Skip to playerSkip to main contentSkip to footer
  • 2 days ago

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00Oh, yeah.
00:08Oi, granddad, do you want to see this book Mickey Pierce lent me?
00:12It teaches you how to say filthy things to women from great distances without actually speaking.
00:17They can't set their brothers on you or nothing.
00:20Do you like your baked potatoes really well, Dan Rodney?
00:25Have I got a choice?
00:26Well, not really.
00:28Yeah, I like them really well done, granddad.
00:31I like them all burnt up so they look like rock-hard prunes.
00:35Oh, good.
00:36Well, dinner won't be long, then.
00:41Body language?
00:43Yeah, it's no good for you, granddad.
00:45You'd need an interpreter.
00:48Oi, up.
00:49All right, granddad.
00:50Dinner ruined yet?
00:51Coming along nicely, dear boy.
00:53Ah, good, good.
00:54Here, hang on, hang on.
00:56Here you go, look.
00:57There's a score for you.
00:58A little Christmas prezzy, you all right?
01:00Oh, cheers, Dill.
01:01That's very nice of you.
01:04I didn't get you nothing.
01:06I don't agree with the commercialisation of a Christian festival.
01:09I don't believe that.
01:13I don't believe that.
01:14He actually took my money and then gave me a rollicking.
01:17It's like being mugged by a magistrate.
01:18Oh, and, uh, Merry Christmas.
01:22Yeah.
01:23And a partridge up your pear tree and all your salty old kids.
01:26Here, what happened to you today, then?
01:28I thought I'd see you down the old nags head for a pre-luncheon of pair of teeth and some
01:33light conversation.
01:35You know, with them little headbangers of yours.
01:39Nah.
01:40My stomach's still a bit dicey, you know, sort of burning pains.
01:44Well, that'll teach you to play Russian roulette with a mutton vindaloo, won't it?
01:47You know, this is psychosomatic, mate.
01:50Eh?
01:51This is me brain sending messages down to me belly warning it that Grandad's rotten Christmas
01:55dinner will be on its way down soon.
01:57Mm.
01:58Have a butcher's in that kitchen, Dill.
02:00It's all smoke and smells.
02:02It's horrible.
02:03He's got baked potatoes in there, look more like lumps of anthracite.
02:08There's green stuff in there, right?
02:09I don't know what it is.
02:10I was going to ask, but I thought I'd better wait till you got in.
02:14Why'd you let him do it, Dill?
02:15Well, it's tradition, isn't it?
02:17He's been cooking the Christmas dinner ever since Mum went.
02:19Yeah, he's been cocking it up ever since Mum.
02:22What do you want?
02:24What do you want, eh?
02:24A sacrebleur chef or something?
02:26Look, I don't fancy it any more than you do, Rodders, but, you know, what can we do about
02:31it, eh?
02:32Well, let's pretend we both become vegetarians, eh?
02:34Then we won't have to eat his turkey.
02:36Don't be a dipstick all your life, Rodney.
02:39If we pretend that we're vegetarians, we'll end up with a plate full of anthracite and green
02:43stuff.
02:43Well, I'm going to say I'm on hunger strike.
02:46Some kind of humanitarian grounds.
02:48Oh, leave it out, will you?
02:50Leave it out.
02:51I remember the last time that you went on hunger strike over a protest about the American cruise
02:56missiles being based in Britain.
02:58You said that you were going to starve yourself till all the missiles were removed.
03:01So?
03:02So?
03:02So?
03:03So?
03:03That was eight months ago.
03:04The missiles are still here.
03:06What is more to the point, Rodney, so are you.
03:09You went one and a half days on hunger strike and you're sent out for a curry.
03:12Well, I was starving.
03:13Well, that's the idea of it, you plonker.
03:16Don't come out of it.
03:18No.
03:20Grandad will never wear that.
03:22Anyway.
03:24Cooking the Christmas dinner has become Grandad's purpose in life.
03:28I mean, all year round, he sits in that chair watching them tellies like an unoiled, redundant cog.
03:36But come Christmas time, he knows that he can whirr into action.
03:40It's his role within the family circle.
03:42Makes him feel he still has an important part to play.
03:46You know, that he's still needed.
03:49Now, you wouldn't want to take that away from him, would you?
03:51All for the sake of a little bit of botulism.
03:53No, no, no.
03:55All right, Bill.
03:56Anyway, why don't you do what I do, eh?
03:57Well, you know, just put the dinner in your mouth and think of England.
04:03Anyway, for all we know, this year it may turn out to be a gourmet's dream.
04:08I'll just strain the gravy, then I'll get it up.
04:19So good.
04:27Must get a plug put on this thing, Rodney.
04:38All right, all right.
04:39I'll have some wine, please, Rodney.
04:41Do you want some gravy, Dill?
04:45No, thanks, Grandad.
04:46I'll have a drop of wine.
04:49Merci, merci, merci.
05:01Oh, Bain Marie.
05:03Bain Marie.
05:03I will say this for those old frogs.
05:06They make a blinding drop of wine, don't they, eh?
05:09Yeah, you know that shyster down at the off-licence?
05:12He only tried to palm me off with table wine, didn't he?
05:16He must have thought I was a philistine or something.
05:18Anyway, I pulled him up a bit sharpish, though.
05:22I said, Oi, John, I said, I don't want none of your table wine, I said.
05:27I said, you get down here in that cellar and you give me a bottle of your vin ordinaire.
05:34Right.
05:35Here we go.
05:44Not bad.
05:45Not bad, Grandad.
05:45Slightly underdone, maybe.
05:50Slightly underdone?
05:51I reckon a kiss of life would revive that cellar.
05:55That's enough, Rodney.
05:57How's your guts now, Rodney?
06:00Not too bad now, Grandad.
06:02Thank you very much.
06:04I hope he ain't got worms.
06:06I'm doing this on purpose.
06:08Oi, that's enough, you two.
06:09Now, come on, this is a dinner table.
06:12I mean, worms and all that.
06:13Just that Rodney's got this burning sensation in his stomach, haven't you, Rodney?
06:17Yeah.
06:18Yeah.
06:19Maybe they're glowworms.
06:23Oi, oi, oi, what's your game?
06:26Do you think we could change the subject?
06:28It's all right.
06:29All right.
06:29Now, come on.
06:30There's no need to get overwrought.
06:32There you go.
06:32This turkey's lovely, Grandad.
06:40Isn't it, Rodney?
06:41Terrific.
06:44Who's Brenda and Terry?
06:47Eh?
06:48Who's Brenda and Terry?
06:50Who's Brenda and Terry?
06:51Yeah.
06:52Who's Brenda and Terry, Rodney?
06:53I don't know.
06:54What's going on about your div?
06:56Well, we got a Christmas card from them.
06:59It said, love from Brenda and Terry and the kids, Shirley, Shane and Sean.
07:04Yeah, yeah, that was from Brenda and Terry.
07:06I know!
07:07Who is Brenda and Terry?
07:09Well, it's Shirley, Shane and Sean's mum and dad, isn't it?
07:13Did we send them one back?
07:16Why can't we send them one back?
07:17We don't know who they are, let alone where they live.
07:19Well, it's just as well with them rotten Christmas cards that you bought.
07:23There was nothing wrong with them cards.
07:25You didn't like them because they come from a charity organisation.
07:28Now, that is not fair, Rodney.
07:29That is not fair.
07:30Nobody likes a good cause better than me, do they, Grandad?
07:32No.
07:33It's just that when you're choosing Christmas cards,
07:35you've got to be very careful about which charity you choose.
07:38What do you mean, got to be careful about which charity you choose?
07:41Well, I mean, look, some of those cards might offend some of our neighbours and friends,
07:45mightn't they?
07:46You know, it says, Merry Christmas from Del Boy, Rodney and Grandad
07:49and all the gang at the Deptford Drug Addiction Centre.
07:53And with all the cards we've had in social services,
07:55you don't think that's a good cause?
07:57Look, I'm not saying it isn't a good cause, Rodney.
07:59All I'm saying, at Christmas time,
08:00people prefer a traditional Christmas card, don't they, eh?
08:03Like a nice wintry scene with a little snowman on it.
08:05Little Robin Redbreast.
08:07Not a sprig of Ollie and a bunch of mistletoe wrapped around a rusty stringe.
08:11You're doing me right up sometimes, Bill.
08:14I don't know why they want these drug addiction centres anyhow.
08:17I mean, ain't we got enough drug addicts without them recruiting them?
08:24No, no, Grandad, they're not training centres.
08:29What?
08:30Oh, God, I give up.
08:31Can we change the subjects again?
08:33Oh, stroll on, Rodney.
08:34We're going through subjects quicker than mastermind.
08:36You didn't throw the giblets away, did you?
08:44I only asked, I only asked,
08:46because I promised to be the old girl downstairs for a cat.
08:49There weren't any giblets in it, dear old boy.
08:51It was really clean, said so on the box.
08:54Yeah, I know it was really clean, Grandad.
08:56What they do is they take the giblets out,
08:57put it in a plastic bag,
08:58and they put it back inside the turkey, don't they?
09:01Do they?
09:02Yeah.
09:07You took the bag out, didn't you?
09:10I didn't know it was in there, Bill.
09:11Oh, my God.
09:14And when you've put it with everything still in it?
09:16Oh, my good God.
09:19Blimey, it's like peering at the jaws of hell, yeah?
09:23Didn't you at any time notice it?
09:25Like, for instance, when you were putting the stuffing in?
09:27Well, there's stuffing in there as well?
09:28No, I mean, there's everything in here, Rodney.
09:30I mean, sage and onion and molten plastic and things.
09:36Oh, it's like Irish night in a delicatessen.
09:39I just didn't know it was in there, dear old boy.
09:44Yeah, all right, all right.
09:45All right, Grandad.
09:48If you don't get overwrought,
09:50it's over and done with, isn't it, eh?
09:52Don't upset yourself.
09:53It's, you know, it's like, as the French say,
09:55it's a...
09:56It's a fete-a-com-plan.
10:07What about the old after-zen, eh?
10:09I'll go and get it.
10:11Yeah.
10:22I will allow you to change it.
10:23All right, all right.
10:25Now, don't worry,
10:26because custard is his forte.
10:30Oh, my God.
10:31Do you like your Christmas pudding really well, Dan?
10:40LAUGHTER
10:41Ladies and gentlemen,
10:56Freddie Osler will attempt
10:57the incredibly difficult triple sub-assault.
11:02Ladies and gentlemen,
11:03Freddie Osler.
11:05APPLAUSE
11:37Sorry.
11:42I don't like circuses.
11:49What?
11:50I don't like circuses.
11:54Never have liked them.
11:55Chef, eh?
11:58Never will like them, circuses.
12:00Yeah, all right, you made your point, Roddy. Why don't you switch over?
12:03Eh.
12:06Oh, there's one on the other side.
12:13Is there? What a shame.
12:16It's a pity you don't like them, because you could be having a whale of a time now, couldn't you?
12:20Yeah, I'll put a sock in it for half an hour now, will you?
12:31Good living in a tar block, isn't it, though?
12:33Yeah, mustard. The Queen don't know what she's missing.
12:36Look at that view, eh?
12:39On a clear day, you can see the ground.
12:45Boring.
12:49Boring, boring, boring.
12:55Boring.
12:56He whacked you one in a minute, Rodney.
13:05Well, nothing's open out there and I'm bored.
13:07What?
13:08Hang about and I'll see if I can get on the phone and knock you up a Mardi Gras.
13:14Everyone's bored.
13:15Christmas is a religious festival. It's meant to be boring.
13:20I thought we were supposed to be celebrating the birth of our Lord. A time of great joy.
13:25It is a time of great joy. That's why everything's closed.
13:28Everyone's at home enjoying themselves like us.
13:31Enjoying themselves?
13:32Yeah, where's me nuts?
13:37Oh, right.
13:39So, just take a look at it out there, Del.
13:41It's like a neutron bomb's hit it.
13:43The buildings are still standing, but there's no sign of life.
13:46No.
13:48Nah.
13:49British nation has forgotten how to enjoy itself.
13:52We're all charging towards a cliff edge of terminal boredom, like a herd of them, uh...
13:59Oh, what's them things what commit suicide all the time?
14:01Japanese.
14:04Lemmings. Yeah, like a herd of lemmings.
14:08Let's go out somewhere, Del, eh?
14:10There's better be a pub or a club open somewhere.
14:12It's Christmas night, Rodney.
14:14The Monte Carlo Club, New Cross, that's certain.
14:18Then again, it is a bit rough.
14:20Oh, rough, is it?
14:21Yes, it's all those big men drinking beer and burping.
14:24Great big tart, you.
14:26All right, then, let's go down to the Monte Carlo.
14:28You get a few birds down there, might be able to pull a couple.
14:31I don't want to go out, Rodney.
14:33Oh, well, you're boring as well.
14:34You're hardly a go on the Big Dipper yourself, Rodney.
14:36Well, why don't you want to go out?
14:38I shall tell you why, shall I?
14:40It may have slipped your notice, but there are three people living in this flat.
14:43You, me and that scruffy little old man that does funny things to turkeys.
14:47Namely, our grandfather.
14:49Are they not seriously suggesting that we push off out of it and leave him here on his own, are you?
14:53We often leave him on his own.
14:55Yeah, but not on Christmas night, Rodney.
14:57Not on Christmas night.
14:58Yeah, but we sit in with him every Christmas.
15:01He wouldn't mind just this once.
15:02No, he would pretend that he wouldn't mind.
15:05But you don't know what would be going on in his little mind as he sat in this empty flat on his own.
15:09You know, thinking about the good old days when mum and dad were here and Christmas time was a great big family affair.
15:17Yeah, and we're still family, Rodney.
15:20So you're going to stay in with me and grandad and watch, you know, the sound of music.
15:23I don't like the sound of music.
15:26Well, switch over.
15:27What's on?
15:28The circus.
15:28I want to go out, Del.
15:31Listen, Rodney.
15:33There are a lot of old people all over the country tonight sitting on their own.
15:37Now, half of them don't get a Christmas card, let alone a bit of company.
15:41So you're going to stay in with me and grandad.
15:44Look, if I want to go out, I'll go out.
15:47You won't.
15:48I will.
15:48You won't, Rodney.
15:50I will, Del.
15:50You won't.
15:51I will.
15:52You won't.
15:53I will.
15:54I'm off out now.
15:55See you.
15:55Yeah, see you later, grandad.
15:58You won't.
15:59I will.
16:00Listen, if I...
16:02Oi!
16:03Oi!
16:03Just a minute.
16:05Where do you think you're going?
16:06I'm going to the old folks' Christmas duo at the community centre.
16:10I thought anything would be better than sitting in here all night listening to you two arguing.
16:15Tell us what happens in the sound of music.
16:18See ya.
16:20Yes.
16:20I'll see you, grandad.
16:23Well, that's terrific.
16:25That is, isn't it?
16:27Charming.
16:27He goes out gallivanting.
16:29We have to stay in and watch Julie Andrews.
16:31Oh, no, brother.
16:33Definitely not.
16:34Let's put our glad rags on and hit the Monte Carlo club, eh?
16:38Yeah.
16:39Right.
16:39Now, listen.
16:40I'll have a bath first because there's hardly any hot water left.
16:43Right.
16:44You fit yourself a drink, make yourself comfortable and watch the circus.
16:48All right?
16:48Right.
16:49Right.
16:49Oi, shit.
16:49I love you.
16:55What I love you.
16:57Can I love you.
16:59Love you.
17:01Have you, Dominic?
17:02What you mean?
17:02No.
17:03What you mean?
17:04I love you.
17:07I love you.
17:09Oi, John, here's Remy Martin with cream soda and lots of ice and half a lager.
17:28Hello, my son. You all right, Earl?
17:30Hello, doll boy. Nice Christmas.
17:32Oh, yeah, blinder. Where's the enemy?
17:35She took the kids over her mum's.
17:36Oh, yeah.
17:38Here, how's the old man?
17:39Up and down like Tower Bridge.
17:42Still in hospital, unconscious most of the time.
17:45You know, when he wakes up, he's don't know where he is.
17:50Well, next time when he comes round again, you wish him a Merry Christmas from me and Rodney.
17:55Yeah, I will, though.
17:56Yeah.
17:57What's, uh, what's wrong with him?
18:00I can't pronounce it.
18:05Oh, yeah, how much is that?
18:0798,000.
18:0898, there you are.
18:08Keep the change.
18:09Now, listen, Earl.
18:11Now, listen, my son.
18:12This is what you want to do.
18:13Next time you're up to the hospital, you get hold of one of them surgeons.
18:16You know, they're the guys in their little white jackets, you know.
18:18You say to him that your old dad wants some antibiotics.
18:21Antibiotics.
18:22Antibiotics.
18:22That is N-E-B-I-O-I-X.
18:27Right?
18:28Now, hang on, look.
18:29I'll write it down for you.
18:30Rodney, give me that replay I gave you for your Christmas present.
18:33Yeah.
18:33Right.
18:34Now then, let's see.
18:36You're being a bit pushy, ain't you?
18:37Eh?
18:37I mean, don't you think the hospital's already thought of that?
18:40What, that bunch of wallies?
18:42Leave it at that.
18:43No, these are magic things, these are, Earl.
18:46I mean, they work a treat.
18:47God knows where they get them from.
18:48Yeah, do you remember when Grandad was in hospital about 18 months back, they gave him so many of these antibiotics that one day he sneezed and two other blokes got better?
18:59Yeah, well, there you are, there it is.
19:01Don't take that to a chemist, will you, because it ain't a prescription.
19:03No, I won't, though, boy.
19:05And thanks a lot, that's really nice of you.
19:07Well, that's all right, my son.
19:08Now, you have a good Christmas, you hear?
19:09Yeah.
19:10All right.
19:11Come on, Rodney.
19:14Well, you are something else, you are.
19:16Eh?
19:16I mean, you've stuck your nose in where it weren't wanted a good few times, but this takes the biscuit, doesn't it?
19:20I mean, suddenly you're a miracle worker.
19:23Listen, listen, Rodney.
19:25Now, life has been pretty gutty for Earl quite recently.
19:28First of all, he got made redundant, and then it's been like that between him and his missus,
19:33and then to top it all, his old man collapses in the nag's head right across the table where me and Trig were sitting.
19:38It was terrible.
19:39All the glasses went flying and everything.
19:41Yeah?
19:42No.
19:42What, serious?
19:44No, I only had about that much left.
19:47Now, I mean, he can't afford a private hospital.
19:50Wanted to take his old man to Lourdes, but he couldn't afford the fare.
19:53The way his luck's been going, he couldn't afford the fare to Leeds, let alone Lourdes.
19:58I've just given him a little bit of false hope, haven't I, eh?
20:01Like a light at the end of the tunnel, straw to grab at.
20:05Bit of promise for the new year.
20:07Yeah, but I mean, what if he tells the hospital to administer these drugs, eh?
20:15I mean, what if they finish the old man off?
20:18Oh, leave it out, Rodney.
20:19What do you think they are at that hospital?
20:21A bunch of wallies?
20:23You say...
20:23Come on, you Eegis.
20:26You're flash, you are, isn't you?
20:28You think you know the lot, don't you?
20:30Everything about you is...
20:33Larry.
20:33What do you mean, Larry?
20:37Look at the way you dress to begin with, eh?
20:39What?
20:40I mean, you make a Christmas tree look sombre.
20:43God knows how you've got the courage to walk down dark alleys wearing all that gold.
20:47When they see you coming, you must look like a muggers' pension scheme.
20:51Listen, how do you think a peacock attracts a lady peacock, eh?
20:56With his plumage, right?
20:58Well, this is my plumage.
20:59You see, when I approach a bird, she doesn't see the real me,
21:04the young, good-looking man about town, own teeth and all that sort of game.
21:07No, she sees, you know, subconscious, a white yacht
21:11floating on the blue waters of a Caribbean bay.
21:15Is that right?
21:16Yeah.
21:16With you, they see a Winkle Barge sinking off the end of South End Pier.
21:20No, because I don't need all the bullying and the perfume and the white shoes,
21:25because I'm natural.
21:26I'm me, Del.
21:26I'm me.
21:27Yes, I know you're you.
21:28That's why you always end up with a dog.
21:30I do not go out with dogs.
21:31Oh, leave it off, Rodney.
21:33You've had more dogs than Crufts.
21:35The other week, Grandad took your suit to the cleaners.
21:38They found a muzzle in the pocket.
21:40No.
21:41No, Rodney, I know the secret, you see.
21:43That's why I always blag the good'uns, you know,
21:45the air hostesses and the part-time models.
21:48Oh, yes, bruv.
21:49I've got the secret.
21:51Never fails me.
21:52Got a bone, Andy Rodders.
21:58I think you just cracked it again.
21:59That's why I get the shit that's all over me.
22:06What I do with a sit-down, my pen's a half aching.
22:27It's amazing, isn't it?
22:28Look at us, eh?
22:29The Peckham Playboys.
22:31I bet the only one who's pulled tonight is Grandad.
22:33Yeah, you ought to be used to it.
22:34The only thing you ever pull at Christmas is your cracker.
22:38Here, look, there's a table free over there, Rodders.
22:40Go on, look lively.
22:41Hey, Del, look.
22:48Oh, what?
22:50Look.
22:51Oh, no, they've only pinched our table.
22:53Oh, never mind about a table.
22:54Look at them two.
22:55Yeah, well, I wanted to sit down.
22:56Well, sit at their table.
22:58Come on.
23:05Well, go on, then, Del.
23:07Go on, what?
23:08Do the piss, I'll chat them up.
23:09How come it's always me that's got to do all the donkey work, eh?
23:13You're like the spy, you are, Rodders.
23:14You're the one who finds out where the enemy is hiding,
23:17but I'm the one who's got to charge across no-man's land
23:19and do the capturing.
23:20Well, I think it's about time that you took some of the old shot and shell.
23:23Go on.
23:24What, me chat them up?
23:26Yeah, go on.
23:28All right, I'll do it.
23:31Well, go on, then.
23:33I will.
23:39What are you doing?
23:44Eh?
23:44What are you doing?
23:45Psyking myself up.
23:48It's all right, be with you in a minute, girls.
23:50He's just psyching himself up.
23:51Shut up!
23:52Come on, look, behave yourself.
23:54Now, look, this is kamikaze time.
23:56Now, go on, get over there.
23:57I will.
23:58Well, go on, then.
23:59In my own time, Del.
24:00Well, go on, then.
24:13Just shut up.
24:14Here we are.
24:26Oi!
24:27Soppy!
24:28Come here!
24:30I'd like to kill you sometimes.
24:37Sometimes I'd really like to work you bad.
24:39What was that silly walk for?
24:41Your gut's playing you up again.
24:42Not a silly walk.
24:43It was body language.
24:44Look, I've got this book on it.
24:45Body language?
24:46I thought you were limping.
24:48I was talking to him.
24:49Talking?
24:50You were lisping?
24:51What were you supposed to be saying, then?
24:52Well, the walk was saying...
24:54pelvis.
24:57Virility.
24:58It was saying,
24:58now, here comes a man who's got natural masculinity and maturity.
25:03Oh.
25:03From back here, it was saying,
25:05here comes a man with his truss on back to front.
25:08Look, just don't do it.
25:10Right?
25:10Don't do it.
25:12Now, go over again,
25:13and this time, walk normal.
25:16Well, I'm not going back there now, am I?
25:17I've made myself look a right lemon.
25:19No, you haven't.
25:20Go on.
25:20Well, after I've bought a mere attempt halfway through,
25:22now you go.
25:23Well, after you've made a right lemon of yourself,
25:25no way, brother.
25:25No.
25:26Now, listen.
25:28Come here, look.
25:29Tell what we'll do.
25:29We'll act cool, right?
25:31Just come on,
25:32stroll casually over to the bar.
25:34We'll get ourselves a drink,
25:36and then when they're not looking...
25:37Sneak out.
25:38We'll sneak...
25:38No.
25:39So, when they're not looking,
25:42we'll ambush them.
25:44You, Wally.
25:46Come on.
26:04Hey, Dale.
26:05No, I've got it.
26:05I've got it.
26:06No, just now.
26:07Shut up.
26:07Shut up.
26:09This is what we're going to do.
26:12You're going to leave the club.
26:14Leave?
26:15Yeah.
26:16Then when you get outside,
26:17you leave it a couple of minutes, right?
26:18Then you come back to the dormant,
26:19and you say that there is a brand new
26:20Rolls-Royce Corniche
26:22obstructing your freewheel van.
26:25Why?
26:26Well, because then he'll come on the mic,
26:28won't he, and say,
26:28will the owner of the brand new
26:30Rolls-Royce Corniche
26:31kindly move it
26:32as it is obstructing
26:33some saps freewheel van?
26:35See, then I will
26:35casually get up,
26:37jangling my keys,
26:40and join you outside.
26:44Why?
26:46Well, because them birds will think
26:47that I drive a brand new
26:49Rolls-Royce Corniche,
26:50won't they?
26:51Oh, yeah.
26:54Yeah, but they'll also think
26:55that I drive a three-wheel van.
26:57Yeah, well, you do, don't you?
26:59Yeah, I know I do,
27:00but I don't want them knowing that,
27:01do I?
27:01Well, they won't, will they?
27:03Because you'll be outside.
27:05With you?
27:06Right.
27:08So that means
27:09the girls will be in here
27:11in the warm,
27:12and us two shrewdies
27:13will be outside on the pavement
27:14somewhere congratulating each other,
27:16then we're going to have to pay
27:17to get back in again.
27:25Yeah, all right.
27:25Yeah.
27:26All right, then, clever dick.
27:28All right, what we'll do,
27:29we'll play it by you.
27:30We'll just go over there
27:31and engage them in conversation, right?
27:32Right.
27:33Right.
27:33I know I'll do it a minute, Bill.
27:39What?
27:40What sort of conversation
27:41are you going to engage them in, eh?
27:42I mean, you always tell lies, don't you?
27:44You always say,
27:45oh, yeah, you've got flash cars
27:46and we're film producers
27:47and we've got a private jet,
27:49don't you?
27:50Well, everyone exaggerates
27:51now and then, Rodney.
27:52Yeah, but I don't know what to say.
27:53I get embarrassed.
27:55Look, just tell them the truth, right?
27:56Just tell them about our lives
27:57and what we do.
27:59All right, all right.
28:00I just want to sit down.
28:02You can do the talking.
28:03Right.
28:03I don't know what to do
28:04when you can do it.
28:05It's my wallet, Bill.
28:06Oh, God almighty.
28:08But what shall I say to them?
28:09What?
28:10Well, I don't know.
28:11Why don't you tell them
28:12that you went down the auction
28:14on Friday
28:14and bought a 1962 A40?
28:16That you sold 30 Christmas trees
28:18in the market
28:19and knocked out two gross
28:20of fire salvage Rubik cubes
28:21in Croydon Shopping Precinct?
28:23You know, tantalise them, Rodney.
28:25Tantalise them.
28:26Don't think it might bore them?
28:28No.
28:29They won't have had so much fun
28:30since their last exorcism.
28:32I want to talk about Christmas.
28:33Yeah, that's a good idea.
28:35Tell them all about the giblets.
28:37Come on.
28:39No, they'll hold it.
28:40Look, I shall kick you in the...
28:42shins in a minute.
28:44Now what?
28:45Which one do you fancy?
28:47Not yours.
28:48Look, they're both very nice.
28:51Look, I ain't particular.
28:53No, I ain't particular neither.
28:54Good.
28:55I'll have the blonde one then.
28:56No, I fancy the blonde one.
28:57No, Gordon.
28:58Then hit.
29:00Now listen,
29:01the dark-haired one
29:02is very nice.
29:03And if I'm not mistaken,
29:04I've seen her two or three times
29:06coming out of Guy's Hospital.
29:07Now, either she is a very sick girl
29:09or she's a nurse.
29:10Now, you like a nice nurse,
29:12don't you, eh?
29:12Particularly if they're in uniform, eh?
29:15Well, you know,
29:16take it or leave it, you know.
29:18Anyway, she's not wearing a uniform, is she?
29:21Well, of course she ain't.
29:22You don't come to the Monte Carlo Club
29:24dressed up like Sister George, do you?
29:26On the other hand,
29:27she might have her uniform with her.
29:29Oh, yeah,
29:30stuffed in her handbag
29:31in case she sees an accident
29:32on the way home.
29:34All right,
29:35so she hasn't got her uniform with her.
29:37On the other hand,
29:38she might have something
29:38for your stomach,
29:39mightn't she?
29:41Now, come along,
29:42we're going to make our move
29:43and I'm going to do all the talking.
29:45So if you should hear things
29:46like Lamborghini,
29:48Malibu Beach
29:48or Lady Diana,
29:50don't get nervous.
29:52All right.
29:52All right.
30:02You dozy little twonk, Rodney.
30:05Me?
30:06Don't blame me, girl.
30:07It's your fault.
30:08Look, five minutes ago,
30:09I was ready to make my move
30:10and you kept calling me back again.
30:12An hour ago,
30:13I was halfway across that floor
30:14and you called me back.
30:15Yes, that's because you was
30:16doing a silly walk,
30:17weren't you?
30:18But anyway,
30:18your timing was all wrong.
30:20The girls had hardly sat down
30:21and you were steaming across the floor
30:22like Ivor the engine.
30:25No good crashing in there
30:26with a smile and a prayer.
30:28A woman needs time, Rodney.
30:31Yeah,
30:31all them tactics
30:32have never failed me in the past.
30:33No, I know,
30:34it wouldn't do
30:34with them oval teenies
30:35that you chat up.
30:36Listen,
30:36I've heard your line of patter,
30:38my son.
30:39If they don't know Adamant's birthday
30:40or the Chelsea result,
30:41it's goodnight Vienna,
30:42innit?
30:43With me,
30:44it's different.
30:45I take a woman's feelings
30:46into consideration.
30:48I do.
30:51Look,
30:51when a woman goes out with me,
30:53she is guaranteed
30:53three things.
30:55Well,
30:56four,
30:56actually,
30:56but a fourth
30:57is an optional extra.
30:58She is guaranteed
30:59a well-dressed man.
31:01Yes,
31:02she is.
31:03She's guaranteed
31:04a steak meal
31:05and she is guaranteed
31:07care and consideration.
31:09Oh,
31:09now,
31:09oh,
31:09yes,
31:10she is.
31:11Take a woman's feelings
31:12into consideration.
31:14No,
31:14it's,
31:14it's so easy
31:15to hurt her deeply
31:17with a faultless word,
31:18a badly timed gesture.
31:21No,
31:22I don't care about
31:23women's feelings.
31:25It's too much pain
31:26in this world,
31:26Rodney,
31:27without me causing more.
31:31Excuse me,
31:40ladies,
31:41it's getting rather late
31:42and my brother and I
31:43were wondering
31:44if you were thinking
31:44about going home yet.
31:46Oh,
31:47yes,
31:47we were just going
31:48to get our coats.
31:49Oh,
31:49good.
31:49We can have your chairs
31:50in,
31:50can't we?
31:53Come on,
31:54come on,
31:55really.
31:55Excuse me.