, or she'll get suspicious.
00:09:43You have to be subtle.
00:09:45I'll just follow your lead.
00:09:46Sorry I'm late.
00:09:52What a great idea.
00:09:54I've done this in ages.
00:09:55Fun lunch with the girls.
00:09:57Yes, fun.
00:09:59Where was Dave born?
00:10:01What?
00:10:02We were just wondering where he got his great manners.
00:10:07He's got that gentle bearing of a southern gentleman.
00:10:11No, he's from somewhere in the Midwest.
00:10:14Somewhere?
00:10:14You don't know where your husband grew up?
00:10:17Well, he showed me a picture of his childhood home once.
00:10:20It had a cow in it.
00:10:21I lost interest.
00:10:23Honestly, Edie, how can you be married to a guy and not know these things?
00:10:26You know what?
00:10:28I think it's time to order.
00:10:29Where's our waitress?
00:10:31I'll be right with you, Mrs. Mayfair.
00:10:33Oh, no problem, Debbie.
00:10:34You take your time.
00:10:35She's such a sweet girl.
00:10:37She's saving money for college.
00:10:39Oh.
00:10:40Speaking of which, where did Dave go to college?
00:10:43Come on, Debbie.
00:10:44While we're young.
00:10:46I don't know.
00:10:47Okay.
00:10:49What about high school?
00:10:50Why are you asking me all these questions?
00:10:52I just think it's odd that you're married to some guy you don't know anything about him.
00:10:55Other than the fact that he's a lovely man.
00:10:58He fixed my sprinkler.
00:11:05I don't want to talk about this anymore.
00:11:06I'm going to the ladies' room.
00:11:11Well, you're a subtle perfect out of nowhere.
00:11:16I've been through a lot with this baby.
00:11:18I hate to sell her, but, you know, with my new sports car coming, I don't really need it.
00:11:22Here she is.
00:11:23Here she is.
00:11:23How's it look?
00:11:29Be glad you're blind.
00:11:31We have to be practical.
00:11:32We just need something to get us from point A to point B.
00:11:35Let's buy the thing.
00:11:36Okay, just let me handle this.
00:11:39So, do we have a sale?
00:11:41I don't know, Andrew.
00:11:43I mean, we like it.
00:11:45We don't love it.
00:11:47Yeah, well, no one buys a car like this and loves it.
00:11:49It's all about the price.
00:11:51And you're not going to do better.
00:11:52Yeah, about that price, you're going to have to drop it.
00:11:56I mean, look at all these dents.
00:11:57Yeah, it's also missing three hubcaps and it's got a hanger for an antenna.
00:12:01Full disclosure, it's a piece of crap.
00:12:04You want it or not.
00:12:06Well, I'll tell you what.
00:12:07Since your mom and I are dear friends, I'll take it off your hands if you knock off $300.
00:12:12And since my mom and you are dear friends, I'll resist the urge to flip you the bird.
00:12:16Andrew, unless you lower this price, we're walking right now.
00:12:22See ya.
00:12:24I mean it.
00:12:25This is it.
00:12:26Fine.
00:12:27Fine?
00:12:35Okay, fine.
00:12:37Knock off $200 and we'll give you cash.
00:12:39No.
00:12:40$100?
00:12:41No.
00:12:41What?
00:12:43What, you at least have it washed?
00:12:45I'll empty the ashtray.
00:12:46Final offer.
00:12:49Damn you.
00:12:56Oh!
00:12:57You beat me again.
00:12:59Curse you and your diabolical checkers prowess.
00:13:03All right, Orson, don't overexcite him on the upholstery.
00:13:06So, Danielle, what would you like me to make as a side dish for your welcome home party?
00:13:12I can do anything so long as it complements beef tenderloin.
00:13:15Actually, we don't eat meat.
00:13:17We're vegetarians.
00:13:19Excuse me?
00:13:20So is Benjamin.
00:13:27Oh, well, since when?
00:13:30Since I realized that meat was a byproduct of murder.
00:13:32Would it be more acceptable if I shopped for a suicidal pork loin?
00:13:38Free.
00:13:39It's no big deal.
00:13:40I'll just make a nice risotto.
00:13:42This isn't about dinner.
00:13:43This is about her nutty, liberal politics getting in the way of our grandson's nutrition.
00:13:48He gets all the protein he needs from cheese and beans and tofu.
00:13:52Well, this isn't just about nutrition.
00:13:54Do you want him to be teased at school every time he pulls tofu out of his lunchbox?
00:13:59Actually, that won't be an issue.
00:14:02Danielle is homeschooling him.
00:14:05Excuse me?
00:14:06You're teaching him?
00:14:09Yes, I take it you have an opinion?
00:14:11So, instead of sending him to a proper school, you're going to give him the benefit of your straight C average?
00:14:16Hey, he's only six and he's already reading at a third grade level.
00:14:19Well, what happens next year when he overtakes you?
00:14:22A three.
00:14:23Best behavior, remember?
00:14:25I am sorry, but am I supposed to sit by while she degrades his body and his mind?
00:14:30Fine.
00:14:33Criticize my parenting all you want.
00:14:34I don't care.
00:14:36Because you don't get to decide how he's raised anymore.
00:14:39I'm his mother.
00:14:44Oh!
00:14:45And by the way, mark your calendars, because seven years from next Saturday, Benjamin's Bar Mitzvah.
00:14:50Hey!
00:15:09Isn't this cool?
00:15:10Dave brought his drums over so we could jam.
00:15:12Your boy's pretty good.
00:15:13Yeah, and we figured out we got bass, we got drums, Mike plays guitar, I think Orson plays keyboard.
00:15:18Do you see where I am going with this?
00:15:19I do, but I'm hoping I'm wrong.
00:15:21We're going to start a garage band!
00:15:23And I wasn't!
00:15:24Maybe if we get good enough, we can even get like a couple of gigs.
00:15:27How fun would that be?
00:15:29Gigs?
00:15:29Did you just say gigs?
00:15:32All we need is a little time to practice.
00:15:34A few nights a week, some weekends.
00:15:36What?
00:15:36Well, yeah, just until we get the rhythm section, I'll dial then.
00:15:40Okay, I need to dial you into some gigs you already have, which are running a restaurant, being a husband, and a father.
00:15:47And I thought you were the one who said you wanted to spend more time with your family.
00:15:51But we could play clubs.
00:15:54I mean, you're just having a little fun, Lynette.
00:15:56Guys need to blow off steam.
00:15:58Could you just, for a sec, come on.
00:16:01You know I'm right, you're far too busy for this.
00:16:06Whoa.
00:16:11You can't just decide for me like that.
00:16:13I mean, if I want to play bass, I will play bass.
00:16:18I'm not hurting anybody.
00:16:19Those of us with hearing beg to differ.
00:16:21Okay, you know what?
00:16:23Please leave our rehearsal space.
00:16:24Oh, come on, Tom.
00:16:26This is not your...
00:16:27Guys, hey, top it off back there.
00:16:45Oh, hey.
00:17:11What's up?
00:17:13You sold me a lemon.
00:17:14That's what's up.
00:17:15What are you talking about?
00:17:17Your car.
00:17:18I took it to a mechanic who told me the radiator shot.
00:17:21Oh, that, yeah.
00:17:22It's been giving me trouble for years.
00:17:24Just use the jug.
00:17:26What jug?
00:17:27It's in the trunk.
00:17:28You just keep it full of water, and when the radiator overheats, you fill it up.
00:17:32Oh, and try not going up hills and stay in the shade as much as possible.
00:17:36I can't drive around avoiding gravity and the sun.
00:17:40Well, sorry, if you want a car with no flaws, buy a new one.
00:17:44Or I could get the radiator fixed, which is going to cost $300, which you are paying for.
00:17:49Whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:17:50Remember full disclosure?
00:17:52Crap.
00:17:53This is your car.
00:17:55It's your problem.
00:17:56Okay, you know what?
00:17:56That's it.
00:17:57I want to talk to your mother.
00:17:59Well, she's in a meeting right now.
00:18:01Can I take a message?
00:18:02Damn it, Andrew.
00:18:04You tell Brie to call me by the end of the day.
00:18:07May I ask what it's regarding?
00:18:13All right, we'll talk about it more later, buddy.
00:18:14Why don't you go on outside and play for a while?
00:18:16Okay.
00:18:20But what did he say?
00:18:21Well, he still won't tell me who's picking on him, but he did ask me to teach him how to fight.
00:18:24He's only five.
00:18:26I don't want him fighting.
00:18:27I'm sorry, but every boy has to learn how to throw a punch eventually.
00:18:29You know, if you want to give him a leg up, you could teach him a little capoeira.
00:18:34Capoeira what?
00:18:35It's Brazilian martial art that incorporates dance.
00:18:40Yeah, because there's nothing scarier than a guy coming at you with jazz hands.
00:18:44It's funny, but actually, the dance part's to catch your opponent off guard.
00:18:48Like that?
00:18:49No.
00:18:49There's a little more nuance to it.
00:18:51Like that.
00:18:52Where's the dance part?
00:18:55Oh, there it is, Ginger.
00:18:56You know what, boys?
00:18:57It's not in the house.
00:18:59Oh, my God.
00:19:04Give it back.
00:19:05It's my ball now.
00:19:06It's my ball now.
00:19:07Hey, you leave him alone.
00:19:10Oh, honey.
00:19:13Is that who's been picking on you, Juanita Solis?
00:19:16Mm-hmm.
00:19:17Well, she is going to get a big surprise because your daddy is about to turn you into a killing machine.
00:19:23MJ, can I talk to your mom for a second?
00:19:26Mm-hmm.
00:19:27What?
00:19:32I can't teach him to hit a girl.
00:19:34That's not just any girl.
00:19:36You saw her.
00:19:37She could take down a small deer.
00:19:39It doesn't matter.
00:19:40If it wears a skirt, it's off limits.
00:19:42That is sexist.
00:19:43If feminism means anything, it's that it's okay for a big, mean girl to get her butt kicked.
00:19:47You, teach him one of those Brazilian kung fu cha-cha things.
00:19:52I'm with Mike.
00:19:54You can't hit girls.
00:19:55Oh, couple of wusses.
00:19:58I'll handle it myself.
00:20:01Oops.
00:20:02Didn't see that coming.
00:20:04Just for that, breaking my rule about not hitting girls.
00:20:06Gabby, we have a problem.
00:20:10I just saw Juanita push MJ down.
00:20:13Really?
00:20:14Really.
00:20:15It's not the first time.
00:20:16Juanita's been bullying him.
00:20:18Wow.
00:20:19I'm sorry.
00:20:20I'll talk to her.
00:20:23And don't worry.
00:20:23No one will hear about this from me.
00:20:25Hear what?
00:20:27That MJ's getting beat up by a little girl.
00:20:30Well, a girl.
00:20:34Are you suggesting that Juanita is fat for her age?
00:20:37Gabby, Juanita's fat for your age.
00:20:40Yeah, well, let's face it.
00:20:41MJ could get beaten up by a kitten.
00:20:43You know what?
00:20:45Maybe you could teach your daughter how to use her words and not her fists.
00:20:49Yeah, or maybe you could teach your son to grow a pair.
00:21:04What's she looking at?
00:21:05Oh, just some old pictures.
00:21:08Can you guess who that little girl is?
00:21:13That's your mom, way back when she was your age.
00:21:16What's she eating?
00:21:17Oh, uh, a hot dog.
00:21:20No way.
00:21:21Oh, yes, your mother loved hot dogs.
00:21:24Every day at lunchtime, she'd say to me,
00:21:26Mommy, I want a hot dog.
00:21:28How come she doesn't need them now?
00:21:30Well, because she's all grown up.
00:21:32You see, hot dogs and hamburgers are what make little boys and girls grow up to be big and strong.
00:21:37And now that she's grown up, she doesn't need them anymore.
00:21:40Doesn't Mommy want me to be big and strong?
00:21:42I've been asking myself that all day.
00:21:44Maybe she's afraid if you get big, you'll leave home and go play for the Red Sox.
00:21:51But I want to get big.
00:21:52I want to play baseball.
00:21:54Oh.
00:21:56Well, in that case...
00:21:58Can I?
00:22:04You have to promise not to tell your mommy.
00:22:07Okay.
00:22:13Well, what do you think?
00:22:15It's like tofu, only better.
00:22:19Yes.
00:22:20Yes, it is.
00:22:21Two, three, four.
00:22:29When Tom Scavo threw himself into his new hobby,
00:22:33his wife told herself it was a phase and it would pass quickly.
00:22:39But three hours later, she realized it could not pass quickly enough.
00:22:48So Lynette began to plot against her husband's instrument of torture.
00:22:58Oh, careful, honey.
00:23:00Sorry.
00:23:01You could break your dad's guitar.
00:23:04It was at that moment her daughter provided her an idea for a simple accident.
00:23:10And a clean alibi.
00:23:24Dammit!
00:23:27Hey, is everything all right?
00:23:29It was lying in the middle of the floor.
00:23:32How in the world did that happen?
00:23:33Has Penny been playing in here again?
00:23:35I've told her a million times.
00:23:36Now, I'm sure it was an accident, Tom.
00:23:38Please don't yell at her.
00:23:39It was a $1,600 base.
00:23:41I can't afford to replace it.
00:23:44Penny Lynn Scavo!
00:23:46Where is she?
00:23:47Oh, Tom.
00:23:50She's up in her room.
00:23:58I'm going to go play outside.
00:24:00Oh, wait.
00:24:01You forgot your whistle.
00:24:03Okay, sweetie.
00:24:05This is just to be on the safe side.
00:24:06If Juanita comes around, you just blow it.
00:24:09I'll be right there.
00:24:10Okay.
00:24:11Good boy.
00:24:24Hey, give me back my whistle!
00:24:28Juanita Solis, don't you move.
00:24:30You are in big trouble.
00:24:31What's on your head?
00:24:34Never mind.
00:24:36What did you do to MJ?
00:24:38He wouldn't let me blow his whistle.
00:24:40So your solution was to push him down?
00:24:42Do you think that's nice?
00:24:44How would you feel if someone did that to you?
00:24:46I wouldn't care.
00:24:47Oh, really?
00:24:48You don't think it would hurt?
00:24:50Even if it did, I'm not a crybaby like MJ.
00:24:53Okay.
00:24:54Okay.
00:24:54Okay.
00:24:54Okay.
00:24:54Okay.
00:24:54Okay.
00:24:54Okay.
00:24:54Okay.
00:24:54Okay.
00:24:54Okay.
00:24:54Okay.
00:24:54Okay.
00:24:55Okay.
00:24:56Okay.
00:24:56Okay.
00:24:57Okay.
00:24:58Okay.
00:24:59Okay.
00:25:00I'm sorry.
00:25:01Juanita, I just wanted you to see how it felt.
00:25:04Are you okay?
00:25:06Susan!
00:25:07I saw that.
00:25:08Kids, get inside.
00:25:10Okay.
00:25:10First off, it wasn't as bad as it looked.
00:25:13Really?
00:25:13Because it looked like your body's family daughter.
00:25:15I barely tapped her.
00:25:17She was milking it.
00:25:18That's your defense?
00:25:19You were only assaulting her a little?
00:25:20I was trying to teach her not to be a bully, something she should have learned from her mother.
00:25:25Well, I'm sorry.
00:25:26I was too busy trying to explain to her why MJ doesn't wear a dress like all the other little girls.
00:25:31This conversation is over.
00:25:33Tell Bob and Lee that I'll pay for the dent in their lawn.
00:25:37Oh, you did not.
00:25:40I did.
00:25:43You know what?
00:25:45We've both been incredibly childish here, and it is time one of us took the high road, so I am now going to walk away.
00:25:51Please take note of this conflict resolution and try to pass the lesson on to your daughter.
00:25:57You can dye that hair all you want, but the gray is just going to keep coming.
00:26:00They call me one trash.
00:26:19Hey.
00:26:20You got a minute?
00:26:21Yeah, sure.
00:26:21Come on in.
00:26:22I, uh, I heard there was a little accident.
00:26:27Oh.
00:26:28So, I got this for Tom.
00:26:32You bought Tom a new base?
00:26:34It's not as smooth as his old one, but it's good.
00:26:36We can't accept this.
00:26:38It's mostly selfish on my part.
00:26:40I was having too much fun.
00:26:41Well, sorry, but maybe you could go skateboarding with Orson.
00:26:44All right, forget about me.
00:26:49Tom was having fun, and from what I've seen, he needs it.
00:26:54Uh-huh.
00:26:56And what makes you think you know what my husband needs?
00:26:59Just something that I saw the other day when you were making him get rid of all his things.
00:27:04You mean his junk?
00:27:06It may be junk to you, but to Tom, well, that was stuff he was going to get around to.
00:27:10You know what a midlife crisis is?
00:27:16I'm married to a 45-year-old man who has a red convertible.
00:27:19Yeah, I think I know.
00:27:21But you know how it happens?
00:27:23A man gets to a certain age, and he realizes he's going to die someday.
00:27:29Really die.
00:27:31And what's worse is that he's everything he's ever going to be.
00:27:36He's never going to be rich.
00:27:38He's never going to climb a mountain.
00:27:43Now, some guys do bad things when they get those thoughts in their heads.
00:27:49By comparison, playing in the garage band, well, it seems pretty harmless.
00:27:57Ah.
00:27:59So, now my marriage is in trouble, and you're going to save it by giving Tom a base?
00:28:04No.
00:28:05No.
00:28:06I'm not.
00:28:08You are.
00:28:10Most of the guys in my class went into corporate law, but I wanted to do something that would influence environmental policy.
00:28:33That's how he ended up at the EPA.
00:28:34Oh.
00:28:39Okay.
00:28:41So, Leo, where did you study law?
00:28:44Cornell.
00:28:45Now I'm jealous.
00:28:46I always wished that I'd gone to a school like Cornell, but it just wasn't in the cards for me.
00:28:51How about you, Dave?
00:28:53Me?
00:28:54No.
00:28:54It wasn't in my cards either.
00:28:55So where did you go?
00:28:56After listening to Leo, I'd be embarrassed to tell you.
00:29:00So, EPA, what's your opinion on global warming, fact or fiction?
00:29:05Hold on, darling.
00:29:06Mrs. McCluskey asked you a question.
00:29:09Tell her where you went to school.
00:29:10Well, Edie, I think she was just making a conversation, so...
00:29:17Okay, then why didn't you tell me where you went?
00:29:19After all, I am your wife.
00:29:20Shouldn't I know?
00:29:21No.
00:29:21Actually, I didn't go to college.
00:29:36I took a job out of high school because my family was having a hard time.
00:29:43Not having a degree is something that has always been embarrassing to me, especially when I'm with people who do.
00:29:49So, my darling, is there anything else you'd like to quiz me about in public?
00:29:57My childhood stuttering, my dad's drinking problems?
00:30:05No, I'm good.
00:30:13I came to say I'm sorry.
00:30:16You attacked my child and then me.
00:30:18Why should I even listen to you?
00:30:20I brought booze.
00:30:23Come on in.
00:30:26Like, I have this rule.
00:30:29No toy guns.
00:30:30Except everything that MJ picks up.
00:30:33Whether it's a hairbrush, a hanger, everything.
00:30:36He pretends it's a gun.
00:30:37What do you expect?
00:30:38He's a boy.
00:30:39That's my point.
00:30:40I know nothing about raising boys.
00:30:43And I think MJ has figured this out.
00:30:45So, he goes straight to Mike whenever there's a problem.
00:30:48But that's okay.
00:30:49Mike's a great dad.
00:30:50Yeah, sure.
00:30:51On alternate weekends, it's fine.
00:30:54Until MJ needs his daddy and his daddy's not there.
00:31:00Susan, it's not your fault.
00:31:03Well, we split up.
00:31:05So, it's at least half my fault anyway you slice it.
00:31:08Well, if it's any consolation, Carlos is a hands-on, full-time dad.
00:31:13And I still feel like I'm not getting the job done.
00:31:16Like, I'm not preparing them enough.
00:31:20Preparing them for what?
00:31:22For how hard life is.
00:31:24I mean, I have to admit, when you told me Juanita was bullying MJ, my first thought was,
00:31:28Thank God!
00:31:29Let her do the pushing.
00:31:31Just as long as she's not a victim.
00:31:34Well, I don't see any kid of yours being a victim.
00:31:37You're the strongest person I know.
00:31:41I used to be.
00:31:45Look at my life, Susan.
00:31:47I...
00:31:48I've been beaten down.
00:31:53Well, I thought I had you beaten today, and the next thing I knew, I was eating grass.
00:32:01Today doesn't count.
00:32:02Today I was mad.
00:32:04Well, maybe you need to get mad more often.
00:32:12Maybe you're right.
00:32:14This is nice.
00:32:16We should rumble all the time.
00:32:20To Susan Meyer, good mom.
00:32:23To Gabrielle Solis, another good mom.
00:32:28Mommy, we're hungry!
00:32:31So?
00:32:32There's waffles in the freezer!
00:32:35We give Mommy some ice!
00:32:40Isn't this nice?
00:32:41For the first time in years, my family is all here under the same roof.
00:32:45Here's to many more meals together.
00:32:48Welcome home.
00:32:49Cheers.
00:32:51I don't feel good, Danielle.
00:32:53Danielle?
00:32:55I think I'm going to be sick.
00:32:57Let's get you to the powder room.
00:33:01Here we are.
00:33:07Mushroom risotto.
00:33:08There is an unfortunate coincidence.
00:33:11I'm so sorry, Mom.
00:33:12I'll clean it up.
00:33:13No, um, you take Benji upstairs.
00:33:15I'll get him.
00:33:16Orson, could you get a mop, please?
00:33:18Oh, my God.
00:33:22Is that meat?
00:33:24No!
00:33:25Of course not.
00:33:26Does this look like meat to you?
00:33:28It's hard to tell.
00:33:30Just so we're clear, what I'm about to throw up is a Western hoblet.
00:33:33That is not meat.
00:33:35That piece right there, that's definitely meat.
00:33:38Still waiting on that mop.
00:33:39What did Grandma give you to eat?
00:33:42Pizza not to do.
00:33:47You gave him meat and then told him to lie?
00:33:52I gave him a hot dog, all right.
00:33:54He liked it so much, he asked for another.
00:33:57Two hot dogs?
00:33:58All right, I can see the second one was clearly a mistake.
00:34:04Come on, Danielle, we're leaving.
00:34:06No, Danielle, please.
00:34:07I'm sorry, Orson.
00:34:08She's made it impossible for us to stay in this house.
00:34:10Danielle, wait.
00:34:11Wait.
00:34:17Well, we can still drink, right?
00:34:19Oh, yeah.
00:34:23Well, I've apologized till I'm blue in the face,
00:34:26but they're still leaving in the morning.
00:34:32Now, you're not speaking to me either?
00:34:36They're just mad.
00:34:37Things will be better next time.
00:34:40Do you honestly think they'll be in next time?
00:34:43It took us three years to talk them into this visit.
00:34:45It took you one day to ruin it.
00:34:48Orson, I'm truly sorry.
00:34:51It's just seeing all these mistakes that she's making with Benjamin,
00:34:55it's just so hard for me.
00:34:57Do you know it's hard for me?
00:34:58When I left for prison, Benjamin was in my house.
00:35:04He was in my life.
00:35:07He called me Daddy.
00:35:09When I came home, he was gone.
00:35:11And you think that's my fault?
00:35:16Yes, I do.
00:35:19Orson, you weren't here.
00:35:21She came back.
00:35:22She was married to a lawyer.
00:35:24And don't forget, she is his mother.
00:35:26I tried to fight, but...
00:35:29You should have fought harder.
00:35:31I was on my knees.
00:35:33I was sobbing.
00:35:34She said no and then ripped you out of my arms.
00:35:37You have no right to say that to me.
00:35:38You're kind of blindsided me tonight.
00:35:54I know.
00:35:55I am so sorry.
00:35:59I was clearly uncomfortable.
00:36:02I don't understand why you kept pressing me.
00:36:04Honestly, it was all Karen McCluskey's fault.
00:36:11Really?
00:36:12How so?
00:36:13She kept asking me all this stuff about your background
00:36:15and why I don't know more about you.
00:36:17And I should have just never let her get to me.
00:36:25It's okay, sweetie.
00:36:27Now I understand.
00:36:28It's kind of sad when you think about it.
00:36:35What do you mean?
00:36:36Well, maybe you guys don't notice
00:36:38because you're so used to her.
00:36:42But her behavior reminds me of my grandmother
00:36:44when we first started to notice.
00:36:46The dementia, that is.
00:36:48You think Karen's going senile?
00:36:51I remember my poor grandmother.
00:36:55She started getting so paranoid.
00:36:58She thought people were breaking into her house
00:36:59and stealing her things.
00:37:04We finally had to put her in a home.
00:37:09I just hope that doesn't happen to Karen.
00:37:10I want my 300 bucks.
00:37:28I told you.
00:37:29It's your car.
00:37:30You deal with it.
00:37:31That's it?
00:37:32No compassion?
00:37:33No, hey, let's split the bill and call it even?
00:37:36Look at it this way.
00:37:37You're not losing 300 bucks.
00:37:39You're gaining a valuable lesson.
00:37:41Buyer beware.
00:37:42True.
00:37:43Now, here's a valuable lesson for you.
00:37:51Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
00:37:53What the hell is wrong with you?
00:37:54Give me my money or next time we're trading paint.
00:37:57Bluff me.
00:37:58I am tired of being a victim, Andrew.
00:38:00And trust me, that is no bluff.
00:38:01You touched my car and you're painful.
00:38:07Luckily, I'm insured.
00:38:08Oh, wait, our policy lapsed.
00:38:10Hope you've got good coverage.
00:38:15Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:38:18I'll get my checkbook.
00:38:19I prefer cash.
00:38:20I'll get my checkbook.
00:38:21I'll get my checkbook.
00:38:22I'll get my checkbook.
00:38:23I'll get my checkbook.
00:38:24I'll get my checkbook.
00:38:26Bullies.
00:38:28Any adult will tell you the playground is not the only place to find them.
00:38:34Everywhere you look, you can find people unconcerned or unaware of the pain they inflict.
00:38:40It might be a neighbor preying on the suspicions of her friend or a daughter punishing the choices
00:38:51of her mother or a housewife seeking justice from the man who sold her a car.
00:39:01Yes, there are bullies everywhere.
00:39:07And the worst are the ones who take advantage of you without you ever knowing what they've done.
00:39:16Previously on Desperate Housewives, Brie's husband felt rejected.
00:39:32I think it's strange to see my wife billed as Mrs. Vandekamp.
00:39:35It's how I'm known.
00:39:36Is there a Mr. Vandekamp?
00:39:37No, Mr. Vandekamp is deceased.
00:39:40Would it have killed you to have mentioned me?
00:39:42It's because I went to jail, isn't it?
00:39:43Lynette's husband was excited.
00:39:45We're going to start a garage band.
00:39:47I thought you were the one who said you wanted to spend more time with your family.
00:39:50Guys need to blow off steam.
00:39:52Edie's new husband had a past.
00:39:53You've been here six weeks and you don't seem any closer to coming to terms with your rage.
00:39:57I've come to terms with him and I like it just the way it is.
00:40:00Which remained a misfit.
00:40:01I just think it's odd that you're married to some guy you don't know anything about him.
00:40:04She kept asking me all this stuff about your background.
00:40:07And Susan tried to move on.
00:40:09Well, I sort of started seeing someone.
00:40:11Good for you.
00:40:15Every year, Ms. Eleonora Butters would ask her kindergarten class to draw a picture of
00:40:24their families, which she would then display on Meet the Teacher night.
00:40:30That's how Ty Richman's parents saw his depiction of their fighting.
00:40:33And Amy Hines' parents saw her portrayal of their drinking.
00:40:41And Jason Monty's parents saw his illustration of their hygiene.
00:40:46You see, Ms. Butters felt it was important for parents to see themselves through their children's
00:40:55eyes.
00:40:57She knew the experience.
00:40:59Edie's got me vacuuming in my bra.
00:41:02Do I do that?
00:41:03Could be very educational.
00:41:05I know, I know, I know.
00:41:08Did I not say, Seven, you missed their little show.
00:41:11MJ was tooth decay.
00:41:12Well, Crosstown traffic killed me.
00:41:14And I told you to videotape it.
00:41:15Well, did you tell me to take off the lens cap?
00:41:17Next time, be more specific.
00:41:19Mr. Delfino, glad you made it.
00:41:21Did you get to see MJ's artwork?
00:41:23No, not yet.
00:41:24Can't wait.
00:41:26Oh, hey, look at that.
00:41:27There we are, standing in front of the house.
00:41:29Look what he did with my hair.
00:41:31I kind of like the bangs.
00:41:32Hey, look, you put a wrench in my pocket.
00:41:34Fancy how big my muscles are.
00:41:35Which is a good thing,
00:41:36because there's a shark attacking the house.
00:41:41Hey, Daddy.
00:41:42Hey, buddy.
00:41:43Your mommy and I were just looking at your wonderful painting.
00:41:45You like it?
00:41:46Yeah, I love it.
00:41:46Especially how big and strong you made me look.
00:41:48That's not you, that's Jackson.
00:41:51See the paintbrush in his pocket?
00:41:56Oh, who's Jackson?
00:41:58He paints our house.
00:42:00I tell my mommy to drink wine and have a sleepover.
00:42:03Uh, because Mike and I are divorced, so that's why it was supposed to be a picture of the family,
00:42:14so you should have put your daddy in it.
00:42:16I did.
00:42:17Oh, the bug with the little hat?
00:42:26That's you, because you're always so far away.
00:42:28Oh, yeah, that's, um, now I see me.
00:42:36Yes.
00:42:37Every year, Ms. Eleonora Butters would ask her class to draw a picture of their families,
00:42:42even though she knew the portraits.
00:42:45Might not be that flattering.
00:42:48If you look closely into the faces of your friends, you'll see it.
00:43:07Hey!
00:43:09Congratulations!
00:43:09Come on in!
00:43:10Right behind their smiles, you will see a certain green-eyed monster.
00:43:16And then you'll understand how envious they are of your well-kept home,
00:43:22your delicious recipes,
00:43:25and your tasteful possessions.
00:43:30Here's my cookbook.
00:43:31But you'll have to work hard to see the jealousy.
00:43:36Because good friends always work hard to hide it.
00:43:42Look at you, right on the cover.
00:43:45These are advanced copies.
00:43:47I wanted you to be the first to have them.
00:43:49Oh, and look, you signed it.
00:43:50To Lynette, the sweetest, most wonderful friend I've ever known.
00:43:54Aw.
00:43:55To Susan, the sweetest, most...
00:43:57We don't have to read them out loud.
00:43:59Don't mind me, ladies.
00:44:00I'm just grabbing a kiss on my way to the salt mines.
00:44:03Oh, you have a good day.
00:44:04Thanks for...
00:44:05Oh, did you show them the ad?
00:44:05Oh, I almost forgot.
00:44:07Um, wait.
00:44:08Isn't this nice?
00:44:09They're running it next month in Women's Day.
00:44:12You're gonna be in magazines, too?
00:44:14They've come up with this whole marketing plan.
00:44:17Radio, print, book signings.
00:44:19Wow.
00:44:20Isn't it fantastic?
00:44:21No, it's horrible.
00:44:22She's gonna become this famous author and have no time at all for us.
00:44:25Oh, come on, Gabby.
00:44:26You know that Brave will never change.
00:44:28Thank you, Catherine.
00:44:28And I will never become stuck up and full of myself.
00:44:31You didn't say that.
00:44:32I said you'd never change.
00:44:34Very funny.
00:44:35I hardly think you have to worry about me becoming famous.
00:44:38You have a marketing plan.
00:44:39You want to say my marketing plan?
00:44:43Milk, bread, vodka, condoms.
00:44:47Can I see that?
00:44:48I'd love to read it.
00:44:49Why?
00:44:49Well, back before I consecrated my life to mozzarella, marketing was sort of what I did.
00:44:54Oh, right.
00:44:55Of course.
00:44:56I would, uh, love to hear your thoughts.
00:44:59So you're still gonna want to hang out with us even when you're totally fabulous and we're still nobodies.
00:45:03Girls, you are making way too much of this.
00:45:06I am not a bit more fabulous than any one of you.
00:45:09Excuse me.
00:45:10What is it, Andrew?
00:45:12I hope you're free for lunch on the 12th, because the Chamber of Commerce just named you Businesswoman of the Year.
00:45:17Oh, my God.
00:45:18That is so amazing.
00:45:26The, uh, dry cleaner.
00:45:27Just, um, found my sweater.
00:45:29Hi.
00:45:41Orson, I have amazing news.
00:45:43The Chamber of Commerce just called.
00:45:44Oh, what about?
00:45:45I want to buy you lunch and tell you in person I will be at your office in two minutes.
00:45:49Uh, no.
00:45:50No.
00:45:50Uh, don't come to my office.
00:45:52You know, I can't have lunch now.
00:45:53Um, I'm in a meeting.
00:45:54Well, I'll wait in reception until it's over.
00:45:57No, it'll take hours.
00:45:58It's a very urgent, uh, high-level stuff.
00:46:06What kind of meeting is it?
00:46:08George, hey!
00:46:10Turn that radio down!
00:46:11Where are you?
00:46:13I told you, I'm in a meeting.
00:46:17I gotta go.
00:46:18I'll see you soon.
00:46:22Yes, you will.
00:46:28Mike!
00:46:29Mike!
00:46:29What's going on?
00:46:31Daddy, you got me a bike.
00:46:32Yes, I see.
00:46:33And your mommy thought we'd agreed to wait till your birthday.
00:46:36Crazy mommy.
00:46:37Can you teach me to hide it?
00:46:39No, not today.
00:46:40I gotta go install a water heater.
00:46:41But, uh, you keep practicing, and the next afternoon I have free, we'll bust off those
00:46:45training wheels and go kick up some dirt.
00:46:46Okay?
00:46:47Okay.
00:46:48All right.
00:46:50Oh, my God.
00:46:52This is about MJ's drawing, isn't it?
00:46:54What?
00:46:55He does not love Jackson more than you.
00:46:57He knows who his father is.
00:46:59I know that.
00:47:00Can a guy give his kid a bike without being psychoanalyzed?
00:47:04So you're totally fine with them drawing?
00:47:06Well, I won't go stick it in all my fridge anytime soon, but yeah.
00:47:09Uh, I'm glad you're dating a nice guy.
00:47:12I'm glad he likes my kid, and my kid likes him.
00:47:14Here's a bike.
00:47:15That's all it is.
00:47:18Hey, guys.
00:47:21Jackson, look at my new bike!
00:47:24Pretty cool.
00:47:26Uh, that's a custom titanium frame.
00:47:30Make sure MJ knows that.
00:47:36Mommy, can Bethany go home now?
00:47:39Honey, she's only been here 20 minutes.
00:47:40We invited her over to play to go play.
00:47:42But all she does is spin.
00:47:48Honey, we want Bethany to be our friend,
00:47:51so if she wants to spin, just suck it up and spin.
00:47:56Why are you shoving that little weirdo down Juanita's throat?
00:47:59That little weirdo is the key to you and I having more sex.
00:48:04I know I should ask a few questions, but I'm in.
00:48:07Bethany's mom hosts a weekly play date.
00:48:08I'm trying to get Juanita an invitation.
00:48:11How does that lead to quality time with your boobs?
00:48:14Carlos, the only time you and I have to ourselves is late at night.
00:48:17But by that time, we're too exhausted.
00:48:19And now that we have Celia in afternoon preschool,
00:48:21all we have to do is unload Juanita,
00:48:24and then we can get back to doing the nasty.
00:48:27This doesn't seem right.
00:48:28Dumping our kid off on some unsuspecting woman
00:48:30so that we can have sex.
00:48:32Wake up.
00:48:33Play dates were invented by mothers for this exact purpose.
00:48:36Shopping, sex, drinking in the afternoon.
00:48:39Play dates make all these things possible.
00:48:41I don't know.
00:48:42I feel bad making my kid play with someone
00:48:44that she obviously doesn't like.
00:48:47Bethany's mom will take Juanita once a week
00:48:49for two whole hours.
00:48:50That is sex and a nap.
00:48:51Juanita, I don't hear you spinning.
00:48:58I don't understand.
00:48:59You said the job was going so well.
00:49:01It was.
00:49:02And three weeks ago,
00:49:03my parole officer left me a message at work.
00:49:06That's when I found out I lied on my application
00:49:08when I said I didn't have a criminal record.
00:49:10So you've been pretending to go to work for three weeks?
00:49:13I know you're angry.
00:49:15Honey, I'm not angry.
00:49:17Honey, I'm hurt that you didn't feel like you could tell me.
00:49:22I was embarrassed.
00:49:24Great, when we married, I was the breadwinner.
00:49:27Now you have your company and you have your book.
00:49:29I'm a felon who can't hold on to a job.
00:49:33Orson, we're partners.
00:49:34We share everything.
00:49:36Any success I have is just as much yours as it is mine.
00:49:41Thank you, darling.
00:49:42So why did the Chamber of Commerce call?
00:49:51Apparently, we've been named Businesswoman of the Year.
00:50:05Enough!
00:50:06You'd be killer in our band.
00:50:17I mean, wouldn't you be killer, Dave?
00:50:18Uh, Donald, why don't you let us talk it over
00:50:20and we'll get back to you.
00:50:21No problem.
00:50:22I have to get back to the office anyway.
00:50:23Quarterly tax time.
00:50:24It's got me swamped.
00:50:25Well, we'll definitely call you today.
00:50:27Thanks, gentlemen.
00:50:28Oh.
00:50:30Don't you think he crushed it?
00:50:32He was good.
00:50:33You know, technically.
00:50:34He didn't really have a heart.
00:50:37What do you mean?
00:50:38When he played Voodoo Child,
00:50:39it was like Hendrix had risen.
00:50:40Hey, what about Mike?
00:50:42I thought that's who we were going to get.
00:50:44Well, I asked, but he said he's too busy.
00:50:46Too busy to live a little not gonna fly.
00:50:49Call him, give him my number.
00:50:50I'll talk to him.
00:50:51Okay, sure.
00:50:52But what about Donald?
00:50:53I mean, because if we don't get Mike,
00:50:54I want to make sure...
00:50:55Tom, Donald's out.
00:50:56All right?
00:51:00Have Mike call me.
00:51:00All right.
00:51:04What a rehearsal.
00:51:14I mean, Dave and I were smoking.
00:51:18Do you hear us?
00:51:20Lynette?
00:51:23Lynette?
00:51:24I'm sorry, what?
00:51:26Never mind.
00:51:28What are you working on?
00:51:29What, is this Bree's ad stuff?
00:51:31Oh, God, no.
00:51:31Her agency really whiffed,
00:51:32so I'm coming up with a whole new campaign.
00:51:35I was looking through my old portfolio for inspiration.
00:51:38Oh, I remember this one.
00:51:40Feet, meet your new best friends.
00:51:42It's a classic.
00:51:43You know, it's been years since I looked through this stuff.
00:51:45I'd forgotten.
00:51:46I was kind of great.
00:51:49You were awesome.
00:51:50I mean, come on.
00:51:50How lucky is Bree to have a neighbor?
00:51:52He used to be a big advertising hotshot.
00:51:53Well, maybe I'm the lucky one.
00:51:55This could be a perfect way for me to stick my toe back in the business.
00:52:01Nothing big.
00:52:02Maybe just pick up some freelance work.
00:52:03But, honey, if you do that,
00:52:05where are you going to find the time for the family and the restaurant?
00:52:08Well, gee, I don't know.
00:52:09I guess the same place that you find time for your garage band.
00:52:13Lynette, I'm just saying that if you...
00:52:14Okay, I dropped off Celia at preschool and Juanita's at her play date.
00:52:25Dropped her off.
00:52:27Why don't you put on that sexy red teddy?
00:52:29Can I ask why?
00:52:30I mean, you can't see it.
00:52:32Yeah, but I can feel it.
00:52:33And I love the sensation of sliding silk off your body.
00:52:38Oh.
00:52:38What's it like, Carlos?
00:52:43What?
00:52:44Sex is a blind man.
00:52:46I mean, it used to be so visual.
00:52:49Is it still as good?
00:52:50It's better.
00:52:51I mean, having to rely on your senses of touch and taste and smell,
00:52:54it's actually way more intense.
00:52:57Really?
00:52:58Oh, you're so lucky.
00:53:00What, you want blind sex?
00:53:03I think I can arrange that.
00:53:04Okay.
00:53:08Hey, there.
00:53:11Looks like somebody's job interview went well.
00:53:14Nope.
00:53:15They turned me down flat.
00:53:16Oh.
00:53:16But as I was driving home, it suddenly hit me.
00:53:18I may be persona non grata at every company in this town,
00:53:21but there's at least one employer I know who would love to hire me.
00:53:24Oh.
00:53:25Who?
00:53:28You.
00:53:30You want to work here?
00:53:32Why not?
00:53:33I'm great with food.
00:53:35I understand business.
00:53:36I can't beat the commute.
00:53:38Well, that's certainly an intriguing notion,
00:53:41but wouldn't it be awkward having me as your boss?
00:53:44Absolutely.
00:53:45But as you said in the park, we share everything.
00:53:49So I would be more of a partner.
00:53:52Partner?
00:53:52Oh.
00:53:53Marie, would you give me a hand with this arrangement?
00:53:57Just a second.
00:53:58I think the lilies need their own boss.
00:54:03You hire him.
00:54:04I will cut you with these scissors.
00:54:05I don't think we need to do that.
00:54:08I think they're crowding the irises out.
00:54:10Just think he's trying to crowd me out.
00:54:12You already have a partner.
00:54:13Remember?
00:54:14Oh.
00:54:14Well, I think the irises and the lilies could work together.
00:54:17Nope.
00:54:18One of them has to go.
00:54:20If I may offer an opinion.
00:54:21Not a good time.
00:54:23Orson.
00:54:25Tell him now, or I will walk.
00:54:30Orson, you really don't want to work with me.
00:54:32I mean, you only see me at home.
00:54:33But at work, when the pressure's on, I can be a bit of a handful.
00:54:36Catherine's seen how I get.
00:54:37Oh, yes.
00:54:38Bitchy.
00:54:39Tyrannical.
00:54:40Shrill.
00:54:40He gets it, Tyr.
00:54:45Honey, you're my partner in life.
00:54:47But if we want to keep it that way, we shouldn't mix marriage and business.
00:54:51But no one else will hire me.
00:54:52Well, you've only been looking for a few weeks.
00:54:55I mean, give it another, say, month or two.
00:54:57And if you still haven't found anything, then we'll revisit the idea.
00:55:01Okay?
00:55:04Okay.
00:55:05It was just a thought.
00:55:06Oh.
00:55:10Oh, so what'd you think?
00:55:17Oh, my God.
00:55:18You were right.
00:55:19Blind sex is incredible.
00:55:21Give me ten more minutes in an energy bar.
00:55:23I'm going to go one more time.
00:55:32No, I think we're done.
00:55:36Honey, what are you doing home?
00:55:38I thought you were at Bethany's.
00:55:40You've got to tell me, Nick.
00:55:41Her mom brought me back.
00:55:42Oh.
00:55:43How long have you been standing there?
00:55:46I don't know.
00:55:47What were you two doing?
00:55:49Um, we were, uh...
00:55:51We were wrestling.
00:55:52Wrestling.
00:55:53Did Daddy hurt you?
00:55:55You were making loud noises.
00:55:57No, no.
00:55:58That wasn't real.
00:56:00Sometimes I fake it when I wrestle with Daddy.
00:56:04Please don't wrestle with Mommy.
00:56:06You're too big.
00:56:07You could hurt her.
00:56:08Yeah, Carlo.
00:56:09Stop that.
00:56:10Okay.
00:56:11Go to your room, and I'm going to bring you something for your tummy.
00:56:16I think she bought it.
00:56:18You mean the story of how Daddy beats up Mommy?
00:56:21Relax.
00:56:21I told her I was fine.
00:56:23Look, I could hear the worry in her voice.
00:56:24Why don't we just tell her the truth?
00:56:26What?
00:56:26That sometimes Mommy rides Daddy like a mechanical bull to get jewelry?
00:56:29She's five.
00:56:30She's too young to understand either half of that.
00:56:32It's the facts of life.
00:56:33She's going to learn them eventually, and it's the most natural thing in the world.
00:56:36Carlos, if she was standing there any longer than five minutes, there was nothing natural
00:56:40about what she saw.
00:56:41By the way, thank you for that.
00:56:50Hello?
00:56:51Hey, it's me.
00:56:52Listen.
00:56:53I've got some free time.
00:56:54So I thought I'd come over and teach MJ how to ride his new bike.
00:56:56Great.
00:56:57He's so excited to learn.
00:56:59Are you sure he's ready to go without training wheels?
00:57:02No, he'll probably have to take a few stills, but luckily he'll have his old man there to
00:57:05pick him up.
00:57:06Yeah, he's been asking when you're coming.
00:57:08I can't wait to tell him.
00:57:10I know he'll be just...
00:57:13What's the matter?
00:57:15Spider.
00:57:16Big one.
00:57:17Gotta go.
00:57:21Mom, you have no training wheels.
00:57:23I know.
00:57:24You're just great.
00:57:25Jackson, can I see you a sec?
00:57:27That was amazing.
00:57:28He learned so fast.
00:57:29Yeah, you know what I learned?
00:57:30Mike is on his way over here to teach his son how to ride the bike he bought.
00:57:34Something he was looking forward to until you ruined it.
00:57:37Why didn't you tell me that?
00:57:38I didn't know I had to tell you not to steal a father's precious moment.
00:57:41MJ, he just kept asking me.
00:57:43He made me do it.
00:57:44You could have walked away.
00:57:45I couldn't.
00:57:46He said please.
00:57:49Damn it.
00:57:51As you can see, the graphic works just as well on a freestanding display unit.
00:57:55Neat, huh?
00:57:57Goodness, Lynette.
00:57:58When you offered to share your thoughts on my campaign, I wasn't expecting anything quite
00:58:01so elaborate.
00:58:02Well, who knew your marketing guys were such lame-os?
00:58:05What they came up with is so tepid.
00:58:08Um, I think understated was what they were going for.
00:58:13Well, they overshot and wound up and bland right on the border of sucky.
00:58:17You need to grab your audience.
00:58:19Just grab them.
00:58:20I've gone for jazzier colors, bolder fonts.
00:58:23Oh, I have really played up the whole nostalgia angle.
00:58:27Let Mrs. Vandekamp turn your oven into a time machine.
00:58:31I see women really responding to that.
00:58:33Do you?
00:58:36Because I see children crawling into ovens, hoping to see dinosaurs.
00:58:42Oh.
00:58:43Okay.
00:58:43Well, I've got a whole bunch of alternatives.
00:58:46Oh, Lynette, I appreciate everything you've done, but I've actually approved the old campaign,
00:58:50and I can't just tell him I've changed my mind.
00:58:53You don't have to.
00:58:53I'll be the bad guy.
00:58:54Just tell him you've hired me, and I'll go in there six guns a-blazing.
00:58:57So, do we have a deal?
00:59:01Just give me the word.
00:59:04No.
00:59:05No?
00:59:06Sorry, but I prefer their campaign.
00:59:09Well, mine is better.
00:59:11Well, you're entitled to think so, but I don't.
00:59:15Look, Bree, I think I know a little more about marketing than you do.
00:59:20When I was in it, I owned this town.
00:59:22I had every big account.
00:59:24Hell, I was even named businesswoman of the year.
00:59:27Oh, well, I'm familiar with that award.
00:59:30In fact, I'm this year's recipient.
00:59:33Really?
00:59:34Yes.
00:59:35There's a luncheon on the 12th.
00:59:36I do hope you can make it.
00:59:38By the way, you're right about those colors.
00:59:43Very jazzy.
00:59:52Come on, MJ.
00:59:53Your daddy's waiting.
00:59:57Mommy, I don't want to fall.
01:00:02Oh, honey.
01:00:04You know how you like to push the button when we go on the elevator, and if somebody else pushes it first, it makes you sad.
01:00:10But I don't want to fall.
01:00:11Just listen.
01:00:12Daddy really wanted to be the one to teach you to ride your bike, and if you can already do it, it's going to make him sad.
01:00:18So just let daddy push the button.
01:00:20Understand?
01:00:21Oh, man.
01:00:31Wow, he's only picking it up fast.
01:00:33Yeah, I think it's just beginner's luck.
01:00:35Are you sure he hasn't been practicing?
01:00:40No, he's absolutely waiting for you.
01:00:42You know, I think I'm going to go check his helmet.
01:00:46What are you doing?
01:00:47We talked about this.
01:00:48You're supposed to be new at it.
01:00:49I don't want to fall.
01:00:50I'm scared.
01:00:51Oh, of what?
01:00:52You're three inches off the ground.
01:00:54You're completely padded.
01:00:55So, just do what I say.
01:00:57Wobble, wobble.
01:00:58Daddy, look at me.
01:00:59Crash.
01:01:03Boy, he was just telling me how glad he is to have his dad here.
01:01:08Really?
01:01:09I almost feel like he doesn't even need me.
01:01:11Oh, that's just silly.
01:01:25Oh, whoops-a-daisy.
01:01:28Oh, it's a good thing your dad's here to teach you how to do it right.
01:01:31Oh, looking good, buddy.
01:01:32But remember, when you stop, you got to put your foot down first, okay?
01:01:36Ow!
01:01:37Oh, what?
01:01:37Does that hurt right there, buddy?
01:01:38Oh, he's fine.
01:01:40No, Mommy, it hurts.
01:01:48This is all my fault.
01:01:49Will you stop?
01:01:50The doctor said it was just a sprain.
01:01:52I know, but still, I shouldn't have pushed it.
01:01:54You know, why look for blame?
01:01:56Kids fall.
01:01:57If you have to find fault, blame the pavement, not yourself or me.
01:02:03Mommy!
01:02:05He should have his pitching arm back in no time.
01:02:08Oh, thank you.
01:02:09But I did want to ask.
01:02:10MJ said that he fell on purpose.
01:02:12Something about you telling him to let Daddy push the elevator button?
01:02:19You told him to fall?
01:02:21Remember, it's the pavement you're mad at.
01:02:23What the hell, Susan?
01:02:24Why would you do something like that?
01:02:26Jackson taught him to ride the bike.
01:02:29Jackson?
01:02:30Who's Jackson?
01:02:32He does sleepovers with Mommy.
01:02:34They drink lots of wine.
01:02:37Hey, Doc, don't you hand out lollipops to brave little boys?
01:02:40I'm sorry.
01:02:45MJ was excited about the bike, so Jackson took off the training wheels and taught him.
01:02:50He didn't know.
01:02:50He didn't know I'd want to be the one to teach my own kid how to ride a bike?
01:02:53Okay, you know what?
01:02:56This is not Jackson's fault.
01:02:58You can't give a five-year-old a bike and expect him to wait to ride it until you have time.
01:03:02You know, this is what it means to be divorced.
01:03:08It means that sometimes you won't be there.
01:03:11I know.
01:03:13It's just harder than I thought it would be.
01:03:20Well, it's hard for me, too.
01:03:24I miss things when he's with you.
01:03:27And I am trying to come to terms with my guilt because I have to.
01:03:36So do you.
01:03:41There's nothing else you can do.
01:03:42That's my cold?
01:03:53Hi, honey. You're home.
01:03:56Sorry, hon.
01:03:58Hi.
01:04:00So did you call?
01:04:01No.
01:04:03Hey, listen to this.
01:04:05Mrs. Hudson's putting her house up for a sale.
01:04:07I think we should buy it.
01:04:09Why?
01:04:10As an investment.
01:04:13I mean, it's fantastic.
01:04:14My friend Mary Alice blew her brains out in this house,
01:04:16and all I'd have to do is let that slip when we get her for a song.
01:04:20Yeah.
01:04:21I don't think so.
01:04:22Well, why not?
01:04:23We'll rent it out.
01:04:24We can make some serious money.
01:04:26Last thing I want to be is a landlord.
01:04:28Get a phone call every time a toilet overflows.
01:04:30That's why we hire a management company.
01:04:32Damn it, Edie!
01:04:32I said no!
01:04:40Why are you yelling at me?
01:04:44I don't know.
01:04:47I'm sorry.
01:04:48I just got a lot of money.
01:04:52I'm sorry.
01:04:52I'm sorry.
01:04:52I'm sorry.
01:04:52I'm sorry.
01:04:53I'm sorry.
01:05:01Okay.
01:05:02Hi, Bethany. I'm here to pick up Juanita. Is she around?
01:05:28Boys have sperm.
01:05:30Excuse me?
01:05:32We need to talk.
01:05:38So apparently, after we had a little chat with Juanita, she went straight to Bethany and passed on the facts of life in excruciating detail.
01:05:44What, did you explain to Peggy why we had the little chat?
01:05:46She didn't want to hear it. Not with Bethany running around the house screaming intercourse at the top of her lungs.
01:05:52So we're out of the play date.
01:05:54Oh, yeah. Way out.
01:05:58Well, I guess it's back to the old schedule of ten minutes of grope and snore at midnight.
01:06:01I'm not going back, Carlos. I can't. If Juanita doesn't get her play date, you're not getting yours.
01:06:05Fine. I will fix it. I just don't know why Peggy's making such a big deal out of this.
01:06:12Spam!
01:06:15Juanita! Stop talking to your sister!
01:06:17Larson, what are you doing in the guest bedroom?
01:06:23I couldn't sleep. You were snoring too loudly.
01:06:27Me? Snoring?
01:06:29Mm. Like a donkey with a head cold.
01:06:32Honey, I don't snore.
01:06:34You can't always hear yourself.
01:06:35But I hear you.
01:06:37Loud and clear.
01:06:41Oh, for heaven's sakes, come back to bed.
01:06:44No.
01:06:46I'm good here.
01:06:47Hey, Mike. Dave Williams.
01:06:58Look, hate to bother you, but I got a busted pipe outside the house.
01:07:02Probably some kids playing a prank.
01:07:03No problem. I'm across town finishing up on another job, so depending on traffic, give me, say, an hour.
01:07:08Oh, thanks. I really appreciate it.
01:07:09So, when Juanita thought that I might be hurting her mother, we decided it was best that she knew the truth.
01:07:29It just seemed like the right thing to do at the time.
01:07:32See, honey, I knew there had to be a rational explanation.
01:07:35Well, I guess under the circumstances, you didn't have any other choice.
01:07:41Yeah. So, do you think there's any chance Juanita could rejoin your playdate?
01:07:47We've talked to her. She will never discuss sex ever again.
01:07:51Not if she wants to see her favorite dolly alive.
01:07:55Gabby, we don't need to let them know all of our parenting secrets.
01:07:58I think that'd be okay. I probably overreacted.
01:08:02Yeah. We just want to keep Bethany's innocence as long as we can.
01:08:05Oh, we totally agree. Kids are forced to grow up way too fast these days.
01:08:09No kidding. I want my girls to believe in Santa Claus as long as possible.
01:08:12They're going to find out soon enough that it's all a lie.
01:08:15What? There's no Santa Claus?
01:08:19So, next playdate's Monday at 1?
01:08:30Wow, whoever did this really went to town.
01:08:32Yeah, I know. Damn kids.
01:08:35By the way, did you put any more thought into joining the band?
01:08:38Oh, man, I'm sorry. I've been meaning to get back to you.
01:08:40I appreciate the offer, but I'm really stretched down these days.
01:08:43Oh, come on. Every man's got time for a little music.
01:08:45Believe me, I'd love to play with you guys, but I live 30 minutes away.
01:08:49An hour in traffic.
01:08:50Every time I've got left, it's for my son.
01:08:52Yeah, I hear you.
01:08:53Hey, you ever looking to live in a little closer by?
01:08:56If the rent price is in this neighborhood, I might play guitar like a rock star,
01:08:59but I don't earn like one.
01:09:02Sorry. I wasn't thinking.
01:09:04That's all right.
01:09:05Appreciate you trying to help.
01:09:08Believe me, I wish I could do more.
01:09:10I've never seen Bree so happy.
01:09:18She's glowing.
01:09:19She won't be glowing when that agency sinks her book.
01:09:23Lynette.
01:09:23I'm telling you, the only thing staler than that ad campaign is this dinner roll.
01:09:27Yeah, and the water was as flat as the ad campaign.
01:09:29Your martini was as dry as the ad campaign.
01:09:31Let it go.
01:09:33Hi, everybody.
01:09:34Hi, beautiful.
01:09:36Um, this is Stu.
01:09:38Lynette Scavo.
01:09:39I thought that might be you.
01:09:40Hey, everyone.
01:09:42This is my old assistant, Stu.
01:09:45Um, Durber.
01:09:47Hey.
01:09:48Well, this was one great guy.
01:09:50He would schlep all the way across town just to get me my Chinese food.
01:09:55So, what are you up to?
01:09:57Actually, Stu's company is doing all my advertising.
01:10:04Your company. You have a company.
01:10:06It's three years now.
01:10:07How about you?
01:10:08Are you still at Portshare Murphy?
01:10:09No, I also went into business for myself.
01:10:13Her place makes the best pizza in town.
01:10:15You own a pizzeria.
01:10:17Well, it's really my husband's.
01:10:19And I'm still doing some freelance stuff.
01:10:21Well, that's great.
01:10:22You know, we're always working late.
01:10:23Oh.
01:10:24Give me a card.
01:10:24We'll order from you some night.
01:10:25Oh.
01:10:26You know, of course, we're across town, so it may be a bit of a schlep.
01:10:29Oh.
01:10:29It's a great kitchen over the night.
01:10:31Yeah.
01:10:31Bree, let me introduce you to some people.
01:10:33Yeah.
01:10:35Great.
01:10:35There's my beautiful wife.
01:10:51What are you up to?
01:10:53Why?
01:10:53Looking for a reason to scream at me?
01:10:55You're right.
01:10:56I was awful the other day.
01:10:58How about I make it up to you by buying you Mrs. Hudson's house?
01:11:02Seriously?
01:11:02Well, I thought about it, and I agree.
01:11:04It's a good investment opportunity.
01:11:06Oh!
01:11:07Oh, thank you!
01:11:10Thank you, thank you.
01:11:13And I promise that we'll rent that place out for top dollar.
01:11:17Oh, I'm not worried about that.
01:11:19But first, I want to do someone a favor.
01:11:27Hi.
01:11:28Where are you?
01:11:29It's after two.
01:11:30I'm getting ready for my job interview.
01:11:32Oh, that's not until four o'clock.
01:11:34I'm reading the company's annual reports.
01:11:36I want to be prepared.
01:11:37Oh, honey, everybody's asking about you.
01:11:41I want you to be here.
01:11:42It's my big day.
01:11:44Well, enjoy it.
01:11:47You've earned it.
01:11:57Oh!
01:11:58You know what this tastes like?
01:12:00More.
01:12:02It seems somebody's taking their designated driver position a little lightly.
01:12:06Stu.
01:12:08Stu is doing Bree's ad campaign.
01:12:11I rode in his hatchback once.
01:12:14It smelled like mushy.
01:12:16I got a Warner.
01:12:17Oh, wait.
01:12:18No, honey.
01:12:18Why don't you wait till after the ceremony?
01:12:20Yeah, just until you can blink both eyes at the same time.
01:12:22You guys, I'm just going to offer her a little advice.
01:12:26Yeesh.
01:12:28Oh.
01:12:31Still waiting.
01:12:32The only thing about the internet is that with a minimal investment, you actually can reach
01:12:35all your specific target audience.
01:12:37Coupons.
01:12:39Coupons.
01:12:40Do a cross-promotion with some of the major food companies.
01:12:44Knock off 20% on some of the items featured in your recipes.
01:12:49Then they do the same towards the purchase of your cookbook.
01:12:55Yeah, our research shows, you know, people aren't so hard on you.
01:12:57Just a bit.
01:12:58Sweet.
01:12:59Just use this place.
01:13:02Annette.
01:13:03You're drunk.
01:13:05Yeah.
01:13:06That's immaterial.
01:13:07What do you think of the coupons?
01:13:09Annette, I am really not able to deal with that right now.
01:13:11Oh, I know.
01:13:14You've got your book and your big fancy award and I'm just a housewife.
01:13:18I never said that.
01:13:19You know, when I had a high-powered career and you were just a housewife, I never looked
01:13:25down on you.
01:13:26If you could all please take your seats, it's time to present our award.
01:13:33You need to leave now.
01:13:36Fine.
01:13:37Don't worry.
01:13:38Even though I'd like to, I'm not going to make some big ugly scene.
01:13:41Hi.
01:13:56Hey, I, um, bought him Jay some stilts.
01:13:59Thought I'd teach him how to use them.
01:14:00Har har.
01:14:01Uh, actually, he's at Juanita's watching a DVD.
01:14:04Do you want me to call him?
01:14:04No.
01:14:05No, it's cool.
01:14:05I just wanted to tell him about my new place.
01:14:08Oh, you're moving again?
01:14:10How far are you going to be away now?
01:14:16The Hudson house?
01:14:17Yeah, she sold it.
01:14:18And Edie told me the new owner wants to rent it, so now I'll have a fighting chance of
01:14:22being around when MJ hits his milestones.
01:14:23Is this okay with you?
01:14:28Yeah.
01:14:29It's great.
01:14:31We'll be like one big, happy, divorced family.
01:14:37Sure.
01:14:39It's a little weird.
01:14:40I, but, you know, MJ will be thrilled, and, yeah, I'm fine with it.
01:14:45Good.
01:14:48So, um, I'll see you around, neighbor.
01:14:58I still think it's strange you won't let me tell Mike that we're the new owners.
01:15:01The man's got a lot of pride.
01:15:03I want him to feel like I'm his neighbor, not his landlord.
01:15:06Landlord?
01:15:07Hell, with the rent we're charging him, you're his fairy godmother.
01:15:10Are I considered an investment in good karma?
01:15:12Screw karma.
01:15:14I finally do something nice in this neighborhood, and I can't even brag about it.
01:15:19The man who is silent in his good deeds is the man who reaps the greatest reward.
01:15:23Hey.
01:15:33Hi.
01:15:34So, give me some guidance.
01:15:36Do I grovel, send flowers, or just move?
01:15:41I'm not angry with you.
01:15:44I'm just sorry that you felt so...
01:15:45Drunk?
01:15:46Jealous?
01:15:48You have nothing to be jealous of.
01:15:50Don't give me that.
01:15:52You're having the kind of success I only dreamed of back in my ad days.
01:15:57But that doesn't mean I look down on you.
01:15:59No.
01:16:00But watching you, I look down on me.
01:16:03When I held your book in my hands, I felt so jealous.
01:16:09My stomach hurt.
01:16:10And I thought if I could just hitch a ride, have a piece of it, I wouldn't feel so bad about your success.
01:16:18For God's sakes, Lynette, stop calling me a success.
01:16:20There's nothing successful about me.
01:16:27My friends think I'm going to drop them.
01:16:29My partner resents me.
01:16:31And my husband...
01:16:32has moved into the guest bedroom.
01:16:36Everything I gain comes at some horrible price, and I'm starting to wonder if any of it's even worth it.
01:16:46It is!
01:16:50You're at the start of an incredible journey, and I am going to be there, every step of the way, cheering you on.
01:16:57Telling anyone who will listen, that the Brie Vandecamp is my friend.
01:17:04Thanks.
01:17:06And the rest of the stuff...
01:17:08You'll find a way to fix it.
01:17:12Just know that all your friends are very proud of you.
01:17:16Bitterly jealous, but proud.
01:17:20If you look closely into the faces of those around you, you will catch a glimpse of a certain green-eyed monster.
01:17:39And then you'll see they envy your career.
01:17:53Your love life.
01:17:54The time you spend with their child.
01:18:11How do you deal with such jealousy?
01:18:19There are many ways.
01:18:21But the best
01:18:24is to simply share
01:18:28what you have.
01:18:40Promise me you'll never leave our bed again.
01:18:43I promise.
01:18:45Partner.
01:18:51.
01:18:59.
01:19:12.
01:19:12.
01:19:13.