00:00You see these, Freddy? They're paws. They ain't thumbs.
00:17When it comes to cans of cat food, paws don't do shit.
00:21You ain't getting it. Still ain't getting it.
00:25You need to feed me.
00:30Easy open lid my ass. I'm going to get my own damn food.
00:55Three brothers puffin' and we just woke up in year 2020.
01:01Roll another J and forget the day. Roll another J and get high. Roll another J and forget the day. Me and my brothers getting fly.
01:11You guys have to check out this knockout. It's insane.
01:22Who is it? Conor McGregor?
01:24Conor Mcwho? I'm talking Muhammad Ali decking Sonny Liston. The second time, not the Phantom Punch.
01:30You're a boxing fan? Are you kidding? It's the sweet science. Angles, geometry, brain damage. So who are the top fighters of today? Is there a new Sugar Ray Robinson mowing down palookas?
01:44Boxing is kind of done. It's all about UFC now. The F-U-C what now?
01:50Ultimate fighting. It's mixed martial arts and it is lit. No holds barred. No rules.
01:57No rules?
01:58Ugh. How can you watch that stuff? It's barbaric.
02:02Actually, that looks pretty far out.
02:06I know, right? Can we go to a fight, Dad? Please?
02:10Pretty please?
02:11Oh, come on, Noah. Sounds like a great way for you and Camille to bond. Instead of with your phones for a change.
02:18Okay, sure. I'll buy tickets right now.
02:21Thanks, Dad!
02:22Thanks, Dad! Mwah!
02:25Beautiful day. What say you and I head down to the basement for a little R&R, reefer and broaddogging?
02:34I have work to do.
02:36You know, I do appreciate all you do for bums. But you know, just this morning, I gave a can of beer to a bum.
02:44A bum?
02:45Oh, no. Sorry. Homeless.
02:47Home is where one is living. Houseless is the preferred term.
02:52Houseless. Got it.
02:55Hey, you know, I saw on one of your internets that there is a lot more emphasis these days on female sexual satisfaction.
03:05I guess I was a man ahead of my time.
03:08You're stupid.
03:14The amount of corporate sponsorship here is unnerving, but I like the bums.
03:18How does anybody want to rustle up some grub?
03:20Off you, sucker. There's plenty of good food under the seat.
03:24So, there's no rules. We could just sit outside a bar and watch frat boys brawl for free.
03:29That was amazing.
03:30This is badass. Them little peckers is tough. Took the thumb to the bunker. Didn't even squawk.
03:47And fighting in our next match, the main event, the middleweight champ, DJ Always Barkin' Larkin'!
03:58Oh, my God. He's here?
04:07So, we like DJ Always Barkin' Larkin'!
04:10He's a god. He's like this mellow surfer dude, but then he gets in the ring and he totally kicks ass!
04:16Language, Camille. Bite his face off like a chimpanzee!
04:20Pensy!
04:25I can hear the ocean.
04:33Wait. There's nacho cheese on the seat.
04:39PJ had this super rough childhood.
04:41He never even knew his dad, but he dated Ariana Grande and he shut down his Instagram site
04:45after getting in a fight with every woman from the view.
04:47Oh, baby!
04:48You're here!
04:49Take it on the wall!
04:50PJ Larkin'!
04:54Strategically speaking, he should probably cut his hair, but he refuses.
05:00That's a good man. Lettin' his freak flag fly.
05:06Hey, Phineas! He kinda looks like you.
05:09Ha! Sure does. Got kids?
05:11See? I just did a little riff on the Got Milk ads. Like maybe he's your son.
05:16Did you ever have unprotected intercourse in the past?
05:18Got kids?
05:21Got kids?
05:22Hmm.
05:31I don't know, man. I'd probably have to see his mother to know for sure.
05:38I was joking. This kid is in his early twenties. The timing is all wrong.
05:42Unless you donated some sperm that was frozen.
05:45Hmm.
06:00I did donate my sperm. Oh, my God. My son is PJ Barkin' Larkin'!
06:06You rat bastard!
06:19Excuse me. Excuse me. Do I know you? Do you know me? And the preferred term is rodent, madam.
06:27I gotta get back to 1969. Back then, a rat would never walk up to a full-grown kitty cat talking preferred terms.
06:35You bring that shit again and I'll gobble your ass!
06:39Ooh. That's good.
06:56Who's ready for some poached salmon?
06:59Me! Me! This girl right here. Hello?
07:02Meow! Meow!
07:05Well, look what the cat dragged in. Herself!
07:09Which is appropriate because animals deserve their own dignity.
07:11Are you hungry?
07:20If he is your boy, you should be proud. He is one hell of a shit kicker.
07:24Peter! Peter! Peter! Peter! I love you!
07:26I love you! I love you!
07:27I love you!
07:28Sign my face!
07:29Sign my hot dog!
07:32PJ! Over here! I'm your father! I spunked you in a jar!
07:36Selfie!
07:41Daddy!
07:42Ribs! Rib came! You're cracking my ribs, son!
07:46I can't believe PJ Larkin is coming to my house!
07:50Now, remember, my son is just a regular person like anyone else.
07:56Only he's a really great fighter who could kick anyone else's son's ass anytime.
08:00You know, if you really want to be sure he's your son, there's DNA tests. You can do it through the mail.
08:05Nah. When you're a father, you know. If anybody needs to take a DNA test, it's you.
08:11Looks like Mrs. Switzer ordered Chinese takeout from the dong shack, if you know what I mean.
08:18So, uh, you excited about this big-time fighter coming to visit?
08:22I'm not much of a sports fan. Or a fan of jocks, for that matter.
08:26Oh, don't worry. She only goes for intellectuals. Unemployed ones.
08:31I'm unemployed! And I got no prospects!
08:35Kitty's missing! We all have to split up and look for her!
08:40Sorry, Freddy. My son, the famous Ultimate Fighter, is coming over.
08:45Guess I'll go look, alone.
08:48He's here!
08:49Come in, son. Come in. You remember, Camille. She's your biggest fan.
08:54What's up, little Wahiney? Here's the mouthguard I swallowed, then barfed up at UFC 198. I signed it for you.
09:01Oh, my God! Thank you! Is that blood? It is blood.
09:07And puke.
09:08Over here, son, is my brother Franklin. He's not my real brother, so he's not your real uncle, meaning he's made no genetic contribution to your success.
09:16A real pleasure. Loved you biting off that fella's ear.
09:20I'm Noah. I'm Team PJ for life.
09:22Oh, God. Noah, go wash your face. You look like you've been notarized.
09:26And this is Gretchen. She's our lady lawyer.
09:29Aloha, pretty lady.
09:31Nothing?
09:33Just got bothering you.
09:35I got something for you, too.
09:37That's a big cup.
09:39My boy has a giant schvance.
09:41Where should I keep this?
09:43How about next to your bed?
09:45My bed? Maybe you should take a look.
09:48Really?
09:51That's my boy!
09:53Damn pretty boy meat monkey.
09:55Fuck this world.
10:05I've been wasting away living with those freaks. And paradise was just around the corner.
10:11Hello. Who's this gorgeous lady?
10:15Name's Kitty. Don't touch my throne. You'll get your grease on it.
10:18I may not have a lot of money on my own tent, but I have so much love to give.
10:24We could be best friends.
10:29You want a best friend?
10:31Take your broke ass down to the dog shelter.
10:34What is this?
10:36Looks like pudding.
10:38But tastes like salmon.
10:40I could eat this all day.
10:43Kitty!
10:45Thank goodness!
10:46I've been searching alleys and dumpsters all over the city.
10:50Come on. Let's get you home.
10:52Enlighten me, fat man.
10:54What is it you got to offer?
10:56Because here, they got fish pudding.
10:58Probably got all kinds of pudding.
11:00Chicken pudding.
11:01Steak pudding.
11:02Potato pudding.
11:03What kind of pudding y'all got?
11:08Oh my god. This is delicious.
11:16Ground and pound. Ground and pound.
11:21Ground and pound.
11:22Yes! Yes!
11:24I mean, I'm no expert, but ain't it a bad thing for athletes to have sex before match?
11:29I mean, come on. Do something.
11:31I can't live his life for him, Franklin.
11:33A father gives his son a toolbox and spends a lifetime filling it with tools.
11:37Can't he find some other box to put his tool in?
11:40That particular piece of advice came from fatherhood by Dr. Bill Cosby.
11:45He had some great dating advice, too.
11:47I wonder what he's up to these days.
11:49Probably crushing it.
11:50You ready to tap out?
11:51Fuck that, brah.
11:52Fuck that, brah.
11:53Ah, that was the best ever.
11:56Ow.
11:57Boom.
11:59Woo!
12:00That's it, PJ!
12:01Best seats ever!
12:03My son, PJ Larkin, got them for us.
12:07We're gonna get splattered by something for sure.
12:11I guess sex isn't bad before a match after all.
12:14Maybe if he bumped it up a little more, he can be world champion.
12:18I'm willing to try.
12:19Dumb apes in a cage.
12:21Stupid sport.
12:23Oh!
12:24Lucky!
12:27PJ is the ultimate fighter!
12:28You're not even the penultimate fighter!
12:32Hey, Larkin!
12:33You suck!
12:36You got something to say to my kid!
12:39You say it to me!
12:46Brad, you didn't even close the pen on this new cat.
12:50The fat one?
12:55Is kitty hungry?
13:01You can call it ultimate if you want.
13:03But it all goes back to the fundamentals, boy.
13:05Footwork, footwork, footwork!
13:07Okay, son.
13:08You just poked the bear.
13:09I mean, hey.
13:10I don't get it.
13:11What the hell do you see in this room?
13:12I guess it's just easy.
13:13No head games.
13:14Just sex.
13:15But the man has no social conscience, huh?
13:16I mean, he's making all that money.
13:17But what's he ever done for the hobo, homo, uh, the houseless?
13:20Hey, Peach.
13:21When's the last time you gave to charity?
13:22Have you ever done anything to help the houseless?
13:23No.
13:24Ha!
13:25But maybe I could donate a few million dollars to the shelter.
13:26And take it to my next fight.
13:27What a great idea.
13:28Everyone is always trying to give them food.
13:29But what they really need is a little diversion.
13:30Cool.
13:31Let's fuck.
13:32Oh!
13:33Now don't overheat while you're fucking her.
13:34It's summertime.
13:35Why do we kick like a horse?
13:36No.
13:37I'm not houseless.
13:38I'm not houseless.
13:39Hey, Peach.
13:40When's the last time you gave to charity?
13:41Have you ever done anything to help the houseless?
13:42No.
13:43Ha!
13:44But maybe I could donate a few million dollars to the shelter.
13:45And take it to my next fight.
13:46What a great idea.
13:47Everyone is always trying to give them food.
13:49But what they really need is a little diversion.
13:51Cool.
13:52Let's fuck.
13:53Oh!
13:54Now don't overheat while you're fucking her.
13:57It's summertime.
13:59Why do we kick like this after we poop?
14:03Freddie, you're a cat now.
14:05You don't ask questions.
14:06You start pulling thread, and whole sweater comes undone.
14:09Oh, I see her.
14:11I know which one we're getting.
14:14Back that shit off!
14:16I'm living like a king here.
14:17I got a queen joke, but I'm not gonna say it.
14:20I'm not getting my ass canceled.
14:22Is that salmon farm raised?
14:24We only serve wild-caught to our cats.
14:27And no catnip on the side?
14:29Oh, this is barbaric.
14:31Y'all got catnip and wild fish?
14:34Mm!
14:35Sounds like a jackpot.
14:37Let's get you out of here.
14:39Does Miss Mittens like feather beds?
14:41Feather bed, feather boas, show tunes.
14:45Whatever y'all want.
14:46Hey!
14:47Kitty?
14:48Sorry they didn't want you, big guy.
14:51But that's all right.
14:52Well, not really.
14:54Your time's up.
14:55We're gonna have to put you down.
14:56Ooh, I'm getting put down.
14:58A nap sounds nice.
15:01Anticipation is building for what is being hailed as the fray in the bay.
15:06The just announced title fight between challenger PJ always barkin' larkin'
15:11and the champ, Conor McGregor.
15:14Woke the bat. Woke the bat.
15:16That is, assuming McGregor's out of jail by then.
15:20A notorious Irishman was arrested today for attacking an opponent's bus.
15:24By attacking it, I mean fucking it.
15:27Conor McGregor!
15:28We'd better start training now, son.
15:30Ready, son?
15:31Ready.
15:32Let me just get high first.
15:33Wait just a minute there, son.
15:34PJ, this is what I, in several books I haven't read, call a teaching moment.
15:37I myself have tried cannabis, but there's even better drugs out there.
15:38I know.
15:39Hash, cocaine, a little meth, shrooms.
15:40Shrooms?
15:41Shrooms?
15:42Shrooms?
15:43As in psychedelic mushrooms?
15:44Yeah.
15:45You got some on you right now?
15:46Oh, yeah.
15:47Damn, son.
15:48The hell with training.
15:49Let's party all day.
15:50Let's party all day.
15:51Let's party all day.
15:52Let's party all day.
15:53Let's party all day.
15:54God!
15:55I'm aaltena, baby.
15:56Yeah.
15:57Harmonica Man שא�Marcy Fatigue Te verschieden-
15:58We think all white retro OPkey.
15:59I have to go out.
16:00I'm not going to want to специals.
16:04I am trying to get cannabis but there's even better drugs out there.
16:09I know.
16:10Hash, cocaine, a little meth shrooms.
16:11Mr. Shroom's?
16:12As in psychedelic mushrooms?
16:13Yeah.
16:14You got some on you right now?
16:16Oh, yeah.
16:16Damn, son.
16:17Go, go, go, go!
16:47Of the tiger
17:02So you met someone who set you back on your heels
17:06Kitty kitty, so you met someone and now you know how
17:11You have to put on your dinner outfit. Oh hell no
17:15You start your ballet lessons tomorrow ballet. I thought we agreed on jazz tab. Fellas
17:22I'll make this easy on you. I ain't doing any of that shit. Wait. She can do both
17:27We do want to get her on the best YouTube cat channels. No, no, no
17:32Ain't none of those YouTube felines have a happy ending grumpy cat lil bub keyboard cat same sad-ass story
17:39Oh
17:44Hey dad after we do some more bong ribs. Can you drive me to the stadium? Gotta drop this off for my drug test. Whoa, whoa
17:51Let me see that
17:54Tell you what, let me take care of this. You stay here and fuck Gretchen. That's a good boy
18:00I
18:06Can't go with you standing there if you want to help PJ give me some space
18:14Are you kidding me my boy has the urine of a champion a champion I want to make sure your dweeb pee measures up
