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  • 19/06/2025
Taskmaster - S19 E08 - Science All Your Life

Taskmaster - S19 E09 >>> https://dai.ly/x9lye76

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😹
Fun
Transcript
00:00This was a mistake!
00:04Shut up!
00:05Button?
00:14You're mad.
00:16Wow.
00:30APPLAUSE
00:34Hello!
00:36Welcome to Taskmaster, as they call it in Wales.
00:39All right, boys, how's it going?
00:41Dear, it's called at the moment, isn't it?
00:43Ooh, I've had to wear my big court, fair play.
00:45It is called mine, didn't it?
00:47Hey, do you know my brother?
00:49He looks like my brother, he doesn't!
00:51The competition is really hurtling towards a conclusion,
00:55so please welcome the Warriors, holding on for dear life.
00:58They are...
01:14And next to me, a man who says that women
01:17should be like the landmark Shard Building in London.
01:20They should look attractive, remain silent
01:23and have a glass ceiling firmly in place.
01:26LAUGHTER
01:30Don't shoot the messenger!
01:32Shoot...
01:33Little Alex Hall!
01:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:37What's an opinion?
01:38Hello, Greg.
01:39Hello, mate.
01:40Hello.
01:41I've just got to do some admin before we start, I'm so sorry.
01:43But today, for the viewers at home
01:45and people watching at the big screen in Trafalgar Square,
01:48here is your bingo code.
01:50So just scan that now.
01:52One of you could be a lucky winner.
01:54And, um...
01:55Greg, if you wouldn't mind, we'll just do a quick selfie.
01:59Is that all right?
02:00It's just my...
02:01One of my mum's friends really fancies you, so...
02:03LAUGHTER
02:04One of your mum's friends?
02:06LAUGHTER
02:08Thank you to smile.
02:10Actually, it's a video.
02:11Actually, it's for Jennifer, really.
02:13Just...
02:14Hello, Jennifer.
02:15Lovely, yeah.
02:16I understand you fancy me.
02:17LAUGHTER
02:18Well, strap yourself in.
02:20LAUGHTER
02:21Thanks, Greg. She'll love that, honestly.
02:23Right.
02:24Let's have the price tag category, please, Alex.
02:26You sure can, Greg.
02:27This time you've asked them to bring in the best object
02:29that you've borrowed from a fairly close friend.
02:32Hmm.
02:33It's down to you to judge the best borrowed object
02:35and the winner of the whole episode will sort of own
02:37five things that actually belong to other people
02:39that are sort of friends of the cast.
02:40Done.
02:42Stevie, what have you borrowed?
02:43So, um, I went to a wedding,
02:46and it was one of my very close friends,
02:49and she really liked Lord of the Rings, but her partner doesn't.
02:52And so it was a compromise.
02:53She put, like, a secret bit on her website,
02:56and it said if you wanted to get dressed up
02:58as a Lord of the Rings character for the party bit,
03:00then you could.
03:01So I borrowed loads of things,
03:03one of which was this sword, a foam sword.
03:05Here it is.
03:06Um, four people in the entire wedding
03:08had just put some little cloaks on,
03:10and I went as the Witch King of Angmar,
03:12um, the Lord of Naz...
03:14APPLAUSE
03:18Is that the bride there, Stevie?
03:19That's the bride.
03:20I mean, I looked at that and I thought,
03:22God, you look different without make-up on.
03:24LAUGHTER
03:25And then I realised you were the Witch King of Angmar.
03:28LAUGHTER
03:29Well done.
03:31This is...
03:32Might be your best thing so far.
03:33Yes!
03:34Three points.
03:35LAUGHTER
03:36Oh, I...
03:37I don't see it going past three, for sure.
03:39LAUGHTER
03:40Matthew.
03:41Well, for me, it was a case of, er,
03:44Jim Howick's two-man kayak.
03:46And here it is.
03:47LAUGHTER
03:48So I remembered he had this,
03:50and I thought that would be a pretty significant thing
03:54to have borrowed from a fairly close friend.
03:56Yeah.
03:57So I managed to persuade him that I needed to borrow it
04:01to let my kids go kayaking.
04:03Why didn't you just tell him you were borrowed for this?
04:06Well, why did you have to tell this ridiculous life?
04:09Is that an option?
04:10LAUGHTER
04:12That wouldn't be funny!
04:14LAUGHTER
04:16How would that be funny?
04:18Fatia, can you beat a kayak?
04:20Yeah, I can.
04:21You know when you're struggling in life, yeah,
04:23and things are hard, and then everything,
04:25every part of your life starts to suffer.
04:27So there was a point in my life where I was struggling,
04:30with Faith particularly,
04:31and then there was a girl that I was working with,
04:34and she gave me a prayer mat.
04:37And here it is, on Taskmaster.
04:38There it is.
04:39Aw. Nice.
04:40And every time I struggle in something,
04:42I always look at this and remember, like,
04:44the hope at the end of it.
04:45So I'm grateful, and, um, yeah, that was it,
04:48and, um, good luck making that funny.
04:50LAUGHTER
04:52APPLAUSE
04:54There are not many people, I would argue,
04:58on television globally, in my position,
05:01who would have the sheer audacity
05:03to put a rubber sword above an Islamic prayer.
05:08LAUGHTER
05:13I've got to say, it feels like quite the test.
05:15LAUGHTER
05:16It's a really lovely story and a lovely object.
05:19Rosie.
05:21So, I... It's lovely. Really lovely.
05:23And I'm so glad it brings you so much joy.
05:27Erm, I brought in, erm, a pelvic floor exerciser.
05:30LAUGHTER
05:32APPLAUSE
05:34APPLAUSE
05:40Sorry, somebody wants that back.
05:42LAUGHTER
05:44You...
05:45..borrowed it?
05:46LAUGHTER
05:47I did, yeah.
05:48Who did you borrow it from?
05:49My fairly close sister.
05:51LAUGHTER
05:52She'd have lied.
05:53She's being honest, which is good.
05:54I know, yeah, no, but I...
05:55We've got the same juice.
05:56LAUGHTER
05:57LAUGHTER
05:58Everyone's got their hands on their face.
06:00Everyone's got their hands on their face.
06:02Everyone.
06:03Like, I washed it in that, obviously.
06:04Obviously!
06:05She'll pop back to the prayer mat for a bit, or...?
06:06LAUGHTER
06:07One more, there's one more break.
06:08Oh, God, this is awful.
06:09I dread to think what you've brought in.
06:10LAUGHTER
06:11So, the best thing to borrow from a close friend,
06:12or a semi-close friend...
06:13Mm-hm.
06:14..is, for me, a prize that has previously been awarded five points
06:17in the prize task category.
06:18Let's see it.
06:19That's nice.
06:20He borrowed this...
06:21..from Fatia.
06:22You wank up!
06:23LAUGHTER
06:24LAUGHTER
06:25This is the Taskmaster pop-up book that Matthew brought,
06:28and Fatia won, and I asked to look at it,
06:31and she said, yeah, go ahead, borrow it.
06:33Take it as long as you want.
06:34This was 45 minutes ago.
06:35LAUGHTER
06:36A prize that has previously been awarded five points
06:38in the prize task category.
06:39Let's see it.
06:40He borrowed this from Fatia.
06:41You wank up!
06:42LAUGHTER
06:43This is the Taskmaster pop-up book
06:44that Matthew brought, and Fatia won,
06:47and I asked to look at it, and she said,
06:49yeah, go ahead, borrow it, take it as long as you want.
06:51This was 45 minutes ago.
06:53LAUGHTER
06:56So, and you gave it five points last time,
06:58so give me them points, baby.
07:00LAUGHTER
07:01OK.
07:02That's everything.
07:03I don't know...
07:04No.
07:05..whether you should be borrowing...
07:07..a device for your vagina.
07:09LAUGHTER
07:11So...
07:12So, one point.
07:13One point to Rose.
07:14Two points to Matthew's thing.
07:16Two to the kayak.
07:17Got it.
07:18Kayaks are boring.
07:19You give three points to Jason.
07:21How dare you!
07:22Stevie wouldn't be getting four points just for the sword
07:26if I hadn't seen that picture of her in that outfit
07:29next to a bride.
07:30And five points for Fatia, because, you know,
07:33of course, it was a genuinely touching story,
07:35and I'm thrilled that it's so important to you.
07:37Five points to Fatia Oghori!
07:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
07:40Let's start the tasks popper!
07:45Yes, and we're going to see them doing their best to impress
07:48in the garden, first of all.
07:50MUSIC PLAYS
08:03Hello.
08:04Hi, Alex.
08:05Hi, Jason.
08:06Hello, Alex.
08:07Lovely to see you.
08:08Lovely to see you.
08:09We were just speaking inside.
08:10Hello.
08:11What's cooking, good looking?
08:12Oh, really?
08:13I went on a school trip bowling, and it went really badly.
08:20Knock over all ten Skittles in ten minutes.
08:23In America, Skittles are a candy.
08:25Ah, what are these?
08:27Bowling pins.
08:29The final Skittle should fall exactly when the whistle sounds.
08:33If any Skittle is left standing after ten minutes,
08:37you have failed.
08:39You must stay behind the rope at all times.
08:42Closest to ten minutes wins.
08:44Your time starts now.
08:47I mean, it's pointless asking.
08:49There's not a bowling ball that you've got there, is there?
08:51You could do whatever you want behind that rope.
09:00You alluded to a terrible bowling trip there.
09:03Yes.
09:04Do you want to talk about it?
09:05Not really.
09:06No.
09:07I get...
09:08I got bullied at school and that's where it started.
09:10So...
09:11It's not...
09:13You ass!
09:14It's not funny!
09:15Put the prayer mat up.
09:18Come on, let's bounce.
09:19Let's bounce.
09:20OK, well, first up, and I hope they do really, really well at this one,
09:23it's Jason, Matt and Stevie's attempts.
09:27I'm going to smash this because I, um,
09:30went on a bowling trip with Skittle and, uh, came last,
09:34and it was the pinnacle of the bullying experience
09:38and I...
09:39No-one sat with me on the bus home.
09:40So sorry to trigger you.
09:41So I just need to clear them all but one for now.
09:46That won't do it.
09:47Yeah.
09:48Yeah.
09:49Yeah.
09:50Yeah.
09:51Yeah.
09:54Pretty great, right?
09:55Pretty good.
09:56You want the last one going down in 9 minutes time.
09:58time. Three. Sorry about the pot. Not bad. Okay. I care nothing for your cameras. Yeah, you've done one. Look out.
10:28No. One minute five. Ooh. Watch out. Yes! What's the time? 50 seconds. Okay.
10:58Are you okay? I think I'm over the line. 12 seconds left. Three Skittles still. They
11:13need to all go down. He passed me the brick. Yes! One brick!
11:22Five. My hands are shaking. No, come on. One. I mean, that was... Hmm. I'm really sorry. I'm just a bit upset. I'm
11:42really sorry. I'm really sorry. Sorry, this is so stupid. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Stevie, it must have been an easier way, Matthew.
11:49Stupid! Jason?
11:56What the hell is going on? It's not a real episode. It's just...
12:04APPLAUSE
12:06What the hell is going on?
12:08LAUGHTER
12:09It's not a real episode, is this...?
12:11LAUGHTER
12:12Rubbish, rubbish.
12:14Rubbish all round.
12:16What's next?
12:18It was a shame.
12:19Well, next up, I'm just going to shut up and press play.
12:22BUZZER
12:27Ebenis.
12:30Shall we? Yes.
12:32..fail the next task in the most heartbreakingly spectacular way?
12:38I'm really sorry.
12:39Stevie?
12:40I'm sorry, this is so stupid, I'm sorry.
12:41Stevie?
12:42If you succeed in the next task, you will lose one point.
12:47So, the next task... Yeah.
12:49..are you going to succeed?
12:51Yeah.
12:52How?
12:53By failing.
12:54Good.
12:57So, after this, you're going to go out there, turn left and do a task.
13:00How long?
13:01Two seconds.
13:02You need to fail that task.
13:04BUZZER
13:05If you succeed in the next task, you will lose one point.
13:10Huh?
13:11Let's do it.
13:12Come on.
13:13Where are we going?
13:14We're going out there.
13:18Hi, Jason.
13:19Hello, Alex.
13:20Lovely to see you.
13:21Lovely to see you.
13:22We were just speaking inside.
13:23Were we?
13:24Yeah.
13:25Just, like, mere moments ago.
13:31Well, thank God.
13:33So, that means that was a fake fall you did?
13:35A planned fall.
13:36It was real.
13:37Yeah.
13:38Let me be clear.
13:39I fell hard.
13:40Really good.
13:41Jason also chose violence for the 12th time in the series.
13:46Violence against myself.
13:49And the cameraman when you threw a...
13:50Oh, yeah, I don't think of them as people.
13:52Oh, God.
13:53Oh, I'd love it if you were out of focus for the rest of the episode.
14:04Matthew, I genuinely thought that was your actual attempt.
14:08Because you've been so close to some sort of collapse mentally,
14:12I thought, yeah, I mean, he's nearly there now.
14:15Oh, God.
14:16Thank God.
14:17It was quite harrowing.
14:18It's all right.
14:19I felt very hot and sweaty and embarrassed watching that clip.
14:23A total light?
14:24I got bullied, but not that badly, and not at bowling.
14:30So they all did well, weren't they, so far?
14:32It's most heartbreakingly spectacular.
14:33And they all came down right to the end.
14:35These two missed the final one at the last second,
14:38and 20 seconds before the end, Jason fell.
14:41OK, break time.
14:42Power nuff or power crap?
14:44That's up to you, my friends, but whatever you do,
14:46please don't do both at the same time.
14:49That's a nice sofa.
14:50See you in a minute.
14:51APPLAUSE
15:02Hello!
15:03Welcome back to part two of Taskmaster.
15:05There have been some unintentionally glorious failures
15:08on this show over the years,
15:10and now they're trying their best to fail on purpose.
15:14Yeah, boy, this is some next-level stuff.
15:17Wah! Pah! Isn't it?
15:19The task they need to fail is to knock over ten skittles in ten minutes.
15:23If they succeed at the task, they will lose one point.
15:26Now, for the final two heartbreakingly spectacular contestants,
15:29it's rosy and fattier.
15:34What do I use?
15:36What would you normally use?
15:38Are you looking for anything in particular?
15:39Yeah, I'm looking for some balls.
15:41These aren't really that heavy.
15:46Ooh, yes! Come on.
15:50Are you ready?
15:51I'm ready.
15:52I'll get one, I'll get one.
15:58Oh!
16:02That's a good strategy, right?
16:03They've all got to go down.
16:04I know, I'm trying, I'm trying.
16:06In the next five minutes.
16:07Watch out, everyone.
16:08OK.
16:12Yes! Yes! Come on!
16:13Maybe if I'll throw it.
16:15Maybe.
16:16Hold on.
16:21Yes!
16:23Two left.
16:24You don't want to knock them all down.
16:25Right.
16:29Oh!
16:32The last one's going to fall at exactly ten minutes.
16:36Wow.
16:37I'm coming.
16:38OK, you need to get them all down.
16:39OK.
16:44You haven't knocked any down.
16:46How do you feel?
16:47Terrible.
16:48I'm the best thrower in my borough.
16:51And now, look.
16:52Yeah.
17:00Congratulations.
17:01You've knocked over all ten,
17:02and there's just two and a half minutes left.
17:04LAUGHTER
17:10Just, erm...
17:11Check the wording of the task.
17:13Fail the next task in the most...
17:14Oh, heartbreakingly spectacular.
17:16Sorry, I thought it was just shit.
17:20And you didn't fail.
17:21No, I know.
17:22I didn't really understand.
17:23And he talked to me for ages about it,
17:25and I just...
17:26I nodded, didn't I?
17:27Yeah.
17:28And I was like, yeah.
17:29I went, I didn't have a clue.
17:30LAUGHTER
17:31So, what does that mean?
17:33Rosie gets...
17:34Well, it means it's mad that she's in second place in the series,
17:36but, erm...
17:40She has to get minus one point.
17:42That's it.
17:43You have to go down a point in the series.
17:44I'm sorry.
17:45What?!
17:46Oh, you don't understand.
17:47You have to lose a point.
17:48I lose a point?!
17:49So, all we know is that Rosie definitely gets minus one point
17:51because she succeeded in the task.
17:53The rest all failed, so it's up to you.
17:54Who was the most heartbreakingly spectacular?
17:56Fatia, do you think that was heartbreaking or spectacular?
17:59I think it was bloody spectacular.
18:02Well, I'm here to tell you, it was neither of them.
18:06You're so cruel, but it just makes me want you more.
18:11Exactly my tactic, my friend.
18:13OK, two to Fatia.
18:14OK, Matthews was generally quite heartbreaking
18:17because it was, you know, part of his ongoing breakdown.
18:21Right?
18:22But I think we have to reward Jason's incredible stunt at the end.
18:26OK.
18:27Spectacular.
18:28Three to Matthews, four to Jason.
18:29Yeah, and then...
18:30No.
18:31Obviously.
18:32Yeah.
18:33I mean, I genuinely believed you were bullied.
18:36I was, but not that bad.
18:37But not that bad.
18:38So it's all cool.
18:39Five points.
18:40Five points to see you back in.
18:45Hey, what's the scores?
18:46After two tasks, Rosie's got zero points.
18:48At the other end of the table,
18:49we've got Stevie Martin on nine points!
18:55Right, another one now.
18:56Yes, please.
18:57Well, it's an arty team task next that's got them all in a spin.
19:13You go first this time.
19:14Oh, thank you.
19:15Hello team.
19:16Hello.
19:17Please stand on the spot.
19:19Yep.
19:20Good luck.
19:22JV Marzucas!
19:23JV Marzucas!
19:24Each person must write down three words to describe a memorable scene.
19:30You must be silent throughout.
19:33And your teammate must not see what you have written.
19:37You have one minute.
19:39Your time starts now.
19:41Three words, memorable scene on that card, please.
19:44A memorable scene.
19:46Like a scene in a film.
19:48Just a memorable scene.
19:49That's all the information.
19:51Okay, I'm just going to collect in those cards.
20:01And that's for you.
20:04Aww.
20:05That's the second part of the task.
20:07Okay.
20:08Okay, here we go.
20:10Paint your memorable scene so that your teammate can guess your three words.
20:15You must not give any clues about your own three words scene except by painting the scene.
20:22You must not write any words.
20:24Fastest wins.
20:25Your time starts when the turntable turns.
20:30Turn the turntable.
20:38What?
20:39Are you joking?
20:40Have we got to do it?
20:41Are you kidding me?
20:43Are you kidding me?
20:49Your nickname is not going to catch on.
20:51Yes, it is.
20:52It makes you both less memorable.
20:54What?
20:55What is it?
20:56JV Matzoukas.
20:57JV Matzoukas.
20:58We should get a point for having a team name and team spirit.
21:00Yeah.
21:01And we've lost every team task so far.
21:04You have been bad.
21:06Good.
21:07Good.
21:08Let's spin the canvases, man.
21:10Will do.
21:11I suppose we might as well start with a team of two.
21:14Jason and...
21:16JV Matzoukas.
21:17Better known as...
21:18JV Matzoukas.
21:20Yes.
21:22Turn the turntable.
21:25Okay.
21:26Oh.
21:27Oh, I see.
21:28Okay.
21:32Don't guess yet.
21:37Rabbit.
21:38That is one of the words.
21:39Okay.
21:40Oh, dang.
21:41Okay.
21:42I'm bad at this.
21:45Now it just looks like boobs.
21:46It looks like boobs, but it's not boobs.
21:47I won't guess boobs?
21:48Yeah.
21:49Wait.
21:50Guess, guess, guess.
21:51Based on medicine?
21:52Oh, sorry.
21:53Poison.
21:54Skull and crossbones.
21:55Pirate.
21:56Medicine.
21:59What?
22:00Woman?
22:01Yeah.
22:02Graveyard.
22:03Yeah.
22:04Oh, son of a bitch.
22:05Like what more can I possibly do than what I've done?
22:08Mountain's dead.
22:09Dead is right.
22:13Car.
22:14Yes.
22:15You've got all of Stevie.
22:16She's got none of yours.
22:17None of mine?
22:18Oh, what is it?
22:19Oh, it's a lip.
22:20It's a car.
22:21It's a boat.
22:22Smiling.
22:23Smiling.
22:24Lip smiling.
22:25Sad face.
22:26Oh, love.
22:27Kissing.
22:28Kiss.
22:29Kiss is correct.
22:30Boobs kissing.
22:31It doesn't feel like you're doing anything.
22:32Turn them around and start again, maybe.
22:34Yeah, great.
22:35That's a great idea.
22:36I'm going to do that.
22:37Okay.
22:38So we're starting again.
22:39Right.
22:40Here it comes.
22:41Oh, baby.
22:42Babies kissing.
22:43It would be memorable.
22:45Oh.
22:46Oh.
22:47I see.
22:48Slap.
22:49Yes.
22:50Correct.
22:51One to go.
22:52We've got two words right now.
22:53Okay.
22:54Kiss.
22:55Slap.
22:56Look.
22:57What is that?
22:59Glare.
23:00Glower.
23:01Yes.
23:02Yes.
23:03Yes.
23:04Please.
23:05Look, glimpse.
23:06Glance.
23:07Glance is right.
23:08I've stopped the clock.
23:09You went from glower to glimpse to glance.
23:11I got glance from that.
23:12That's incredible.
23:18Can I just say something?
23:19Before we did it, when we wrote the words, Jason went,
23:22just so you know, when we're writing these words,
23:24we're probably going to have to paint them.
23:25And then he wrote glance.
23:27This was a real low point for JV Martzoukas because I felt,
23:32I felt particularly bad for Stevie because I am dog shit at
23:37every element of this.
23:38What?
23:39This is going to come as a surprise.
23:41I'm willing to say I'm not good at art.
23:44And this, ladies and gentlemen, marks the first time that
23:48Jason has admitted that he's bad at anything.
23:51Unless it's boobs, which I can draw when I'm trying to draw anything.
23:55It comes out looking like boobs.
23:59Thank you for saluting me.
24:00This might be your journey to becoming British, you know,
24:02a bit of self-doubt.
24:03Oh, Daddy!
24:05OK.
24:08OK, advert time.
24:09In a troubled world, what better moment to take the hand
24:12of that special person in your life
24:14and tell them that you love them?
24:19Do you want me to get the belt again?
24:22I'm so sorry. I thought you wanted me to... No?
24:24We'll see you in a minute.
24:25I'm so sorry.
24:26APPLAUSE
24:37Here we are.
24:38It's the start of the second half of the show.
24:40There's a team task which needs closure.
24:42So the task involves each contestant painting a memorable scene
24:45on their canvas, which can be described in three words.
24:48And they then have to guess what each other three words are
24:51from their paintings.
24:53Fatia, Matthew and Rosie are all in one team,
24:55so this won't be straightforward.
24:58Oh, for God's sake.
25:00Right, that's yours then.
25:02Right, this is mine.
25:06Oh, sugar.
25:08Do you know what? I like this, yeah,
25:09cos I used to do art,
25:10so I'm going to smash this right up.
25:13Guess what the others are.
25:16Lightning.
25:17No.
25:18Storm.
25:19That is one of the worst.
25:21Is yours Jaws?
25:22It's three words.
25:23Captain Phillips?
25:24No, no, it's three words.
25:25Is it love?
25:26Love is one of the words, correct.
25:27Love.
25:28Are we guessing the film?
25:29Ocean.
25:30No, you're just guessing the three words that you've eaten.
25:32Oh, just words.
25:34Giraffe?
25:35No.
25:40Is it drowning?
25:41Correct.
25:42We're looking for six more words.
25:43Wow.
25:45You've added details.
25:46Is it a sex scene?
25:47Romeo and Juliet.
25:49Is it from Titanic?
25:51Is it?
25:52Weirdly, the Titanic was what was in my mind for this.
25:54Can I tell him?
25:55No.
25:56Definitely not.
25:57No.
25:58That would give it away.
25:59Is that you might have guessed the words?
26:00Well, I think you should have done that a while ago.
26:02Oh.
26:04French women.
26:05French is correct.
26:06Oh, yeah.
26:07I can't give any clues, can I?
26:09No, you can by painting.
26:11Life drawing.
26:12Posing.
26:13Figurative.
26:14Masturbating.
26:17Touching yourself.
26:18Are you giving me a clue?
26:19Seduction.
26:20Am I?
26:21Yes.
26:22Seduction.
26:23Seductive.
26:24Yeah, let's try it.
26:25What could your word be?
26:26Mine is so easy.
26:27Where are they?
26:28Restaurant.
26:29Cafe.
26:30Cafe is right.
26:31Yes!
26:32Oh.
26:33Is it them?
26:34What's it called?
26:35It's the film.
26:36Harry and Sally.
26:37Correct.
26:38Yay!
26:39High five, bruh.
26:40We've got Harry, Sally, Cafe.
26:42Storm, Love, Drowning.
26:43And French.
26:44Yeah.
26:45Sexy.
26:46Sexy is correct.
26:47OK, now, my last word.
26:49How do you draw this?
26:50What's the film?
26:51Titanic.
26:52And what's the scene?
26:53The scene where he paints her naked.
26:55Using?
26:56Using paints.
26:57Pencil.
26:58Crayons.
27:01Charcoal.
27:02Correct!
27:03It's off the turntable!
27:05I'm so sorry.
27:06I'm so sorry.
27:07I remember the bit where he drowns more.
27:14Well, Rosie, I put it to you that for the vast majority of that time,
27:18you didn't understand it.
27:19No.
27:20No.
27:21No, I didn't.
27:22What's absolutely fascinating is even when you understood it,
27:25you chose to depict the scene where Kate Winslet gets painted
27:30with the words sexy French charcoal.
27:35She says, draw me like one of those French girls.
27:38It's just such a strange combination.
27:40I don't know where these things come from in my brain.
27:42And when Rosie was arguably cheating by simply playing charades,
27:47Matthew's guess was figurative masturbation.
27:51And then Fatih stepped in and went, what, touching yourself?
27:56I mean...
27:58It's just madness.
28:00OK, let's hear the timings first.
28:02Yeah, total timings.
28:03I mean, arguably, the team of three had a harder job
28:05because they had three to get rather than two,
28:07but they were substantially slower.
28:09Six minutes, ten for the team of two,
28:1112 minutes, 16 for the team of three.
28:13So, I suppose, three minutes per painting
28:15or four minutes per painting.
28:16The team of two definitely won it,
28:18so they get five points, I think.
28:19Five points for Stevie and Jason.
28:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:27Well done.
28:28So, how many points for the team of three?
28:30Yes, I'm going to give them three points
28:32because, you know, there was some creativity going on there,
28:34a bit of cheating.
28:35They took twice as long.
28:36Three seems fair.
28:37The team of three get three, the team of two get five!
28:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:42I would like another task right away!
28:45Yes, right, here we go.
28:46Oh, sorry, can you go off a bit?
28:48Sorry, Lizzie.
28:49That's it, go back a bit.
28:50Back a bit.
28:51Back a bit more, that's it.
28:52Stop.
28:53Sorry, not that.
28:55Go, go back again.
28:56OK, yeah, from there, please.
28:58Good.
28:59Right, here's the next task.
29:00I came in with a bang.
29:16Jason.
29:17Lots of props.
29:21Obey the autocue.
29:29OK.
29:30The most authoritative delivery with the fewest mistakes wins.
29:36Oh!
29:38Your time starts when the autocue starts.
29:41Have you used autocue before?
29:43No.
29:44APPLAUSE
29:46Rosie, I forget that you're a mother.
29:49You've got two children, right?
29:50Yeah.
29:51And every now and again, you just get a brief insight into it.
29:55And the way that you arrived at this task and assessed it,
29:58it looked like a mum going into a kid's room and going,
30:01look at the state of this bedroom.
30:03Can you just show the clip?
30:04I know the bit.
30:05It's this bit.
30:06LAUGHTER
30:07APPLAUSE
30:14OK, good.
30:15Who's first?
30:16Yes, it's time to try out our first three young science presenters,
30:18Jason, Matt and Rosie.
30:21Commence the autocue.
30:22Oh, hello, folks.
30:24My name is scientist Dr Rosie slash Ramsay.
30:28Dr Jackson Mickey.
30:32My name is Dr Dark Stuff.
30:35And I'd like to welcome you all to Science Today Today.
30:41Science Today.
30:43Science Today.
30:44What's going to happen?
30:46And science all your life.
30:48Get fucking buckled in!
30:51Science Today!
30:52Here we go!
30:54So, what's on today's Science Today show?
30:58We're going to do two scientific demonstrations,
31:00and I guarantee...
31:01They'll both blow your mind.
31:06Let me think.
31:07Which two experiments should we do today on Science Today?
31:11OK, we will do...
31:13One.
31:14One.
31:15And three.
31:16Number one and number three.
31:18Oh, yes.
31:19So that means you'll see me do the...
31:21Bounce experiment!
31:23Ha-ha, boing!
31:24Boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing.
31:27This ball is so bouncy that every time you drop it,
31:31and that's drop, not throw.
31:33It bounces up to a much higher place than where it started.
31:36I know.
31:37Matt, watch this.
31:42Failure.
31:43This fantastical orb has a tiny track out inside,
31:46which means it always returns to exactly where it was thrown from.
31:50Don't believe me?
31:51You will soon.
32:01Ta-da!
32:02Are we joking?
32:03Let's move on to my second experiment.
32:07Yes!
32:08Yes!
32:09Did you know a rainbow changes the colour of the whole sky?
32:12I think that's right.
32:13I can't remember.
32:14I'm having trouble sleeping.
32:17There was this time a few years ago
32:19when I actually was dropped from a very high height.
32:26I hit someone in my car.
32:34I think they were still OK,
32:37but I panicked and I drove away.
32:41Ten years ago...
32:44I was lost at sea.
32:47Anyway, there's a way you can change the colour of other things too.
32:51And that way is called...
32:53paint.
32:58Paint!
33:02If you shut your eyes and really concentrate,
33:04you can actually tell the colour of paint by its smell.
33:08Take this tub here, OK?
33:10I'm going to put the tub behind my back
33:11and open it without looking at it.
33:13Now, I'm going to do a big sniff of the air in front of me.
33:20That's definitely blue.
33:21Blue.
33:22Blue.
33:23White.
33:24Blue.
33:25Blue.
33:26Blue.
33:27Blue.
33:34Blue.
33:35Blue.
33:36Blue.
33:37Blue.
33:38Blue.
33:39Blue.
33:40Blue.
33:41That's the one.
33:43Yellow.
33:44It'll make a brand-new colour.
33:46That colour is called Blallo.
33:49And that colour is called...
33:53James.
33:56Once they're mixed together,
33:58I can use my thumb as a paintbrush on this.
34:01Oh, it's like a brown colour, isn't it?
34:03What's brown? A piece of turd.
34:06And, hey, presto, I've made a Blallo car.
34:11Boobs!
34:15I've got to go now.
34:17But not before I sing the theme tune again.
34:19Exactly the same as I sang it first time round.
34:22Let's dance together!
34:23Goodbye, everyone.
34:24Science today.
34:26Science today.
34:27Dr Rosie Ramsey.
34:29Science today.
34:30Science yesterday.
34:31Getting for science today, not science tomorrow.
34:34Science today.
34:36I will kill you!
34:41APPLAUSE
34:43When I was a child growing up in the 1970s,
34:46the BBC used to show really boring open university lecturers.
34:51It was so tedious and awful.
34:53For the vast majority of it, that's what Matthew reminded me of.
34:56LAUGHTER
34:58That's what I was going for.
34:59And then, every now and then, something weird just sneaked in.
35:03Here's science, Matt.
35:05Science today.
35:07And science all your life.
35:10APPLAUSE
35:12I guess those broadcasts when you were a child were different over in the States.
35:17Much more aggressive.
35:18Yeah.
35:19Yeah, get fucking buckled in.
35:22I don't know how relevant I will kill you is.
35:26Listen, you know what that's going to do?
35:29Bring them back for the next episode.
35:31I mean, the thing I thought about Rosie was she's just a pretty good presenter.
35:35Wasn't she?
35:36That was a task.
35:37Yeah?
35:38OK, let's stop for the last time and take a break.
35:41Come back when someone will win and then have to give back some borrowed prizes.
35:46And there was me thinking this show couldn't get any more low rent.
35:50We'll see you in a minute.
35:51APPLAUSE
35:52Welcome back.
35:53It's the last part of the show and the cast are auditioning to be children's TV science presenters.
36:09Yes, they are.
36:10Because that's what the task told them to do and no-one seems to question the premise.
36:14Now, for our final two.
36:16It is Stevie and it is Fatia.
36:18Oh, hello, folks.
36:21My name's Dr. Darth Lightfinger.
36:24My name is F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-Furr.
36:29And I'd like to welcome you all to Science Today Today.
36:35Which two experiments shall we do today on Science Today?
36:40Hmm.
36:41I'm going to pick one and four.
36:45Number one, the bounce experiment.
36:48Boing, boing, boing, boing, boing.
36:50Boingy, boing.
36:51This ball is so bouncy.
36:53Watch this.
36:55Good Lord!
36:57This fantastical ball has a tiny tracker inside.
37:01This is what...
37:02Woo!
37:03And I'll also do number two, the toothpaste experiment.
37:09The balloon popping experiment.
37:12Nobody likes the sounds of balloons popping, do they?
37:15Especially not me.
37:16As everyone knows, elephants have teeth that can grow to this big.
37:22Well, you can easily stop a balloon from popping by filling it with liquid.
37:27The best way to get toothpaste for your elephant is to manufacture it in your home.
37:33Here we go, bruv.
37:38This is not going to work.
37:40Stop!
37:44First, I just need to add this yeast to my warm water.
37:49I'm stirring vigorously.
37:52See?
37:53I told you I could do it.
37:55Now!
37:56This is crazy.
37:57And I'll put all the glitter into the special elephant's toothpaste mixture bottle.
38:02I'm also going to blow a balloon up now.
38:05With the gas inside my body, I'm not farting into a balloon.
38:08Are you mad?
38:09I always make a horrible retching sound.
38:12Sorry about that.
38:14Watch the chemicals react.
38:24When I put a sharp pin on the first balloon, it won't make a noise at all.
38:31It will be absolutely silent.
38:34Oh, my God, is it going to blow?
38:36Oh, my God, I can't do it.
38:38Oh, bruv.
38:43Look at that.
38:44David Attenborough, you can suck it.
38:46Look at that, bruv.
38:47Now, now, let's give him a little clean.
38:50Cover your ears.
38:54It's bang time.
38:56OK, here we go.
38:57Oh, my God.
38:58There we go.
39:01That was science today.
39:03Today.
39:04Woo!
39:05Goodbye, everyone.
39:06Science, science, science.
39:08State of life!
39:09Science is a shit.
39:10Science is great!
39:11Science is great!
39:12Science is great!
39:13Science!
39:14Science is great!
39:15Science!
39:20Dr Darce Leisvenger.
39:22Yes.
39:23I just thought she was quite a good presenter.
39:25OK.
39:26Until...
39:27I just...
39:28The noise you made when you were cleaning the elephant's dust.
39:31I didn't hear it.
39:32Well, let's have a listen.
39:33Here we go.
39:34Whoa!
39:35Whoa!
39:36Whoa!
39:37Whoa!
39:38OK, I get that, yeah.
39:40Not yet.
39:41Yeah.
39:42OK.
39:43The scientist was called...
39:45I couldn't...
39:48Do you know what?
39:49As soon as I walked in and I saw the balloons on the side,
39:51I was like, oh, shit.
39:52So I couldn't really think of anything.
39:54I just wonder...
39:55Yeah.
39:56If you were a children's science presenter, OK,
39:59when you put the pin into the balloon that has a bit of water in it,
40:02you, Fatia, were genuinely amazed it had worked.
40:05LAUGHTER
40:06You went...
40:07LAUGHTER
40:08Then you had to get back into a fair character.
40:11LAUGHTER
40:12And I just wonder if...
40:14Should a children's science teacher,
40:17when she sticks a pin into a balloon and she's amazed by it,
40:20should she say, David Attenborough, you could suck it?
40:23LAUGHTER
40:28And I'd argue, should anyone in this country say,
40:30David Attenborough, you should suck it?
40:33Look at that bruv.
40:35LAUGHTER
40:36Well, it's...
40:37It's most authoritative delivery.
40:38She was authoritative, I think.
40:40But she was authoritative.
40:41But also with fewest mistakes and arguably...
40:44Oh, really?
40:45..you ignored quite a bit of the instructions.
40:47I feel that Rosie was the most accurate and authoritative,
40:52followed by Stevie,
40:53and then Matthew and Fatia and Jason, to me...
40:57Yeah?
40:58..were all very engaging and very interesting,
41:01but had moments of such madness...
41:03LAUGHTER
41:04..that it didn't sit within the word authoritative.
41:07So, you won't like it, but I'm going to give them all three points.
41:11So, it's three to Fatia, three to Jason,
41:13three to Matthew, four to Stevie,
41:15it's five to Rosie Ramsey.
41:16There we go!
41:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:19Can we see the scores, please?
41:20Yes, well, it is still hers to lose.
41:22Stevie's in the lead with 18 points now.
41:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:30OK, everybody, please.
41:31Stay where you are for the final task of the show!
41:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:43Who's going to read the task?
41:44I think Fatia's going to read the task.
41:46Say whether the next person will have a higher
41:49or lower number of things than the previous person.
41:53The category of things will change each time.
41:56If you make two mistakes, you are eliminated.
41:59Last player standing wins.
42:02So, we start with a picture of me,
42:04so it's whether the next person has more or less things than me.
42:07And Greg will tell you what the category of things is.
42:10Ready?
42:11Does the person next in line
42:13have a higher or lower shoe size than Alex?
42:20Reveal the person.
42:21Higher or lower shoe size than Alex Horne.
42:23Not many people have a higher shoe size than me.
42:26In fact, it's only, Greg.
42:27It is Rosie Ramsey.
42:28It is lower.
42:29You are all right.
42:30Yes!
42:33Does the person next in line
42:34have a higher or lower Wikipedia entry word count
42:38than Rosie Ramsey?
42:41They've all gone higher.
42:42All gone higher.
42:43Well, I can tell you, it is actually...
42:44It's Matthew Bainton and it is higher.
42:46It is higher.
42:47Sorry, I've broken one of my paddles.
42:53How and why did you do that?
42:54I was using them to clap.
42:57You even destroy stuff when you don't mean to.
43:00You're welcome.
43:01OK.
43:02Does the person next in line own a higher or lower number
43:06of trainers than Matthew Bainton?
43:08Matthew Bainton.
43:09OK.
43:10We've got three lowers.
43:11We've got two highers.
43:12Matthew, how many pairs of trainers do you own?
43:14Five.
43:15Greg, how many do you own?
43:1716 pairs.
43:18Higher was right.
43:19We have lost a life here, here and at the end.
43:22All the females lose a life.
43:24Has the person next in line owned a higher or lower number
43:28of dogs?
43:30Life total, please.
43:31We've gone higher, higher, lower, lower.
43:33Matt goes higher.
43:34How many dogs have you owned, Greg?
43:36Two dogs!
43:37Oh, fuck.
43:38How many dogs have you owned, Fatia?
43:41Fatia.
43:42Zero, because they stink!
43:44That's right.
43:45Laura is correct.
43:46If you've gone higher, we have lost Fatia Al Gorey.
43:48She gets one penny.
43:52Does the person next in line have a higher or lower number
43:55of nieces than Fatia Al Gorey?
44:00She's got family.
44:02Well, I have six nieces.
44:05Fatia?
44:06Sixteen.
44:07They're all correct.
44:08They all stay in.
44:09They're all good.
44:10It's going to be a big wedding, Greg.
44:11Have you got the dollars?
44:12I have.
44:13Does the next person in line have a lucky number that is higher
44:19or lower than Alex Horne?
44:22Yeah.
44:23Can I ask what the logic is?
44:24I just think he's got a very obtuse, annoying...
44:27Yeah.
44:28Like, 103 or something.
44:29Exactly.
44:30He's not going to just choose six like a normal person.
44:34Well, let's find out.
44:35Jason, you've gone higher and you are the next person.
44:38What is your lucky number, Jason?
44:3911.
44:40Perfectly normal.
44:41My lucky number is...
44:44One.
44:45Whoa!
44:46Oh, no!
44:47It's a trillion!
44:48It's a trillion!
44:49It's a trillion!
44:51Yes!
44:52We've lost Jason Mantzoukas.
44:53He comes fourth.
44:54I knew it.
44:55Has the person next in line visited a higher or lower number
44:58of countries this year than Jason Mantzoukas?
45:00Americans don't usually leave America.
45:02Yeah, but he's a famous man.
45:03Yeah, he is.
45:05And here he is in Britain.
45:10Well, the next person, it's interesting.
45:11A duge?
45:12It's only Greg Davis.
45:13Jason, how many countries have you visited this year?
45:15I believe it's five.
45:17Is it higher or lower?
45:18It's two, Ashley.
45:19It's lower.
45:20We've lost Rosie Ramsey.
45:21Oh!
45:22It's Matthew versus Stevie.
45:26Has the person next in line run a higher or lower number
45:29distance ever in their life than Greg Davis?
45:36It's this person.
45:37Stevie, what's the highest distance you've ever run in one go?
45:4010k.
45:42I tried to run a mile once.
45:45And the man in the park said,
45:47we've been talking, we don't think you should run any more.
45:53Well, this is the final one.
45:54It could, of course, be a draw if you both get this right or wrong.
45:57Has the person next in line failed a higher or lower number
46:00of driving tests than Stevie Martin?
46:03Lower, higher.
46:04It's you, Matthew.
46:05How many of you failed?
46:06One.
46:07How many of you failed?
46:08None.
46:09She's never taken a test.
46:10We have a winner.
46:11It's Stevie Martin.
46:15Stevie Martin wins.
46:16Well, that's the final scores.
46:18We'll see you back down there.
46:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:25She's done very badly in almost every episode.
46:27Oh, my God.
46:28She's been rubbish.
46:30But in this particular episode, she has got a grand total of 23 points.
46:35She's won the episode.
46:36It's Stevie Martin!
46:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:42Stevie is today's winner.
46:43Please bowl up to the stage to behold your boy, Melango!
46:49Well, it's just two episodes to go, but for now, it's tonight's winner.
46:53She's done it!
46:54Stevie Martin!
46:55Stevie Martin!
46:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE