Taskmaster - S19 E05 - Maybe Were the Monsters
Taskmaster - S19 E06 >>> https://dai.ly/x9kvpky
Taskmaster - S19 E06 >>> https://dai.ly/x9kvpky
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00This was a mistake!
00:04Shut up!
00:05Button?
00:14You're mad.
00:16Wow.
00:30APPLAUSE
00:34Yes, hello. Hello, thank you.
00:37Welcome one and all to Taskmaster,
00:40one of the many TV shows that my own nieces don't watch.
00:44And yet, am I expected to display your school photos in my home?
00:49I doubt it!
00:51They've gone in the drawer with years' worth of your rubbish artwork.
00:55I know you'll never hear this, but it's enough for me to know
00:59that I've said it on TV.
01:01Quid pro quo, you monsters!
01:03Quid pro quo!
01:07Moving along.
01:08Please welcome to the show Fatia El Ghori!
01:13Jason Mandzuka!
01:16Matthew Bainter!
01:19Rosie Ramsey!
01:21And Stevie Martin!
01:24And next to me, a man who drives an electric car,
01:30and to quote him,
01:32not for the good of the planet,
01:34but because it makes my wife horny.
01:36LAUGHTER
01:38It's little Alex Horne!
01:40APPLAUSE
01:44What's happening, sweet prince?
01:46I'm...
01:47I'm trying...
01:48I'm trying to be brave for you, Greg.
01:50Mm.
01:51You know I struggle with accents.
01:52Oh, yeah.
01:53I can't do them.
01:54Well, I can do them now.
01:55I've had lessons.
01:56OK.
01:57So I'd like to demonstrate my new grasp of accents.
01:59Are you ready?
02:00Yeah, I'm ready for the joke that you cooked up six minutes ago.
02:03I'm going to start with Beyonce.
02:05Ready?
02:06OK.
02:07There's one on the E.
02:09LAUGHTER
02:11And now I'm going to do the Quebec accent.
02:14It's on the first E.
02:16I'm now going to do the Oslo accent.
02:20Good morning.
02:22I am from Oslo.
02:24Norway.
02:25APPLAUSE
02:27Let's get on with the price task.
02:32Right.
02:33Yes.
02:34I'm going to get on, Greg.
02:36And this time you've asked him to bring in the best object
02:39to bestow in your will to a relative against whom you are seeking revenge.
02:43LAUGHTER
02:44We've all thought about it.
02:45We all want revenge.
02:46And I shall have my revenge.
02:48The object Greg thinks is best to bestow will be gifted five points
02:52and the winner of the episode will have to update their will
02:54with five new objects.
02:56Back to you, my sweet little Greg Forrest Gatto.
02:59LAUGHTER
03:01Matthew, what have you bought me to take revenge on a relative?
03:05I've brought a thousand-piece jigsaw of the Mona Lisa.
03:09Oh.
03:10You've got this in your will.
03:11I'd quite like that.
03:12I think quite a lot of nerds would like that, so...
03:15LAUGHTER
03:16Well, this relative is not a nerd.
03:18Interestingly, you have, in your mind, picked a specific relative.
03:22LAUGHTER
03:23Did we not all...?
03:25LAUGHTER
03:26Let's call him Terry.
03:28LAUGHTER
03:30So, every time Terry comes over, I've got a jigsaw on the go,
03:35and Terry begins to get the impression that I'm really into jigsaws.
03:38Right.
03:39So, when I leave the Mona Lisa in my will, Terry's going to think,
03:44I guess I'd better do it in his memory.
03:47And then, how disappointed they would be...
03:50LAUGHTER
03:51..when they find...
03:53APPLAUSE
03:55This is a piece that Matthew is going to be buried with.
03:58LAUGHTER
04:00So genuinely fiendish, Matthew.
04:03LAUGHTER
04:04Rosie.
04:05I have brought used coffee bean granules
04:08in the shape of a delicious chocolate brownie.
04:12Oh, God, OK.
04:13Here it is.
04:14LAUGHTER
04:15What I'm going to do, every time they come round,
04:18I'm going to be making chocolate brownies.
04:20I'm going to make them the most delicious chocolate brownies
04:22that they've ever had in their life.
04:24And then, when I die, I'm going to get my coffee granules
04:27and I'm going to leave it with a note for them saying,
04:30one last time.
04:31LAUGHTER
04:33Then it'll be disgusting.
04:35And they'll never forget it.
04:36Great.
04:37I mean, that would be absolutely horrific.
04:39Jason, what are you planning to do
04:41to your most dislikeable relative?
04:43OK.
04:44So, I collect a lot of art, right?
04:48Right.
04:49But not, like, good art.
04:50A lot of weird stuff.
04:52So, here's the thing.
04:53There are times when I am up late at night
04:56going on websites to buy random paintings, OK?
05:00OK.
05:01I do not remember purchasing this painting,
05:03but it arrived at my house.
05:05Imagine my surprise.
05:07Here it is.
05:08LAUGHTER
05:11Is this not the most haunted thing you've ever seen?
05:15I hate it.
05:17Yes.
05:18I don't care for it either.
05:20This task allows me an opportunity to offload this nightmare.
05:24I'm so sorry for whoever gets it.
05:27Wow.
05:28I mean, it is...
05:29God-awful.
05:30Yeah.
05:31Stevie, can you beat the disembodied floating heads of children?
05:35I think it is quite root one, but I wouldn't like this.
05:37So, it's like a really interesting-looking old envelope...
05:41OK.
05:42..that makes you be like, hang on, what's going on here?
05:44There's the envelope.
05:45Interesting.
05:46So, when you open it...
05:48This is what happens.
05:49A lot of glitter and it says, ha-ha, you're a twat.
05:52LAUGHTER
05:53APPLAUSE
05:55Very clever, really.
05:57You've lowered my expectations so much,
05:59but I quite liked, ha-ha, you're a twat.
06:01LAUGHTER
06:03Ah, my old friend.
06:06LAUGHTER
06:08You all right, baby?
06:09What have you brought us?
06:10Well, I mean, I dread to think what revenge you're going to take.
06:13LAUGHTER
06:14So, I brought pillows.
06:17She brought pillows, yeah.
06:19And then, but the pièce de résistance is the little note.
06:23Could you please show us the note, Alex?
06:25There's a word I didn't understand, but it says this.
06:27LAUGHTER
06:29So, let me give you the context, right?
06:31I've got an auntie who's a BITCH!
06:34LAUGHTER
06:36And basically, for three birthdays on the trot,
06:39the bitch has got me pillows.
06:41LAUGHTER
06:42Is that the one reason she's a bitch?
06:44Yeah!
06:45Because she buys you pillows?
06:46Yeah!
06:47So, she hasn't done anything?
06:48She's not been rude to you?
06:49No!
06:50She cooks the best couscous in the world,
06:52but I won't eat it.
06:53LAUGHTER
06:55The first time you got the pillows,
06:56were you happy with that?
06:57Yeah, I was happy.
06:58Right.
06:59Because I mentioned once that I need pillows.
07:00Why not?
07:01See, what's in pillows?
07:02See, what's in pillows?
07:03Yeah, but not free ties!
07:05LAUGHTER
07:06Well, this is your mistake.
07:07You should be saying in between things you like.
07:09Things that you need next year.
07:11Yeah.
07:12This year, I need a kettle.
07:13A kettle.
07:14What the hell am I, a 70-year-old woman?
07:16LAUGHTER
07:17Get ready to receive a painting, ladies.
07:21LAUGHTER
07:22Right, Greg, what is the least good revenge?
07:25I feel sorry for Stevie a little bit.
07:27Come on!
07:28LAUGHTER
07:29Oh, my pillows!
07:30It's not that bad, is it?
07:31It could be seen as just like a,
07:33ha, you twat.
07:34Love you.
07:35It's the glitter element.
07:36You've forgotten that element.
07:37Oh, God, yes.
07:38I'm sorry, five points.
07:39LAUGHTER
07:40So it's one point to Stevie.
07:42When I think about this beautiful head
07:45popping down for the night,
07:48he doesn't want to pop his head onto some coffee grounds.
07:51He wants to pop them onto some pillows.
07:53So two points for the lovely pillows.
07:54Two points for you, Fatia.
07:55And big respect to your auntie.
07:57She's going to be your auntie soon, so stop fighting her.
07:59LAUGHTER
08:01Three points for the coffee grounds for Rosie.
08:03OK, three to Rosie, thank you.
08:05And now we're up with the really sinister things.
08:08He won't like this,
08:10and it's one of the reasons I'm going to do it.
08:12I'm going to give you both five points.
08:13Yes!
08:14OK, five to make you find a situation.
08:16APPLAUSE
08:18Let's task two right.
08:20And yes, please, Mummy, it's time to camp it up a bit.
08:23MUSIC PLAYS
08:25Wow.
08:39Hello.
08:41Hi, Stevie.
08:42Wow.
08:43You like it?
08:44I love it.
08:45It's like a spa, isn't it?
08:46Is it?
08:47A little bit.
08:48Posh one.
08:49I like this.
08:51You like grottos?
08:52Yeah.
08:53And it's great what people did before the internet.
08:55LAUGHTER
08:58Be the least annoying person round the campfire.
09:02Round the campfire.
09:04Should have had a little apostrophe before the R.
09:07Don't worry about it, I got it.
09:09OK.
09:11Be the least annoying person round the campfire.
09:14You must either sing a folk song.
09:17Tell a ghost story.
09:18Or recite a beat poem.
09:20And not be annoying.
09:23Your song, story or poem must either be about fast cars.
09:28Barbecues.
09:29Or DIY.
09:31And it can contain no more than 100 words.
09:35You must perform your song, story or poem in ten minutes from now.
09:39If I do a folk song, do I get an instrument?
09:43Yeah, I've got all the instruments.
09:45All of them?
09:46You've got a little egg?
09:47No?
09:50What's the beat poem?
10:00Is that the shit they do in America?
10:02Well, we can ask Jason.
10:03Who's Jason?
10:04He's the American on the show.
10:06Don't put that in.
10:09I think we will.
10:12I'm meant to be the least annoying.
10:14Yeah, you are supposed to be.
10:15Yeah.
10:16You brought this.
10:17Huge mistake.
10:19Um...
10:21Did you hear that?
10:22Yeah.
10:23That's a problem.
10:24The ghost of a moorhen.
10:25You've got nine minutes left, Stevie.
10:29It's not improv it.
10:30But it's got to be no more than 100 words.
10:32Oh, shit.
10:33When are you going to write the...
10:34I figured I'd freestyle it.
10:35Oh, fine.
10:36How much have you written so far, Stevie?
10:41I mean, given that the task centres around not being annoying,
10:52you calling back to a moorhen.
10:54Yeah, that wasn't...
10:55That wasn't part of the thing.
10:57And as for you, you were annoying so many times.
11:00I mean, you corrected the grammar on the task.
11:04Yeah?
11:05It doesn't look good, Jason, but let's see.
11:07Am I going first?
11:08Yes, it is first.
11:09A man whose co-stars on IMDb will soon read
11:12Keanu Reeves, Mark Wahlberg, Robert De Niro
11:14and little Alex Hornet's Jason Mandzukus.
11:23This is a folk song for you.
11:28Alex, we rode the rails together.
11:32Up and down, east and west, north and south,
11:37we did it all.
11:39From sea to sea, marsh to bog,
11:42we made sweet love on a dead mossy log.
11:48You're my best friend.
11:51And I love you with all of my heart.
11:55Alex...
11:56Will you marry me?
11:57I don't think so.
12:10What?
12:11I don't think so.
12:12Barbecue, fast cars, or DIY?
12:13Fast train cars.
12:14I said we hop trains, right?
12:15Yeah, fast train cars.
12:16Pretty sure train cars go probably faster than automobiles.
12:30Do you need it spelled out for you?
12:32It's goddamn poetry.
12:33Thank you so much, Jason.
12:34Thank you so much, Jason.
12:35Thank you, Alex.
12:36But you have broken my heart.
12:39APPLAUSE
12:42I found the following things annoying.
12:44Your smile.
12:46Your confidence, your tone of voice,
12:49the soundtrack you chose, the rhyming scheme,
12:51the mawkish insincerity, the proposal,
12:54and the smug explanation of your art.
12:58LAUGHTER
12:59And I added a footnote.
13:01It wasn't even about fast cars.
13:03It was about fucking and marrying my friend.
13:05LAUGHTER
13:07Five points.
13:09So, so far, so bad.
13:11Next up, it's...
13:14I wish I could roll my R's.
13:15It's Rosie Ramsey.
13:18You ready?
13:19I can't wait.
13:20Why do I keep dreaming
13:29Of being alone with you
13:33Having a barbecue for our team
13:37Sausage burgers halloumi
13:42We'll be on the menu
13:46Then we'll wash it all down with a Pinot Grinch
13:52It's the best way to eat
13:55Outside on a little seat
13:57Barbecuing is in my blood
14:00My dad is a barbecue stud
14:04In my town
14:07So why don't you join me
14:13Grab yourself a spewer
14:16And slide on some of those veggies
14:22APPLAUSE
14:24Yeah.
14:31Pretty impressive.
14:33Because I've got a long history of being irritated
14:35When people show us they can sing.
14:37LAUGHTER
14:38But I didn't find that irritating.
14:39I thought it was genuine.
14:40As you could tell from the studio reactions as well.
14:42All of us enjoyed it.
14:44By stark contrast to Jason's.
14:46LAUGHTER
14:48That's the first part over.
14:49Time for a little interval.
14:51But there's more camping coming up soon.
14:54Maybe sooner than you think.
14:56Oh, shut up!
14:57You shut up!
14:58APPLAUSE
15:00Hello.
15:01Welcome back to Taskmaster. It's part two and the cast are trying their best not to be annoying.
15:16Perhaps their hardest challenge yet.
15:19Quick reminder then, their song, story or poem must be no more than 100 words.
15:25And once again, it has to be no more than 100 words.
15:29LAUGHTER
15:30Here's Fatia.
15:31And Stevie.
15:32This is a true story.
15:45Once I was in Morocco, and it was Eid, right?
15:51And it was the second Eid, which is the Eid of sacrifice.
15:55So you have to slaughter an animal.
15:57So we slaughtered a goat, and a goat is my favourite meat.
16:00Do you eat meat?
16:01Yes, I eat meat.
16:02The goat is the best meat.
16:03OK.
16:04Don't you think?
16:05Yes.
16:06This is not part of the poem.
16:07It's not a poem, it's a story.
16:08A story that is not one.
16:09Am I taking out the goat stuff?
16:10No, no, not the goat.
16:11Just when I asked you if you eat meat.
16:12Right.
16:13OK.
16:14And then, this is for real, yeah, this is what happened.
16:16It was a guest at somebody's house.
16:17And it was really nice, because it's my favourite meat.
16:19Up to about 90 words, man.
16:20OK.
16:21I'm going to carry on.
16:22OK.
16:23Because I've got to finish the story.
16:24Yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:25People want to hear it.
16:26OK.
16:27And I said, no, I'm full.
16:28She goes, no, you'll really like it.
16:30And then she goes, this is the best meat.
16:32And she went like this.
16:33And the goat that they'd slaughtered had a baby inside.
16:37And that was the baby.
16:39She went like this.
16:41Like a flag.
16:42She said, do you want to eat it?
16:43And I said, no, thank you.
16:48Would you not find that scary?
16:49Yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:50Innit?
16:51So that's it?
16:52Yeah, that's it.
16:53I think I once saw a ghost at a barbecue, but I don't know, really.
17:00You saw a ghost at a barbecue?
17:01Yeah.
17:02Or maybe I didn't.
17:03Do you want a sausage?
17:04Yeah, I'd love a sausage.
17:05OK, cool.
17:06Yeah.
17:07Gonna get a sausage.
17:09Oh, my God.
17:12I see your technique.
17:19Clever.
17:21A ghost story that was neither here nor there, thrown away.
17:24Yeah.
17:25Sometimes people fall at the last hurdle, don't they?
17:27What?
17:28And that sausage song just got to me.
17:30Yeah, I'm gonna get a sausage.
17:32Yeah.
17:33I went from 0 to 100 miles an hour.
17:36OK.
17:37It was good, apart from, oh, yeah, gonna get a sausage.
17:41I can't stop singing that.
17:43That's a good song, then.
17:44I'm gonna get a sausage.
17:45If you love it, it sounds like you love it.
17:48Now, you, you monster.
17:50I mean, it's the worst thing I've ever heard in my life.
17:53Did you mistake ghost story for goat story?
17:58That's the only explanation.
18:00Cos there were no ghosts in there, were there?
18:02No.
18:03But that was the only scary thing I could think of.
18:06It's just awful.
18:08Was it annoying, though, Greg?
18:10Oh, Christ, yes!
18:12Just checking.
18:13Just checking.
18:14There's only one thing that can make me feel better
18:16and to make me forget that, and it's, oh, gonna get a sausage.
18:19Anything to make me forget her.
18:23You'll never forget me.
18:24Oh.
18:25OK, what's next?
18:27Well, finally, his walls have got paint on.
18:30His name is Matt Bainton.
18:31Here we go.
18:32All these books and I need a shelf, but the handyman is busy.
18:45Guess I'm in a pickle when it comes to all these books.
18:51We've all been there, with no one to rely on.
18:52We've all been there, we don't know what to do.
18:56Who can I get to put up my shelf?
18:57Guess I better do it well.
18:58Guess I'm in a pickle when it comes to all these books.
19:03We've all been there, with no one to rely on.
19:09We've all been there, we don't know what to do.
19:15Who can I get to put up my shelf?
19:23Guess I better do it myself.
19:27Everybody.
19:28Who can I get to put up my shelf?
19:34Guess I better do it myself.
19:45I think I know all the moments you're going to say.
19:49There was only one where the Irritatometer started to go,
19:53just only on one, and it was just your shrug.
19:55That was the only time.
19:56You're kidding.
19:57Halfway through.
19:58Even when I said everybody.
20:00Everybody.
20:01Oh, I did write everybody, Dad.
20:04I need to mention the everybody again, Greg,
20:06because Matt has been hoisted by the small print before,
20:09and the reprise prompted by everybody meant something happened.
20:14I'm going to show you the reprise again.
20:16Everybody.
20:17Who can I get to put up my shelf?
20:23Guess I better do it myself.
20:27I promise.
20:32It's exactly 101 words.
20:35Everybody.
20:37Everybody.
20:39It makes it less annoying.
20:41I mean, can you imagine writing something that enchanting
20:46and losing to Jason?
20:48So what are we going to do?
20:50We can only allow people to get points who stuck to the word count.
20:53Sausage!
20:55You do need to give points out to the other three, though.
20:58Oh, Christ.
20:59Well, this shouldn't be too hard.
21:01That means I have to give him three points.
21:04People won't take me seriously as a judge if I give you...
21:07They don't anyway!
21:09LAUGHTER
21:11For the sake of my credibility, one point.
21:14God damn it.
21:15God damn you for that shit.
21:17This is appalling treatment of a foreigner on your home.
21:23As is the British way.
21:25LAUGHTER
21:29Where are we going with the points from here?
21:31She wasn't annoying until the sausage bit at the end
21:33and I've sort of grown to like the sausage song as well.
21:35Three points.
21:36Well, if she's second, traditionally it's four in second.
21:38All right, I'm changing the system.
21:40I'm giving Jason two points.
21:42Two points to Jason.
21:43Because at least he stuck to the rules,
21:44even though I'm so annoyed with him.
21:46Four points to Stevie and obviously five points to Rosie.
21:50Well done, Rosie Ramsey!
21:51APPLAUSE
21:55Let's have a scoreboard, please.
21:56Sure.
21:57Well, Fatia is on pretty much minimum points, two.
22:00Rosie, last week's winner, is in the lead with eight points.
22:02Lovely.
22:03CHEERING
22:05One more for your taskmaster.
22:06OK, and here is an arty parked car task.
22:10Ooh.
22:11Ooh.
22:12Oh, well, you've won.
22:25Oh, I've won this?
22:26I don't want it.
22:28Please get into the vehicle.
22:29OK.
22:30I haven't passed my driving...
22:32..lessons.
22:33Test.
22:34Oh, I can see it.
22:35There's a twist.
22:36I don't know how to drive.
22:38OK.
22:39I've got road rage.
22:40Doesn't surprise me.
22:42OK.
22:43Right.
22:44Draw the monster.
22:46You must not turn around or leave the car.
22:49If you fail to honk your horn when you see a lollipop lady,
22:53you must surrender your picture for 30 seconds.
22:56Where's the horn?
22:59And that'll be obvious what a lollipop lady is.
23:02That's not a...
23:03I'm not familiar with the phrase lollipop lady.
23:06What?
23:07Most accurate monster picture wins.
23:10You have five minutes.
23:12Your time...
23:13..starts...
23:15..now.
23:17..now.
23:19I can't see the monster.
23:21You said I'm not allowed to turn around.
23:23Yeah.
23:24Oh, but I can use something else.
23:28Not just a pretty face, innit?
23:32Not just a pretty face, innit?
23:34I was really worried about Stevie's opening statement.
23:38I haven't passed my driving lessons.
23:41LAUGHTER
23:42I still haven't.
23:43Where's the horn?
23:44I don't...
23:45Yeah.
23:46Non-drivers are a bit weird, right?
23:48I don't really respect myself,
23:50and I've had a real psychological issue with not passing my test,
23:53so thanks for that.
23:54Oh!
23:55So you have tried?
23:57Oh, I've done about 150 hours,
23:59and the last lesson I had, I went through a stop sign
24:01and went around the roundabout the wrong way,
24:03and he said...
24:04You said, you cannot do this, why aren't you focusing?
24:07And I was focusing so hard,
24:09and then I started crying,
24:10and then he took me to McDonald's.
24:11LAUGHTER
24:12APPLAUSE
24:17Uncheek you're Jason.
24:18Yeah.
24:19What did you think a lollipop lady was?
24:21I genuinely had no idea.
24:22I assumed a woman selling lollipops.
24:24LAUGHTER
24:25Which I would absolutely believe
24:28is one of the bullshit things that would occur in this country.
24:31LAUGHTER
24:33Let's go.
24:34OK, so here are all five drawing a month.
24:36A monster in what I've called a monstage.
24:39LAUGHTER
24:40So is the...
24:41Can you tell me about the monster?
24:42Can you tell me anything?
24:43I've never seen the monster.
24:45That's not a lollipop.
24:47OK.
24:48Oh!
24:49Oh, a bird isn't a monster.
24:51Erm...
24:52There's more than one!
24:55Is that a monster?
24:56Hold on.
24:57How's your picture?
24:58Those are not monsters.
24:59Oh!
25:00My guess is this is a lollipop lady.
25:01Hello!
25:02Ah!
25:03That's the monster, that's the monster, that's the monster.
25:04OK, that is unequivocally a monster.
25:06What does the monster look like?
25:07Listen, shut your hole, yeah?
25:08Holy shit, why is this person coming here?
25:09Uh, are you away or parked in a no-parking zone?
25:10I'm...
25:11I have no idea.
25:12All right, well, can I see a driving license?
25:13I'd rather not, thank you.
25:14I don't have one.
25:15Oh, my guess is this is a lollipop lady.
25:16Oh, my guess is this is a lollipop lady?
25:18Hello!
25:19Ah!
25:20That's the monster, that's the monster, that's the monster.
25:21That's the monster, that's the monster.
25:22OK, that is unequivocally a monster.
25:23Shut your hole, yeah?
25:25Holy shit, why is this person coming here?
25:27Uh, are you away or parked in a no-parking zone?
25:30I'm...
25:31I have no idea.
25:32All right, well, can I see a driving license?
25:34I'd rather not, thank you.
25:35I don't have one.
25:36Oh, here's...
25:38Here's my wallet.
25:39Brilliant.
25:40That's me.
25:41Is this a recent photograph?
25:45Just...
25:46Just about a year ago.
25:49That's helpful, actually.
25:51I am still going to have to issue you a parking lot.
25:54Why, bruv?
25:55Why?
25:56Why?
25:57Why?
25:58You must turn on your hazard lights within the next 20 seconds.
26:01Or pay a fine of eight pens.
26:03OK.
26:04Oh, I know.
26:05It's this one's.
26:09How are you right?
26:10Well, we've passed the 20 seconds.
26:11What are you talking about?
26:13Eight pens, please.
26:14OK.
26:15Yeah, just let me...
26:17Oh, I'd love a lift.
26:19Come on in.
26:20Yep.
26:21Get in, buddy.
26:22Can I, um, get a lift?
26:24No, bruv.
26:25Get out.
26:26Two more pens, please.
26:27Er...
26:28It's gone.
26:30It's a lollipop monster.
26:33That is a monster who has ate a lollipop lady.
26:36OK.
26:37OK.
26:38OK.
26:39Ah!
26:40Oh, we're getting in!
26:41Why are we getting in?
26:42Why are we getting in?
26:43Why are we getting in?
26:44Why are we getting in?
26:45Hello, everyone.
26:46Oh, my God.
26:47This is Christ.
26:48Hi, guys.
26:49No.
26:50Did you turn them on?
26:51No.
26:52No.
26:53No.
26:54Hi, guys.
26:55No.
26:56Did you turn them on?
26:57No.
26:58Fairly enchanted reaction from Jason when he realised he'd seen his first lollipop lady and started excitedly beeping the horn.
27:13I was delighted that I could figure it out.
27:15Rosie, you didn't see the monster on the driving licence.
27:18I have woke up in cold sweats over this task.
27:21Oh, wow.
27:22We were the monsters, weren't we?
27:24Were we meant to just draw ourselves?
27:26Wow.
27:31That's what you've been...
27:32That's what you've been waking up in a cold sweat.
27:35I mean, of course not.
27:37Oh, OK.
27:38There was a monster there.
27:40No, what you should have been waking up...
27:43Because it was on the licence?
27:44Yes, you were the only person who saw the picture of the thing, so you could have just painted...
27:47Right.
27:48Yes.
27:49Oh.
27:50What did you think I meant?
27:51But on a deeper level, yes.
27:52Yes.
27:53It's my twist.
27:55The monster is walking around the car.
27:58This is also Taskmaster.
28:00They don't do M. Night Shyamalan-style twists.
28:03Not yet.
28:04We've been dead the whole time.
28:06What?
28:09I died in the lab on the first task?
28:13We've all given stuff away in our wills.
28:16Yes!
28:17The clues were there from the very start!
28:24Show me some pictures, young man.
28:26OK, well, I'll show you four of them.
28:27I won't show you Rosie's yet.
28:28This is the first four and the monster.
28:30You can see how well they've done.
28:32Batyr's monster hasn't got a head.
28:35Presumably that was consumed as a family meal.
28:39Only one more monster to see.
28:42So this is Rosie's picture of the monster.
28:45Sorry, did you misread the task?
28:50Was it draw the monster as if the monster had fallen off a building?
28:55I just didn't think that was the monster.
28:58And then, two weeks later, I thought I was the monster.
29:01Yeah, we know what you thought.
29:03He's quite a sassy monster, I'll give you that.
29:07Yeah.
29:08He's quite showbiz, isn't he?
29:09He's a bit...
29:10Yeah.
29:12So it is meant to be the most accurate picture of the monster.
29:15So here's all five and you can judge them.
29:17Are we saying that Rosie's is the least accurate?
29:19Seems fair.
29:21So one point to Rosie.
29:23Stevie's one looks like it's got, like, five coats on.
29:26I would have to agree with that, yeah.
29:28One and two points.
29:29Yes, so it's one point to Rosie, two to Stevie.
29:31OK, well, my instinct is that, and feel free to disagree with the logic,
29:35Fatia's monster hasn't got a head.
29:38I would probably put her in the third plane.
29:41Listen, you're getting a bit aggressive, OK?
29:44You started as a thoughtful, attentive man,
29:47and now you're becoming an arsehole.
29:49Yeah, well, isn't that the dreary safari all relationships? Go on.
29:55Three points to Fatia.
29:56So it's between Jason and Matthews.
29:58Jason has a higher number of arms, but he did get the pink wings,
30:02he got the pink and purple hair.
30:04But did he get the personality?
30:06LAUGHTER
30:08I think Jason's just tipped it, probably.
30:10There we are.
30:12Four points to Matthews. Five for Jason!
30:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
30:17OK, I'm afraid it's time for some adverts again.
30:20Alex's plastic slip-on shoes won't pay for themselves!
30:23LAUGHTER
30:24Hello! Welcome back, everybody.
30:36Next, please.
30:37Yes, it's now time for The Hat in the Lab by Dr Seuss.
30:40Here we go.
30:41Oh, hello!
30:55Mushrooms.
30:56Matthew.
30:57What...what are you doing?
30:59Cooking mushrooms.
31:00All right, let's do this.
31:10What...why have you got that on your head?
31:12You look like something out of Mario Brothers.
31:14What's going on?
31:15Mushroom hat?
31:16Yes, yes.
31:17I like mushrooms.
31:18I like mushrooms a lot.
31:19Yeah, but the only problem is there's never mushroom for anything else.
31:23That's the longest spoon I've ever seen.
31:28Yeah, I don't know where to hold it.
31:30Er, right at the end, like this.
31:31OK.
31:32And then just do this.
31:33There we go.
31:34Shorten these pencils and place your shortened pencils in the pencil case.
31:39You have five minutes.
31:40Your time started when you mention the hat.
31:42Oh, oh, well.
31:43Gordon got me chatting on.
31:45Shite.
31:46You're such a prick, bruv.
31:48I'll see you.
31:49All right, OK.
31:50You've only got three minutes.
31:51I don't know if I mentioned the hat.
31:54I've done it now, haven't I?
31:55You've got five minutes.
31:56You've got four minutes.
31:57Your time started when you mentioned the goddamn hat.
31:59Yeah, you've got two minutes, Jo.
32:00Son of a bitch.
32:02Oi, that shit stinks.
32:04What's going on?
32:05The mushrooms.
32:06All right, we have provided pencil sharpeners.
32:08Yeah, but that's quicker.
32:10Don't look.
32:11Ow!
32:12Look at that.
32:14Come on!
32:16You know what I've just thought?
32:18You don't have to make them really short.
32:20That's the best method, isn't it?
32:22Because that is technically shorter.
32:25They're shorter.
32:26They are shorter, yeah.
32:27I bet no one else is going to eat the pencil.
32:29Ow!
32:30So these are shorter, therefore I have done the task.
32:33Yeah.
32:34And I've won.
32:35Do you want me to stop the toilet?
32:37Yeah.
32:38Bye.
32:39Oh, not yet, no.
32:40Oh, right.
32:41Say bye.
32:42That one as well.
32:43Oh!
32:44Oh, shit.
32:45I really don't like you no more.
32:50Write down every word you said in this room before opening this task.
32:54Also, you must write the same number of words in each colour, otherwise your total will be halved.
33:00Most accurate legible words wins.
33:04You must not leave the lab.
33:06Your time started when you started reading this task.
33:08Oh, my God.
33:09Do you remember what you said to me?
33:11No fucking idea.
33:12Right.
33:17I mean, in many ways you've been one of the most affable group of people we've had on the show,
33:22but the naked aggression that's been shown towards Alex, I so approve of it.
33:27A book called A Prick.
33:29Early doors during that.
33:30Sorry.
33:31A son of a bitch.
33:32It's just wonderful stuff.
33:34Was this the first one we filmed?
33:35Yeah.
33:36The first one.
33:37Ah!
33:38Which means that as soon as he walked in, the first time he saw me, he threw a bottle at me.
33:41Rosie.
33:42Yeah.
33:43On reflection, would you still go with the mushroom gag or...?
33:45Never.
33:46Never.
33:47I was nervous.
33:48Just came out.
33:49Your face had it all afterwards, like...
33:52On reflection, Stevie, would you have bitten the ends off the pencils?
33:56I thought we had to make them as short as humanly possible.
33:59Which, of course, you didn't.
34:00You were just asked to shorten them.
34:02Yes, that...
34:03Yes, I misread it.
34:04You said at one point, didn't you, I bet no-one's going to bite the pencils.
34:07Yeah.
34:08Quite proudly.
34:09Yeah, well, I thought...
34:10And the whole world's like, no!
34:11Why are you doing that?
34:13Yeah.
34:14Commendably, these four knew that wasn't the task, really.
34:16It didn't say shortest or fastest.
34:18You were quite cleverly not doing what you did.
34:21Yeah.
34:22It's not been a great episode for me.
34:23No, OK.
34:24OK.
34:25First up, it's Rose Matafeo.
34:27Sorry, it's Rosie Matafeo.
34:29Here we go.
34:30Write down every word you said in this room before opening the task.
34:34I said...
34:35I said the joke.
34:37The first thing I said was mushrooms.
34:40And after that, it's going to go downhill.
34:45What did I call you?
34:46A prick?
34:47OK.
34:48Mushrooms.
34:49Stinky mushrooms.
34:50Cooking mushrooms, I think I said.
34:52And then...
34:53I think I said the joke wrong.
34:56Did I say you look nice?
34:57Something like that?
34:58I hope so.
35:00It doesn't say you have to write with alternate hands.
35:04Oh, shit, you have to write them in a different colour.
35:11I definitely said more than this.
35:13Quite a lot.
35:14Hmm.
35:15Is ha-ha a word?
35:17It's not, is it?
35:18Is it a word?
35:19Is it just a saying?
35:21I'm going to take out the ha-has, but then I need to write something else.
35:24OK, you've got 20 seconds.
35:25Oh, my God!
35:26Isn't it?
35:27That's all I've got, bro, isn't it?
35:29Why do you want an essay?
35:34APPLAUSE
35:36That second part of the task really shines a light on the old mushroom gag,
35:41doesn't it?
35:42Oh, God!
35:43I said it completely wrong.
35:44I don't think I even know the joke properly.
35:46You started adding to it.
35:47Like a true professional.
35:49I think you just wrote prick and mushrooms up on that whiteboard, did you?
35:52No, I didn't.
35:53I wrote loads of other stuff, and I was the only one that did it correct,
35:55cos you were supposed to write in the red and the blue,
35:57and I actually did that.
35:58Well, the others did also do that.
36:00Shut up.
36:01OK.
36:02You are one of only two who did the same numbers in red as in blue,
36:05so, yes, three of these people will have their numbers half.
36:08Matthew?
36:09Yeah?
36:10You remembered mushroom.
36:11I remembered that I'd walked into the room and said mushroom.
36:14Mushroom.
36:15Right.
36:16And then you had to guess from that point onwards,
36:18and you guessed that the second thing you would say to Alex was,
36:21you look nice.
36:22LAUGHTER
36:23So what did Matthew get?
36:24So he only wrote 14 correct words,
36:27and we have to half that cos he didn't do the same in red and blue,
36:29so seven is your total.
36:31Rosie?
36:32She wrote down 29 that she had said before,
36:34and she did use the correct ones in red and blue,
36:36so pretty good.
36:37And Fatia, 22 correctly.
36:39So far, we've got 29, 22 and seven.
36:41I mean, it did include,
36:42if my hijab smells, you will get punched.
36:44But...
36:45LAUGHTER
36:47One part to go.
36:50Will someone win and wrestle the final piece of Matt's jigsaw
36:54out of his pocket?
36:55Yes, I know, it's hard to care.
36:57We'll see you in a minute.
36:58APPLAUSE
36:59Hi, hello.
37:00Welcome back to Taskmaster and the final part of the show.
37:14The five were in the lab where, first of all,
37:17they had to sharpen their pencils.
37:19Oh, yes.
37:20And then they received part two,
37:22where they had to write down every word they said
37:24before they'd open the task.
37:26Ideally, the same number of words in each colour.
37:28Most accurate legible words wins.
37:30And also, I was on mushrooms.
37:31Last up, it's Steve and Jase.
37:35I have fucked it.
37:38It didn't say shortest pencil wins.
37:39No, and you did say you can use them still.
37:41I can.
37:42Every word I said in this room...
37:44OK, I'm just going to guess.
37:45I probably said the word the, didn't I?
37:46OK, I think I said,
37:48let's...
37:49do...
37:50this.
37:53Probably.
37:56Hmm.
37:57I've lost the pencil.
38:00I've lost the pencil.
38:02I think I'm just doing that with my nail varnish.
38:08Oh.
38:09I mean, it doesn't say it's the pencil.
38:10It just says two different colours.
38:12I've lost the first one.
38:13I'm going to use my nail varnish.
38:15Ah!
38:17So then I said,
38:19write down every word you said in this room
38:27before...
38:30Oh, God damn it.
38:33Yeah, you said those after.
38:35Said those after, Alex.
38:37So I'm fucked.
38:38I'm well fucked here.
38:39Well, you can drop things down, I suppose.
38:40I can?
38:41Yeah, you can't leave the room,
38:42so you can't get an eraser.
38:43Oh, you're going to use the sandpaper.
38:46I'm assuming this is what the sandpaper is for.
38:48Well, it looks like it.
38:49Mushroom.
38:50I said butter.
38:51Come on.
38:54Pencil cap.
38:55How long have I got?
38:5830 seconds.
38:59OK, I'm running out of nail varnish.
39:031, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11.
39:061, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11.
39:0812.
39:09Er, no.
39:1015 seconds.
39:11Er, I said...
39:12Er, spoon!
39:13That's a long spoon, isn't it?
39:15Fuck!
39:16It looks like Spoggen!
39:18It's like...
39:21Ow!
39:23It hurt quite long.
39:26Got it.
39:31I mean, I'm not going to lie.
39:33I crushed it.
39:35LAUGHTER
39:40This is an incredible destructive streak.
39:43From the first task.
39:45Both incredibly destructive.
39:47Both ended in absolute carnage.
39:50But there's a distinction.
39:51This felt willful.
39:53And what I wrote down for you, Stevie, was...
39:56Does Stevie need to speak to our after-show support teams?
40:00LAUGHTER
40:01Did either of them get any words?
40:03Jason did do very well.
40:04He... He did!
40:05He wrote down 34 of the words that he said before.
40:07And that was before he started this clever technique, which wasn't quite right.
40:10But he did really well.
40:11Unfortunately, he didn't do the same in each colour.
40:12So we have to halve it to 17 words.
40:14Stevie, obviously, we feel sad for you.
40:16You also didn't do the same in each colour.
40:18So your 19 words gets halved.
40:20I've counted as well.
40:21Yeah, you counted wrong.
40:23Jesus!
40:25So in this task, Matt gets one point.
40:26Stevie, you do get two.
40:27Jason, three.
40:28Four to Fatih.
40:29But five to Rosie Ramsey.
40:34Let's see the scores once more.
40:35Yes.
40:36Well, Stevie and Fatih in joint fourth on nine.
40:39Incredibly, Jason's in the lead with 15 points.
40:41What?!
40:46OK, it's time to enter the stage for the final task of the show!
40:51APPLAUSE
40:58What's cooking, baby boy?
41:00Stevie Martin's going to read out the task.
41:02Stevie Martin, over to you.
41:03Pop a balloon when you hear its colour.
41:06Last to pop is eliminated.
41:08If you pop early, you're eliminated.
41:11Last player standing wins.
41:14Greg's going to read a story out.
41:15OK.
41:16In the story, there will be colours.
41:18When you hear a colour, you've got to pop it.
41:20The last person to pop is out.
41:22Or if you pop early, you're out.
41:23It might be a homophone of the colour.
41:25You might say the Isle of White,
41:27which is not spelt the same as the colour, but that would count.
41:29And how would you know that?
41:31LAUGHTER
41:34Sorry, that would count?
41:35That would count.
41:36If anyone's worried about the banging of the balloons,
41:38we do have this, but it will interfere with the story, I suppose.
41:41Can I have the...?
41:43Yeah, fair enough.
41:44So just get ready and pop your biodegradable balloons.
41:46We're ready.
41:47It was the morning of the 46th birthday party of little Alex Horne.
41:52No-one was excited, but it was a beautiful day.
41:55The sky was clear, the sun was bright,
41:59and the grass was looking even more neatly mowed than usual.
42:03LAUGHTER
42:04As is tradition, the party was held at his local Chesham Bowling Green...
42:09..to start the party.
42:11LAUGHTER
42:13LAUGHTER
42:15It's my out.
42:19It's my out.
42:20Well, a couple of you might be out.
42:22Jason's burst two balloons.
42:24I was going for green and hit yellow by accident.
42:27Did he even say green?
42:29LAUGHTER
42:31I'm out.
42:32Yes, you're out.
42:33Jason doesn't appear to have many balloons left.
42:35LAUGHTER
42:38I'm going to have to pop these balloons now, OK?
42:40Can I turn around? Let me turn around.
42:41Yeah, you turn around.
42:42OK, go on then.
42:43OK.
42:44APPLAUSE
42:45Ugh!
42:46Ugh!
42:47We have two people in last place.
42:49You ready?
42:50Yeah.
42:51To start the party, Alex read all of his birthday cards.
42:54Yes.
42:55It was from...
42:56APPLAUSE
42:58Yes.
42:59Yes.
43:00Oh!
43:01LAUGHTER
43:03LAUGHTER
43:05Argh!
43:06LAUGHTER
43:07It is my birthday.
43:08OK.
43:10Done it.
43:11Is that what you do when...
43:12I've just got a bit horny.
43:14LAUGHTER
43:17Incredibly, we're already at the final, Greg.
43:20LAUGHTER
43:21Are you ready?
43:22Yes.
43:23One of his birthday cards was from the mayor
43:25and had all of his favourite fruits on.
43:27Apples, a bunch of bananas,
43:29and his favourite of the citrus family,
43:31a lovely round...
43:34..grapefruit.
43:36Alex heard his phone ring.
43:38Yeah?
43:39He answered.
43:40It was his uncle.
43:41Calling to ask if Alex had opened his small, inexpensive gift.
43:45The signal wasn't great, so Alex had to yell,
43:48Oh, yes.
43:49I did.
43:51LAUGHTER
43:52I love that.
43:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:56But that's not a word!
43:58That's not a homophone.
43:59That's two separate words.
44:01And I did it second, so I win.
44:03LAUGHTER
44:05Sorry.
44:06I need this.
44:08I'm the support staff nearby.
44:11LAUGHTER
44:12So the task was,
44:13pop the balloon when you hear its colour,
44:15and I guess he did say yellow.
44:16No.
44:17I clearly said yellow.
44:18LAUGHTER
44:19I've accidentally...
44:22I've accidentally...
44:23Oh, no!
44:24LAUGHTER
44:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:27What is that?
44:30Why?
44:31I think you stole it.
44:32I mean, ironically,
44:33the most irritating thing he's done so far.
44:35LAUGHTER
44:37Everybody!
44:38LAUGHTER
44:40I love it.
44:41It's a second kind act of altruism or not.
44:45He popped his balloon,
44:46and so I guess that kindness should be rewarded,
44:48and Stevie should get the points.
44:49Oh, there we go.
44:50Stevie gets five points!
44:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:52Come down here,
44:56and we'll add those to your final scores!
44:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:05And a lot happened in that task.
45:06Fatia did a listening task wearing ear defenders
45:08and still did just as bad as Jason.
45:10LAUGHTER
45:11Who came joint fourth and get two points each.
45:13Yes!
45:14Then, of course, Rosie was in third, gets three points.
45:16Matthew's demanded to come in second.
45:18He gets four, so Stevie gets the five points.
45:20Well done, Stevie.
45:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:23I don't like it.
45:24I know.
45:25Well, I don't like it either,
45:26because it means the final league table looks like this.
45:29We have joint winners now!
45:31Oh, God!
45:32Rosie and Jason.
45:34So we both get all the prizes?
45:36No, what we've got, Jason, is a hole punch tie-break.
45:39They had to make as many holes in a sheet of paper as possible,
45:42but could only use the hole punch once.
45:44Most holes wins.
45:46Let's see what happened.
45:52I don't know what I'm doing.
45:57How am I doing on tag?
45:58Do it for 30 seconds.
45:5910 seconds.
46:00Eh!
46:0434.
46:0534 holes.
46:0644.
46:0744 holes.
46:0844 holes.
46:1044 plays 34.
46:11Jason wins the paper!
46:12Jason, you've got to win!
46:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:17US!
46:18US!
46:19US!
46:20US!
46:21US!
46:22US!
46:23Please go and get us through
46:25some of the things you've bestowed in some will!
46:30So, what have we learnt today?
46:33Well, I guess we've learnt that people always try their best to be nice,
46:37to be considerate to others, but sometimes,
46:39when we put humans under extreme pressure,
46:42they reveal things that they don't want anyone to know about themselves.
46:46Maybe we're the monsters!
46:53Half done!
46:54Half to go!
46:55But for now, it's all about Jason Mazzucca!
46:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:16CONGREGAL shields & melting
47:31Mythical expensive folks...
47:33Follow the search,
47:37The care,
47:37because we don't want anyone to take a look at it!