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eagle17
  • 5.6.2025

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00:00This was a mistake!
00:04Shut up!
00:14You're mad.
00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:34Thank you. Thank you.
00:36I'm Greg Davis and welcome to Taskmaster.
00:39It's episode six and unlike any of the meals my mother served me
00:42throughout my childhood, things are really hotting up.
00:45They've proved themselves to be resilient, clever,
00:47and unlike any of the food fed to me up until the age of 18,
00:50they have just the right amount of spice.
00:53Even some salt would have helped.
00:55For God's sake, old woman, put some salt in.
00:59It tastes of nothing!
01:03Sorry.
01:04Please welcome Fatia Al Gorey!
01:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:07Jason Mandzukas!
01:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:10Matthew Bainter!
01:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:13Rosie Ramsey!
01:15And Stevie Martin!
01:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:19And next to me, a man who told me privately
01:22that for him, sex is like Christmas.
01:25Once a year and involves the death of a turkey.
01:28LAUGHTER
01:29LAUGHTER
01:31Look at you, Lila Tess!
01:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:35Hello.
01:37You all right? Yes.
01:39I'm feeling pretty good because I sometimes find this quite stressful,
01:42the show. Yeah.
01:43Now, what I've done, to help me relax,
01:45I've got myself a brand new sex bot.
01:47So, erm...
01:48LAUGHTER
01:49The idea was to go back to the room after the show...
01:51LAUGHTER
01:53Get it going and that should just sort of relieve the tension.
01:56OK.
01:57I've got to say, I am genuinely surprised
01:59because he doesn't like talking about private things normally.
02:02What do you mean?
02:03Yeah, anything.
02:04Anything sexual.
02:05Sorry, I've got a brand new box set.
02:07I've got a brand new box set.
02:08I've got a brand new box set.
02:09LAUGHTER
02:10Happy Feet in March of the Penguin,
02:11so I'm really looking forward to that.
02:12Calm the nerves.
02:13So, erm...
02:14LAUGHTER
02:15LAUGHTER
02:16That's it.
02:17It was a box set, sex bot.
02:18That's the whole bit?
02:19LAUGHTER
02:20That's the whole...
02:21Keep moving.
02:22Keep it snappy. Let's go.
02:23Right, let's go.
02:24What's the prize task category, please, Alex?
02:26The category is the thing that is nicest to open.
02:29Greg's fly.
02:31LAUGHTER
02:32Jesus!
02:33LAUGHTER
02:34I realised...
02:35What's happened to you?
02:36I know, that sounded like I was saying Greg's fly
02:38is the nicest thing to open.
02:39What I meant is Greg is fly.
02:40He's stylish.
02:41He's cool.
02:42And I wonder what everyone's brought in.
02:43Let's find out.
02:44LAUGHTER
02:45Sweet save.
02:47Rosie Ramsey.
02:48Hello.
02:49What have you brought me?
02:50I have brought something that I adore,
02:52and every time I open it, I just feel happy.
02:54Oh, hello.
02:55OK.
02:56A jar of gherkins.
02:57LAUGHTER
03:00So you genuinely love gherkins?
03:01Love gherkins.
03:02And I do love opening a jar, like, without having to ask my husband.
03:06Oh!
03:07Mm.
03:08I went on a date with a woman who was much stronger than me once.
03:10Did you?
03:11And I didn't mind it.
03:12LAUGHTER
03:13You're welcome, honey.
03:15APPLAUSE
03:23Matthew, what have you brought us?
03:25A pop-up book.
03:27But not just any pop-up book.
03:29A Taskmaster pop-up book.
03:31Oh.
03:32LAUGHTER
03:33Here it is.
03:34There's your first open.
03:36GASP
03:37There's your second.
03:39Hang on.
03:40Where's Alex?
03:41There!
03:42APPLAUSE
03:43Is that the only spread?
03:45No, it's not!
03:46Where's Alex?
03:47Is he behind the door again?
03:49No!
03:50Where could he be?
03:52There!
03:53APPLAUSE
03:54Is that the last spread?
03:55No!
03:56There's one more!
03:57You can help me with this, Greg.
04:01It's little and it's all!
04:03Wow!
04:04APPLAUSE
04:05Great.
04:06It's incredible.
04:07It's lovely, Matthew.
04:08Stevie.
04:09Erm, so this is something that has been in my house for, well, it must be since February when we moved and sometimes I can't open jars.
04:26LAUGHTER
04:27And I haven't been able to open it, I've just been buying other peppers because I can't, I honestly can't open it.
04:34And what's nice to open is when someone goes, oh, can you get that? And if you can open it, that'll feel really nice for you.
04:40LAUGHTER
04:41Yeah, I'm tempted to, I'm tempted to call Rosie out on her power.
04:46I'm a bit sweaty.
04:47Have you genuinely tried to open it?
04:49This, yeah, really, really, it's been six, er, since I've been, oh, fuck it.
04:53LAUGHTER
04:54APPLAUSE
04:55One guy.
04:56It sounded nice.
04:57Does that feel nice?
04:58Smells nice.
04:59Shh!
05:00What one point?
05:02LAUGHTER
05:04I didn't realise this was a jar-based task.
05:07Nor did I.
05:09OK.
05:10Uh, Jason.
05:11All right, this is something that makes me happy when I open it,
05:15because it's something that is, that was mine.
05:17Here, let's, uh, let's see, hit it here.
05:19Aha!
05:20Right?
05:21It's a dog!
05:22LAUGHTER
05:23Except, actually, hold on a second.
05:25Can you open it, it's actually...
05:26Yes.
05:27Yeah.
05:28Second photo, here we go.
05:29Sorry, it's my dead dog's ashes.
05:31LAUGHTER
05:33So...
05:34So that's my dog, Turkey,
05:36and there is the urn with Turkey's ashes,
05:38and that's...
05:39Hang on, isn't that kind of a jar?
05:40LAUGHTER
05:41LAUGHTER
05:42LAUGHTER
05:43That's not going to be the worst jar,
05:46that's not dead dog in here!
05:48LAUGHTER
05:49The point is that, look, when he opens the box
05:51and he sees those ashes, I imagine it brings back
05:54so many happy memories.
05:55For me, it's nice because I get to visit with Turkey again.
05:58Do you have happy memories of frolicking through woodland
06:00with your peppers?
06:01LAUGHTER
06:03LAUGHTER
06:04OK, Fatia, what you brought?
06:06OK, so, the thing that I brought is very relaxing to take off.
06:10Off?
06:11Off.
06:12Oh.
06:13I don't think you haven't done it in a while,
06:14but you will do it more once we're married.
06:16LAUGHTER
06:18This is what you open to take off.
06:21LAUGHTER
06:23It's nice for me to open because it's relaxing,
06:25and it's nice for you to open because it's going to blow your mind.
06:28LAUGHTER
06:29Yes.
06:30APPLAUSE
06:31I've got to be honest, I am starting to feel hunted.
06:45LAUGHTER
06:46OK, OK.
06:47You're going to have to decide what is the least nice thing to open.
06:50Both jar ladies are taking the bottom slots.
06:52Yes.
06:53Without question.
06:54Now, whistle Stevie aboard for one point,
06:57and then we'll give Pickle Girl two points
06:59and she can thank me for them.
07:00Right, so one to Stevie, two for Rosie.
07:02Hey, no.
07:03Can't do it.
07:04I can't...
07:05I can't put a bra above the sweet, sweet memories of a dog.
07:08I can put a pop-up book above it.
07:10LAUGHTER
07:11So what are we saying, Greg?
07:12Three...
07:13four...
07:14five...
07:15Matthew Bainford.
07:16Done.
07:17Five points.
07:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
07:20Right.
07:21Do you have an incredibly irritating task to get us started?
07:25Hmm...
07:2667.
07:28MUSIC PLAYS
07:48Hello.
07:49Oh, my God.
07:50What's it with the hat business?
07:52Have you got a fetish or something?
07:54Hello, Rosie.
07:56Hello.
07:57Hello.
07:58You OK?
07:59Yep.
08:04Work out what Alex has on the very top of his head.
08:10The very top of your head must never be more than five foot six inches from the ground.
08:19How tall are you, Rosie?
08:20I'm five foot one.
08:21You're fine.
08:22So I'll be all right, aren't I?
08:23You may ask Alex yes or no questions.
08:26But Alex will only answer using his exciting new numbers system.
08:32Fastest wins.
08:33Your time starts now.
08:35Is it made of plastic?
08:38Five.
08:40Right.
08:42Is it fruit?
08:43Fifty-four.
08:44Four.
08:46This is awful.
08:50It's very exciting.
08:51Very exciting system.
08:53What did you say, Fastest?
08:54I wrote something you said.
08:55What sort of fetish have you been to?
08:57I'm only just realising how often you make things sexual.
09:01I'm a sexual woman.
09:03As is your right.
09:05OK.
09:07Who are we going to see first?
09:08Yes, well, let's see if they can find out what I had inside my head bowl.
09:11Let's start with Rosie, Ramsey, Stevie and Martin.
09:15Is your name Alex Horne?
09:17Seven.
09:19Is my name Stevie Martin?
09:21Fifty-three.
09:22Oh, yeah, so...
09:25Have I actually...
09:27Oh, is my name Colonel Begonia?
09:31Sixty-two.
09:32OK, so no is even.
09:35Yes is odd.
09:37Sixty-eight.
09:39Your head is too high.
09:41OK.
09:42I don't understand the number system at all.
09:44Right.
09:45Is it something to do with bingo?
09:47Bingo?
09:48Yeah.
09:49Ninety-nine.
09:50Is it a duck?
09:52Uh...
09:53Fifteen.
09:55What are you doing?
09:57You've just got to work out what's on the very top of my head.
10:02I think it's just a hat.
10:05Oh, is that a periscope?
10:06No.
10:07That's not real, is it?
10:09Not real?
10:10Give your head an oil.
10:12Is that a periscope?
10:15Oh, my God!
10:16I'm smashing it!
10:17Yeah, I mean, I can see you, but...
10:19I can't see what's in your hat.
10:21Wait.
10:23Oh!
10:25Behind...
10:27Behind Greg.
10:29What, this?
10:30This Greg?
10:33Woo!
10:34There's mirrors in it!
10:36Can I guess you mean to knock your hat off?
10:3983.
10:40Oh, my God!
10:41It's a grabber!
10:43I'm going to protect my eyes.
10:44OK.
10:46Ooh, jazzy.
10:48I don't know what to do with it!
10:52That's the knife!
10:54We've found my weakness, and it's pipes!
10:57Oh!
11:02Got it!
11:04Oh!
11:06It's a carrot!
11:07I've stopped the clock!
11:08Yay!
11:09I would never, ever, ever have got that.
11:12You did get it.
11:15Can I knock it off?
11:17Oh.
11:20Sorry, Alex.
11:21It's all right.
11:22It's a carrot!
11:23I've stopped the clock!
11:24I've never seen someone using a periscope like that before.
11:28APPLAUSE
11:30Pretty good.
11:31Pretty good start.
11:33Bet you loved this task, didn't you?
11:34No.
11:35Submarines?
11:36Beat me aboard.
11:38Whistle me aboard, Captain!
11:41Just to be clear, at no point did you try and use the periscope as a periscope?
11:45I've never used one before.
11:46I get my shipmates to do it.
11:49Rosie, absolutely no attempt at breaking the code whatsoever.
11:52No.
11:53No, I didn't even bother.
11:54The only question you asked was, is this bingo?
11:57LAUGHTER
11:58She was pretty swift before she went and got the grabber.
12:00Absolutely, both of them.
12:01Stevie, 6 minutes 53.
12:03Wow.
12:04Rosie, 6 minutes 35.
12:07Wow!
12:08Both quicker!
12:09APPLAUSE
12:11OK.
12:12Who is next?
12:13We'll leave Jason until the end, and boy, oh boy, does he know why.
12:16So, for now, here's Matthew and Fathu.
12:19Here we go.
12:21Are you a man?
12:2313.
12:25Are you a woman?
12:2712.
12:29OK, I think I've got it.
12:31Is it a banana?
12:3210.
12:33Is it a strawberry?
12:348.
12:3540.
12:3640.
12:37Yeah, what?
12:3840.
12:391-4.
12:40OK.
12:41I don't know what this number business is.
12:42No.
12:43OK.
12:45I was going to try and make it unsafe, and then you'd have to come down.
12:49Oh, I see.
12:50There's, like, sanitary towels in these shoes.
12:52Are you mad?
12:53Well, what are you going to do with the shoes?
12:55Throw them at you.
12:57No, these are heavy.
12:58I can't do that.
13:05OK.
13:17Behind?
13:18Behind Greg.
13:21Can you do the polvo?
13:24Stay there.
13:25Don't move.
13:26Yeah.
13:27You stay low.
13:28I won't hurt you, I promise.
13:31Right, we've reached the point now where I'm looking at it,
13:33and I don't know what it is.
13:36Stay there.
13:37I've barely super glued it on because you're twat, bro.
13:42See, it doesn't even move.
13:44I'm scared to hurt.
13:45Oh, here we go.
13:46It's the carrot.
13:47Stop the clock.
13:49What is on the top of my head?
13:50Something orange.
13:51Orange!
13:52Orange is on the top of your head.
13:54Orange, man!
13:55You must be more specific.
13:56Orange plastic or rubber?
13:58More specific.
14:01Right, let go.
14:04Oh, there it is.
14:05Stop moving.
14:06It's a carrot!
14:0889.
14:13What I find interesting is that when the idea of shoes being thrown at Alex
14:17to try and dislodge his head fence, I would have bet my life that Fatia
14:22would have been the one to actually throw the shoes.
14:24Quite a twist, yeah.
14:26Suddenly this monster appears.
14:29You've got the carrot, you've whacked his hat off with a snooker cue.
14:33Yeah.
14:34And actually quicker, 30 minutes 20 for Fatia, 40 minutes 20 for Matt.
14:38There we go.
14:39Good luck.
14:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
14:41Great.
14:42Well, that's the end of part one.
14:43See you back here soon.
14:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
14:54Welcome back to the start of part two.
14:57Yes.
14:58Now, before the break, they were trying to figure out what was on top
15:00of my head.
15:01I could only answer questions using my exciting new number system.
15:05Finally, it's Jason's turn.
15:07He's called me lots of things this series.
15:09Jerk off.
15:10Asshole.
15:11So here is some retribution.
15:15Is it produce?
15:1631.
15:17Is it grapes?
15:18Is it a banana?
15:19Sprouts.
15:20Grapefruit.
15:21Lettuce.
15:2228.
15:2360.
15:2425.
15:25Is it a lemon?
15:26Four.
15:27Is it a lime?
15:2814.
15:29Good Lord.
15:30Is it a pomegranate?
15:3115.
15:32Grapes?
15:3316.
15:34Is it a shoe?
15:35Is it a small house?
15:36Is it dirt?
15:3730.
15:38Is it a lemon?
15:3934.
15:40Is it a lemon?
15:4135.
15:42Is it lemon?
15:4336.
15:44Alex, is it a lemon?
15:4538.
15:46Let's see.
15:47This is just absurd.
15:48I'm ready to be here for the long run.
15:49This is going to be one of those ones where you're like, shockingly, Jason was doing this
15:52for 33 minutes.
15:54Is it corn?
15:5793.
15:58Is it a pear?
15:5914.
16:00Green.
16:0160.
16:02Boy, this numbers thing, I'm not good with this.
16:04No.
16:05Well, sorry.
16:06What do you mean, no?
16:07This is mad.
16:08What's on the very top of my head, Jason?
16:10I don't know anything more than I did at the minute I stopped reading this godforsaken
16:16task.
16:17Right.
16:18Okay.
16:19Alright, then I guess I'll move around.
16:21Yeah, that's right, everybody.
16:22Get the cameras.
16:23Let's go.
16:24Is it a seagull?
16:2660.
16:27Is it one of these gargoyles?
16:29Gargoyles!
16:30Man.
16:31Oh, Jesus Christ!
16:41Fine.
16:42No, see, this is not working.
16:43This isn't what I want it to be.
16:44It looks pretty close there.
16:45Yeah, no, I know.
16:46Okay.
16:47I'm not a fucking idiot, Alex.
16:48I know that I found the thing.
16:49Okay, now that can't...
16:50That's so difficult.
16:51Oh, boy, this is very difficult.
16:52Sorry, Alex.
16:53Man, what?
16:54I'm gonna try this again.
16:56Oh, is it green?
16:57A little bit.
16:58I mean, it's right.
16:59Wow.
17:00It's right there.
17:01Yeah.
17:02But what the hell is it?
17:03I can't make out what the hell that is at all.
17:04Is it carrot?
17:05Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
17:10I'm gonna try this again.
17:15Oh, is it green?
17:16A little bit.
17:17I mean, three.
17:19Wow.
17:20It's right there.
17:21Yeah.
17:22But what the hell is it?
17:23I can't make out what the hell that is at all.
17:25Is it carrot?
17:26Three.
17:29Or two.
17:30Or five.
17:31Or seven.
17:32Oh, did I guess it?
17:33You've completed the task.
17:34Oh, great.
17:35That's what I thought.
17:36Do you feel good?
17:37No.
17:38Let me be clear, Alex.
17:40I do not feel good.
17:42Well, thank you, Jason.
17:43All right.
17:50Might it be the longest time anyone's ever taken?
17:53It's got to be up there.
17:54It was one hour 40.
17:58One hour 40 minutes.
18:01I did this.
18:03These two have both done it in just under seven minutes.
18:07Somehow I had it in my mind.
18:09I had to crack the code.
18:11He asked 233 questions.
18:15How many of them were, is it a lemon?
18:17Do you want to give me a number between one and 233?
18:19We'll find out some of the questions.
18:20Sure.
18:21154?
18:22Well, that was quite a long one.
18:23What if I hopped the fence and went into the golf course and you never saw me again?
18:25LAUGHTER
18:26APPLAUSE
18:28We have, is it suffering?
18:29Is it Jesus Christ?
18:30Is this good television?
18:31Is it human teeth?
18:32There were so many.
18:33Come on, then, you nerds.
18:34What's the system?
18:35Very simple.
18:36It's no, it's a composite number.
18:37Yes, it's a prime number.
18:38Oh, I hate you even more.
18:39Because I would never have figured that out.
18:40No, we saw that.
18:41OK, what are the scores?
18:42Yes, well, Jason with his 100 minutes gets one point.
18:44Matt with 14 minutes, two points.
18:45Fatia, 30 minutes, three points.
18:46Stevie, just slower than Rosie, so you get four points, but Rosie Ramsey gets a full five points.
18:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
18:52HE SOUNDS
19:05Right, what are the scores, Alex?
19:06It's very, very close.
19:08Two points separating all five of them.
19:10Joint winners so far, Matt and Rosie on seven points.
19:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:15All right.
19:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:19Alright, I think we need a team task.
19:22Ooh, I do too. And aren't they all just one big happy family?
19:26LAUGHTER
19:28MUSIC PLAYS
19:40Matthew.
19:41Alex.
19:42Rosie.
19:43Alex.
19:44Fatia.
19:45Horn.
19:46LAUGHTER
19:47Great news.
19:48Oh, yeah?
19:49We've come up with a team name.
19:50Oh, that is good news.
19:51I've forgotten it, so you have to say it.
19:53J.V. Martzoukas.
19:54That was it.
19:55Hello, J.V. Martzoukas.
19:57Hello, Alex.
19:58There's a task for you there and a little camera.
19:59OK.
20:00Make yourselves look like one of you is the parent of the others,
20:05then capture your relationship with a classic family home video moment.
20:11Most believable family wins.
20:13You have 30 minutes.
20:14Your time starts now.
20:17This is fantastic.
20:18Oh, let me be the mom.
20:19Because you two are parents, I'm not, so let me be the parent.
20:21Is that alright?
20:22Does that make sense?
20:23Yeah.
20:24OK.
20:25What are those classic...
20:28Ooh.
20:29Are you teaching me how to, like, potty training?
20:31I'm dangling you over and you're pissing.
20:32Are you holding me over the toilet and I'm pissing and pooping?
20:36Can I...
20:37Uh...
20:38Do we have laxatives, Alex?
20:41We've got to do a play.
20:43A play?
20:44Like, put a musical on.
20:45It's not...
20:46Just, you know, when kids do, like, a show.
20:48Right.
20:49Buying an ice cream, playing...
20:50Playing in traffic.
20:51Can we play in traffic?
20:52No.
20:53Playing in traffic?
20:54OK.
20:5522 minutes.
20:56Oh, God, right, OK.
20:57So, let's go.
20:58Alright, let's go, let's go, let's go.
20:59APPLAUSE
21:02Just read me the task again.
21:04Make yourselves look like one of you is the parent of the others
21:06and capture a relationship with a classic family home video moment.
21:09And Jason's suggestion was playing in traffic.
21:13You guys don't do that?
21:14Yes.
21:15Oh, your country's so boring!
21:18Well, we're going to start with a team of two,
21:20and this one is actually far from ideal for me.
21:24.
21:27Bring the camera up, Denise.
21:28Bring it up, Denise.
21:29Right, have you got that?
21:30Yeah.
21:31Have you got it?
21:32Have you got it?
21:33I'm scared, Daddy.
21:34I'm scared!
21:35I can't do it!
21:36I can't do it!
21:37You can!
21:38I've got you!
21:39I've got you!
21:40Look, I've got you!
21:41Daddy's got you!
21:42Oh, Daddy, please!
21:43Don't let go, Daddy!
21:44Are you getting it?
21:45Are you getting this, Denise?
21:46I did it!
21:47Oh, God!
21:48No!
21:49I did it!
21:50I did it!
21:51No hands, love!
21:52No hands!
21:53You did it!
21:54Who's that man?
21:55What man?
21:56Was that man there?
21:58Daddy, who's that man?
22:00Oh, my God, it's a pervert!
22:03What?!
22:04I like the hairy girl!
22:07Get out of here!
22:08Get out of here now!
22:10Get him, Daddy!
22:11Get him!
22:12Get him!
22:13Get him!
22:14Get him!
22:15Get him!
22:16No!
22:17No!
22:18No!
22:19No!
22:20No!
22:21No!
22:22No!
22:23No!
22:24No!
22:25No!
22:26No!
22:27No!
22:28No!
22:29Can I just say something?
22:30When we run out, we all run out into, like, the rush hour traffic!
22:34Into the traffic!
22:35Wow!
22:36You've got it all!
22:37With insane energy, straight into people, like, at a stop sign.
22:41And you were like, oh, this is the old days!
22:44I feel like I'm back at home and I'm a kid running around the streets, baby!
22:49OK, I sort of bought it.
22:51You know, the touching moment of the hairy girl being taught to ride a bike.
22:54I'm just intrigued by, given the title, classic family video,
22:58of bringing the pervert into it.
23:01Well, it's in the 80s.
23:02Yeah.
23:03You know, it was a different time.
23:04Yep.
23:05So it was meant to be, like, an accidental snapshot into sexual politics,
23:09um...
23:10..of the decade.
23:11Classic.
23:12Yeah!
23:13OK, it's time for us to stop again.
23:15When you return, you'll see an entirely different family,
23:18but Alex will still be a pervert.
23:21Let me tell you, the book I'm going to write one day.
23:24We'll see you in a minute.
23:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
23:35Thank you!
23:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
23:38Welcome back to Taskmaster,
23:39where I'm looking forward to seeing the next team attempt.
23:42Now, we're after a classic family home video moment.
23:45Most believable family wins.
23:47So now it's Daddy Matt with his little girls, Fatia and Rosie.
23:50Merry Christmas, everybody.
23:52Christmas morning.
23:56The presents are out.
23:58Let's call the girls.
24:00Girls!
24:02Father Christmas has been!
24:04He's been!
24:06Yes!
24:07Merry Christmas!
24:08Merry Christmas!
24:12Merry Christmas, Patty!
24:14Now, girls, Patty in particular,
24:19remember what happened last year with the presents?
24:21I know that sometimes you can get a little bit jealous.
24:25Yes.
24:26And I just wanted to say
24:28that I've thought very carefully about these presents,
24:31and I thought as much as I could
24:34about things that you would really like, OK?
24:38Daddy doesn't have any favourites, Patty.
24:41Do I, Hattie?
24:42No, Daddy.
24:43So, are you ready?
24:46Open your presents!
24:48What have you got there?
24:49Oh!
24:50Oh!
24:51Look!
24:52Oh!
24:53Oh!
24:54Oh!
24:55Oh!
24:56Oh!
24:57Oh!
24:58Oh!
24:59Oh!
25:00Look!
25:01Oh!
25:02Oh!
25:03Oh!
25:04Oh!
25:05Oh!
25:06Oh!
25:07Oh!
25:08Oh!
25:09Oh!
25:10Oh!
25:11Oh!
25:12Oh!
25:13Oh!
25:14Oh!
25:15Oh, Patti, do you...
25:18Not again, Patti.
25:23Do you want the string, Patti?
25:25Oh, Patti.
25:27That's such good sharing and loving Patti and a present.
25:31Yeah, Patti, do you want my present?
25:33Is that what you want, Patti?
25:34Come on, Patti.
25:36Oh, I'm sorry, Patti, that means you have to have the scooter.
25:39Oh, no.
25:42I know you wanted the scooter.
25:43Don't do it, Patti.
25:44Don't do it.
25:45Don't do it.
25:49LAUGHTER
25:50APPLAUSE
26:02All right, well, here's a question I never thought I'd ask on television.
26:05What's with all the hairy women?
26:07LAUGHTER
26:10We needed some... Family resemblance.
26:12So we needed to look like him.
26:13Well, that's the obvious, yeah.
26:14So obviously the girl should be bearded.
26:16LAUGHTER
26:17Well, you assume it's because he's a single father.
26:19So they're just his?
26:21LAUGHTER
26:23Greg, it's most believable family wins.
26:26Yeah, well, obviously, it was the horrible, jealous daughter
26:29being manipulated by the admittedly creepy father.
26:32Right.
26:33It's slightly more...
26:34So we're giving five points for the team of three.
26:36LAUGHTER
26:37OK, how many points for the team of two?
26:38Four points.
26:39There we go, four points and five points.
26:40APPLAUSE
26:41What's next, then?
26:42Well, I do think it's time for some comeuppance.
26:50MUSIC
27:03Wow, Matthew Bainton.
27:04Wow, Alex Horne.
27:06Ooh!
27:07Please have a seat at the desk.
27:08Congratulations.
27:09Yes, congratulations.
27:10Did you graduate college?
27:11Yeah.
27:12What school?
27:13Cambridge University.
27:14What degree?
27:15Latin and Greek.
27:16OK.
27:17You were like,
27:18oh, whatever it is,
27:20it's got to be obsolete.
27:22Oh, I'd love to...
27:23I'd love to go to Cambridge
27:24and major in obsolescence.
27:27Teach the taskmaster's assistant
27:29a lesson he'll never forget.
27:31Ooh la la.
27:32Most memorable lesson wins.
27:34You have 20 minutes.
27:36Your time starts now.
27:38From what I know about how memory works,
27:41basically, if something's a little bit...
27:43..traumatic...
27:46..it sticks in your mind.
27:48LAUGHTER
27:49Tell me a fact,
27:50like, one of your favourite facts.
27:52Shall I get your levels?
27:53You get dogs in all different colours.
27:55That's definitely not.
27:59No?
28:00Do you remember in the olden days
28:01when it used to snow, like, up to your waist?
28:03Do you remember?
28:04Yeah.
28:05So, it was winter,
28:06like, it was snowing,
28:07and then these boys come and played
28:08Knock Down Ginger,
28:09and my dad chased them barefoot in his boxes,
28:12cos my dad's an animal.
28:14And that is the lesson.
28:15My dad is an animal.
28:17Right.
28:18That's the lesson.
28:19Was that the lesson?
28:20Yeah.
28:21It's not necessarily being...
28:22Is that not?
28:23..into my brain.
28:24Can I go think?
28:25You're just like all my old teachers.
28:26Yeah, am I?
28:28Sexy.
28:30OK.
28:31OK.
28:32APPLAUSE
28:38I'm excited to see Matthew deal with his minor childhood traumas.
28:42LAUGHTER
28:43And I'm very excited about learning more
28:45about how much of an underwear-wearing animal
28:47Fatty has dad is.
28:49I hope that features.
28:50Well, let's see.
28:51We're going to start with two lessons from Rosie and Matt.
28:55Open the hatch.
29:02Trow...down.
29:03Do you mean trousers?
29:04Yes, please.
29:07Down to your ankles, please.
29:08Yep, yep, you're doing.
29:09Thank you so much.
29:10Are you ready for your lesson on memory?
29:13When you get something wrong,
29:14that will happen.
29:17Right.
29:18That means you must dunk your head...
29:20...into the bin of water.
29:21We shall see if that jogs your memory.
29:23OK.
29:25Toilet drill.
29:26The cheeks parted.
29:28Wipe...until clean.
29:31What is the first step of creating a memory called?
29:35Perception.
29:41Keep up!
29:46It's called encoding horn.
29:47What's it called?
29:48Encoding.
29:50Down you go!
29:52Is it not called...
29:56Correct.
29:57It's called encoding.
30:00Part the cheeks.
30:01Part the cheeks.
30:02Wipe until clean.
30:07Don't look, you disgusting little boy.
30:09Put it in the bin.
30:10What part of the brain do the sensations travel to?
30:14Hippocampus.
30:16Down you go, horn!
30:20Do you hate yourself yet?
30:21We're clean.
30:22It is not clean.
30:26Well done, horn!
30:27It is the hippocampus.
30:28Was it?
30:29Oh, good.
30:31Oh, you are rotten to the core, aren't you?
30:35Oh, my God.
30:36What is the first step of creating a memory called?
30:39Encoding.
30:40What brain do the sensations travel to?
30:42Hippocampus.
30:43Very good.
30:44You may celebrate in the long...
30:47WHISTLE
30:48WHISTLE
30:49WHISTLE
30:51Yeah, I don't know.
30:55Matthew, was this monster based on someone from your life?
30:58Tell me no.
31:00The idea was not about reliving my childhood trauma.
31:02It was the theory that traumatic events, mildly traumatic events,
31:07stay in the brain.
31:08So that would be a lesson he wouldn't forget.
31:11But I would argue that perhaps we have a different understanding
31:14of the phrase mildly traumatic.
31:18Icy water.
31:19There was ice in the water, wouldn't there, Matt?
31:21Little bit.
31:23Did you feel like you were better equipped to wipe your own backside
31:26after Rosie's onslaught?
31:27I was confused.
31:29I'm sorry, Rosie, but you were sending mixed messages.
31:32Don't look at it, and he wiped it on my face at the end.
31:35I just got carried away.
31:38The thing is, growing up in this country,
31:40we all know a teacher who's not that far from those psychopaths.
31:43So, good. I enjoyed them both.
31:45OK. Want to see more?
31:46Yes.
31:47OK, yet more dignity for me now with lessons from Fatia and Stevie.
31:50Oh, God.
31:53I'm going to teach you a fact.
31:55The reason you'll never forget it
31:56is I'm going to ask you to write it out 50 times.
31:59That's cool. OK.
32:01You go over this side, and you go like that.
32:03You need to do your hands.
32:05Yeah?
32:07But you're not just stepping.
32:08I am.
32:10A fact I'd like you to write it, not there,
32:12I'd like you to write it on your person.
32:15On my body?
32:16That would be your person, wouldn't it?
32:18Some people take person as a euphemism for...
32:20Sorry, you call...
32:22Your penis, your little person.
32:23Some people do.
32:24Sure, you call it your little Alex on.
32:26You don't...
32:28It's like a pen.
32:29OK.
32:30You've got to be like a snake.
32:31Turn to your snake.
32:34That is not a snake.
32:36Oh, it's not bad.
32:38Shrimp's heart is located...
32:40In.
32:41Oh, I put on.
32:42I'm just going to shake your top.
32:44No, just your top.
32:46Not your...
32:48Eleven, right.
32:49I'm out of room there.
32:50Yeah.
32:51I'll give you some privacy.
32:53Still, still, still, still.
32:54Go.
32:56You've got to move not just your hands.
32:57You look like when you fry chips.
32:59Can you do it again?
33:01I haven't got those things.
33:03You don't need those things to do it.
33:07I hate to alarm you, but you probably will have to take your trousers off.
33:11I've been CRB checked, it's fine.
33:13Stay still here, go on.
33:15That's it.
33:19We're on 42.
33:20Yeah.
33:21This is 46.
33:23Do whales have legs in their stomachs?
33:26That's it now, your fully-fledged Moroccan dancer.
33:29OK, then.
33:30Yalla, you ready?
33:31Yalla, I'm ready.
33:32Yalla, wahid, zhuzh, clata.
33:41Right leg, good.
33:42Hit.
33:43Hit.
33:44Yay!
33:45Woo!
33:47Right!
33:48Woo!
33:52OK, a shrimp's head.
33:53Is it a shrimp's head?
33:54Oh, no, it's a heart.
33:55Yeah, of course it is.
33:56I forgot on the last one.
33:58Can you repeat the fact to me now?
34:01A shrimp's heart is located in its head.
34:03Congratulations, you've learnt your lesson.
34:06Get cleaned up.
34:10Yeah.
34:15Well, is the shrimp fact true?
34:17Yeah.
34:18Absolutely true.
34:19And the whale fact?
34:20Yes, so...
34:21They've got legs in their stomach.
34:22They used to have legs.
34:24So if I cut a whale up, there'll be a big leg in there?
34:26No, it's like a human's leg.
34:28Just like a nub of a bone that is still there from when they used to be mammals.
34:33I just like the idea there's one big leg and they were bouncing around.
34:35I like that idea as well.
34:36I didn't think about the essential element.
34:38That's true.
34:39I thought it had an...
34:40In my head, it's got a boot on it.
34:41Yeah.
34:43But I know it doesn't.
34:44But...
34:45Yeah.
34:46Yeah.
34:47But yeah, I found watching you teach him genuinely quite sweet.
34:50And I thought the result was actually quite good.
34:53Oh!
34:56And it worked.
34:57You were encouraging and I wanted to please you.
34:59Oh, did you?
35:00Oh, he's dead.
35:04Break time.
35:05When we return, we'll finally find out who's going home with a bra,
35:09a dead dog's ashes and a jar of gherkins.
35:12Or as my uncle used to call it, foreplay.
35:27Hello again!
35:28Part four, is it then?
35:29Yes, it is, Greg.
35:30Keep up, mate.
35:31The contestants are all teaching me lessons.
35:34For example, I now know how to wipe myself and belly dance.
35:38Time for my final lesson now and it's with Hollywood hotshot Jason Mantzoukas.
35:43It occurs to me that you need to be a little bit more assertive.
35:48But first, I need to see you a little bit in your natural environment.
35:52Let's go.
35:53Yeah, let's do it.
35:54Right.
35:55Jenny.
35:56Here's your tea, Alex.
35:57Ooh.
35:58That's so nice of you.
36:00You're welcome.
36:01That's amazing.
36:02Thanks.
36:03Bye-bye.
36:04Hello, Alex.
36:05Hi, Becky.
36:06We're getting sandwiches for lunch today.
36:07What would you like?
36:08Sandwiches, anything at all.
36:10Honestly, whatever's easiest for you.
36:13Mmm.
36:14Oh.
36:15Hi, Alex.
36:16Amy.
36:17Amy, this looks amazing.
36:18Oh, thanks.
36:19That is so...
36:20It's just right.
36:21That's perfect.
36:23How are you feeling?
36:24It's been a tough time, to be honest.
36:25Yeah.
36:26The scans came back.
36:27The doctor said they were inconclusive.
36:28Oh, not inconclusive.
36:29Yeah.
36:30I'm just so grateful to be here.
36:31Whatever it takes.
36:32Honestly, you're such a crucial part of the team.
36:35Oh.
36:37Okay.
36:38I think I've seen everything I need to see.
36:39Let's go.
36:40Okay, that was terrible.
36:41Really?
36:42I didn't like that at all.
36:43I thought it was good.
36:44What you understand is that these people work for you so you should be polite to them?
36:50Wrong.
36:51It doesn't matter how you treat them.
36:53They are things.
36:55You only focus on what matters to you.
36:58Me.
36:59Alex Horne.
37:00Number one.
37:01Everyone else?
37:02The things.
37:03Who the fuck cares?
37:04These are tools in your toolbox to make this glorious show.
37:09Let's do this.
37:10Here's your tea, Alex.
37:11Thing?
37:12Yes.
37:13Yes.
37:14It's the wrong shade.
37:15What do you like for lunch today?
37:16I want goose.
37:17And jelly.
37:18Ha-ha-ha!
37:19Oh, what's this?
37:20That looks absolutely stupid.
37:22What the fuck is that?
37:23What do you like for lunch today?
37:24I want goose.
37:25And jelly.
37:26Ha-ha-ha!
37:27Ha-ha-ha!
37:28Ha-ha-ha!
37:29Ha-ha-ha!
37:30Ha-ha-ha-ha!
37:31Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
37:32Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
37:33Oh, what's this?
37:35That looks absolutely stupid.
37:38What the frick is this?
37:40Freak?
37:41Hey, hey, what are you doing?
37:42You're a bad boy.
37:43You're...
37:44Alex.
37:45What the fuck is this?
37:46Yes!
37:47Yes!
37:48Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
37:49Yes!
37:50Yes!
37:51Ah, shit!
37:52I'm so sorry, Alex.
37:53What do you want?
37:54You're fired!
37:55Ooh!
37:56You're never here anyway.
37:57You're always going to the hospital.
37:58Go!
37:59Quicker!
38:00Quicker!
38:01Let's get her.
38:02You're a pain in the ass!
38:04A pain right in my...
38:05What is this?
38:06What is this?
38:07Who are you?
38:08Off you go!
38:09Bye-bye!
38:10Bye-bye!
38:11Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
38:12Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait.
38:14You forgot your bag!
38:20That was great.
38:22Fuck you!
38:23Oh!
38:24Who has become...
38:26The master.
38:27Bye-bye.
38:28APPLAUSE
38:35I am a bit shocked by how well you took that on.
38:38Yeah.
38:39I've learnt a lesson looking at that.
38:41It's not ideal.
38:42It's not ideal.
38:43But you do feel a lot of those things in private, I know.
38:47It did take quite a bit to get him there.
38:50From Frick to Fuck was a huge transition.
38:53LAUGHTER
38:54Yeah.
38:55From Frick to Fuck.
38:56That's your autobiography title, sir.
38:58LAUGHTER
39:01But I do want to apologise to the members of the team.
39:03Don't ruin it now.
39:05They're things.
39:06LAUGHTER
39:07The tools in the toolbox!
39:09What?
39:10Who was the best tutor?
39:12Yeah, I'd say Jason leading me by the hand and shouting in my face worked a bit.
39:16A bit?
39:17But it was the warmth of Fatih that I responded to most.
39:20Wow.
39:21Fatih, you're about to get five points for being nice.
39:24LAUGHTER
39:25This is going to...
39:26Really?
39:27..fuck your brand.
39:28LAUGHTER
39:33So, Fatih gets five points for being nice.
39:35Jason gets four points for coercing a monster from you.
39:39LAUGHTER
39:40So, shrimp or poo?
39:42Or cruelty?
39:43LAUGHTER
39:44They were all much of a muchness, if I'm completely honest.
39:46Three points each?
39:47OK.
39:48Fair enough.
39:49CHEERING
39:50APPLAUSE
39:53Hey, should you take a peek at those scores?
39:55Yes, well, the series scores are in.
39:57And there's two people in the 90s.
39:58Rosie's on 90, Matt on 99, the series...
40:01CHEERING
40:06But in this episode, she's just so lovely.
40:07She's in the lead with 16 points.
40:08It's Fatih El Ghori!
40:10CHEERING
40:11So sweet, so kind, so in the lead.
40:18OK, it's time.
40:20Please head to the stage for the final task of the show!
40:23CHEERING
40:30Hello, honey pie.
40:31I like the hairy girl.
40:34Who's going to be the task out?
40:35Jason, today, please.
40:37Don't blow the last thing off the table.
40:42If you don't blow anything off the table, you are eliminated.
40:46If you do blow the last thing off the table, you are eliminated.
40:49You must stay on the spot and you must not touch the table.
40:53Last player standing wins.
40:55Yes, there will be four rounds of this.
40:57In each round, there will be a different lot of things
40:59on that table there.
41:00One at a time, you'll come to the spot,
41:02something has to fall off the table,
41:04but if everything goes, you're out.
41:06And ultimately, if there's only one thing left,
41:08that person's out.
41:09That is checkmate.
41:10Prepare the table.
41:15I knew it.
41:16It's feathers.
41:17I knew it.
41:18So at least one feather must leave.
41:20We're going to go from right to left.
41:21We're starting with Stevie.
41:22Watch me fuck this up so bad now.
41:25That's the sort of confidence you get in the Navy.
41:28LAUGHTER
41:30OK.
41:31One blow pass.
41:32Yeah.
41:33Yeah, all right.
41:34APPLAUSE
41:35Just...
41:36Bloody hell.
41:37It was touch and go, though, wasn't it?
41:38No.
41:39I knew what I was doing.
41:40I was building tension.
41:41LAUGHTER
41:42Rosie's up next.
41:43Lovely.
41:44Absolutely lovely.
41:45That's his turn.
41:46Oh!
41:47Oh!
41:48Oh!
41:49Oh!
41:50Oh!
41:51Oh!
41:52Oh!
41:53Oh!
41:54Oh!
41:55That was bold.
41:56That was bold.
41:57That was bold.
41:58Up it comes, Jason Manzakis.
41:59APPLAUSE
42:00Oh!
42:01Oh!
42:02Oh!
42:03Oh!
42:04Oh!
42:05Oh!
42:06Oh!
42:07Oh!
42:08Oh!
42:09Oh!
42:10Oh!
42:11Oh!
42:12Oh!
42:13Oh!
42:14Oh!
42:15Oh!
42:16Good luck, Fatia.
42:19Oh!
42:20Oh!
42:21Yeah!
42:22That was good.
42:23Not a lot left up there.
42:24Not a lot left.
42:25Wow.
42:26BUZZER
42:28Yeah.
42:29Oh!
42:30Oh!
42:31Oh!
42:32Oh!
42:33Oh!
42:34Oh!
42:35Oh!
42:36Oh!
42:37Oh!
42:38Oh!
42:39Oh!
42:40Oh!
42:41Oh!
42:42Oh!
42:43Oh!
42:44Wow!
42:45Just going to...
42:46Oh, we're easier.
42:47There's two there.
42:48There's two there.
42:49LAUGHTER
42:50Oh!
42:51Oh!
42:52Oh!
42:53Oh!
42:54BUZZER
42:55BUZZER
42:56BUZZER
42:57BUZZER
42:58BUZZER
42:59BUZZER
43:00Who's worse?
43:01Well done!
43:02Well done!
43:03Oh!
43:04Well done.
43:05Well done.
43:06Well done.
43:07Well done.
43:08Well done.
43:09OK.
43:10Round two.
43:11Little pictures of...
43:12of Greg.
43:14OK.
43:15Blow me, Jason.
43:16Happily, my friend.
43:17BUZZER
43:18BUZZER
43:19BUZZER
43:20BUZZER
43:21OK.
43:22APPLAUSE
43:23BUZZER
43:25Lovely.
43:26BUZZER
43:27BUZZER
43:28One word.
43:29One word.
43:30APPLAUSE
43:31BUZZER
43:37BUZZER
43:38BUZZER
43:39BUZZER
43:40BUZZER
43:41BUZZER
43:42BUZZER
43:43I get it.
43:44I didn't mean to.
43:45I didn't mean to.
43:46of someone trying a double blow in this competition.
43:49Natalie.
43:51Ah.
44:00Lovely.
44:02Lovely.
44:03Yeah.
44:08No, no, no.
44:10Yeah.
44:15One at a time, why not?
44:16Why not?
44:17We're up in the professional league now.
44:22That'll do.
44:24Tickle, mate.
44:25Very tickle.
44:33That was tactical play.
44:35Lovely.
44:36Yeah.
44:39Yeah.
44:48Who's watching Andy?
44:53Here we go.
44:54Final round.
44:55Oh.
44:56Can I speak for all of us and say,
44:58I can't believe this is watchable.
45:01And yet everyone riveted.
45:03Ooh.
45:06Here we go.
45:07Here we go.
45:13You can see why they're in the final.
45:18Ooh, it's nearly two breaths.
45:20How was it nearly two breaths?
45:21Well, it was one.
45:25Oh, I hate you so much.
45:30Ooh.
45:31Now we're interested.
45:32Now we're playing.
45:33Now we're playing.
45:34Now we're playing the power.
45:39Ooh.
45:40He's left it open now.
45:41He's left it open.
45:42He's left it open.
45:48Oh!
45:50Oh!
45:51Problems.
45:52Problems.
45:53Problems.
45:54That's problem for Fatia, right?
45:55Yeah, it feels like it.
45:56It's tremendous.
45:57Oh!
45:58Oh!
46:03In second place, Fatia Ogori.
46:04And the winner of the face of Madison Girls!
46:06Come down and join me with that match for the final score!
46:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:19Well, well, well.
46:20Yes.
46:21Like a lot of things in this show, surprisingly watchable.
46:23Really good.
46:24Mm.
46:25Matt, unfortunately, out first gets the one point.
46:27Two to Stevie, three to Rosie.
46:28Then it was between Fatia and Jason at the end.
46:30Four to Fatia.
46:31Jason won it and gets the five points.
46:33So well done, Jason Manziel.
46:34Yeah.
46:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:37But how does it affect the overall scores, Greg?
46:39I don't know.
46:40You won't believe it.
46:41They've now all got even-numbered scores.
46:43I love it.
46:44Stevie on the bottom with 14.
46:46At the other end, with 20 points, for the first time,
46:49it's Fatia!
46:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:54Fatia Ogori Williams!
46:56Please close the show by opening your things there.
46:59Nice work hard!
47:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE