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00:00Oh, more Christmas cards. Good heavens. So many friends. Just a minute.
00:17That makes 112. That must be a record. If anyone else down the avenue starts boasting about how
00:26many Christmas cards they've had, I trust you'll remember my record? Yes, madam. Of course,
00:33you're only temporary. My regular postman, he would know best where to mention my record
00:39of 112. I'll pass the word around. Good. I'll tell everybody. You don't want to do it. I was
00:45never one to boast. And a merry Christmas. Oh. More Christmas cards? Are they genuine or are
01:01they more of those you've written to yourself? I regard it as a service to those people who
01:09may have misplaced my address. I'm sure they'd like to think they'd sent me a card. Now just
01:18put those up, will you, dear? Where?
01:20Oh, in the wood. Oh, holy bed. The McKay residence, the lady of the house speaking. Sheridan, how
01:30lovely to hear from you, dear. He's had all the Christmas money he's getting. You don't
01:37mention money. He's just ringing his mummy. Yes, dear, it's going to be the usual hectic
01:44Christmas. Popularity has its penalties. I've already had to find room for 112 cards. And
01:53this will be the first Christmas without you, dear. I don't know how mummy will cope. If
01:58you ask for more money, I don't know how daddy will cope. Well, I knew that one day you'd
02:04grow up and leave us. You call this leaving us? Only I didn't realise you'd be going quite
02:10so far away. Oh, yes. I think it's splendid of you and Tarquin to go and help rebuild Romania.
02:18But do wear something worn, dear. You need how much? Well, bring me from Romania and reverse
02:27the charges. Richard is walking about the garden beating himself on the head. Oh, he often
02:41does that. I'm not surprised. If I had to live with hyacinth, I think I'd often do that. Sometimes
02:47after I've been there, I find myself doing that. Poor Richard. The man needs a break. After all,
02:56it is Christmas. Are you sure about this? The old folks will be when you're distributing their
03:03gifts. And do try and show a little Christmas enthusiasm, Richard. You're such a fool. Well, and not only the old
03:15folk, dear. I want you to be the star turn at my Boxing Day candlelight supper for our specials. I want you to be the surprise.
03:26Oh, I will be. I can see it now. During the proceedings, I want you to slip away quietly. I sometimes think about slipping
03:35away quietly. And return as Father Christmas. I can just see Onslow's face when he sees me in
03:43this. I'm not going to all this trouble for Onslow. Don't be silly. Onslow and my family will come as usual on Christmas Eve.
03:53Oh, you decided then? They are my family. And I love them dearly. Especially at this time of year when it gets dark early.
04:03I can cope when they're in the house. It's when arriving and especially leaving. Onslow's rarely in a
04:16condition that I'd want the neighbours to see. Have you seen Father's whistle? He's looking for his whistle
04:30and the rest of his uniform. What uniform? His Cub Scout uniform. That's going back a bit.
04:38Oh, I wish you'd both get up and make yourselves presentable. I'm expecting a visit from a Mr. Sudbury.
04:45Oh, so that's who comes at Christmas. A Mr. Sudbury. And all these years people have been calling
04:51him Father Christmas. Will you get up, Onslow? Of course, the smart move would be to stay here till
04:58after Boxing Day. Otherwise, we'll only have to get dressed up and go to your house since family dinner.
05:04Oh, Lord. Ah, since family dinner.
05:15Now, you know how they all look forward to my family Christmas dinner. I can't disappoint them.
05:21It gives them something to remember during the long winter months.
05:27How does that feel, dear?
05:32I can't breathe.
05:33Well, of course you can breathe.
05:39No, Richard, please don't make those vulgar noises.
05:43If there's one thing that distinguishes us from other people, it's the absence of vulgar noises.
05:48I feel ridiculous.
05:51No, it suits you, Richard.
05:54If you don't believe me, we'll get an independent opinion.
05:58No, I don't want anybody to see me.
06:01Now, don't be so modest, dear.
06:04I am seeing you.
06:05Now, off you go, dear. Try the effect on Emmett and Elizabeth.
06:09All right, brother, shan't be long.
06:15Just get back quickly, Liz.
06:17I hate being alone in case Hyacinth calls.
06:19I never know what to say to her.
06:21Oh, you don't have to say anything.
06:23Let your mind wander.
06:26I think about knitting patterns.
06:28I think about strangling her.
06:32Well, lock the door behind me and pretend you're out.
06:35There's no need to be so alarmed.
06:37It's only me.
06:44Can I come in?
06:44I feel such a shame.
06:57I thought you were supposed to use the chimney.
06:58Can't we do something about this old junkie?
07:07I've done something about this old junkie.
07:10Look inside.
07:17Please, look at this.
07:18I think that's lovely on the floor.
07:25Not bad, is it?
07:28And people say he's just a bum.
07:31I think he's very talented, what he's done with just a heap of old junk.
07:38I was thinking more along the lines of moving it.
07:41That there is a piece of abstract art.
07:45If you look at it that way, you can see I'm actually making a statement.
07:50Well, I hope Mr Sudbury sees it like that.
07:54Who is this Mr Sudbury?
07:56Why are you making such a fuss about him?
07:58Oh, days, Mr Sudbury's different.
08:02So was the last one.
08:04Talk about bow-legged.
08:06First time I've seen anybody try and cross their legs and miss.
08:11Oh, days.
08:12Mr Sudbury's really different.
08:15He's tall, he's elegant, and he's a wonderful dancer.
08:26Rose!
08:27I wish you had more romance in me.
08:57Little donkey, little donkey.
09:05Oh, am I through to the Thorganby residence?
09:09Well, what a timid little voice.
09:14Now, run along, Poppet, and tell your mummy, Mrs Thorganby,
09:18that there's a nice lady wanting to speak with her.
09:23Oh, you are Mrs Thorganby.
09:27It's his litter.
09:29Yes, well, this is Hyacinth.
09:32Bouquet, dear.
09:35Richard's wife.
09:37Richard, your husband's deputy in the Department of Finance and General Purposes.
09:45Yes, that Hyacinth.
09:47Oh, there's a funny noise on the line, dear.
09:50It sounds like someone in pain.
09:53That's better.
09:53Now, I'm just ringing to remind you that you promised to call in with your husband over the Christmas period
10:00to partake of mulled wine and a hot mince pie.
10:03Come at any time that suits you, Mrs Thorganby.
10:08Goodbye.
10:10What a silly little voice.
10:14Have another one, Richard.
10:16Just a very, very small one.
10:19What about a very, very large one?
10:21Oh, Emmett!
10:24Cheers.
10:25Cheers.
10:26Why are you wearing that outfit?
10:28It's fate.
10:30I thought it might be Hyacinth.
10:32Me, they're one and the same.
10:36Merry Christmas, anyway.
10:37Well, come on.
10:51Come on.
10:57Come on.
11:05Come on, sir.
11:13Will you tell Fred and Ginger to go in Twinkle Toes down the street and see if they can find father?
11:18He's off again.
11:20He's not passed this way.
11:21Where's he gone?
11:23Gone scouting.
11:25Need new whistle.
11:27It's often the first thing to go.
11:30I've noticed that.
11:35Jingle bells, jingle bells.
11:40Oh, do come in, Elizabeth.
11:43Make yourself at home.
11:45Just take your shoes off, dear.
11:47Why don't you do Hyacinth?
11:48It's just that I've been asked to collect on behalf of the safe.
11:50Oh, a very commendable, dear.
11:53Of course we'll contribute.
11:55Not that we don't already in our own way.
11:57Richard will very soon be distributing gifts to the old folk and my Sheridan's rebuilding Romania.
12:06Thank you, Hyacinth.
12:08I'll put my shoes on now.
12:10Oh, I wonder who that will be.
12:12Probably Reggie Thorganby.
12:15Richard's head of department.
12:17Reggie and Fiona are popping in for mulled wine and hot mince pies.
12:20They were so insistent.
12:24The Bacay residence, the lady of the house speaking.
12:32So sorry, Hyacinth.
12:34Oh, and just as I've given my lacquered woodblock, it's Christmas polish, Elizabeth.
12:41Violet, I thought you were in Ibiza for Christmas, dear.
12:44Oh, I see.
12:49Bruce is acting in the theatre.
12:51Only amateur, of course, but still.
12:56A principal role.
12:57Oh, you must be very proud, Violet.
13:01Well, why aren't you proud, dear?
13:03He loves dressing up.
13:05It's better that he does it in the theatre.
13:09But why shouldn't he wear his costume all day?
13:11Oh, I thought I saw him.
13:12Oh, Harry, dear, you and I have no secrets, Elizabeth.
13:18What role is Bruce playing?
13:21Cinderella.
13:22I'm calling Elizabeth.
13:27But you know how busy I am, dear.
13:29No.
13:35Oh!
13:36So what do you mean Bruce is going around everywhere in his Cinderella outfit?
13:55He's gone into town.
13:58Well, tell people he's rehearsing.
14:01Spread the word for heaven's sake.
14:06Look on the bright side, Violet. At least Cinderella married well.
14:29No, I must go and find Richard.
14:33Oh, what?
14:36What did you do in the dish?
14:41Terribly sorry, Hyacinth. Your wreath fell off.
14:44Well, put it back again, dear. I must find Richard.
14:46No, I'll find Richard. You put the wreath back on.
14:51And if you ever saw it, you would always say it glows.
14:55It glows.
14:56Richard!
15:11Hyacinth will kill you!
15:15Hyacinth who?
15:17Was your father ever in the scouts?
15:26Of course he was in the scouts.
15:29You don't think he'd wear a uniform under false pretenses?
15:32If he's only wearing them little shorts, they can hardly call it false pretenses.
15:36Speaking of false pretenses, I suppose we'd better warn our Hyacinth.
15:42Oh, how nice.
15:47An extra trip to your Hyacinth.
15:50You really know how to make a bloke's Christmas.
15:52That was Hyacinth.
16:01She is ready for Richard to drive her.
16:05Right. Right.
16:07But you can't drive her.
16:11And neither can you.
16:13She does most of the driving by word of mouth.
16:17All right, then, you two.
16:21Come on, give me that father Christmas outfit.
16:24Hey.
16:25Now, Richard, you will have to get the bus.
16:28What bus?
16:29You've got to distribute the gifts.
16:30Turn right, Richard.
16:31Turn left, Richard.
16:33And you will sober up, too.
16:35All right?
16:36I'll be with the old folk waiting for you.
16:39You will never get away with it.
16:40You don't even sound like me.
16:42All she has to do is listen like you.
16:45Oh, that's true.
16:47Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
16:58The door, Richard.
17:02You mustn't forget our manners just because we're dressed as Father Christmas.
17:07Thank you, dear.
17:08I hope you thought of suitable things to say to each one of the old folk.
17:12And please remember not to say Merry X-mas.
17:23You know, I can't abide people who put Merry X-mas on their greetings cards.
17:28Especially when they spell Merry with an I and an E.
17:38Not so fast, Richard.
17:40Watch the car on the left.
17:42Warn this pedestrian in case he suddenly decides to step into the road.
17:50Did you expect him to hear that, dear?
17:56Did you see?
17:57You heard that.
18:00Oh, no.
18:02It's Onslow and Daisy.
18:03They mustn't see us.
18:04Quick, turn into this petrol station and put your foot down.
18:19They must be going to the house.
18:22Thank goodness we're out.
18:27Turn right, dear.
18:28Mind the car.
18:35Isn't that the Thorganby's car?
18:38Goodness, yes, it is.
18:39They must be heading for our house.
18:42Oh, they'll meet Onslow and Daisy.
18:45We've got to stop them, Richard.
18:51Mr. and Mrs. Thorganby.
18:53How lucky we ran into you.
18:56Damn nearly, anyway.
18:59Slight change of plan.
19:00We thought we'd take you first to the church hall
19:03to see Richard dispensing gifts to the poor.
19:08My husband's highly thought of in charitable circles.
19:12Really?
19:14A bit dramatic, that, Richard.
19:16You scared the daylights out of me.
19:21Really?
19:21Really?
19:22Really?
19:22And then back to our house for some more Christmas surprises.
19:35Surprises?
19:35I'm not sure I can stand any more.
19:39Just mild wine and a hot mince pie.
19:43Richard's so looking forward to the two of you in a quiet corner.
19:47I beg your pardon.
19:49To discuss the subject of his early retirement.
19:51Oh, that.
19:53Oh, that.
19:55Yes.
19:59Richard will lead.
20:00You follow close behind.
20:02Morning, er, go straight through.
20:13Good morning.
20:18Good day, Vicar.
20:19Won't be a moment.
20:20Mrs. Bucket.
20:22Okay.
20:24I'm sorry.
20:25Your father's here.
20:26Daddy, here?
20:29Yes.
20:31How kind of you, Vicar, to invite Daddy to receive a gift.
20:35He wasn't actually invited, Mrs. Bucket.
20:38Okay.
20:40He just arrived, and rather unexpectedly.
20:43In what way, unexpectedly?
20:45Well, I wasn't actually in the hall at the time.
20:47I just heard the scream.
20:51Won't be a moment.
20:53What scream?
20:54Miss Winthorpe.
20:55Who?
20:56She's secretary of the over-seventies club.
20:58Oh, I see.
21:00I expect Daddy was carried away by the festive season.
21:04And he must have started celebrating long before he arrived here.
21:08Hmm?
21:08He also seems to be wearing very little.
21:13Just like Daddy.
21:14I expect he's given everything to the poor.
21:17Well, nearly everything.
21:18And he's going around kissing everyone under the mistletoe.
21:22Yes, Daddy does so love the old customs.
21:25He certainly loves that one.
21:34Why don't you pop inside and I'll slip Daddy into something warmer?
21:38He looked warm enough when I left him.
21:39Oh, baby.
21:41Oh, no.
21:42Be with you in a moment.
21:43Don't kiss.
21:44Don't kiss.
21:48You want to be kissed.
21:52Don't do that.
21:54Nasty little man.
21:55I must ask you to take him away from here, Mrs. Bouquet.
21:59And as soon as possible.
22:01Come along, Daddy.
22:07Don't do that.
22:08It's not very nice.
22:11You soon feel better now you've had one of your pills.
22:14Now, wear this for hire, synth, dear.
22:18We're leaving.
22:19I've promised the vicar that I'll see you safely home.
22:22Oh, to think that he was once such a power in painting by number circles.
22:33I suppose we're very lucky this year's pantomime happens to be Dick Whittington.
22:37I just wish you could remember where you've left your own clothes, dear.
22:42Now, look.
22:42Wait here for a moment.
22:43Well, I see that the coast is clear.
22:46I don't want any more surprises today.
22:55Richard?
22:57Did someone call?
22:59Richard?
23:00Wait here.
23:01Richard?
23:01I feel...
23:02Elizabeth?
23:05Yes?
23:06I'm terribly sorry, Hyacinth.
23:07What are you doing here?
23:08What's going on?
23:09Well, you see, there's a place.
23:10I couldn't find you.
23:11I couldn't find you.
23:11I couldn't find you.
23:12I couldn't find you.
23:13I'm so sorry.
23:15There is no time for apologies.
23:17You can have your Christmas kiss later, Richard.
23:21Shh.
23:22Before Father Christmas arrives...
23:24We've all got to get out of here.
23:25...set the scene with some Christmas music on the piano.
23:31What's I should do with a cat?
23:33I must have drank more than I thought.
23:35It's Daddy.
23:37Oh, it's a Tomcat.
23:41Don't just stand there.
23:43Try and find Daddy's clothes.
23:45They must be hidden somewhere.
23:46Shh.
23:46That includes you, Emmett.
23:47Oh, no.
23:48Oh, do stop playing with your whiskers, Daddy.
23:52Elizabeth, I need your help, dear.
23:54Now, look what you've done.
23:56You've broken it.
23:57I have to get Daddy out of here, into Onslow's car, without the fog and be seen.
24:04Tony, me.
24:16Tony, who's that?
24:21It's Daddy, of course.
24:23Oh.
24:24I can't get him into the car.
24:26I don't want the Thorganbys to see too much.
24:28Who?
24:29The Thorganbys.
24:32Richard's head of department.
24:34They're coming back to our house for a glass of mulled wine and a hot mince pie.
24:38They've followed us here in their car.
24:40Oh.
24:41They've gone.
24:42Gone?
24:42Oh, no.
24:47And after I've been to all this trouble, how thoughtless.
24:52Daddy.
24:53Daddy.
25:00Oh.
25:06Oh, no.
25:07Control yourself, Daddy.
25:09I've given you one of your pills.
25:12Oh, no.
25:13Low and high, isn't it?
25:15Hey.
25:16Oh, there's this.
25:18It means me, Dickie.
25:19I've got a little bit of unfinished business.
25:32What's on, sir?
25:35That's true.
25:39I suppose that's what Christmas is all about.
25:57Right in there.
26:06Come around, Richard.
26:08There's no time for that sort of thing.
26:12What better time, then?
26:16Rose, put Mr Hawksworth down at once.
26:20What on earth is going on out here?
26:22Rose, there's the vicar.
26:23Thank you, Hyacinth.
26:27Happy Christmas, Vicar.
26:39This is the season of goodwill, Vicar.
26:41And my sister takes goodwill very seriously.
26:44Anyway, we're all going now.
26:45Well, since we all seem to be celebrating Christmas already,
26:56we may as well carry on.
26:57Good idea.
26:59Oh, I'm so...
27:01Oh.
27:03Why don't we all go over to our house
27:05and have mulled wine and hot mince pies?
27:08Woo!
27:08Woo!
27:10And, Onslow, when we get there,
27:13would you park your car somewhere discreet?
27:16How about the next street?
27:17Oh, I love it.
27:20Christmas suits you, Onslow.
27:22Beep.
27:24Hello, Elizabeth.
27:25Emmert.
27:26Richard.
27:29Gaze.
27:30See you later, Rose.
27:31You've got to drive.
27:32I'm too shook up.
27:33You drive, Elizabeth.
27:38Look, all right.
27:39Oh, this is Christmas fun.
27:41What a pity it's only once a year.
27:43I'll get in the back.
27:44Onslow!
27:46Please don't trap Daddy's tail in the door.
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