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00:00This was a mistake
00:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:37Hello! Hello, Uncle Davis. Welcome to Taskmaster.
00:41There's a famous Shakespearean idiom which simply states,
00:45Brevity is the soul of wit.
00:47But I'm taking advice from you, am I?
00:49A man who wears a giant detachable collar, doubt it.
00:52I've heard you didn't even write your plays, Shakey.
00:54Swear down. Give me advice about what's funny.
00:57I'm sitting down in London with a big cogpie sticking out of your leggings
01:00and I'm listening to you about the introduction to a comedy show, am I?
01:04Wouldn't have thought so, Shakespeare!
01:06What should I do? Just come on and say,
01:09Forsooth or something?
01:11That's proper put me in a bad mood, that has.
01:14Going bald and then growing your hair long anyway?
01:17Now you're lecturing me about introductions?
01:20That's proper put me in a bad mood, that has, Shakey.
01:24So...
01:27..good luck to our contestants.
01:29They are...
01:31..Fatih El Ghori!
01:34Jason Mandzuka!
01:37Matthew Bainton!
01:39Rosie Ramsey!
01:42And Steedy Martin!
01:46And next to me, a man who told me in private
01:49that he once ran his fingers over the seat of a chair
01:52and someone told him Princess Anna sat on it.
01:57Peter Llywelyn Torn!
02:02You've been amazing, Rosie. Take it away, mate.
02:05This is your chat section, it's all yours.
02:07Yeah, and I'm glad you call me mate cos we are mates and we hang out.
02:10And what do we do when we hang out?
02:12We...
02:13..do...
02:14..word...
02:15..searches.
02:17We always do our word searches, don't we?
02:19So I've got one for you, Greg.
02:21Can you spot five words, Greg?
02:23Have a look at the word search. Five words.
02:25I love a word search. What can you see, Greg? Five words there.
02:28Yeah, I can see Greg. Greg. I see Greg run a lot.
02:30It says,
02:31Alex is cool guy. Am I right?
02:34Alex is cool...
02:37Let's start the show.
02:39Let's start the show.
02:40Let's move on to the prize task.
02:42OK, here we go, then.
02:43And this week, we're both interested
02:45because they've been asked to bring in the best thing
02:48for a middle-aged man to keep on his bedside table.
02:53As always, five points for the best thing.
02:55At the end of the show, five things for a middle-aged man
02:57could well go home with a young-aged woman.
02:59But which thing will Greg like best?
03:01Guys, it's time to find out.
03:03Hello, Rosie. Hello.
03:04What have you imagined?
03:08I've got two children. I've got two boys.
03:10OK. I adore them.
03:11They are literally my entire world.
03:14One day, they're going to grow up...
03:17..and they're not going to want anything to do with me.
03:19Oh.
03:22So I just thought, if there was a picture of me
03:24on the side of their bed... Yeah.
03:26..that they could just go,
03:27oh, I'll text it at the day.
03:28Just that. I don't want anything more than that.
03:30You want a constant reminder to yourself...
03:34No, not constant. ..on their bed.
03:36No, listen. No, no, no.
03:38Right, listen, look, look at the...
03:40It's not constant, cos, look, I put a little...
03:48You put a... You put a sex curtain on your mum's...
03:51I put a sex curtain!
03:54Are your kids partners in middle age?
03:57Oh, they won't have partners. Are you kidding?
04:01My sons are doomed!
04:04I'm not that bad.
04:05And I think that's the intention of this device.
04:08Mums are always watching.
04:11Who's next? Matt Bainton next. Matt, Matthew.
04:13I think the best thing for a middle-aged man
04:16to have on his bedside table is a book of poetry.
04:20Devotions by Mary Oliver.
04:22On a pretentious easel.
04:26There's something about middle age.
04:30Your back hurts.
04:32Your children don't respect you.
04:35Your partner even less so.
04:37Do you need your mum? Whatever humble achievement...
04:39LAUGHTER
04:46So, so far...
04:48So, this hypothetical middle-aged man...
04:51OK. ..he reaches over, he opens the book, he reads a poem
04:55and something speaks to his heart and his heart opens
05:00and there's a little bit more magic in his world.
05:04Are they uplifting? Are the poems uplifting?
05:06Really uplifting. Can you name some of her poems?
05:08One that springs to mind doesn't support my argument,
05:10but it's called When Death Comes.
05:17Two down. Two down. Stevie to go.
05:20So, I think that what a middle-aged man would need
05:24in his life is, like, a bit of mystery.
05:27Yeah, I agree. Like, a bit of, like,
05:29oh, hang on, what's happening there?
05:31So far, I agree. Do you agree? OK. I'll agree if you agree, yeah.
05:34So, I think if you put, like, a quill...
05:37..on your bedside table... Fuck you. ..is it amazing?
05:42She's got a quill. A quill! Yeah, there's a quill.
05:46It's a nice one.
05:48Can you just be a bit like, what's that doing there?
05:50Like, why do you need it?
05:52And it would open up a conversation that might be interesting.
05:56I've never given everyone one point before.
06:00Right, Jason. OK, so, I now cannot sleep the night through
06:04because I need to get up once or twice to go to the bathroom.
06:07I'm on three. Three? OK.
06:09So, you're just a couple of years ahead of me.
06:11And you know what? It's good to have a little flashlight,
06:14or as you call it, a torch, on your bedside table
06:16so that you can find your way to the bathroom
06:18without turning all the lights on and thus waking yourself up.
06:21Can I say, this man is speaking my language.
06:26Here's the thing. I went a little overboard.
06:29A normal flashlight has between 80 and 120 lumens.
06:33The one that I brought has 200,000 lumens.
06:37And I was told, for your safety,
06:40I could not turn it on in the studio with people in it.
06:44Your dumb health and safety said that I couldn't endanger the audience.
06:48Yeah, it is dumb. Cowards.
06:50It is dumb not to blind people on a light entertainment show.
06:53If we were in America, we could blind every single person in here
06:57for the sake of comedy, even these assholes.
07:04Here's Jason wielding the lumen monster.
07:10Oh!
07:13That is bright.
07:14It's the equivalent of 5,000 iPhone torches at once.
07:18Fatia, I dread to ask what you brought in.
07:21So, I brought an orange with the word audacity written on it.
07:26LAUGHTER
07:32Yeah.
07:33Something that middle-aged men have a massive supply of is audacity.
07:37All right? So, this is what you do.
07:39You wake up in the morning and juice it and drink that audacity
07:44so you don't inflict it on anybody else.
07:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
07:52What do you mean audacious?
07:54I'm audacious and I know what audacious means.
07:57You's lot got some fucking front.
08:01This will remind you to keep that front inside.
08:04All right?
08:06Good luck, Greg. Good luck, everyone.
08:08I guess, Greg, what is the worst thing for a middle-aged man?
08:11Worst? It's the quill.
08:13Fuck!
08:15I think this will make you feel better. I'm giving that two points.
08:18OK. What? Less than the orange?
08:21One to Stevie, two to Rosie. Great.
08:23I'm giving Matthew three points. Three for Matt, OK.
08:26The orange is so weird.
08:28LAUGHTER
08:29I think the principle of it, it's interesting that we should all,
08:32you know, just get ourselves in check sometimes.
08:34But I can't fight my instinct, which is I want the big torch, so...
08:38There we go. Five points to Joe from Manchester.
08:43OK, then, let's task.
08:45Off we go, everyone. Come on.
08:46Can somebody please hurry up and answer that smell?
08:53BELL RINGS
09:02Peek-a-boo.
09:05I'll be watching.
09:07Always watching. Bit weird.
09:10Answer the cheese phone.
09:12Cheese.
09:14I hate cheese.
09:16Every time you move, Alex will play the French horn.
09:20Where are you getting that horn from?
09:23If you choose to only use your sense of smell,
09:27Alex will not play the French horn,
09:30and your final time will be halved.
09:32Fastest wins.
09:34None of this makes sense so far. Right.
09:39Immediately confusing. Mm-hm.
09:41Are you going to use all your senses? Yeah.
09:43OK, I'm going to play the French horn when you move.
09:45OK. Can you actually play the French horn?
09:48Let's do the movement one, then.
09:50I haven't moved yet. I'm blowing it.
09:53Your head's moving.
09:57I suspect I'm more likely to succeed
10:01if, in fact, you are playing the French horn.
10:05I'm only going to use my sense of smell.
10:07I'm going to have to put a blindfold on you, earmuffs,
10:09you're going to have to suck on a sweet and you have to wear gloves.
10:11Yeah. You've got to go high-risk, high-yield.
10:16Why not? Just a sense of smell. Go with sense of smell.
10:18Shall I put this away? Yeah.
10:20That's for your sense of touch.
10:28Just suck on that and if you could read the last line of the task.
10:36Your time starts now.
10:38APPLAUSE
10:43Well, as Stevie says, you've got to go high-risk and high-yield.
10:50We're going to start with those two people at the end.
10:53It's Fatia and Jason.
10:56HORN PLAYS
11:08You're going to get an ASBO if you carry on like that.
11:10An ASBO? Yeah, an ASBO.
11:14I've found a clue. It says cheese is great.
11:17Oh, interesting. Let's go. Come on.
11:19I mean, is it possible that it's very obviously here?
11:23Hello?
11:28Oh, it must be the sneeze phone.
11:30That's the sneeze phone? Yeah, by the tissues.
11:34Hello? Do you think it's the cheese phone?
11:36It looks like the bees phone. Oh, no.
11:38You need to answer the cheese phone.
11:42There's something in here. OK.
11:44Oh, this... Hello?
11:48Who was that? The pea people.
11:50It's the cheese phone. Yeah.
11:52This appears to be the knees phone.
11:54You need to answer the cheese phone.
12:02Oh, I've lost him.
12:05Graters are usually in the cupboard.
12:07Oh, you're looking for a grater?
12:16What's that noise?
12:18What if I ring it?
12:25Hello? I have found a task.
12:27Ah.
12:29Read this out loud and in full.
12:31If you fail to read this out loud and in full,
12:33you will fail the current task.
12:35Dear Jason, congratulations.
12:37You have looked under the table and found this.
12:39A letter just for you. Who has no weakness?
12:41Even if you didn't have such...
12:43...truly glorious instincts... You are Jason.
12:45You are rugged, firm and unshady...
12:47...of the other contestants.
12:49I think you've got what it takes to win Taskmaster.
12:51Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
12:55Is it that?
12:57For some time now, I've wanted to talk to Greg.
12:59To really...
13:01To tell him how much I respect and admire him.
13:03...but he is not in this job.
13:05But I think you're better.
13:07I think you should be the Taskmaster.
13:09Goodbye, Alex Horne.
13:11Wow. That's huge.
13:13Can I just say that this is...
13:15Are you going to answer it?
13:17Of course I'm going to answer it when I get the cheese off it.
13:23What's in the balloon?
13:25Congratulations.
13:27You have discovered the magic moustache
13:29and must wear it until the end of the test.
13:31Don't mind if I do.
13:33Hello?
13:35Welcome to the Cheese Call Centre.
13:37I found it. Can I go now?
13:39Yeah, you can go. Thank you.
13:41You found it in the grating.
13:47Disgusting.
13:49Hello?
13:51You've reached the Cheese Call Centre.
13:53What would you like to discuss?
13:55You haven't said anything about my moustache.
13:57I got her to laugh.
14:03I find the phone puns just irritating.
14:05Did they irritate you too?
14:07Massively.
14:09What's worse than the puns
14:11is how delighted he is
14:13that he has them to say.
14:15Oh, my God. You see when he jumps on it?
14:17Oh, I'm sorry, that's the sneeze phone.
14:19What a fucking asshole.
14:27Tell me some stuff.
14:29OK, well, Fatia, not bad, Fatia.
14:3117 minutes 30.
14:33And Jason, nine minutes slower than Fatia.
14:3526...
14:37Absolutely.
14:39Nearly half an hour.
14:43OK, it's time for a break.
14:45Why not open up that language app
14:47and learn the language that you'll never use
14:49in the country you'll rarely visit?
14:51They speak English better than you do anyway.
14:53Put your phone down.
14:55And I should have practised this before.
14:57Soy todos...
14:59LAUGHTER
15:05Soy todos patéticos.
15:19Hello.
15:21Hello and welcome back to Taskmaster
15:23where there's a cheese phone ringing
15:25and the contestants need to answer it.
15:27Oh, yes.
15:29Fastest to answer wins.
15:31For a laugh, we gave them the option
15:33to have all of their senses taken away
15:35apart from smell.
15:37Nobody will go for that, we all laughed
15:39at a team drinks event at a wine bar in a city
15:41but we were so wrong.
15:43Two out of five did and those two people
15:45are Stevie and Matt.
15:47Matt in his tiny little shorts.
15:49LAUGHTER
15:53I can't smell anything apart from the sweet.
15:57HE SNIFFS
16:01There's no way it's in here, it's got to be out here.
16:03The assumption I made...
16:05Mm-hm.
16:07..which now seems foolish,
16:09is that there might be a sort of trail of smells.
16:11And now I'm beginning to think
16:13that we've just put some cheese somewhere quite far away.
16:15Mm-hm.
16:19Can it be in here?
16:23Can you smell anything?
16:25Fuck off!
16:29Oh.
16:33It's my knee.
16:35I feel like I can smell...
16:37..cheese.
16:39Oh, I can feel...
16:41I can feel vibrations!
16:43Oh, no.
16:45Fucking hell.
16:47Yeah, please be a bit careful, just don't...
16:49I'm sorry, I'm sorry, can you help?
16:51Head, yeah.
16:53I feel like I've gone further away now.
16:55And yet...
16:57..this was completely pointless over here.
16:59LAUGHTER
17:05Oh, my God, it's a girl!
17:07You're close, Matthew.
17:09Stop saying that!
17:13LAUGHTER
17:15There's just a hint of cheese in my nose.
17:17Hello?
17:19Welcome to the Cheese Call Centre.
17:21APPLAUSE
17:23It smells.
17:25I think it's the cheese phone.
17:27AUDIENCE GROANS
17:31Welcome to the Cheese Call Centre.
17:33I can't hear.
17:35No, I know, you've got the thing.
17:37You've answered the cheese phone.
17:41APPLAUSE
17:47Well, I feel a bit sorry for Stevie in that task
17:49because she was extremely efficient.
17:51Yes, she was.
17:53She smelt herself to victory quickly,
17:55but a glorious task attempt
17:57was somewhat overshadowed.
17:59LAUGHTER
18:03It was not my intention
18:05to upstage Stevie
18:07with my presumably scrotum.
18:09LAUGHTER
18:13I had fairly secure undergarments.
18:15Fairly.
18:17That's the original footage.
18:19LAUGHTER
18:23As you suspected, Stevie very fast.
18:25Six minutes, 44, and we halve that
18:27cos she only used the sense of smell,
18:29so that's three minutes, 22.
18:31APPLAUSE
18:35Matthew took longer than Fatia, 21 minutes,
18:37but he only used the sense of smell,
18:39so his time is halved, so it's ten minutes and a half.
18:41You're now in second place, Matthew.
18:43So it was worth it.
18:45APPLAUSE
18:47Finally, it's self-confessed cheese hater,
18:49Rosie Ramsey.
18:51SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
18:53Shh, shh, shh.
18:55There's a bit of cheese. Ah.
18:57Oh, my God.
18:59These are on the wall. I saw them the other day.
19:11Cheese.
19:16This is vibrating.
19:20Oh.
19:29Hello?
19:33Rosie, you have answered the cheese phone.
19:35Congratulations. Thank you.
19:41So efficient. She must have been so fast.
19:43I mean, yes. Wasn't she quick and fast?
19:45Sorry, what I mean is, didn't we make her look quick and fast?
19:48Here's a little bit more detail for this.
19:54What's a cheese phone look like?
19:58It's ringing. Hello, Rosie speaking.
20:02Hello?
20:06Hello, Rosie speaking.
20:08Hello, Rosie speaking.
20:10Oh, Jesus. No.
20:14They're just going to be sneezing again, aren't they?
20:18What if they're not? What if it's not a prank call?
20:21Hello?
20:23Oh, shut up. No, stop it.
20:25Still sneezing? Stop. I'm sneezing.
20:27Hello? Hello?
20:29Hello?
20:31I just can't leave the phone ringing.
20:33Please have mercy.
20:35Pardon?
20:37Hello? Hello?
20:39Where's the cheese phone?
20:43Hello?
20:45Hello?
20:47There's a bit of cheese.
20:49Ah.
20:51Hello?
20:55APPLAUSE
20:59That wasn't a very nice thing to do, was it?
21:01Sorry, Rosie.
21:03But, yeah, you answered the phones 22 times.
21:05Again and again and again and again.
21:09I thought... No, they're going to...
21:11They're going to say something different.
21:13In fact, they're still ringing.
21:15So, she did badly is the headline, is it?
21:17She did do badly, but not as badly as Jason.
21:1924 minutes 22.
21:21Well done.
21:23That meant that Stevie Martin got the full five points.
21:25APPLAUSE
21:27Four to Matthew, three to Fatia,
21:29two to Rosie and one to Jason.
21:31Scoreboard, is it?
21:33OK, well, joint winners at the moment,
21:35Fatia and Matthew,
21:37on seven points.
21:39APPLAUSE
21:43Loads of another task, please, Alex.
21:45Yes, now, and this is not a euphemism,
21:47it's time for me to show you my ruined abbey.
21:49LAUGHTER
21:51MUSIC
22:05You all right?
22:07It's not bad.
22:09This is for you.
22:11What is happening here?
22:13It's terrifying, isn't it?
22:15It is very terrifying.
22:17Hi, guys.
22:19Don't mind me.
22:21Are they saying Matthew?
22:23Matthew.
22:25Imagine this is what your house is like.
22:27Empty.
22:31What the fuck, man?
22:33That one's a monster.
22:35LAUGHTER
22:37Move the most cushions from one bin to the other bin.
22:43Without Alex correctly seeing what colour cape you're wearing.
22:47You must be wearing a cape
22:49on the outside of your clothes throughout.
22:51Choice of capes over there, five colours.
22:53Yes.
22:55And just to say, you must be wearing it correctly.
22:57Yeah. There's no funny business there.
22:59I should hope not.
23:01You may not move the bins.
23:03If a cushion touches the ground,
23:05the task is over.
23:07Alex will alternately open, then shut his eyes
23:09for as many seconds
23:11as there are letters
23:13in each of the words in this task.
23:15OK.
23:17I'm going to be still on that spot,
23:19watching through the windows.
23:21I will blow the whistle for closed.
23:23I'll blow the whistle when I open.
23:25You've got to try to nip across
23:27between the blasts of the whistle.
23:29So it starts with move the most cushions.
23:31Open for move.
23:33Open for the.
23:35Shut for four seconds for most.
23:37Open for eight seconds with cushions.
23:39Everything all right?
23:41You're mad.
23:45You have six minutes.
23:47Your time starts when Alex blows his whistle.
23:49OK, and I'm assuming the capes
23:51are just, like, on so much bird shit.
23:53And geese and dogs.
23:55I don't like these things, bro.
23:57Three ducks, right.
23:59APPLAUSE
24:05OK, can I say what you just whispered to me
24:07when you made the mean thing to Alex?
24:09Oh, yeah.
24:11You know when Rosie went,
24:13this reminds me of your house, empty.
24:15We all sort of went, ooh, that's a bit mean.
24:17Rosie looked at me and went, I was on my period.
24:19LAUGHTER
24:21I quite like his jokes and stuff,
24:23but that day I was like, no.
24:25Shut up. Shut up with the puns.
24:27I was going to say, yeah.
24:29Here we go. First up, uh-oh, here come the girls.
24:31It's Fatia, Rosie and Stevie together.
24:35I'm going to go green.
24:37It's my favourite colour.
24:39Are you ready?
24:41Yeah.
24:43WHISTLE BLOWS
24:47WHISTLE BLOWS
24:49WHISTLE BLOWS
24:51WHISTLE BLOWS
24:55WHISTLE BLOWS
24:57WHISTLE BLOWS
25:01WHISTLE BLOWS
25:03WHISTLE BLOWS
25:09WHISTLE BLOWS
25:11Oh, fuck!
25:13You are wearing a green coat.
25:15The task is over.
25:17LAUGHTER
25:21WHISTLE BLOWS
25:27WHISTLE BLOWS
25:39I fell over.
25:41Did you? Are you hurt?
25:43No, I'm fine. Did you not hear me?
25:45I heard you, yes.
25:47WHISTLE BLOWS
25:49WHISTLE BLOWS
25:53WHISTLE BLOWS
25:59Fatia? Yeah?
26:01You're wearing a green cape.
26:03You got so far.
26:05I did get far.
26:07How many cushions have you got? Four.
26:09Oh, it would have been lovely if you got them in the bin.
26:11Are you taking the mic?
26:13I'm not happy.
26:15OK, thank you, Fatia.
26:17Oh, bruv, go away!
26:19Oh, my God!
26:21APPLAUSE
26:25Well, failure all round.
26:27At least we all got to hear Fatia call a duck bruv.
26:31LAUGHTER
26:35Stevie, you just judged the gap wrong,
26:37but you were such a sneaky sneaker up to that point.
26:39I was really sneaky and then I went across the main one like this.
26:41LAUGHTER
26:45A different sort of sneaking style, I noticed.
26:47You were very static and serene.
26:49Yeah.
26:51Even when you failed, you didn't move.
26:53It's almost... Yeah.
26:55It's almost as if you don't care about anything.
26:57LAUGHTER
26:59She cared, she cared. Did you care about this one?
27:01I did. I was very upset.
27:03I asked to see the director and you said no.
27:05LAUGHTER
27:07Rosie, ambitious with the amount of cushions you went for.
27:09Yeah.
27:11And then, my God...
27:13Those cushions saved my life.
27:17And I had a bruise a few...
27:19I wanted to send you it, but I thought,
27:21he's married, I can't send him, like, a picture of my crotch.
27:23No, it's fine.
27:25LAUGHTER
27:27APPLAUSE
27:31Right, time to stop for another break.
27:33We've reached the halfway point,
27:35or as Alex calls it, his Biffins Bridge.
27:37We'll see you in a minute.
27:39APPLAUSE
27:44APPLAUSE
27:49Hello!
27:51It's part three of Taskmaster
27:53and there's a cape-wearing, cushion-carrying,
27:55bin-filling task underway.
27:57Now, for two guys that are more than used to wearing capes,
28:00it's Matt and Jason.
28:02Three, two, one.
28:05WHISTLE BLOWS
28:09WHISTLE BLOWS
28:13WHISTLE BLOWS
28:20LAUGHTER
28:23WHISTLE BLOWS
28:26WHISTLE BLOWS
28:38WHISTLE BLOWS
28:41WHISTLE BLOWS
28:46WHISTLE BLOWS
28:50WHISTLE BLOWS
28:52If a cushion touches the ground, touches the ground,
28:54if a cushion touches the ground,
28:56the task is over.
28:58That didn't work.
29:00WHISTLE BLOWS
29:04LAUGHTER
29:06WHISTLE BLOWS
29:08LAUGHTER
29:10WHISTLE BLOWS
29:17WHISTLE BLOWS
29:20WHISTLE BLOWS
29:24LAUGHTER
29:26APPLAUSE
29:32WHISTLE BLOWS
29:35WHISTLE BLOWS
29:38LAUGHTER
29:40Jason? Yes, Alex?
29:42You're wearing a blue cape.
29:44SIGHS
29:46I had plans. Yes.
29:48I had plans and then I abandoned them.
29:50Right.
29:54MUSIC PLAYS
29:58LAUGHTER
30:00WHISTLE BLOWS
30:02WHISTLE BLOWS
30:06APPLAUSE
30:10I've done it.
30:14Wow.
30:16What a mystical technique.
30:18Brilliant.
30:20I think this marks a real turning point for you.
30:22In his life. Yeah.
30:24LAUGHTER
30:26Jason, I thought you'd nailed it as well.
30:28This one made me furious afterwards.
30:31I knew that if I'd just followed through
30:33on my initial idea, that it would have worked.
30:35Yeah. And I just talked myself out of it.
30:37Yeah. Ah, well.
30:39You did really badly. I did.
30:41I did quite poorly.
30:43Unlike Matthew, who didn't touch the floor with his cushions,
30:45I didn't catch sight of the colour of the cape,
30:47which is why it's so sad
30:49that I do have one more video
30:51to show you.
30:53No!
30:55Oh, God. Hang on, those are the only two
30:57possible infringements. Well, we're either going to see
30:59the full testicles or we're going to see the full testicles.
31:01Good luck.
31:03You may not move the bins...
31:05WHISTLE BLOWS
31:09You may not...
31:11Oh!
31:13WHISTLE BLOWS
31:15You moved the bins one metre for no reason.
31:17LAUGHTER
31:23That's the one task I was sure I'd done well.
31:25Oh!
31:27Aw!
31:29Took you ages to get there, as well. You really...
31:31Also, my back, if you'd see, I was, like, grazed.
31:33Yeah, yeah.
31:35Aw, he grazed his little back.
31:37LAUGHTER
31:47Does anyone win?
31:49None of them got any points at all. They were all disqualified.
31:51Right, so let's dust ourselves off and move on.
31:53What's next?
31:55I've got some pretty prompt painting now,
31:57so, er, good luck, everyone.
32:17Wow.
32:19You like that? Of course I like that.
32:21Is my blood still on these curtains?
32:23Yeah, couldn't get it out.
32:25This caravan should get tested.
32:27LAUGHTER
32:35When do you guys ever have fun?
32:37Have you ever had fun with Greg?
32:39Not... Yep, that's the answer. Thank you.
32:41You may only enter the lab
32:43when there are 30 seconds left in the task.
32:45You have 15 minutes.
32:47Your time starts now.
32:49How are your painting skills?
32:51Very good.
32:53I painted my whole room when I was a teenager
32:55in Batman style.
32:57My mum was very upset
32:59cos the ceiling was black.
33:01And the floor was black
33:03and then the walls were yellow.
33:05And I had all this Batman memorabilia
33:07and then one time we had a guest and my mum,
33:09we were short of cups, so she made me open the memorabilia
33:11and give my Batman cup to one of the people.
33:13I'll never forgive her.
33:15When are you going to start painting, Betty?
33:17No!
33:19APPLAUSE
33:23What's this conversation you had with Jason
33:25about us not having fun? Well, we've had fun.
33:27We did have fun. We'd been camping, remember?
33:29We went camping together, I remember that.
33:31We'd been camping together. What happened on the camping trip?
33:33We can't remember. Correct.
33:35We arrived, we pitched our tents
33:37and within ten minutes, we were so drunk,
33:39neither of us remember the trip.
33:41Shall we just have a little chat
33:43about the Batman room? Yeah.
33:45It was ages ago when I was, like, 18 or something.
33:4718?
33:51Other people had boyfriends and I had Batman.
33:53What?
33:55So, I want to see some speedy portraits,
33:57is what I want to see. Of course you do.
33:59First, let's see what three of them did
34:01and their names are Matt, Jason and Stevie.
34:03I'm going to go to the lab
34:05and see if I can get the canvas out.
34:07Right. Are you going to run again?
34:09Yeah. I'm going to see how this works.
34:11Sure. And then I'm going to assess.
34:15Got it.
34:21And that's the canvas.
34:23That's the canvas. Can I squeeze?
34:27OK.
34:31I hit the blinds.
34:33Um, shall I stop?
34:35Well, there's not much point in stopping. OK.
34:37There we go.
34:39Is this set up for something?
34:41No.
34:43Get out of my way!
34:45What is this thing?
34:47It's a telestop makestand.
34:49Right.
34:51Oh, boy.
34:57Realistically,
34:59I don't think that's the best feeling.
35:01Alex, what do you and Greg
35:03like to do for fun?
35:05We went camping once. Yeah?
35:07Look out!
35:09OK.
35:15All of that build-up
35:17and now so quiet and delicate,
35:19so small.
35:21Look out!
35:25Actually...
35:35Should have done this from the beginning.
35:37Should have done this from the beginning, huh?
35:41Hi, Stevie.
35:47Yeah.
35:53You're allowed in in 55 seconds.
35:57Very nice.
35:59I realise I didn't give Alex his little legs.
36:07OK.
36:09Three, two, one.
36:15You're allowed into the lab.
36:17Oh, great.
36:19Give me the pen, then!
36:25Thank you, Matthew.
36:37APPLAUSE
36:41Stevie. Oh.
36:43What was with the throwing a duck at the camera?
36:45Right, I don't know! I don't know.
36:47Oh! Potato print painting.
36:51Potato prints. You know when you do the...
36:53And you go... I was like, I'll do that with the stomach.
36:55And you thought you wouldn't go...
36:57And it would be a picture of me and Alex.
36:59If I did it once, then I could go and get more ducks
37:01and then I could make, like, a pattern.
37:03Fascinating.
37:05I have a rage to you that I really enjoy.
37:07Not even inner.
37:09I mean, you're like an actual madman.
37:13I vowed at the beginning
37:15that I would destroy that house
37:17and every task was an opportunity.
37:19Well, let's see the fruits of their labour.
37:21That's L-A-B-O-U-R, Jason.
37:23Here is...
37:27Matt's effort. Remember?
37:29Oh, wow!
37:31That's what happens!
37:33That's a camping trip.
37:35I knew we were wearing top hats.
37:39It should come back to me.
37:43You compare that to Stevie's effort.
37:45Yes, please.
37:49That's 15 seconds.
37:51Also, I did some facial hair.
37:53I don't know who for.
37:55I'm on the left, you said, so I'm slightly bigger than Greg in the end.
37:57Yes, because you were closer in the fun.
37:59And I've got the...
38:01The big, long, angular tongue.
38:05OK, and then Jason ended up doing this.
38:09You said there's Greg with the strong legs,
38:11Alex with the clipboard and Greg with the big dick.
38:15What could be more fun?
38:17OK, let's stop for the last break.
38:19In a few minutes, one of them will be on stage
38:21triumphantly lifting an orange above their head
38:23with all of their friends and family watching.
38:25Horrible proof that winning isn't everything.
38:27We'll see you in a minute.
38:31APPLAUSE
38:39Hello.
38:41Welcome back to the final part of the show
38:43and our speedy art challenge.
38:45Now for Rosie Rambeau and Fatia El Gambo.
38:49OK.
38:51I've got an idea.
38:53Oh. This is you painting, is it?
38:55Yeah. It's a frolicking.
38:57Ah, frolicking is fun.
38:59Everybody likes the beach, right?
39:01Mm-hm. So let's go to the beach.
39:03This is going to come out so good, yeah.
39:05Even what's-his-name, Van Gogh,
39:07is going to call me and go,
39:09Fatia, come and work with me in the lab.
39:11Do you like golf?
39:13Of course I like golf. Do you like golf?
39:15I'll put some golf clubs here.
39:17Bang.
39:19And then I'm going to do one last thing.
39:21Look at that.
39:23How skill is that?
39:25You've got to be at the lab in one minute.
39:27Gosh, OK.
39:29We can probably make our way down the corridor quite soon.
39:31All right.
39:33WHISTLE BLOWS
39:35You've got 30 seconds, Rosie.
39:41Ten seconds.
39:45APPLAUSE
39:47That's not that bad.
39:53What's wrong?
39:55Look at that.
39:57It's dripping. Are we fine with that?
39:59Of course we're fine with that.
40:01That's cos it's hot. Climate change, innit?
40:03This is a topical piece.
40:05OK.
40:07It could have gone worse.
40:09A lot worse. Thanks, Rosie.
40:11Bye-bye.
40:13Oh!
40:15Oh!
40:17Bye-bye.
40:19Oh!
40:21Oh!
40:23Oh!
40:25LAUGHTER
40:29Oh!
40:31Oh!
40:37You bastard!
40:39Bye, Rosie.
40:41No!
40:43APPLAUSE
40:45APPLAUSE
40:49I was sort of horrified by how hilarious Alex was finding your...
40:53LAUGHTER
40:55And then Alex pointed out during that
40:57that the camera is really shaking.
40:59It's because the cameraman was laughing.
41:01LAUGHTER
41:03We were so impressed by the picture.
41:05It was a release of emotions. Incredible.
41:07LAUGHTER
41:09Who would have thought that Fatih would have made
41:11such a powerful statement about the climate crisis?
41:13It's pretty strong. This is the final image.
41:15There's something there, isn't there?
41:17There is. Talk us through it, Fatih.
41:19So yous are at the beach, all right?
41:21We both are, yeah. That yellow thing is the sun.
41:23The blue things are the birds.
41:25Yeah. I gave you hair.
41:27Look, people... What do you mean, you gave me hair?
41:29Why are you saying that? No, I mean...
41:31LAUGHTER
41:33OK, well, here is Rosie's
41:35before.
41:37Lovely. Oh, you're so good.
41:39And then a few seconds after...
41:41Not that.
41:43I think it's better. It's quite dark, isn't it?
41:45Alex has sort of shown his satanic side.
41:47LAUGHTER
41:49He's been revealed for the monster he is.
41:51LAUGHTER
41:53Well, look, I'm going to put them all up, Greg,
41:55and you can judge them.
41:57I gave you hair.
41:59I gave you a hat.
42:01I gave you a big dick.
42:03LAUGHTER
42:05APPLAUSE
42:07APPLAUSE
42:09APPLAUSE
42:13And a clipboard. Don't mind that.
42:15And a clipboard.
42:17All right, then, I'll judge them as works of art.
42:19Yes, please. Jason, one point.
42:21Damn!
42:23Stevie the duck thrower, two points.
42:25Two points to Stevie, got it.
42:27Three points to Rosie. Good stuff, OK.
42:29Four points to Fatia.
42:31I know what it's like to have fun
42:33with Alex Horne,
42:35and I do it in a tent with a top hat on.
42:37LAUGHTER
42:39APPLAUSE
42:45Please make your way to the stage
42:47for the final task of the show!
42:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:55What's up, sweet cheeks?
42:57Thank you. Well, it's just a lovely family photo.
42:59Oh, that is nice.
43:01Matt is going to read out the task.
43:03Good luck, Matthew.
43:05Ask teams to obey Greg's previous order.
43:09If you hesitate, your team loses the round.
43:11Highest score after five rounds wins.
43:15I'm going to unpick this for everybody.
43:17Greg has some instructions.
43:19The instruction will be for the person standing up
43:21and they must do the thing to the person sitting down.
43:23If it was, hit him, don't do it,
43:25then the next one, kick him,
43:27then you hit him. Hit him.
43:29Why are you moving your foot? I hit him.
43:31LAUGHTER
43:33There are five rounds.
43:35There's one point per each round.
43:37This team is kicking things off.
43:39Good luck.
43:41Spin them.
43:45Pat them.
43:47Tickle them.
43:49Smell them.
43:53Spin them.
43:55Flick them.
43:57Chive them.
43:59Shake them.
44:01Flick.
44:03That was not a chive.
44:05That was a flick.
44:07You don't chive with a flick, young lady.
44:09I'm so sorry.
44:11The team of three have one point.
44:13That's how the game works. Please rotate.
44:15APPLAUSE
44:21OK, this time the team of three are starting.
44:23That's you, Rosie, starting. OK.
44:25Here we go.
44:27Tickle them.
44:29No.
44:31LAUGHTER
44:33APPLAUSE
44:43I was so sorry.
44:45One all. We're starting with a team of two this time.
44:47Yeah. OK, here we go.
44:49Chive them.
44:51Smell them.
44:53Blow them.
44:55WHISTLE BLOWS
44:57Well, they both did it wrong.
44:59It was their turn.
45:01It was their turn.
45:03You did it when you weren't supposed to, you didn't do it when you were supposed to.
45:05LAUGHTER
45:07Neither of you get any points for that.
45:09Team of three are starting.
45:11Come on, everyone.
45:13Tickle them.
45:15Tickle them.
45:17Blow them.
45:19Pat them.
45:21Shake them.
45:23Smell them.
45:25Flick them.
45:27Smell.
45:29You should have smelled, Matt.
45:31That's another point to the team of two.
45:33APPLAUSE
45:35Here we go, final round.
45:37Here we go.
45:39Tickle them.
45:41Smell them.
45:43Blow them.
45:45You were supposed to do the previous instruction.
45:47It means it's three ones for team of three.
45:49APPLAUSE
45:54Well, with that, there's your final scores.
45:56Come down and join me!
45:58APPLAUSE
46:03So, the team of two won three points in that.
46:06The team of three won one point each,
46:09which means the final scores...
46:11He's only gone and done it again.
46:13He's on for the clean sweep.
46:15So, Matthew Bainton's the winner once more!
46:17APPLAUSE
46:19Matthew wins!
46:22Please come down and give a round of applause
46:24to Marvel at Your Middle-Aged Man, Memorabilia!
46:27APPLAUSE
46:32So, what have we learned today?
46:34We've learned so many things in this episode,
46:36so many things have happened,
46:38and yet every single person watching this show tonight
46:41will remember just one thing.
46:43LAUGHTER
46:45This.
46:47APPLAUSE
46:51Here he is, your winner once more, Matthew Bainton!
46:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE