- 2 days ago
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00:00was that the papers are you asleep Richard I'm surprised you can sleep you
00:15know it's an important day for me I'll be surprised if you can sleep much
00:24longer did you both the door door it's that thing that stops the being a hole in
00:35the wall a particularly dangerous time for intruders what happens to them I'm only
00:49thinking of our safety I don't want you worrying about intruders I wasn't
00:55worrying I was asleep lucky you I might be asleep if I thought you'd bolted the
01:02door why don't I go and bolt the door Richard would you
01:12what a kind thought and see if the papers come while you're there oh that's what
01:21this is all about I thought I heard a noise it might have been the paper could
01:28have been an intruder there it is have a good look lad that's the house the lair of
01:52the dragon lady mrs. but she's why we get up an hour early because it's worth it
01:59just to be able to walk down that path and delivered her milk without getting
02:02caught
02:13you want me to go better not I promise your mother I'll look after you you take that side
02:23I'll go I can do it just as long as I know she's safely in bed I'm checking as I go
02:43what are you what are you doing about this hour it's a good question Richard she's not getting up is
03:00she what kind of a man are you making your wife get up this early she's not getting up can I have
03:08that in writing I hope so right I'll clearly thought up just make quite sure that she's not getting up
03:17who are you talking to the milkman why is he always so early nowadays I miss our little chats yes so does he
03:36at every opportunity
03:42Richard you're not going back to sleep again
03:45doesn't look like it
03:47surely you're a little excited to think I'm on the verge of a new career
03:52yeah I am a little excited I'm very sleepy and a little excited
03:57get back to sleep
04:00all right
04:02it's no good
04:11I must be up when the paperboy comes suppose when he pushes it through our letterbox he tears the very page displaying my advertisement
04:20I thought you were going I was going but has it keeps popping out every 30 seconds like a demented cuckoo clock
04:37oh I'm never gonna make it without her spotting me
04:41I thought you wanted to be early today
04:43I did want to be early but not so badly that I want to get entangled with hyacinth
04:47you can't just stay indoors because you might meet hyacinth
04:51oh yes I can
04:53I know when I'm well off
04:55there she goes again
04:58what on earth is she doing
05:00what are you doing
05:21go on, that's a chance
05:22I'm never gonna make it
05:24you won't if you don't hurry
05:26i thought i heard him how can you hear a paper boy half asleep in trainers how much noise could
05:43he make i do hate it when they're late well is he late perhaps i better make a phone call
05:50who would you call for a lost paper boy you can't call anybody he won't be lost he'll be on his way
06:00i wonder if he's avoiding me deliberately because i made him wash his ears
06:06what gave you cause to do that i caught him poking them
06:11i will not have my papers delivered by someone who pokes his ears
06:17you brought the paper boy in to wash his ears good heavens no richard of course i didn't
06:27do i look like the kind of person who'd have a paper boy indoors
06:31no i took him out a wet wipe
06:35and i stood over him until he'd done the job properly
06:40i may not be able to influence many other ways of this world
06:45but at least my paper boy has clean ears
06:48paper boy
06:49oh
06:57what a beautiful cooey
07:00good morning emmett
07:01off to work then
07:03no no
07:05i thought i'd just pop out and begin strangling overpowering ladies
07:08oh that's nice have you seen the paper boy
07:12so that's who you're waiting for
07:15i have an advertisement in the paper this morning
07:17i want to make sure they've placed it somewhere suitable
07:20i know what you mean hyacinth
07:22there are certain things that we encounter in life that we'd all love to place somewhere suitable
07:26ah there he is now
07:29about time
07:30i'm sorry emmett
07:32i can't stop to converse
07:34we must have our chat some other time
07:38young man
07:40what has happened to you
07:55have you ever tried to catch a paper boy
07:58tea
08:01tea
08:02oh
08:04is your advert in
08:06oh
08:06see if you can find it will you dear
08:08oh
08:11i can't focus properly
08:13the world's dancing about
08:15oh
08:16oh i'll have to collect myself before the phone begins to ring
08:21now that my advertisements appeared
08:25i shall be inundated with calls
08:27you'll have to help me richard
08:28are you sure it's in this week
08:30look for somewhere prestigious
08:32it's quite small
08:35but they promised specifically to put it somewhere prestigious
08:38what does it say
08:39experienced hostess
08:41offers her services for your special occasion
08:44followed by my telephone number
08:51is that all no wonder i can't find it
08:57short and dignified dear
09:00you know me i'm never one to go on at length
09:03not a lot of people know that
09:07don't be silly dear
09:11don't be silly
09:11here it is
09:12short and dignified
09:16it's a big day for me richard
09:20this could be the start of something important
09:23i could become the barbara cartland of the west midland social circuit scene
09:28yes not to mention a paperboy wet wiper of the year
09:34it's not just a career richard
09:38it's my duty to share my impeccable taste for a well laid table
09:43in my own small way
09:45i shall begin to advise and educate the nation in gracious living
09:49for my advanced classes
09:52i shall teach people to sparkle incandescently at their candlelight suppers
09:57oh i do hope you'll stop me richard if i ever decide to chase another paperboy
10:07now what shall i wear to answer the telephone
10:12you used to like me in that pink dress
10:20you used to say wow dave that pink dress
10:24what was it you liked about my pink one
10:34you pink what
10:39my pink dress
10:41you said you liked me in that pink dress
10:43oh dave what kind of way is that to wake a person up
10:47other people get a cup of tea
10:50you said i looked really edible in that pink dress
10:54you haven't got a pink dress
10:59not now
11:00you tore it off me that night
11:03i tore it off you
11:08yes you did
11:09you must have been on fire
11:11it was you that was on fire
11:19you said i looked like a strawberry ice with caramel topping
11:25you had to be prevented from looking me all over
11:31how long ago was this
11:39it was before we were married
11:42i figured that much
11:44will you come here a moment dear
11:48tell me
11:51does this look suitable
11:53for what
11:54for answering the telephone
11:56does it really matter what she looked like answering the phone
12:01well of course it matters richard
12:04people have a right to expect their social advisor
12:07to be suitably attired when answering the telephone
12:10oh
12:11richard
12:14it could be my first client
12:16the bouquet residence
12:19the lady perhaps speaking
12:21oh it's you violet
12:24look violet i can't stay long on the telephone dear
12:27i'm expecting some very important business calls
12:31i don't remember tearing your dress off
12:34are you sure you were with me
12:37do you mind
12:39i don't usually tear your dress off
12:41i've noticed
12:43i've usually got it off before i get through the door
12:47is this one of roses engagement parties
12:50yeah
12:51well that doesn't narrow it down much
12:54your rose has had more engagement parties than i've had bags of crisps
12:59i heard that
13:02father's already up and dressed
13:04what's his hurry
13:05oh he goes to his hobby circle today
13:08but that's not till this evening
13:10he doesn't want to be late
13:11rose
13:13who were you getting engaged to
13:16when i wore a pink dress
13:18a pink dress
13:20i can't remember
13:22me neither
13:23he was at one of your engagement dues
13:26what was i wearing
13:28well it wouldn't be white i can tell you that
13:30but where are we going
13:34now sit there richard
13:36and then you won't miss any calls
13:38i can hear the phone perfectly well from the lounge
13:43no you'll be quite comfy dear
13:44read something
13:46look the telephone book
13:49now i won't be a moment
13:52i'm simply going to invite elizabeth for coffee
13:56well why don't you phone her
13:57that's what you normally do
13:58richard
13:59we have to keep this line free
14:02it's bad enough that calls from people responding to my advertisement
14:06will have to take their turn stacking up at the exchange
14:09without making bt's life even more difficult
14:13we may have to have a second line in store
14:17oh anyway
14:18if there's a call for me
14:20fetch me immediately
14:22i'll do that
14:24oh and do answer the telephone nicely richard
14:28the way i do
14:30no i do not have a special offer on spicy prawn balls
14:51this is not the chinese takeaway
14:56and will you please get off my white slimline telephone
15:00with last number re-dial
15:01we'll soon find out when it was
15:05i've got rose sorting out photos from her engagement parties
15:08well you better give her hand to carry them
15:10otherwise she'll give herself a hernia
15:12the sum of rose's photos in here
15:21it's somewhere
15:22we can put that album on one side
15:26those are me early ones
15:28yes we can forget about the black and white ones
15:31and the sepia
15:34there you are dear
15:42thank you hyacinth
15:43i'm so glad you could come elizabeth
15:47but don't be surprised if i have to dash off to answer the telephone
15:51sounds very exciting this new venture of yours hyacinth
15:54yes doesn't it
15:56also i feel it's a duty on my part you know
16:00good taste is so very rare these days
16:04there's a whole world out there in need of my advice
16:07cream
16:08oh thank you hyacinth
16:09what exactly are the services you're offering
16:15oh everything connected with social etiquette
16:19and gracious entertaining
16:20sugar
16:20thank you
16:22everything from how to lay a table
16:25in the manner of your social bettors
16:26oh no tongs
16:29to advice on menus for the unimaginative
16:33unimaginative?
16:35hmm the kind of things people experience at my candlelight suppers
16:39i wouldn't mind a coffee
16:46richard
16:48go and sit by the telephone dear
16:50we will hear it in here
16:54excuse me elizabeth
16:55do help yourself to a biscuit dear
16:58now look richard
17:01i cannot be in two places at once
17:04i want you to sit here
17:05with pencil at the ready
17:07to take down names and addresses
17:09but i can hear the telephone
17:12perfectly well in the kitchen
17:14shh
17:15precisely
17:16delicious aren't they
17:20look
17:24i couldn't say this in front of elizabeth
17:27but she does have this unfortunate habit
17:29of dropping something every time the telephone rings
17:32if this happens
17:34i might be distracted
17:35torn between the ringing
17:37and the fate of my polish table
17:39or handmade burmese rug
17:41now sit here
17:44with your pencil
17:46at the ready
17:47sitting with my pencil
17:53at the ready
17:55oh i liked him
18:01i wish you'd married this one
18:03oh that one
18:05yes
18:05it looked all right
18:06but it was underpowered
18:08he was underpowered
18:13any more breakfast
18:15you've drunk it all
18:17who's this
18:22when were you engaged to this
18:25i don't know
18:26are you sure it's one of mine
18:28well that's you on his arm
18:31oh yes
18:35i don't remember him at all
18:38would you like a little top up dear
18:48oh no no no that's fine
18:50thank you hyacinth
18:51well you mustn't let it get cold
18:53i shall also advise of course
18:57on appropriate music for elegant soirees
19:00and i know just the person to help me there
19:04emmett
19:05we get on so well your brother and i
19:14i'm sure he'd enjoy working out a programme with me
19:19oh soggy bickies
19:22emmett's very busy hyacinth
19:27perhaps on special occasions
19:29the two of us could perform together musically
19:31only for my very best clients of course
19:35i want this whole thing to be stately and gracious
19:38the essence of the art of entertaining
19:41lies i always think
19:43in establishing an atmosphere of grace and decorum
19:47oh
19:47okay residents the lady of the house speaking
19:55oh it's you daisy
19:58it's my sister daisy
20:00she's not the one with the mercedes sauna and room for a pony
20:05oh richard
20:06oh richard get out of the way
20:08oh richard
20:09who was in the way dear
20:11now daisy
20:14what is it dear
20:16look
20:16i can't stay long on the telephone
20:19this is now a business line
20:21i'm expecting clients to call
20:23how's daddy
20:24ah dear daddy
20:26daddy's gone to his hobby circle
20:29i knew daddy was a born philatelist
20:32do i remember who dear
20:34rose's fiance's
20:37yes i'm afraid i do remember rose's fiance's
20:40the one in the green suit
20:42i mean i can't remember his name but i do vaguely remember someone in a green suit
20:49richard whom did rose become engaged to in a green suit
20:53i don't think i've ever seen rose in a green suit
20:57not her him
21:01or should that be not she he
21:04thank you for the coffee hyacinth
21:09always a pleasure elizabeth
21:10i'd rather you didn't climb over the wall dear
21:15somebody who's read my advertisement might just happen to be watching
21:19you will tell emmet about my little plans for him
21:28oh i think perhaps you'd better tell him hyacinth
21:30i'm sure he'd be thrilled
21:32i'm sure he'd be more than thrilled
21:34and tell him he mustn't be shy
21:37i'll be there with him
21:40he'll be with someone who knows how to conduct herself in social situations
21:46hyacinth telephone
21:49richard
21:52please don't shout in the street
21:56it's not like you to go about shouting in the street
22:00you've got a client
22:02how do i look
22:09hello
22:20scintillating socializing
22:22senior soiree staff supervisor speaking
22:28how many are you 20 oh no we enjoy the larger functions yes no good being elegant if there's no one there to see it
22:40our fees
22:42our fees
22:43oh well i'm sure that normal professional rates will be adequate
22:48i think i think i can promise you you're in for a treat
22:53address
22:54oh that's nice and central yes and time six o'clock and when today today
23:11no well it is rather short notice but don't worry we shan't let you down goodbye
23:19goodbye
23:20oh richard richard my first clients
23:25twenty people all wanting to improve their social graces
23:29ebbot
23:36my musical friend
23:40you look amazing
23:41you look amazing
23:43thank you i'm going consulting
23:46soon i hope
23:49immediately
23:51i'm on my way now
23:52i'm on my way now
23:53if only richard would stop dawdling
23:58richards
24:03what a pity emma couldn't come
24:06i'm sure he was devastated
24:08he would have so enjoyed it
24:11i don't know who these people are but they're clearly interested in music
24:15they invited me to bring my own
24:17why do they need music
24:19background dear
24:21mind the pedestrian
24:22she is on the pavement
24:24she might decide to cross
24:27minding the pedestrian
24:30i can't see 24a can you
24:37i can't even see 24
24:39stop the car
24:4336
24:46we must have passed it reverse richard
24:49i can't because this is a one way street
24:52oh really fancy choosing a one way street
24:56i can't choose
24:58we'll have to walk back
25:05come along richard don't dawdle i mustn't be late
25:21i'm on a double
25:28oh here it is
25:29one above a shop
25:30why not
25:31a group of like-minded enthusiasts need somewhere central to hold their meetings
25:36now wait here richard i'll go and relieve their minds
25:39they must be wondering where i've got to
25:42oh
25:43and i'll find out what time you should come back and pick me up
25:46and i'll find out what time you should come back and pick me up
25:50you
25:57hello richard
25:58david hello
25:59let you out on your own has she
26:01i shouldn't have said that it just slipped out
26:05oh that's all right
26:06no no it's not a very subtle observation
26:08fairly accurate almost then
26:11what am i asking and how long have you been married now
26:1532 years
26:1632 years
26:18good heavens
26:19still look on the bright side
26:21you should be due for parole soon
26:23come along richard
26:30what's the matter what is it
26:33what a mercy i didn't bring my royal dooton with the hand-painted periwinkles
26:37where are we going
26:40we're going home
26:42home
26:43get this door open richard
26:45oh give me those keys
26:48it can't be over already
26:50it is for me
26:53they misread my advert
26:57they were all men
27:00and they thought i was going to be a striptease artist
27:03can't you imagine
27:10now don't get settled richard
27:15you have one last task to perform
27:18what's that
27:20to go back into number 24a
27:23why for goodness sake
27:25to get daddy out
27:28but to run
27:36and we're going to fight
27:37in fact
27:38you know
27:39p
27:45speak
27:50how
27:51must
27:52shake
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