- 06/07/2025
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00I can't believe old Melvin Ma's record store is still in business.
00:18Uh, Melvin, get your Oregon lass out of here and say hello to your old friends.
00:24Fritz in the house.
00:25Chuck and Charlie, you work here now?
00:28What happened with the weed store?
00:30Uh, yeah, my Uncle Melvin fell into a coma from all the drugs he did.
00:34So, who better to manage a record store than two guys who just got fired from a weed store?
00:39Coma? Is he in the hospital?
00:41No, he's right over there.
00:44Cuck, come on, Uncle Melvin.
00:47I just reorganized the stock room yesterday.
00:50He's always right in our asses.
00:52Screw you, old man!
00:54He's lucky to have you, boys.
00:56We got some grade A vinyl for sale.
00:59Holy shit! The White Album? If this one's clean, it's worth a fortune.
01:04Ooh, sorry, that one's not for sale. I got it when my parents kicked me out of the house for turning 32.
01:10Whoa! The freewheeling Bob Dylan? This is worth some scrilla.
01:15Whoa, whoa, whoa, can't sell that. That's, uh, my love-making track. That's the disc was playing when I had my first threesome.
01:21That's funny. My mom told me that it was playing when she had her first threesome.
01:26Wait.
01:27I'm not selling my album either.
01:28Freddie, that's a photo album.
01:30And I still like listening to it.
01:32Oh my gosh, man. Like, you dudes have some great discs here.
01:35Do you want to get high and listen to some tunes?
01:39We could possibly be convinced, huh?
01:46Three brothers puffin' and we just woke up in year 21.
01:53Roll another J and forget the day. Roll another J and get high. Roll another J and forget the day. Me and my brother's gettin' fried.
02:02Three brothers.
02:06Three brothers.
02:13So, are you guys excited about my big event tonight?
02:16What event?
02:17Seriously, Mom? She told you about it a million times.
02:20Could you tell me a million and one? The gala for my charity, Felines for Felons.
02:25It's so awesome. They pair therapy cats with felons in prison.
02:29And we're throwing a gala tonight for the felons who've been released.
02:32Okay, we'll come. Just wish you had given us a little heads up.
02:36She's been talking about it nonstop for weeks.
02:39What did you think all of these were for?
02:41I thought after years of being single, you decided to become a crazy cat lady.
02:45Hey, baby.
02:47So you're Siamese. You got yourself a twin.
02:51I'm gonna get spit-roasted tonight.
03:03Oh, this stuff's amazing. Where'd you get it?
03:07You're not gonna believe it. We got it from Schoolboy Q.
03:10Oh, my gosh. He was so cool.
03:12Like, he's in town shooting a remake of Dirty Harry.
03:15And we, like, smoked him up and he signed this for us.
03:18Oh, God.
03:24Wow! This is great!
03:26What is this?
03:27You guys have never heard rap before?
03:30Dude, come on. Don't be insensitive.
03:33They were asleep for 50 years.
03:35Ooh, this sumbitch got a beat.
03:37Pop-put-a-pop-pop.
03:39I like that he says curse words.
03:44This weed pairs wonderfully with this music.
03:47We gotta get some more.
03:48Where can we find this Schoolboy Q?
03:51Ah, he said he was shooting down at the wharf.
03:53Gentlemen, to the wharf.
03:55See you on the flip side, Melvin.
03:57Peace out, dudes.
03:59Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
04:01Pass for the crowd.
04:02First floor, get a rib to me now.
04:04River dog, need a cat to me now.
04:05Whoa. Damn.
04:06I've got some skill.
04:07Honestly, decent plug.
04:08One foot blazing about to jump it around.
04:10Get that bump and it go.
04:14You gotta ask yourself one question.
04:17Am I a lucky motherfucker?
04:20Well, are you a lucky motherfucker?
04:22Motherfucker?
04:23Just like the lyrics to his song.
04:25Cuts.
04:26Who the fuck are they?
04:27Who's in charge of the fucking extras?
04:29Who are these fucking assholes wandering through my fucking shot?
04:33Fucking fire them.
04:34Nah, man.
04:35I like the way they look.
04:36Using real homeless ads authenticity.
04:39Hey, Mr. Q.
04:40Nice to meet you.
04:41Just smoked some of your shit with old Melvin Ma.
04:44That catatonic motherfucker.
04:46That dude crazy.
04:47Smoked me into the table.
04:48So, Chuck and Charlie played us some of your rippity rap music,
04:52which we really, truly enjoy.
04:54But not as much as your mind-blowing weed.
04:58We want some more.
04:59Oh, you want some of the good shit.
05:00I can appreciate a man who appreciates good weed.
05:03Hey, we on fire, Solomon.
05:04Two times.
05:05Where my whip?
05:07Hey, yo, check this shit out.
05:08That's custom-made Bentley golf cart.
05:10Solid gold, punk.
05:11Well, can't be completely solid gold.
05:13Gotta have some moving parts, liquid coolants, and...
05:17And, and, and...
05:19But you know, what do I know?
05:20Last I heard, women had pubic hair.
05:23What's your name?
05:26Right this way, yo.
05:27If any of you gentlemen is overheated,
05:30I could offer you a parasol.
05:32I don't need a pair.
05:33I'll just take one.
05:34Cause them grays ain't get me paid.
05:39My agenda for today is to make bread all get laid.
05:43Let me tell you something about your music, man.
05:45Rap is today's voice of the counterculture.
05:48You're the black Gordon Lightfoot.
05:50Record of Edmond Fitzgerald?
05:51Shit, one of my major influences.
05:53Yeah, I heard that.
05:55Hey, uh, is there any way I can get some more of this fancy wine?
05:59Hell yeah.
06:00It's a 1978 Chateau Lafitte Rothschild, baby.
06:11What the hell are you doing?
06:13It's Chateau Lafitte.
06:14That's French.
06:15It means for the feet.
06:17Ah!
06:18You motherfucker's crazy.
06:23Alright, homie.
06:24See you when I see you.
06:25And you won't see us when we don't see you.
06:28Got the car, guys.
06:30Uh-oh.
06:31Wrong way.
06:32Ah!
06:33Ah!
06:34Ah!
06:35That's the funniest shit I've seen since Queen Latifah split her pants
06:50suit over at the Source Award.
06:51Oh, look at that dumbass, covered in seaweed.
06:58For real, though.
06:59That golf cart, man.
07:00It cost $90,000.
07:01You gotta pay for that shit.
07:02Of course, sir.
07:03Yeah, let me see what I got here in my bill for.
07:07Huh?
07:08Well, uh, will you accept a coffee bean and tea leaf cart?
07:12For sure.
07:13Two-ton love is ice blended.
07:15Wonderful!
07:16We're all so happy.
07:18Shit.
07:19I'll be happy tomorrow when I swing by your crib and get my cheese.
07:22Maybe you ain't heard.
07:23I don't sleep in a crib no more.
07:25You motherfuckers are stupid, man.
07:26I fuck with y'all, dude.
07:27Y'all motherfuckers are stupid.
07:28What a great guy.
07:29What a pussycat.
07:30Hey, two-ton.
07:31Send me a calendar invite for tomorrow.
07:34And smoke them bitches if they ain't got my bread.
07:36I know you have Siamese heritage, but you can play in the NBA with what you packing down there.
07:49You nasty.
07:52I like that.
07:53Ah, laying down some game, eh, old chum?
07:56Get out of here, Chomsky.
07:57I'm making time with my man here.
07:59Kismet.
08:00I myself just came from the dog park where I was snout deep in the anal glands of an apricot
08:05poodle.
08:06Damn, Chomsky, you a ass man.
08:08Oh, yes.
08:09Like my father and his father before him.
08:12Oh, my God.
08:13Oh, my God.
08:14Okay, okay, okay.
08:15I'll be right there.
08:16Total emergency.
08:17The caterer just arrived in.
08:19The napkins aren't locally sourced.
08:21I gotta go.
08:22Camille, could you bring the cats by tonight?
08:24Oh, sure.
08:26I'll just wait two years, take driver's ed, buy a car, and drive them right down.
08:30A no would have sufficed.
08:32Yeah, I could do it.
08:33Well, hell, I used to wrangle cattle back in Abilene, and you can't spell cattle without
08:38cat, so no problem easy peasy Japanesey.
08:42Sorry, no offense.
08:43It's pretty offensive, and I'm Chinese.
08:46Same neck of the woods.
08:48Oh, Franklin, you're a lifesaver.
08:50Here's a spreadsheet with their diet and bathroom schedule.
08:53Bring them no later than seven.
08:54Thanks, bye.
08:55Don't you worry your pretty little head, Gretch.
08:57They're in good hands.
08:58The Russian Blue gets one can of organic wet food once a day, but for its second meal,
09:10it must have sashimi.
09:12Shashimi great albacoree.
09:14Screw this.
09:15As long as none of them starve to death or end up choking on their own tails, I'll be
09:21spending the night in Gretchen's boudoir.
09:24That's French for vagina.
09:26Ooh, catchy.
09:35Schoolboy Q, what are you doing here, baby?
09:38Did you bring us some more weed?
09:40I told you I was coming for my money.
09:41Well, now, we thought you were joking.
09:44Does it look like I'm joking?
09:47Until you pay me, I'm gonna take some collateral.
09:50Hey, take whatever you want.
09:52It's not our shit.
09:53Except the cats.
09:54Franklin cares a lot about the cats because they'll get them laid.
09:57Take the cats, Q.
09:58They care about the cats.
10:01No shit, fat boy.
10:02Grab the cats and take them to the fucking yard, man.
10:08Whoa, whoa, whoa, man.
10:09You can't take my Siamese.
10:10I'm trying to smash.
10:11When I get my money, you get your cats back.
10:14We out two times.
10:16Don't worry, baby.
10:18I'm gonna spring you.
10:19Save that big daddy dick for me.
10:22I can't believe he taught the cats.
10:24Even after I told them how important they were to you.
10:29I don't wanna sell our babies any more than you do, but we did destroy the man's gold-plated golf cart.
10:36We did it.
10:37Freddy did.
10:38He always does this shit.
10:40He's a ruiner.
10:41Well, let's just get down there to Chuck and Charlie and get our money.
10:45Huh.
10:46Why the hell is this so light?
10:48They're empty.
10:49It's just the sleeves.
10:54Freddy!
10:55What the hell are you doing?
10:56Cleaning the discs.
10:57Chuck and Charlie said they're worth more clean.
10:59So I put them in the disc washer.
11:02Freddy, you colossal fucking idiot!
11:05Our records!
11:06Now, what are we supposed to do?
11:08We got no money, no records, and he took the darn cats!
11:12Gretchen's counting on me.
11:14I care about her.
11:15I'm a broke-ass cowboy living in a basement with you two clodhoppers, and this gal is the only bright spot in my sad, dark universe! Help me the fuck out!
11:25Jesus!
11:26All right!
11:27Stop pinching my trapeziuses!
11:29What do you wanna do?
11:30A Vietnam-style raid on schoolboy Q's yacht.
11:34Liberate the cats.
11:35Nom-raid?
11:36Okay.
11:37I'm in.
11:38Me too!
11:39Me too!
11:40No way, Freddy.
11:41You're the reason we're in this mess.
11:43Everything you touch turns to shit.
11:45You stay here.
11:46Don't touch nothing.
11:47Don't say nothing.
11:48Don't do nothing!
11:50Well, that came out of nowhere.
11:53Because of your contributions, tonight, we reunite these former violent offenders, or as I like to call them, victims, with their beloved therapy cats.
12:08Don't eyeball me, bitch!
12:10Unless you're ready to go!
12:15Oh, impressive.
12:17Oh, fuck.
12:18Have you tried the sourdough baguettes?
12:20Careful, they're hot.
12:22To reintegrate into society.
12:24And we ask all of you to welcome them into your homes and places of employment.
12:30You got a job for me?
12:33Oh, God.
12:34We just, um, instituted a hiring freeze, unfortunately, because otherwise, oh my God, you would have been perfect for, um, uh, Noah, help me out here.
12:45Sure.
12:46You can stay with us on the couch.
12:48I'm panicked.
12:49We'll move.
12:51It feels like we're going around in circles.
12:56Come on, man.
12:57We'll never get there in time.
12:59I'm doing all the work.
13:00Paddle.
13:01Faster.
13:02Paddles?
13:03I thought it was a foot rest.
13:04Though, in my defense, I am stoned out of my mind.
13:08I think I'm allergic to cats, Q. I'm having a severe reaction to their danger.
13:21Take a damn clarity and roll me up another one, man.
13:24What the fuck?
13:25Fogs rolling in.
13:26Can't see a thing.
13:27Me either, Franklin.
13:28But be quiet.
13:29We still have the element of surprise.
13:30Hello, freaks.
13:33You came to steal the cash bag?
13:34What?
13:35Cats?
13:36No.
13:37We came here to pay you.
13:38Oh, good.
13:39So where's my money?
13:40Uh, uh, Franklin?
13:41Huh.
13:42Ain't got it.
13:43You forgot the money?
13:44Oh, my God.
13:45That's funny.
13:46Come all the way out here in a wetsuit and a swan boat, and he forgets the money.
13:48Oh, look!
13:49A fat giant booty!
13:50Come on.
13:51Aren't you a little curious?
13:52No.
13:53And now I'm pissed off.
13:54Please, Mr. Q. Have mercy.
13:55That'd never be said that I'm an unmerciful motherfucker.
13:57Look at them.
13:58I always get a last smoke.
13:59Roll up.
14:00Come on, man.
14:01We can't just do nothing.
14:02We have to take action.
14:03A Siamese of that caliber doesn't wait around for nobody.
14:05No, kiddie.
14:06They told me to stay.
14:07And he forgets them.
14:08And he forgets them.
14:09Oh, look!
14:10A fat giant booty!
14:11Come on.
14:12Aren't you a little curious?
14:13No.
14:14And now I'm pissed off.
14:15Please, Mr. Q. Have mercy.
14:17Let it never be said that I'm an unmerciful motherfucker.
14:19Look at them.
14:20I always get a last smoke.
14:21Roll up.
14:22Come on, man.
14:23We can't just do nothing.
14:24We have to take action.
14:25A Siamese of that caliber doesn't wait around for nobody.
14:28No, kiddie.
14:29They told me to stay here.
14:30And that's what I'm going to do.
14:32Because I'm no good at anything.
14:33You're good at a lot of things.
14:35Like what?
14:36Name something.
14:37What is this?
14:38An award ceremony?
14:39We got shit to do.
14:40I don't want to make them madder at me.
14:42Freddy, they won't be mad at you if you save the day.
14:45You'll be a hero.
14:47And they'll respect your fat ass.
14:49You really think so?
14:50I know so.
14:51Let's do it.
14:52Let's go get that respect.
14:54Ooh.
14:55Oh, yeah.
14:56While you were moping, I shit in your shoes.
15:07Damn.
15:08This roll is a work of art.
15:09Shit like a Michelangelo or something, bro.
15:11I think it's more like a bright cozy.
15:13Smooth and minimalist.
15:15We were always known for rolling the world's tightest joints.
15:19Not a bad legacy to leave behind.
15:21Well, go ahead.
15:22Send us to our dune.
15:24Not so fast.
15:25I got another idea two times.
15:27Bring them to the rolling room.
15:29Boo, y'all know I'm a mogul and I do mogul shit.
15:32So I'm expanding into the cannabis industry.
15:34But my CRO, AKA Chief Rolling Officer, keeps falling asleep on his fucking feet.
15:44And the histamines make me drowsy.
15:47So here's the deal.
15:48If you can roll all this weed as pretty as the last one before it done, we'll call it
15:54easy.
15:55But Q, ten men couldn't roll that many joints, my son of them.
15:58Ooh, that sound like a they problem.
16:00Hey, that's a good name for a hippity rapper.
16:03Listen, we could write it for you and provide background vocals.
16:06Yeah, okay.
16:07Follow my lead, man.
16:08Boom, cha-cha.
16:09Boom, cha-cha.
16:10Problems.
16:11Yeah.
16:12That sounds like a thing.
16:13Problems.
16:14We have tightest joints.
16:15And the biggest dick.
16:17Hey, man.
16:18Shut the fuck up.
16:19Start rolling.
16:20So, how did you get the name Billy the Rapist?
16:31Yeah, I get it.
16:32I had nicknames.
16:33They used to sing a rap about me in junior high.
16:36How did that go?
16:37Noah, Noah, Boboa, Banana Fana, Homoa, Noah.
16:42He was also known as Karate Noah because of his abilities to defend himself and loved ones.
16:48How are we all doing?
16:49Where the fuck are our fucking cats, bitch?
16:53Thank you for asking.
16:55They're on their way soon.
16:56Enjoy the salad, Billy the Rape.
16:58William?
17:01Franklin?
17:02Where the hell are you?
17:03I need those cats.
17:05These felons are getting rapey.
17:06No, everything's fine.
17:07Very fine.
17:08We'll be there soon.
17:10Good.
17:11What's that licking sound?
17:13Not me.
17:14I'm grooming the cats.
17:17With your tongue?
17:18Yes.
17:19Okay, I'll let you go now.
17:21Bye.
17:22Wait!
17:23So the brothers McFreak, Franklin and Phineas, rolled doobies as fast as they could, like a pair of Rumpelstiltskens.
17:30For their very lives depended on it.
17:32Would they be able to finish their task before the Dewey Dawn rose from the-
17:37Done!
17:38Sorry, what's that now?
17:39I said, we're done!
17:41Sweet Mary and Joseph, that's a wee bit faster than I anticipated.
17:47Would you like to sit by the fire, share a dram, and hear the rest of my-
17:51Just tell them we're fucking done, you dumb Irish midget!
17:54The fuck you just called me?
17:55Peter Dinklage?
17:56What are you doing here?
17:57HBO fucked me out of the Thrones spin-off.
18:00They said a puppet is cheaper and won't bang all the extras.
18:03Ayo!
18:04They done!
18:05Oh, it's a lot further than I thought.
18:12Gotta book it.
18:13No!
18:14Don't book it!
18:15We gotta be super quiet.
18:16Like a-
18:17Rammish me!
18:22Bro, I don't know how the fuck you did it, but you did.
18:24Free to go.
18:25Peace and love.
18:26Bring it in.
18:27Awww.
18:28Awww!
18:35Baby, I'm here!
18:36Where are you?
18:37Anyone seen a sweet Siamese with a big ol' dick?
18:41There you are!
18:42It's okay, baby.
18:44I'm here.
18:45Somebody give me the fucking key!
18:47Freddy, what the fuck?
18:49Look, I know I'm a hero.
18:51You know I'm a hero.
18:52Nobody has to say the word hero out loud or thank me.
18:55You idiot!
18:57We had everything taken care of!
18:59We told you to stay home!
19:01You.
19:02Are.
19:03A.
19:04Ruiner!
19:05The lucky motherfucker taking on water!
19:09You freak's dead.
19:12Oh, shit!
19:14AHHHHH!
19:15AHHHHH!
19:16AHHHHH!
19:17AHHHHH!
19:18AHHHHH!
19:19AHHHHH!
19:20Get off the-
19:21Get off the-
19:22AHHHHH!
19:23AHHHHH!
19:24AHHHHH!
19:25AHHHHH!
19:26AHHHHH!
19:27AHHHHH!
19:28AHHHHH!
19:29You see anything?
19:30No, I can't see them.
19:31Me neither.
19:32Wait, what do you mean, them?
19:34The cats.
19:35Who are you talking about?
19:36Freddy!
19:37Oh, Freddy, right.
19:39Yeah, no, I was including him in them.
19:42Man, I hope he's okay.
19:45There's a chance, right?
19:47Sure.
19:48I mean, he was wearing his floaties.
19:51Yeah!
19:52Yeah!
19:53And the North Pacific current turns south.
19:55He'll probably wash up in Tijuana and have the time of his life.
19:58Ah, well, perfecto.
19:59So, uh, about those cats.
20:01Oh, they're dead.
20:02They didn't have floaties.
20:03And, well, you know, they're cats.
20:05Uh, time to face some music.
20:08Gotta go tell Gretchen I let her down.
20:10We want cats!
20:12We want cats!
20:14Good!
20:15This is good!
20:16We want cats!
20:17You're expressing your wants, not keeping them bottled up!
20:20Look at the shit that you're doing!
20:22They want cats?
20:23I'll give them cats.
20:25I want cats so bad, I'll kill the cats.
20:27Ahem!
20:29Meh!
20:31Ah!
20:32Oh, God!
20:33Ah!
20:34Not a musical theater crowd?
20:36Not a musical theater crowd.
20:38Holy shit!
20:39Look at this disaster!
20:41Good luck getting laid down, pal!
20:43Franklin!
20:44Yes!
20:45You're here!
20:46Where are the cats?
20:47Cats?
20:48Well, okay.
20:49I was taking great care of them.
20:50But then things got a little, uh, prickly.
20:51You know how cats are.
20:52But then I went to great lengths and un-prickled them.
20:56But then things kind of went teats up.
20:59You know how cats are.
21:00Franklin!
21:01Where are the fucking cats?
21:02Well, uh...
21:03See, that's what I gotta tell you.
21:04The cats are...
21:05Are here?
21:07Ho!
21:08Ho!
21:09Ho!
21:10Ho!
21:11On Nibbles!
21:12On Peaches!
21:13On Pickles!
21:14On Frisky!
21:15Little Rapey!
21:16I missed you!
21:17He did it!
21:18The son of a bitch did it!
21:19Those are some strong cats!
21:20Gentlemen!
21:21To a crazy night!
21:22And to those we lost along the way!
21:24Specifically, Schoolboy Q!
21:25And who could forget Two-Ton!
21:26He played delightfully against type and perished two to three weeks before he would have dropped
21:32dead from respiratory failure.
21:33Here, here!
21:34There, there!
21:35Freddy, I don't know how you pulled it off, but...
21:36You did?
21:37Then look, I might have said something.
21:38I'm sorry.
21:39I'm sorry.
21:40You're sorry.
21:41I'm sorry.
21:42I'm sorry.
21:43I'm sorry.
21:44I'm sorry.
21:45I'm sorry.
21:46I'm sorry.
21:47I'm sorry.
21:48I'm sorry.
21:49I'm sorry.
21:50I'm sorry.
21:51I'm sorry.
21:52I'm sorry.
21:53You did?
21:54Then look, I might have said some things earlier today in the heat of the moment about your
21:58worthlessness and non-stop fuck uppery.
22:01But I guess what I want to say is I'm...
22:04I'm sorry.
22:05For what?
22:06About that stuff I just said.
22:08About what?
22:09Never mind, buddy.
22:10We're just glad to have you back.
22:14Hey, cowboy.
22:15Give a gal a lift home?
22:19Ma'am?
22:23Go easy on the doers.
22:26I didn't save your ass so you could go all whiskey dick on me.
22:29I'll tie some rubber bands around that thing.
22:31Don't play with me.
22:37I'm gonna kill those motherfucking freaks.
22:40This dude's in my hands.
22:41Had pockets full of ox.
22:42Old life I've been to G.
22:45Had bitches on the block.
22:47Had strippers on the floor.
22:49Had cocaine in the pot.
22:51Got fiends at the door.
22:53So I turned into a rock.
22:55Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
23:25We'll be back.
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23:11
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