Desperate Housewives Season 5 by BSTVSHOWS

BSTVSHOWS

6/21/2025

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00:00:00Five years ago, Susan Delfino gave birth to a son in Delivery Room A of Fairview Memorial Hospital.

00:00:11Moments later, Lila Dash gave birth to a daughter in Delivery Room B.

00:00:18Around 10 the next morning, as the two new mothers were leaving the hospital, they nearly ran into each other.

00:00:29Of course, they never knew this.

00:00:33In fact, Susan and Lila would have been surprised to know how often their paths would cross over the years.

00:00:41They almost met at the local coffee shop,

00:00:46and another time at their veterinarian's office,

00:00:51and again in the bleachers of the Fairview Flyers.

00:00:56But despite these close calls, Susan and Lila never met.

00:01:04Until one Tuesday, when Susan decided to take her husband to a fancy restaurant for their anniversary.

00:01:11At the same time, Lila decided to take her daughter to buy some ice cream.

00:01:17That was the night that Susan Delfino and Lila Dash finally ran into each other.

00:01:23We ran into each other.

00:01:25We ran into each other.

00:01:29We ran into each other.

00:01:37• The anxiety Эта

00:01:59It will happen to all of us eventually.

00:02:15The moment will come when we ask ourselves,

00:02:19Where did the time go?

00:02:23How did the children I once cradled

00:02:26grow up so very quickly?

00:02:33How did the life I dreamt of

00:02:36turn into a career I never expected?

00:02:43And how did that woman I saw each day in the mirror

00:02:46become someone I don't even recognize?

00:02:54Juanita, this dress is awfully tight.

00:02:56I don't think you can get into it.

00:02:57No, it's pretty.

00:02:58I can do it.

00:03:00How's that one fit?

00:03:01Oh, I think we're going to need the next size up.

00:03:08Uh, there is no next size up.

00:03:11They don't make princess dresses for girls over seven.

00:03:14She's only four and a half.

00:03:16Oh.

00:03:16Wow.

00:03:18Look, my daughter was invited to a princess party,

00:03:21so I can't let her be the only girl there without a princess dress.

00:03:24Did you try the costume section?

00:03:26I bet they'd have a Mrs. Shrek dress that would fit her.

00:03:30Why did I take off the dress?

00:03:32We're going.

00:03:32No, I can do it.

00:03:34Look, I feel for you.

00:03:35My niece also has a weight problem.

00:03:37My daughter does not have a weight problem.

00:03:39She has a little baby fat, that's all.

00:03:40In fact, the only problem she has is this store being completely unprepared

00:03:44for a perfectly average four-year-old girl.

00:03:51Just ring it up.

00:03:57No, no, no.

00:03:59Oh, for God's sakes, what's wrong now?

00:04:02Once again, the concept is, sweetie,

00:04:06you're taking the pie out of the oven,

00:04:08your face aglow with surprise.

00:04:10Why am I surprised?

00:04:11Because it turned out so perfectly.

00:04:13Well, that's no surprise.

00:04:14My pies are always perfect.

00:04:17All right, it's your best pie ever.

00:04:20You've topped yourself.

00:04:22And I know this before I've tasted it.

00:04:26Sweetie, just make whatever face you want.

00:04:28I just think you'll sell more cookbooks

00:04:30if you don't look like you just made love to an ice cube.

00:04:35Andrew, dear, I'm going to take a little break.

00:04:37Would you please tell this gentleman

00:04:39that if he calls me sweetie one more time,

00:04:41I'm going to grab his camera and take a picture of his colon?

00:04:46You got that, right?

00:04:52Catherine, hi.

00:04:52What are you doing here?

00:04:53The waiters need to be paid,

00:04:55and you took the key to the cash box.

00:04:56Again?

00:04:57Oh, sorry.

00:04:58Paid for what?

00:04:59The Armenian wedding?

00:05:00Lunch for $300?

00:05:01It was right after the breakfast for the garden club,

00:05:04which you also missed.

00:05:05Look, I'm sorry.

00:05:05I didn't know a photo shoot would take this long.

00:05:07I mean, who knew it would be this hard

00:05:08to pose for a book cover?

00:05:09Oh, you'll be fine.

00:05:11But this one thing you're really good at

00:05:12is posing as a chef.

00:05:15Okay, Catherine.

00:05:16I know this book has been monopolizing my time,

00:05:19and you feel overworked and undervalued,

00:05:20but I do appreciate you.

00:05:22In fact, I have a gift for you.

00:05:24It's the galleys of my new book.

00:05:26Read page two.

00:05:27Catherine Mayfair.

00:05:31A wonderful cook.

00:05:33And an even better friend.

00:05:37You dedicated it to me?

00:05:39Well, you make this all possible.

00:05:42It's the least I could do.

00:05:44Excuse me.

00:05:45Time is money.

00:05:46Chop, chop, sweetie.

00:05:51Andrew, do we have a backup pie?

00:05:54Yes.

00:05:55Yes, we do.

00:05:57Good.

00:05:57And the big blind

00:06:08catches a jack-on-the-river.

00:06:15Preston?

00:06:16Mom.

00:06:17What the hell's going on here?

00:06:19Don't freak out.

00:06:20We're just playing cards.

00:06:21Oh, yeah?

00:06:21Why didn't you play at home?

00:06:22Why didn't you have to sneak in here?

00:06:24Tequila shots by Buffs!

00:06:26Ah, asked and answered.

00:06:31Okay, that's it.

00:06:33Everybody out.

00:06:33Game's over.

00:06:35I can share for a second.

00:06:36Hey, look up here.

00:06:37Mom's here.

00:06:38Party's over.

00:06:39Door's open.

00:06:39Out you go.

00:06:40Go on.

00:06:40Shoot.

00:06:40You guys have pulled a lot of stupid stunts.

00:06:47But this?

00:06:49This?

00:06:50Risking our liquor license?

00:06:52Our livelihood?

00:06:53Who's going to find out?

00:06:54I mean, we've been running this game a month and nobody...

00:06:57Unbelievable.

00:07:00You guys are grounded for two weeks.

00:07:02We have homecoming.

00:07:03Yeah, yeah.

00:07:03Keep complaining.

00:07:04I'd love to make it a year.

00:07:05Now clean this place up.

00:07:06Now!

00:07:15Wow.

00:07:19That was fantastic.

00:07:21Amazing.

00:07:23You were incredible.

00:07:25So were you.

00:07:25Oh, and...

00:07:28Time to go.

00:07:34Susan.

00:07:37You know it's been, what, four months?

00:07:39Are you ever going to let me spend the night?

00:07:41I don't know.

00:07:42Come on.

00:07:43Zippy, zippy.

00:07:43Okay.

00:07:44It's just, you know, girls usually beg me to spend the night.

00:07:48Well, good.

00:07:48Then you shouldn't have any problem finding a place to sleep.

00:07:51Fine.

00:07:52I know the drill.

00:07:52I can't spend the night.

00:07:54I can't meet your friends.

00:07:55I can't meet your son.

00:07:57I'm just wondering, is this ever going to turn into something normal?

00:08:00You know, you're a guy, and we just had hot sex, and I didn't force to hear your cuddle.

00:08:05So run, go, brag to your friend.

00:08:07Look, I like you, and I know you like me, so why can't we be a couple?

00:08:15Because I'm not ready for that.

00:08:18And what we've got, that's all I can handle.

00:08:25Okay, but that's only going to work like five or six hundred more times.

00:08:30Good evening.

00:08:41Can I help you?

00:08:43Wrong question.

00:08:44The question is, can I help you?

00:08:47Look, if you're trying to sell me something, I don't have any money.

00:08:50You do now.

00:08:53I don't understand.

00:08:55I'm here to buy you out of your lease.

00:08:57What?

00:08:58I know.

00:08:59It's sudden.

00:09:00But there's something about this house that, well, just feels like home to me.

00:09:05So I'd like to move in.

00:09:07Tonight.

00:09:07Tonight?

00:09:08Are you crazy?

00:09:10A little bit.

00:09:10Okay, here.

00:09:13I will more than cover your moving expenses.

00:09:15Look, I'm all set up here.

00:09:18Besides, my landlady would never allow it.

00:09:21Why don't you let me worry about her?

00:09:23No, I don't have anywhere else to go.

00:09:26I think you should leave.

00:09:30Look, Raymond.

00:09:33How do you know my name?

00:09:34I made you a very generous offer.

00:09:35And I just know you're going to make the right decision.

00:09:39Five.

00:09:41Five what?

00:09:41What are you talking about?

00:09:43Four.

00:09:44Are you?

00:09:44I don't understand.

00:09:46Three.

00:09:46Okay, hang on for a second.

00:09:49Two.

00:09:53Raymond, thank you very much.

00:09:58Here you go.

00:09:59Take care.

00:10:00Take care.

00:10:00I'll take care of, Mrs. Williams.

00:10:10Thank you, Mr. Williams.

00:10:17The next morning, Edie Britt decided to announce her return to Wisteria Lane in a way that was guaranteed to make a big splash.

00:10:30Okay, you're not going to believe this, but she's back.

00:10:47Edie, is that really you?

00:11:04You know someone else my age with a body like this?

00:11:07So, you're back?

00:11:09What happened to your tenant?

00:11:10He, uh, came into some money and decided to move.

00:11:13We thought, what the heck, let's move back.

00:11:16Oui.

00:11:18Oh, you don't know.

00:11:19I have a husband now.

00:11:20Really?

00:11:21Whose?

00:11:24So, I'm in Vegas talking to this real estate convention.

00:11:27I do a little motivational speaking.

00:11:28And there, sixth row, center aisle, is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.

00:11:33So, after I finish, I walk into the audience and I ask this goddess out.

00:11:37His seminar was called Getting What You Want.

00:11:41And he did.

00:11:43Three times.

00:11:44Before dinner.

00:11:46Well, it's certainly nice to meet you, Dave, and let us be the first to welcome you to Wisteria Lane.

00:11:51Oh, you know what?

00:11:51We should have a dinner or something.

00:11:52Oh, let's make it a party.

00:11:54We could do it at my restaurant.

00:11:55We'd be honored.

00:11:57So, Gabby, I have to ask, what the hell happened to you?

00:12:02And look at you, your clothes, your hair.

00:12:06Carlos might be blind, but the rest of us aren't.

00:12:09I had two children.

00:12:10For what?

00:12:11Breakfast?

00:12:12Edie?

00:12:13On your first date back in the neighborhood?

00:12:19You're right.

00:12:21I'm sorry, Gabby.

00:12:22It was rude and insensitive, and it won't happen again.

00:12:26Really?

00:12:27You okay?

00:12:32Now, shouldn't we offer your friends something to eat?

00:12:34Oh, I baked some muffins.

00:12:41Please don't take this the wrong way, but we love you.

00:12:52Mijita, lunch is ready.

00:12:53Go get your sister.

00:12:54Carlos, what's with all the cheese?

00:13:02You know how Juanita feels about Brussels sprouts.

00:13:04I'm just trying to make vegetables more fun.

00:13:05Well, next time, give her a carrot and put her on a roller coaster.

00:13:08Have you tried to lift her lately?

00:13:09I know she's gotten chubby.

00:13:11She'll grow out of it.

00:13:12We can only hope with your DNA running through her veins.

00:13:15Hey, I do not have fat DNA.

00:13:17Oh, don't make me pull out the Solis family photo album.

00:13:20It's like a bunch of sea lions posing on a rock.

00:13:22Well, I'm sorry my relatives don't measure up to the group of stick-thin drunks that you come from.

00:13:26All I'm saying is that our daughter has a weight problem, and the sooner we admit it, the better.

00:13:31She's only four.

00:13:33But, you know, you want her to develop a weight problem?

00:13:35Go ahead, nag.

00:13:36Criticize.

00:13:36Make her feel self-conscious.

00:13:38See what happens.

00:13:39And obviously, I'm not getting through the twins, because no matter what I say, they keep pulling this crap, and I am sick of it.

00:13:51Honey, could you?

00:13:53Sorry.

00:13:54Yeah.

00:13:55So, you want me to talk to them?

00:13:56You have to.

00:13:57I'm tired of being the bad cop.

00:13:59You walk the beat for a while.

00:14:01Fine.

00:14:01You know, boys this age, they're more likely to listen to their dads anyway.

00:14:04I can handle this.

00:14:06I really appreciate it.

00:14:07Honey, you know what I'd appreciate?

00:14:09Get in.

00:14:10Sorry.

00:14:18So, Kirby has aces in the hole, which means that Bobby will have to wear a dress to school on Monday.

00:14:24Oh, no.

00:14:25Okay.

00:14:26You've got to get a picture of that.

00:14:30Tom.

00:14:32Can I talk to you in a sec?

00:14:33Yeah.

00:14:35Don't you think you were kind of sending the wrong message in there?

00:14:38No, we don't approve of what they did, but you've got to admit, come on, starring in their own casino is kind of creative.

00:14:44Yeah, creative like selling fake IDs was creative, and hot wiring McCluskey's car, that was a work of art.

00:14:49Honey, honey, this is nothing like that.

00:14:52I mean, look, the whole school is talking about their car game.

00:14:55Do you realize it was like the place to be on a Monday night?

00:14:58Oh, my God.

00:15:01What?

00:15:02You think they're cool.

00:15:04Well, yeah.

00:15:05No, I mean you think they're cool and that you want to be them.

00:15:09Oh, please.

00:15:10You do.

00:15:11This is Tom, former high school nerd living vicariously through his awesome-ass kids.

00:15:16Hey, I was plenty cool in high school.

00:15:18Are we redefining cool to include playing trombone in the marching band?

00:15:24Okay, hey, you're overreacting.

00:15:28They're a little high-spirited, but I trust them, so I've decided to unground them for the homecoming dance.

00:15:33But I told them they couldn't go.

00:15:35And you told me to handle it, and I just did.

00:15:38Oh, by the way, it wasn't a trombone.

00:15:43It was a tuba.

00:15:45Know your brass.

00:15:58Juanita!

00:15:59You said I could have paid.

00:16:01I know, but so much.

00:16:03You could have gone back for a second piece.

00:16:05This is my second piece.

00:16:15And it's not Juanita's in all these kind of situations.

00:16:17I blame the parents.

00:16:18Look, my kid would eat sugar all day long if I let her.

00:16:21Gabby's obviously one of those moms who just can't say no.

00:16:24It's a shame, too.

00:16:26Juanita's such a pretty face.

00:16:33I'm back.

00:16:34You want something cold?

00:16:37Actually, I'm in the mood for something hot.

00:16:46You know, this is why it's taken four months to get my house painted.

00:16:51Haven't you ever heard that expression?

00:16:53You can have it done fast, or you can have it done right.

00:16:57I think I'll have it done right now.

00:16:58Hey, Susan?

00:17:04Uh, but it's not really a good time.

00:17:06I just need five seconds to bitch about Tom, and then I'll...

00:17:09Oh, my God.

00:17:11Your painter isn't done yet?

00:17:12Uh, yeah.

00:17:17He's hard to keep track of.

00:17:19Well, anyway, Tom refuses to acknowledge that the twins are turning into two hundred delinquents.

00:17:25Just the other one.

00:17:25Oh, you poor thing.

00:17:26You need a hug.

00:17:27Have you been drinking?

00:17:44Sorry to a barge, Dana.

00:17:45Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

00:17:46Okay, any time that you need to talk, you just ring my bell.

00:17:50And wait.

00:17:52Okay, new rule.

00:17:53From now on, sex only happens in the bedroom.

00:17:55Door closed between the hours of 7 and 10 p.m.

00:17:58You know what?

00:17:58It'd be a hell of a lot easier for me to follow the rules if I knew why they existed.

00:18:03I just don't want my friends to know.

00:18:05Why?

00:18:06You ashamed of me?

00:18:07No, of course not.

00:18:10This is complicated.

00:18:11I'm just a simple guy, so I can't be your dirty little secret.

00:18:16I need more from you.

00:18:21I'm sorry.

00:18:21I can't give that to you.

00:18:26Honey, I know you want to go home and watch your cartoons, but you had a lot of cake, so

00:18:31I was thinking I'd take you to the park.

00:18:33That way you could run around and get some nice, fun exercise.

00:18:38No.

00:18:39You sure?

00:18:40Running around in the sun in fresh air would make you feel good.

00:18:45Nope.

00:18:47Okay.

00:18:48Why don't you go throw that in the trash, and I'm going to get the car started.

00:19:04Hey, Juanita.

00:19:05Want to play a new game on the way home?

00:19:09Winner gets a new doll.

00:19:11Okay.

00:19:12Come on, then.

00:19:19Hey!

00:19:25Mommy, what are you doing?

00:19:28It's a new game I invented, and you're winning one to nothing.

00:19:31Nothing.

00:19:31Catherine, fantastic news.

00:19:43What's Cooking Fairview is sending out a camera crew tomorrow to do a piece on me and the book.

00:19:47Oh, which I just finished this morning.

00:19:49You read it already?

00:19:50Yes, I couldn't put it down.

00:19:52But I have to tell you, at least a dozen recipes are missing a pretty crucial ingredient.

00:19:57Really?

00:19:59What?

00:20:00My name.

00:20:02Excuse me?

00:20:03Brie, your book is filled with recipes that we developed together.

00:20:06And some of them are flat out mine.

00:20:07Oh, don't be silly.

00:20:08I may have based a few on your recipes, but I always change something.

00:20:12Like what?

00:20:12The font?

00:20:14Now, what difference between this meatloaf recipe and mine?

00:20:16Well, yours calls for minced curly-leaf parsley.

00:20:18Mine calls for minced flat-leaf.

00:20:20It's minced.

00:20:21Who can tell the difference?

00:20:22Brie, you have recipes in here you can't even make.

00:20:25Never anything so absurd.

00:20:27The croquembush cake with the spun-sugar netting?

00:20:30I've never once seen you work with molten sugar.

00:20:32I always make that cake.

00:20:33Really, Catherine?

00:20:34Just because I let you execute a few eye-catching garnishes that gratify your need to show off

00:20:39doesn't mean that I can't do them just as well myself.

00:20:42You let me?

00:20:44I thought we were partners.

00:20:46We are.

00:20:48That's why your name is on the dedication page.

00:20:53You were right about the dedication, Brie.

00:20:55It really was the least you could do.

00:21:04Wow!

00:21:0518 to 0!

00:21:07Two more points and you'll break the record.

00:21:09Mommy, I'm tired!

00:21:11Really?

00:21:12I thought running through that guy's sprinkler would have refreshed you.

00:21:15Now, come on!

00:21:16No!

00:21:18Uh-oh!

00:21:19Looks like Mommy's gonna score her first two points!

00:21:23Come on, Juanita!

00:21:24Show Mommy what a winner you are!

00:21:36Juanita!

00:21:37What are you doing?

00:21:38Juanita!

00:21:40Juanita, stop!

00:21:53Juanita!

00:21:54Juanita!

00:21:55Juanita!

00:21:58And while I thought grounding you was an appropriate punishment,

00:22:01your dad convinced me I was being a little too hard on you guys.

00:22:04Absolutely.

00:22:05And so we have decided to let you go to the homecoming dance room.

00:22:08That's right!

00:22:09Oh-ho!

00:22:11In your father's convertible.

00:22:14Um, hold on, what?

00:22:16Come on, Tom.

00:22:17I mean, we trust them, right?

00:22:18Yes, yes.

00:22:19I would trust them more if they were driving your car.

00:22:22No, you don't want two cool kids pulling up to homecoming in a mom car.

00:22:28Especially that big dent they put in it last month.

00:22:29Here you go.

00:22:30Yeah, thanks.

00:22:32Don't thank me.

00:22:33Thank your father.

00:22:34Thanks, Dad.

00:22:34You're welcome.

00:22:34Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

00:22:36Here, some ground rules.

00:22:37No money shoes on my floor mats.

00:22:39Mom, relax.

00:22:42You high-spirited kids, do whatever it takes to have fun.

00:22:50And in three, two, one...

00:22:53Welcome back to What's Cooking, Fairview.

00:22:55We're talking with Bree Vandekamp, Fairview's premier caterer,

00:22:58who's about to publish her very first cookbook.

00:23:01Bree, could you show us inside?

00:23:03This is my kitchen.

00:23:05And this is my staff.

00:23:07The most gifted, hard-working team a cook could ever have hoped for.

00:23:12I cannot say enough good things about them.

00:23:15So which one of you has worked with Bree the longest?

00:23:17That would be me.

00:23:19So tell me, what's it really like working with Bree?

00:23:25It's inspiring.

00:23:27There's absolutely nothing she can't do.

00:23:31I'm blushing.

00:23:32Working with her has been such an education that I...

00:23:38God, are you all right?

00:23:41I think I strained my wrist.

00:23:42God, it hurts.

00:23:43Oh, you poor dear.

00:23:44Could someone please get some ice?

00:23:45Oh, and I was just about to put the spun sugar netting on her famous crocambouche.

00:23:55Would you mind doing it?

00:23:59Catherine, I'm sure your wrist is just fine.

00:24:02No, it's really throbbing.

00:24:05Okay.

00:24:06It looks like Bree to the rescue.

00:24:07I'm sure you get this.

00:24:10Really something to see.

00:24:17The secret to spinning sugar is a special whisk that makes lovely gossamer threads.

00:24:23Careful, dear.

00:24:30They're clumping.

00:24:32Can you see that?

00:24:33No!

00:24:36This stuff's hot.

00:24:37Sorry.

00:24:40Oops.

00:24:41So that's your idea of exercise, having to run after a car?

00:24:50Carlos, our daughter sucked down half a sheet cake, and afterwards no one could find the candles.

00:24:55Wake up!

00:24:56We have got a problem!

00:24:57I just don't think the solution is to humiliate her.

00:25:00Even if she's heavy, doesn't she have the right to feel good about herself?

00:25:03Hey, I'm protecting her.

00:25:05She doesn't know the truth yet.

00:25:07Women only have five seconds to be young and beautiful, and then it's gone.

00:25:11And then before you know it, we're old and fat and married and wondering where our beauty went.

00:25:16Oh, Gabby.

00:25:18No, Carlos, I mean, sometimes I'm glad you can't see me.

00:25:22Five years and two kids and no time for facials or the gym.

00:25:26It just takes a toll.

00:25:32When Edie saw me the other day, it was like she didn't even recognize me.

00:25:37Okay, listen to me.

00:25:41Nobody knows your face better than I do.

00:25:44I see it every time I kiss you.

00:25:46In five years or 50, you will always be beautiful.

00:25:53Hear me?

00:25:53And now, to finish, you simply transfer your spun sugar to the croquembouche

00:26:03and gracefully drape it around in a delicate swirl.

00:26:09Oh, did I mention that you probably shouldn't be wearing jewelry while working with spun sugar?

00:26:26Well, there's no law that says it has to be a delicate veil.

00:26:29I mean, it could really just be a beautiful, um, little, uh, white ribbon.

00:26:38Turn off the damn camera.

00:26:39Actually, my wrist is feeling a little better.

00:26:43Why don't I give it a shot?

00:26:52What you doing?

00:26:54Okay, where are they?

00:26:55It's 30 minutes past curfew.

00:26:57Actually, it's 32.

00:27:00If there is a single scratch on that car, I mean, after all the time that I spent restoring that thing...

00:27:05Yeah.

00:27:06Remember when you spent the entire day on the internet trying to find a new gear shift, Mom?

00:27:12Worst anniversary ever.

00:27:14I cannot believe that you did this to me.

00:27:17I know.

00:27:18That car is your baby.

00:27:19If only there was something I felt that intensely about.

00:27:25Oh, wait, there is.

00:27:26My actual babies.

00:27:28You think I don't care about our boys?

00:27:30I know you love them, but sometimes you find them so cool and entertaining, you forget to parent them.

00:27:36No, listen.

00:27:39This is important.

00:27:42When they were little, and they'd act out, and we'd always say,

00:27:45Relax, they're young.

00:27:47When they're older, they'll get it.

00:27:48Well, Tom, they're 16 now.

00:27:52Not getting it.

00:27:54We have a lot of work to do in a very short time,

00:27:57and if you and I aren't in sync, I'm afraid it's not going to happen.

00:28:13Hey, sorry, Willis.

00:28:15Yeah, but Dad, you have to hear this story.

00:28:17We just pulled up at an intersection, and there were these two hot girls.

00:28:21I don't want to hear it.

00:28:22You ever hear of a thing called a cell phone?

00:28:24We're only like 35 minutes late.

00:28:26Yeah, 35 minutes, during which time your mother and I have been worried sick.

00:28:31But Dad...

00:28:31You broke the rules.

00:28:32There are consequences.

00:28:33We're both grounded for a month.

00:28:38This sucks.

00:28:40You're only doing this because you were worried about your precious car.

00:28:43You think?

00:28:44Yeah.

00:28:44Any other opinions you'd like to share?

00:29:08You didn't have to...

00:29:11That mirror was scratched.

00:29:13I already ordered a new one.

00:29:17Mrs. McCluskey, you're still alive.

00:29:33Oh, it's nice to see you too, Edie.

00:29:36This is my husband, Dave Williams.

00:29:38So how did you two meet?

00:29:39You run a free clinic or something?

00:29:42I'm sorry, who are you?

00:29:43Terry McCluskey.

00:29:44Edie's best friend down the street.

00:29:46Oh, it's a real pleasure to meet you.

00:29:52What are you doing here?

00:29:54I just need to talk to you.

00:29:56Here, go home, I'll call you.

00:29:58When?

00:29:59I don't know.

00:30:00Later.

00:30:00Just go.

00:30:07I have to say, ladies,

00:30:09this is quite a shindig.

00:30:12Glad you're enjoying yourself.

00:30:13Yeah, I mean, there's really not a lot of people

00:30:14who go to this much trouble to say they're sorry.

00:30:19Excuse me?

00:30:20Well, the party.

00:30:21It's just a beautiful way to apologize.

00:30:25Edie, this is not a we're sorry party.

00:30:27This is a we forgive you party.

00:30:31You forgive me?

00:30:33Well, I think what Gabby means is

00:30:35you were fairly awful to us right before you left.

00:30:37And this is our way of welcoming you back

00:30:40to hopefully not do it again.

00:30:43You've got to be kidding.

00:30:46You froze me out.

00:30:48You threatened to ruin my business

00:30:50and you ran me out of town.

00:30:52You know, it's taken me five years

00:30:54to stop hating you.

00:30:56Great party, ladies.

00:30:58Thank you very much.

00:30:59Now, mind if I steal my wife?

00:31:02Sweetheart?

00:31:02Oh, good.

00:31:08Yeah, I like it.

00:31:10You're not your painter.

00:31:14Is it?

00:31:15I can't tell.

00:31:25Excuse me.

00:31:26What do you say?

00:31:28All right, calm down.

00:31:40I'll take care of it.

00:31:42You, come with me.

00:31:45Why would you humiliate me

00:31:47in front of my friends?

00:31:48Are you a lunatic?

00:31:48I'm just trying to get through to you

00:31:52and, yeah, it's making me kind of crazy.

00:31:57Susan, why can't I meet your friends?

00:32:00I mean, am I really that horrible?

00:32:01No, of course not.

00:32:02My friends would love you.

00:32:03Then what is the problem?

00:32:05The problem is if you meet my friends,

00:32:08then we're in a relationship

00:32:09and I can't be in a relationship right now.

00:32:12But I promise I'll make you very happy.

00:32:15Well, maybe I don't deserve to be happy.

00:32:16A few years ago,

00:32:33there was this car accident.

00:32:37A bad one.

00:32:40Take the high road.

00:32:42Did you hear what those smug bitches said to me?

00:32:44E.D., it's important these people like us.

00:32:46It's our home now.

00:32:47I never should have let you

00:32:48talk me into moving back here.

00:32:49Why?

00:32:50Why were you so gung-ho on Mysteria Lane?

00:32:53Listen to your husband.

00:32:54We can be happy here.

00:32:57But we need these people to like us.

00:32:59Why?

00:33:02It'll just make everything easier.

00:33:07That was an accident.

00:33:09Susan, you can't feel guilty about it.

00:33:11You know what, Jackson?

00:33:11You're not going to say anything I haven't already heard a million times.

00:33:14I only told you because I...

00:33:17I just want you to understand why I can't let you in my life.

00:33:23Do you mind if I hang out for the next few months

00:33:29and see if you change your mind?

00:33:31Yeah, I guess I could handle that.

00:33:43Well, why don't you go have fun with your friends

00:33:46and just call me when you're free?

00:33:48Okay.

00:33:49Please, Danielle, you have no right to take him.

00:34:13I have every right.

00:34:14He's my kid.

00:34:15Danielle, we agreed I would raise him.

00:34:17We agreed it would be best.

00:34:18You said it would be best.

00:34:19I've had no say in anything.

00:34:21But I am married now, and Leo's a lawyer,

00:34:23so do yourself a favor and don't try to fight this.

00:34:27Please, Danielle, we can have any arrangement you like.

00:34:30Please just don't take him!

00:34:31For God's sakes!

00:34:33Orson's gone.

00:34:34You kids are grown, but it's all I have.

00:34:37You're just going to have to find something else.

00:34:39Okay.

00:34:43Honey, come to bed.

00:34:44It's after two.

00:34:49The cooking show agreed to redo my segment.

00:34:51I want to make sure it's perfect this time.

00:34:54Well, I won't tell you how to run your business.

00:34:57It's your baby.

00:35:02Yes, it is.

00:35:03I'll tell you how to run your response.

00:35:24Hey, MJ ready?

00:35:43Yeah, he's upstairs waiting for you.

00:35:51I told you the bricks were squeaking.

00:35:52And I asked you to get them checked.

00:35:54And I checked them.

00:35:56I meant a mechanic, not you.

00:35:58It was not the bricks, Susan.

00:36:00If it had been, it wouldn't have mattered.

00:36:01They crashed into us.

00:36:02And we killed them, Mike.

00:36:04We didn't kill them.

00:36:05They died.

00:36:06They were a mother and a child.

00:36:08She was a mother, just like me, with a child just like ours.

00:36:12And if it weren't for us, they would still be alive.

00:36:14We have been over and over this, Susan.

00:36:16It's like you want to suffer.

00:36:19It's like you don't care at all.

00:36:20You feel nothing for those people.

00:36:22I can't do this again.

00:36:23I just can't.

00:36:32Hey, did you pack your dinosaur book so you can read it with your daddy?

00:36:36Sure did.

00:36:37Oh, good.

00:36:38Okay, you have fun, sweetie.

00:36:42So, I'll probably bring them back Sunday around six or so.

00:36:45Fine.

00:36:45Well, have a good weekend.

00:36:50Do anything special?

00:36:53Well, I sort of started seeing someone.

00:36:58So, I might do something with him.

00:37:03Good for you.

00:37:03It goes by so quickly.

00:37:19In a flash, the life we knew is gone forever.

00:37:23And we're left to ask ourselves.

00:37:28How could he have left me?

00:37:35When did my beauty start to fade?

00:37:41Why has my friend changed?

00:37:43Was I the best mother I could have been?

00:37:53Of course, there are some people who understand how quickly time passes.

00:38:02That's why they're so determined to get what they want.

00:38:05Before it's too late.

00:38:13Dr. Heller, I've been meaning to call you.

00:38:15Yeah, I was getting concerned you're required to check in once a month.

00:38:19It was a condition of your release.

00:38:21Oh, come on.

00:38:22That was a year ago.

00:38:23But to be honest, the meds are working so well, I kind of forgot about you.

00:38:26No offense.

00:38:27Dave, once a month.

00:38:29Not optional.

00:38:31Message received, Doc.

00:38:32But seriously, you don't need to worry about me.

00:38:34I'm great.

00:38:36I'll talk to you in a month.

00:38:46Just tell me, what are the magic words that I've got to say so you'll let me out of here?

00:38:49Dave, you've been here six weeks, and you don't seem any closer to coming to terms with your rage.

00:38:55I've come to terms with it.

00:38:56And I like it just the way it is.

00:38:59The charges were dropped because you agreed to put yourself in a doctor's care.

00:39:03I'm not going to authorize your release until I see some real progress.

00:39:07What's progress supposed to look like to you, Doc?

00:39:09I mean, should I just plaster some fake smile on my face and pretend that this thing that's inside me isn't eating me alive?

00:39:14Because I can do that if you want.

00:39:15I need to make sure you're not a danger to yourself or to others.

00:39:18Listen, I've never been a danger to myself.

00:39:23And as far as the others are concerned,

00:39:25there's only one person who should be worried.

00:39:28Desperate Housewives

00:39:30Previously on Desperate Housewives,

00:39:35lives change in five years.

00:39:37Some families grow,

00:39:39while others grow apart.

00:39:41So, I'll probably bring them back someday around six or so.

00:39:44Fine.

00:39:45And we find ways...

00:39:46It's not really a good time.

00:39:47...to ease the pain.

00:39:49Yes, in five years...

00:39:51Edie, is that really you?

00:39:53I have a husband now.

00:39:54...many things change.

00:39:55You're required to check in once a month.

00:39:57It was a condition of your release.

00:40:03All in all, Susan Meyer's boyfriend knew he had a lot going for him.

00:40:09He was romantic.

00:40:13Had a nice smile.

00:40:17And was consistently thoughtful.

00:40:19Yes, Jax and Braddock had many wonderful attributes.

00:40:26Sadly, a sense of timing wasn't one of them.

00:40:30Hello.

00:40:32Hi.

00:40:34Can I help you?

00:40:35I guess you could tell Susan I'm here.

00:40:37Okay.

00:40:38Uh, who are you?

00:40:40Oh, I'm Mike.

00:40:42The ex-husband.

00:40:43Ah.

00:40:43I, uh, I take it you're...

00:40:45Uh, Jackson.

00:40:47I'm, uh, Susan's, uh...

00:40:50Friend?

00:40:51Friend.

00:40:51That's right.

00:40:53Wow.

00:40:54Could this be any more awkward?

00:40:56Well, your robe's open, so yeah.

00:40:57Ahem.

00:40:59Yep.

00:41:00Give me the judge.

00:41:01I don't know.

00:41:01I miss me.

00:41:01I'm pretty good.

00:41:03I got you.

00:41:03Come on.

00:41:06Come on.

00:41:07Come on.

00:41:09Come on.

00:41:10Come on.

00:41:11Come on.

00:41:12Come on.

00:41:13Hey, your ex-husband is...

00:41:19Mike.

00:41:20Uh, what's going on?

00:41:22I was just returning MJ's video game.

00:41:24He left it at my house.

00:41:25Oh, thanks.

00:41:27So, I guess you met Jackson?

00:41:29Yeah.

00:41:30Nice legs.

00:41:31Uh.

00:41:32Clearly, this is not how I would have wanted the two of you to meet.

00:41:35He's...

00:41:36He's a really nice guy.

00:41:38Yeah, well, just to make sure I'm gonna need to hang with him a little bit and check him out.

00:41:41Uh...

00:41:41Oh, I don't know that that's necessary.

00:41:44If he's sleeping in the same house as my son, I think it is.

00:41:46Oh, well, first off, um, MJ was at a sleepover last night, and in fact, Jackson and he haven't even met.

00:41:53So, uh, there's really no need for you to be hanging or checking.

00:41:56No, I just tell Jackson I'll pick him up here tomorrow night.

00:42:02Hey, hold on.

00:42:04You don't get to just decide these things by yourself.

00:42:08You remember how nice I was about our custody agreement?

00:42:11I can't haul you back to court tomorrow if I'm not 100% satisfied with who you exposed my son to.

00:42:17Got it?

00:42:18Ah, I'm sorry.

00:42:27It's so not how I wanted to meet your ex for the first time.

00:42:30Well, I'll meet him for the second time.

00:42:32You can tell him that.

00:42:33He's picking you up here tomorrow night.

00:42:36What?

00:42:37I'll explain over breakfast.

00:42:40Did you get the paper?

00:42:41And that is how Jackson Braddock realized he needed better timing.

00:42:51Who are you?

00:42:53And a longer robe.

00:42:55If there is one thing everyone in suburbia can appreciate, it's a good neighbor.

00:43:12You know, the kind that helps with the last bag of groceries.

00:43:17Or brings over misplaced mail.

00:43:21Or offers to mow your lawn.

00:43:23Yes, everyone appreciates a good neighbor.

00:43:28You are so sweet to do this.

00:43:30I just know how tricky these bulbs can be.

00:43:33And no one knew this better than Dave Williams,

00:43:36who was determined to be the best neighbor Wisteria Lane had ever seen.

00:43:42Assuming, of course, his wife didn't get in the way.

00:43:48What's going on?

00:43:49Packing our bags.

00:43:50Karen McCluskey insulted me again, and I can't put up with it anymore.

00:43:53All right, what did she say to you this time?

00:43:55Nothing.

00:43:56It doesn't matter.

00:43:57We are moving.

00:43:58Adults don't pack up and move because of some good-natured teasing.

00:44:02She said that my breasts were a triumph of German engineering.

00:44:05You call that good-natured?

00:44:07Come on, she's a cranky old lady.

00:44:09It's not just her, it's all of them.

00:44:11I mean, it's been five years.

00:44:13I have changed.

00:44:14But the people on this street don't care.

00:44:16To them, I will always be a joke.

00:44:21I'm sorry you had a bad day.

00:44:23Please don't use your motivational voice.

00:44:26I really hate that.

00:44:27You're upset, and you're tired.

00:44:30Why don't you take a nice hot shower, and I'll make us some lunch.

00:44:34Does that sound good?

00:44:35I just never understood it.

00:44:43We could have gone and lived in any city in this country.

00:44:49Why did you insist on living here?

00:44:51Because we can be happy here.

00:44:53You just need to give it some time.

00:44:55I promise, I'll personally see to it that people start treating you with a little more respect.

00:45:04You didn't answer my question.

00:45:07Didn't I?

00:45:21Carlos, we got invited to Michelle Downing's party!

00:45:24I'm going to have to buy something nice.

00:45:28Gabby, I'm giving a massage.

00:45:30I can see that.

00:45:31I can see a lot of things.

00:45:33Things that can never be unseen.

00:45:35Sorry.

00:45:36I guess the towel must have rode up.

00:45:40Carlos, kitchen.

00:45:42Now.

00:45:45I know you don't like it when I work down here, but he couldn't get up the stairs.

00:45:48He's got a bum hip.

00:45:49He's also missing a testicle.

00:45:51Carlos, how much more of this am I supposed to take?

00:45:53Okay, okay.

00:45:54Maybe I can set up my table in the garage.

00:45:56No, that's only part of the problem.

00:45:58Have you checked our bank balance lately?

00:46:01Gabby, I am not taking the country club job.

00:46:04Why not?

00:46:05You be massaging rich people.

00:46:06They tip better and they tend to flake less.

00:46:08Yeah, but I like working here.

00:46:10I get to spend lots of time with you and the kids.

00:46:12Carlos, I don't need to spend lots of time with you.

00:46:14And frankly, the kids are on the fence.

00:46:16Gabby.

00:46:16Bottom line, I miss our life.

00:46:18I miss shopping.

00:46:20All I have to look forward to is the occasional invitation to a fancy party.

00:46:23And I can't even afford a dress to go to it.

00:46:26Carlos, please.

00:46:27I'm begging you.

00:46:28Fine.

00:46:29I will take the job.

00:46:34Sorry.

00:46:34Ah, no.

00:46:43Come on.

00:46:45I really don't think Mike's going to care what shirt I wear.

00:46:48Well, I do.

00:46:49We need a shirt that says I'm a responsible citizen, not my favorite clothing store also sells bongs.

00:46:56Are you dissing my sense of style?

00:46:58Absolutely.

00:46:59Put this on.

00:47:00Now, let's talk about acceptable topics of conversation.

00:47:05You like sports, right?

00:47:07Yeah.

00:47:07I'm a huge soccer fan.

00:47:08No, you're not.

00:47:09You like football.

00:47:10American football.

00:47:11Specifically the Colts.

00:47:12Okay.

00:47:13And here's some other things you can talk about.

00:47:14Cars.

00:47:15Barbecue.

00:47:16Fishing.

00:47:17How about fire?

00:47:18Mike liked dog fire.

00:47:19Jackson, please take this seriously.

00:47:21I am.

00:47:22I'm just, I'm not going to pretend to be somebody I'm not.

00:47:25If he doesn't like me, what's he going to do?

00:47:27He could take me to court.

00:47:28And the judge can make me choose between you and my son.

00:47:31And I'm sorry, you will lose.

00:47:34Peyton Manning is the greatest quarterback who ever lived.

00:47:42Now go shave.

00:47:43You look like a hobo.

00:47:50Hey.

00:47:53You got a sec?

00:47:55Not really.

00:47:55So, I assume you know about what happened to Jimmy Conrado?

00:48:01I guess.

00:48:02Your friend gets busted for dealing drugs at school and all you have to say is, I guess?

00:48:07He's not my friend.

00:48:09What are you talking about?

00:48:10You were in the same little league team.

00:48:11Yeah, like a million years ago.

00:48:13Anything else?

00:48:17No.

00:48:19Not really.

00:48:20Hey, Parker.

00:48:26Can I ask you something?

00:48:28Just between us.

00:48:30Does Porter hang out with Jimmy Conrado?

00:48:32I don't know.

00:48:32I could check his friends list on Silver Fizz.

00:48:34His what on what?

00:48:38It's like MySpace.

00:48:39You have a web page.

00:48:40It shows your hobbies, your favorite music, and you can talk to people.

00:48:44Really?

00:48:45Can anyone talk to him?

00:48:46Yeah, he just has to invite you.

00:48:49And, uh, how would somebody make that happen?

00:48:56Now, it's just a mock-up, but this is what the book is going to look like.

00:49:00Mom, that's fantastic.

00:49:03Good call on the font.

00:49:04Thank you, dear.

00:49:07Orson, what do you think?

00:49:09Well, I think it's strange to see my wife billed as Mrs. Vandekamp.

00:49:12Well, you knew what the book was going to be called.

00:49:14Yes, but it's different actually seeing it.

00:49:16I mean, is it too late to go with Mrs. Hodge?

00:49:19My company, which I formed when we were separated, is called Mrs. Vandekamp's Catering.

00:49:23It's how I'm known.

00:49:24Oh, in Fairview.

00:49:25But this book will be national.

00:49:28I mean, it's your chance to rebrand yourself.

00:49:30Is there something wrong with Hodge?

00:49:34I think I just heard the milk go bad.

00:49:36I should check.

00:49:36Look, Orson, I adore you, but your name, our name, it has no music.

00:49:43Vandekamp trips off the tongue.

00:49:45Hodge, it sounds like the noise a plunger makes.

00:49:48That's preposterous.

00:49:49Listen, Vandekamp, Hodge.

00:49:52Also, she's got a radio interview Wednesday, and they're already promoting her as Mrs. Vandekamp.

00:49:56See, the ship has already sailed.

00:49:59Oh, don't be hurt.

00:50:00It's my professional name.

00:50:01In this house, I will always be Mrs. Hodge.

00:50:03Now, would it help if Mrs. Hodge cooked you your favorite pot roast tonight?

00:50:10Yes, I guess it would help.

00:50:13Meeting with your publicist?

00:50:15Oh, right.

00:50:16Um, tomorrow, for sure.

00:50:23Vandekamp.

00:50:27Hodge.

00:50:27Here you go.

00:50:35Oh, thank you.

00:50:37Tell me, get off my chair.

00:50:37You know better.

00:50:40So, what's on your mind?

00:50:42It's Edie.

00:50:43You said something to her yesterday that hurt her feelings.

00:50:46The thing about her breasts?

00:50:48Come on, it was a joke.

00:50:49Perhaps.

00:50:49But it upset her so much that she suggested we leave Wisteria Lane.

00:50:54I can't have that, Mrs. M.

00:50:55Hey, this is what Edie and I do.

00:50:57We tease each other.

00:50:58I say she's easier to get into than community college.

00:51:01She says my face looks like a knee.

00:51:04It's fun.

00:51:05Still, I would consider it a personal favor if you'd apologize to her.

00:51:10You know, make her feel accepted.

00:51:12And loved.

00:51:14No.

00:51:15If Edie wants to change the way we talk to each other, she's got to ask me personally.

00:51:22And I think you've got a lot of gall making me feel like I did something wrong when you

00:51:26don't even know me.

00:51:29Well, I know you.

00:51:31I'm better than you think.

00:51:33Oh, really?

00:51:34For starters, you talk to your cat like it's a person.

00:51:38When I knocked on your door, you immediately invited me in.

00:51:41Doesn't take a genius to see that.

00:51:43You're lonely.

00:51:45I'm thinking you had people in your life at one time.

00:51:51People who cared about you.

00:51:54But something happened to them.

00:51:56Some probably died.

00:51:57The rest, well, they just don't come around much anymore.

00:52:00Why do you think that is?

00:52:05I know you, Mrs. McCluskey.

00:52:07And it seems to me that a woman like you would like to keep the few friends that she has left.

00:52:12I think you'd better go.

00:52:16Hey, thanks for tonight.

00:52:40And, uh, before I forget, the cold sucks.

00:52:43Oh, here's what sucks.

00:52:44Watching a 0-0 game with no cheerleaders.

00:52:47Soccer boy.

00:52:48You guys were insulting each other.

00:52:54That's good, right?

00:52:55We had a blast.

00:52:56Really?

00:52:57Yeah.

00:52:57In fact, we're getting together Wednesday night at O'Brien's, which he claims has the best bacon potato skins in town.

00:53:02Potato skins at O'Brien's?

00:53:04You've made his inner circle.

00:53:05This is fantastic.

00:53:08Aw, you can think of a more creative way to thank me than that.

00:53:22Thanks.

00:53:23Yeah.

00:53:26Oh, wow.

00:53:27You've never done that before.

00:53:31Wait, you've never done that before.

00:53:33Why are you doing that now?

00:53:35I don't know.

00:53:36Don't you like it?

00:53:37Yeah.

00:53:38But how did you know I would like it?

00:53:42Oh, my God.

00:53:43What?

00:53:46Mike told you about the ear thing, didn't he?

00:53:48No.

00:53:49So you just happened to stumble across my secret turn-on the same night that you and Mike became BFFs?

00:53:55But aren't we losing sight of the fact that you like it?

00:53:58This is...

00:53:59I mean, I'm just...

00:54:00I have been violated.

00:54:02Oh, honey, come on.

00:54:03Don't touch me or my ears.

00:54:05My ears are dead to you.

00:54:06It just slipped out.

00:54:07We were talking about how girls, they all like different things, right?

00:54:10And I was talking about this girl in high school and how she had to do it with her shoes on.

00:54:14And Mike talked about the lobe nibble.

00:54:17He has a name for it.

00:54:18Okay, that's it.

00:54:21You and Mike are not hanging out anymore.

00:54:23And this little Wednesday potato skins and Susan's sex tips night?

00:54:28I forbid it.

00:54:33Did Mike mention he likes having his toes sucked?

00:54:36Oops, that just slipped out.

00:54:45Gabby?

00:54:46Bree, what's up?

00:54:48Well, um, Michelle Downing asked me to speak to you.

00:54:52I don't know if you heard, but I'm catering her birthday party.

00:54:54I heard.

00:54:55I can't wait.

00:54:56Oh, I was going to ask you, should I wear the navy blue Chanel or the red sleepless dress?

00:55:00You can't come.

00:55:03Sorry.

00:55:03I just had to rip the band-aid off.

00:55:05What?

00:55:06She's disinviting me?

00:55:09It's not personal.

00:55:09You know how Carla's just started at the club.

00:55:11Well, her guests are all members, and she thinks they might find it awkward socializing with staff.

00:55:19She called us staff?

00:55:20Oh, Gabby, it's just one party.

00:55:22I'll save you some cake.

00:55:23No, it's not just one party.

00:55:25It's a kickoff to the whole social season.

00:55:27If people see we're off Michelle's list, then we'll be off everyone's.

00:55:29And then it's going to be the start of our slow slide from gowns and galas to flip-flops and giggers.

00:55:34Okay, if Carla's working at the club is the problem, then tell her I just quinked.

00:55:43Oh, hon, I don't think that's going to fly.

00:55:45He's already rubbed too many members.

00:55:49What's happened in my life?

00:55:51We used to have help.

00:55:53Now we are the help.

00:55:58Hey.

00:55:59Hey.

00:56:00What are you doing?

00:56:01I am just talking to Porter on Silver Fizz.

00:56:07Who is Sarah J. from MacArthur High School?

00:56:11Me.

00:56:12I'm 16.

00:56:13Cute.

00:56:14I like graphic novels and Tokyo Police Club.

00:56:16Oh, my God.

00:56:17You're pretending to be somebody else?

00:56:19Our brooding son has a classmate who got arrested for selling drugs.

00:56:22I really think the end justifies the means here.

00:56:26Okay.

00:56:26We'll address your major ethical breach in a moment.

00:56:29What did you find out?

00:56:32Well, the good news is he really doesn't hang out with Jimmy Conrado.

00:56:35But I am a little worried about Anita 47 who told him cherry fruit pops are an aphrodisiac.

00:56:44Okay, great.

00:56:45You know who he hangs around with now.

00:56:47You got what you came for.

00:56:48Time to stop.

00:56:49You're probably right.

00:56:50It's just...

00:56:52Did you know Porter writes poetry?

00:56:56Serious?

00:56:57Yeah.

00:56:58Our Porter, the kid who communicates with grunts and shrugs, writes this beautiful, heart-wrenching poetry.

00:57:08Maybe one day he'll share it with you instead of your fantasy alter ego.

00:57:12Until then, shut it off.

00:57:15Okay.

00:57:16Okay.

00:57:17You're right.

00:57:18You're right.

00:57:48Oh, really?

00:58:07Oh, that's sweet.

00:58:18Still talking to Poetry Girl?

00:58:22Bite me.

00:58:23Dude, she didn't put up her photo.

00:58:25Five bucks says she looks like she came out of an egg.

00:58:30Whatever.

00:58:33Toby!

00:58:36Toby!

00:58:38Toby!

00:58:40Everything all right, Mrs. M?

00:58:43It's Toby. I can't find him.

00:58:45Oh, no. How did he get out?

00:58:47The living room window was open, which is bizarre because I don't remember opening it.

00:58:52Can you help me find him?

00:58:55Have you given any more thought about apologizing to Edie?

00:58:58She's still pretty down in the dumps.

00:59:01I've kind of been busy.

00:59:03Of course you have. It's just that.

00:59:06Well, since I'm about to help you find your cat, it sure would be nice if you could help me out with Edie.

00:59:11Doesn't that seem fair to you?

00:59:14I guess.

00:59:17Here.

00:59:23Okay.

00:59:24Toby!

00:59:26Toby!

00:59:27Bear boy!

00:59:29Toby!

00:59:31So they'll finish with the news, do a quick traffic update, and then we're on the air.

00:59:34Do you need anything?

00:59:36No, I'm good. How do I look?

00:59:38We're on the radio.

00:59:40I'm a little bit nervous. This is my first national interview. And I am a huge fan of your cookbooks.

00:59:48Well, I've heard good things about you. I understand you're catering Michelle Downing's birthday dinner tonight.

00:59:52Will you know Michelle?

00:59:54Yes.

00:59:55And I'll be there. I can't wait to see what you dish up.

00:59:58Okay, now I'm terrified.

01:00:02Here we go.

01:00:03Good afternoon. I'm Linda Flanagan, and this is Gourmet Americana.

01:00:09If you've been to Fairview's best parties, then you've probably tasted the mouth-watering food dished up by my first guest, Bree Vandekamp.

01:00:16Now, she's about to publish her first book, Mrs. Vandekamp's Old Fashioned Cooking. Welcome, Bree.

01:00:20Hi, Linda.

01:00:21Tell me, why old-fashioned?

01:00:24Well, I think a lot of people miss the way life used to be, back when women had more time to cook.

01:00:29It's always been important to me to have the family gather around the table every night for hot, lovingly prepared meals.

01:00:36So you're a traditional kind of gal. Is there a Mr. Vandekamp?

01:00:41No, Mr. Vandekamp is deceased.

01:00:45But in regards to my husband, I should make one thing very clear.

01:00:48His passing had nothing to do with my cooking.

01:00:58Hey.

01:01:00Is that my Yates book?

01:01:01I love his poetry.

01:01:03Yeah, I'm borrowing it for school.

01:01:05Ah.

01:01:07This is the kind of poetry that melts a girl's heart.

01:01:09It's so romantic.

01:01:11Oh, here's a great one.

01:01:13The lover tells of the rose in his heart.

01:01:15My first boyfriend gave me this poem. I was a junior and...

01:01:19Mom, I'm running late. I have to look back.

01:01:22Oh. Sorry.

01:01:28Enjoy!

01:01:29Catherine, it is not too late to change tonight's menu. If Linda Flanagan likes my food, she might give me a quote for the book jacket.

01:01:41I have to knock her socks off, and I am not betting the farm on Haddock.

01:01:44Argue with me all you like. I just bought 40 pounds of pork, so get your tushy over here.

01:01:51Orson, did you get my message about Linda Flanagan?

01:01:54Yes, I heard.

01:01:56Isn't it amazing?

01:01:58Almost as amazing as my on-air death notice.

01:02:01What?

01:02:02So, Bree, do you have a husband?

01:02:04Nope. Used to. He croaked.

01:02:07She didn't ask if I had a husband. She asked if there was a Mr. Van de Camp, and there's clearly not.

01:02:12There's a Mr. Hodge. Would it have killed you to have mentioned me?

01:02:15And waste valuable air time? The show was about my cookbook, not about my torture of marital history.

01:02:21That's not what this is about. It's because I went to jail, isn't it?

01:02:24Orson, I have six hours to prepare a meal for 80 people. We're not having this discussion now.

01:02:30Just admit it. You're ashamed of me.

01:02:33Should I be proud?

01:02:35Do you want me to go on the radio and boast that my husband served time for running someone over?

01:02:39I went to jail because you told me it was the only way you'd take me back.

01:02:43And because it was the right thing to do.

01:02:46I just didn't know then that I would be a public figure someday, but I am. I have a name now.

01:02:51And luckily for you, it's not mine.

01:02:56Orson, please don't be hurt.

01:02:58I am under so much pressure and so terrified I'll fail that I don't even know what I'm saying half the time.

01:03:03Just let me get through this. As soon as the plates go out tonight, I will come home and cook you that pot most I promised. Okay?

01:03:14Okay.

01:03:15Hmm.

01:03:17It's just that...

01:03:19Chives! How could I forget Chives?

01:03:28Hey, it's me. Listen, I'm not going to be able to make dinner tonight. My college roommate's in town and this is the only night we can get together.

01:03:36Oh. Is his name Mike Delfino? Did you room together at Liars College?

01:03:41Um, I know it's last minute and I'm really sorry, but I still want to see you. So how about I drop by later? Call me. That's a problem.

01:03:48Yeah, you'll drop by later. With potato skins on your breath, you miserable two-timer.

01:03:55What's wrong, Mom?

01:03:58Nothing. Just the answering machine lied to Mommy.

01:04:02Oh, crap on things.

01:04:18Crap on what things?

01:04:20Um...

01:04:24Porter sent me a sex poem.

01:04:27What? Why?

01:04:28He may be in love with me.

01:04:32Why would he be in love with you?

01:04:34Okay.

01:04:36Remember how you told me I should stop talking to him online?

01:04:39Well, of course, I didn't and I sort of told him I liked his poetry.

01:04:43You told a teenage boy that you liked his poetry?

01:04:46Geez, Lynette, why not just flash him a boob?

01:04:49Shh, he'll hear you.

01:04:50So what are you going to do? Are you going to tell him the truth now or are you going to wait until after he kills me and blinds himself?

01:04:55Calm down. I'm going to break it off in an email.

01:04:58Oh, great. Just like that? That'll kill him.

01:05:01I know that you have only been on the receiving end of breakup letters, but I've actually written a few and I know how to let them down easy.

01:05:09Dear Porter, I really like you, but I want to see other offspring.

01:05:15Go away.

01:05:17You know, I'm kind of surprised we still made Michelle's list this year, what with me working at the club.

01:05:27Oh, don't be silly, Carlos. We're still on everyone's list.

01:05:31Yeah, let's go.

01:05:32Okay.

01:05:33Gabby, are we in the banquet? Oh, what's all the noise?

01:05:42Oh, it's just the caterers putting glasses and silverware on the tables. They make some racket, huh? The decorations are just stunning. Especially that waterfall effect.

01:05:51Gabby! Bree! Shouldn't you be in the kitchen?

01:05:56Don't move, honey. The press is taking your photo.

01:06:03What are you doing here? You were disinvited.

01:06:06I got it all figured out. We duck inside, make sure we're seen by all the right people, except Mrs. Downing, and then after about 20 minutes, we cut out.

01:06:13Well, I know nothing. Just keep me out of it.

01:06:16What is Carlos doing?

01:06:26Where is he?

01:06:33Where is who?

01:06:34Like you don't know, Jackson.

01:06:36He's not here.

01:06:37Really?

01:06:39Whose is this?

01:06:40I don't know, some guys.

01:06:43I don't know.

01:06:45Well, I hope that some guy doesn't mind this.

01:06:50Susan, really, I wouldn't.

01:06:52Lady, what are you doing with my beer?

01:06:55We're not married anymore, so I don't have to protect you.

01:07:01I am so sorry.

01:07:04Miss, um, could you just please take good care of my friend?

01:07:13Jackson canceled on me.

01:07:15He said you weren't comfortable with us hanging out.

01:07:17He said that?

01:07:18And I think I said, meow.

01:07:20Whoosh!

01:07:21I am such a jackass.

01:07:23So why don't you want us hanging out?

01:07:26Well, I was pretty ticked off that you told Jackson about the ear thing.

01:07:29Oh, God.

01:07:30The second I said that, I wished I hadn't.

01:07:32I'm really sorry.

01:07:36Apology accepted.

01:07:39So if I promise to behave, can we still hang out?

01:07:42Because I really think it would be good for MJ, just seeing that we're all friends.

01:07:46I don't...

01:07:47What?

01:07:49I'm just not comfortable with you and Jackson getting that close.

01:07:53Okay.

01:07:55It's just...

01:07:58I don't want him to see me through your eyes.

01:08:01How exactly do you think I see you?

01:08:05Well, those last few months we were together.

01:08:08The things I said to you, the way I acted...

01:08:12I'm not proud of the person I became.

01:08:14That was a bad time, Susan.

01:08:17We're not those people anymore.

01:08:20And if you could see yourself through my eyes,

01:08:22you'd know you got nothing to worry about.

01:08:24Could you please take care of this guy?

01:08:35He's my friend, too.

01:08:49Boy, I'm glad to see you.

01:08:52Where you been?

01:08:53Out.

01:08:54Uh, doing some thinking.

01:08:57And I decided that I may have gone a little overboard about you and Mike.

01:09:02In fact, I think it's cool if you want to hang out with my ex.

01:09:06Hey, Susan Q!

01:09:08Just shaking the dew off of Lily.

01:09:10And speaking of, that paint job in the guest can is nice. Kudos.

01:09:15What are you doing here?

01:09:16Well, Julie needed me to co-sign some insurance stuff for her.

01:09:19And I guess I lost track of time talking to Crunchy Granola here.

01:09:25Plumber to House Painter in one move, Susie?

01:09:27Don't get Disney climbing that social ladder.

01:09:29Can you leave, please?

01:09:30Just think, if I'd been a roofer, we might still be together.

01:09:33So I...

01:09:34Get out.

01:09:35See you around, Hacky Sack.

01:09:42So, any more exes I should know about?

01:09:45Don't you just love Michelle's parties?

01:09:46Oh, they are fun.

01:09:47But I enjoy my intimate lunches with Michelle even more.

01:09:48We have intimate lunches.

01:09:49We're friends.

01:09:50Well, you simply must come to the charity auction at Ted's Gallery next weekend.

01:09:51Really?

01:09:52We'd love to.

01:09:53You'd love to.

01:09:54Have a happy!

01:09:56We're having a caterer!

01:09:59Everything's fabulous.

01:10:00But would you be a dear and get me some more wine?

01:10:01I would be happy to.

01:10:02I just want to make sure it's the kind you like.

01:10:03gallery next weekend really we'd love to happy well it's the caterer everything's fabulous but

01:10:15would you be a dear and get me some more wine i would be happy to i just want to make sure it's

01:10:20the kind you like you're still here dinner is about to be served whose seats are you in the

01:10:29moments i found out mrs bowman is home with the flu score how will you unclench it'll be fine

01:10:35that was mr bowman wasn't it yes and i'm pretty sure that elderly woman with him was his mother

01:10:44what kind of man leaves a sick wife at home to go party with mommy you can fix this just tell them

01:10:48that you're at the wrong table and then slip out the side door right that was a maitre d wasn't it

01:10:54yes and he appears to be checking the guest list which we're not on okay you can fix this just

01:10:58explain you're going to a different party here at the club and that you got confused

01:11:01mrs downing never has to know right you need to leave

01:11:04that's mrs downing how am i going to fix this at this point i would just run off screaming into the

01:11:11night thank you okay well get your hands off gabby gabby

01:11:18poor blind bastard i'll meet him outside

01:11:24what hi edie

01:11:33i just want to say i feel awful about what i said to you you know that crack i made the other day

01:11:41okay that's nice of you

01:11:46are you all right

01:11:50actually no my cat's missing

01:11:52toby since when

01:11:55it's been two days and he's never been out this long

01:11:57oh i'm so sorry

01:11:59i'm sure he's fine yeah well could you tell dave tell him i apologized and uh you and i are good huh

01:12:08i guess i could why do you want to just tell him please

01:12:14i cannot believe you pulled a stone like that

01:12:24what i was just trying to salvage what's left of our social life

01:12:28now just let it go start thinking about where we're going to move

01:12:31this is not a joke gabby i work with these people i have to show my face tomorrow it's humiliating

01:12:36you want to know what's humiliating waking up one day and finding out you're invisible

01:12:40now it's official i've lost everything

01:12:43everything

01:12:45first our money then my figure now the last shreds of our social standing

01:12:49we haven't lost a thing except the chance to hobnob with a bunch of unhappy snobs

01:12:56what do you mean they're unhappy they're rich they have jewels and cooks they use winter as a verb

01:13:02i've rubbed them gabby and there is nothing that a blind masseur doesn't hear about

01:13:08trust me they are every bit as miserable as i was when i was out there chasing that stuff

01:13:14we have lost nothing that matters

01:13:21we have a home we have each other we have work that supports us and we have two

01:13:28beautiful little girls that love us more than ice cream

01:13:32i've never been happier in my life

01:13:38are you serious

01:13:41yes and the only thing that would make me happier is for you to realize how good we've got it

01:13:48i have never talked to such a wonderful guy but i should have told you i'm already seeing

01:13:59somebody blah blah blah continue to trust your heart and your dreams will follow wow lynette

01:14:06best dear john letter ever thanks except you might want to change the part where you signed it love

01:14:13mom what no i didn't yeah you did right there

01:14:20you sent it oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god why didn't you say something i did

01:14:26you said it was great way to bury the lead tom

01:14:29tom don't you dare hey one of us needs to live to take care of the other ones

01:14:35oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi Hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi

01:15:05Okay, I know what I did was unforgivable, and I am not trying to make excuses,

01:15:12but we used to talk all the time, and then one day it just stopped, and it killed me.

01:15:21I felt like I lost you.

01:15:24And then I was Sarah Jay, and I had you back, and we were talking again, and you were telling me things.

01:15:29I wasn't telling you anything. I was telling her.

01:15:35Okay.

01:15:44Well, for what it's worth, I loved our conversations, and I'm going to miss them.

01:15:57Me too.

01:16:05Carson, you're still up. Oh, I wish you could have been there. Linda Flanagan loved my food. She said I was God's gift to the table, and that I could quote her on the book jacket.

01:16:17Are you all right?

01:16:19I'm hungry.

01:16:20It's after midnight. Haven't you eaten?

01:16:22I was waiting for you. You said you'd make me pot roast.

01:16:26I am so sorry. I lost all track of time, and Linda had so many questions about the food. I'll make you that pot roast tomorrow, okay?

01:16:33No.

01:16:37I want it now.

01:16:40Now?

01:16:41You promised.

01:16:45Orson, I've been cooking all day. I'm so tired I can barely stand up.

01:16:49You really want me to make you a pot roast now?

01:16:54You promised.