Taskmaster - S19 E06 - It's Got to Be Obsolete
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00This was a mistake
00:30It's episode six and unlike any of the meals my mother served me throughout my childhood things are really hotting up
00:44They've proved themselves to be resilient clever and unlike any of the food fed to me up until the age of 18
00:50They have just the right amount of spice
00:53Even some salt would have helped for God's sake old woman
00:57But some salt it it tastes of nothing
01:02Sorry
01:20He told me privately that for him sex is like Christmas
01:24Once a year and involves the death of a turkey
01:39Yes, I'm feeling pretty good. I sometimes find this quite stressful the show
01:42Yeah, and now what I've done to help me relax. I've got myself a brand new sex bot. So
01:48The idea was to go back to the room after the show
01:53Get it going and I should just relieve the tension, okay
01:57I've got to say I am genuinely surprised because he doesn't like talking about private things
02:02What do you mean?
02:03What do you mean?
02:04Yeah, anything. Anything sexual, interesting
02:06Sorry, I've got a brand new box set. I've got a brand new box set
02:08I've got a brand new box set
02:10I was happy for you in March of the Penguin, so I'm really looking forward to that
02:12Calm the nerves, so
02:14God
02:16That's it. It was a box set, a sex bot
02:18That's the whole bit
02:20That's the whole bit
02:22Keep it snappy. Let's go, right. Let's go. What's the prize task category, please Alex?
02:26The category is the thing that is nicest to open
02:30Greg's fly
02:32Jesus!
02:33I'm sorry
02:34I realised
02:35What happened to you?
02:36I know that sounded like I was saying Greg's fly is the nicest thing to open
02:39What I meant is Greg is fly. He's stylish. He's cool
02:41And I wonder what everyone's brought in. Let's find out
02:45Sweet save
02:47Rosie Ramsey. Hello. What have you brought me?
02:49I have brought something that I adore and every time I open it I just feel happy
02:53Oh hello
02:54OK
02:55A jar of gherkins
02:57Ohhhh
02:59So you genuinely love gherkins?
03:01Love gherkins and I do love opening a jar like without having to ask my husband
03:05Oh
03:07I went on a date with a woman who was much stronger than me once
03:10Did you?
03:11And I didn't mind it
03:12You're welcome honey
03:15LAUGHTER
03:16APPLAUSE
03:17Matthew, what have you bought us?
03:18A pop-up book. But not just any pop-up book. A Taskmaster pop-up book.
03:32Here it is. There's your first open. There's your second. Hang on. Where's Alex?
03:41Is that the only spread? No, it's not. Where's Alex? Is he behind the door again? No. Where could he be?
03:56Is that the last spread? No, there's one more. You can help me with this Greg.
04:01It's little Lally Tom!
04:03LAUGHTER
04:04Wow.
04:05APPLAUSE
04:07Great.
04:10Erm, it's incredible.
04:12It's lovely, Matthew.
04:14Erm, Stevie.
04:15Erm, so this is erm, something that has been in my house for...
04:20Well, it must be since February when we moved.
04:23And sometimes I can't open jars.
04:26LAUGHTER
04:27And I haven't been able to open it.
04:29I've just been buying other peppers because I can't...
04:32I honestly can't open it.
04:34And what's nicest to open is when someone goes,
04:36Oh, can you get that?
04:37And if you can open it, that'll feel really nice for you.
04:40LAUGHTER
04:42I'm tempted to... I'm tempted to call Rosie out on her power.
04:46I'm a bit sweaty.
04:47Have you genuinely tried to open it?
04:48This is... Yeah, really, really, it's been six...
04:51Er, since I've been...
04:52Oh, fuck.
04:53LAUGHTER
04:54APPLAUSE
04:55One guy.
04:56It sounded nice.
04:57Does that feel nice?
04:58Smells nice.
04:59Shh!
05:00What? One point?
05:02LAUGHTER
05:04I didn't realise this was a jar-based task.
05:07Nor did I.
05:09OK.
05:10Er, Jason.
05:11All right.
05:12This is something that makes me happy when I open it
05:15because it's something that is... that was mine.
05:18Here, let's... let's see.
05:19Hit it here.
05:20Ah-ha!
05:21Right?
05:22It's a dog!
05:23LAUGHTER
05:24Except, actually, hold on a second.
05:25Can you open it?
05:26It's actually...
05:27Yes.
05:28Yeah.
05:29Second photo, here we go.
05:30Sorry, it's my dead dog's ashes.
05:32LAUGHTER
05:34So...
05:35So that's my dog, Turkey,
05:36and there is the urn with Turkey's ashes,
05:38and that's...
05:39Hang on, isn't that kind of a jar?
05:41LAUGHTER
05:43I'm running!
05:45That would be the worst job!
05:46I'm from dead dog in here!
05:48LAUGHTER
05:49The point is that, look,
05:50when he opens the box and he sees those ashes,
05:52I imagine it brings back so many happy memories.
05:55For me, it's nice because I get to visit with Turkey again.
05:58Do you have happy memories of frolicking through woodlands
06:00with your peppers?
06:01LAUGHTER
06:03OK.
06:04Fatia, what you brought?
06:06OK, so, the thing that I brought is very relaxing to take off.
06:10Off?
06:11Oh.
06:12Yeah, you...
06:13I don't think you haven't done it in a while,
06:14but you will do it more once we're married.
06:16LAUGHTER
06:18This is what you open to take off.
06:21LAUGHTER
06:23It's nice for me to open because it's relaxing,
06:25and it's nice for you to open because it's going to blow your mind.
06:28LAUGHTER
06:30I've got to be honest, I am starting to feel hunted.
06:45LAUGHTER
06:47You're going to have to decide what is the least nice thing to open.
06:50Both jar ladies are taking the bottom slots.
06:52Yes.
06:53Without question.
06:54Five.
06:55Now, whistle Stevie aboard for one point,
06:57and then we'll give Pickle Girl two points
06:59and she can thank me for them.
07:00Right, so one to Stevie, two for Rosie.
07:02Hey, no.
07:03I can't do it.
07:04I can't...
07:05I can't put a bra above the sweet, sweet memories of a dog.
07:08I can put a pop-up book above it.
07:10LAUGHTER
07:11So what are we saying, Greg?
07:12Three...
07:13Four...
07:14Five...
07:15Matthew Bainfield.
07:16Done.
07:17Five points.
07:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
07:20Right.
07:22Do you have an incredibly irritating task to get us started?
07:26Hmm...
07:2767.
07:29LAUGHTER
07:30Hello.
07:31Oh, my God.
07:32What's it with the hat business?
07:33Have you got a fetish or something?
07:34LAUGHTER
07:35Hello, Rosie.
07:36Hello.
07:37You OK?
07:38Yep.
07:39Work out what Alex has on the very top of his head.
07:43The very top of your head must never be empty at her.
07:45You OK?
07:46LAUGHTER
07:47MUSIC
07:48SINGLE
07:49Hello.
07:49Oh, my God.
07:50SINGLE
07:52SINGLE
07:53MUSIC
07:54SINGLE
07:54MUSIC
07:55SINGLE
07:55Hello, Rosie.
07:56Hello.
07:57You OK?
07:58Yep.
08:01MUSIC
08:02MUSIC
08:06Work out what Alex has on the very top of his head.
08:09MUSIC
08:09MUSIC
08:10MUSIC
08:12MUSIC
08:13more than five foot six inches from the ground how tall are you i'm five foot one you're fine
08:21so i'll be all right aren't i you may ask alex yes or no questions but alex will only answer
08:27using his exciting new numbers system fastest wins your time starts now is it made of plastic
08:37five right is it fruit 54. this is awful
08:49it's very exciting very exciting what did you say i wrote something you said what sort of fetish
08:56could you be into i'm only just realizing how often you make things sexual i'm a sexual woman
09:01as is your right okay who are we going to see first yes well let's see if they can find out
09:09what i had inside my head bowl let's start with rosie ramsay stevie and martin is your name alex
09:15horn seven is my name stevie martin 53. oh yeah so have i actually oh is my name colonel begonia
09:3062. okay so no is even yes is odd 68. your head is too high okay i don't understand the number system
09:43at all right is something to do with bingo bingo yeah 99. is it a duck uh 15.
09:53what are you doing what are you doing you've just got to work out what's on the very top of my head
10:02i think it's just a hat
10:04oh is that a periscope no that's not real is it
10:08not real keep your head loyal
10:12is that a periscope oh my god i'm smashing it yeah i mean i can see you but i can't see what's in your hat
10:21wait wait oh behind behind greg what this this greg
10:33whoo he's moving in it can i guess you mean to not get a hat up 83 oh my god it's a grabber
10:42i'm gonna protect my eyes okay oh jazzy
10:46i don't know what to do
10:52that's the night we've found my weakness and it's pipes
11:02got it oh it's a carrot i've stopped the clock yay i would never ever ever have got that you did get it
11:12can i knock it off oh
11:19sorry alec it's all right it's a carrot i've stopped the clock
11:25i've never seen someone using your periscope like that before
11:27it's pretty good it's pretty good it's pretty good fun
11:33bet you loved this cast didn't you no submarines
11:38whistle me aboard captain
11:41just to be clear at no point did you try and use the periscope as a periscope
11:44i've never used one before i get my shipmates to do it
11:47i don't know what to do it
11:50rosie absolutely no attempt at breaking the code whatsoever no i didn't even bother
11:54the only question you asked was is this bingo
11:58she was pretty swift before she went and got the grabber absolutely both of them stevie
12:01six minutes 53 got the carrot rosie six minutes 35
12:06wow we're gonna leave jason until the end and boy oh boy does he know why so for now here's
12:17matthew and fathew here we go are you a man 13 are you a woman 12
12:28okay i think i've got it is it a banana 10 is it a strawberry eight cherry 40 40 40 40
12:36yeah what 40 14 okay i don't know what this number business is okay
12:45i'm gonna try to make it unsafe and then you'd have to come down oh i see
12:50there's like sanitary towels in these shoes are you mad well what are you gonna do with the shoes
12:55throw them at you no these are heavy i can't do that
12:58yeah
13:05okay
13:05yeah behind greg
13:18can you do the pole vault
13:24stay there don't move yeah well you stay low
13:28i won't hurt you i promise
13:31right we've reached the point now where i'm looking at it and i don't know what it is
13:35stay there i bet you super glued it on because you're twat bro
13:39see it doesn't even move i'm scared to hurt oh here we go it's a carrot stop the clock
13:47what is on the top of my head something orange orange is on top of your head orange man you must
13:55be more specific orange plastic or rubber more specific right let go
14:04oh there it is stop moving it's a carrot 89
14:08what i found interesting is that when the idea of shoes being thrown at alex to try and
14:18dislodge his head fence i would have bet my life that fatia would have been the one to actually
14:23throw the shoes quite a twist yeah suddenly this monster appeared you've got the carrot you
14:31whacked his hat off with a snooker cue yeah and actually quicker 13 minutes 20 for fatia 40 minutes
14:3720 for matt there we go good luck right well that's the end of part one see you back here soon
14:54welcome back to the start of part two yes now before the break they were trying to figure out
15:00what was on top of my head i can only answer questions using my exciting new number system
15:04finally it's jason's turn he's called me lots of things this series jerk off
15:10asshole so here is some retribution
15:15is it produce 31 is it grapes is it a banana sprouts grapefruit lettuce 28 60 25
15:24is it a lemon four is it a lime 14 good lord is it a pomegranate 15 grapes 16 is it a shoe is it a
15:32small house is it dirt 30 is it a lemon 34 is it a lemon 35 is it lemon 36 alex is it a lemon 38
15:43let's see this this is just absurd i'm ready to be here for the long run this is going to be one
15:49of those ones where you're like shockingly jason was doing this for 33 minutes
15:53is it corn 93 is it a pear 14 green 60 boy this numbers thing i'm not good with this no well sorry
16:05what do you mean no this is mad what's on the very top of my head jason i don't know anything more than i
16:12did at the the minute i stopped reading this god forsaken task right okay all right then i guess
16:20i'll move around yeah that's right everybody get the cameras let's go is it a seagull 60. is it one of
16:28these gargoyles oh jesus christ fine
16:48no see this is not working that's what i want it to be it looks pretty close there yeah no i know
16:53okay i'm not a fucking idiot alex i know that i found the thing okay now that can't that's so
17:01difficult oh boy this is very difficult sorry man what i'm gonna try this again
17:15oh is it green a little bit i mean three
17:17wow wow it's right there yeah but what the hell is it i can't make out what the hell that is at all
17:24is it a carrot three or two or five or seven oh oh did i guess it you've completed the task oh great
17:34that's what do you feel good no no let me be clear alex i do not feel good well thank you jason all right
17:47might it be the longest time anyone's ever taken it's got to be up there it was one hour 40
17:57one hour 40 minutes i did this these two have both done that in just under seven minutes
18:07somehow i had it in my mind i had to crack the code he asked 233 questions how many of them were is it a
18:16lemon do you want to give me a number between one and 233 we'll find out some of the questions
18:20sure 154 well that was quite a long one what if i hopped the fence and went into the golf course and
18:24you never saw me again we have is it suffering is it jesus christ is this good television is it human
18:35teeth there were so many come on then you nerds what's the system very simple it's no it's a composite
18:42number yes it's a prime oh i hate you even more because i would never have figured that out no we
18:49saw that okay what are the scores yes well jason with his 100 minutes gets one point matt with 14
18:57minutes two points fatia 30 minutes three points stevie just slower than rosie so you get four points
19:02but rosie ramsey gets the full five points
19:04right what are the scores alex it's very very close two points separating all five of them
19:13joint winners so far matt and rosie on seven points
19:18all right i think we need the team task oh i do too and aren't they all just one big happy family
19:34happy alex rosie alex fatia horn great news oh yeah we've come up with a team name oh that is
19:50good news i've forgotten it so you have to say it jv martzoukas that was it hello jv martzoukas hello
19:56alex there's a task for you there and a little camera make yourselves look like one of you is the
20:03parent of the others then capture your relationship with a classic family home video moment most
20:11believable family wins you have 30 minutes your timer starts now this is fantastic oh let me be the
20:18mom because you two are parents i'm not so let me be the parent is that all right does that make sense
20:23yeah okay what are those classic oh like you teaching me how to like potty training i'm dangling
20:31you over and you're pissing over the toilet and i'm pissing and pooping can i uh do we have laxatives alex
20:41we've got to do a play play like put a musical on us not just you know when kids do like a show
20:48right buying ice cream playing playing in traffic can we play in traffic no no 22 minutes oh god right
20:56okay so let's go all right let's go let's go let's go just read me the task again make yourselves look
21:05like one of you as a parent of the others and capture your relationship with a classic family home
21:08video moment and jason's suggestion was playing in traffic you guys don't do that yes oh your country's
21:16so boring well we're going to start with a team of two and this one is actually far from ideal for me
21:27bring the camera up to nice bring it up to nice right have you got that yeah
21:30if you've got it
21:44I did it! I did it!
21:46I did it!
21:48I did it!
21:50I did it!
21:52No hands!
21:54Who's that man?
21:56What man?
21:58Was that man there?
22:00Daddy, who's that man?
22:02Oh my God, it's a pervert!
22:04What?!
22:06I like the hairy girl!
22:08Get out of here!
22:10Get out of here now!
22:12Get out of here!
22:14Get out of here!
22:16Get out of here!
22:28Can I just say something?
22:30When we ran out, we ran out into like the rush hour traffic.
22:34Into the traffic!
22:36With insane energy straight into people like at a stop sign.
22:40And you were like,
22:42Oh, this is the old days!
22:44I feel like I'm back at home and I'm a kid running around the streets, baby!
22:48OK, I sort of bought it.
22:50You know, the touching moment of the hairy girl being taught to ride a bike.
22:54I'm just intrigued by giving the title classic family video of bringing the pervert into it.
23:00Well, it's in the 80s.
23:02Yeah.
23:03You know, it was a different time.
23:04Yep.
23:05So it was meant to be like an accidental snapshot into sexual politics of the decade.
23:10Classic.
23:11Yeah!
23:12OK, it's time for us to stop again.
23:14When you return, you'll see an entirely different family.
23:18But Alex will still be a pervert.
23:20Let me tell you, the book I'm going to write one day.
23:24We'll see you in a minute.
23:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
23:35Thank you!
23:38Welcome back to Taskmaster where I'm looking forward to seeing the next team attempt.
23:42Now, we're after a classic family home video moment.
23:45Most believable family wins.
23:47So now it's Daddy Matt with his little girls, Fatia and Rosie.
23:50Merry Christmas, everybody.
23:52Christmas morning.
23:55The presents are out.
23:57Let's call the girls.
23:59Girls!
24:01Father Christmas has been!
24:04He's been!
24:06Yes!
24:07Merry Christmas!
24:08Merry Christmas!
24:09Merry Christmas, Patty!
24:13Now, girls, Patty in particular, remember what happened last year with the presents?
24:21I know that sometimes you can get a little bit jealous.
24:26And I just wanted to say that I've thought very carefully about these presents.
24:31And I thought as much as I could about things that you would really like.
24:37OK?
24:38Daddy doesn't have any favourites, Patty.
24:41Do I, Hattie?
24:42No, Daddy.
24:43So, are you ready?
24:44Open your presents!
24:45What have you got there?
24:46Oh!
24:47Oh!
24:48Look!
24:49Oh!
24:50Oh!
24:51Oh!
24:52Catty, you've got some string.
24:53And Patty, you've got a scooter.
24:56Do you like your present, Patty?
24:57Are you OK, Patty?
24:58Oh, Patty, do you...
24:59Not again, Patty.
25:00Do you want the string, Patty?
25:01Oh!
25:02Oh!
25:03Oh!
25:04Oh!
25:05Oh!
25:06Oh!
25:07Oh!
25:08Oh!
25:09Oh!
25:10Oh!
25:11Oh!
25:12Oh!
25:13Oh!
25:14Oh!
25:15Oh!
25:16Oh!
25:17Oh!
25:18Oh!
25:19Oh!
25:20Oh!
25:21Oh!
25:22Oh!
25:23Oh!
25:24You want the string, Patty?
25:25Oh, Hattie!
25:26That's such good sharing!
25:28Are you offering Patty a present?
25:29Yeah.
25:30Patty, do you want my present?
25:32Is that what you want, Patty?
25:33I'm sorry, Hattie.
25:34That means you have to have the scooter.
25:35Aww!
25:36No!
25:37I know you wanted the scooter!
25:38Don't do my favour.
25:39Oh, no!
25:41I know you wanted the soup.
25:43Don't do it, my friend.
25:45LAUGHTER
25:51APPLAUSE
26:03Right, well, here's a question I never thought I'd ask on television.
26:06What's with all the hairy women?
26:09LAUGHTER
26:11Family resemblance, so we needed to look like him.
26:14Well, that's the obvious, yeah, so obviously the girl should be bearded.
26:17LAUGHTER
26:18Well, I assume it's because he's a single father,
26:20so they're just his.
26:22LAUGHTER
26:24Greg, it's most believable family wins.
26:26Yeah, well, obviously, it was the horrible, jealous daughter
26:30being manipulated by the admittedly creepy father.
26:33Right.
26:34So, slightly more...
26:36So, we're giving five points for Team Three.
26:38Four points.
26:39Four points.
26:40There we go, four points and five points.
26:41APPLAUSE
26:46What's next, then?
26:47Well, I do think it's time for some comeuppance.
26:51Wow, Matthew Bainton.
27:05Wow, Alex Horne.
27:07Ooh!
27:08Have a seat at the desk.
27:09Congratulations.
27:10Yes, congratulations.
27:11Did you graduate college?
27:12Yeah.
27:13What school?
27:14Cambridge University.
27:15What degree?
27:16Latin and Greek.
27:17OK.
27:18You were like, oh, whatever it is, it's gotta be obsolete.
27:22Oh, I'd love to...
27:23I'd love to go to Cambridge and major in obsolescence.
27:28Teach the taskmaster's assistant a lesson he'll never forget.
27:31Ooh la la.
27:32Most memorable lesson wins.
27:35You have 20 minutes.
27:36Your time starts now.
27:38From what I know about how memory works, basically, if something's a little bit traumatic, it sticks in your mind.
27:50Tell me a fact, like, one of your favourite facts.
27:53Shall I get your levels?
27:54You get dogs in all different colours?
27:56That's definitely not.
27:59No?
28:00Do you remember in the olden days when it used to snow, like, up to your waist?
28:03Do you remember?
28:04Yeah.
28:05So, it was winter, it was snowing, and then these boys come and played Knock Down Ginger,
28:10and my dad chased them barefoot in his boxers, cos my dad's an animal.
28:14And that is the lesson. My dad is an animal.
28:18Right.
28:19Was that the lesson?
28:20Yeah.
28:21It's not necessarily been...
28:22Is that not?
28:23..get into my brain.
28:24Can I go think?
28:25You're just like all my old teachers.
28:27Yeah, am I?
28:28Sexy.
28:30OK.
28:31OK.
28:38I'm excited to see Matthew deal with his minor childhood traumas.
28:43And I'm very excited about learning more about how much of an underwear-wearing animal
28:48study has done it.
28:49LAUGHTER
28:50I hope that features.
28:51Well, let's see.
28:52We're going to start with two lessons from Rosie and Matt.
28:59Open the hatch.
29:03Trow down.
29:04Do you mean trousers?
29:05Yes, please.
29:08Down to your ankles, please.
29:09Look what you're doing.
29:10Thank you so much.
29:11Are you ready for your lesson on memory?
29:14When you get something wrong, that will happen.
29:18Right.
29:19That means you must dunk your head...
29:21...into the bin of water.
29:22We shall see if that jogs your memory.
29:24OK.
29:25Toilet row.
29:26The cheeks parted.
29:29Wipe until clean.
29:32What is the first step of creating a memory called?
29:35Perception.
29:36It's called encoding horn.
29:37What's it called?
29:38Encoding.
29:39Down you go.
29:40Is it not going to go?
29:41Correct.
29:42It's called encoding.
29:43Part the cheeks.
29:44Part the cheeks.
29:45Part the cheeks.
29:46Wipe until clean.
29:49Don't look, you disgusting little boy.
29:50Put it in the bin.
29:51What part of the brain do the sensations travel to?
29:52Hippocampus.
29:53Down you go horn.
29:54Do you hate yourself yet?
29:55Do you look clean?
29:56Is it not clean?
29:57Oh, you're not clean.
29:58It's not clean.
29:59Yes.
30:00It's not clean.
30:01It's not clean.
30:02It's not clean.
30:03It's not clean.
30:04The skin.
30:05It's not clean.
30:06Correct.
30:07It's called encoding.
30:08Part the cheeks.
30:09Part the cheeks.
30:10Part the cheeks.
30:11Wipe until clean.
30:12Don't look, you disgusting little boy.
30:13Put it in the bin.
30:14What part of the brain do the sensations travel to?
30:15Hippocampus.
30:17Down you go, Horne!
30:20Do you hate yourself yet?
30:22It is not clean.
30:26Well done, Horne. It is the hippocampus.
30:29Was it? Oh, good.
30:31You are rotten to the core, aren't you?
30:35Oh, my God.
30:36What is the first step of creating a memory call?
30:39Encoding.
30:40What part of the brain do the sensations travel to?
30:42Hippocampus.
30:43Very good. You may celebrate in a long dunk.
30:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
30:55Matthew, was this monster based on someone from your life?
30:59Tell me now.
31:00The idea was not about reliving my childhood trauma.
31:03It was the theory that traumatic events, mildly traumatic events,
31:07stay in the brain.
31:08So that would be a lesson he wouldn't forget.
31:11But I would argue that perhaps we have a different understanding
31:14of the phrase mildly traumatic.
31:17LAUGHTER
31:18Icy water, though.
31:19It was ice in the water, wasn't it, Matt?
31:21A little bit.
31:22LAUGHTER
31:23Did you feel like you were better equipped to wipe your own backside
31:26after Rosie's onslaught?
31:28I was confused.
31:29I'm sorry, Rosie, but you were sending mixed messages.
31:32Don't look at it, and then he wiped it on my face at the end.
31:34LAUGHTER
31:35I just got carried away.
31:37LAUGHTER
31:38The thing is, growing up in this country,
31:40we all know a teacher who's not that far from those psychopaths.
31:43So, good. I enjoyed them both.
31:45OK. Want to see more?
31:46Yes.
31:47OK, yet more dignity for me now with lessons from Fatia and Stevie.
31:50Oh, God.
31:52LAUGHTER
31:53I'm going to teach you a fact.
31:55The reason you'll never forget it
31:56is I'm going to ask you to write it out 50 times.
31:59That's cool. OK.
32:01You go over this side and you go like that.
32:03You need to do your hands.
32:05LAUGHTER
32:06Yeah?
32:07Yeah, but you're not just stepping.
32:09I am.
32:10The fact I'd like you to write, not there,
32:12I'd like you to write it on your person.
32:15On my body?
32:16That would be your person, wouldn't it?
32:18Some people take person as a euphemism for...
32:21Sorry, you call your penis your little person.
32:24Some people do.
32:25Surely you call it your little Alex.
32:27LAUGHTER
32:28It's like a pen.
32:29OK.
32:30You've got to be like a snake.
32:31Turn your snake.
32:34That is not a snake.
32:36Oh, it's not bad.
32:37Shrimp's heart is located...
32:39In.
32:40Oh, I put on.
32:42Just going to shake your top.
32:44No, just your top.
32:46Not your...
32:4711.
32:48Right.
32:49I'm out of room there.
32:50Yeah.
32:51I'll give you some privacy.
32:52Still, still, still, still.
32:54Go.
32:55Go.
32:56You've got to move not just your hands.
32:58You look like when you fry chips.
32:59Can you do it again?
33:00LAUGHTER
33:01I haven't got those things.
33:03You don't need those things to do it.
33:07I hate to alarm you, but you probably will have to take your trousers off.
33:11I've been CRB checked, it's fine.
33:13Stay still here.
33:14Go on.
33:15That's it.
33:16That's it.
33:19We're on 42.
33:20Yeah.
33:21This is 46.
33:22How do whales have legs in their stomachs?
33:27That's it now, your fully fledged Moroccan dancer.
33:30OK, then.
33:31Yalla, you ready?
33:32Yalla, I'm ready.
33:33Yalla, waheed, zhuj, clata.
33:41Right, left.
33:42Good.
33:43Hip.
33:44Yay!
33:45Woo!
33:46Yay!
33:47Yay!
33:48Woo!
33:51It's a mastermind.
33:52OK, a shrimp's head.
33:53Is it a shrimp's head?
33:54Oh, no, it's a heart.
33:55Yeah, of course it is.
33:56I forgot on the last one.
33:58Can you repeat the fact to me now?
34:01A shrimp's heart is located in its head.
34:03Congratulations, you've learnt your lesson.
34:05Get cleaned up.
34:10Yeah.
34:14Well, is the shrimp fact true?
34:17Yeah.
34:18Absolutely true.
34:19And the whale fact?
34:20Yes, so...
34:21They've got legs in their stomach?
34:22No, you said when they've ever bought, they used to have legs.
34:24So if I cut a whale up, there'll be a big leg in there?
34:26No, it's like a human's leg.
34:27Just like a nub of a bone that is still there from when they used to be mammals.
34:33I just like the idea there's one big leg and they were about to see them out.
34:36I like that idea as well.
34:37I didn't think about the essential element.
34:39I thought it had...
34:40In my head, it's got a boot on it.
34:41Yeah.
34:42But I know it doesn't.
34:44But...
34:45Yeah.
34:46But, yeah.
34:47But I found watching you teach him genuinely quite sweet,
34:50and I thought the result was actually quite good.
34:53Oh!
34:54And it worked.
34:57You were encouraging and I wanted to please you.
34:59Oh, did you?
35:00Oh, he's down.
35:01Oh, he's down.
35:05Break time.
35:06When we return, we'll finally find out who's going home with a bra,
35:09a dead dog's ashes and a jar of gherkins,
35:12or as my uncle used to call it, foreplay.
35:15APPLAUSE
35:16Hello again!
35:29Part four, is it then?
35:30Yes, it is, Greg.
35:31Keep up, mate.
35:32The contestants are all teaching me lessons.
35:35For example, I now know how to wipe myself and belly dance.
35:39Time for my final lesson now, and it's with Hollywood hotshot Jason Mantoukas.
35:44It occurs to me that you need to be a little bit more assertive.
35:49But first, I need to see you a little bit in your natural environment.
35:53Let's cut.
35:54Yeah, let's do it.
35:55Right.
35:56Jenny!
35:57Here's your tea, Alex.
35:58Ooh!
35:59That's so nice of you.
36:01You're welcome.
36:02That's amazing.
36:03Thanks.
36:04Bye-bye.
36:05Hello, Alex.
36:06Hi, Becky.
36:07We're getting sandwiches for lunch today.
36:08What would you like?
36:09Sandwiches, anything at all.
36:10Honestly, whatever's easiest for you.
36:13Mm-mm.
36:14Oh.
36:15Hi, Alex.
36:16Amy, this looks amazing.
36:18Oh, thanks.
36:19That is so...
36:20It's just right.
36:21That's perfect.
36:23How are you feeling?
36:24It's been a tough time, to be honest.
36:25Yeah.
36:26The scans came back.
36:27The doctor said they were inconclusive.
36:28Oh, not inconclusive.
36:29Yeah, I'm just so grateful to be here.
36:31Look, whatever it takes.
36:32Honestly, you're such a crucial part of the team.
36:35Oh.
36:37Okay.
36:38I think I've seen everything I need to see.
36:39Let's go.
36:41Okay, that was terrible.
36:42Really?
36:43I didn't like that at all.
36:44I thought it was good.
36:45What you understand is that these people work for you so you should be polite to them?
36:50Wrong.
36:51It doesn't matter how you treat them.
36:53They are things.
36:56You only focus on what matters to you.
36:59Me.
37:00Alex Horne.
37:01Number one.
37:02Everyone else.
37:03The things.
37:04Who the fuck cares?
37:05These are tools in your toolbox to make this glorious show.
37:10Let's do this.
37:11Here's your tea, Alex.
37:12Thing.
37:13Yes.
37:14Yes.
37:15It's the wrong shade.
37:16What would you like for lunch today?
37:17I want goose.
37:18And jelly.
37:19Ha!
37:20Ha!
37:21Ha!
37:22Ha!
37:23Ha!
37:24What would you like for lunch today?
37:28I want goose. And jelly.
37:30Ha-ha-ha!
37:34Oh, what's this?
37:36That looks absolutely stupid.
37:38What the frick is this?
37:40Frick? Hey, hey, what are you doing?
37:42You're a bad boy. You're Alex.
37:45What the fuck is this?
37:47Yes! Yes!
37:49Ha-ha-ha-ha! Yes!
37:51Oh, shit!
37:53I'm so sorry, Alex.
37:55You're fired!
37:57You're never here anyway. You're always going to the hospital.
37:59Go!
38:01Quicker! Quicker!
38:03You're a pain in the ass!
38:05A pain right in my... What is this?
38:07What is this? Who are you?
38:09Off you go! Bye-bye!
38:11Bye-bye!
38:13Hey, wait, wait, wait.
38:15You forgot your bag!
38:17That was great.
38:22Fuck you!
38:23Oh!
38:24The student has become the master.
38:27Bye-bye.
38:29APPLAUSE
38:35I am a bit shocked by how well you took that on.
38:38Yeah.
38:39I've learnt a lesson looking at that.
38:41It's not ideal.
38:42It's not ideal.
38:43But you do feel a lot of those things in private, I know.
38:47It did take quite a bit to get him there.
38:50From Frick to Fuck was a huge transition.
38:53LAUGHTER
38:54Yeah.
38:55From Frick to Fuck.
38:56That's your autobiography title, sir.
38:58LAUGHTER
39:00But I do want to apologise to the members of the team.
39:03Don't ruin it now.
39:05They're things.
39:06They're tools in the toolbox.
39:09But who was the best tutor?
39:12Yeah, I'd say Jason leading me by the hand
39:14and shouting in my face worked a bit.
39:16A bit?
39:17But it was the warmth of Fatia that I responded to most.
39:20Wow.
39:21Fatia, you're about to get five points for being nice.
39:24LAUGHTER
39:26This is going to...
39:27Really?
39:28..fuck your brand.
39:30LAUGHTER
39:32So, Fatia gets five points for being nice.
39:35Jason gets four points for coercing a monster from you.
39:38LAUGHTER
39:40So, shrimp or poo or cruelty?
39:44They were all much of a muchness, if I'm completely honest.
39:47Three points each?
39:48OK, yeah, fair enough.
39:49Fair enough, thank you.
39:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
39:53Actually, you took a peek at those scores.
39:55Yes, well, the series scores are in,
39:57and there's two people in the 90s.
39:58Rosie's on 90, Matt on 99, the series we're doing at the moment.
40:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:06But in this episode, she's just so lovely.
40:08She's in the lead with 16 points.
40:09It's Fatia El Ghori!
40:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:17So sweet, so kind, so in the lead.
40:19OK, it's time.
40:20Please head to the stage for the final task of the show!
40:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:25APPLAUSE
40:30Hello, honey pie.
40:31I like the hairy girl.
40:33LAUGHTER
40:34Who's going to be the Tusk guy?
40:36Uh, Jason today, please.
40:38Don't blow the last thing off the table.
40:43If you don't blow anything off the table, you are eliminated.
40:47If you do blow the last thing off the table, you are eliminated.
40:50You must stay on the spot and you must not touch the table.
40:54Last player standing wins.
40:56Yes, there'll be four rounds of this.
40:58In each round, there'll be a different lot of things on that table there.
41:01One at a time, you'll come to the spot.
41:03Something has to fall off the table, but if everything goes, you're out.
41:07And ultimately, if there's only one thing left, that person's out.
41:10That is checkmate.
41:11Prepare the table.
41:15I knew it.
41:16I knew it.
41:17It's feathers.
41:18I knew it.
41:19So at least one feather must leave.
41:21We're going to go from right to left.
41:22We're starting with Stevie.
41:23Watch me fuck this up so bad now.
41:26That's the sort of confidence you get in the Navy.
41:31OK.
41:32One blow plus.
41:33Yeah.
41:34Yeah, all right.
41:37It was touch and go, though, wasn't it?
41:38No.
41:39I knew what I was doing.
41:40I was building tension.
41:41Rosie's up next.
41:42Lovely.
41:43Absolutely lovely.
41:44That's his pen.
41:45Oh!
41:46Oh!
41:47Oh!
41:48Oh!
41:49Oh!
41:50That's gross.
41:51That was bold.
41:52Up here comes Jason Manzakis.
41:54Good luck, Fatia.
41:55Oh!
41:56That was good.
41:57Lovely.
41:58That was good.
41:59Absolutely right.
42:00That's his pen.
42:01Oh!
42:02Oh!
42:03Oh!
42:04Oh!
42:05Oh!
42:06Oh!
42:07Oh!
42:08Oh!
42:09That's gross.
42:10That was bold.
42:12That was bold.
42:13APPLAUSE
42:16Good luck, Fatia.
42:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:22That was good. Not a lot left up there.
42:25Not a lot left. Wow.
42:27BUZZER
42:29Yeah.
42:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:37Ooh!
42:40APPLAUSE
42:42Oh, wow.
42:46Oh, easy. There's two there.
42:48There's two there.
42:50BUZZER
42:53BUZZER
42:57BUZZER
42:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:01That's always lost.
43:02Well done.
43:03Oh, I'm lucky.
43:05I'm lucky.
43:07OK, round two.
43:10Little pictures of... of Greg.
43:13LAUGHTER
43:14OK.
43:15Blow me, Jason.
43:16Happily, my friend.
43:17LAUGHTER
43:19BUZZER
43:20BUZZER
43:21OK.
43:22APPLAUSE
43:23BUZZER
43:24BUZZER
43:26Lovely.
43:27BUZZER
43:28One word.
43:29One word.
43:30APPLAUSE
43:31BUZZER
43:33BUZZER
43:34BUZZER
43:35BUZZER
43:36BUZZER
43:37BUZZER
43:38BUZZER
43:40BUZZER
43:41I didn't mean to I didn't mean to arrogance of someone trying a double blow in this competition
44:11Yeah, we're up in the professional league
44:34That was tactical play lovely
44:41Oh
44:57Speak for all of us and say I can't believe this is watchable and yet everyone riveted
45:11Yeah
45:13You can see why they're in the final
45:19Oh, it's nearly two breaths
45:21How was it nearly two breaths? Well, there was one
45:23LAUGHTER
45:25Oh, I hate you so much
45:29LAUGHTER
45:31Oh
45:33Now we're interested
45:34Now we're playing
45:35Now we're playing with power
45:41He's left it open though
45:43He's left it open
45:49Oh
45:51Oh, problems
45:53Problems
45:55It's probably for Fatio, right?
45:56Yeah, it feels like it
46:05In second place, Fatio goal
46:07And the winner is Jason Maxwell
46:09Come down and join me with that match and a plan of score
46:13APPLAUSE
46:15Well, well, well
46:21Yes, like a lot of things in this show, surprisingly watchable
46:23Really good
46:25Mmm
46:26Matt, unfortunately out first, gets the one point
46:27Two to Stevie, three to Rosie
46:29Then it was between Fatio and Jason at the end
46:31Four to Fatio, Jason won it, gets the five points
46:33So well done, Jason Manziel
46:35Yeah
46:38But how does it affect the overall scores, Greg?
46:40I don't know
46:41You won't believe it
46:42They've now all got even-numbered scores
46:44I love it
46:45Stevie at the bottom with 14
46:46At the other end
46:47With 20 points
46:49For the first time
46:50It's Fatio!
46:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:54Fatio, our Goring Ways
46:57Please trace the show by opening your things there
47:00Nice welcome!
47:01Yeah!
47:02Yeah!
47:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:04MUSIC
47:06MUSIC
47:07MUSIC
47:31You