- 06/07/2025
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00I'm for equal rights, equal opportunity, and affordable housing.
00:14I'm mayoral candidate George Melendez, and I approve of a better life for all San Franciscans.
00:21That's my line. Pretty great, huh?
00:23Oh, it's poetry, darling. He's got my vote, that's for damn sure.
00:27Well, I should hope so, Franklin. You're working on his campaign.
00:30Only because you're his campaign manager.
00:32No, I mean, I support what he was saying about free taco night or whatever.
00:39I would vote for him if I voted, but I don't, because all politicians are crooks and liars.
00:45Uh-uh, George is different.
00:46Ah-ha! That's what they said about Gandhi.
00:49If you don't vote, you can't complain.
00:51Sure I can. For starters, there's not enough nudity on PBS. There, I said it.
00:56Maybe I should vote.
00:57How old do you have to be?
00:58Eighteen.
00:59Darn, I'm older than eighteen.
01:00Oh, well.
01:01What color polish do you want?
01:03Clear for me. Kitty?
01:04I'm gonna do that fuck-me-silly-gutter-slut pink.
01:07I'm heading to Allie tonight.
01:09Gonna get me some thickness!
01:12Phineas, out of respect for Gretchen,
01:14I expect you to vote for Senior Melendez as many times as you can.
01:18Not even if you paid me.
01:20I don't mean that literally.
01:21Really, Phineas?
01:22I thought you were a big activist back in the 60s.
01:25Me?
01:26Nah.
01:28Fuck the capitalist pigs!
01:30Workers should own everything!
01:32Let's burn the fucking country to the ground!
01:34Yeah!
01:35I'm with my brother Phineas!
01:37I came up with a name for our movement.
01:39I wrote it down somewhere.
01:41Just gotta find it.
01:43The name's Bernie Sanders.
01:45These rolling papers say Democratic Socialism.
01:48Oh, Bernie's a genius!
01:49I'm with Bernie!
01:50Great original idea!
01:52That is a Bernie dog!
01:53Bernie, Bernie, I mean, we're going to the top!
01:56Oh, I feel a burn!
01:57Feel a burn!
01:59Feel the burn!
02:00He's so much better than Phineas!
02:01Hello, freaks and family!
02:30Guess whose billionaire boss is running for mayor and made me his head of voter outrage!
02:37Uh, can you give us a hint?
02:38Freddie, come on, Jesus.
02:40Let's at least try to guess first without a hint.
02:43Oh, I thought you weren't getting involved in Dennis' political ego trip.
02:47Especially since I'm campaign manager for his opponent.
02:50But then we wouldn't have the unbearable tension and inevitable fight that leads to you two not speaking to each other.
02:55Harper, don't expect any of my votes for your Chinese boss.
02:58Not because he's Chinese, because I don't trust him and I don't know anything about him!
03:03Why do you look at me when you say Chinese?
03:05Because you're Chinese!
03:06If your mom's boss was fat, I'd look at Freddie!
03:12Now, as you all may or may not know, buying votes is illegal.
03:16I wouldn't know.
03:17I'm too old to vote.
03:18Which is why, unrelated to the election, Dennis Chang is giving every San Franciscan a free phone!
03:26Oh, who are you?
03:27Yeah, I got the purple one!
03:29And they're pre-loaded with spending money at participating merchants.
03:34Whose idea?
03:35Your idea, dear!
03:37That is such bullshit, Harper!
03:39You know what?
03:39I'm not even speaking to you right now.
03:41Huh.
03:42I would have given it another couple days.
03:44Check it out.
03:45Mine's pre-loaded with a movie about some cat.
03:48Uh-oh, freaks in the hizzies!
03:53Java or ganja, my good dudes?
03:55Chuck and Charlie, seems like you guys have a new job every week.
04:00Pfft, seems like you guys don't have any job every week.
04:03Ah, it's 11.
04:05Let me have a THC-infused espresso and a blueberry muffin.
04:10Okay, that'll be $12.50.
04:12Cash or another IOU signed Jack Mihoff?
04:15Neither, my friend.
04:16I'll be paying with my fancy new phone.
04:19Oh, no. You know what? Sorry.
04:21We're gonna have to take back that muffin.
04:23Yeah, it could have come in contact with sesame seeds
04:26and with your sesame allergy.
04:27What? How do you know about that?
04:29You blabbing about my business, Chatty Cathy?
04:31Nope. It tells me all about you here.
04:33What the fuck? How does it know about all my personal shit?
04:38Your phone, dude. It's gathering data on you 24-7.
04:42Everywhere you go, everything you buy,
04:45everything you say.
04:47Everything you say.
04:49Oh, my God. What was that?
04:50Fuck this free phone. It ain't worth it.
04:53I'm giving it back.
04:54All right.
04:55My God. Don't you have any self-respect?
04:58You're disgusting.
04:59You'll die early and alone.
05:01Even your mangy cat will be ashamed to be seen with you.
05:04Mangy? Bitch!
05:06The only thing mangy in here is your uptight coochie.
05:09And fuck both of y'all.
05:11I'm already ashamed to be seen with him.
05:13Yeah! Oh.
05:17People been calling you fat your whole life.
05:19For fuck's sake, your mama named you Fat Freddy.
05:22This was different, kiddie.
05:23Used to be they were laughing with me.
05:25Today, they were laughing at me.
05:27Boy, what movie you been watching?
05:29The truth is, I like being big.
05:31I like eating lots and lots of food.
05:33It's the only thing you're good at.
05:35I know! I like who I am.
05:37I wouldn't want to be anyone else.
05:39He's back. That ass Freddy. That's right.
05:42I like tubby time with you, kiddie.
05:44You're a good friend.
05:45Wanna stay friends? Do not stand up.
05:48I don't want to see your little thang thang under them fat foes.
05:51The joke's on you. I'm wearing blue jeans.
05:54Ew!
06:03Got a chubby guy in a bubble bath espousing a positive body image to a cute cat who's meowing back?
06:07Request approval to go viral.
06:09Hmm. Approved.
06:13Win or lose the election, we'll still have the data from our phone giveaway.
06:16I recognize the word win, but that L word, it's not in my vocabulary.
06:20If Steve Jobs had eaten anything other than fruit, he'd be standing here in awe of you.
06:27All right. Here's the deal, Chang.
06:29You're gonna erase all my personal shit off this gizmo and never so much as utter my name again.
06:34I ain't afraid of you. I don't care how much karate you know.
06:38Actually, I'm a black belt.
06:39It's African American belt, you racist.
06:42Uh, hey, Harper. What's for dinner?
06:45Who are these men and why do they smell like that?
06:48They're nobodies.
06:50What the fuck are you guys doing here?
06:52Go away! Quick down!
06:53I will not be silenced!
06:56I'm filming you both to show the world!
07:00What the?
07:01Chang Coe's electronic jamming device. Patent pending.
07:04Two done!
07:05Yes, Mr. Chang.
07:07Show these men the sidewalk.
07:10You see that?
07:12That's the sidewalk.
07:14I meant to squirt them out.
07:17We thought you drowned when we sank the lucky motherfucker.
07:20Hey, did you lose weight?
07:22Come on Nikito. Can eat all the horrible eggs I want.
07:27I beg your pardon.
07:29You keep questionable company, Two-Ton.
07:31This man is a danger to life as we know it.
07:34Ooh.
07:35Hey, are these complimentary?
07:37Go nuts.
07:39Go nuts.
07:40Oh my god. So witty.
07:42You gonna delete my data or not?
07:44I could wipe the data from your Chang phone, but it's also in the cloud and on our proprietary gel drive.
07:50You mind?
07:51Back off, piggy.
07:52Could someone make all your info go away?
07:54Well, I probably could.
07:56But I won't.
07:57Anything else?
07:58Yes.
07:59I vow to never participate in politics again.
08:02But as sure as my tongue is swelling up from the sesame sticks in this delicious potpourri, I vow to defeat you.
08:07I will volunteer all my time for your opponent.
08:12Damn, DC.
08:13His tongue the size of a porcupine.
08:19It's the Keto.
08:23And your secret ingredient is...
08:26Settle!
08:28Freddy, oh my god, you're blowing up!
08:30This is only my second bag, so I gained a few pounds, so what?
08:34You think she knows we got the munchies?
08:36I mean, you're trending.
08:38People love tubby time.
08:39I love tubby time.
08:40When did you decide to do an internet show?
08:43Tubby time is such a cool name, by the way.
08:45Do what now?
08:46I like tubby time with you, kitty.
08:49You're a good friend.
08:52Aw, hell no.
08:53That lighting makes me look like a damn meth head.
08:56I think it's awesome how comfortable you are with your body.
08:59And so do your 800,000 followers.
09:03Oh my god!
09:04Oh my god!
09:05Oh my god!
09:06I don't get it.
09:07Your fans want another episode.
09:09And you'll be like his little sidekick.
09:11Girl, I don't do sidekick, co-star, equal billing, and I want an executive producer credit.
09:18Sounds like Phineas really gave Chang a tongue lashing before it swelled up and almost suffocated him to death.
09:23It was a thing of beauty.
09:25I mean, what he said to him, not his gasp for air before the paramedics arrived, that was a little embarrassing.
09:31Vote Melendez!
09:33And don't vote Chang!
09:35You guys ready to bury this fucker?
09:37Fuck yeah!
09:38Good seeing you pumped up about politics again, buddy.
09:41Yeah, it is.
09:42I really like this side of you, Phineas.
09:44Meaning what?
09:45You didn't like any of my sides before?
09:47You hated me?
09:48What?
09:49No, I...
09:50I'm joking!
09:51Now that my life has purpose, I'm jovial and fun to be around.
09:54I wouldn't go that far.
09:56Barely tolerable.
09:58Noah, tell my sister, who I'm not speaking to, to turn on the TV.
10:02Turn on...
10:03What am I doing?
10:04Translating from spiteful English to English?
10:07Blockbuster photos have surfaced of mayoral candidate George Melendez.
10:11Photos being called shocking, appalling, and sexist.
10:14Let's go to Channel 7's Stephanie Olsen in the Tenderloin.
10:17I'm here with Cheyenne, pronouns they, them, who brought the photos to our attention.
10:23He was Annie in drag!
10:26It's gender appropriation.
10:27It robbed an essential role from a female actor.
10:30George Melendez should be held accountable.
10:33Well, it is an all-boys school.
10:36He should be held accountable for that too!
10:45Cancelled!
10:46Channel 7 News can confirm George Melendez has dropped out of the race.
10:49He has been cancelled.
10:51Cancelled?
10:52What's that mean, cancelled?
10:54Well, it means he's done.
10:56Finished!
10:57Persona non grata in politics, online, and at any decent restaurant.
11:02Well, that's just crazy.
11:04Gretchen, we're gonna fight for George, right?
11:06Ah, it's over.
11:08I'd be lucky to book him on the Lauer Hour.
11:10Matt Lauer's new podcast.
11:12Ugh, so that's it?
11:14Chang is running unopposed?
11:16Except for libertarian candidate Bob Pimko.
11:19Running at 2% in the polls.
11:21Oh!
11:22Well, then it looks like it's Winner Winner Kung Pao Dinner!
11:26Whoa, whoa, whoa!
11:27Whoa, whoa, whoa!
11:28Honey, honey!
11:29What do you think, you're me?
11:30Oh, no, Dennis says that.
11:32He made it up.
11:36Money!
11:38We are so down with the body-positive message, bro.
11:42It's enlightened.
11:43To Chuck.
11:44From your pal, Freddy.
11:46I'm Charlie.
11:47I don't know how to spell that, Chuck.
11:49Sitting in bubbles all the time is making my feet turn yellow.
11:52Man, if you don't put those gnarly, nasty-ass lemon toes away,
11:56you'll scare off all the fans.
11:58This is what the world has come to.
12:00A good man like George gets nailed to the cross.
12:03A fat man like Freddy is a national hero.
12:05Oh, be happy for old Freddy.
12:07It's good to see life give him the long end of the stick for once.
12:11Life gave me the long end of the stick.
12:13Right at my fucking ass!
12:16I was standing here first.
12:18That was State Senator Moffat.
12:19He can't replace George as our candidate.
12:21He's not gonna be out of jail in time.
12:23Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
12:27We gotta find somebody who voters like more than Dennis the Menace.
12:32Whoa!
12:34Freddy!
12:35Freddy!
12:36Freddy!
12:37Freddy!
12:38Freddy!
12:39This may sound crazy, but hear me out.
12:41Freddy?
12:42That's crazy!
12:43But is it?
12:44Freddy pulls ahead of Chang in the head-to-head and has a higher Q rating.
12:47He once ate an entire bag of potatoes without taking them out of the bag.
12:50And could you do that?
12:51What happens when Freddy has to speak?
12:52When people ask him questions besides, what's your name?
12:53Well, I got a thought on that.
12:54What if we got one of those earpiece hiccama jigs for Freddy and you told him what to say?
12:57It's not a bad idea.
12:58You got a mind for politics?
12:59You could be the man behind the man.
13:00Why don't I just be the man?
13:01Because!
13:02People don't like you.
13:03He's right.
13:04They don't.
13:05Hmmhh...
13:10Welcome to another edition of Tubby Time.
13:13I'm Freddy Frikowski…
13:14She's Chitty…
13:15And we have a big announcement.
13:16So, you can hear us then.
13:17I don't hear you.
13:18I'm afraid of him.
13:19They don't.
13:20Hmm.
13:22Welcome to another edition of Tubby Time.
13:25I'm Freddie Freekowski, she's Chitty,
13:28and we have a big announcement.
13:31I'm running for mayo,
13:33which is great because I love mayonnaise.
13:35Mayor!
13:36Dum-dum.
13:37Mayor Dum-dum.
13:38Man behind the man.
13:40This is your new candidate?
13:41Oh, Gretchen, if I were speaking to you,
13:44I'd say it's sad. Just sad.
13:47We just hit two million views!
13:50Oh, that's nice, honey.
13:51Dennis is gonna crush him.
13:52Get out.
13:53No.
13:54No?
13:55Close your eyes, please.
13:58Get out, or I'll drop a deuce!
14:00You wouldn't.
14:02I got one in the chamber!
14:03Don't you dare!
14:04I'm dumping, baby!
14:07Mm-hmm.
14:09I'll just use the one downstairs.
14:12As your mayor, I promise...
14:17I promise that Dennis Chang and Big Business...
14:21Dennis Chang and Big Business...
14:23Will stay out of your business!
14:26Will stay out of your business!
14:29Why aren't they going nuts?
14:33That was my big line.
14:34Do something, fat man.
14:37Look at me.
14:39Woo!
14:40Woah!
14:41Woah-haah!
14:42Woo!
14:44Woo!
14:45Woo!
14:46Woo!
14:47Woo!
14:48Woo!
14:54The sky is above me, open wide...
14:58Woo!
15:01Woo!
15:02Trying to be right and to see them wrong
15:05Need to be real and not a fraud
15:08Cause I want to fall peace
15:10In a world of war
15:13As your mayor, I promise
15:22That Dennis Chang and big business
15:24Will stay out of your business
15:27Finally a crowd with some sense
15:31Great original idea, Freddy
15:33But Freddy's a god
15:34Feel the Freddy
15:36Feel the Freddy
15:37And I will not rest
15:39Until every business in Silicon Valley
15:41Gets burned into the fucking ground
15:44Like a straw hunt in North Vietnam
15:46But you simple-minded sheep
15:48Would rather see this fat fuck
15:49Fart the Star Spangled Banner
15:51Don't say any of that, Freddy
15:52Don't say any of that, Freddy
15:55What the hell?
15:56Uh, hey Phineas, from now on
15:59Why don't you just tell me
16:00What you want Freddy to say
16:02Then I'll tell him
16:03Why the fuck would I do that?
16:05Because Franklin can help soften the edges
16:08So we can appeal to the broadest audience
16:10No, my words are my words
16:13We ain't asking, you are off the mic
16:15But I'm the man behind the man
16:17Well, not anymore
16:18You're more like the man behind the man's behind
16:21You know what I'm saying, right?
16:23Anyway, you're fired
16:24Ladies and gentlemen
16:25Please stand for our national anthem
16:28Hmm, 10 p.m.
16:39Study
16:39If you wanna fuck
16:41Well, here I am, Noah
16:43Wearing crotchless panties
16:45You need to turn the note over
16:48Read the back
16:49Oh, God
16:50Up Freddy's campaign
16:52If you wanna fuck up Freddy's campaign
16:55Okay, that's now making more sense
16:57But if you're horny, I could throw you a hump
17:01You don't have a bad body for an older broad
17:03Oh, to be clear
17:04I would not fuck you
17:06If you were the last man on earth
17:07You say that now
17:09But wait till I'm the last man on earth
17:10I'd sew myself shut
17:12Why would you help me destroy Freddy's campaign?
17:16Because he's a know-nothing who's out of control
17:18And Franklin, Franklin's being a dick to me
17:20Well, what about Dennis?
17:22I thought, that Nazi piece of shit
17:25Will destroy freedom, democracy, and humankind
17:27Nobody's perfect
17:29You have a plan?
17:30Oh, I have a plan
17:32Okay, the debate's tomorrow night
17:34It's a basic human right
17:40Every San Franciscan should have
17:42Should have safe, affordable housing
17:45This affordable housing
17:50How do you propose to pay for it?
17:52I will pay for it with a tax
17:54On rich jerks like you, Chang
17:56Say something, dipshit
18:00It's working, Phineas
18:03I don't know who that is
18:05I'll ask you again, sir
18:07How will you pay for housing for all?
18:09Either you or your cat may answer
18:12Pay for it, pay for it
18:15I'll pay for it with my phone
18:17Oh, your phone
18:20How would that work?
18:22Well, I put my phone up to the thingy
18:26At the register
18:27And it pays for everything
18:29Dummy
18:29It seems that left to his own devices
18:34My opponent would rely on
18:36His own devices
18:38I am Dennis Chang
18:39It's not my fault
18:40My earpiece didn't work
18:42It's 8pm and voting has concluded
18:47In the race for mayor
18:49Exit polls have Freddy down by 10 points
18:51When the results come in
18:53No one will be more upset than I
18:55Phineas T. Freakers
18:57Your most loyal advisor
18:58I call all the yellow cube cheese
19:00Should have stuck with tubby time
19:02I'll be the next Andy Richter
19:04That chubby turd makes
19:05Bang
19:06Whoa
19:07Oh my god
19:08It is glum in here
19:09You know, if Gretch and I were still speaking
19:11I would offer her these sisterly words
19:14I win, you lose
19:16Bang, bang
19:17Dennis Chang
19:18Eh?
19:19Eh?
19:20Like I told you in the car
19:21It's not very good
19:23If I was speaking to my sister
19:25I'd take the high road and congratulate her
19:27On her soon-to-be-announced victory
19:29Harper, you deserve credit
19:31Y'all had some good luck
19:33But like I said, you deserve all the credit
19:35Yeah, you said it twice
19:37The deserve credit thing to her
19:38Yep, yep
19:39Well, that's very gracious of you both
19:41I appreciate it
19:43You appreciate it?
19:45It wasn't her
19:46It was me
19:47It was my idea to sabotage Freddy's earpiece
19:50Wait, we should get to Dennis' victory speech
19:52You're not going anywhere, cheater
19:53I'm the cheater?
19:55You guys were feeding him the answers
19:57Phineas, what the hell?
19:59You rat-fucked Freddy and me
20:01We're your brothers
20:02Well, you weren't treating me like a brother
20:04You were treating me like a crazy person
20:06You are a crazy person
20:07Damn right, Freddy
20:08And he didn't need me to say it in his ear
20:10I'm not crazy, I'm passionate
20:13I was just a kid from the streets of Berkeley
20:15People spat in my face and said
20:18I'd never amount to a hill of beans
20:20Well, Mom, Dad
20:21Mom's friend Jerry, who visits when Dad's away
20:24Look at me now
20:25I'm making things better for the good guys
20:27You abandoned the good guys for a capitalist psychopath
20:31Because you abandoned me
20:32Again
20:33Just like 1968
20:35When Bernie Sanders stole my political philosophy
20:38And the love of my life
20:39Bernie Sanders was the love of your life?
20:42Oh, look
20:42They're announcing the official results
20:44A winner in the race for mayor
20:46With 50.1% of the vote
20:48That Freddy Frikowski will now be called his honor
20:52You're shitting me
20:53Well, people lie in Exit Bowles
20:55I know I did
20:56Freddy, you won
20:57They tried to hang you, but the rope broke
21:00Won what?
21:01The election, you furry freak
21:02The good guy won
21:04The bad guy lost
21:05We did it, brothers
21:18And sister
21:19I mean, not sister
21:20Because I'm trying to
21:21Yeah, yeah
21:23Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes
21:25You lose
21:26You fucking lose
21:28I kicked your fucking ass, loser
21:31I accept your apology
21:33Well, I don't apologize
21:34I don't either
21:35Kitty, I won
21:37I gotta give my expectant speech
21:39I want to say
21:49To my bonus Dennis
21:51Chang
21:51Chang
21:53Well, not Chang Chang
21:54Solly
21:55I swear I wrote some bubbles
21:56Hey, he's wearing yellow face
21:59What?
21:59What?
22:00No
22:00The bubble baths wear my skin yellow
22:02And mocking Dennis Chang's accent
22:04Even though he doesn't have one
22:05Freddy's a racist
22:06I, Channel 7, Stephanie Olsen
22:09Am so done with him
22:10He should be
22:11Cancel
22:15So with a face like scrambled eggs
22:18And a voice like Jackie Chan
22:19Mayor Freddy got impeached
22:21Before he got sworn in
22:23City council gave the gig
22:24To the third party candidate
22:26That robot sounding motherfucker
22:28Bob Pimco
22:29That's it for this week's Kitty Time, y'all
22:36Don't forget to hit like and subscribe
22:38This shit don't pay for itself
22:40I am the mayor
22:42Bitches
22:43B-I-M to the K-O
22:45Rob got that mad robot flow
22:47He need his man to use his little crumpled dick
22:49So baby, you want some?
22:50Bring a possible stick
22:51Baby got back
22:52Dizko got chair
22:53He's running shit
22:54Mess with him if you care
22:55Bitches love Dizko
22:56He ain't no wussy
22:57Cause he built an access rim
22:59Straight up and they pussy
22:59I'm the mayor
23:01Bitches
23:01I'm the mayor
23:03Bitches
23:03Snitches get snitches
23:05I'm the mayor
23:07Bitches
23:08I'm the mayor
23:09Bitches
23:10I'm the mayor
23:11Bitches
23:12Snitches get snitches
23:14I'm the mayor
23:15Bitches
23:16I'm the mayor
23:17Bitches
23:18I'm the mayor
23:19Bitches
23:20It's a good show!
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