Taskmaster - S19 E07 - Glass Half Most
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FunTranscript
00:00This was a mistake!
00:05Shut up!
00:06Button?
00:15You're mad.
00:17Wow.
00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:35Hello, everybody!
00:37I'm Greg Dalius. Welcome to Taskmaster.
00:39So far, the competition has seen the steely determination
00:42of British blitz spirit.
00:44And whilst I must be respectful and not do too many wartime analogies
00:48when discussing a light entertainment show,
00:50there are some similarities.
00:52We've seen resilience, determination,
00:54steadfast strength in the face of adversity
00:57and, crucially, a brash American sweep in
00:59and try and take all the glory.
01:01LAUGHTER
01:02Let's hope he leaves
01:03without getting loads of our women pregnant
01:05after buying them nylons.
01:07LAUGHTER
01:08Let's get on and begin the next round of the competition
01:11and meet our mighty five once more.
01:13They are...
01:14Fatia Al Gorey!
01:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:17Jason Mandzukas!
01:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:19Matthew Bainter!
01:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:22Rosie Ramsey!
01:24And Stevie Martin!
01:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:28And next to me, a man who told me
01:30that when you're a busy father,
01:31work-life balance can be tricky,
01:33but he's developed a technique on the nights
01:35that he's in charge of the kids.
01:37And I quote him,
01:38I stick them in front of an iPad
01:40and I spark up a fat one.
01:42LAUGHTER
01:43A lot of viewers' questions asking what's different about me this series,
01:53so they've all spotted something.
01:54And it is true, the shoes have had an update,
01:57so I thought I'd talk you through the latest, um, assistant's shoe.
02:01Of course, it does now have, uh, an indicator for...
02:04LAUGHTER
02:05..you know, if you're walking down the corridor,
02:06which way...
02:07I'm going right,
02:08so the right foot will go on.
02:09LAUGHTER
02:10It does have pockets, yes, it does have pockets,
02:11well noted,
02:12so if you want to keep your raisins...
02:13LAUGHTER
02:14..somewhere...
02:15LAUGHTER
02:16..and that's not enough.
02:17The shoe's on now.
02:18Fully edible.
02:19LAUGHTER
02:20LAUGHTER
02:22Thank you,
02:23so that should answer some of the questions.
02:25I'm putting them back on now.
02:26Yeah.
02:27That's my bit done.
02:28Yeah, that's it.
02:29Well, except I'm now covered in edible shoes, so...
02:31LAUGHTER
02:36Hold on to your seats.
02:38This is the one we've been waiting for.
02:41It's going to change lives.
02:43It might change the planet!
02:45It is the biggest anticlimax.
02:48LAUGHTER
02:50Greg will give big points for the thing
02:52which, conversely, has disappointed the most.
02:54It's just such a quirky show.
02:55The end.
02:56Your turn.
02:57LAUGHTER
02:58Genuinely quite funny.
02:59OK.
03:00LAUGHTER
03:01Fattier.
03:02Yes.
03:03What are you saying?
03:04The thing I brought in is a bag of crisps.
03:06You know the family pack, the big one?
03:08And the reason why you buy them is because you want lots...
03:11..you want extra crisps.
03:12If I wanted one bag of crisps, like the little one,
03:14I would have brought that in it.
03:16This is the bag she's brought.
03:17From the outside, this was the inside.
03:19Oh!
03:20Oh!
03:21I hadn't even eaten it yet.
03:22Do you know what I did?
03:23I called trading standards.
03:24LAUGHTER
03:25And I said,
03:26the shop's got kids working in the basement.
03:28That's what I did.
03:29Yeah.
03:30Sorry, Fattier.
03:31So you didn't ring up trading standards and say,
03:33I'm disappointed by the amount of crisps.
03:35No.
03:36You said, the shop's got children working in the basement.
03:38LAUGHTER
03:40It's a perfectly good start.
03:42I think that sounds like five points fattier.
03:44Ooh, no.
03:45Unless these four have really messed up.
03:48LAUGHTER
03:49Rosie.
03:50To me, the biggest anticlimax is your wedding day.
03:54It's Rosie's.
03:55This is what the winner gets.
03:56My wedding day.
03:57LAUGHTER
03:58This is fake.
04:00He looks like he's died and you've stuffed it.
04:03LAUGHTER
04:05You look forward to your wedding day so much,
04:07it costs an absolute fortune.
04:09And I remember sitting there, just looking at everyone,
04:11not finishing their dinner, and thinking,
04:12I've paid 80 quid for that.
04:14LAUGHTER
04:15I just found it a huge anticlimax.
04:17Anti-climax.
04:18And you've illustrated it beautifully with that picture.
04:20And that's the only...
04:21That's the one that I thought...
04:22With that picture of a drunk car salesman.
04:23LAUGHTER
04:26Stevie.
04:28So, you know these, like, display boxes that you get?
04:30Here it is.
04:31And I had it for ages, and I was like,
04:33oh, they're always quite...
04:34Like, what do you put in it?
04:35Like, they're always quite anticlimactic,
04:37and I couldn't remember what I'd actually got in it.
04:39So then, in the moment, I opened it,
04:41and this is genuinely what was inside it.
04:43Here we go.
04:44LAUGHTER
04:46That could be a number for a safe.
04:48It could be my PIN number.
04:49No.
04:50LAUGHTER
04:52Is that your PIN number?
04:53No.
04:54LAUGHTER
04:56But I feel like it's really difficult to know what to put in those boxes.
04:58It's not big enough for jewellery.
04:59Like, what could you ever do that would justify the beautiful, ornate woodwork?
05:04LAUGHTER
05:06I'm getting two, aren't I, again?
05:09LAUGHTER
05:10I love that you presume it's not one.
05:11LAUGHTER
05:13I love it!
05:14Thank you so much for bringing a box of tatties.
05:17LAUGHTER
05:18You're so good.
05:19LAUGHTER
05:21Right.
05:22I think you'll agree I've put quite a lot of effort into these prize tasks so far.
05:27You have, actually.
05:28OK.
05:29And this one, I've really gone to town.
05:32So, do you know what a Rube Goldberg machine is?
05:35Yeah.
05:36I don't know.
05:37I've done it, actually.
05:38I don't know.
05:39So, like, a tennis ball goes down a drain pipe, it turns on a leaf blower, leaf blower blows
05:43the washing round the line.
05:44Yeah.
05:45Built one of these in my garden at great effort.
05:49For this show?
05:50For this prize.
05:51Oh, God.
05:52It is meant to end with a single ignition, multi-shot firework.
05:58LAUGHTER
05:59This looks absolutely spectacular.
06:01If it goes off, I invited some people round to film their reaction.
06:06They don't know what we know, which is that the thing is not going to go off.
06:11Here we go.
06:12Let's take a look.
06:13Let's have a look.
06:14And here we go.
06:16I didn't do any of that.
06:17LAUGHTER
06:19That is a work of art, young man.
06:32I wonder if that'll beat your bag of crisps.
06:35LAUGHTER
06:37Jason.
06:38I think what I've brought is self-explanatory, so why don't, Alex, if you don't mind, just hit it.
06:43Here is Jason's Anticlimax.
06:45A vision of power.
07:02It's truly haunted.
07:05It's evil.
07:06It's my face.
07:07LAUGHTER
07:08Did you do it yourself?
07:09Yeah.
07:10I grabbed one of those, printed out your face, stretched it, glued it, that's what I got.
07:15And the lips work.
07:17What as in what do you mean?
07:19They're kissable.
07:20LAUGHTER
07:21OK.
07:22We're starting with the most climactic, or we're just...
07:25I suppose the least anticlimactic.
07:27Oh.
07:28Don't.
07:29OK.
07:30Because the box is so ornate, I would be most disappointed by that random collection of shit and a horrible hair.
07:35So it's going to be crisp.
07:36So it's one to Fatia.
07:37Two to Stevie.
07:38Then we flip to Jason because, although I'm loath to admit it, there is a very small part of me that feels affection towards you.
07:46So I can't say it was totally anticlimactic.
07:48Wow.
07:49So I'm going to give three points to that.
07:50Three to Jason.
07:51It's very difficult to put your actual wedding day not in the top slot.
07:55But I think we have to acknowledge that Matthew really did...
07:58But I spent £25,000, so maybe I've been enjoying it.
08:01LAUGHTER
08:02Four points to Rosie, five points to Rosie.
08:04Four points to Matthew.
08:05There we go.
08:06Well then, Matthew, thank you.
08:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
08:09Quite long have we got first, please.
08:12We are off to a beautiful location swarming with monsters.
08:16Ooh.
08:17MUSIC
08:31Hello.
08:34Hi.
08:35Rosie.
08:36Hello.
08:37Welcome.
08:38Welcome.
08:39Nice to be here.
08:40Is it?
08:41LAUGHTER
08:42OK, I can see Morse code.
08:45I don't know shit about Morse code.
08:47Right.
08:48I just know it goes beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
08:51LAUGHTER
08:52Five boxes with codes on them.
08:54It reminds me of the hotel safe things
08:56that I always have to get the receptionist to come up and break into
08:59because I forgot my own birthday.
09:02LAUGHTER
09:03What is in the one yellow box?
09:06You may only give one answer.
09:09All the information is in the task.
09:12Fastest to give the correct answer wins.
09:18OK.
09:19You all right?
09:20Yeah, I've just seen these lads.
09:22What's that then?
09:24Some sort of creatures.
09:30LAUGHTER
09:31Oh.
09:32Your time starts now.
09:34Right.
09:36OK.
09:37So there's things happening over there.
09:39Bear reading pornographic magazine.
09:43Sugar Guy magazine?
09:45Bear's a straight perv.
09:48APPLAUSE
09:50Stevie, you're the only person I've ever known
09:53who's used one of those safes in a hotel.
09:55In the hotel I'm currently at, they had to come in and break into it.
09:59Three on-fight ones.
10:00I'm just surprised you've got stuff to lock up
10:02because I've seen inside your jewellery box.
10:04LAUGHTER
10:05Right, shall we start here first?
10:06Yes, please, Greg.
10:07We're going to start with the logical ladies, Rosie and Stevie.
10:11They've got a paddle of some description.
10:12Are they doing mass cord to me?
10:13Oh, they've gone!
10:14Oh!
10:15Oh, my God, there's some sort of bird.
10:16He's just doing his arms.
10:17I think they're wings.
10:18Wings, sorry.
10:19OK, one, two...
10:21One, two...
10:22One, two...
10:23Three...
10:24OK, two, three, two, three, I'm doing.
10:26That's a compass.
10:28Is that a dinosaur?
10:29It's a monster.
10:30Oh, my God, there's some sort of bird.
10:31Oh, my God, there's some sort of bird.
10:33Oh, my God, there's some sort of bird.
10:35One, two, three...
10:39OK, two, three, two, three, I'm doing.
10:44That's a compass.
10:46Is that a dinosaur?
10:47It's a monster.
10:48Oh, he's doing the flags.
10:50Oh, this is like an eye test.
10:53Four, seven, nine.
10:56OK.
10:57Are most cords back?
10:58Dash...
10:59Dash...
11:00Dot...
11:01Dot...
11:02So that's an eight and a five.
11:04Oh, well, that's two numbers, then.
11:06Eight, five, eight, five.
11:11A picture!
11:12Oh, it's a puzzle!
11:13This is not...
11:14This is just question marks.
11:15I don't think this means anything.
11:17Oh, it's...
11:18It's our friend from yonder.
11:19Do you know any of the numbers?
11:21Four, seven, nine.
11:23What's that bear doing there?
11:26Oh, Jesus.
11:27What the hell's going on over there?
11:29OK.
11:30Hello.
11:31What do you mean?
11:32Date, two, five, one, two.
11:37I'm gonna take it.
11:39OK, bye.
11:40Have a lovely afternoon.
11:43The date of the magazine.
11:45Hangman!
11:46I forgot how it would be hangman.
11:48Is this meant to be this difficult?
11:50Erm...
11:51Right.
11:52Erm...
11:53Monster.
11:54Monster.
11:58Bear.
12:00Alligator.
12:02Monster.
12:04Crawl.
12:05Task.
12:07I've seen all of these things.
12:08So I've looked at all of the clues.
12:10Hmm.
12:11No.
12:12OK.
12:13Erm...
12:14There's the gaps.
12:15There's gaps.
12:16One, one, two.
12:17One, one, two.
12:18One, one, two.
12:19Four.
12:20Wow.
12:21Four, four, nine, four.
12:22What's that?
12:23They all have numbers on them.
12:24Am I meant to know more stuff in this?
12:25That's five numbers.
12:26OK.
12:27So what's the relevance of the four, seven, nine then?
12:30Oh, this is seven...
12:31It's like the four, four, seven, nine, four.
12:34Let's try this one.
12:35Seven, nine, four.
12:37Ah!
12:39It's a fish.
12:42Wow.
12:44It's a fish.
12:45No it's a fish.
12:46It's a fish?
12:48It's a fish.
12:49Oh!
12:50It's a fish.
12:52Yes, no.
12:53What's that, it's a fish.
12:54Yeah.
12:55It's a fish?
12:57I've stopped the clock.
12:59OK. What the fuck?
13:05Well, it all seemed fairly logical to me, what they were doing.
13:08The only two things that stood out were Rosie wishing a bear a lovely afternoon.
13:12And, erm, did you genuinely think it was a magic eye?
13:16I thought it was worth a shot.
13:18It wasn't.
13:20There were lots of different ways of solving it, and they used all of those ways.
13:24I suppose. Rosie, 16 minutes, 28.
13:27Stevie, 25.
13:30Still, a lovely day out.
13:33And now, as my auntie said when she caught my uncle in bed
13:36with his bowling partner, Duncan, it's time for a break.
13:39APPLAUSE
13:40Hello, everyone. Thank you. Great to have you all back.
13:54It is great to have you all back. And honestly, I don't even mind the knobheads.
13:57Task-wise, the rivals are trying to find out the contents of the yellow box in the quickest time.
14:03Two undeniably observant gentlemen now. It is Jason and Matt.
14:09Let's just, before we do that...
14:12What's that all about? 44,794.
14:1644,794.
14:18No, I guess not. All right.
14:24Oh, wait, there's a new one. There's a green bag.
14:27I wish I'd paid better attention in Boy Scouts.
14:29Is anyone doing... is it semaphore? I want to say semaphore.
14:34Bloody hell.
14:36U.
14:37Side to side is N?
14:40D. E. That's R. Is it under? Crow. Task. Okay.
14:50Oh, now the crow's going? Jesus Christ, crow.
14:54Man fishing. Now, let's be honest. Is the man fishing part of the show?
14:59Now they've turned their back. And they've got something written on their back, but I can't see it.
15:04Oh, the fisherman's leaving, everybody. Fisherman's obviously creeped out by what's going on.
15:09Right, I'm just gonna go and see what's on their back.
15:17Oh, it's numbers, but I can't read them.
15:24Watch out for these fuckers. They're no good.
15:28479.
15:32479.
15:33This was a mistake!
15:39Why don't you go under on the way out and over on the way back?
15:44Don't distract me.
15:47What if we're 794?
15:54Hmm.
15:55Under 479.
15:57So I'm still clueless.
15:58Should I just do that?
16:0444794.
16:07Imagine if it is just that.
16:13God damn it.
16:16Fish.
16:17Fish, yes.
16:25What is in the yellow box...
16:29Is this.
16:31Right, okay, I'll stop the talk. I suppose you're right.
16:33God damn it, it was there the whole god damn time.
16:38Go to hell!
16:40I think you both felt some sense of rage having run around and then realised it was there all along.
16:52Yeah, a little bit.
16:53And the worst was I was so excited to talk to the fisherman and he kept moving further and further away.
16:59Of course he did.
17:00So I had to chase the man just to talk to him who did not want to be talked to.
17:06He did find a fish before you, so there's something for him.
17:11I got sympathy from a couple of young girls on a park bench and that was a low point for me.
17:16Well, they applauded you because they thought you were a marathon runner.
17:22Right, who's next?
17:24Finally, let's find out if Fatia found the fish.
17:27Here we go.
17:29Okay, we've got one, two, three, four, five.
17:31We've got colours.
17:33There's also that thing there that says, in love in memory of monster.
17:3844,794.
17:40Let's try this.
17:46It's a fifth.
17:48I've stopped the talk.
17:49Am I going now?
17:50You can go now.
17:51I've absolutely got it.
18:01I thought this is going to send this woman over the edge, this task.
18:05There's no way she's going to be chasing crows across a bridge.
18:08Hell no.
18:10No.
18:12One of the times.
18:13Yeah.
18:14Stevie, you were the slowest with your 25 minutes, obviously.
18:16Jason, just behind you though, 19 minutes 15.
18:18So you get the two points.
18:20Rosie was slower than Matt.
18:21You were 16 minutes 28.
18:23Matt, you were 12 minutes 46.
18:24Fatia, 38 seconds and five points.
18:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
18:34Right.
18:35I need a scoreboard update, please.
18:37Rosie's in second with seven.
18:38Matt's in the lead with nine points.
18:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
18:43OK.
18:45What's next, baby boy?
18:47Well, I've only got into it recently, but now I have it all the time.
18:50It's so satisfying, it makes me feel on top of the world.
18:52I just love it.
18:53Yes, I'm talking about yoghurt.
19:06Hi. Hello.
19:07How's it going?
19:08Good, thank you.
19:09Yeah?
19:12What's this?
19:13How are you?
19:14Yes, good.
19:15Yeah, feeling great today.
19:16Hello.
19:17Rosie.
19:18Hiya.
19:21You're back?
19:22Yeah.
19:26Ooh, look at this.
19:27It's a special task.
19:28And actually, before you open the task, I need you to write a word in that little window.
19:33You've got to either write the word most or least.
19:36Oh.
19:37Have you got a pen?
19:38Well, I provided you with a pen.
19:39LAUGHTER
19:44Where is it?
19:45On your way in, I gave it to you.
19:46No, you didn't.
19:47No, you didn't.
19:48I'm sure I did.
19:50You're coming in.
19:51Yeah, yeah.
19:52Yeah.
19:57You're taking the mic, yeah?
19:59LAUGHTER
20:00It's incredible what the brain does.
20:03LAUGHTER
20:12I've watched so many people sort of lose their sense of humour on this show and I've always wondered why.
20:18And now I get it.
20:20A bit hotter.
20:21Hotter.
20:22Here?
20:23No.
20:26Yeah, hotter.
20:27Hotter.
20:36I see that marker.
20:37Yeah.
20:38Good.
20:39I'm just letting you know that I know the marker is there.
20:42OK, I'm going to...
20:44Glass half most.
20:46Glass half most?
20:49Most!
20:52Oh!
20:53Eat this yoghurt with the most...
20:55With the most...
20:56With the most dignity.
20:58There it is.
20:59OK.
21:01Eat this yoghurt with the least dignity.
21:04Most extreme eating wins.
21:07Most extreme?
21:08Yes, extreme dignity, please.
21:10You have 30 minutes.
21:12Your time starts now.
21:15Could you Google dignity?
21:16Oh.
21:17Do you know what I mean?
21:18I know exactly what you mean.
21:19What does it mean?
21:20The song by Deacon Blue.
21:22OK.
21:24APPLAUSE
21:29I mean, it was genuinely fascinating that none of you saw that part, right?
21:32I think when you walk into that room, you just kind of, like, zone in the zone.
21:36It's amazing what the brain does.
21:38It is amazing what the brain does.
21:39It is amazing what the brain does.
21:40It is amazing what the brain does.
21:41One of many quotes to go into the Taskmaster book of quotes.
21:44I'll pop that next to glass half most.
21:47LAUGHTER
21:49No surprise that you had your own pen with you.
21:52Increasingly...
21:53Alex...
21:54LAUGHTER
21:56Yeah, this is...
21:58This man's basically a doomsday prepper.
22:01He's got everything with him to survive.
22:03Oh, no.
22:04There you go. What's that?
22:05Swiss Army knife with a flashlight on.
22:06Why would you bring that onto a TV show?
22:10Terrifying.
22:11All right.
22:12Dignity.
22:13Four of them chose Most Dignity, just the one with the least.
22:16We're going to start with the Most Dignity, Stevie and Jason.
22:20That's a great one.
22:21No surprise.
22:30No surprise.
22:33Take care.
22:34We're all ready.
22:35Take care.
22:36You're ready.
22:37We need to stop at home.
22:37That was delicious.
23:05I just...I own so much land.
23:08LAUGHTER
23:16Mmm.
23:18Sigh.
23:24APPLAUSE
23:26And how do you think that represents dignity, just so I can score this?
23:35I'm going to be honest.
23:36When I'd spilled the yogurt on my hand, I was like, I'm fucked.
23:39LAUGHTER
23:40I'm not trying to get points now.
23:42I'm just on my secondary mission, which is always ongoing.
23:46Destroy, dismantle, engulf in flames.
23:49LAUGHTER
23:50Oh, my God.
23:51Very much an American foreign policy, isn't it?
23:53LAUGHTER
23:58A little bit of politics.
24:00LAUGHTER
24:01Yours was very dignified, I thought.
24:03And I've written something down that may or may not offend you.
24:06I wrote, I hadn't realised until now what a Downton Abbey face you have.
24:11LAUGHTER
24:12LAUGHTER
24:13That's so peppy.
24:14Yeah.
24:15Yeah, really.
24:16I actually...I'll end and he went, you look really nice.
24:18I thought you looked lovely.
24:19She liked it.
24:20Like a pound coin.
24:21I didn't say she didn't look like a pound coin.
24:22I looked like a pound coin.
24:23LAUGHTER
24:24LAUGHTER
24:25Well, from the side, it was just like very...
24:27It was like, cos, stop! Stop your hands!
24:29LAUGHTER
24:30LAUGHTER
24:31Anyway, posh.
24:33Mad.
24:34Well, even more dignity now with Fatia and Rosie.
24:41Eating a yoghurt the most dignified way.
24:43You, at the end, I'd like you to pick your nose,
24:45stir it in your yoghurt, and then lick it off.
24:47I'd like you to put some yoghurt in your mouth
24:49and then I'd like you to kind of squirt it out of your mouth,
24:51like, eat your yoghurt really as fast as you can,
24:53but also at the same time, if you don't mind,
24:55shaking your buzzers.
24:56LAUGHTER
24:59You are the most dignified yoghurt eater
25:03who has ever been on Taskmaster.
25:06Your eyes...
25:08Your eyes are like the dark depths of desire.
25:12Your trainers gracing ground with elegance
25:17and heavenly delight.
25:19Your smell seduces sour nostrils
25:22like moths to a flame.
25:25LAUGHTER
25:28Who has the dignity in your, erm, piece?
25:32LAUGHTER
25:33LAUGHTER
25:34LAUGHTER
25:35LAUGHTER
25:36LAUGHTER
25:37LAUGHTER
25:38LAUGHTER
25:39LAUGHTER
25:41LAUGHTER
25:42LAUGHTER
25:43APPLAUSE
25:45Dignity.
25:47LAUGHTER
25:49APPLAUSE
25:51APPLAUSE
25:52Who has the dignity in your, erm, piece?
25:57Me.
25:58You.
25:59Yeah.
26:00No, I just wondered if this was a clever satirical point
26:03you were making about the workers who lack the social graces, but...
26:06No, OK, cool.
26:08LAUGHTER
26:09Poch woman in a big blouse eating it nicely,
26:11everyone else eating it badly.
26:12Yes.
26:13Or something diva.
26:14LAUGHTER
26:15LAUGHTER
26:16Um, now, you.
26:18LAUGHTER
26:20What's your definition of dignity?
26:22LAUGHTER
26:23Elegance.
26:24Poise.
26:26Posh twat.
26:28LAUGHTER
26:29I just want to make sure that we both have the same understanding of dignity.
26:34Yeah.
26:35It just seems to me some yoghurt gobbling horny woman.
26:38LAUGHTER
26:39LAUGHTER
26:40One of the lines was...
26:41I was wearing gloves.
26:42Who wears gloves?
26:44LAUGHTER
26:45LAUGHTER
26:46Her smell seduces people's nostrils.
26:49Because my smell is seductive, dickhead.
26:52LAUGHTER
26:53LAUGHTER
26:54APPLAUSE
26:56Yeah!
26:57Yes!
26:58Yes!
26:59APPLAUSE
27:01Do you like...
27:02Did you like it?
27:03The definition of dignified, was that good or not?
27:06LAUGHTER
27:07And now it's time for an advert.
27:09LAUGHTER
27:10APPLAUSE
27:12MUSIC
27:21APPLAUSE
27:22Hello!
27:23Welcome back to the start of part three.
27:24Dignity and yoghurts, Alex.
27:26Yes, indeed.
27:27And that's a little in-joke for me and Greg,
27:29as dignity and yoghurts is also Greg's safe word.
27:31LAUGHTER
27:32And now...
27:33It always has been.
27:34Now, for the only competitor who settled for less,
27:37consuming his yoghurt with the least dignity,
27:39yes, it's Matt.
27:41LAUGHTER
27:42LAUGHTER
27:43LAUGHTER
27:44MUSIC
27:45LAUGHTER
27:46Oh, my God.
28:16Please forgive me, Daddy.
28:25I've got your shoes all back in.
28:43That sort of thing.
28:44Yeah, lovely.
28:47Very nice.
28:48All right, see you later.
28:53Incredible.
28:54Wow.
28:55The standout line for me, I've written down, and I thought I'd get you to read it out.
29:00Please forgive me, Daddy, I've got your shoes all mucky.
29:03There aren't the points in the world that can have made that worthwhile for the cost it's
29:12going to have at the school gates.
29:15How are you doing?
29:16Yeah.
29:17Whereas I think I'll get new respect from my children.
29:20Really?
29:21That's the most power I've ever had.
29:22Yeah.
29:24You said Daddy, what did you say Daddy for?
29:26Do you get on where you're at?
29:29That's where you're at.
29:32Good question.
29:33Looking for the most extreme eating, so it might be most dignified or least dignified, whichever
29:38is the most extreme of those two ways.
29:40Obviously, Jason's getting one point.
29:42There was absolutely no dignity whatsoever in smashing up our set again.
29:47One point.
29:48One point for Jason.
29:49Well done.
29:50I do feel there needs to be a jump up there.
29:52I'm going to group Stevie and Rosie together because they went down a class-based dignity,
29:58so I think it's a three-pointer, it feels fair.
30:00And this is going to surprise you, because I do think there was some dignity in that weird
30:04woman.
30:06She was very much in control, she was very comfortable in her own skin.
30:09So is she getting five points?
30:10Four points.
30:11Four points.
30:12Four points.
30:13I mean, obviously, if a man is prepared to humiliate himself in such a profound way,
30:17to be that undignified, how can I not give him five points?
30:22There we go.
30:23Five to Matt Benton.
30:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
30:30And on the test piece of lyrics.
30:32OK, well, if you like gardens, water, choices, an assault course, buckets and bunting,
30:38then you'll enjoy this.
30:39Also, we should really hook up.
30:41LAUGHTER
30:42AM I a worm?
30:43You think I'm going to go through that?
30:44You lost your mind.
30:45Do I look like Lassie?
30:46LAUGHTER
30:47LAUGHTER
30:48That's what they do, isn't it?
30:49I've never seen anyone do it that well.
30:51LAUGHTER
30:52Oof.
30:53Put at least six litres of water in the vase.
30:54I'm assuming this is the vase.
30:55No, that's the vase.
30:56OK, so where's the vase?
30:57OK, so where's the vase?
30:58Oh.
30:59You must either use bucket A, and root A.
31:00OR BUCKET B.
31:01OR BUCKET B.
31:02OR BUCKET B.
31:03OR BUCKET B.
31:04OR BUCKET B.
31:28OR BUCKET B.
31:33No, these are roots.
31:37If you choose A, you must complete one of the tasks at every obstacle.
31:44If you choose B, you must trot throughout.
31:48You know I hate trotting.
31:50I do.
31:51What am I, a horse?
31:53You must stay within the arena at all times.
31:57The arena is the lawn.
31:59I must never touch the bars.
32:01Fastest wins.
32:03You have 30 seconds to pick your bucket, and that time has just started.
32:07OK, so I'm going to pick bucket A.
32:11I feel like that's red herring.
32:13I'm going to do A.
32:14I'm going with A.
32:16Oh, no, I don't know.
32:18What's trotting this?
32:19Yeah, you've got 12 seconds to decide.
32:21Can I do B?
32:22B it is.
32:23Right, we're off.
32:24I'm going to trot.
32:25OK, we're going option B.
32:27Go for it.
32:27Well, Fatty, why are you so cross?
32:35Because he wants me to trot like a horse.
32:36What the hell, man?
32:37Straight away, you're like, who am I?
32:38Lassie or a horse?
32:39I do think I asked what trotting was, because we do not say trot.
32:44Do you not?
32:45No, I think with skipping.
32:46Is it?
32:47What about on a horse?
32:49Oh, I guess you...
32:49You know, the horse, when you do that, on the horse.
32:55Fatty didn't join in that, because she's not a horse.
32:57Oh, she's not fucking lassie either, bruv.
33:01Who are we going to start with?
33:03First up, it's Matt and Stevie.
33:06I bet those buckets have got holes in or something, haven't they?
33:09Yeah, they've got holes in them.
33:11All right.
33:15How is that not working?
33:22Keep doing what you're doing.
33:27Take a big, deep breath and persist.
33:43Carry on.
33:46I should have got water from the...
33:51There's only one way.
33:53This is the only way.
33:54OK.
33:54This is the way.
33:55Yeah.
33:56This is the way.
34:00Make a puddle on the path using all the water in your bucket.
34:08Continue the obstacle course!
34:10I'm going to hold it in my head.
34:13Turn your bucket upside down onto the path right now.
34:15I'm going to go in it and just come back.
34:30Yeah, you're here again, though.
34:31You're probably used to doing one of those tasks.
34:32Pop all the water out of your bucket and out of the arena.
34:35I hope you're having a nice time.
34:47Carry on.
34:50Immediately empty your bucket outside the arena.
34:52Why did you ignore the carry-on one?
34:54Oh!
34:56Can I just continue?
34:57Oh, yay.
34:58It's too late now because I opened the other one.
34:59Yeah.
35:05I've pretty much done all the tasks now, so that's something.
35:08What I like about this bit is it gets your feet wet.
35:11Oh, my God, I'm absolutely sodding.
35:18And there's so little water in there.
35:23I've stopped the clock.
35:27Is that six litres?
35:29Yeah.
35:30Stop the clock?
35:31In my head, I thought, I'll probably be doing so well
35:44that it doesn't matter if I'm throwing this one.
35:46I really needed it.
35:48And this task started for Matthew
35:51by him doing the whole course with an empty bucket.
35:53Yeah, I didn't bring any water with him.
35:57It's amazing what the brain does.
36:01Very good.
36:04Very nice.
36:05How did they see?
36:05Well, we saw, Stevie, they have to get six litres in the vase.
36:09Yeah.
36:09Well, you didn't do very well.
36:10No.
36:11You took eight minutes, 17, and you were nowhere near six litres.
36:15Matt completed it at six minutes, 27.
36:17Now we're going to look at Rosie and Fatia.
36:21What do I have to do?
36:22Trot?
36:22Trot throughout, yeah.
36:24Whee!
36:25How long do I have to do this?
36:26It's faster twins.
36:27Oh, OK.
36:27I knew this was going to happen.
36:32But there's a hole in the bottom.
36:34This is ridiculous.
36:36Do you know how long we're going to be here?
36:40Oh, no.
36:43OK, let's do this.
36:45I'm resourceful, isn't it?
36:46Oh, my God.
36:57Have I got to do this?
36:58All the information is in the task, Rosie.
37:00I can't remember.
37:02She must trot.
37:02I know that.
37:03Can I take these shoes off and feel them?
37:09My shoes?
37:10Yeah.
37:10Give me your shoes.
37:12OK.
37:13Do I have to do this?
37:14I can't remember.
37:14I can't remember.
37:15I can't remember.
37:16You must...
37:16I'm going to do it.
37:17OK, as long as you're trotting.
37:19Are you trotting?
37:25Lovely trotting.
37:26Am I allowed to go there?
37:35As long as you stay on the grass.
37:41Use bucket A, root A, or bucket B, and root B.
37:45Oh, my God.
37:47Trot.
37:52Trotting, I'm trotting.
37:56It's more of a gallop.
38:03Oh, jeez.
38:05Oh.
38:06So, if we do this, it works as a funnel.
38:09OK.
38:10How smart am I?
38:11I'm not sure.
38:20I've done the clock.
38:26I've done the clock.
38:30I'm sorry about your shoes.
38:31No, I didn't expect you to do any of that, but well done.
38:36APPLAUSE
38:36Well, first things first, in no way did that act as a funnel.
38:45Secondly, let's deal with the trotting.
38:48Was your horse lame?
38:52It was like 20,05,000 degrees.
38:55Ah, they all were 20,05,000.
38:59It was hot.
39:00It was hot.
39:00It was really hot.
39:02Rosie's trot was incredible.
39:04I feel the initial trot was great.
39:06Have you clipped it off for me?
39:07Yes, I have.
39:07I clipped the trot.
39:08Here we go.
39:08Yeah, yeah.
39:09Yeah.
39:09Yeah.
39:09Yeah.
39:09Yeah.
39:09Yeah.
39:09Yeah.
39:10Yeah.
39:10Yeah.
39:11Yeah.
39:11Yeah.
39:11Yeah.
39:12Yeah.
39:12Yeah.
39:12Yeah.
39:13Yeah.
39:13Yeah.
39:13Yeah.
39:14Yeah.
39:14Yeah.
39:15Yeah.
39:16Yeah.
39:16Yeah.
39:17And then I thought, well, that's going to be the best trot I see today.
39:20And then you added sound effects.
39:22Here we go.
39:23And this was added by her, not us.
39:25Oh, perfect.
39:29Really nice.
39:30OK.
39:31One part left before someone wins some crisps and a spoon.
39:34Further proof, if you needed it, that life is pointless.
39:38Hello there.
39:39It's the last part of the show and there's a water-carrying task at play.
39:55Only one person left to go and it's Jason's turn to try and put at least six litres of water in the vase.
40:01Here is how he got on.
40:03Uh, fastest wins, you must stay within the arena at all times and must never touch the vase.
40:08OK, great.
40:20Do we know how many litres are in this vase?
40:23No.
40:24I'm eyeballing it.
40:25I'm going to say that's six litres.
40:26Stop the clock.
40:27All right.
40:28Oh, I was delighted.
40:29Yeah, we normally think we put enough small print in to stop that sort of thing happening.
40:41Yeah.
40:42It's frustrating.
40:43What, stop winning happening?
40:44Stop that sort of thing like letting an American win?
40:47Is that what you mean?
40:48Is that what I'm hearing?
40:49But he didn't fill it all though, did he?
40:51Well, yeah, he did have to put six litres.
40:53Wow, now, here's the rub.
40:54You didn't have to fill it, you just had to put six litres and he put, well, he put that much in.
40:57And where's the six litres?
40:59Uh, six litres is here.
41:00Oh!
41:01Oh!
41:02Oh!
41:03Oh!
41:04Oh!
41:05Oh!
41:06Oh!
41:07Yeah.
41:08Oh!
41:09This right here is where you lose America.
41:14Yeah.
41:15I'm just going to eyeball it.
41:17Oh!
41:18Oh!
41:19Oh!
41:20Oh!
41:21Oh!
41:22Oh!
41:23Oh!
41:24Oh!
41:25Oh!
41:26With a dead-on impression, I would be very upset, Rosie.
41:28Yeah!
41:29He was obviously the quickest.
41:31He took one minute.
41:3220.
41:33Yeah, but he didn't get six litres.
41:34He did not.
41:35He got basically the same as Stevie.
41:37LAUGHTER
41:38So, Fatih is third place with her 30 minutes 47.
41:40Matt, second place, gets four points with 6 minutes 27.
41:43But Rosie gets the four points with 3 minutes 15.
41:45Five points!
41:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:48Yes.
41:50One more look at the scores, please.
41:52Yes, well, as is traditional, Jason and Stevie are doing very badly.
41:55LAUGHTER
41:5712 points less than Matt, who's in the lead with 18 points.
42:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:05All right, everyone, please make your way to the stage
42:08for the final task of the show.
42:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:18Who's going to read the task out?
42:21Rosie Ramsey's going to read the task out, please.
42:26Get one of your balls into your bucket.
42:29Your spoons must be poking through the fence when touching the ball,
42:32and only your spoons may touch your ball.
42:35You may not touch the other team's balls or buckets or spoons.
42:39You must always be on your side of the fence
42:42and your ball must always be on the other.
42:45If your ball touches the ground, you must start again.
42:48Fastest wins.
42:50You're trying to get a red ball into the red bucket,
42:52you're trying to get a blue ball into the blue bucket,
42:54and the spoons must go through the fence.
42:57They can't go over or under.
42:59They need to be through that middle section.
43:01OK.
43:02So, is it most balls in the bucket wins?
43:04Just fastest to get one across.
43:06Fascinating. OK.
43:07Fastest wins. You ready, Greg? I'm ready.
43:09GO!
43:10Right, you tell us. You tell us.
43:12Do you just try and move it?
43:15I'll try and take it.
43:16I can reset if you like.
43:17There we go.
43:18Right.
43:19You can use this!
43:20Load me!
43:21It's going to go into the other one.
43:22Yes, load me!
43:23Load me, is it?
43:25James, go!
43:26Nice. Nice.
43:27Nice.
43:28You can use two spoons.
43:29One.
43:30Help me!
43:31Coming.
43:32Load me!
43:33Sorry, guys.
43:34Right, OK.
43:35So, look.
43:36Use a cushion.
43:37A little cushion.
43:38This is lovely work from the blue team.
43:41Fuck it.
43:42Fuck it.
43:43Can you not swear quite so much?
43:44Sorry, sorry, sorry.
43:45It was a direction.
43:51I love it.
43:52They're loving it.
43:53I'm holding it.
43:54I'm holding it.
43:55You come round.
43:56Come round.
43:57You go to the top.
43:58Do you see why it's not every ball, Greg?
43:59This is great.
44:00Are you got it?
44:01You got it?
44:02This is far more watchable than I ever dreamt.
44:03OK.
44:04OK.
44:05OK.
44:06They're getting close.
44:07They're getting close to each other.
44:08It's like the Channel Tunnel.
44:09And you're not allowed to touch each other's spoons.
44:11No, no, no.
44:15I'm sure you got it.
44:16Shit.
44:17How did that happen?
44:18OK.
44:19How did that happen?
44:20OK.
44:21OK.
44:22I'm locked in.
44:23Yeah, go.
44:24We've got this.
44:25We've got this.
44:26OK.
44:27I'm locked in!
44:28Fuck!
44:29I didn't mean to swear.
44:30I didn't mean to swear.
44:31Fuck!
44:32I did mean to swear.
44:33Oh, no.
44:34Wait, wait, wait.
44:35I'm locked in.
44:36Great.
44:37I'm enjoying I'm locked in as a catchphrase.
44:41I'm locked in!
44:42Wait, wait, wait.
44:43Don't touch me.
44:44Don't touch any of that stuff.
44:45I'm not going to.
44:46Wait.
44:47Can we see?
44:48I'm going to let them pass.
44:49Should we let them pass?
44:50You shall pass!
44:51Thank you!
44:52Go, Stevie.
44:53Go, Stevie.
44:54Go, Stevie.
44:55Go, Stevie.
44:56Go, Stevie.
44:57And then it's going to be a straight sprint from here, Greg.
44:58I'm not locked in.
44:59I'm not locked in yet.
45:00OK.
45:01You need to come a little bit further.
45:02Ooh.
45:03Ooh.
45:04I'm locked in now.
45:05You are?
45:06Yeah.
45:07OK.
45:08Great.
45:09Am I out the safety?
45:10It's neck and neck, Greg.
45:11It's neck and neck.
45:12I'm genuinely finding it exciting.
45:13I'm locked in now.
45:14Let's come over.
45:15I'm locked in.
45:16I'm locked in!
45:17All right.
45:18Oh, my God.
45:19They killed my episode.
45:20I'm locked in now.
45:21I'm locked in now!
45:22Oh.
45:24Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.
45:25Oh, wait, wait.
45:26I'm locked in.
45:27I'm locked in!
45:28Oh, no!
45:29I'm not risking it!
45:30Oh, my God!
45:31They killed my episode.
45:32I'm locked in now!
45:33Oh!
45:34Oh!
45:35Oh!
45:36Oh, yeah!
45:37Oh, my God!
45:38It's not happening.
45:40What happened?
45:41Oh
45:58Jason please
46:11Oh
46:24Why wait who'd have thought that passing a ball with some spoons through a fence without exciting well you didn't correct
46:34So the team of two Jason Stevie have managed to get a total of 12 points
46:37I
46:40Mathematically, I don't know how they've managed to do that. They've got six points each well the top we got mad with 23
46:45Well
46:47Well after tonight's when England's under-21s will be looking to build against Slovenia stream or watch live on Channel 4 Sunday at 430
47:11And in our pride collection he plays up front and he gets very personal the UK's only openly gay pro player talks about being out and proud in football
47:19That's streaming right now
47:20You