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00:00This was a mistake!
00:04Shut up!
00:05Button?
00:14You're mad.
00:16Wow.
00:30Yes, hello. Hello, thank you. Welcome one and all to Taskmaster,
00:39one of the many TV shows that my own nieces don't watch.
00:44And yet, am I expected to display your school photos in my home?
00:49I doubt it!
00:51They've gone in the drawer with years' worth of your rubbish artwork.
00:55I know you'll never hear this, but it's enough for me to know
00:58that I've said it on TV.
01:01Quid pro quo, you monsters!
01:03Quid pro quo!
01:07Moving along.
01:08Please welcome to the show, Fatih Earl Gorey!
01:13Jason Manzuka!
01:16Matthew Bainter!
01:19Rosie Ramsey!
01:21And Stevie Martin!
01:24And next to me, a man who drives an electric car.
01:30And to quote him, not for the good of the planet,
01:33but because it makes my wife horny.
01:36LAUGHTER
01:38Little Alex Hall!
01:41APPLAUSE
01:45What's happening, sweet prince?
01:46I'm...
01:47I'm trying...
01:48I'm trying to be brave for you, Greg.
01:50Mm.
01:51You know I struggle with accents.
01:52Oh, yeah.
01:53I can't do them.
01:54Well, I can do them now.
01:55I've had lessons.
01:56OK.
01:57So I'd like to demonstrate my new grasp of accents.
01:59Are you ready?
02:00Yeah, I'm ready for the joke that you cooked up six minutes ago.
02:03LAUGHTER
02:04I'm going to start with Beyonce.
02:05Ready?
02:06OK.
02:08There's one on the E.
02:10LAUGHTER
02:12And now I'm going to do the Quebec accent.
02:15It's on the first E.
02:17I'm now going to do the Oslo accent.
02:22Good morning.
02:23I am from Oslo.
02:25Norway.
02:26APPLAUSE
02:31Let's get on with the price task.
02:33Right.
02:34Yes, I'm going to get on, Greg.
02:36And this time you've asked them to bring in the best object
02:39to bestow in your will to a relative against whom you are seeking revenge.
02:44We've all thought about it, we all want revenge,
02:46and I shall have my revenge.
02:48The object Greg thinks is best to bestow will be gifted five points
02:52and the winner of the episode will have to update their will
02:54with five new objects.
02:56Back to you, my sweet little Greg Forrest Gatto.
02:59LAUGHTER
03:02Matthew, what have you bought me to take revenge on a relative?
03:05I've brought a thousand-piece jigsaw of the Mona Lisa.
03:09Oh.
03:10You can get this in your will.
03:11I'd quite like that.
03:12I think quite a lot of nerds would like that, so...
03:16Well, this relative is not a nerd.
03:18Interestingly, you have, in your mind, picked a specific relative.
03:23LAUGHTER
03:24Did we not all...?
03:26LAUGHTER
03:27Let's call him Terry.
03:28LAUGHTER
03:30So, every time Terry comes over,
03:33I've got a jigsaw on the go,
03:35and Terry begins to get the impression that I'm really into jigsaws.
03:38Right.
03:39So, when I leave the Mona Lisa in my will, Terry's going to think,
03:44I guess I'd better do it in his memory.
03:47And then, how disappointed they would be...
03:50LAUGHTER
03:51When they find...
03:52APPLAUSE
03:55This is the piece that Matthew is going to be buried with.
03:58LAUGHTER
04:01So genuinely fiendish, Matthew.
04:04Rosie.
04:05I have brought used coffee bean granules
04:08in the shape of a delicious chocolate brownie.
04:12Oh, God, OK.
04:13Here it is.
04:15What I'm going to do,
04:16every time they come round,
04:18I'm going to be making chocolate brownies.
04:19Yeah.
04:20I'm going to make them the most delicious chocolate brownies
04:22that they've ever had in their life.
04:24And then, when I die,
04:25I'm going to get my coffee granules
04:27and I'm going to leave it with a note for them saying,
04:29one last time.
04:30LAUGHTER
04:33Then it'll be disgusting.
04:34And they'll never forget it.
04:36Great.
04:37I mean, that would be absolutely horrific.
04:39Jason!
04:40What are you planning to do
04:41to your most dislikable relative?
04:43OK.
04:44So...
04:45I collect a lot of art, right?
04:48Right.
04:49But not, like, good art.
04:50A lot of weird stuff.
04:52So, here's the thing.
04:53There are times when I am up late at night
04:56going on websites to buy random paintings, OK?
05:00OK.
05:01I do not remember purchasing this painting,
05:03but it arrived at my house.
05:05Imagine my surprise.
05:07Here it is.
05:08Oh!
05:11Is this not the most haunted thing you've ever seen?
05:16I hate it.
05:17Yes!
05:18I don't care for it either.
05:20This task allows me an opportunity
05:22to offload this nightmare.
05:25I'm so sorry for whoever gets it.
05:27Wow.
05:28I mean, it is...
05:29God-awful.
05:30Yeah!
05:31Stevie, can you beat the disembodied floating heads of children?
05:35I think it is quite root one, but I wouldn't like this.
05:37So, it's like a really interesting-looking old envelope...
05:41OK.
05:42..that makes you be like, hang on, what's going on here?
05:44There's the envelope.
05:45Yeah, there's the envelope.
05:46Interesting.
05:47So, when you open it...
05:48This is what happens.
05:49A lot of glitter, and it says, ha-ha, you're a twat.
05:51LAUGHTER
05:52APPLAUSE
05:53Very clever, really.
05:54You lowered my expectations so much,
05:59but I quite liked, ha-ha, you're a twat.
06:01LAUGHTER
06:03Ah!
06:04Ah!
06:05My old friend.
06:06LAUGHTER
06:08You all right, baby?
06:09What have you brought us?
06:10I mean, I dread to think what revenge you're going to take.
06:13LAUGHTER
06:14Oh, my God!
06:15So, I brought pillows.
06:17She brought pillows, yeah.
06:19And then, but the pièce de résistance is the little note.
06:23Could you please show us the note, Alex?
06:25There's a word I didn't understand, but it says this.
06:27LAUGHTER
06:29So, let me give you the context, right?
06:31I've got an auntie who's a BITCH!
06:33LAUGHTER
06:34And basically, for three birthdays on the trot,
06:39the BITCH has got me pillows.
06:41LAUGHTER
06:42Is that the one reason she's a BITCH?
06:44Yeah!
06:45Because she buys you pillows?
06:46Yeah!
06:47So, she hasn't done anything?
06:48She's not been rude to you?
06:49No!
06:50She's got you some nice pillows.
06:51She cooks the best couscous in the world, but I won't eat it.
06:53LAUGHTER
06:54The first time you got the pillows,
06:56are you happy with that?
06:57Yeah, I was happy.
06:58Right.
06:59Because I mentioned once that I need pillows.
07:00Wow!
07:01So you wanted pillows!
07:03Yeah, but not free time!
07:05LAUGHTER
07:06Well, this is your mistake.
07:07You should be saying...
07:08Say more things you like.
07:09..things that you need next year.
07:11Yeah.
07:12This year, I need a kettle.
07:13A kettle.
07:14What the hell am I, a 70-year-old woman?
07:16LAUGHTER
07:17Get ready to receive a painting, ladies.
07:20LAUGHTER
07:21LAUGHTER
07:22Right, Greg, what is the least good revenge?
07:25I feel sorry for Stevie a little bit.
07:27Come on!
07:28LAUGHTER
07:29Oh, my pillows!
07:30It's not that bad, is it?
07:31It could be seen as just like a, ha, you twat.
07:34Love you.
07:35It's the glitter element.
07:36You've forgotten that element.
07:37Oh, God, yes.
07:38Oh, sorry, five points.
07:39LAUGHTER
07:40So there's one point to Stevie.
07:42When I think about this beautiful head,
07:45popping down for the night,
07:48he doesn't want to pop his head onto some coffee grounds.
07:51He wants to pop them onto some pillows.
07:53So two points for the lovely pillows.
07:54Two points for you, Fatia.
07:55And big respect to your auntie.
07:57She's going to be your auntie soon, so stop fighting them.
07:59LAUGHTER
08:01Three points for the coffee grounds for Rosie.
08:03OK. Three to Rosie, thank you.
08:05And now we're up with the really sinister things.
08:08LAUGHTER
08:09He won't like this,
08:10and it's one of the reasons I'm going to do it.
08:12I'm going to give you both five points.
08:13Yes!
08:14OK. Five to make it for a good situation.
08:16APPLAUSE
08:18Let's task two right.
08:20And yes, please, Mummy, it's time to camp it up a bit.
08:23MUSIC PLAYS
08:38Wow.
08:40Hello.
08:41Hi, Stevie.
08:42Wow.
08:43You like it?
08:44I love it. It's like a spa, isn't it?
08:46Is it?
08:47It's a little bit.
08:48Posh one.
08:50I like this.
08:51You like grottoes?
08:52Yeah.
08:53And it's great what people did before the internet.
08:56LAUGHTER
08:58Be the least annoying person round the campfire.
09:02Round the campfire.
09:04Should have had a little apostrophe before the R.
09:07Don't worry about it, I got it.
09:09OK.
09:10LAUGHTER
09:11Be the least annoying person round the campfire.
09:15You must either sing a folk song...
09:17Tell a ghost story.
09:19Or recite a beat poem.
09:21And not be annoying.
09:23Your song, story or poem must either be about fast cars...
09:28Barbecues.
09:29Or DIY.
09:31And it can contain no more than 100 words.
09:35You must perform your song, story or poem in ten minutes from now.
09:40If I do a folk song, do I get an instrument?
09:43Yeah, I've got all the instruments.
09:44All of them?
09:45You've got a little egg?
09:46No?
09:47What's the beat poem?
09:48Is that the shit they do in America?
09:49Well, we can ask Jason.
09:50Who's Jason?
09:51Who's the American on the show?
09:52Oh!
09:53Don't put that in.
09:54I think we will.
09:55I think we will.
09:56I'm meant to be the least annoying.
09:57Yeah, you are supposed to be, yeah.
09:58You brought this.
09:59Huge mistake.
10:00Um...
10:01Did you hear that?
10:02Yeah.
10:03That's the problem.
10:04Ghost of a moorhen.
10:05You've got nine minutes left, Stevie.
10:06Is that improv it?
10:07But it's gotta be no more than 100 words?
10:09Oh, shit.
10:10When are you going to?
10:11I figure it a glee.
10:12I's not going to use all that.
10:13No, I'm not going to use all the tricks.
10:14I don't want to use all the tricks.
10:15I'm not going to use all the tricks of the moorhen.
10:16Cause I don't want to use all the tricks of the moorhen.
10:17I don't want to use all the tricks.
10:18Oh!
10:19That's my problem.
10:20Do you hear that?
10:21Yeah.
10:22That's the problem.
10:23The ghost of a moorhen.
10:25You've got nine minutes left, Stevie.
10:26It's not improv it.
10:27But it's got to be no more than 100 words.
10:28Oh shit.
10:29When are you going to write this?
10:31There's got to be no more than 100 words.
10:32Oh, shit.
10:34When are you going to write the... I figured I'd freestyle it.
10:36Oh, fine.
10:40How much have you written so far, Stevie?
10:48I mean, given that the task centres around not being annoying,
10:52you calling back to a moorhead.
10:54Yeah, that wasn't... That wasn't part of the thing.
10:57And as for you, you were annoying so many times.
11:01I mean, you corrected the grammar on the task.
11:04Yeah?
11:05It doesn't look good, Jason, but let's see.
11:07Am I going first?
11:08Yes, it is first.
11:09A man whose co-stars on IMDb will soon read Keanu Reeves,
11:13Mark Wahlberg, Robert De Niro and little Alex Hornet's Jason Mandzukus.
11:23This is a folk song for you.
11:27Alex, we rode the rails together.
11:31Up and down, east and west, north and south, we did it all.
11:38From sea to sea, marsh to bog, we made sweet love on a dead mossy log.
11:45You're my best friend, and I love you with all of my heart.
11:54Alex, will you marry me?
12:01I don't think so.
12:11What?
12:12I don't think so.
12:13Barbecue, fast cars, or DIY?
12:21Fast train cars.
12:22I said we hop trains, right?
12:24Yeah, fast train cars.
12:25Pretty sure train cars go probably faster than automobiles.
12:30Do you need it spelled out for you?
12:32It's god damn poetry.
12:33Thank you so much, Jason.
12:34Thank you, Alex.
12:35But you have broken my heart.
12:38APPLAUSE
12:40I found the following things annoying.
12:45Your smile, your confidence, your tone of voice, the soundtrack you chose,
12:51the rhyming scheme, the mawkish insincerity, the proposal,
12:55and the smug explanation of your art.
12:58And I added a footnote.
13:00It wasn't even about fast cars.
13:02It was about fucking and marrying my friend.
13:05LAUGHTER
13:07Five points.
13:08So, so fast, so bad.
13:10Next up, it's...
13:12I wish I could roll my Rs.
13:15It's Rosie Ramsey.
13:16You ready?
13:18I can't wait.
13:19Why do I keep dreaming of being alone with you?
13:33Having a barbecue for our tea.
13:37LAUGHTER
13:39Sausage burgers, halloumi.
13:43We'll be on the menu.
13:46Then we'll wash it all down with a Pinot Grinch.
13:51LAUGHTER
13:52It's the best way to eat outside on a little seat.
13:57Barbecuing is in my blood.
14:00My dad is a barbecue stud.
14:03LAUGHTER
14:05In my town.
14:07So why don't you join me?
14:11Grab yourself a skewer
14:16And slide on some of those veggies.
14:20LAUGHTER
14:22APPLAUSE
14:24Yeah.
14:26APPLAUSE
14:28Pretty impressive.
14:32Because I've got a long history of being irritated
14:35when people show us they can sing.
14:37LAUGHTER
14:38But I didn't find that irritating.
14:39I thought it was genuine.
14:41As you could tell from the studio reaction as well.
14:43All of us enjoyed it.
14:45By stark contrast to Jason's.
14:46LAUGHTER
14:48That's the first part over.
14:50Time for a little interval.
14:51But there's more camping coming up soon.
14:54Maybe sooner than you think.
14:56Oh, shut up!
14:57You shut up!
14:58APPLAUSE
15:00Well, welcome back to Taskmaster.
15:12It's part two and the cast are trying their best not to be annoying.
15:16Perhaps their hardest challenge yet.
15:19Quick reminder, then, their song, story or poem must be no more than 100 words.
15:25And once again, it has to be no more than 100 words.
15:29LAUGHTER
15:30Here's Fatia.
15:31And Stevie.
15:32This is a true story.
15:45Once I was in Morocco, and it was Eid, right?
15:51And it was the second Eid, which is the Eid of sacrifice.
15:55So you have to slaughter an animal.
15:57So we slaughtered a goat, and a goat is my favourite meat.
16:00Do you eat meat?
16:01Yes, I eat meat.
16:02Goat is the best meat.
16:03OK.
16:04Don't you think?
16:05Yes.
16:06This is not part of the poem.
16:07It's not a poem.
16:08It's a story.
16:09Am I taking out the goat stuff?
16:10No, no, not the goat.
16:11Just the one I asked you if you eat meat.
16:12Right.
16:13OK.
16:14And then, this is for real, yeah, this is what happened.
16:16It was a guest at somebody's house.
16:17And it was really nice, because it's my favourite meat.
16:19Up to about 90 words, man.
16:20OK.
16:21I'm going to carry on.
16:22OK.
16:23Because I've got to finish the story.
16:24Yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:25OK.
16:26And then they brought out another tajin,
16:27because that's what they do in Morocco.
16:28And I said, no, I'm full.
16:29She goes, no, you'll really like it.
16:31And then she goes, this is the best meat.
16:33And she went like this.
16:34And the goat that they'd slaughtered had a baby inside.
16:38And that was the baby.
16:40She went like this.
16:41Like a flag.
16:42She said, do you want to eat it?
16:43And I said, no, thank you.
16:48Would you not find that scary?
16:49Yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:50Innit?
16:51So that's it.
16:52Yeah, that's it.
16:53I think I once saw a ghost at a barbecue.
16:56I don't know, really.
17:00You saw a ghost at a barbecue?
17:01Yeah.
17:02Or maybe I didn't.
17:04Do you want a sausage?
17:05Yeah, I'd love a sausage.
17:06OK, cool.
17:07Yeah.
17:08Gonna get a sausage.
17:09Oh, my God.
17:10I see your technique.
17:13Clever.
17:16A ghost story that was neither here nor there, thrown away.
17:19Yeah.
17:20Sometimes people fall at the last hurdle, don't they?
17:21What?
17:22And that sausage song just got to me.
17:23Yeah, I'm going to get a sausage.
17:24Yeah, that's true.
17:25I knew it.
17:26I went from 0 to 100 miles an hour.
17:27OK.
17:28It was good, apart from, oh, yeah, I'm going to get a sausage.
17:30I can't stop singing that.
17:31That's a good song, then.
17:32I'm going to get a sausage.
17:33That's a good song, then.
17:34I'm going to get a sausage.
17:35You love it.
17:36Sounds like you love it.
17:37No, you, you monster.
17:38I mean, it's the worst thing I've ever heard in my life.
17:40Did you mistake ghost story for goat story?
17:43That's the only explanation.
17:45Because there were no ghost stories.
17:46No, no.
17:47No.
17:48No.
17:49No.
17:50No.
17:51No.
17:52No.
17:53No.
17:54No.
17:55No.
17:56No.
17:57No.
17:58No.
17:59No.
18:00No.
18:01There were no ghosts in there, were there?
18:03No.
18:04But that was the only scary thing I could think of.
18:07It's just awful.
18:09Was it annoying, though, Rick?
18:11Oh, Christ, yes.
18:13Just checking.
18:14Just checking.
18:15There's only one thing that can make me feel better,
18:17and to make me forget that, and it's, oh, going to get a sausage.
18:21Not having anything to make me forget her.
18:23You'll never forget me.
18:25Oh.
18:26OK, what's next?
18:28Finally, his walls have got paint on.
18:30His name is Matt Bainton.
18:31Here we go.
18:32LAUGHTER
18:33All these books and I need a shelf, but the handyman is busy.
18:44Guess I'm in a pickle when it comes to all these books.
18:50All these books and I need a shelf, but the handyman's in hospital.
18:56Guess I'm in a pickle when it comes to all these books.
19:03We've all been there, with no one to rely on.
19:08We've all been there, we don't know what to do.
19:13Who can I get to put up my shelf?
19:23Guess I better do it myself.
19:26Everybody.
19:28Who can I get to put up my shelf?
19:34Guess I better do it myself.
19:40APPLAUSE
19:47I think I know all the moments you're going to say.
19:49There was only one where the Irritatometer started to go,
19:53just only on one, and it was just your shrug.
19:55That was the only time.
19:56You're kidding.
19:57About halfway through.
19:58Even when I said everybody.
19:59Everybody!
20:00Oh, I did write everybody, Dad.
20:02Thank you!
20:03I need to mention the everybody again, Greg,
20:06because Matt has been hoisted by the small print before,
20:09and the reprise prompted by everybody meant something happened.
20:13I'm going to show you the reprise again.
20:15Everybody!
20:17Who can I get to put up my shelf?
20:23Guess I better do it myself.
20:27It's exactly 101 words.
20:35Oh!
20:36Everybody!
20:37Everybody!
20:38Everybody!
20:39It makes it less annoying.
20:41I mean, can you imagine writing something that enchanting
20:45and losing to Jason?
20:48So, what are we going to do?
20:50We can only allow people to get points who stuck to the word game.
20:53Sausage!
20:57You do need to give points out to the other three, though.
20:59Oh, Christ, well, this shouldn't be too hard.
21:01That means I have to give him three points.
21:05People won't take me seriously as a judge if I give you...
21:07THEY DON'T ANYWAY!
21:12For the sake of my credibility, one point.
21:14God damn it. God damn you for that shit.
21:17This is appalling treatment of a foreigner on your home.
21:23As is the British way.
21:29Where are we going with the points from here?
21:31She wasn't annoying until the sausage bit at the end,
21:33and I've sort of grown to like the sausage song as well.
21:35Three points.
21:36Well, if she's second, traditionally it's four in second.
21:38All right, I'm changing the system.
21:41I'm giving Jason two points.
21:43At least he stuck to the rules, even though I'm so annoyed with him.
21:46Four points to Stevie and, obviously, five points to Rosie.
21:50Well done, Rosie Ramsey.
21:51APPLAUSE
21:55Let's have a scoreboard, please.
21:56Sure.
21:57Well, Fatia is on pretty much minimum points, too.
21:59Rosie, last week's winner, is in the lead with eight points.
22:02Lovely.
22:05One more for your taskmaster.
22:06OK, and here is an arty parked car task.
22:10Ooh.
22:11Ooh.
22:12Oh, well, you've won.
22:13Oh, I've won this?
22:14I don't want it.
22:15Please get into the vehicle.
22:16OK.
22:17I haven't passed my driving, er, lessons.
22:19Test.
22:20Oh, I can see it.
22:21There's a twist.
22:22I don't know how to drive.
22:23OK.
22:24But I've got road rage.
22:25Doesn't surprise me.
22:26OK.
22:27Right.
22:28Draw the monster.
22:29You must not turn around or leave the car.
22:30If you fail to honk your horn when you see a lollipop lady,
22:32you must surrender your picture for 30 seconds.
22:36PHONE RINGS
22:37Where's the car?
22:38OK.
22:39I haven't passed my driving, er, lessons.
22:40Test.
22:41Oh, I can see it.
22:42There's a twist.
22:43I don't know how to drive.
22:44OK.
22:45But I've got road rage.
22:46Doesn't surprise me.
22:47OK.
22:48Right.
22:49Draw the monster.
22:50You must not turn around or leave the car.
22:52If you fail to honk your horn when you see a lollipop lady,
22:54you must surrender your picture for 30 seconds.
22:57PHONE RINGS
22:58Where's the horn?
23:00And that'll be obvious what a lollipop lady is.
23:03That's not a...
23:04I'm not familiar with the phrase lollipop lady.
23:07What?
23:08Most accurate monster picture wins.
23:11You have five minutes.
23:13Your time...
23:15starts...
23:18now.
23:19I can't see the monster.
23:21You said I'm not allowed to turn around.
23:23Yeah.
23:24Oh, but I can use something else.
23:26It's not...
23:27Not just a pretty face, innit?
23:30LAUGHTER
23:31Not just a pretty face.
23:33I was really worried about Stevie's opening statement.
23:38I haven't passed my driving lessons.
23:40I still haven't.
23:43Where's the horn?
23:44Yeah.
23:45Non-drivers are a bit weird, right?
23:47are a bit weird, right? I don't really respect myself and I've had a real
23:51psychological issue with not passing my test, so thanks. Oh!
23:55So you have tried? Oh, I've done about 150 hours
23:59and the last lesson I had, I went through a stop sign and went round the round about the wrong way
24:03and he said, you said, you cannot do this, why aren't you focusing?
24:07And I was focusing so hard and then I started crying and then he took me to McDonalds.
24:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
24:17Uncheek you're Jason. Yeah. What did you think a lollipop lady was?
24:21I genuinely had no idea. I assumed a woman selling lollipops.
24:25Which I would absolutely believe is one of the
24:29bullshit things that would occur in this country.
24:33Let's go. OK, so here are all five drawing a monster
24:37in what I've called a monstage.
24:40Can you tell me about the monster? Can you tell me anything?
24:44I've never seen the monster.
24:46That's not a lollipop. OK.
24:48Oh!
24:50Oh, a bird isn't a monster.
24:52Erm...
24:54There's more than one!
24:56Is that a monster?
24:58Hold on.
25:00How's your picture?
25:02Those are not monsters.
25:04Oh, my guess is this is a lollipop lady.
25:08Hello!
25:12That's the monster, that's the monster, that's the monster.
25:16OK, that is unequivocally a monster.
25:20What does the monster look like?
25:22Listen, shut your hole, yeah?
25:24Shit, why's this person coming here?
25:26Er, are you away or parked in a no-parking zone?
25:30I mean, I have no idea.
25:32Alright, well, can I see a driving licence?
25:34I'd rather not, thank you.
25:36I don't have one.
25:37Oh, here's, here's my wallet.
25:39Brilliant.
25:40That's me.
25:41Is this a recent photograph?
25:45Just about a year ago.
25:49That's helpful, actually.
25:52I am still gonna have to issue you a parking lot.
25:54Why, bruv?
25:55Why?
25:56Why?
25:57You must turn on your hazard lights within the next 20 seconds.
26:01They'll pay a fine of eight pens.
26:03OK.
26:04Oh, I know, it's these ones.
26:09How's it right?
26:10Well, we've passed the 20 seconds.
26:11What are you talking about?
26:13Eight pens, please.
26:14OK, yeah, just let me...
26:17Oh, come on, mate, I'd love a lift.
26:19Come on in.
26:20Yeah?
26:21Yeah, get in, buddy.
26:22Can I, um, get a lift?
26:24No, bruv.
26:25Get out.
26:26Two more pens, please.
26:27Er, it's gone.
26:30It's a lollipop monster.
26:33That is a monster who has ate a lollipop lady.
26:36OK.
26:37OK.
26:38OK.
26:39Ah!
26:44Are we getting in?
26:45Why are we getting in?
26:46Why are we getting in?
26:47Oh, God.
26:48Why are we getting in?
26:49Hello, everyone.
26:50Oh, my God.
26:51Jesus Christ.
26:54Hi, guys.
26:56No.
26:58Did you turn that on?
26:59No.
27:00No.
27:01No.
27:06Fairly enchanting reaction from Jason when he realised he'd seen his first lollipop lady.
27:10He started excitedly beeping the horn.
27:13I was delighted that I could figure it out.
27:15Rosie, you didn't see the monster on the driving licence.
27:18I have woke up in cold sweats over this task.
27:21Oh, wow.
27:22We were the monsters, weren't we?
27:24Were we meant to just draw ourselves?
27:25Wow.
27:27LAUGHTER
27:28That's what you've been...
27:32That's what you've been waking up in a cold sweat?
27:35I mean, of course not.
27:37That's...
27:38Oh, right, OK.
27:39There was a monster there.
27:40LAUGHTER
27:41Now, what you should have been waking up...
27:42Because it was on the licence?
27:43Yes, you were the only person who saw the picture of the thing,
27:45so you could have just painted...
27:46Right.
27:47Yes.
27:49Oh.
27:50What did you think I meant?
27:51But on a deeper level, yes.
27:52Yes.
27:53LAUGHTER
27:54This land twist.
27:56The monster's walking round the car.
27:59This is also Taskmaster.
28:00They don't do M. Night Shyamalan-style twists.
28:02Not yet.
28:03We've been dead the whole time.
28:05LAUGHTER
28:06I died in the lab on the first task?
28:12We've all given stuff away in our wills.
28:15Yes!
28:16The clues were there from the very start!
28:19LAUGHTER
28:24Show me some pictures, young man.
28:26OK, well, I'll show you four of them.
28:27I won't show you Rosie's yet.
28:28This is the first four and the monster.
28:30You can see how well they've done.
28:32Fatia's monster hasn't got a head.
28:34Presumably that was consumed as a family meal.
28:37LAUGHTER
28:39Only one more monster to see.
28:42So this is Rosie's picture of the monster.
28:45LAUGHTER
28:49Sorry, did you misread the task?
28:51Was it draw the monster as if the monster had fallen off a building?
28:55LAUGHTER
28:56I just didn't think that was the monster.
28:58And then, two weeks later, I thought I was the monster.
29:01LAUGHTER
29:02Yeah, we know what you thought.
29:03This is equivalent to me.
29:04He's quite a sassy monster, I'll give you that.
29:07Yeah.
29:08He's quite showbiz, isn't he?
29:09He's a bit...
29:10LAUGHTER
29:11LAUGHTER
29:12So it is meant to be the most accurate picture of the monster.
29:14So here's all five and you can judge them.
29:16Are we saying that Rosie's is the least accurate?
29:19Seems fair.
29:20LAUGHTER
29:21So one point to Rosie.
29:22Stevie's one looks like it's got, like, five coats on.
29:25I would have to agree with that, yeah.
29:27One and two points.
29:28Yes.
29:29So it's one point to Rosie, two to Stevie.
29:31OK, well, my instinct is that, and feel free to disagree with the logic,
29:35Fatty's monster hasn't got a head.
29:37LAUGHTER
29:38I would probably put her in the third place.
29:41Listen, you're getting a bit aggressive, OK?
29:43You started as a thoughtful, attentive man,
29:46and now you're becoming an arsehole.
29:48Yeah, well, isn't that the dreary safari all relationships?
29:52Go on.
29:53LAUGHTER
29:54Three points to Fatty, so it's between Jason and Matthews.
29:57Jason has a higher number of arms, but he did get the pink wings,
30:02he got the pink and purple hair.
30:03But did he get the personality?
30:05LAUGHTER
30:07I think Jason's just picked it, probably.
30:10LAUGHTER
30:11So four points to Matthew, five to Jason.
30:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
30:17OK, I'm afraid it's time for some adverts again.
30:20Alex's plastic slip-on shoes won't pay for themselves!
30:33Hello! Welcome back, everybody.
30:36Next, please.
30:37Yes, it's now time for The Hat in the Lab by Dr Seuss.
30:40Here we go.
30:41BUZZER
30:43BUZZER
30:44BUZZER
30:45BUZZER
30:46BUZZER
30:47BUZZER
30:48BUZZER
30:49BUZZER
30:50BUZZER
30:51BUZZER
30:52BUZZER
30:53BUZZER
30:54Oh, hello!
30:55Mushrooms.
30:56Matthew.
30:57What...what are you doing?
30:59Cooking mushrooms.
31:00BUZZER
31:01BUZZER
31:02BUZZER
31:03BUZZER
31:04BUZZER
31:05BUZZER
31:06BUZZER
31:07BUZZER
31:08BUZZER
31:09BUZZER
31:10BUZZER
31:11BUZZER
31:12BUZZER
31:13BUZZER
31:14BUZZER
31:15BUZZER
31:16BUZZER
31:17BUZZER
31:18BUZZER
31:19BUZZER
31:20BUZZER
31:21BUZZER
31:22BUZZER
31:23BUZZER
31:24BUZZER
31:25BUZZER
31:26That is the longest spoon I've ever seen.
31:28Yeah, I don't know where to hold it.
31:30Right at the end, like this.
31:31And then just do this. There we go.
31:34Shorten these pencils and place your shortened pencils in the pencil case.
31:39You have five minutes.
31:40Your time started when you mentioned the hat.
31:42Oh, well, Gordon got me chatting on. Shite.
31:46You're such a prick, bruv. I'll see you.
31:48All right, OK.
31:49Yeah, you've only got three minutes.
31:51I don't know if I mentioned the hat.
31:54I've done it now, haven't I?
31:55You've got five minutes.
31:56You've got four minutes.
31:57Your time started when you mentioned the goddamn hat.
31:59Yeah, you've got two minutes, Jo.
32:00Son of a bitch.
32:02Oi, that shit stinks. What's going on?
32:05The mushrooms.
32:06All right, we have provided pencil sharpeners.
32:08Yeah, but that's quicker.
32:10Don't look.
32:11Ow!
32:12Look at that.
32:14Come on!
32:16Oh, you know what I've just thought?
32:18You don't have to make them really short.
32:20That's the best method, isn't it?
32:21Because that is technically shorter.
32:23They're shorter.
32:26They are shorter, yeah.
32:27I bet no one else is going to eat the pencil.
32:30Ow!
32:30So these are shorter, therefore I have done the task.
32:33Yeah.
32:33And I've won.
32:35Do you want me to stop the clock?
32:37Yeah.
32:38Bye.
32:38Oh, not yet, no.
32:39Oh, good.
32:40Say bye.
32:40That one as well.
32:41I really don't like you no more.
32:49Write down every word you said in this room before opening this task.
32:54Also, you must write the same number of words in each colour, otherwise your total will be halved.
33:00Most accurate, legible words wins.
33:04You must not leave the lab.
33:05Your time started when you started reading this task.
33:08Oh, my God.
33:10Do you remember what you said to me?
33:11No fucking idea.
33:12Right.
33:14APPLAUSE
33:14I mean, in many ways you've been one of the most affable group of people we've had on the show,
33:22but the naked aggression that's been shown towards Alex, I so approve of it.
33:26What you've called a prick.
33:28Early doors during that.
33:30Sorry.
33:31A son of a bitch.
33:32It's just wonderful stuff.
33:34Was this the first one we filmed?
33:35Yeah.
33:36First one.
33:36Ah.
33:36Which means that as soon as he walked in, the first time he saw me, he threw a bottle at me.
33:41Rosie.
33:42Yeah.
33:42On reflection, would you still go with the mushroom gag or...?
33:45Never.
33:46Never.
33:46I was nervous.
33:47Just came out.
33:48Your face had it all afterwards.
33:49Like, yeah.
33:51On reflection, Stevie, would you have bitten the ends off the pencils?
33:56I thought we had to make them as short as humanly possible.
33:59Which, of course, you didn't.
34:00You were just asked to shorten them.
34:01Yes.
34:02Yes, I misread it.
34:03You actually said at one point, didn't you, I bet no-one's going to bite the pencil.
34:07Yeah.
34:07Sort of, quite proudly.
34:08Yeah, well, I thought...
34:09And the whole world's like, no.
34:11Why are you doing that?
34:13Yeah.
34:13Now, commendably, these four knew that wasn't the task, really.
34:16It didn't say shortest or fastest.
34:18You were quite cleverly not doing what you did.
34:21Yeah.
34:21It's not been a great episode for me.
34:22No, OK.
34:24OK.
34:24First up, it's Rose Matafeo.
34:26Sorry, it's Rosie Matten-Fateo.
34:28Here we go.
34:29Write down every word you said in this room before opening the task.
34:34I said, mush...
34:35I said the joke.
34:38The first thing I said was mushrooms.
34:41And after that, it's going to go downhill.
34:45What did I call you?
34:46A prick?
34:46OK.
34:47Mushrooms.
34:48Stinky mushrooms.
34:50Cooking mushrooms, I think I said.
34:52And then...
34:53I think I said the joke wrong.
34:56Did I say you look nice?
34:57Something like that?
34:59OK.
35:00It doesn't say you have to write with alternate hands.
35:05Oh, shit, you have to write them in a different colour.
35:08I definitely said more than this.
35:13Quite a lot.
35:14Hmm.
35:15Is ha-ha a word?
35:17It's not, is it?
35:18Is it a word?
35:19Is it just a scene?
35:21I'm going to take out the ha-has, but then I need to write something else.
35:24OK, you've got 20 seconds.
35:25Oh, my God.
35:26Finish?
35:27That's all I've got, bro, isn't it?
35:29What do you want, an essay?
35:33That second part of the task really shines a light on the old mushroom gag, doesn't it?
35:41Oh, God.
35:42I said it completely wrong.
35:44I don't think I even know the joke properly.
35:45You started adding to it.
35:47Like a true professional.
35:48I think you just wrote prick and mushrooms up on that whiteboard, did you?
35:52No, I didn't.
35:52I wrote loads of other stuff, and I was the only one that did it correct,
35:55because you were supposed to write in the red and the blue,
35:57and I actually did that.
35:58Well, the others did also do that.
36:00Shut up.
36:00OK.
36:01You are one of only two who did the same numbers in red as in blue,
36:05so, yes, three of these people will have their numbers half.
36:08Matthew.
36:08Yeah?
36:09You remembered mushroom.
36:10I remembered that I'd walked into the room and said mushroom.
36:14Mushroom, right.
36:16And then you had to guess from that point onwards,
36:18and you guessed that the second thing you would say to Alex was,
36:21you look nice.
36:23So what did Matthew get?
36:24So he only wrote 14 correct words,
36:27and we have to half that, because he didn't do the same in red and blue,
36:29so seven is your total.
36:31Rosie.
36:31She wrote down 29 that she had said before,
36:33and she did use the correct ones in red and blue,
36:36so pretty good.
36:37And Fatia, 22 correctly.
36:38So far, we've got 29, 22, and seven.
36:41I mean, it did include,
36:42if my hijab smells, you will get punched.
36:45LAUGHTER
36:46One part to go.
36:50Will someone win
36:52and wrestle the final piece of Matt's jigsaw out of his pocket?
36:55Yes, I know, it's hard to care.
36:57We'll see you in a minute.
36:58APPLAUSE
37:00Hi, hello.
37:11Welcome back to Taskmaster and the final part of the show.
37:14The five were in the lab where, first of all,
37:17they had to sharpen their pencils.
37:19Oh, yes.
37:20And then they received part two,
37:22where they had to write down every word they said
37:24before they'd open the task.
37:26Ideally, the same number of words in each colour.
37:28Most accurate, legible words wins.
37:30And also, I was on mushrooms.
37:31Last up, it's Steve and Jase.
37:35I have fucked it.
37:37It didn't say short as pencil wins.
37:39No, and you did say you can use them still.
37:41I can.
37:42Every word I said in this room...
37:44OK, I'm just going to guess.
37:44I probably said the word the, didn't I?
37:46OK, I think I said,
37:48let's do this.
37:53Probably.
37:56Hmm.
37:57I've lost the pencil.
38:00I've lost the pencil.
38:01Oh, I think I was doing that with my nail varnish.
38:08Oh.
38:09I mean, it doesn't say it's the pencil.
38:10It just says two different colours.
38:12I've lost the first one.
38:13I'm going to use my nail varnish.
38:15Ah!
38:16So then I said,
38:18write down every word you said in this room
38:27before...
38:30Oh, God damn it.
38:33Yeah, you said those after.
38:35I said those after, Alex.
38:37So I'm fucked.
38:38I'm well fucked here.
38:38Well, you can drop things down, I suppose.
38:40I can?
38:41Yeah, you can't leave the room,
38:42so you can't get an eraser.
38:43Oh, you're going to use the sandpaper.
38:45I'm assuming this is what the sandpaper is for.
38:48Well, it looks like it.
38:49Mushroom.
38:50I said butter.
38:51Come on.
38:53Pencil cake.
38:54Shit.
38:55How long have I got?
38:5830 seconds.
38:59OK, I'm running out of nail varnish.
39:031, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11.
39:061, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11.
39:0812.
39:09No.
39:1015 seconds.
39:10I said spoon.
39:13That's a long spoon, isn't it?
39:14Fuck!
39:15It looks like Spoggen.
39:18Ow!
39:22It hurt quite long.
39:26Got it.
39:30I mean, I'm not going to lie, I crushed it.
39:39You can have an incredible destructive streak
39:42from the first task.
39:44It was both incredibly destructive.
39:47Both ended in absolute carnage,
39:50but there's a distinction.
39:51This felt willful.
39:53And what I wrote down for you, Stevie, was,
39:56does Stevie need to speak to our after-show support teams?
40:00Did either of them get any words?
40:03Jason did do very well.
40:04He did.
40:05He wrote down 34 of the words that he said before,
40:07and that was before he started this clever technique,
40:09which wasn't quite right, but he did really well.
40:10Unfortunately, he didn't do the same in each colour,
40:12so we have to halve it to 17 words.
40:15Stevie, obviously, we feel sad for you.
40:17You also didn't do the same in each colour,
40:18so your 19 words gets halved.
40:20I've counted as well.
40:21Yeah, you counted wrong.
40:23Jesus.
40:25So when this starts, Matt gets one point,
40:26Stevie, you do get two,
40:27Jason, three,
40:28four to Fatia,
40:28but five to Rosie Ramsey.
40:30Oh, wow.
40:31APPLAUSE
40:32Let's see the scores once more.
40:35Yes, well, Stevie and Fatia in joint fourth on nine,
40:39but incredibly, Jason's in the lead with 15 points.
40:41What?
40:41APPLAUSE
40:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:45OK, so I get to the stage for the final task of the show!
40:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:54What's cooking, baby boy?
40:59Stevie Martin's going to read out the task.
41:02Stevie Martin, over to you.
41:03Pop a balloon when you hear its colour.
41:06Last to pop is eliminated.
41:08If you pop early, you're eliminated.
41:11Last player standing wins.
41:13Greg's going to read a story out.
41:15OK.
41:15In the story, there will be colours.
41:17When you hear a colour, you've got to pop it.
41:19The last person to pop is out,
41:21or if you pop early, you're out.
41:23It might be a homophone of the colour.
41:25He might say the Isle of White,
41:27which is not spelt the same as the colour,
41:28but that would count.
41:29And how would you know that?
41:32LAUGHTER
41:32That...sorry, that would count.
41:35That would count.
41:36If anyone's worried about the banging of the balloons,
41:38we do have this,
41:38but it will interfere with the story, I suppose.
41:41Can I have them?
41:43Yeah, fair enough.
41:43So, just get ready and pop your biodegradable balloons.
41:46We're ready.
41:47It was the morning of the 46th birthday party
41:50of little Alex Horne.
41:52No-one was excited, but it was a beautiful day.
41:55The sky was clear, the sun was bright,
41:58and the grass was looking even more neatly mowed than usual.
42:04As is tradition, the party was held
42:06at his local Chesham bowling green.
42:09to start the party.
42:11LAUGHTER
42:14It's my outfit, damn it.
42:19Well, a couple of you might be out.
42:22Jason's burst two balloons.
42:23I was going for green and hit yellow by accident.
42:27Did he even say green?
42:29LAUGHTER
42:29I'm out.
42:32Yes, you're out.
42:32Jason doesn't appear to have many balloons left.
42:35LAUGHTER
42:36I'm going to have to pop these balloons now, OK?
42:40Can I turn around? Let me turn around.
42:41Yeah, you turn around.
42:41OK, go on then.
42:42APPLAUSE
42:43We have two people in last place.
42:49You ready?
42:49Yeah.
42:50To start the party, Alex read all of his birthday cards.
42:54It was from...
42:55APPLAUSE
42:57Yes.
42:59Yes.
43:00Oh.
43:02LAUGHTER
43:03LAUGHTER
43:04LAUGHTER
43:05It is my birthday.
43:08LAUGHTER
43:09Is that what you do when... I just got a bit horny.
43:17Incredibly, we're already at the final, Greg.
43:20Are you ready? Yes.
43:22One of his birthday cards was from the mayor
43:24and had all of his favourite fruits on.
43:26Apples, a bunch of bananas,
43:28and his favourite of the citrus family,
43:31a lovely round...
43:33grapefruit.
43:35Alex heard his phone ring.
43:37Yeah, he answered.
43:39It was his uncle.
43:41Calling to ask if Alex had opened his small, inexpensive gift.
43:45The signal wasn't great, so Alex had to yell,
43:48Oh, yes, I did, thank you.
43:55That's not a word!
43:58That's not a homophobic, that's two separate words.
44:01And I did it second, so I win.
44:04Sorry, I need this.
44:07I'm a support staff nearby.
44:10So the task was, pop the balloon when you hear its colour,
44:14and I guess he did say yellow.
44:16I clearly said yellow.
44:18Oh!
44:20I've accidentally...
44:22Oh, man!
44:24APPLAUSE
44:25What is that?
44:26Nice!
44:27I think he's so good.
44:28I mean, ironically, the most irritating thing he's done so far...
44:32Everybody!
44:36Whether it's a sicking, kind act of altruism or not,
44:40he popped his balloon, and so I guess that kindness should be rewarded
44:43and Stevie should get the point.
44:44Oh, there we go, Stevie gets five points!
44:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:48Come down here, and we'll add those to your final scores!
44:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:52And a lot happened in that task.
45:05Fatia did a listening task wearing ear defenders
45:07and still did just as bad as Jason.
45:09LAUGHTER
45:10They came joint fourth and get two points each.
45:13Yes!
45:14Then, of course, Rosie was in third, gets three points.
45:16Matthew's demanded to come in second, he gets four,
45:18so Stevie gets the five points.
45:19Well done, Stevie.
45:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:22I don't like it.
45:23I know.
45:24Well, I don't like it either,
45:25because it means the final league table looks like this.
45:28We have joint winners now!
45:30Oh, God!
45:31Rosie and...
45:33Jason.
45:34So we both get all the prizes?
45:35No, what we've got, Jason, is a hole punch tie-break.
45:39They had to make as many holes in a sheet of paper as possible,
45:42but could only use the hole punch once.
45:44Most holes wins.
45:45Let's see what happened.
45:48I don't know what I'm doing.
45:57How am I doing on time?
45:5830 seconds.
45:5910 seconds.
46:00Ah!
46:0434.
46:0534 holes.
46:0644.
46:0744 holes.
46:0944 plays 34.
46:11Jason wins the perfect!
46:12Jason and Jim just win!
46:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:17US!
46:18US!
46:19US!
46:20US!
46:21US!
46:22US!
46:23Please go and get us through some of the things you've bestowed
46:26in some will!
46:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:28So, what have we learnt today?
46:31Well, I guess we've learnt that people always try their best to be nice,
46:36to be considerate to others, but sometimes, when we put humans under extreme pressure,
46:41they reveal things that they don't want anyone to know about themselves.
46:45Maybe we're the monsters!
46:46Half done, half to go, but for now, it's all about Jason Mantzuka!
46:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:59I think we're one of the most 대해 ever.
47:00I think we're more than just we can try them now and which one's taken from our word,
47:01sayooooomaiiomaiiomaiiomaiiomaiiomaiiomaiiomaiiomaiiomaiiomaiiomaiiomaiiomaiiomaiiomaiiomaiiomaiiomaiiomaiiomaiiomaiiomaiiomaiiomaiiomaiiomaiiomaiiomai terrif sustainable and flremo-xy £10.