- 19.6.2025
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00:00This was a mistake!
00:04Shut up!
00:05Button?
00:14You're mad.
00:16Wow.
00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:34Hello!
00:36Welcome to Taskmaster, or as they call it in Wales.
00:39All right, boys, how's it going?
00:41Dear, it's called at the moment, isn't it?
00:43Ooh, I've had to wear my big court, fair play.
00:45It is called my dinner.
00:47Hey, do you know my brother?
00:49He looks like my brother, he doesn't.
00:51The competition is really hurtling towards a conclusion,
00:55so please welcome the warriors holding on for dear life.
00:58They are...
01:14And next to me, a man who says that women
01:17should be like the landmark Shard Building in London.
01:20They should look attractive, remain silent
01:23and have a glass ceiling firmly in place.
01:26LAUGHTER
01:30Don't shoot the messenger!
01:32Shoot...
01:33Little Alex Hall!
01:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:37Hello, boys.
01:39Hello, boys.
01:40All right.
01:41I've just got to do some admin before we start, I'm so sorry.
01:43Mm-hm.
01:44But today, for the viewers at home
01:45and people watching at the big screen in Trafalgar Square,
01:48here is your bingo code.
01:50So just scan that now.
01:51One of you could be a lucky winner.
01:53And, um, Greg, if you wouldn't mind,
01:56we'll just do a quick selfie.
01:58Is that all right?
01:59It's just my...
02:00One of my mum's friends really fancies you, so...
02:03LAUGHTER
02:04One of your mum's friends?
02:05LAUGHTER
02:07LAUGHTER
02:08Thank you to smile.
02:10Actually, it's a video, actually. It's for Jennifer, really.
02:13Just...
02:14Hello, Jennifer.
02:15Lovely, yeah.
02:16I understand you fancy me.
02:18LAUGHTER
02:19You'll strap yourself in.
02:20LAUGHTER
02:21Thanks, Greg. She'll love that, honestly.
02:23Right.
02:24Let's up the prize-class category, please, Alex.
02:26You sure can, Greg.
02:27This time, you've asked them to bring in the best object
02:29that you've borrowed from a fairly close friend.
02:32Mm.
02:33It's down to you to judge the best-borrowed object
02:35and the winner of the whole episode will sort of own
02:37five things that actually belong to other people
02:39that are sort of friends of the cast.
02:41Done.
02:42Stevie, what have you borrowed?
02:43So, um, I went to a wedding,
02:46um, and it was one of my very close friends,
02:49and she really liked Lord of the Rings, but her partner doesn't.
02:52And so, as a compromise, she put, like, a secret bit on her website
02:56and it said if you wanted to get dressed up
02:58as a Lord of the Rings character for the party bit,
03:00then you could.
03:01So, I borrowed loads of things,
03:03one of which was this sword, a foam sword.
03:05Here it is.
03:06Um, four people in the entire wedding
03:08had just put some little cloaks on,
03:10and I went as the Witch-King of Angmar,
03:13um, Lord of Nazca...
03:15APPLAUSE
03:17Is that the bride there, Stevie?
03:19That's the bride.
03:20I mean, I looked at that and I thought,
03:22God, you look different without make-up on.
03:24LAUGHTER
03:25And then I realised you were the Witch-King of Angmar.
03:28LAUGHTER
03:29Well done.
03:30This is...
03:31Might be your best thing so far.
03:32Yes!
03:33Three points.
03:35LAUGHTER
03:36I don't see it going past three, for sure.
03:38LAUGHTER
03:40Matthew.
03:41Well, for me, it was a case of, er,
03:44Jim Howick's two-man kayak.
03:46And here it is.
03:48LAUGHTER
03:49So, I remembered he had this,
03:51and I thought that would be a pretty significant thing
03:54to have borrowed from a fairly close friend.
03:56Yeah.
03:57So, I managed to persuade him that I needed to borrow it
04:01to let my kids go kayaking.
04:03Why didn't you just tell him you were borrowed it for this?
04:06Well, why did you have to tell this ridiculous life?
04:08It's like an option.
04:10LAUGHTER
04:12That wouldn't be funny.
04:14LAUGHTER
04:16How would that be funny?
04:18Fatia, can you beat a kayak?
04:20Yeah, I can.
04:21You know when you're struggling in life, yeah,
04:23and things are hard, and then everything,
04:25every part of your life starts to suffer.
04:27So, there was a point in my life where I was struggling,
04:30with Faith particularly, and then there was a girl
04:32that I was working with, and she gave me a prayer mat.
04:37And here it is, on Taskmaster.
04:39There it is.
04:40Aw. Nice.
04:41And every time I struggle in something,
04:42I always look at this and remember, like,
04:44the hope at the end of it.
04:46So, I'm grateful, and, yeah, that was it,
04:48and good luck making that funny.
04:51LAUGHTER
04:53APPLAUSE
04:55There are not many people, I would argue,
04:58on television globally, in my position,
05:01who would have the sheer audacity
05:04to put a rubber sword above an Islamic prayer.
05:08LAUGHTER
05:13I've got to say, it feels like quite the test.
05:15LAUGHTER
05:16It's a really lovely story and a lovely object.
05:19Rosie.
05:21So, I... It's lovely. Really lovely.
05:23And I'm so glad it brings you so much joy.
05:26Erm, I've brought in, erm, a pelvic floor exerciser.
05:30LAUGHTER
05:31APPLAUSE
05:40Sorry, somebody wants that back.
05:42LAUGHTER
05:44You...borrowed it?
05:46LAUGHTER
05:47I did, yeah.
05:48Who did you borrow it from?
05:49My fairly close sister.
05:51LAUGHTER
05:52Could have lied.
05:53She's being honest, which is good.
05:54I know, yeah, no, but I...
05:55We've got the same juice.
05:57LAUGHTER
06:02Everyone's got their hands on their face.
06:04Everyone.
06:05Like, I washed it in that, obviously.
06:07Obviously!
06:08She'll pop back to the prayer mat for a bit?
06:10LAUGHTER
06:12One more.
06:13Oh, God, this is awful.
06:15I dread to think what you've brought in.
06:17So, the best thing to borrow from a close friend,
06:20or a semi-close friend...
06:22Mm-hmm.
06:23..is, for me, a prize that has previously been awarded
06:27five points in the prize task category.
06:31Let's see it.
06:32That's nice.
06:33He borrowed this from Fatia.
06:35LAUGHTER
06:36You won, come on!
06:37LAUGHTER
06:40This is the Taskmaster pop-up book
06:43that Matthew brought and Fatia won,
06:46and I asked to look at it and she said,
06:49yeah, go ahead, borrow it, take it as long as you want.
06:51This was 45 minutes ago.
06:54LAUGHTER
06:56So, and you gave it five points last time,
06:58so give me them points, baby.
07:00LAUGHTER
07:01OK, that's everything.
07:02I don't know...
07:03No.
07:04..whether you should be borrowing...
07:07..a device for your vagina.
07:09LAUGHTER
07:11So...
07:12So, one point.
07:13One point to Rose.
07:14Two points to Matthew's thing.
07:15Two to the kayak.
07:16Two to the kayak.
07:17Got it.
07:18Kayaks are boring.
07:19You gave three points to Jason.
07:21How dare you!
07:22Stevie wouldn't be getting four points just for the sword
07:26if I hadn't seen that picture of her in that outfit next to a bride.
07:30And five points for Fatia because, you know, of course,
07:33it was a genuinely touching story and I'm thrilled that it's so important to you.
07:37Five points to Fatia El Ghori!
07:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
07:43Let's start the tasks popper!
07:45Yes, and we're going to see them doing their best to impress
07:48in the garden, first of all.
07:50MUSIC PLAYS
07:52Hello.
08:04Hi, Alex.
08:05Hi, Jason.
08:06Hello, Alex.
08:07Lovely to see you.
08:08Lovely to see you.
08:09We were just speaking inside.
08:10Hello.
08:11What's cooking?
08:12Good looking?
08:13Oh, really?
08:14I went on a school trip bowling and it went really badly.
08:17Knock over all ten skittles in ten minutes.
08:23In America, skittles are a candy.
08:25Ah, what are these?
08:26Bowling pins.
08:28The final skittle should fall exactly when the whistle sounds.
08:32If any skittle is left standing after ten minutes, you have failed.
08:38You must stay behind the rope at all times.
08:42Closest to ten minutes wins.
08:44Your time starts now.
08:47I mean, it's pointless asking.
08:49There's not a bowling ball that you've got there, is there?
08:51You could do whatever you want behind that rope.
09:00You alluded to a terrible bowling trip there.
09:03Yes.
09:04Do you want to talk about it?
09:05Not really.
09:07I got bullied at school and that's where it started.
09:09So...
09:10It's not...
09:13You asked. It's not funny.
09:15Put the prayer mat up.
09:18Come on, let's bounce.
09:19Let's bounce.
09:20OK, well, first up, and I hope they do really, really well at this one,
09:23it's Jason, Matt and Stevie's attempts.
09:27I'm going to smash this because I went on a bowling trip with school
09:32and came last and it was the pinnacle of the bullying experience
09:38and I...
09:39No-one sat with me on the bus home.
09:40So sorry to trigger you.
09:41So I just need to clear them all but one for now.
09:46That won't do it.
09:54Pretty great, right?
09:55Pretty good.
09:56You want the last one going down in nine minutes' time.
10:03Three.
10:04Sorry about the pop.
10:07Not bad.
10:08OK.
10:14I care nothing for your cameras!
10:19Yeah, you've done one.
10:20Look out.
10:25Yes!
10:43One minute five.
10:46Ooh!
10:47Watch out!
10:52Yes!
10:53What's the time?
10:5450 seconds.
10:55OK.
11:06Are you OK?
11:09I think I'm over the line.
11:1112 seconds left.
11:12Three Skittles still.
11:13They need to all go down.
11:14Can you pass me the brick?
11:19Yes!
11:20You've got four seconds.
11:21One brick!
11:24Five.
11:25Five.
11:30My hands are shaking!
11:31No, come on.
11:32What?
11:37I mean, that was...
11:39Hmm.
11:40I'm really sorry.
11:41I'm just a bit upset.
11:42I'm really sorry.
11:43I'm really sorry.
11:44I'm sorry this is so stupid.
11:45I'm sorry.
11:46It must have been an easier way, Matthew.
11:47It must have been an easier way, Matthew.
12:00Stupid!
12:01What the hell is going on?
12:02It's not a real episode.
12:03Is this...?
12:04Rubbish.
12:05Rubbish.
12:06Rubbish all round.
12:07What's next?
12:08OK.
12:09It was a shame.
12:10Well, next up, I'm just going to shut up and press play.
12:11BUZZER
12:12BUZZER
12:17BUZZER
12:18BUZZER
12:23BUZZER
12:25BUZZER
12:26BUZZER
12:27BUZZER
12:28Ebenund.
12:31Shall we?
12:32Yes?
12:33Fail the next task
12:35in the most heartbreakingly spectacular way.
12:39I'm really sorry.
12:40I'm sorry.
12:41I'm sorry, this is so stupid.
12:42Um, Stevie?
12:43If you succeed in the next task,
12:45you will lose one point.
12:48So, the next task?
12:49Yeah.
12:50Are you going to succeed?
12:51Yeah.
12:53How?
12:54By failing.
12:55Good.
12:56UGH!
12:57So after this, you're going to go out there, turn left and do a task.
13:00How long?
13:01Two seconds.
13:02You need to fail that task.
13:04If you succeed in the next task, you will lose one point.
13:09Huh?
13:11Let's do it.
13:12Come on.
13:13Where are we going?
13:14We're going out there.
13:18Hi, Jason.
13:19Hello, Alex.
13:20Lovely to see you.
13:21Lovely to see you.
13:22We were just speaking inside.
13:23Were we?
13:24Yeah.
13:25Just, like, mere moments ago.
13:31Well, thank God.
13:34So that means that was a fake fall you did?
13:36A planned fall.
13:37It was real.
13:38Yeah.
13:39Let me be clear.
13:40I fell hard.
13:42Really good.
13:43Jason also chose violence for the 12th time in the series.
13:47Violence against myself.
13:50And the cameraman when you threw a croquing heart.
13:52Oh, yeah.
13:53I don't think of them as people.
13:54Oh, I'd love it if you were out of focus for the rest of the effort.
14:04Matthew, I genuinely thought that was your actual attempt.
14:07Because you've been so close to some sort of collapse mentally,
14:12because I thought, yeah, I mean, he's nearly there now.
14:15Oh, gosh.
14:16Thank God.
14:17It was quite harrowing.
14:19It's all right.
14:20I felt very hot and sweaty and embarrassed watching that clip.
14:23The total light?
14:24I got bullied, but not that badly and not at bowling.
14:31So they all did well, weren't they, so far?
14:33It's most heartbreakingly spectacular.
14:34And they all came down right to the end.
14:36These two missed the final one at the last second.
14:39And 20 seconds before the end, Jason fell.
14:42OK, break time.
14:43Power nuff or power crap?
14:45That's up to you, my friends.
14:46But whatever you do, please don't do both at the same time.
14:49That's a nice sofa.
14:51See you in a minute.
15:02Hello!
15:03Welcome back to part two of Taskmaster.
15:06There have been some unintentionally glorious failures
15:09on this show over the years,
15:10and now they're trying their best to fail on purpose.
15:14Yeah, boy, this is some next-level stuff.
15:17Wah!
15:18Pah! Isn't it?
15:19The task they need to fail is to knock over ten Skittles in ten minutes.
15:23If they succeed at the task, they will lose one point.
15:26Now, for the final two heartbreakingly spectacular contestants,
15:29it's Rosie and Fattier.
15:35What do I use?
15:36What would you normally use?
15:37Are you looking for anything in particular?
15:39Yeah, I'm looking for some balls.
15:41These aren't really that heavy.
15:47Ooh, yes!
15:48Come on.
15:51Are you ready?
15:52I'm ready.
15:56I'll get one, I'll get one.
15:58Oh!
16:02That's a good strategy, right?
16:03They've all got to go down.
16:04I know, I'm trying, I'm trying.
16:06In the next five minutes.
16:07Watch out, everyone.
16:08Watch out, everyone.
16:09OK.
16:12Yes!
16:13Yes!
16:14Come on!
16:15Maybe if I throw it.
16:16Maybe.
16:17Hold on.
16:22Yes!
16:23Two left.
16:24You don't want to knock them all down.
16:25Right.
16:26Oh!
16:27Oh!
16:32The last one's going to fall at exactly ten minutes.
16:36Wow.
16:37I'm coming.
16:38OK, you need to get them all down.
16:39Oh!
16:40Oh!
16:45You haven't knocked any down.
16:46How do you feel?
16:47Terrible.
16:48I'm the best throw-er in my borough.
16:51And now look.
16:52Yeah.
16:53Yeah.
17:00Congratulations.
17:01You've knocked over all ten and there's just two and a half minutes left.
17:05Yeah.
17:10Just, um, check the wording of the task.
17:13Fail the next task in the most...
17:14Oh, heartbreakingly spectacular.
17:16Sorry, I thought it was just shit.
17:19And you didn't fail.
17:21No, I know.
17:22I didn't really understand.
17:23And he talked to me for ages about it and I just...
17:26I nodded, didn't I?
17:27Yeah.
17:28Yeah.
17:29I went, I didn't have a clue.
17:32So what does that mean?
17:33Rosie gets...
17:34Well, it means it's mad that she's in second place in the series, but...
17:39She has to get minus one point.
17:41That's it.
17:42You have to go down a point in the series.
17:43I'm sorry.
17:44What?!
17:45Oh, you don't understand.
17:46You have to lose a point.
17:47I lose a point?!
17:49So, all we know is that Rosie definitely gets minus one point
17:51because she succeeded in the task.
17:53The rest all failed, so it's up to you.
17:54Who was the most heartbreakingly spectacular?
17:56Fatia, do you think that was heartbreaking or spectacular?
17:59I think it was bloody spectacular.
18:02Well, I'm here to tell you it was neither of them.
18:06You're so cruel, but it just makes me want you more.
18:11Exactly my tactic, Fran.
18:13OK, two to Fatia.
18:14OK, Matthew's was generally quite heartbreaking
18:17because it was, you know, part of his ongoing breakdown.
18:21Right?
18:22But I think we have to reward Jason's incredible stunt at the end.
18:26OK.
18:27Spectacular.
18:28Three to Matthew, four to Jason.
18:29Yeah.
18:30No.
18:31Obviously.
18:32Yeah.
18:33I mean, I genuinely believed you were bullied.
18:35Oh, I was, but not that bad.
18:37But not that bad.
18:38So, it's all cool.
18:39Five points.
18:40Five points to Steve Martin.
18:41APPLAUSE
18:42Hey, what's the scores?
18:45After two tasks, Rosie's got zero points.
18:48At the other end of the table, we've got Stevie Martin on nine points.
18:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
18:53Right.
18:54Another one next.
18:55Yes, please.
18:56Well, it's an arty team task next that's got them all in a spin.
19:00MUSIC PLAYS
19:13You go first this time.
19:14Oh, thank you.
19:15Hello, team.
19:16Hello.
19:17Please stand on the spot.
19:19Yep.
19:20Good luck.
19:21JV Marzukas!
19:23JV Marzukas!
19:24Each person must write down three words to describe a memorable scene.
19:31You must be silent throughout.
19:33And your teammate must not see what you have written.
19:37You have one minute.
19:39Your time starts now.
19:42Three words, memorable scene, on that card, please.
19:45A memorable scene.
19:47Like a scene in a film.
19:49Just a memorable scene.
19:50That's all the information.
19:52OK, I'm just going to collect in those cards.
20:03And that's for you.
20:04Aww.
20:05That's the second part of the task.
20:07OK.
20:08OK, here we go.
20:10Paint your memorable scene so that your teammate can guess your three words.
20:15You must not give any clues about your own three-word scene,
20:20except by painting the scene.
20:22You must not write any words.
20:24Fastest wins.
20:25Your time starts when the turntable turns.
20:30Turn the turntable.
20:38What?
20:39Are you joking?
20:40Have we got to do it?
20:41Are you kidding me?
20:42Are you kidding me?
20:43Are you kidding me?
20:49Your nickname is not going to catch on.
20:51Yes, it is.
20:52It makes you both less memorable.
20:54What?
20:55What is it?
20:56JV Marzoukas.
20:57JV Marzoukas.
20:58We should get a point for having a team name in Team Spirit.
21:00Yeah.
21:01And we've lost every team task so far.
21:02You have been bad.
21:05Good.
21:06Good.
21:07Let's spin the canvases, man.
21:10Will do.
21:11I suppose we might as well start with a team of two.
21:13Jason and...
21:15Please use our team name.
21:16Better known as...
21:17JV Marzoukas.
21:19Yes!
21:21Turn the turntable.
21:26OK.
21:27Oh.
21:28Oh, I see.
21:29OK.
21:30Don't guess yet.
21:37Rabbit.
21:38That is one of the words.
21:39OK.
21:40Oh, dang.
21:41OK.
21:42I'm bad at this.
21:44Now it just looks like boobs.
21:45It looks like boobs, but it's not boobs.
21:47I won't guess boobs?
21:48Yeah.
21:49Wait.
21:50Guess, guess, guess.
21:51Oh, sorry.
21:52Poison.
21:53Skull and crossbones.
21:54Pirate.
21:55Medicine.
21:56What?
21:57Woman?
21:58Uh...
21:59Graveyard.
22:00Oh, son of a bitch.
22:01Like, what more can I possibly do than what I've done?
22:04Mountain dead.
22:05Dead is right.
22:06Car.
22:07Yes!
22:08Car.
22:09Great, great, great.
22:10She's got none of yours.
22:11None of mine.
22:12Oh, what is it?
22:13Oh, it's a lip.
22:14It's a car.
22:15It's a boat.
22:16But it's smiling.
22:17Smiling.
22:18Lip smiling.
22:19Sad face.
22:20Oh, love.
22:21Kissing.
22:22Kissing.
22:23Kiss.
22:24Kiss.
22:25Kiss is correct.
22:26OK, right.
22:27Memorable scene with kissing.
22:28Boobs kissing.
22:29It doesn't feel like you're doing anything.
22:30Turn them around and start again, maybe.
22:31Yeah, great.
22:32That's a great idea.
22:33I'm going to do that.
22:34OK.
22:35So we're starting again.
22:36Here it comes.
22:37Oh, baby.
22:38Baby's kissing.
22:39It would be memorable.
22:40Oh.
22:41Oh.
22:42I see.
22:43Slap.
22:44Yes.
22:45Correct.
22:46One to go.
22:47We've got two words right now.
22:48OK.
22:49Kiss.
22:50Slap.
22:51Look.
22:52What is that?
22:53Glare.
22:54Glower.
22:55Yes.
22:56Yes.
22:57Yes.
22:58Yes.
22:59Please.
23:00Look.
23:01Glimpse.
23:02Glass.
23:03Glimpse.
23:04Yes.
23:05Please.
23:06Look.
23:07Glimpse.
23:08Glance.
23:09Glance is right.
23:10I've stopped the clock.
23:11You went from glower to glimpse to glance.
23:12I got glance from that.
23:13That's incredible.
23:14That's incredible.
23:16Can I just say something?
23:18Before we did it, when we wrote the words, Jason went,
23:22just so you know, when we're writing these words,
23:24we're probably going to have to paint them.
23:25And then he wrote glance.
23:26This was a real low point for JV Martzoukas because I felt,
23:29I felt particularly bad for Stevie because I am dog shit at every element of this.
23:38What?
23:39This is going to come as a surprise.
23:41I'm willing to say I'm not good at art.
23:44And this, ladies and gentlemen, marks the first time that Jason has admitted that he's bad at anything.
23:51Yeah.
23:52Unless it's boobs, which I can draw when I'm trying to draw anything.
23:55It comes out looking like boobs.
23:59Thank you for saluting me.
24:00This might be your journey to becoming British, you know, a bit of self-doubt.
24:04Oh, Daddy!
24:08OK, advert time.
24:10In a troubled world, what better moment to take the hand of that special person in your life
24:15and tell them that you love them?
24:20Do you want me to get the belt again?
24:22I'm so sorry.
24:23I thought you wanted me to...
24:24OK, everyone.
24:25We'll see you in a minute.
24:26I'm so sorry.
24:27APPLAUSE
24:28Here we are.
24:29It's the start of the second half of the show.
24:30There's a team task which needs closure.
24:31So the task involves each contestant painting a memorable scene on their canvas, which can be described in three words.
24:49And they then have to guess what each other three words are from their paintings.
24:53Fatia, Matthew and Rosie are all in one team, so this won't be straightforward.
24:58Oh, for God's sake.
25:00Right, that's yours then.
25:02Right, this is mine.
25:03Oh, sugar.
25:04Do you know what?
25:05I like this, yeah?
25:06Cos I used to do art.
25:07So I'm going to smash this right up.
25:08Guess what the others are.
25:09Lightning.
25:10No.
25:11Storm.
25:12That is one of the words.
25:13Is yours Jaws?
25:14Not Jaws.
25:15It's three words.
25:16Captain Phillips?
25:17No, it's three words.
25:18Is it love?
25:19Love is one of the words, correct.
25:20Love.
25:21Are we guessing the film?
25:22Ocean.
25:23No, you're just getting the three words.
25:24Oh, just words.
25:25Giraffe?
25:26No.
25:27Is it drowning?
25:28Correct.
25:29We're looking for six more words.
25:30Wow.
25:31You've added details.
25:32Is it a sex scene?
25:33Romeo and Juliet.
25:34Is it from Titanic?
25:35Is it?
25:36Weirdly, the Titanic was what was in my mind for this.
25:37Can I tell him?
25:38Definitely not.
25:39No.
25:40That would give it away.
25:41Could I quickly draw some things in the film?
25:42What are you doing in the film?
25:43What are you doing in the film?
25:44Ocean.
25:45No, you're just getting the three words.
25:46Oh, just words.
25:47Giraffe?
25:48No.
25:49Is it drowning?
25:50Correct.
25:51We're looking for six more words.
25:52Wow.
25:53You've added details.
25:54Is it a sex scene?
25:55Romeo and Juliet.
25:56Is it from Titanic?
25:57Is it?
25:58Can I draw some things that you might guess the words?
26:00Well, I think you should have done that a while ago.
26:02Oh.
26:03French women.
26:05French is correct.
26:06Oh, yeah.
26:07I can't give any clues, can I?
26:09No, you can by painting.
26:11Life drawing.
26:12Posing.
26:13Figurative.
26:14Masturbating.
26:15Touching yourself.
26:17Are you giving me a clue?
26:19Seduction.
26:20No, am I?
26:21Yeah, seduction.
26:22Seductive.
26:23Yeah, let's try it so...
26:25What could your word do?
26:26Mine is so easy.
26:27Where are they?
26:28Restaurant.
26:29Café.
26:30Café is right.
26:31Yes!
26:32Oh.
26:33Is it...
26:34What's it called?
26:35It's the film.
26:36Harry and Sally.
26:37Correct!
26:38Yay!
26:39High five, bruh!
26:40We've got Harry, Sally, Café, Stormlove, Drowning and French.
26:44And French.
26:45Yeah.
26:46Sexy.
26:47Sexy is correct.
26:48OK, now, my last word.
26:49How do you draw this?
26:50What's the film?
26:51Titanic.
26:52And what's the scene?
26:53The scene where he paints her naked.
26:55Using?
26:56Using paint.
26:57Pencil!
26:58Crayons.
27:00Charcoal.
27:01Correct!
27:02Is it?
27:03Off the turntable!
27:04I'm so sorry.
27:06I'm so sorry.
27:07I remember the bit where he drowns more.
27:09APPLAUSE
27:10Well, Rosie, I put it to you that for the vast majority of that task you didn't understand
27:20it.
27:21No!
27:22No, I didn't.
27:23What's absolutely fascinating is even when you understood it, you chose to depict the scene
27:28where Kate Winslet gets painted with the words, sexy French charcoal.
27:34She says, draw me like one of those French girls.
27:38It's just such a strange combination.
27:40I don't know where these things come from in my brain.
27:42And when Rosie was arguably cheating by simply playing charades, Matthew's guess was figurative
27:50masturbation.
27:51And then Fatia stepped in and went, what, touching yourself?
27:56I mean, it's just madness.
27:59OK, let's hear the timings first.
28:02Yeah, total timings.
28:03I mean, arguably the team of three had a harder job because they're three to guess rather
28:07than two, but they were substantially slower.
28:09Six minutes, ten for the team of two, twelve minutes, sixteen for the team of three.
28:13So, I suppose three minutes per painting or four minutes per painting.
28:16The team of two definitely won it, so they get five points, I think.
28:19Five points for Stevie and Jason.
28:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:22Well done.
28:28So, how many points for the team of three, Kent?
28:31Yes, I'm going to give them three points.
28:32Three points.
28:33Because, you know, there was some creativity going on there, a bit of cheating.
28:35They took twice as long.
28:36Three seems fair.
28:37The team of three get three, the team of two get five!
28:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:41I would like another task right away!
28:44Yes, right, here we go.
28:46Oh, sorry, can you go off a bit?
28:48Sorry, Lizzie.
28:49That's it, go back a bit.
28:50Back a bit.
28:51Back a bit more, that's it.
28:52Stop.
28:53Sorry, not that.
28:55Go, go back again.
28:56OK, yeah, from there, please.
28:58Good.
28:59Right, here's the next task.
29:00I came in with a bang.
29:17Jason.
29:20Lots of props.
29:27Obey the autocue.
29:29OK.
29:30The most authoritative delivery with the fewest mistakes wins.
29:36Oh!
29:38Your time starts when the autocue starts.
29:41Have you used autocue before?
29:43No.
29:48Rosie, I forget that you're a mother.
29:50You've got two children, right?
29:51Yeah.
29:52And every now and again, you just get a brief insight into it.
29:55And the way that you arrived at this task and assessed it,
29:58it looked like a mum going into a kid's room and going,
30:01look at the state of this bedroom.
30:03Can you just show the clip?
30:04I know the bit.
30:05It's this bit.
30:06LAUGHTER
30:07LAUGHTER
30:08APPLAUSE
30:14OK, good.
30:15Who's first?
30:16Yes, it's time to try out our first three young science presenters,
30:18Jason, Matt and Rosie.
30:20Commence the autocue.
30:22Oh, hello, folks.
30:23My name is scientist Dr Rosie slash Ramsay.
30:28Dr Jackson Mickey.
30:32My name is Dr Dark Stuff.
30:35And I'd like to welcome you all to Science Today Today.
30:41Science Today.
30:43Science Today.
30:45What's going to happen?
30:46And science all your life.
30:48Get fucking buckled in!
30:51Science Today!
30:52Here we go!
30:55So, what's on today's Science Today show?
30:58We're going to do two scientific demonstrations,
31:00and I guarantee they'll both blow your mind.
31:06Let me think.
31:07Which two experiments should we do today on Science Today?
31:12OK, we will do...
31:13One.
31:14One.
31:15And three.
31:16Number one and number three.
31:18Oh, yes.
31:19So, that means you'll see me do the bounce experiment.
31:23Ha-ha!
31:24Boing!
31:28This ball is so bouncy that every time you drop it,
31:31and that's drop, not throw...
31:33It bounces up to a much higher place than where it started.
31:36I know.
31:37Matt, watch this.
31:42Failure.
31:43This fantastical orb has a tiny track out inside,
31:46which means it always returns to exactly where it was thrown from.
31:50Don't believe me?
31:51You will soon.
32:01Ta-da!
32:02Are we joking?
32:03Let's move on to my second experiment.
32:07Yes!
32:08Yes!
32:09Did you know a rainbow changes the colour of the whole sky?
32:12I think that's right.
32:13I can't remember.
32:14I'm having trouble sleeping.
32:16There was this time a few years ago when I actually...
32:20was dropped from a very high height.
32:25I hit someone in my car.
32:29I think...
32:30I think they were still okay, but I was...
32:34I panicked and I drove away.
32:39Ten years ago.
32:42I was lost at sea.
32:44Anyway, there's a way you can change the colour of other things too.
32:51And that way is called... paint.
32:54Paint!
32:55If you shut your eyes and really concentrate, you can actually tell the colour of paint by its smell.
33:07Take this tub here, okay?
33:09I'm going to put the tub behind my back and open it without looking at it.
33:12Now, I'm going to do a big sniff of the air in front of me.
33:19That's definitely blue.
33:21Blue.
33:22Blue.
33:23That's the one.
33:28Yellow.
33:29Ooh.
33:30I think that one's yellow.
33:31It's yellow.
33:32Totally yellow.
33:33But what happens if I mix these two together?
33:34It'll make a brand new colour.
33:35That colour is called...
33:36Blallo.
33:37And that colour is called...
33:38James.
33:39Once they're mixed together, I can use my thumb as a paintbrush on it.
33:46And it's like a brown colour, isn't it?
33:47What's brown?
33:48A piece of turd.
33:49And hey, presto.
33:50I've made a white paintbrush on it.
33:52And they're really yellow.
33:53And they're really yellow.
33:54But what happens if I mix these two together?
33:55It will make a brand new colour.
33:56That colour is called...
33:57Blallo.
33:58And that colour is called...
33:59James.
34:00Once they're mixed together, I can use my thumb as a paintbrush.
34:02On it.
34:03It's like a brown colour, isn't it?
34:04What's brown?
34:05A piece of turd.
34:06And hey, presto.
34:08I've made a blallo car.
34:13Boobs.
34:15I've got to go now.
34:16But not before I sing the theme tune again.
34:18Exactly the same as I sang it first time round.
34:21Let's dance together.
34:23Goodbye, everyone.
34:24Science today.
34:25Science today.
34:27Dr Rosie Ramsey.
34:28Science today.
34:30Science yesterday.
34:31Ready for science today.
34:32Not science tomorrow.
34:34Science today.
34:35Today.
34:36I will kill you.
34:38APPLAUSE
34:43When I was a child growing up in the 1970s, the BBC used to show really boring open university lecturers.
34:51It was so tedious and awful.
34:53For the vast majority of it, that's what Matthew reminded me of.
34:56That's what I was going for.
34:58And then every now and then, something weird just sneaked in.
35:02Here's science, Matt.
35:04Science today.
35:07And science all your life.
35:09LAUGHTER
35:11I guess those broadcasts when you were a child were different over in the States, were they?
35:16Much more aggressive.
35:17Yeah.
35:18Yeah.
35:19Yeah.
35:20Get fucking buckled in.
35:21LAUGHTER
35:22I don't know how relevant I will kill you is.
35:25LAUGHTER
35:26Listen.
35:27You know what that's going to do?
35:29Bring them back for the next episode.
35:31I mean, the thing I thought about Rosie was, she's just a pretty good presenter.
35:35Wasn't she?
35:36That was a task.
35:37Yeah?
35:38LAUGHTER
35:39OK, let's stop for the last time and take a break.
35:41Come back when someone will win and then have to give back some borrowed prizes.
35:46And there was me thinking this show couldn't get any more low rent.
35:49We'll see you in a minute.
35:51APPLAUSE
36:02Welcome back.
36:03Here is the last part of the show and the cast are auditioning to be children's TV science presenters.
36:08Yes, they are.
36:10Because that's what the task told them to do and no-one seems to question the premise.
36:14Now, for our final two, it is Stevie and it is Fatia.
36:18Oh, hello, folks.
36:20My name's...
36:22..Dr Darth Lightfinger.
36:24My name is...
36:26..F-F-F-F-F-F-F...
36:29..and I'd like to welcome you all to Science Today Today.
36:35Which two experiments shall we do today on Science Today?
36:42I'm going to pick one and four.
36:45Number one, the bounce experiment.
36:47Boing, boing, boing, boing.
36:49A boingy boing.
36:50This ball is so bouncy.
36:52Watch this.
36:54Good Lord!
36:56This fantastical orb has a tiny tracker inside.
37:00This is what...
37:01Woo!
37:02This is deadly.
37:04And I'll also do number two, the toothpaste experiment.
37:09The balloon popping experiment.
37:12Nobody likes the sounds of balloons popping, do they?
37:15Especially not me.
37:16As everyone knows, elephants have teeth that can grow to this big.
37:22Well, you can easily stop a balloon from popping by filling it with liquid.
37:27The best way to get toothpaste for your elephant is to manufacture it in your home.
37:33Here we go, bruv.
37:37This is not going to work.
37:39Stop!
37:43First, I just need to add this yeast to my warm water.
37:48I'm stirring vigorously.
37:51See?
37:52I told you I could do it.
37:54Now!
37:55This is crazy.
37:56And I'll put all the glitter into the Special Elephants toothpaste mixture bottle.
38:01I'm also going to blow a balloon up now.
38:04With the gas inside my body, I'm not farting into a balloon.
38:07Are you mad?
38:08I always make a horrible retching sound.
38:12Sorry about that.
38:13Watch the chemicals react.
38:23When I put a sharp pin on the first balloon, it won't make a noise at all.
38:30It will be absolutely silent.
38:33Oh, my God, is it going to blow?
38:35Oh, my God, I can't do it.
38:37Oh, bruv.
38:42Look at that.
38:44David Attenborough, you can suck it.
38:46Look at that, bruv.
38:47Now, now, let's give her a little clean.
38:53Cover your ears.
38:54It's bang time.
38:55OK, here we go.
38:57Oh, my God.
39:00There we go.
39:01That was science today.
39:03Today.
39:04Whoo!
39:05Goodbye, everyone.
39:06Science.
39:07Science.
39:08Science.
39:09Science is a shit.
39:10Science is great.
39:11My hands are in sticky.
39:12Science.
39:13Science.
39:20Dr Darce Leisvenger.
39:21Yes.
39:22I just thought she was quite a good presenter.
39:25OK.
39:26Until I just...
39:28The noise you made when you were cleaning the elephant's tusks.
39:31I didn't hear it.
39:32Well, let's have a listen.
39:33Here we go.
39:34Whoa!
39:35Whoa!
39:36Whoa!
39:39OK, I get that, yeah.
39:40Fatia.
39:41Yeah.
39:42OK.
39:43The scientist was called...
39:47I couldn't...
39:48Do you know what?
39:49As soon as I walked in, I saw the balloons on the side, I was like,
39:51oh, shit.
39:52So I couldn't really think of anything.
39:54I just wonder...
39:55Yeah.
39:56If you were a children's science presenter, OK, when you put the pin into the balloon that
40:00has a bit of water in it, you, Fatia, were genuinely amazed it had worked.
40:05You went, oh!
40:07Then you had to get back into fair character.
40:10LAUGHTER
40:12And I just wonder if, should a children's science teacher, when she sticks a pin into a balloon
40:19and she's amazed by it, should she say, David Attenborough, you could suck it?
40:23LAUGHTER
40:24Look at that bruv.
40:26LAUGHTER
40:27And I'd argue, should anyone in this country say, David Attenborough, you should suck it?
40:32LAUGHTER
40:33Look at that bruv.
40:34LAUGHTER
40:36Well, it's most authoritative delivery. She was authoritative, I think.
40:40But she was authoritative.
40:41But also with fewest mistakes, and arguably...
40:43Oh, really?
40:44..you ignored quite a bit of the mistakes.
40:46I feel that Rosie was the most accurate and authoritative, followed by Stevie,
40:52and then Matthew and Fatia and Jason, to me, were all very engaging
40:59and very interesting, but had moments of such madness...
41:03LAUGHTER
41:04..that it didn't sit within the word authoritative.
41:07LAUGHTER
41:09So you won't like it, but I'm going to give them all three points.
41:11So it's three to Fatia, three to Jason, three to Matthew, four to Stevie,
41:14and five to Rosie Ramsey, there we go!
41:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:18Can we see the scores, please?
41:20Yes, well, it is still hers to lose.
41:22Stevie's in the lead with 18 points now.
41:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:28OK, everybody, please.
41:30Uh-uh.
41:31Stay where you are for the final task of the show!
41:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:37Who's going to read the task?
41:43I think Fatia is going to read the task.
41:45Say whether the next person will have a higher or lower number
41:49of things than the previous person.
41:52The category of things will change each time.
41:55If you make two mistakes, you are eliminated.
41:58Last player standing wins.
42:00So we start with a picture of me, so it's whether the next person
42:04has more or less things than me.
42:06And Greg will tell you what the category of things is.
42:09Ready?
42:10Does the person next in line have a higher or lower shoe size than Alex?
42:19Reveal the person. Higher or lower shoe size than Alex Horne.
42:22Not many people have a higher shoe size than me.
42:25In fact, it's only, Greg.
42:27It is Rosie Ramsey.
42:28It is lower.
42:29You are all right.
42:30Yes!
42:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:32Does the person next in line have a higher or lower
42:35Wikipedia entry word count than Rosie Ramsey?
42:39They've all gone higher.
42:41All gone higher.
42:42Well, I can tell you, it is actually...
42:44It's Matthew Bainton, and it is higher.
42:45It is higher.
42:46APPLAUSE
42:48Sorry, I've broken one of my paddles.
42:52How and why did you do that?
42:54I was using them to clap.
42:56You even destroy stuff when you don't mean to.
42:59You're welcome.
43:01OK.
43:02Does the person next in line own a higher or lower number
43:05of trainers than Matthew Bainton?
43:08OK.
43:09We've got three lowers, we've got two hires.
43:11Matthew, how many pairs of trainers do you own?
43:13Five.
43:14Greg, how many do you own?
43:1616 pairs.
43:17Higher was right.
43:18We have lost a life here, here, and at the end.
43:21All the females lose a life.
43:23Has the person next in line owned a higher or lower number
43:27of dogs?
43:29Life total, please.
43:30We've gone higher, higher, lower, lower.
43:32Matt goes higher.
43:33How many dogs have you owned, Greg?
43:35Two dogs!
43:36Oh, fuck.
43:38How many dogs have you owned, Fattier?
43:41Fattier.
43:42Zero, because they stink!
43:44It's like that.
43:45That is correct.
43:46If you've gone higher, we have lost Fattier Al-Ghori.
43:48She gets one point.
43:49APPLAUSE
43:50Does the person next in line have a higher or lower number
43:55of nieces than Fattier Al-Ghori?
43:58She's got family.
44:00Well, I have six nieces.
44:04Fattier?
44:05Sixteen.
44:06They're all correct.
44:07They all stay in.
44:08All good.
44:09It's going to be a big wedding, Greg.
44:10Have you got the dollars?
44:11LAUGHTER
44:12I have.
44:13Does the next person in line have a lucky number that is higher
44:18or lower than Alex Horne?
44:21Yeah.
44:22Can I ask what the logic is?
44:24I just think he's got a very obtuse, annoying...
44:26Yeah.
44:27Like, 734.
44:28Exactly.
44:29He's not going to just choose six like a normal person.
44:32LAUGHTER
44:33Well, let's find out.
44:34Jason, you've gone higher, and you are the next person.
44:37What is your lucky number, Jason?
44:38Eleven.
44:39Perfectly normal.
44:40My lucky number is...
44:42One.
44:44Whoa!
44:45No!
44:46It's a trillion!
44:47It's a trillion!
44:48We've lost Jason Manzoukas.
44:49He comes fourth.
44:50I knew it.
44:51Has the person next in line visited a higher or lower number
44:53of countries this year than Jason Manzoukas?
44:55Americans don't usually leave America.
44:56Yeah, but he's a famous man.
44:57Yeah, he is.
44:58And here he is in Britain.
44:59LAUGHTER
45:00Well, the next person, it's interesting.
45:01A DJ?
45:02It's only Greg Davis.
45:03Jason, how many countries have you visited this year?
45:05I believe it's five.
45:06Is it higher or lower?
45:07A DJ?
45:08A DJ?
45:09It's only Greg Davis.
45:10Jason, how many countries have you visited this year?
45:11I believe it's five.
45:12Is it higher or lower?
45:13A DJ?
45:14A DJ?
45:15A DJ?
45:16A DJ?
45:17Is it higher or lower?
45:18It's two, actually.
45:19It's lower.
45:20We've lost Rosie Ramsey.
45:21Oh!
45:22APPLAUSE
45:24It's Matthew versus Stevie.
45:26Has the person next in line run a higher or lower distance
45:30ever in their life than Greg Davis?
45:32LAUGHTER
45:35It's this person.
45:36Stevie?
45:37Oh!
45:38What's the highest distance you've ever run in one go?
45:4010K.
45:41I tried to run a mile once...
45:43LAUGHTER
45:45The man in the park said...
45:47We've been talking.
45:48We don't think you should run any more.
45:50LAUGHTER
45:52Well, this is the final one.
45:53It could, of course, be a draw if you both get this right or wrong.
45:56Has the person next in line failed a higher or lower number
45:59of driving tests than Stevie Martin?
46:03Lower? Higher?
46:04It's you, Matthew.
46:05How many of you failed?
46:06One.
46:07How many of you failed?
46:08None.
46:09We have a winner.
46:10It's Stevie Martin!
46:14Stevie Martin wins.
46:16We'll add that to the final scores.
46:18We'll see you back down there.
46:25She's done very badly in almost every episode.
46:27Oh, my God.
46:28She's been rubbish.
46:30But in this particular episode, she has got a grand total of 23 points.
46:35She's won the episode.
46:36It's Stevie Martin!
46:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:41Stevie is today's winner.
46:43Please bowl up to the stage to behold your Warren Belongue!
46:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:49Right, it's just two episodes to go, but for now, it's tonight's winner.
46:53She's done it!
46:54Stevie Martin!
46:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:23LAUGHTER
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