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Honky Kong
  • 6/5/2025
Original Broadcast Date: March 6th 2013

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TV
Transcript
00:00One, two, three!
00:30Thank you very much, thank you.
00:37Well, this week it was announced that we had the hottest summer in recorded history,
00:42yet the police in Sydney were able to find $438 million worth of ice.
00:47Funny old world, isn't it?
00:48As a TV performer, I know it's important not to lose the common touch,
00:53because if you lose the common touch, you risk breaking that vital connection with your audience.
00:57You do that, and I'm afraid you could end up like Joseph-Francois Foulon-Déduer,
01:01walking barefoot to the Hotel de Ville with a bundle of hay on your back.
01:08He was Louis XVI's controller of finance during the French Revolution.
01:13These people are ignorant scum.
01:17But politicians also know how important it is to not put themselves above the public.
01:21That's why this week, Julia Gillard left the nation's capital to spend time in...
01:25Rooty Hill, Rooty Hill, Rooty Hill, Rooty Hill, Rooty Hill, Rooty Hill.
01:30That's right, Rooty Hill.
01:32Great idea, isn't it? I mean, it's very romantic.
01:34It's like the Prince and the Pauper, divesting herself of the trappings of office,
01:38the Prime Minister takes to the streets as one of the people.
01:42While in the meantime...
01:43LAUGHTER
01:44While in the meantime, someone else carries on pretending that they're the rightful heir to the throne.
01:49LAUGHTER
01:50Does that pretty much sum up what's going on?
01:54New South Wales left paralegal General Brian Quall?
01:57Well, Sean, it's really the only way the Prime Minister is going to experience
02:00what life is like in Labor's Sydney heartland.
02:04Chifley, McMahon, Blacksland, Werriwa.
02:06Up until now, these were just names on a map of red-coloured shapes.
02:10Surefire, dependable, no need to actually visit them
02:13because they'll vote for us no matter how appallingly we behave.
02:15Safe Labor seats.
02:16Sure, yeah.
02:17In the old days, it didn't matter.
02:18A Labor PM could treat the electorate with contempt
02:21and not have it affect his popularity.
02:23Look at Hawkey.
02:24Mr 75%, they called him.
02:26That was just his blood alcohol content.
02:28LAUGHTER
02:28In the old days, the hoi polloi knew their place and respected their betters.
02:33Nowadays, the spinmeisters tell the powers that be
02:36that they have to give the impression they actually care what people think.
02:39About what?
02:40About problems peculiar to Sydney.
02:42What, the ICAC corruption hearings?
02:44God, no, that's what we want to distract people from.
02:45No, I'm talking about simple things like traffic congestion.
02:49Now, Julia, driving in a motorcade from Kirribilli to Rooty Hill
02:53in a greenlight corridor organised by the New South Wales Police
02:55is showing in a very practical and hands-on way
02:58that she feels Western Sydney's pain.
03:01LAUGHTER
03:01But how to translate that into policy?
03:04Can the Federal Government give everyone driving to work
03:06or dropping their kids off at school a police escort?
03:09Well, that's the carrot Julia's using
03:11to get these mules to pull some votes,
03:12so away comes September.
03:13LAUGHTER
03:14That's what all this campaigning in...
03:16I must beg your pardon, governing in Sydney's all about.
03:18Sure, sure.
03:20Thanks very much, Brian.
03:21But while five days in Rooty Hill is not exactly a month in Provence,
03:24it's not without its charms.
03:25But why stay in a Novotel at taxpayers' expense
03:29rather than Kirribilli House, also at taxpayers' expense?
03:33Lars Polgrain, was staff at Kirribilli surprised
03:36when the Prime Minister decided to stay somewhere else?
03:38Oh, Sean, they were in tears.
03:41The chef spent hours in traffic picking up these fish from the caterers
03:44and getting them back here in time.
03:45Yeah.
03:46We were really looking forward to Julia and Mr Tim staying.
03:49We hosed down the porch, wiped the silver.
03:52I made the beds myself.
03:53From scratch?
03:54It's like she doesn't want to be here, Sean.
03:57Like she's embarrassed by us or something.
03:59Mr Rudd enjoyed staying here when he was PM.
04:02He had a great time.
04:03When Therese went off to work some mornings,
04:05he'd put on old-time rock and roll by Bob Seger
04:08and slide about on the parquetry in his socks and underpants.
04:11Yeah, well, he was a man of the people, wasn't he?
04:13But no-one loved it here more than John Howard and Jeanette.
04:15Sure.
04:16He couldn't get them out of the place, literally.
04:18We had to drag Jeanette out screaming into the driveway
04:21when they lost in 07.
04:22Sure.
04:23Hanging onto the banister for dear life
04:25while the Federal Police prized her fingers loose.
04:28We still haven't been able to buff the claw marks off the architrain.
04:31But Gillard doesn't have that sort of class.
04:34She'd rather line up for a buffet at a $260-a-night Novotel
04:38and hold her Cabinet meetings in a pokies lounge
04:41so she can measure up or down
04:43to some f***ing egalitarian gold standard.
04:46Yeah, all right. Thanks, Lars.
04:47But what's it really like for the Prime Minister on the front line?
04:51Fontina Malamar is a chambermaid at the Novotel
04:53where the PM is staying.
04:54Fontina, have you met the Prime Minister yet?
04:56Oh, sure. They're all staying here.
04:58Mr. Combe, Jenny Macklin, Dr. Emerson, everybody.
05:02All the Cabinet and her stuff.
05:03All right. And how many floors are they occupying?
05:05Just the one.
05:07This one in here.
05:08They are all sleeping on it.
05:11Except for Julia and Mr. Matheson and Rubens.
05:14They get their bed.
05:16He's so cute and he doesn't even drop hair all over the place.
05:19Well, he ran a salon for many years.
05:21He's very professional.
05:22And Martin Ferguson, he's on the couch.
05:26Stephen Conroy, Penny Wong and Simon Crean
05:29are in the sleeping bags just down here.
05:31Stephen Smith, Chris Bowen, Anthony Albanese
05:33and Attorney General Dreyfus
05:35take it in turns to sleeping in the bath.
05:37Bob Carr is under the bed.
05:39Peter Garrett is in the cupboard
05:40leaning up against the ironing board.
05:42Tanya Plippersec sleeps in the drawer.
05:44Nice people, do you think?
05:45Are they people you'd vote for?
05:47Oh, lovely people.
05:48And Mark Butler even gave me a tip.
05:50Mark Butler, did he?
05:52Yeah, he said I should move out of Rooty Hill.
05:56To somewhere that sounded better.
05:58I did not know what he meant.
05:59And then he kept saying Rooty Hill
06:01and laughing and snorting and winking
06:03and nudging me in the ribs.
06:06Is there something wrong with him?
06:09Well, he is from Port Adelaide.
06:10Oh.
06:12One man who made me laugh very much was Wayne Swann.
06:16He kept getting the room number wrong.
06:18Always, every time, the wrong number.
06:21But he gave me a tip also
06:23when I bring him room service.
06:24He said, what is usual?
06:26I said, 10%.
06:27He gave me $40,000.
06:31I said, that is too much.
06:33He apologized and took it back
06:35and tried to recalculate it.
06:36But he could not operate the calculator properly.
06:39He kept typing in Shell Oil
06:41and showing it to me upside down.
06:43And then he got flustered and ran off.
06:47Oh, he left his wallet behind.
06:49Yeah, well, he's got a lot on his mind at the moment.
06:51I think he also wet his trousers.
06:53Where does Brendan O'Connor sleep?
06:55Brendan O'Connor?
06:56Yeah, yeah, the Minister for Immigration.
06:58Oh, I make myself scarce when he's around.
07:01I'm on 457 visa.
07:03OK, well, thanks, Martina.
07:06Well, hats off to Tasmania,
07:07who recently had their fleet of police breath-testing vehicles
07:10festooned with an important message.
07:12Real mates don't let mates drink drive.
07:15No one could argue with that.
07:16Unfortunately, though,
07:17when you open the door to get into the van to do the test,
07:19your passengers might be left with a slightly mixed message.
07:21Now, the Tasmanian police commissioner said
07:30that he had no idea why the painting of the vans
07:32had been contracted out to the people who do the fold-ins
07:34for the back of Mad magazine.
07:38Time now, though, for some political science.
07:44Science!
07:45Yeah.
07:47Isaac Newton's first law of motion states that
07:49a robot may not injure a human being
07:52or through an action of a human being to come to harm.
07:56Sorry, no, that's wrong.
07:57Sorry, I beg your pardon.
07:58That's Isaac Asimov's first law of robotics.
08:03Isaac Newton's first law states
08:05an object at rest stays at rest
08:07and an object in motion stays in motion
08:09unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.
08:12Sorry about the robot that's still in that shot there.
08:14That doesn't make any sense.
08:15The reason I mention any of this
08:17is because it's about inertia.
08:19And inertia seems to be the principal tactic
08:21currently being employed by Tony Abbott and his team
08:23to remain in the lead
08:24during the current non-campaign for the September 14th election.
08:28Not that I'm suggesting Tony Abbott
08:29is an unbalanced force political bloggist of omitoria catchment.
08:34Sean, I think the point is
08:37that as the Labor millipede continues to shoot itself in the foot,
08:41the lip strategists seem to have gaffer-taped
08:44Tony Abbott's mouth shut
08:45and tied him to a chair and locked him in a basement.
08:47They're just sitting back
08:48lobbing marshmallows into their mouths.
08:50Yeah, well, that's what I was trying to suggest
08:52with my physics illusion, my, uh...
08:54Yeah, but Tony Abbott
08:55is one of the Libs' biggest assets.
08:57Arse what?
09:01Assets.
09:01I beg your pardon.
09:02And as I say on my blog site,
09:04why hide your light under a bushel?
09:07Let him get out there among the people
09:09and charm them over with that winning smile of his.
09:12Yeah, let's just remind viewers of that winning smile.
09:14Can we have you got that?
09:15Does he have a snake called Nagini?
09:29I made a gif of that for my blog site.
09:31Did you?
09:33Tweeted it as a meme as well.
09:35I have no idea what you're talking about.
09:36But the thing is that the Libs haven't been sitting around
09:41wasting their time doing nothing,
09:43waiting for Labor to implode.
09:45They've been using this time to do a bit of navel-gazing
09:47and Tony Abbott's now at one with himself.
09:51Even less.
09:55He's shed the Dr No image
09:58and now he's quite happy to see the good
10:00in what's going on around him,
10:01even if it does come from across the chamber.
10:04I say to the Prime Minister,
10:05good on you.
10:06And Malcolm Turnbull as well.
10:09He's been very open with his feelings,
10:11particularly over the pain of losing the Liberal leadership.
10:14It was devastating.
10:16See?
10:18Very human.
10:19Makes him very human.
10:20Yeah, it's an uncanny likeness.
10:22And Joe Hockey, too.
10:28He's another new man
10:29and it's not just the 20 kilos he shed
10:31due to the gastric band surgery.
10:33Oh, yeah, yeah.
10:34Actually, another point,
10:35interesting point, I think,
10:36another point of difference, I suppose,
10:37between the two parties.
10:38Labor has Peter Garrett,
10:39who was in a band,
10:40but the Libs have Joe Hockey,
10:41who has a band in him.
10:42LAUGHTER
10:43Finally, to my personal pin-up girl
10:55in terms of sisterhood in Canberra
10:56doing it for themselves,
10:58Julie Bishop.
10:58Sure.
10:59She's been spending her time
11:00rewriting the parliamentary dress code.
11:03That's not...
11:04That's not my slide.
11:06No, that's the slide.
11:07That's the one you brought in.
11:08Still to come.
11:09LAUGHTER
11:10This year's Mardi Gras
11:13highlights the right to bear arms
11:15and various other bits of your anatomy.
11:17Global warming fails to make things easier
11:20for Ernest Shackleton re-enactment.
11:22And WikiLeaks Bradley Manning's
11:24treatment by courtroom artists
11:26The Real Injustice
11:27claims person who can draw properly.
11:30LAUGHTER
11:30You know, it wasn't that long ago
11:33that Simon Crean said this about Kevin Rudd.
11:36I think he is an asset.
11:38I think...
11:39LAUGHTER
11:39He is an asset.
11:40But there's a problem, though, isn't there?
11:43Kevin Rudd's value as an asset
11:44comes from his immense popularity with the public,
11:47a rare and much sought-after substance
11:49in the Labour Party.
11:50Unfortunately, this popularity derives
11:52from voters wanting Mr Rudd
11:54to lead the Labour Party.
11:55So the asset becomes a liability
11:57if Labour actually want to use it.
12:00It'd be like having uranium-235,
12:02very valuable and of considerable worth,
12:04and then making it into a pair of earrings
12:06for the Prime Minister.
12:07LAUGHTER
12:08Fair enough analogy.
12:15Tony Lamprey from Labour Marketing?
12:17Well, Sean, we like to think of Kevin Rudd
12:21less as a sort of naturally occurring fissile material
12:24and more of a sort of beauty spot.
12:26Now, placed carefully and strategically on the face,
12:30it could make the Labour Party seem more attractive.
12:34Very Cindy Crawford.
12:36Yes, it is. That's very nice.
12:37Of course, on its own and scrutinised under a microscope,
12:41it's just an unsightly growth that needs to be removed.
12:44Possibly tested in case it's malignant.
12:45All right, so either way, it can still kill you.
12:48Oh, well, we don't like to think of Kevin Rudd as an it, Sean,
12:52but yes.
12:52All right.
12:53Thanks, Tony.
12:54Jenny Canister, you're someone from the audience
12:56we got at the last moment.
12:57What do you reckon?
12:58I think Kevin's a fantasy figure, Sean.
13:01People love to think of him as Prime Minister in their imaginations
13:04because in their imagination, at least, he'd be perfect.
13:08It's like when I fantasise about making love
13:11to a glamorous TV star like you, Sean.
13:14The reality of it is terribly disappointing.
13:17Under the harsh fluro lights of the ABC green room,
13:21every imperfection, wrinkle and inadequacy is revealed
13:25and the whole experience proves extraordinarily unsatisfying.
13:29Thank you, Jelly.
13:31Man has held political analyst Grizzly Find
13:33is in our Melbourne studios just over my left shoulder.
13:37Well, Sean, I think Jelly is right.
13:39You are a dreadful root.
13:41But the question is not so much how Kevin Rudd is used as when.
13:47If he were to be reinstalled as Prime Minister,
13:49there would be such a sugar rush in the body politic
13:52that the electorate would get all over excited
13:54and vote for Labor in the election.
13:56The trick is to time it right.
14:00Because you don't want voters going to the polls
14:02during the sugar crash when they've gone off him again.
14:05So when should a leadership change take place?
14:09Oh, well, the election day is Saturday, September 14,
14:12so maybe the previous Thursday?
14:15All right.
14:15Two days before.
14:17Ah.
14:18Sunday they wake up with a cracking headache,
14:21feeling very depressed,
14:21and then Monday they reinstall Julia Gillard.
14:24Is that your plan, Tony?
14:27I couldn't possibly comment on Labor's strategy, Sean.
14:30But yes, that's what we'll be doing.
14:32The problem for Labor, Sean,
14:34is getting people to limit their intake of Kevin Rudd
14:38until the time is right.
14:39If people don't read the labelling closely enough,
14:43they'll find themselves consuming him in social media,
14:46on television,
14:47or at a shopping centre walkthrough.
14:49It's really quite insidious
14:52how virtually every piece of political reporting we get these days
14:55contains traces of Kevin Rudd in some form.
14:57Exactly how sweet is he?
15:03Well, there's 71 caucus members,
15:06one RAAF flight attendant,
15:07and a Chinese delegation in Copenhagen
15:09who'd say,
15:10not very.
15:11OK.
15:12Thanks very much, Grizz.
15:13Sorry, Sean,
15:14I know you probably hate people doing this,
15:16but I was wondering if you could get
15:18Adam Hills to sign this.
15:22Sure.
15:22Absolutely.
15:23Indeed.
15:28Two audible dog whistling now,
15:30and Shadow Immigration Minister Scott Morrison
15:32has strayed from the Coalition's election strategy
15:34of doing free call
15:35by proposing behaviour protocols
15:37on asylum seekers released into the community.
15:40As can be seen here
15:41in this exclusive Sky News graphic,
15:43Mr Morrison said police and neighbouring residents
15:46should be alerted in advance of boat arrivals
15:48being located in their community.
15:51Boat arrivals.
15:53Interesting way to describe someone
15:55by the vessel which brought them here.
15:57Well, birth canal arrival,
15:59Erica Betts
16:00backed Mr Morrison up,
16:05but drew the line in the Senate
16:07when it was suggested the proposal
16:08treated asylum seekers like pedophiles.
16:11He said,
16:12I wouldn't put pedophiles and asylum seekers
16:14in the same category necessarily.
16:19Necessarily.
16:20Although I might be being unfair,
16:22I might be editorialising by intonation,
16:24giving it an emphasis it didn't have.
16:26I'm sure that outside of the Senate chambers,
16:28Mr Betts wouldn't talk about grouping together
16:30asylum seekers and pedophiles,
16:31or use the word necessarily.
16:34I wouldn't put the two in the same category necessarily.
16:37Now, the temptation might be for some to categorise Mr Betts as an odious cretin.
16:47Lacking basic humanity or common decency,
16:50but I'm not sure I'd place him in that group necessarily.
16:53But why?
17:00Why do we need to be warned about these, dare we call them, people?
17:04If you want a cohesive society,
17:07I would have thought it would be a good idea
17:09to say that somebody's moving next door to you
17:12that might not be able to have all the English language skills
17:17that you might normally expect
17:20that would be useful for the local police,
17:23for the local health authorities, etc.,
17:25to be told as well.
17:28Unmarked police car arrival, Senior Sergeant Max Payne.
17:31The government notifies you that a boat arrival
17:34has moved into your area
17:35and that he's confused about personal pronouns,
17:37he's been splitting his infinitives
17:39and ending his incentives with prepositions.
17:41Do you seal off the area and bring in a decontamination unit?
17:44Not for minor infractions of the rules of grammar, no, Sean.
17:49Well, when would you take action?
17:53Well, if they're in the streets,
17:55using phrases such as
17:56it all goes well and irregardless and pre-warning,
18:00then certainly we're not going to stand by
18:02and let the Queen's English be violated
18:04by these sorts of tautologies and redundancies.
18:07No, we'd call them the special ops team.
18:09All right.
18:10And what if an Australian citizen with poor language skills,
18:13let's say a professional footballer,
18:14moves into the community?
18:16Should neighbours be warned then as well?
18:18Ideally, yes,
18:19but you'd never get enough people
18:20with good language skills to warn them.
18:23You'd end up with millions of people out there
18:24talking gibberish to each other.
18:26Like a giant episode of Big Brother.
18:28Well, thank you very much, Senior Sergeant.
18:30Here is a copy of Adam Hill's CD
18:32and also Piers Ackerman's Country Classics,
18:36courtesy of ABC Music.
18:39Thank you very much, Sean.
18:40Very kind.
18:40Well, foreigners come from overseas,
18:43and it's often overseas
18:44that much of the world's international news takes place.
18:47Well, we wouldn't be honouring our obligations
18:50as a free-to-air news parody
18:51if we didn't include a nodding concession
18:53to news from countries that aren't Australia.
18:56Well, Pope Benedict barely had time
19:07to slip off his ring
19:08and hand over his red shoes
19:10when Australia's Cardinal George Pell
19:12gave him a boot on his way into the Vatcopter.
19:16Describing the Holy Father
19:17as a better theologian than a leader
19:19and calling his resignation
19:20slightly destabilising.
19:23Of course, Cardinal Pell was wrong
19:25because at that point,
19:26Pope Benedict was still infallible,
19:28so his resignation was therefore unifying and settling.
19:31But when Cardinal Pell was asked
19:33about who the new Pope should be,
19:34he said it should be somebody,
19:36but then he went on to say...
19:38He was able to lift the morale of the Roman Curia
19:41and perhaps provide a bit more discipline.
19:44Mmm, discipline, eh?
19:45Now, assuming they can't fast-track
19:47the ordination of this man,
19:48I suspect our George might be angling for the job himself,
19:53a suspicion fuelled by the leaking of this recording,
19:56which has been sent to every Cardinal
19:57in the upcoming conclave.
20:00If you're thinking of voting for Cardinal Francis Orens,
20:04remember what it was like
20:06when he was President of the Pontifical Council
20:08for Interreligious Dialogue?
20:10Or Cardinal Angelo Scholar?
20:14Sure, he's a theological anthropologist,
20:17but isn't a second doctorate in theology
20:19from the University of Freiburg just hubris?
20:23And what's Cardinal Mark Orlet's real beef with relativism?
20:28And what's really behind his links
20:30with Swiss theologian Hans-Ous von Balthasar?
20:36Under Cardinal George Pell's leadership,
20:38more Australians' prayers have been answered than ever before.
20:43And confidential information leaking from private confessions
20:47is way down.
20:50When the conclave convenes,
20:52don't risk it.
20:53Vote Pell.
20:55This attack ad spoken by D Bradshaw and R Hammond,
20:59written and authorised by His Eminence George Pell A.C.,
21:01Archbishop of Sydney.
21:05You know, there's an air of sadness
21:07about the Pope's resignation and retirement.
21:09A lot of people sorry to see him go.
21:11For me, though, the most upsetting thing,
21:13as somebody who supports animal rights,
21:15is the announcement that now the Pope has stepped down,
21:17they're going to destroy the Papal Seal.
21:19I think he's a bit unnecessary.
21:28On the plus side,
21:29it's also been announced that the smoke to be used
21:31to indicate the election of the new pontiff
21:33is to be generated by the burning of secret internal reports
21:36into Vatican corruption,
21:37blackmail and illicit sex.
21:39So I guess that's the last we'll be hearing about that.
21:42No government, no Pope.
21:44It wasn't for the Mafia.
21:44Italy would have no power structure at all.
21:46Also coming up,
21:53I talked to a lawyer
21:54mounting the class action
21:55for 23,000 Vodafone customers
21:57alleging poor service.
21:59Our issues with Vodafone
22:00concern unreliability,
22:02calls dropping out
22:02and poor reception, among other things.
22:04Sorry, I didn't catch that.
22:05What were you saying?
22:06Our main issues are unreliability,
22:08calls dropping out
22:09and poor reception.
22:10But there are others too.
22:11Sorry, you cut out again after issues.
22:13Our main issues with Vodafone
22:16are unreliability.
22:17I can't hear you.
22:17I don't know if you're going to hear me.
22:19I'll try and talk to you later, OK?
22:21But I'm going to...
22:21Bye!
22:25Sports next with Maggie Bathysphere
22:27and the team who are champing at the bit
22:29in their Fish Stadium commentary box,
22:30the only piece of construction
22:31they're actually completed,
22:32as I understand it, Maggie.
22:33Very nearly, Sean.
22:35Our hosts are just doing
22:36an electrical safety check
22:38to make sure we're using the right plugs.
22:40All right.
22:40Now, there is some worry
22:41that venues won't be ready
22:43for next year's Winter Olympics,
22:44but trials are already taking place,
22:45aren't they, Maggie?
22:46I don't think so, Sean.
22:47As far as I know,
22:48those officials Putin sacked
22:50back in February
22:50were sent straight to a gulag.
22:52The big problem is
22:53the $265 million ski jump venue.
22:57It keeps sliding down the mountain
22:59into the Mazinta River.
23:01In fact, it may well be
23:02the first venue to actually win
23:03the event that's being held in it.
23:06OK, now, Summer Olympics
23:07for a moment, Mags.
23:08The AOC's John Coates
23:10has come out and called
23:11for the Australian Anti-Doping Authority
23:12to be given powers to jail athletes
23:15who don't cooperate with them.
23:16Prisoner, give them a chance to focus.
23:18Freedom can be very distracting
23:19for an elite sports star, Sean.
23:21Weightlifters that enjoy the facilities,
23:23pole vaulters that enjoy the challenge.
23:25The only group who probably
23:26wouldn't do as well in the big house
23:27would be the floor routine gymnasts.
23:29Now, what about the cricket, Maggie?
23:31Because it says here
23:32in the now unreadable
23:33Sydney Morning Herald
23:34that the test in India,
23:37the second test,
23:38has gone cactus for Australia.
23:41Should we just give up that sport
23:43and stick to what we do best,
23:45beach volleyball?
23:47Look, don't write off cricket
23:48just yet, Sean.
23:49There's always the ashes.
23:50And a young Pakistani refugee
23:52could well be our secret weapon.
23:55They're saying Fawad Ahmed
23:56may be the best spinner
23:58we've had since Warnie.
24:00Warnie!
24:04But if the Aussies want him
24:05to take on the Poms,
24:06his application for citizenship
24:07will need to be fast-tracked.
24:09All right, is that possible?
24:10Sean, Michael Clark's personally
24:11filled out the young fella's
24:13citizenship test for him already.
24:14He's got a pretty good score too.
24:17And would Fawad Ahmed
24:18have to report to police
24:19between overs?
24:20Nah, the ashes are in June, Sean,
24:22well before the libs get in.
24:23OK.
24:27So this might be a sign
24:29of things to come
24:30for Australian cricket?
24:31Oh, absolutely, Sean.
24:32Forget Manus Island,
24:33Christmas Island and Nauru.
24:34Let's process these people
24:36with a G.
24:37Certainly don't send them
24:39to New Zealand.
24:40No, no, that's fine.
24:41Finally, Maggie,
24:41we've discussed the problems
24:42in sport.
24:43What's been the sport's highlight
24:44for you this week?
24:45Well, Sean, on the weekend,
24:47Shane Van Gisbergen
24:48won the Clipsal 500.
24:50Really fantastic.
24:51What are they?
24:53Well...
24:53Actually, no, no,
24:54we can't say Clipsal
24:55on the ABC, Maggie.
24:56It's against the Charter.
24:57Oh, right you are.
24:58Well, Shane Van Gisbergen
25:00won the Electrical Accessories
25:01Manufacturer 500,
25:03which is a car race
25:05in Adelaide, Sean.
25:06Oh, is it?
25:06Is it?
25:06Well, I'm not surprised.
25:07Trying to get out of there,
25:08were they?
25:09No.
25:11No, not at all.
25:12In fact, they kept driving
25:13round and round it.
25:14In disbelief, presumably.
25:16You know, one thing I noticed,
25:18you know, when they present
25:19the trophy to the winner
25:21of one of these motor racers,
25:22there are always two girls
25:24in skimpy clothing there
25:25trying to kiss him,
25:26one on either side.
25:27You didn't notice that?
25:28No.
25:30Now, one girl in skimpy clothing,
25:32sure, that's just plain,
25:33natural, old-fashioned sexism.
25:34But two seems to be suggesting
25:36there's going to be
25:37some sort of orgy, doesn't it?
25:38Don't know what you're talking
25:40about, Sean.
25:41Can you imagine that happening
25:42in women's sport, Maggie?
25:43Picture Lauren Jackson,
25:44captain of the Opals,
25:45being kissed by two women
25:47and then squirting champagne
25:48all over everybody.
25:50Never in your wildest dreams
25:52would that happen,
25:52would it, Maggie?
25:54Anyway, thanks, Maggie.
25:57What are you looking at?
25:58Not coming up,
26:01because Stephen Fry's on
26:02in a minute.
26:04Jordan annoys Australia
26:06by showing human kindness
26:07to refugees.
26:09And statue of Rosa Parks
26:11unveiled in Washington's
26:12state capitol
26:13should be standing up,
26:14claims person
26:15with shaky grasp of history.
26:18Well, finally,
26:20a story about stories
26:21traditionally on
26:21at the end of news broadcasts.
26:23I hate them.
26:25But if there's one thing
26:26I hate even more,
26:28it's negativity.
26:31Aussie billionaire
26:32mining tycoon Clive Palmer
26:34is, out of the goodness
26:37of his heart,
26:38rebuilding the Titanic
26:39and turning it
26:40into a luxury cruise line.
26:41And, of course,
26:42all the dismal jimmies
26:44and the smart-aleck
26:45media commentators
26:46are having a bit of a laugh.
26:48Oh, ho, ho, ho.
26:50Ha, ha.
26:51That's a rich one.
26:52How risible guffaw.
26:55They say Clive's crazy.
26:57I say crazy like a fox.
27:00We've had 16 people
27:01that have offered
27:01to pay more than
27:03$750,000 to a million dollars
27:05for a cabin
27:05to be on the first cruise.
27:0716 people.
27:08That means this time
27:09everybody gets a lifeboat.
27:12But whether it's a good idea
27:14or not is a relative question,
27:15as this relative
27:16of the Titanic's captain
27:17answered when the question
27:18was put to her.
27:19Well, I think it's
27:20utterly pointless.
27:21And in rather
27:23poor taste, really.
27:25Pointless?
27:26Poor taste?
27:27Really, old woman?
27:30Would it be
27:31poor taste
27:31to fly
27:32over Lakehurst, New Jersey
27:34in a replica Hindenburg?
27:35I don't think so.
27:38And pointless?
27:39Was it pointless
27:39of James Cameron
27:40to re-release
27:41the movie version
27:42of Titanic in 3D?
27:44Of course it was.
27:46But Clive's releasing
27:47his version
27:48in actual 3D,
27:49as seen here
27:50in this computer animation.
27:53People say Clive
27:54shouldn't have built
27:54the Titanic in China.
27:56What are they worried about?
27:57That lead-based paint
27:58will make it unsafe?
27:59It makes perfect sense
28:01that it'd be made in China.
28:02They're making it
28:03out of the iron ore
28:03that Clive's digging up
28:04in Australia
28:05and selling to them
28:06so he can make enough money
28:07to buy it back from them.
28:08Quid pro quo, Clarice.
28:11Anyway,
28:11no-one's going to know
28:12it's been made in China
28:13unless they look at the stamp
28:14at the bottom of the ship.
28:16And hopefully
28:16there's very little chance
28:17of anyone actually seeing
28:18the bottom of the ship
28:19this time round.
28:20But, you know,
28:23it's going to be great, you know.
28:25Clive says there'll be
28:26no phone, television
28:28or internet
28:28and passengers
28:29will wear the fashions
28:30from 1912.
28:31So, it'll be very much
28:32like a holiday in Devonport.
28:35And at the end of the day,
28:37Clive Palmer is a larger
28:38than medically recommended
28:39character
28:40and a great showman.
28:43How could anyone
28:44resist a sales pitch
28:46like this one?
28:47Anything will sink
28:48if you put a hole in it.
28:50Although, I'm not sure
28:52that's true, Clive.
28:54These have large
28:55round holes in them.
28:58And I'd seriously recommend
29:00that you take some of them
29:01on the voyage.
29:02Good night.
29:09Giant baby.