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  • 05/06/2025
Taskmaster UK S19E06 (2025)

Category

😹
Fun
Transcript
00:00This was a mistake
00:30It's episode six and unlike any of the meals my mother served me throughout my childhood things are really hotting up
00:44They've proved themselves to be resilient clever and unlike any of the food fed to me up until the age of 18
00:50They have just the right amount of spice
00:53Even some salt would have helped for God's sake old woman
00:57What's insulting it taste of nothing?
01:02Sorry
01:20He told me privately that for him sex is like Christmas
01:24Once a year and involves the death of a turkey
01:28LAUGHTER
01:31I think you're going to turn
01:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:35Hello
01:36You all right?
01:38Yes, I'm feeling pretty good because I sometimes find this quite stressful, the show
01:42Yeah
01:43Now what I've done, to help me relax, I've got myself a brand new sex bot
01:47So, erm, the idea was to go back to the room after the show
01:50LAUGHTER
01:52Get it going and that should just relieve the tension
01:55OK
01:56I've got to say, I am genuinely surprised because he doesn't like talking about private things, not really
02:02What do you mean?
02:03Yeah, anything
02:04Anything sexual
02:05Sorry, I've got a brand new box set
02:07I've got a brand new box set
02:08I've got a brand new box set
02:09I was happy for you in March of the Penguin
02:10I was happy for you in March of the Penguin
02:11So I'm really looking forward to that
02:12Calm the nerves
02:13So, erm...
02:14LAUGHTER
02:15LAUGHTER
02:16That's it
02:17It was a box set, sex bot
02:18That's the whole bit
02:19That's the whole...
02:20LAUGHTER
02:21Keep it snappy
02:22Let's go
02:23Right, let's go
02:24What's the prize task category, please, Alex?
02:26The category is the thing that is nicest to open
02:29Greg's fly
02:31LAUGHTER
02:32Jesus!
02:33LAUGHTER
02:34I realised...
02:35What's happened to you?
02:36I know, that sounded like I was saying Greg's fly is the nicest thing to open
02:38What I meant is Greg is fly, he's stylish, he's cool
02:41And I wonder what everyone's brought in, let's find out
02:44LAUGHTER
02:45Sweet save
02:46Rosie Ramsay
02:47Hello
02:48What have you brought me?
02:49I have brought something that I adore and every time I open it I just feel happy
02:53Oh, hello
02:54OK
02:55A jar of gherkins
02:57LAUGHTER
03:00So you genuinely love gherkins?
03:01Love gherkins
03:02And I do love opening a jar, like, without having to ask my husband
03:07I went on a date with a woman who was much stronger than me once
03:10Did you?
03:11And I didn't mind it
03:12LAUGHTER
03:13You're welcome, honey
03:15LAUGHTER
03:16APPLAUSE
03:18Matthew, what have you bought us?
03:19A pop-up book, but not just any pop-up book, a Taskmaster pop-up book
03:31Oh!
03:32Here it is, there's your first open
03:35There's your second, hang on, where's Alex?
03:40Where's Alex?
03:41There!
03:42LAUGHTER
03:43Is that the only spread?
03:44No, it's not!
03:45Where's Alex?
03:46Is he behind the door again?
03:47No!
03:48Where could he be?
03:49There!
03:50LAUGHTER
03:51Is that the last spread?
03:52No!
03:53There's one more!
03:54LAUGHTER
03:55You can help me with this, Greg
03:57It's Little Lally Tom!
03:58Wow!
03:59Wow!
04:00Wow!
04:01Wow!
04:02APPLAUSE
04:03Great!
04:04Um, it's incredible.
04:05It's lovely, Matthew.
04:06Uh, Stevie?
04:07Um, so this is, um, something that has been in my house for...
04:11Well, it must be since February, when we moved,
04:13and sometimes I can't open jars.
04:15LAUGHTER
04:16And I haven't been able to open it, I've just been buying other peppers,
04:31because I can't... I honestly can't open it.
04:34And what's nice is to open is when someone goes,
04:36Oh, can you get that?
04:37And if you can open it, that'll feel really nice for you.
04:40LAUGHTER
04:42Yeah, I'm tempted to... I'm tempted to call Rosie out on her power.
04:46I'm a bit sweaty.
04:47Have you genuinely tried to open it?
04:49Yeah, really, really, it's been six...
04:51Oh, fuck.
04:52LAUGHTER
04:53APPLAUSE
04:55One guy.
04:56It sounded nice.
04:57Does that feel nice?
04:58Smells nice.
04:59Shh!
05:00One...one point?
05:02LAUGHTER
05:04I didn't realise this was a jar-based task.
05:07Nor did I.
05:09OK.
05:10Uh, Jason.
05:11All right.
05:12This is something that makes me happy when I open it,
05:15because it's something that is... that was mine.
05:17Here, let's, uh, let's see.
05:18Hit it here.
05:19Aha!
05:20Right?
05:21It's a dog!
05:22LAUGHTER
05:23Except, actually, hold on a second.
05:24Can you open it?
05:25It's actually...
05:26Yes.
05:27Yeah.
05:28Second photo, here we go.
05:29Sorry, it's my dead dog's ashes.
05:31LAUGHTER
05:33So...
05:34So that's my dog, Turkey,
05:36and there is the urn with Turkey's ashes,
05:38and that's...
05:39That's the colour.
05:40LAUGHTER
05:41APPLAUSE
05:43I'm running!
05:44It can't be the worst job!
05:46I'm from dead dog in here!
05:47LAUGHTER
05:48The point is that, look,
05:50when he opens the box and he sees those ashes,
05:52I imagine it brings back so many happy memories.
05:54For me, it's nice, because I get to visit with Turkey again.
05:57Do you have happy memories of frolicking through woodlands
05:59with your peppers?
06:00LAUGHTER
06:01LAUGHTER
06:02OK.
06:03Fatia, what you brought?
06:05OK, so, the thing that I brought is very relaxing to take off.
06:09Off?
06:10Off.
06:11Oh.
06:12I don't think you haven't done it in a while,
06:13but you will do it more once we're married.
06:16LAUGHTER
06:17This is what you open to take off.
06:20LAUGHTER
06:22It's nice for me to open because it's relaxing,
06:24and it's nice for you to open because it's going to blow your mind.
06:27LAUGHTER
06:28LAUGHTER
06:29I've got to be honest, I am starting to feel hunted.
06:44LAUGHTER
06:46You're going to have to decide, now, what is the least nice thing to open?
06:49Both jar ladies are taking the bottom slots.
06:51Yes.
06:52Without question.
06:53Five.
06:54Now, whistle Stevie aboard for one point,
06:56and then we'll give Pickle Girl two points
06:58and she can thank me for them.
06:59Right, so, one to Stevie, two for Rosie.
07:01Hey, no.
07:02Can't do it.
07:03I can't...
07:04I can't put a bra above the sweet, sweet memories of the dog.
07:07I can put a pop-up book above it.
07:09LAUGHTER
07:10So, what are we saying, Greg?
07:11Three...
07:12..four...
07:14..five...
07:15Matthew Bainesville.
07:16Done.
07:17Five points!
07:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
07:20Right.
07:21Do you have an incredibly irritating task to get us started?
07:25Hmm...
07:2667.
07:27LAUGHTER
07:28MUSIC PLAYS
07:30Hello.
07:31Oh, my God.
07:32What's it with the hat business?
07:34Have you got a fetish or something?
07:35LAUGHTER
07:36LAUGHTER
07:37Hello.
07:38Oh, my God.
07:39What's it with the hat business?
07:40Have you got a fetish or something?
07:41LAUGHTER
07:42Hello, Rosie.
07:43Hello.
07:44Hello.
07:45You OK?
07:46Yep.
07:47Work out what Alex has on the very top of his head.
07:51The very top of your head must never be more than five foot six inches from the ground.
07:52How tall are you, Rosie?
07:53I'm five foot one.
07:54Yeah.
07:55What's it with the hat business?
07:56What's it with the hat business?
07:57What's it with the hat business?
07:58Have you got a fetish or something?
07:59Hello, Rosie.
08:00Hello.
08:01Hello.
08:02You OK?
08:03Yep.
08:04Work out what Alex has on the very top of his head.
08:06The very top of your head must never be more than five foot six inches from the ground.
08:19How tall are you, Rosie?
08:20I'm five foot one.
08:21You're fine.
08:22So I'll be all right, aren't I?
08:23You may ask Alex yes or no questions.
08:26But Alex will only answer using his exciting new numbers system.
08:31Fastest wins.
08:33Your time starts now.
08:35Is it made of plastic?
08:37Five.
08:39Right.
08:41Is it fruit?
08:43Fifty-four.
08:45This is awful.
08:47It's very exciting.
08:50Very exciting system.
08:52What did you say, Cassidy?
08:53I wrote something you said.
08:54What sort of fetish are you into?
08:56I'm only just realising how often you make things sexual.
08:59I'm a sexual woman.
09:01As is your right.
09:03OK, who are we going to see first?
09:07Yes, well, let's see if they can find out what I had inside my head bowl.
09:10Let's start with Rosie, Ramsay, Stevie and Martin.
09:14Is your name Alex Horne?
09:16Seven.
09:17Is my name Stevie Martin?
09:19Fifty-three.
09:21Oh...
09:23Yeah, so...
09:24Have I actually...
09:25Oh, is my name Colonel Begonia?
09:2962.
09:32OK, so no is even.
09:34Yes is odd.
09:3668.
09:38Your head is too high.
09:40OK.
09:41I don't understand the number system at all.
09:43Right.
09:44Is it something to do with bingo?
09:46Bingo?
09:47Yeah.
09:4899.
09:49Is it, er...
09:50Doc?
09:51Er...
09:5215.
09:54What are you doing?
09:56You've just got to work out what's on the very top of my head.
09:59I think it's just a hat.
10:03Oh, is that a periscope?
10:05No.
10:06That's not real, is it?
10:07Is that real?
10:08Keep your head loyal.
10:10Is that a periscope?
10:13Oh, my God!
10:15I'm smashing it!
10:16Yeah, I mean, I can see you, but I can't see what's in your hat.
10:20Wait.
10:22Oh!
10:23Behind...
10:27Behind Greg.
10:28What?
10:29This?
10:30This Greg?
10:33Whoo!
10:34He's moving it!
10:35Can I guess you mean to not get a hat off?
10:3883.
10:39Oh, my God, it's a grabber.
10:42I'm gonna protect my eyes.
10:44OK.
10:45Ooh, jazzy.
10:47I don't know what to do with it.
10:50That's the night.
10:52We've found my weakness, and it's pipes.
10:57Oh!
11:02Got it!
11:03Oh!
11:05It's a carrot!
11:07I've stopped the clock.
11:08Yay!
11:09I would never, ever, ever have got that.
11:11Can I knock it off?
11:12Oh.
11:13Sorry, Alex.
11:14It's a carrot!
11:15I've stopped the clock.
11:16I've stopped the clock.
11:17I've never seen someone using a periscope like that before.
11:19It's a pretty good start.
11:20It's a pretty good start.
11:21I bet you loved this task, didn't you?
11:22No.
11:23Submarines?
11:24Beat me aboard.
11:25Whistle me aboard, Captain.
11:26Just to be clear, at no point did you try and use the periscope as a periscope?
11:28I've never used one before. I get my shipmates to do it.
11:31LAUGHTER
11:32Rosie, absolutely no attempt at breaking the code whatsoever.
11:34No, I didn't even bother.
11:35No, I didn't even bother.
11:36The only question you asked was, is this bingo?
11:38She was pretty swift before she went and got the grabber.
11:41Absolutely, both of them.
11:42Stevie, 6 minutes 53, got the carrot.
11:43Rosie, 6 minutes 35.
11:44Wow.
11:45Wow.
11:46Both quick.
11:47Yeah, well done.
11:48OK.
11:49OK.
11:50OK.
11:51OK.
11:52OK.
11:53OK.
11:54OK.
11:55OK.
11:56OK.
11:57OK.
11:58OK.
11:59OK.
12:00OK.
12:01OK.
12:02OK.
12:03OK.
12:04OK.
12:05OK.
12:06OK.
12:07OK.
12:08OK.
12:09Well done.
12:10OK.
12:11Who is next?
12:12We're going to leave Jason until the end.
12:14And boy, oh boy, does he know why.
12:16So, for now, here's Matthew and Fathu.
12:19Here we go.
12:21Are you a man?
12:2213.
12:24Are you a woman?
12:2612.
12:28OK.
12:29I think I've got it.
12:30Is it a banana?
12:3110.
12:32Is it a strawberry?
12:338.
12:34Cherry?
12:3540.
12:3640.
12:3740.
12:3814.
12:39OK.
12:40I don't know what this number business is.
12:41No.
12:42OK.
12:43I'm going to try and make it unsafe, and then you'd have to come down.
12:48Oh, I see.
12:49There's, like, sanitary towels in these shoes.
12:51Are you mad?
12:5212.
12:53What are you going to do with the shoes?
12:54Throw them at you.
12:55No, these are heavy.
12:56I can't do that.
12:57OK.
12:58I can't do that.
12:59I can't do that.
13:04OK.
13:17Behind Greg.
13:18Can you do the pole vault?
13:20Stay there.
13:21Don't move.
13:22Yep.
13:23You stay low.
13:24I won't hurt you, I promise.
13:25Right, we've reached the point now where I'm looking at it and I don't know what it is.
13:33Stay there.
13:34Stay there.
13:35I bet you super glued it on because you're twat, bro.
13:40See, it doesn't even move.
13:43I'm scared to hurt.
13:44Oh, here we go.
13:45It's a carrot.
13:46Stop the clock.
13:47What is on the top of my head?
13:50Something orange.
13:51Orange is on the top of your head.
13:53Orange, man.
13:54You must be more specific.
13:55Orange plastic or rubber?
13:58More specific.
14:00Right, let go.
14:04Oh, there it is.
14:05Stop moving.
14:06It's a carrot!
14:0789.
14:08What I found interesting is that when the idea of shoes being thrown at Alex to try and
14:18dislodge his head fence, I would have bet my life that Fatia would have been the one
14:23to actually throw the shoes.
14:25Quite a twist, yeah.
14:26But suddenly this monster appears.
14:29You've got the carrot, you've whacked his hat off with a snooker cue.
14:33Yeah.
14:34Naturally quicker.
14:3530 minutes 20 for Fatia.
14:3640 minutes 20 for Matt.
14:37There we go.
14:38Good luck.
14:39APPLAUSE
14:40Great.
14:41Well, that's the end of part one.
14:43See you back here soon.
14:54Welcome back to the start of part two.
14:57Yes.
14:58Now, before the break, they were trying to figure out what was on top of my head.
15:01I can only answer questions using my exciting new number system.
15:04Finally, it's Jason's turn.
15:06He's called me lots of things this series.
15:08Jerk off.
15:10Asshole.
15:11So here is some retribution.
15:15Is it produce?
15:1631.
15:17Is it grapes?
15:18Is it a banana?
15:19Sprouts.
15:20Grapefruit.
15:21Lettuce.
15:2228.
15:2360.
15:2425.
15:25Is it a lemon?
15:264.
15:27Is it a lime?
15:2814.
15:2915.
15:30Grapes.
15:3116.
15:32Is it a shoe?
15:33Is it a small house?
15:34Is it dirt?
15:3530.
15:36Is it a lemon?
15:3734.
15:38Is it a lemon?
15:3935.
15:40Is it lemons?
15:4136.
15:42Alex, is it a lemon?
15:4338.
15:44Let's see.
15:45This is just absurd.
15:46I'm ready to be here for the long run.
15:48This is going to be one of those ones where you're like, shockingly, Jason was doing this
15:52for 33 minutes.
15:53Is it corn?
15:5493.
15:55Is it a pear?
15:5614.
15:57Green.
15:5860.
15:59Boy, this numbers thing.
16:00I'm not good with this.
16:01No.
16:02Well, sorry.
16:03What do you mean, no?
16:04This is madness.
16:05What's on the very top of my head, Jason?
16:07I don't know anything more than I did at the minute I stopped reading this godforsaken
16:16task.
16:17Right.
16:18Okay.
16:19All right, then I guess I'll move around.
16:20Yeah, that's right, everybody.
16:21Get the cameras.
16:22Let's go.
16:23Is it a seagull?
16:2460.
16:25Is it one of these gargoyles?
16:26Gargoyles.
16:27Man.
16:37Oh, Jesus Christ.
16:44Fine.
16:45You know, see, this is not working.
16:50This isn't what I want it to be.
16:51It looked pretty close there.
16:52Yeah, no, I know.
16:53Okay.
16:54I'm not a fucking idiot, Alex.
16:56I know that I found the thing.
16:58Okay, now that can't, that's so difficult.
17:01Oh boy, this is very difficult.
17:06Sorry, Alex.
17:07Man, what?
17:08I'm gonna try this again.
17:11Oh, is it green?
17:16A little bit.
17:17I mean, three.
17:18Wow.
17:19It's right there.
17:20Yeah.
17:21But what the hell is it?
17:22I can't make out what the hell that is at all.
17:24Is it carrot?
17:25Three.
17:26Or two.
17:29Or five.
17:30Or seven.
17:31Oh, did I guess it?
17:32You've completed the task.
17:33Oh, great.
17:34That's what I thought.
17:35You feel good?
17:36No.
17:37No, let me be clear, Alex.
17:39I do not feel good.
17:41Well, thank you, Jason.
17:42All right.
17:43APPLAUSE
17:45Might it be the longest time anyone's ever taken?
17:52It's got to be up there.
17:53It was one hour forty.
17:54One hour forty.
17:55One hour forty minutes.
17:56I did this.
17:57These two have both done that in just under seven minutes.
18:01Somehow I had it in my mind I had to crack the code.
18:07He asks 233 questions.
18:09How many of them were, is it a lemon?
18:11Do you want to give me a number between one and 233?
18:12We'll find out some of the questions.
18:13Sure.
18:14One five four.
18:15Well, that was quite a long one.
18:16What if I hopped the fence and went into the golf course and you never saw me again?
18:21We have, is it suffering?
18:22Is it Jesus Christ?
18:23Is this good television?
18:24Is it human teeth?
18:25There were so many.
18:26Come on, then, you nerds.
18:27What's the system?
18:28Very simple.
18:29It's no, it's a composite number, yes, it's a prime number.
18:31Oh, I hate you even more.
18:32Because I would never have figured that out.
18:33No, we saw that.
18:34OK, what are the scores?
18:35Yes, well, Jason with his 100 minutes gets one point.
18:38Matt with 14 minutes, two points.
18:40Fatia, 30 minutes, three points.
18:41Stevie, just slower than that.
18:42We have, is it suffering?
18:43Is it Jesus Christ?
18:44Is this good television?
18:45Is it human teeth?
18:46There were so many.
18:47Come on, then, you nerds.
18:48What's the system?
18:49Very simple.
18:50It's no, it's a composite number, yes, it's a prime number.
18:52Oh, I hate you even more.
18:54Because I would never have figured that out.
18:56No, we saw that.
18:57OK, what are the scores?
18:58Yes, well, Jason with his 100 minutes gets one point.
19:00Just slower than Rosie, so you get four points.
19:02But Rosie Ramsey gets the full five points.
19:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:05Right, what are the scores, Alex?
19:10It's very, very close.
19:11Two points separating all five of them.
19:13Joint winners so far, Matt and Rosie on seven points.
19:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:18All right, I think we need the team task.
19:21Ooh, I do too.
19:22And aren't they all just one big happy family?
19:25Oh...
19:27THEY CONFER
19:40Matthew.
19:41Alex.
19:42Rosie.
19:43Alex.
19:44Fatia.
19:45Horn.
19:46Great news.
19:47Oh, yeah?
19:48We've come up with a team name.
19:49Oh, that is good news.
19:50I've forgotten it, so you have to say it.
19:52JV Martzoukas.
19:53That was it.
19:54Hello, JV Martzoukas.
19:56Hello, Alex.
19:57There's a task for you there and a little camera.
19:58OK.
19:59Make yourselves look like one of you is the parent of the others,
20:04then capture your relationship with a classic family home video moment.
20:10Most believable family wins.
20:12You have 30 minutes.
20:13Your time starts now.
20:16Hello.
20:17This is fantastic.
20:18Oh, let me be the mum.
20:19Because you two are parents, I'm not, so let me be the parent.
20:21Is that all right?
20:22Does that make sense?
20:23Yeah.
20:24Yeah.
20:25OK.
20:26What are those classic...
20:27Ooh.
20:28Like you teaching me how to, like, potty training?
20:30I'm dangling you over and you're pissing.
20:31How are you holding me over the toilet and I'm pissing and pooping?
20:35Can I...
20:36Uh...
20:37Do we have laxatives, Alex?
20:39Oh!
20:40We've got to do a play.
20:42Play?
20:43Or, like, put a musical on us, not...
20:45Just, you know, when kids do, like, a show.
20:48Right.
20:49Buying an ice cream, play...
20:50Playing in traffic.
20:51Can we play in traffic?
20:52No.
20:53No.
20:5422 minutes.
20:55Oh, God, right, OK.
20:56So, let's go.
20:57All right, let's go, let's go, let's go.
21:02Just read me the task again.
21:04Make yourselves look like one of you is the parent of the others
21:06and capture your relationship with a classic family home video moment.
21:08And Jason's suggestion was playing in traffic.
21:12You guys don't do that?
21:13Yes.
21:15Oh, your country's so boring!
21:18Well, we're going to start with a team of two,
21:20and this one is actually far from ideal for me.
21:23BUZZER
21:25BUZZER
21:27Bring the camera up, Denise.
21:28Bring it up, Denise.
21:29Right, have you got that?
21:30Have you got it?
21:31Have you got it?
21:32I'm scared, Daddy, I'm scared!
21:34I can't do it!
21:35I can't do it!
21:36I've got you!
21:37I've got you!
21:38I've got you!
21:39Look, I've got you!
21:40Daddy's got you!
21:41Oh, Daddy, please!
21:42Stop my cousin!
21:43Denise, are you getting it?
21:44Are you getting it?
21:45Are you getting this, Denise?
21:46I'm doing it!
21:47I'm doing it!
21:48I'm doing it!
21:49I'm doing it!
21:50I'm doing it!
21:51No hands, look!
21:52No hands!
21:53You did it!
21:54Who's that man?
21:55What man?
21:57Was that man there?
21:59Daddy, who's that man?
22:00Oh my God, it's a pervert!
22:01What?
22:02I like the hairy girl!
22:03Get out of here!
22:04Get out of here!
22:05Get out of here now!
22:07Get in, Daddy!
22:08Get in!
22:09Get in!
22:10Get in!
22:11Get in!
22:12Get in!
22:13Get in!
22:14Get in!
22:15Get in!
22:16Get in!
22:17I got you!
22:18Yeah!
22:19Yeah!
22:20Yeah!
22:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
22:28Can I just say something?
22:30When we run out, we all run out into, like, the rush-hour traffic.
22:34Into the traffic!
22:36With insane energy, straight into people, like, at a stop sign.
22:41And you were like, oh, this is the old days.
22:44I feel like I'm back at home
22:46and I'm a kid running around the streets, baby.
22:49OK, I sort of bought it, you know,
22:51the touching moment of the hairy girl being taught to ride a bike.
22:54I'm just intrigued by giving the title classic family video
22:58of bringing the pervert into it.
23:01Well, it's in the 80s, you know, it was a different time.
23:04Yep.
23:05So it was meant to be, like, an accidental snapshot
23:07into sexual politics of the decade.
23:10Classic. Yeah!
23:12OK, it's time for us to stop again.
23:15When you return, you'll see an entirely different family,
23:18but Alex will still be a pervert.
23:20LAUGHTER
23:21Let me tell you, the book I'm going to write one day.
23:24We'll see you in a minute.
23:25APPLAUSE
23:28Welcome back to Taskmaster,
23:29where I'm looking forward to seeing the next team attempt.
23:30Now, we're after a classic family home video moment.
23:32Most believable family wins.
23:34So now it's Daddy Matt with his little girls, Fatia and Rosie.
23:36Merry Christmas, everybody.
23:37Christmas morning.
23:38The presents are out.
23:39Let's call the girls.
23:40Girls!
23:41Father Christmas has been!
23:42He's been!
23:43Yes!
23:44Merry Christmas!
23:45Merry Christmas!
23:46Merry Christmas!
23:47Merry Christmas!
23:48Merry Christmas!
23:49Merry Christmas!
23:50Merry Christmas!
23:51Merry Christmas, Patty!
23:52Now, girls, Patty in particular, remember what happened last year with the presents?
23:56I know that sometimes you can get a little bit jealous.
23:57Yes.
23:58Yes!
23:59Yes!
24:00Yes!
24:01Yes!
24:02Yes!
24:03Yes!
24:04Yes!
24:05Yes!
24:06Yes!
24:07What are you doing?
24:08Yes!
24:09Yes!
24:10Yes!
24:11Merry Christmas!
24:12Yes!
24:13Yes!
24:14Yes!
24:15Yes!
24:16Yes!
24:17Yes!
24:18Yes!
24:19Yes!
24:20Yes!
24:21Yes!
24:22Yes!
24:23Yes!
24:24Yes!
24:25And I just wanted to say that I've thought very carefully about these presents
24:31and I thought as much as I could about things that you would really like, OK?
24:38Daddy doesn't have any favourites, Patty.
24:42Do I, Hattie?
24:43No, Daddy.
24:44So, are you ready?
24:47Open your presents!
24:55What have you got there?
24:58Oh, no!
25:03Yeah, Patty, you've got some string and Patty, you've got a scooter.
25:09Do you like your present, Patty?
25:12Are you OK, Patty?
25:15Oh, Patty, do you...
25:18Not again, Patty.
25:20Do you want the string, Patty?
25:25Oh, Hattie.
25:27That's such good sharing and you're offering Patty a present.
25:31Yeah, Patty, do you want my present?
25:33Is that what you want, Patty?
25:34I'm sorry, Hattie, that means you have to have the scooter.
25:39Oh, no!
25:42I know you wanted the scooter.
25:44Don't do my thing.
25:44I'm sorry.
25:50APPLAUSE
25:51Well, here's a question I never thought I'd ask on television.
26:06What's with all the hairy women?
26:10I want family resemblance.
26:12So we need to look like him.
26:14Well, that's the obvious, yeah, so obviously the girl should be bearded.
26:17Well, you assume it's because he's a single father.
26:20And they're just his.
26:24Greg, it's most believable family wins.
26:26Yeah, well, obviously it was the horrible, jealous daughter
26:29being manipulated by the admittedly creepy father.
26:33Right.
26:33It's slightly more...
26:35So we're giving five points for Team 3.
26:37OK, how many points for the team of 2?
26:39Four points.
26:40There we go, four points and five points!
26:42APPLAUSE
26:43What's next, then?
26:47Well, I do think it's time for some comeuppance.
26:51Wow, Matthew Bainton.
27:06Wow, Alex Horne.
27:07Please have a seat at the desk.
27:09Congratulations.
27:09Congratulations.
27:10Did you graduate college?
27:13Yeah.
27:13What school?
27:14Cambridge University.
27:15What degree?
27:16Latin and Greek.
27:17OK.
27:18You were like, oh, whatever it is, it's got to be obsolete.
27:23Oh, I'd love to go to Cambridge and major in obsolescence.
27:28Teach the taskmaster's assistant a lesson he'll never forget.
27:32Ooh la la.
27:33Most memorable lesson wins.
27:36You have 20 minutes.
27:37Your time starts now.
27:39From what I know about how memory works,
27:42basically, if something's a little bit traumatic,
27:47it sticks in your mind.
27:50Tell me a fact, like, one of your favourite facts.
27:53Shall I get your levels?
27:54You get dogs in all different colours?
27:56That's definitely more.
27:59No?
28:00Do you remember in the olden days when it used to snow up to your waist?
28:04Do you remember?
28:05Yeah.
28:05So, it was winter, it was snowing,
28:08and then these boys come and play Knock Down Ginger,
28:10and my dad chased them barefoot in his boxers,
28:13because my dad's an animal.
28:14And that is the lesson.
28:16My dad is an animal.
28:18Right.
28:18That's the lesson.
28:19Was that the lesson?
28:20Yeah.
28:21It's not necessarily been...
28:23Is that not?
28:23...into my brain.
28:24Can I go think?
28:25You're just like all my old teachers.
28:27Yeah, am I?
28:29Sexy.
28:30OK.
28:31All right.
28:32APPLAUSE
28:33I'm excited to see Matty deal with his minor childhood traumas.
28:43And I'm very excited about learning more
28:45about how much of an underwear-wearing animal Fatty has dad is.
28:49I hope that features.
28:51Well, let's see.
28:52We're going to start with two lessons from Rosie and Matt.
28:56Open the hatch.
29:03Trow down.
29:04Do you mean trousers?
29:05Yes, please.
29:08Down to your ankles, please.
29:09Yep, yep, you're doing.
29:09Thank you so much.
29:10You're doing.
29:11Are you ready for your lesson on memory?
29:14When you get something wrong...
29:15That will happen.
29:17Right.
29:18That means you must dunk your head...
29:21Into the bin of water.
29:22We shall see if that jogs your memory.
29:24OK.
29:26Toilet row.
29:27The cheeks parted.
29:29Wipe until clean.
29:32What is the first step of creating a memory called?
29:36Perception.
29:36It's called encoding horn.
29:48What's it called?
29:49Encoding.
29:51Down you go.
29:52Is it not going to be good?
29:57Correct.
29:58It's called encoding.
30:01Part the cheeks.
30:02Part the cheeks.
30:03Wipe until clean.
30:04Don't look, you disgusting little boy.
30:10Put it in the bin.
30:11What part of the brain do the sensations travel to?
30:15Hippocampus.
30:17Down you go, horn!
30:20Do you hate yourself yet?
30:22It is not clean.
30:26Well done, horn.
30:28It is the hippocampus.
30:29Was it?
30:30Oh, good.
30:31You are rotten to the core.
30:34Aren't you?
30:35Oh, my God.
30:36What is the first step of creating a memory called?
30:39Encoding.
30:40What part of the brain do the sensations travel to?
30:43Hippocampus.
30:43Very good.
30:45You may celebrate me in a long dunk.
30:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
30:49Matthew, was this monster based on someone from your life?
30:59Tell me now.
31:00The idea was not about reliving my childhood trauma.
31:03It was the theory that traumatic events, mildly traumatic events, stay in the brain.
31:09So that would be a lesson he wouldn't forget.
31:12But I would argue that perhaps we have a different understanding of the phrase mildly traumatic.
31:19Icy water, though.
31:20It was ice in the water, wouldn't it, Matt?
31:21A little bit.
31:22LAUGHTER
31:23And did you feel like you were better equipped to wipe your own backside after Rosie's onslaught?
31:28I was confused.
31:30I'm sorry, Rosie, but you were sending mixed messages.
31:33Don't look at it, and then he wiped it on my face at the end.
31:35And she got carried away.
31:37LAUGHTER
31:37Yeah, she really got carried away.
31:39The thing is, growing up in this country, we all know a teacher who's not that far from those psychopaths.
31:43So, good.
31:44I enjoyed them both.
31:45OK.
31:46Want to see more?
31:46Yes.
31:47OK, yet more dignity for me now with lessons from Fatia and Stevie.
31:51Oh, God.
31:53I'm going to teach you a fact.
31:55The reason you'll never forget it is I'm going to ask you to write it out 50 times.
32:00That's cool.
32:00OK.
32:01You go over this side, and you go like that.
32:04You need to do your hands.
32:06Yeah?
32:07Yeah.
32:07But you're not just stepping.
32:09I am.
32:10The fact I'd like you to write, not there, I'd like you to write it on your person.
32:15On my body?
32:17That would be a person, wouldn't it?
32:18Some people take person as a euphemism for...
32:21Sorry, you call your penis your little person?
32:24Some people do.
32:25Sure, you call it your little Alex.
32:26Oh, on.
32:28You don't.
32:28It's like a pen.
32:29Yes.
32:29OK.
32:30You've got to be like a snake.
32:31Pretend you're a snake.
32:34That is not a snake.
32:36Oh, it's not bad.
32:38Shrimp's heart is located...
32:40In.
32:41Oh, I put on.
32:42Just going to shake your top.
32:44No, just your top.
32:45Not your head.
32:48Eleven.
32:49Right.
32:49I'm out of room there.
32:50Yeah.
32:51I'll give you some privacy.
32:53Still, still, still, still.
32:54Go.
32:55Go.
32:56You've got to move not just your hands.
32:58You look like when you fry chips.
32:59Can you do it again?
33:02I haven't got those things.
33:03You don't need those things to do it.
33:05I hate to alarm you, but you probably will have to take your trousers off.
33:11I've been CRB checked.
33:13It's fine.
33:13Stay still here.
33:14Go on.
33:16That's it.
33:19I think we're on 42.
33:20Yeah.
33:22This is 46.
33:23How do whales have legs in their stomachs?
33:27That's it.
33:27Now, you're fully-fledged Moroccan dancer.
33:30Okay, then.
33:31Yalla, you ready?
33:32Yalla, I'm ready.
33:33Yalla, wahid, zhuzh, clatter.
33:41Right leg, good.
33:43Hip.
33:44Yay!
33:44Woo!
33:45Woo!
33:45Woo!
33:47Woo!
33:48It's a must-it, though.
33:52Okay, a shrimp's head.
33:54Is it a shrimp's head?
33:55Oh, no, it's a heart.
33:56Yeah, of course it is.
33:57I forgot on the last one.
33:59Can you repeat the fact to me now?
34:02A shrimp's heart is located in its head.
34:04Congratulations, you've learnt your lesson.
34:06Get cleaned up.
34:11Yeah.
34:15Wow.
34:16Is a shrimp fact true?
34:17Yeah, absolutely true.
34:19And the whale fact?
34:21Yes, so...
34:21They've got legs in their stomach?
34:23No, it said when they've ever bothered, they used to have legs.
34:25So if I cut a whale up, there'll be a big leg in there?
34:27No, it's like a human's leg.
34:28Just like a nub of a bone that is still there from when they used to be mammals.
34:34I just like the idea there's one big leg and they were about to see that.
34:36I like that idea as well.
34:37I didn't think about the essential element.
34:39I thought it had an...
34:40In my head, it's got a boot on it.
34:41Yeah.
34:43But I know it doesn't.
34:45But...
34:46Yeah.
34:46But yeah, I found watching you teach him genuinely quite sweet,
34:50and I thought the result was actually quite good.
34:53Oh!
34:53And it worked.
34:57You were encouraging, and I wanted to please you.
34:59Oh, did you?
35:00Oh, he's dead.
35:01Oh, yeah.
35:02Oh, yeah.
35:02Oh, yeah.
35:02Oh, yeah.
35:03Oh, yeah.
35:03Oh, yeah.
35:04Oh, yeah.
35:04Break time.
35:06When we return, we'll finally find out who's going home with a bra,
35:10a dead dog's ashes, and a jar of gherkins.
35:12Or as my uncle used to call it, foreplay.
35:15Oh, yeah.
35:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
35:28Hello again.
35:29Part four is it then?
35:30Yes, it is, Greg.
35:31Keep up, mate.
35:32the contestants are all teaching me lessons.
35:35For example, I now know how to wipe myself and belly dance.
35:39Time for my final lesson now,
35:41and it's with Hollywood hotshot Jason Mantoukas.
35:44It occurs to me that you need to be a little bit more assertive.
35:49But first, I need to see you a little bit in your natural environment.
35:53Let's go. Yeah, let's do it.
35:55All right. Jenny.
35:57Here's your tea, Alex. Ooh.
35:58That's so nice of you. Thank you. You're welcome.
36:01That's amazing. Thanks. Bye-bye.
36:05Hello, Alex. Hi, Becky.
36:06We're getting sandwiches for lunch today. What would you like?
36:09Sandwiches, anything at all. Honestly, whatever's easiest for you.
36:12Thank you. Thank you. Mm-mm.
36:15Oh. Hi, Alex.
36:17Amy, this looks amazing. Oh, thanks.
36:19That is so... It's just right. That's perfect. Thank you.
36:23How are you feeling? It's been a tough time, to be honest.
36:25Yeah, the scans came back. The doctor said they were inconclusive.
36:29Oh, not inconclusive. Yeah, I'm just so grateful to be here.
36:31Look, whatever it takes. Honestly, you're such a crucial part of the team.
36:35Oh. I am, too.
36:37Okay. I think I've seen everything I need to see. Let's go.
36:41Okay, that was terrible. Really?
36:42I didn't like that at all. I thought it was good.
36:44What you understand is that these people work for you so you should be polite to them? Wrong.
36:51It doesn't matter how you treat them. They are things. You only focus on what matters to you.
36:59Me. Alex Horn.
37:01Number one.
37:01Everyone else? The things. Who the fuck cares?
37:05These are tools in your toolbox to make this glorious show. Let's do this.
37:14Here's your tea, Alex. Thing?
37:16It's the wrong shade.
37:24What would you like for lunch today?
37:28I want goose. And jelly.
37:34Oh, what's this?
37:36That looks absolutely stupid.
37:39What the frick is this?
37:40Freak?
37:41Hey, hey, what are you doing?
37:42You're a bad boy. You're Alex Horn.
37:45What the fuck is this?
37:47Yes! Yes!
37:48Ha ha ha ha!
37:50Sure?
37:50Yes!
37:51Ah, shit!
37:53I'm so sorry, Alex.
37:54See what? You're fired!
37:56Ooh!
37:57You're never here anyway. You're always going to the hospital.
37:59Go!
38:01Quicker! Quicker!
38:02Let's get her.
38:03You're a pain in the ass.
38:05A pain right in my... What is this?
38:07What is this? Who are you?
38:09Off you go.
38:10Bye-bye!
38:10Bye-bye!
38:12Hey, wait, wait, wait.
38:14You forgot your bag!
38:21That was great.
38:23Fuck you!
38:23Oh!
38:24The student has become the master.
38:27Bye-bye.
38:28APPLAUSE
38:35I am a bit shocked by how well you took that on.
38:38Yeah.
38:39I've learned a lesson looking at that.
38:41It's not ideal.
38:42It's not ideal.
38:44But you do feel a lot of those things in private, I know.
38:46LAUGHTER
38:47It did take quite a bit to get him there.
38:50From Frick to Fuck was a huge transition.
38:53LAUGHTER
38:54Yeah.
38:55From Frick to Fuck?
38:57That's your autobiography title, sir.
38:59LAUGHTER
39:00But I do want to apologise to the members of the team.
39:04Don't ruin it now.
39:05They're things.
39:06They're tools in the toolbox.
39:10LAUGHTER
39:10But who was the best tutor?
39:13Yeah, I'd say Jason leading me by the hand and shouting in my face worked a bit.
39:17A bit?
39:18But it was the warmth of Fatih that I responded to most.
39:21Wow.
39:22Ooh.
39:22Fatih, you're about to get five points for being nice.
39:25Oh, shit.
39:25LAUGHTER
39:26This is going to fuck your brand.
39:29LAUGHTER
39:30So, Fatih gets five points for being nice.
39:36Jason gets four points for coercing a monster from you.
39:39LAUGHTER
39:40So, shrimp or poo?
39:43Or cruelty?
39:44They were all much of a muchness, if I'm completely honest.
39:47Three points each?
39:48OK, yeah, fair enough.
39:49Fair enough, thank you.
39:50APPLAUSE
39:53I hope she's had a peek at those scores.
39:55Yes, well, the series scores are in, and there's two people in the 90s.
39:59Rosie's on 90, Matt on 99, the series we've got in the moment.
40:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:06But in this episode, she's just so lovely, she's in the lead with 16 points.
40:09It's Fatih El Ghori!
40:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:17So sweet, so kind, so in the lead.
40:19OK, it's time.
40:21Please head to the stage for the final task of the show!
40:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:31Hello, honey pie.
40:32I like the hairy girl.
40:35Who's going to be the Tusk guy?
40:36Er, Jason today, please.
40:39Don't blow the last thing off the table.
40:44If you don't blow anything off the table, you are eliminated.
40:47If you do blow the last thing off the table, you are eliminated.
40:50You must stay on the spot and you must not touch the table.
40:54Last player standing wins.
40:56Yes, there'll be four rounds of this.
40:58In each round, there'll be a different lot of things on that table there.
41:01One at a time, you'll come to the spot.
41:03Something has to fall off the table, but if everything goes, you're out.
41:07And ultimately, if there's only one thing left, that person's out.
41:10That is checkmate.
41:11Prepare the table.
41:13I knew it, I knew it.
41:17It's feathers, so at least one feather must leave.
41:21We're going to go from right to left.
41:22We're starting with Stevie.
41:23Watch me fuck this up so bad now.
41:27That's the sort of confidence you get in the Navy.
41:29LAUGHTER
41:32OK.
41:32One bloke, please.
41:33Yeah.
41:34Yeah, all right.
41:35WHISTLE BLOWS
41:37Oh!
41:39APPLAUSE
41:42Just...
41:44Bloody hell, it was touch and go, though, wasn't it?
41:46No, I knew what I was doing.
41:48I was building tension.
41:49LAUGHTER
41:50Rosie's up next.
41:54Lovely. Absolutely lovely.
41:56APPLAUSE
41:57That's his pen.
41:59Oh!
42:01Oh!
42:02Oh!
42:03Oh!
42:04Oh!
42:05That was bold.
42:07LAUGHTER
42:08Up he comes Jason Manzikis.
42:10APPLAUSE
42:13Good luck, Fatia.
42:18LAUGHTER
42:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:22Not a lot left up there.
42:25Not a lot left.
42:26Wow.
42:27Yeah.
42:29Yeah.
42:30Ooh!
42:31APPLAUSE
42:37Ooh!
42:38APPLAUSE
42:40Oh, wow!
42:45Just going to inspect the...
42:47Oh, easy. There's two there.
42:48There's two there.
42:49LAUGHTER
42:50That's all he's lost.
42:51Well done.
42:52Oh, I'm lucky.
42:52I'm lucky.
42:53Yeah.
42:54OK, round two.
42:55OK, round two.
42:56Little pictures of...
42:58Of Greg.
42:59LAUGHTER
43:00OK, blow me, Jason.
43:01Happily, my friend.
43:02OK, round one, round two.
43:04One, round two.
43:05Oh, I'm lucky.
43:05One, round two.
43:06Yeah.
43:07OK, round two.
43:10Little pictures of...
43:12Of Greg.
43:13LAUGHTER
43:14OK, blow me, Jason.
43:16Happily, my friend.
43:17LAUGHTER
43:19OK, blow me.
43:20OK, blow me.
43:21OK.
43:22APPLAUSE
43:24Lovely.
43:26LAUGHTER
43:28One word, one word.
43:30APPLAUSE
43:31Yes!
43:32Yes!
43:33LAUGHTER
43:34Here we go.
43:35BEEPING
43:37BEEPING
43:38BEEPING
43:39BEEPING
43:40Oh, fuck!
43:40LAUGHTER
43:41I didn't mean to I didn't mean to arrogance of someone trying a double blow in this competition
44:11Yeah, we're up in the professional league
44:34That was tactical play lovely
44:41Oh
44:57Speak for all of us and say I can't believe this is watchable and yet everyone riveted
45:11Yeah
45:13You can see why they're in the final
45:18Oh, it's nearly two breaths
45:20How was it nearly two breaths?
45:21Well, there was one
45:25Oh, I hate you so much
45:29Oh
45:31Now we're interested
45:33Now we're playing, now we're playing with power
45:35We're playing with power
45:41He's left it open though, he's left it open
45:49Oh
45:50No, problems
45:52Problems
45:53Problems
45:54That's probably for Fatia, right?
45:56Yeah, it feels like it
45:57Well, well, well, yes like a lot of things in this show surprisingly watchable really good
45:59Mmm
46:01Matt unfortunately out first gets to 1.2 to Stevie 3 to Rosie then it was between Fatia and Jason at the end
46:05Oh
46:06Oh
46:07Oh
46:08Oh
46:09Oh
46:10Oh
46:11Oh
46:12Oh
46:13Oh
46:14Oh
46:15Oh
46:16Oh
46:17Oh
46:18Oh
46:19Oh
46:20Oh
46:21Oh
46:22ì Š
46:26Oh
46:27Oh
46:28Oh
46:29It's a lot of things in this show surprisingly watchable really good
46:30Mmm
46:32Matt unfortunately out first gets the one point two to Stevie three to Rosie then it was between Fatia and Jason at the end
46:35Four to Fatia and Jason one eight gets the five points so well done Jason Manzo
46:37Yeah
46:38But how does it affect the overall scores Greg I don't know you won't believe it they've now all got even-numbered scores I love it
46:44Stevie at the bottom with 14 at the other end with 20 points for the first time it's Fatia
46:50Fatshia!
46:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:54Fatshia and Gory Waves!
46:57Please come to the show by opening your things a nice welcome!
47:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE