- 6/20/2025
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FunTranscript
00:00This was a mistake!
00:04Shut up!
00:05Button?
00:14You're mad.
00:16Wow.
00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:34Hello!
00:36Welcome to Taskmaster, or as they call it in Wales.
00:39All right, boys, how's it going?
00:41Dear, it's called at the moment, isn't it?
00:43Ooh, that's where my big court, fair play.
00:45It is called my dinner.
00:47Hey, do you know my brother?
00:49It looks like my brother, he doesn't!
00:51The competition is really hurtling towards the conclusion,
00:55so please welcome the Warriors.
00:57Holding on for dear life, they are...
00:59Fatih El Ghori!
01:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:02Jason Mandzukas!
01:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:04Matthew Bainter!
01:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:07Rosie Ramsey!
01:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:10And Stevie Martin!
01:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:14And next to me, a man who says that women should be like
01:18the landmark Shard Building in London.
01:20They should look attractive, remain silent,
01:23and have a glass ceiling firmly in place.
01:26LAUGHTER
01:27Don't shoot the messenger!
01:32Shoot...
01:33Little Alex Hall!
01:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:38Hello, Greg.
01:39Hello, mate.
01:40Hello.
01:41I've just got to do some admin before we start, I'm so sorry.
01:43But today, for the viewers at home and people watching
01:46at the big screen in Trafalgar Square, here is your bingo code.
01:50So just scan that now.
01:52One of you could be a lucky winner.
01:54And, um...
01:55Greg, if you wouldn't mind, we'll just do a quick selfie.
01:59Is that all right?
02:00This is my...
02:01One of my mum's friends really fancies you, so, um...
02:03LAUGHTER
02:04One of your mum's friends?
02:06LAUGHTER
02:07LAUGHTER
02:08Thank you for the smile.
02:10Actually, it's a video, actually, it's for Jennifer, really.
02:13Just...
02:14Hello, Jennifer.
02:15Lovely, yeah.
02:16I understand you fancy me.
02:17LAUGHTER
02:18Well, strap yourself in.
02:20LAUGHTER
02:21Thanks, Greg, you'll love that, honestly.
02:23Right.
02:24Let's have the prize class category, please, Alex.
02:26You sure can, Greg.
02:27This time you've asked them to bring in the best object
02:29that you've borrowed from a fairly close friend.
02:32Hmm.
02:33It's down to you to judge the best borrowed object
02:35and the winner of the whole episode will sort of own
02:37five things that actually belong to other people
02:39that are sort of friends of the cast.
02:41Done.
02:42Stevie, what have you borrowed?
02:43So, um, I went to a wedding, um,
02:47and it was one of my very close friends,
02:49and she really liked Lord of the Rings, but her partner doesn't.
02:52And so as a compromise, she put, like, a secret bit on her website,
02:55and it said if you wanted to get dressed up as a Lord of the Rings
02:58character for the party bit, then you could.
03:01So I borrowed loads of things, one of which was this sword,
03:04a foam sword.
03:05Here it is.
03:06Um, four people in the entire wedding
03:08had just put some little cloaks on,
03:10and I went as the Witch King of Angmar,
03:12um, the Lord of Nazca.
03:14APPLAUSE
03:16Is that the bride, Stevie?
03:19The bride.
03:20I mean, I looked at that and I thought,
03:22God, you look different without make-up on.
03:24LAUGHTER
03:25And then I realised you were the Witch King of Angmar.
03:28LAUGHTER
03:29Well done.
03:30This might be your best thing so far.
03:32Yes!
03:33LAUGHTER
03:34Three points.
03:35LAUGHTER
03:36I don't see it going past three, for sure.
03:39LAUGHTER
03:40Matthew.
03:41Well, for me, it was a case of, er, Jim Howick's two-man kayak.
03:46And here it is.
03:47LAUGHTER
03:48So I remembered he had this and I thought that would be a pretty
03:53significant thing to have borrowed from a fairly close friend.
03:56Yeah.
03:57So I managed to persuade him that I needed to borrow it
04:02to let my kids go kayaking.
04:04Why didn't you just tell him you were borrowing it for this?
04:07Well, why did you have to tell this ridiculous lie?
04:09Was that an option?
04:10LAUGHTER
04:11That wouldn't be funny!
04:14LAUGHTER
04:15How would that be funny?
04:17Putty up.
04:18Can you beat a kayak?
04:19Yeah, I can.
04:20You know when you're struggling in life, yeah, and things are hard,
04:24and then everything, every part of your life starts to suffer.
04:27So there was a point in my life where I was struggling,
04:30with Faith particularly, and then there was a girl that I was
04:33working with, and she gave me a prayer mat.
04:37And here it is, on Taskmaster.
04:38There it is.
04:39Aww.
04:40Nice.
04:41And every time I struggle in something, I always look at this
04:43and remember, like, the hope at the end of it.
04:45So I'm grateful, and, yeah, that was it,
04:48and good luck making that funny.
04:50LAUGHTER
04:55There are not many people, I would argue,
04:58on television globally, in my position,
05:01who would have the sheer audacity to put a rubber sword
05:06above an Islamic prayer.
05:08LAUGHTER
05:09I've got to say, it feels like quite the test.
05:15LAUGHTER
05:16It's a really lovely story and a lovely object.
05:19Rosie.
05:21So, I... It's lovely.
05:23Really lovely.
05:24And I'm so glad it brings you so much joy.
05:27Erm, I've brought in, erm, a pelvic floor exerciser.
05:30LAUGHTER
05:40Sorry, somebody wants that back.
05:44You...
05:45..borrowed it.
05:47I did, yeah.
05:48Who did you borrow it from?
05:49My fairly close sister.
05:52She could have lied.
05:53She's being honest, which is good.
05:54I know, yeah, no, but we've got the same juice.
05:57LAUGHTER
06:02Everyone's got their hands on their face.
06:04Everyone.
06:05Like, I washed it in that, obviously.
06:07Obviously, but...
06:08Shall we hop back to the prayer mat for a bit?
06:10LAUGHTER
06:12One more, there's one more, Greg.
06:14Oh, God, this is awful.
06:16I dread to think what you've brought in.
06:18So, the best thing to borrow from a close friend,
06:21or a semi-close friend, is, for me,
06:24a prize that has previously been awarded five points
06:28in the prize task category.
06:31Let's see it.
06:32That's nice.
06:33He borrowed this from Fatia.
06:36You won, Carl!
06:37LAUGHTER
06:40This is the Taskmaster pop-up book
06:43that Matthew brought, and Fatia won,
06:46and I asked to look at it,
06:48and she said,
06:49yeah, go ahead, borrow it.
06:50Take it as long as you want.
06:51This was 45 minutes ago.
06:54LAUGHTER
06:56So, and you gave it five points last time,
06:58so give me them points, baby.
07:00LAUGHTER
07:01OK, that's everything.
07:02I don't know...
07:03No.
07:04..whether you should be borrowing...
07:06..a device for your vagina.
07:09LAUGHTER
07:11So...
07:12So, one point.
07:13One point to Rose.
07:14Two points to Matthew's thing.
07:15Two to the kayak.
07:16Got it.
07:17Kayaks are boring.
07:19You gave three points to Jason.
07:21How dare you!
07:22Stevie wouldn't be getting four points just for the sword
07:26if I hadn't seen that picture of her in that outfit
07:28next to a bride.
07:30And five points for Fatia because, you know,
07:33of course, it was a genuinely touching story
07:35and I'm thrilled that it's so important to you.
07:37Five points to Fatia O'Ghori!
07:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
07:41Let's start the tasks popper!
07:45Yes, and we're going to see them doing their best to impress
07:48in the garden, first of all.
07:50MUSIC PLAYS
08:03Hello.
08:04Hi, Alex.
08:05Hi, Jason.
08:06Hello, Alex.
08:07Lovely to see you.
08:08Lovely to see you.
08:09Speaking inside.
08:10Hello.
08:11What's cooking?
08:12Good looking?
08:13Oh, really?
08:14I went on a school trip bowling and it went really badly.
08:20Knock over all ten skittles in ten minutes.
08:24In America, skittles are a candy.
08:26Ah, what are these?
08:28Bowling pins.
08:29The final skittle should fall exactly when the whistle sounds.
08:33If any skittle is left standing after ten minutes, you have failed.
08:38You must stay behind the rope at all times.
08:42Closest to ten minutes wins.
08:44Your time starts now.
08:47I mean, it's pointless asking.
08:49There's not a bowling ball that you've got there, is there?
08:51You could do whatever you want behind that rope.
08:52You could do whatever you want behind that rope.
09:01You alluded to a terrible bowling trip there.
09:03Yes.
09:04Do you want to talk about it?
09:05Not really.
09:06No.
09:07I got bullied at school and that's where it started.
09:10So...
09:11It's not...
09:13You ass, it's not funny.
09:15Put the prayer mat up.
09:18Come on, let's bounce.
09:19Let's bounce.
09:20OK, well, first up, and I hope they do really, really well at this one,
09:23it's Jason, Matt and Stevie's attempts.
09:27I'm going to smash this because I, erm,
09:30went on a bowling trip with school and came last
09:34and it was the pinnacle of the bullying experience
09:38and I...
09:39No-one sat with me on the bus home.
09:40So sorry to trigger you.
09:41So I just need to clear them all but one for now.
09:45That won't do it.
09:54Pretty great, right?
09:55Pretty good.
09:56You want the last one going down in nine minutes' time.
10:03Three.
10:04Sorry about the pot.
10:07Not bad.
10:08OK.
10:09I care nothing for your cameras!
10:18Yeah, you've done one.
10:19Look out.
10:20Look out!
10:25Hey!
10:39No!
10:40I'm on at five.
10:44Ooh! Watch out!
10:51Yes!
10:53What's the time? 50 seconds.
10:55OK.
11:05Are you OK?
11:08I think I'm over the line.
11:1112 seconds left. Three Skittles still.
11:13They need to all go down.
11:14Can you pass me the brick?
11:19Yes!
11:20One brick!
11:29Five, four, three.
11:31No, come on.
11:32One.
11:33I mean, that was...
11:40I'm really sorry, I'm just a bit upset.
11:42I'm really sorry, I'm really sorry.
11:43I'm sorry, this is so stupid.
11:44I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
11:45Stevie, there must have been an easier way, Matthew.
11:48What the hell is going on?
11:49It's not all the real episodes, isn't it?
11:50Rubbish.
11:51Rubbish.
11:52Rubbish.
11:53Rubbish all round.
11:54What's next?
11:55OK.
11:56It was a shame.
11:57Well, next up, I'm just going to shut up and press play.
12:00Ebeney.
12:01Ebeney.
12:02Shall we?
12:03Yeah?
12:04Yeah.
12:05It's not all the real episodes, isn't it?
12:07It's just...
12:08Rubbish.
12:09Rubbish.
12:10Rubbish.
12:11Rubbish all round.
12:12What's next?
12:13OK.
12:14It was a shame.
12:15Well, next up, I'm just going to shut up and press play.
12:17What's next? OK.
12:19It was a shame.
12:20Well, next up, I'm just going to shut up and press play.
12:27Evidence.
12:31Shall we? Yes.
12:33Fail the next task in the most heartbreakingly spectacular way.
12:39I'm really sorry. Stevie? I'm sorry.
12:41This is so stupid, I'm sorry. Stevie?
12:43If you succeed in the next task,
12:45you will lose one point.
12:48So, the next task? Yeah.
12:50Are you going to succeed?
12:52Yeah.
12:53How? By failing. Good.
12:58So, after this, you're going to go out there, turn left and do a task.
13:00How long? Two seconds.
13:02You need to fail that task.
13:05If you succeed in the next task, you will lose one point.
13:11Huh?
13:12Let's do it. Come on. Where are we going?
13:14We're going out there.
13:19Hi, Jason. Hello, Alex.
13:20Lovely to see you.
13:21Lovely to see you.
13:22We were just speaking inside.
13:23Were we?
13:25Yeah. Just, like, mere moments ago.
13:32Well, thank God.
13:34So, that means that was a fake fall you did?
13:36A planned fall.
13:37It was real.
13:38Yeah.
13:39Let me be clear.
13:40I fell hard.
13:43Really good.
13:44Jason also chose violence for the 12th time in the series.
13:49Violence against myself.
13:50And the cameraman when you threw a...
13:51Oh, yeah.
13:52I don't think of them as people.
13:53OK.
13:58Oh, I'd love it if you were out of focus for the rest of the effort.
14:05Matthew, I genuinely thought that was your actual attempt.
14:09Because you've been so close to some sort of collapse mentally,
14:12because I thought, yeah, I mean, he's nearly there now.
14:16Oh, God.
14:17Thank God.
14:18It was quite harrowing.
14:19It's all right.
14:21I felt very hot and sweaty and embarrassed watching that.
14:23Total light.
14:24I got bullied, but not that badly, and not at bowling.
14:30Well, that's right.
14:31So, they all did well, weren't they, so far?
14:32Look, it's most heartbreakingly spectacular.
14:34And they all came down right to the end.
14:36These two missed the final one at the last second,
14:39and 20 seconds before the end, Jason fell.
14:42OK, break time.
14:43Power nap or power crap?
14:45That's up to you, my friends, but whatever you do,
14:47please don't do both at the same time.
14:50That's a nice sofa!
14:51See you in a minute.
15:02Hello!
15:04Welcome back to part two of Taskmaster.
15:06There have been some unintentionally glorious failures
15:09on this show over the years,
15:10and now they're trying their best to fail on purpose.
15:15Yeah, boy, this is some next-level stuff.
15:18Wah! Pah! Isn't it?
15:20The task they need to fail
15:21is to knock over ten skittles in ten minutes.
15:24If they succeed at the task, they will lose one point.
15:27Now, for the final two heartbreakingly spectacular contestants,
15:30it's Rosie and Fatia.
15:32What do I use?
15:36What would you normally use?
15:39Are you looking for anything in particular?
15:40Yeah, I'm looking for some balls.
15:42These aren't really that heavy.
15:43Ooh!
15:44Yes!
15:45Come on.
15:47Are you ready?
15:48I'm ready.
15:50I'll get one, I'll get one.
15:52Oh!
15:54That's a good strategy, right?
15:55They've all got to go down.
15:56I know, I'm trying, I'm trying.
15:57In the next five minutes.
15:58Watch out, everyone.
15:59OK.
16:00Yes!
16:01Yes!
16:02Come on!
16:03Maybe if I throw it.
16:04Maybe.
16:05Hold on.
16:06Yes!
16:07Two left.
16:08You don't want to knock them all down.
16:09Right.
16:10Oh!
16:11The last one's going to fall at exactly ten minutes.
16:13Oh!
16:14The last one's going to fall at exactly ten minutes.
16:16Oh!
16:17I'm trying.
16:18I'm trying.
16:19I'm trying.
16:20I'm trying.
16:21In the next five minutes.
16:22Watch out, everyone.
16:23OK.
16:25Yes!
16:26Yes!
16:27Come on!
16:28Maybe if I throw it.
16:29Maybe.
16:30Hold on.
16:31Yes!
16:32The last one's going to fall at exactly ten minutes.
16:37Wow.
16:38I'm coming.
16:39OK.
16:40You need to get them all down.
16:45But you haven't knocked any down.
16:47How do you feel?
16:48Terrible.
16:49I'm the best thrower in my borough.
16:51And now look.
16:52Yeah.
16:53Congratulations.
16:54You've knocked over all ten and there's just two and a half minutes left.
17:06Yeah.
17:11Just, um, check the wording of the task.
17:14Fail the next task in the most...
17:15Oh, heartbreakingly spectacular.
17:17Sorry, I thought it was just shit.
17:19And you didn't fail.
17:22No, I know.
17:23I didn't really understand.
17:24And he talked to me for ages about it and I just...
17:27I nodded, didn't I?
17:28Yeah.
17:29Yeah.
17:30I went, I didn't have a clue.
17:33So what does that mean?
17:34Rosie gets...
17:35Well, it means it's mad that she's in second place in the series, but...
17:40She has to get minus one point.
17:42That's it.
17:43You have to go down a point in the series.
17:44I'm sorry.
17:45What?
17:46Oh, you don't understand.
17:47You have to lose a point.
17:48I lose a point!
17:49So, all we know is that Rosie definitely gets minus one point
17:52because she succeeded in the task.
17:53The rest all failed, so it's up to you.
17:55Who was the most heartbreakingly spectacular?
17:56Fatia, do you think that was heartbreaking or spectacular?
18:00I think it was bloody spectacular.
18:02Well, I'm here to tell you it was neither of them.
18:06You're so cruel, but it just makes me want you more.
18:11Exactly my tactic, my friend.
18:14OK, two to Fatia.
18:15OK, Matthew's was generally quite heartbreaking
18:18because it was, you know, part of his ongoing breakdown.
18:22Right?
18:23But I think we have to reward Jason's incredible stunt at the end.
18:27OK.
18:28Spectacular.
18:29Three to Matthew, four to Jason.
18:30Yeah, and then...
18:31No.
18:32Obviously.
18:33Yeah.
18:34I mean, I genuinely believed you were bullied.
18:36I was, but not that bad.
18:38But not that bad.
18:39So, it's all cool.
18:40Five points.
18:41Five points.
18:42Five points.
18:43Five points.
18:44Five points.
18:45Hey, what's the scores?
18:46After two tasks, Rosie's got zero points.
18:49At the other end of the table, we've got Stevie Martin on nine points.
18:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
18:55Right, another one, then.
18:57Yes, please.
18:58There's an arty team task next that's got them all in a spin.
19:02BUZZER
19:05BUZZER
19:07BUZZER
19:08BUZZER
19:10BUZZER
19:13BUZZER
19:14You go first this time.
19:15Oh, thank you.
19:16Hello, team.
19:17Hello.
19:18Please stand on the spot.
19:20Yep.
19:21Good luck.
19:23JV Marzucas!
19:24JV Marzucas!
19:25Each person must write down three words to describe a memorable scene.
19:31You must be silent throughout.
19:34And your teammate must not see what you have written.
19:38You have one minute.
19:40Your time starts now.
19:42Three words, memorable scene, on that card, please.
19:45A memorable scene.
19:47Like a scene in a film.
19:49Just a memorable scene.
19:50That's all the information.
19:52OK, I'm just going to collect in those cards.
20:04And that's for you.
20:05Aww.
20:06That's the second part of the task.
20:08OK.
20:09OK, here we go.
20:11Paint your memorable scene so that your teammate can guess your three words.
20:16You must not give any clues about your own three words scene, except by painting the scene.
20:22You must not write any words.
20:24Fastest wins.
20:26Your time starts when the turntable turns.
20:31Turn the turntable.
20:39What?
20:40Are you joking?
20:41Have we got to do it?
20:42Are you kidding me?
20:43Are you kidding me?
20:44Are you kidding me?
20:50Your nickname is not going to catch on.
20:52Yes, it is.
20:53It makes you both less memorable.
20:55What?
20:56What is it?
20:57JV Marzoukas.
20:58JV Marzoukas.
20:59We should get a point for having a team name and team spirit.
21:01Yeah.
21:02And we've lost every team task so far.
21:05You have been bad.
21:07Good.
21:08Good.
21:09Let's spin the canvases, man.
21:11Will do.
21:12I suppose we might as well start with a team of two.
21:14Jason and...
21:16JV Marzoukas.
21:17Better known as...
21:18JV Marzoukas.
21:19Thank you!
21:20Yes!
21:23Turn the turntable.
21:27OK.
21:28Oh.
21:29Oh, I see.
21:30OK.
21:32Don't guess yet.
21:37Rabbit.
21:38That is one of the words.
21:40OK.
21:41Oh, dang.
21:42OK.
21:43I'm bad at this.
21:45Now it just looks like boobs.
21:46It looks like boobs, but it's not boobs.
21:47I won't guess boobs?
21:48Yeah.
21:49Wait.
21:50Guess, guess, guess.
21:51Oh, sorry.
21:52Poison.
21:53Skull and crossbones.
21:54Pirate.
21:55Medicine.
21:56What?
21:57Woman?
21:58Uh...
21:59Graveyard.
22:00Oh, son of a bitch.
22:01What more can I possibly do than what I've done?
22:04Mountain's dead.
22:05Dead is right.
22:06Car.
22:07Yes!
22:08Car.
22:09Great, great, great.
22:10She's got none of yours.
22:11None of mine?
22:12Oh, what is it?
22:13Oh, it's a lip.
22:14It's a car.
22:15It's a boat.
22:16But...
22:17But...
22:18But...
22:19Smiling.
22:20Smiling.
22:21Lip smiling.
22:22Sad face.
22:23Oh, love.
22:24Kissing.
22:25Kissing.
22:26Ooh.
22:27Kiss.
22:28Kiss is correct.
22:29OK, right.
22:30Memorable scene with kissing.
22:31Boobs kissing.
22:32It doesn't feel like you're doing anything.
22:33Turn them around and start again, maybe.
22:34Yeah, great.
22:35That's a great idea.
22:36I'm going to do that.
22:37OK.
22:38So we're starting again.
22:39Right.
22:40Here it comes.
22:41Oh, baby.
22:42Babies kissing.
22:44It would be memorable.
22:46Oh.
22:47Oh!
22:48I see.
22:49Slap.
22:50Yes.
22:51Correct.
22:52One to go.
22:53We've got two words right now.
22:54OK.
22:55Kiss.
22:56Slap.
22:57Look.
22:58What is that?
22:59Glare.
23:00Glower.
23:01Yes.
23:02Yes.
23:03Yes.
23:04Please.
23:05Look.
23:06Glimpse.
23:07Glance.
23:08Glance is right.
23:09I've stopped the clock.
23:10You went from glower to glimpse to glance.
23:11I got glance from that.
23:13That's incredible.
23:14That's incredible.
23:16Can I just say something?
23:17Because before we did it, when we wrote the words, Jason went, just so you know, when
23:23we're writing these words, we're probably going to have to paint them.
23:26And then he wrote glance.
23:27Glimpse.
23:28This was a real low point for JV Martzoukas because I felt particularly bad for Stevie because
23:36I am dog shit at every element of this.
23:39What?
23:40This is going to come as a surprise.
23:42I'm willing to say I'm not good at art.
23:45And this, ladies and gentlemen, marks the first time that Jason has admitted that he's
23:52bad at anything.
23:53Unless it's boobs, which I can draw when I'm trying to draw anything.
23:56It comes out looking like boobs.
23:59Thank you for saluting me.
24:01This might be your journey to becoming British, you know, a bit of self-doubt.
24:04Oh, Daddy!
24:06Oh, God!
24:07OK, advert time.
24:10In a troubled world, what better moment to take the hand of that special person in your
24:15life and tell them that you love them?
24:18Do you want me to get the belt again?
24:22I'm so sorry.
24:23I thought you wanted me to...
24:24No?
24:25We'll see you in a minute.
24:26I'm so sorry.
24:27APPLAUSE
24:38Here we are.
24:39It's the start of the second half of the show.
24:41There's a team task which needs closure.
24:43So, the task involves each contestant painting a memorable scene on their canvas,
24:47which can be described in three words.
24:49And they then have to guess what each other three words are from their paintings.
24:54Fatia, Matthew and Rosie are all in one team, so this won't be straightforward.
24:59Oh, for God's sake.
25:01Right, that's yours then.
25:03Right, this is mine.
25:07Oh, sugar.
25:08Do you know what?
25:09I like this, yeah, because I used to do art.
25:11So, I'm going to smash this right up.
25:14Guess what the others are.
25:16Er, lightning.
25:17No.
25:18Storm.
25:19That is one of the words.
25:20Yes.
25:21Is yours Jaws?
25:22Not Jaws.
25:23It's three words.
25:24Captain Phillips?
25:25No, no, it's three words.
25:26Is it love?
25:27Love is one of the words, correct.
25:28Love.
25:29Are we guessing the film?
25:30Ocean.
25:31No, you're just getting the three words that you've been driven at.
25:33Oh, just words.
25:35Giraffe?
25:36No.
25:40Is it drowning?
25:41Correct.
25:42We're looking for six more words.
25:45Wow.
25:46You've added details.
25:47Is it a sex scene?
25:48Romeo and Juliet.
25:50Is it from Titanic?
25:51Is it?
25:52Weirdly, the Titanic was what was in my mind for this.
25:55Can I tell him?
25:56Definitely not.
25:57No.
25:58That would give it away.
25:59Could I quickly draw some things that might guess the words?
26:01Well, I think you should have done that a while ago.
26:03Oh.
26:04French women.
26:06French is correct.
26:07Oh, yeah.
26:08I can't give any clues, can I?
26:10No, you can by painting.
26:12Life drawing.
26:13Posing.
26:14Figurative.
26:15Masturbating.
26:17Touching yourself.
26:18Are you giving me a clue?
26:19Seduction.
26:20No, am I?
26:21Yeah, seduction.
26:22Seductive.
26:23Yeah, let's try it.
26:25What could your word do?
26:26Mine is so easy.
26:28Where are they?
26:29Restaurant.
26:30Cafe?
26:31Cafe is right.
26:32Yes!
26:33Oh.
26:34Is it, um, is it them?
26:35What's it called?
26:36It's the film.
26:37Harry and Sally.
26:38Correct!
26:39Yay!
26:40High five, brah!
26:41We've got Harry, Sally, Cafe, Stormlove, Drowning and French.
26:44And French.
26:45Yeah.
26:46Sexy.
26:47Sexy is correct.
26:48OK, now, my last word.
26:49How do you draw this?
26:51What's the film?
26:52Titanic.
26:53And what's the scene?
26:54The scene where he paints her naked.
26:55Using?
26:56Using paints.
26:57Pencil.
26:58Crayons.
26:59Charcoal.
27:00Correct!
27:01Is it?
27:02Off the turntable!
27:03I'm so sorry.
27:04I'm so sorry.
27:05I'm so sorry.
27:06I remember the bit where he drowns more.
27:09Well, Rosie, I put it to you that for the vast majority of that task, you didn't understand it.
27:20No!
27:21No, I didn't.
27:22What's absolutely fascinating is even when you understood it, you chose to depict the scene where Kate Winslet gets painted with the words, sexy French charcoal.
27:34She says, draw me like one of those French girls.
27:39It's just such a strange combination.
27:41I don't know where these things come from in my brain.
27:43And when Rosie was arguably cheating by simply playing charades, Matthew's desk was figurative masturbation.
27:51LAUGHTER
27:52And then Fatia stepped in and went, what, touching yourself?
27:57I mean...
27:59It's just madness.
28:01Let's hear the timings first.
28:03Yeah, total timings.
28:04I mean, arguably the team of three had a harder job because they're three to get rather than two.
28:08But they were substantially slower.
28:10Six minutes, ten for the team of two, twelve minutes, sixteen for the team of three.
28:14So, I suppose three minutes per painting or four minutes per painting.
28:17The team of two definitely won it, so they get five points, I think.
28:20Five points for Stevie and Jason.
28:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:28Well done.
28:29So how many points for the team of three, Ken?
28:31Yes, I'm going to give them three points because, you know, there was some creativity going on there.
28:35Bit of cheating, they took twice as long.
28:37Three seems fair.
28:38Team of three get three, the team of two get five.
28:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:43I would like another task right away.
28:46Yes, right, here we go.
28:47Oh, sorry, can you go off a bit?
28:49Sorry, Lizzie.
28:50That's it, go back a bit.
28:51Back a bit.
28:52Back a bit more, that's it.
28:53Stop.
28:55Sorry, not let go.
28:56Go back again.
28:58OK, yeah, from there, please.
28:59Good.
29:00Right, here's the next task.
29:01I came in with a bang.
29:17Jason.
29:21Lots of props.
29:22Obey the autocue.
29:30OK.
29:31The most authoritative delivery with the fewest mistakes wins.
29:37Oh.
29:39Your time starts when the autocue starts.
29:43Have you used autocue before?
29:44No.
29:45APPLAUSE
29:46Rosie, I forget that you're a mother.
29:51You've got two children, right?
29:52Yeah.
29:53And every now and again, you just get a brief insight into it.
29:56And the way that you arrived at this task and assessed it,
29:59it looked like a mum going into a kid's room and going,
30:02look at the state of this bedroom.
30:03You just take the clip.
30:04I know the bit.
30:05It's this bit.
30:06LAUGHTER
30:14OK, good.
30:15Who's first?
30:16Yes, it's time to try out our first three young science presenters,
30:19Jason, Matt and Rosie.
30:21Commence the autocue.
30:23Oh, hello, folks.
30:24My name is scientist Dr Rosie slash Ramsay.
30:29Dr Jackson Mickey.
30:32My name is Dr Dark Stuff.
30:36And I'd like to welcome you all to Science Today Today.
30:42Science Today.
30:44Science Today.
30:45What's going to happen?
30:47And science all your life.
30:49Get fucking buckled in!
30:52Science Today!
30:53Here we go!
30:55So, what's on today's Science Today show?
30:59We're going to do two scientific demonstrations
31:01and I guarantee...
31:02They'll both blow your mind.
31:05Let me think.
31:08Which two experiments should we do today on Science Today?
31:12OK, we will do...
31:14One.
31:15One.
31:16And three.
31:17Number one and number three.
31:19Oh, yes.
31:20So that means you'll see me do the...
31:22Bounce experiment.
31:24Boing!
31:25Yoy-yoyoying!
31:29This ball is so bouncy that every time you drop it
31:31and that's drop, not throw!
31:34It bounces up to a much higher place than where it started.
31:37I know, Matt.
31:38Watch this.
31:43Failure.
31:44This fantastical orb has a tiny track out inside,
31:47which means it always returns to exactly where it was thrown from.
31:50Don't believe me? You will soon.
32:01Ta-da!
32:03OK, doggie, let's move on to my second experiment.
32:07Yes! Yes!
32:09Did you know a rainbow changes the colour of the whole sky?
32:13I think that's right. I can't remember. I'm having trouble sleeping.
32:17There was this time a few years ago when I actually was dropped from a very high height.
32:26I hit someone in my car.
32:35I think they were still OK, but I panicked and I drove away.
32:40Ten years ago...
32:44I was lost at sea.
32:47Anyway, there's a way you can change the colour of other things, too.
32:51And that way is called...
32:54...paint.
32:59Paint!
33:00If you shut your eyes and really concentrate, you can actually tell the colour of paint by its smell.
33:08Take this tub here, OK?
33:10I'm going to put the tub behind my back and open it without looking at it.
33:14Now, I'm going to do a big sniff of the air in front of me.
33:18That's definitely blue.
33:21Blue.
33:22Blue.
33:23Blue.
33:25Blue.
33:26Blue?
33:27That's the one.
33:33Yellow.
33:34Ooh, I think that one's yellow.
33:36It's yellow.
33:38It's yellow.
33:39Totally yellow.
33:41But what happens if I mix these two together?
33:44It'll make a brand new colour.
33:46That colour is called...
33:48...blallow.
33:50And that colour is called...
33:53...James.
33:54Once they're mixed together, I can use my thumb as a paintbrush on this.
34:02And it's like a brown colour, isn't it?
34:03What's brown?
34:05A piece of turd.
34:07And hey, presto!
34:09I've made a blallow car.
34:14Boobs!
34:16I've got to go now.
34:17But not before I sing the theme tune again.
34:19Exactly the same as I sang it first time round.
34:22Let's dance together!
34:23Goodbye, everyone.
34:24Science today.
34:25Science today.
34:26Science today.
34:28Dr Rosie Ramsey.
34:29Science today.
34:30Science yesterday.
34:31Ready for science today, not science tomorrow!
34:35Science today!
34:36I will kill you!
34:43When I was a child growing up in the 1970s,
34:46the BBC used to show really boring open university lecturers.
34:51It was so tedious and awful.
34:53For the vast majority of it, that's what Matthew reminded me of.
34:57That's what I was going for.
34:59And then every now and then, something weird just sneaked in.
35:03Here's science, Matt.
35:04Science today.
35:05Science today.
35:07And science all your life.
35:10I guess those broadcasts when you were a child were different over in the States.
35:16Much more aggressive.
35:17Yeah.
35:18Yeah.
35:19Yeah.
35:20Get fucking buckled in.
35:23I don't know how relevant I will kill you is.
35:27Listen.
35:28You know what that's going to do?
35:30Bring them back for the next episode.
35:32The thing I thought about Rosie was she's just a pretty good presenter.
35:35Wasn't she?
35:36That was a task.
35:37Yeah?
35:39OK.
35:40Let's stop for the last time and take a break.
35:42Come back when someone will win and then have to give back some borrowed prizes.
35:46And there was me thinking this show couldn't get any more low rent.
35:50We'll see you in a minute.
35:51APPLAUSE
36:02Welcome back.
36:04Here's the last part of the show and the cast are auditioning to be children's TV science presenters.
36:09Yes, they are.
36:11Because that's what the task told them to do and no-one seems to question the premise.
36:15Now, for our final two.
36:16It is Stevie and it is Fatia.
36:18Oh, hello folks.
36:21My name's Dr. Darth Lightfinger.
36:25My name is F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F.
36:30And I'd like to welcome you all to Science Today Today.
36:36Which two experiments shall we do today on Science Today?
36:43I'm going to pick one and four.
36:45Number one, the bounce experiment.
36:48Boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing.
36:51This ball is so bouncy.
36:53Watch this.
36:55Good Lord!
36:57This fantastical orb has a tiny tracker inside.
37:02This is what...
37:03And I'll also do number two, the toothpaste experiment.
37:10The balloon popping experiment.
37:13Nobody likes the sounds of balloons popping, do they? Especially not me.
37:16As everyone knows, elephants have teeth that can grow to this big.
37:23Well, you can easily stop a balloon from popping by filling it with liquid.
37:27The best way to get toothpaste for your elephant is to manufacture it in your home.
37:34Here we go, bruv.
37:38This is not going to work.
37:40Stop!
37:41First, I just need to add this yeast to my warm water.
37:49I'm stirring vigorously.
37:52See, I told you I could do it now.
37:56This is crazy.
37:57And I'll put all the glitter into the special elephant's toothpaste mixture bottle.
38:02I'm also going to blow a balloon up now.
38:05With the gas inside my body, I'm not farting into a balloon. Are you mad?
38:09I always make a horrible retching sound.
38:13Sorry about that.
38:21Watch the chemicals react.
38:23When I put a sharp pin on the first balloon, it won't make a noise at all.
38:31It will be absolutely silent.
38:34Oh, my God, is it going to blow?
38:36Oh, my God, I can't do it.
38:38Ah!
38:40Oh!
38:42Bruv.
38:44Look at that. David Attenborough, you can suck it.
38:46Look at that, bruv.
38:48Now, let's give Eddie a little clean.
38:50Bruv.
38:53Bruv.
38:55Cover your ears. It's bang time.
38:57OK, here we go.
38:58Oh, my God.
39:00There we go.
39:02That was science today.
39:04Today.
39:06Goodbye, everyone.
39:08Science, science, science.
39:10Science is a shit.
39:12My hands are really sticky.
39:14Science.
39:15Yes.
39:17APPLAUSE
39:21Dr Darth Leisfinger.
39:23Yes.
39:24I just thought she was quite a good presenter.
39:26OK.
39:27Until...
39:29The noise you made when you were cleaning the elephant's tusks.
39:32I didn't hear it.
39:34Well, let's have a listen. Here we go.
39:35OK, I get that, yeah.
39:40OK, I get that, yeah.
39:41Fatia.
39:42Yeah.
39:43OK.
39:44The scientist was called...
39:48I couldn't...
39:49Do you know what?
39:50As soon as I walked in, I saw the balloons on the side, I was like,
39:52oh, shit.
39:53So I couldn't really think of anything.
39:55I just wonder...
39:56Yeah.
39:57If you were a children's science presenter, OK,
40:00when you put the pin into the balloon that has a bit of water in it,
40:02you, Fatia, were genuinely amazed it had worked.
40:06You went...
40:08Then you had to get back into fair character.
40:13And I just wonder if, should a children's science teacher,
40:18when she sticks a pin into a balloon and she's amazed by it,
40:21should she say,
40:22David Attenborough, you could suck it?
40:28And I'd argue, should anyone in this country say,
40:31David Attenborough, you should suck it?
40:34Look at that bruv.
40:37Well, it's most authoritative delivery.
40:39She was authoritative, I think.
40:42She was authoritative.
40:43But also with fewest mistakes and arguably...
40:45Oh, really?
40:47I feel that Rosie was the most accurate and authoritative,
40:52followed by Stevie,
40:54and then Matthew and Fatia and Jason, to me,
40:58were all very engaging and very interesting,
41:02but had moments of such madness...
41:04..that it didn't sit within the word authoritative.
41:09So you won't like it, but I'm going to give them all three points.
41:11So it's three to Fatia, three to Jason, three to Matthew,
41:14four to Stevie, five to Rosie Ramsey!
41:16There we go!
41:19Can we see the score, please?
41:20Yes, well, it is still hers to lose.
41:22Stevie's in the lead with 18 points now.
41:29I can't believe it, please.
41:31Stay where you are for the final task of the show!
41:35Oh!
41:43Who's going to read the task?
41:44I think Fatia's going to read the task.
41:46Say whether the next person will have a higher
41:49or lower number of things than the previous person.
41:53The category of things will change each time.
41:57If you make two mistakes, you are eliminated.
42:00Last player standing wins.
42:02So we start with a picture of me,
42:04so it's whether the next person
42:05has more or less things than me.
42:07And Greg will tell you what the category of things is.
42:11Ready?
42:12Does the person next in line
42:13have a higher or lower shoe size than Alex?
42:20Reveal the person.
42:21Higher or lower shoe size than Alex Horne.
42:24Not many people have a higher shoe size than me.
42:27In fact, it's only, Greg.
42:28It is Rosie Ramsey, it is lower.
42:29You are all right.
42:30Yes!
42:33Does the person next in line
42:34have a higher or lower Wikipedia entry word count
42:38than Rosie Ramsey?
42:41They've all gone higher.
42:42All gone higher.
42:43Well, I can tell you it is actually.
42:44It's Matthew Bainton and it is higher.
42:46It is higher.
42:47Sorry, I've broken one of my paddles.
42:52How and why did you do that?
42:54I was using them to clap.
42:57You even destroy stuff when you don't mean to.
43:00You're welcome.
43:01OK.
43:02Does the person next in line own a higher or lower number
43:06of trainers than Matthew Bainton?
43:08OK.
43:09We've got three lowers, we've got two hires.
43:11Matthew, how many pairs of trainers do you own?
43:13Five.
43:14Greg, how many do you own?
43:1616 pairs.
43:18Higher was right.
43:19We have lost a life here, here and at the end.
43:22All the females lose a life.
43:24Has the person next in line owned a higher or lower number of dogs?
43:29Life total, please.
43:31We've gone higher, higher, lower, lower.
43:32Matt goes higher.
43:33How many dogs have you owned, Greg?
43:35Two dogs!
43:36Oh, fuck.
43:38How many dogs have you owned, Fatia?
43:41Zero, cos they stink!
43:44Lauren is correct.
43:45If you've gone higher, we have lost Fatia Al-Ghori.
43:48She gets one pin.
43:51Does the person next in line have a higher or lower number of nieces
43:56than Fatia Al-Ghori?
43:59She's got family.
44:01Well, I have six nieces.
44:05Fatia?
44:0616.
44:07They're all correct.
44:08They all stay in.
44:09It's going to be a big wedding, Greg.
44:10Have you got the dollars?
44:11I have.
44:14Does the next person in line have a lucky number that is higher
44:19or lower than Alex Horne?
44:22Yeah.
44:23Can I ask what the logic is?
44:24I just think he's got a very obtuse, annoying...
44:27Like, 103 or something.
44:29Exactly.
44:30He's not going to just choose six like a normal person.
44:34Well, let's find out.
44:35Jason, you've gone higher and you are the next person.
44:38What is your lucky number, Jason?
44:3911.
44:40Perfectly normal.
44:42My lucky number is...
44:441.
44:45Whoa!
44:46Oh, no.
44:47It's a trillion!
44:48It's a trillion!
44:49It's a trillion!
44:51Hold it.
44:52We've lost Jason Manzoukas.
44:53He comes fourth.
44:54Do it.
44:55Has the person next in line visited a higher or lower number
44:58of countries this year than Jason Manzoukas?
45:01Americans don't usually leave America.
45:03Yeah, but he's a famous man.
45:04Yeah, he is.
45:05And here he is in Britain.
45:07In Britain.
45:08LAUGHTER
45:10Well, the next person, it's interesting.
45:11A touche!
45:12It's only Greg Davis.
45:13Jason, how many countries have you visited this year?
45:15I believe it's five.
45:16Is it higher or lower?
45:18It's two, Ashley.
45:19It's lower.
45:20We've lost Rosie Ramsey.
45:21Oh!
45:22APPLAUSE
45:24It's Matthew versus Stevie.
45:26Has the person next in line run a higher or lower distance
45:30ever in their life than Greg Davis?
45:33LAUGHTER
45:35It's this person.
45:37Stevie?
45:38What's the highest distance you've ever run in one go?
45:4010K.
45:41I tried to run a mile once.
45:43LAUGHTER
45:45And the man in the park said,
45:47we've been talking, we don't think you should run any more.
45:50LAUGHTER
45:52Well, this is the final one.
45:54It could, of course, be a draw if you both get this right or wrong.
45:57Has the person next in line failed a higher or lower number
46:00of driving tests than Stevie Martin?
46:03Lower? Higher?
46:05It's you, Matthew.
46:06How many have you failed?
46:07One.
46:08How many have you failed?
46:09None.
46:10She's never taken a test!
46:11We have a winner!
46:12It's Stevie Martin!
46:13CHEERING
46:15Stevie Martin wins.
46:17Well, that's the final scores.
46:18We'll see you back down there!
46:20CHEERING
46:25She's done very badly in almost every episode.
46:27Oh, my gosh.
46:28She's been rubbish.
46:30But in this particular episode, she has got a grand total of 23 points.
46:35She's won the episode.
46:36It's Stevie Martin!
46:38CHEERING
46:39Stevie is today's winner.
46:43Please bowl up to the stage to behold your boy, Maloney!
46:48CHEERING
46:49Well, it's just two episodes to go, but for now, it's tonight's winner.
46:53She's done it!
46:54Stevie Martin!
46:55CHEERING
46:56CHEERING
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