Original Broadcast Date: March 28th 2018
Category
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TVTranscript
00:00Attention.
00:30Thank you. Thank you very much.
00:35Well, I'm not so much mad as hell this week as sad as hell.
00:40Yeah, I know.
00:41I think the Prime Minister spoke for all of us when he said,
00:43How can our team be engaged in treating like this?
00:50It beggars belief.
00:52Now, no, he wasn't talking about the Coalition
00:54mining your personal Facebook data.
00:56He was talking about Australia's second Tampa crisis.
01:00Yes.
01:01I'm talking about the Australian cricket team
01:03who went overboard by doing the unthinkable.
01:06A replay showed Bancroft working on the ball
01:08before placing the tape back into his pocket.
01:12Yes, Cameron Bancroft used a piece of tape
01:14to try and make the ball move in an unusual way.
01:17He then put the tape down the front of his trousers,
01:20presumably for the same reason.
01:24Now, I feel tonight like our PM looks here.
01:27I think the whole country has been shamed
01:29not by the cheating.
01:31That's quintessentially Australian.
01:32We all do it with our tax, our travel expenses,
01:37or our employees' wages, or our customers' money,
01:40or in our relationships.
01:42I think the shame is that they couldn't pull it off.
01:47The sheer incompetence of it is what is so humiliating,
01:51that a country built on a convict past
01:53couldn't manage this simple deceit as a national embarrassment.
01:56And spare a thought for the Proteus, too.
02:00We've sledged them physically, threatened them and cheated them.
02:03I would urge Peter Dutton to create a special migrant intake
02:06for these persecuted white South African cricketers.
02:10Still, I don't want to distract from what was otherwise a pretty good week.
02:14You know, we're only... What is it now?
02:15One news poll away from having Tony Abbott being our Prime Minister again.
02:21The US and China declared trade war on each other, which is fun.
02:25Although it does put us in a very difficult position
02:28because, you know, we pretend to like both of them.
02:31And now we have to do what a lot of people do
02:34when a couple they know are fighting over tariffs
02:37and trade deficits and intellectual property rights.
02:39And that's take advantage of the situation
02:41and sell each of them our stuff at a significant mark-up.
02:45So let's be honest here.
02:46The only threat to free trade in our country is one thing,
02:50and one thing only, and that's Peter Dutton.
02:52And, uh, hang on a minute. Hang on.
02:54Can we now... Now, I mentioned Peter Dutton.
02:55Can we have a, please, a nice picture of Peter up?
02:58Because apparently he doesn't like the way the ABC
03:00has been representing him lately.
03:02And I have to say, I agree.
03:04So a nice, non-mean, respectful depiction
03:06of our Home Affairs Minister, please.
03:08LAUGHTER
03:11It's no wonder we're dead to him.
03:17Anyway, while Pete's OK with allowing au pair girls
03:20into the country willy-nilly,
03:22he wants to slap a $5 fee on all parcels coming into the country
03:26containing goods under $1,000
03:28in order to cover the cost of security checks.
03:31Now, while that, like Peter himself, is perfectly reasonable,
03:34it is going to make these things that we're buying from overseas
03:38more expensive and may force us to buy
03:40inferior locally-made products instead.
03:43For example, I buy about $500 worth of illegal fireworks
03:46from China a month.
03:47Now, that's going to cost me $505 a month.
03:50A couple of times a year,
03:51I buy a Glock Pathfinder conversion kit from the US,
03:55$549.95 usually.
03:57Now, that's going to set me back $554.95.
04:00Ditto when I want to replenish my supply
04:01of World War II A and M64 bombs.
04:04And, you know, you can't get that stuff here.
04:06So, you know, thanks a lot, Peter.
04:09One thing, though, that did arrive from overseas over the weekend,
04:12tariff-free, which was most welcome,
04:14was late model ex-president Barack Obama.
04:18Like Windows 10, seeing this previous version of the president
04:20reminded us of how unnecessary the last upgrade was.
04:23Here he is visiting the Sydney Opera House,
04:26and look how charming and friendly he is to the crowd.
04:29It is hard to imagine President Trump doing that, isn't it?
04:33In fact, the closest thing I could find
04:34was this footage here of Mussolini.
04:38Very similar, except, of course,
04:41Mussolini was a lot more respected internationally.
04:44Ex-president Obama was here as a guest
04:47of the Art Gallery of New South Wales.
04:49I actually don't think President Trump
04:51has much of an interest in art.
04:52I think the only picture hanging in the Oval Office
04:54is this one here of Melania.
04:57The other big difference, I suppose,
04:59between Barack Obama and Donald Trump is...
05:02Oh, now, come on.
05:03Hey!
05:06Donald Trump does not look like a hydra-headed gorgon, be fair.
05:15The other big difference between the two men
05:18is that when Donald Trump sleeps with someone
05:20behind his wife's back,
05:21he offers to pay them afterwards.
05:23Whereas when Malcolm Turnbull visited
05:25Barack Obama's hotel room on Friday
05:27and stayed just under two hours,
05:29I don't think there was any thought of insulting Malcolm
05:31by trying to give him a tip.
05:34Malcolm, I assume, just brought him the room service,
05:36explained how to operate the thermostat,
05:38turned down the bed,
05:39talked about Snowy Hydro 2.0
05:41and spent the rest of the time taking selfies.
05:45Because Malcolm loves a selfie, doesn't he?
05:48He really does seem quite keen on them.
05:50Now, I'm not saying that he's got a problem with them,
05:53but, you know, these people didn't even ask for these shots.
05:56Malcolm just ripped their phone off them
05:57and took a whole bunch of pictures.
06:01Still, it's not that many.
06:02It's not too bad, is it?
06:03I mean, I guess it's not that obsessive, is it?
06:05Oh, there's still more.
06:07He's probably just thinking,
06:09while we're here, let's get one with you
06:11and you and you and you and you and you and you
06:14and you and you and you and you and you and you
06:17and you and you and you and you and you and you and you.
06:21Nice, we should do that one.
06:22And I should say that any perceived narcissism
06:24on the part of the PM is somewhat mitigated
06:26by the fact that none of these selfies
06:28have quite turned out as planned.
06:31He really does need to adjust his technique there a little.
06:35I think, I just think so.
06:37Well, to Australia's class war now
06:38and fighting has been intensifying.
06:40This special report from volunteer organisation
06:42Gardens Without Borders.
06:43G'day.
06:47And this even more detailed contribution
06:50from the Seven Network.
06:52In the past two years,
06:5394% of companies here have reported a profit.
06:57Great stuff.
06:58More companies reporting profits
06:59means more jobs and higher wages.
07:01Wage growth right now at the lowest level in 20 years.
07:06Or they just keep the profits.
07:08But if company profits aren't translating into wages growth,
07:11why would company tax cuts?
07:13Well, because...
07:14Wait till I've introduced you.
07:16And yet business groups have rejected calls
07:18for the Turnbull government
07:20to adopt a Japanese policy
07:21of forcing companies that benefit
07:23from corporate tax cuts to deliver pay rises.
07:26Glastonbury Chick from a business group.
07:28Japan has this policy, why not us?
07:30Well, Sean, Japan also has game shows
07:33where men walk upside down on one hand
07:35across snake-filled canyons
07:37while shoving fire ants down their pants with the other.
07:40Do we want that here too?
07:42Well, I'd prefer that to Gardening Australia.
07:45LAUGHTER
07:46But why do you argue that once the tax cuts have gone through,
07:50firms need the freedom to decide how they will invest the money?
07:53Well, yes.
07:54I mean, if you serve a small child a bowl of vegetables
07:56and tell them to eat them, they won't eat them.
07:58But if you give that child a junior burger,
08:01fries, vegetables, and the freedom to eat whatever they want,
08:04then some children might eat some of the vegetables by accident.
08:07Right, so the freedom that you need to decide how to invest the money
08:11is freedom to not invest it in wage rises
08:13so that you can invest it in wage rises.
08:16You didn't like the vegetable analogy?
08:18Well, no, can we really trust businesses to do the right thing here?
08:21Well, Sean, why would you have such a cynical view of business?
08:24Well, I guess I'm thinking of the banks, training colleges,
08:28religious institutions, casinos, vehicle manufacturers,
08:32government-owned companies and instrumentalities,
08:34local councils, unions, the racing industry, sporting clubs,
08:37foreign aid organisations and convenience store franchises.
08:4013 bad apples don't spoil the whole bunch.
08:45And then on top of that, the National Retailers Association...
08:48Excuse me.
08:48And on top of that, the National Retailers Association,
08:51the unfortunately-acronymed NRA,
08:53has urged the Fair Work Commission
08:55to award workers a zero minimum wage increase.
08:58The NRA's beast mcmick.
09:00What's the economic rationale behind a zero-percentage wage rise?
09:04Fuck them.
09:06Hmm, many things.
09:08Meanwhile, Small Business Minister Craig Laundie
09:11has again stated that the government won't force businesses
09:13to pass the corporate tax cut benefit onto employee wages.
09:17I'm not a fan of telling companies what they can and can't do.
09:20Yeah, they're not unions.
09:22Besides, the government isn't even a fan of telling companies
09:25to pay tax, let alone pass the tax card on.
09:28But I can't deny that the government
09:30has very nearly been successful this week.
09:32For as it turns out, it is easier for a camel
09:35to pass through the eye of a needle
09:36than it is for a government to pass a tax reform bill
09:39through the Senate.
09:40Finance Minister Mathias Cormann
09:42almost performed a miracle.
09:43He very nearly convinced enough of those sitting on the crossbenches
09:46that reducing the corporate tax rate
09:48from 30% to 25%
09:50at a cost of $65 billion
09:51was a good idea.
09:53Well, we'll have to wait till May.
09:55But in the meantime,
09:56why not just put that $65 billion
09:58directly back into the economy
09:59rather than through the profit ledgers of the companies involved?
10:02Chief Advisor to Mathias Cormann, Darius Horsham.
10:05Sean, you can't bullshit on the leg
10:07of the Australian taxpayer
10:08and tell them it's a brown kitten.
10:10Stimulating the economy directly
10:12is fraught with problems.
10:14People end up with too many flat-screen televisions
10:16or solar panels on the roof
10:18or those really weird curly light bulbs
10:20that people want to come into your house
10:22and put in when it's almost tea time.
10:25Running businesses is none of our business.
10:27Well, you could spend the money
10:28on nation-building projects, infrastructure...
10:30Let's all beat our swords into plowshares,
10:33codskin!
10:34You want a $65 billion statue of a white elephant?
10:37Go right ahead.
10:38Vote in Bill Shorten and his gender-equal band
10:40of merry men and ladies
10:42who steal your hard-earned tax dollars
10:44from defenseless retirees.
10:46But if you want possible wages calls
10:48from companies who are hopefully so happy
10:50we give them a tax break
10:51they'll suddenly change their personalities,
10:53like Scrooge when he finds out he's alive
10:55on Christmas morning
10:56that they might give their own Bob Cratchits
10:58a pay rise,
10:59then you'd better be praying
11:00we'll be back.
11:02Well, you have managed to convince
11:04David Lionhelm,
11:05Pauline Hanson's One Nation's
11:06Peter Georgiou,
11:07Brian Burstyn,
11:08Pauline Hanson,
11:08the Jackie Lambie Network,
11:10Steve Martin and others
11:10to back the bill.
11:11How did you do it?
11:12Well, Sean, it was very simple.
11:14And Matthias got them into a room
11:15with former head of the Minerals Council,
11:18Brendan Pearson,
11:19and told them they were all
11:20economic girly men!
11:21And then,
11:23I told One Nation we'd consider
11:25some of their less insane demands.
11:27David Lionhelm,
11:28I tricked by waving
11:29a piece of shiny material
11:31in front of him,
11:32but generally they see the sense
11:34in the proposal.
11:35I mean, after all,
11:36why do you think someone like Steve Martin
11:37agreed to vote with us?
11:39Oh, I don't know,
11:40because he's a wild and crazy guy?
11:42Oh!
11:43Oh!
11:44Oh!
11:44Oh!
11:44Oh!
11:44Oh!
11:44Oh!
11:44Oh!
11:45Oh!
11:45Oh!
11:46Oh!
11:46Oh!
11:47Oh!
11:47Oh!
11:48Oh!
11:48Oh!
11:49Oh!
11:49Oh!
11:50Oh!
11:50Oh!
11:51Oh!
11:51Sean.
11:53Yes?
11:54This is neither the time
11:55nor the place
11:55for terrible impressions.
11:59Forgive me, Darius.
12:00Fantastic.
12:04Yes, the pressure
12:05being brought to bear
12:06in the Senate chamber
12:07is so intense these days,
12:08it's really more
12:08of a hyperbaric chamber.
12:10And with the latest
12:10on the resulting bubbles
12:12in the brains
12:12of those in it,
12:13here's Dolly's Roundup.
12:14Thanks, Sean.
12:25Well, as yous all know,
12:27Senators George Brandes
12:28has been replaced
12:29by Amanda Stoker,
12:31a woman.
12:32San Dastyari
12:33with Christina Keneally,
12:35a woman.
12:36Nick Xenophon
12:37teams Nick Xenophon
12:38with Rex Patrick,
12:39not a woman.
12:40And Nick Xenophon
12:42teams Sky
12:43Kikocchi
12:43even more
12:44with Tim Storer,
12:45also not a woman.
12:47So, yeah,
12:48it's about 50-50 there
12:49in terms of gender spread,
12:50Sean,
12:51which is,
12:51if you look at this graphic
12:53what I've done,
12:54you'll see
12:54that it's neck and neck
12:56with the Greens
12:57a little bit higher
12:58than the Labs
12:59on 44%,
13:00and way ahead
13:02of the Libs
13:03on a shit-ass 22.6%.
13:04And the Nats
13:06just have two women there,
13:08one for each house.
13:10A bit like Barnaby.
13:13Can I just say,
13:15it's a lovely graphic
13:16that you've done.
13:17Oh,
13:18thank you, Sean.
13:19Yeah.
13:19Actually,
13:20I got the idea
13:21of ABC's
13:22anaesthesiologist
13:23Anthony Green.
13:25Anthony Green's
13:26actually a sophologist.
13:28He's not an anaesthesiologist.
13:30You obviously
13:31didn't see him
13:32on election night
13:32back in 2016.
13:34Oh,
13:34thank you,
13:35thank you,
13:35darling.
13:37It's going to be
13:38a tough fight,
13:38though,
13:39with...
13:39..with senators
13:44like Derren Hinch
13:45and Pauline Hanson.
13:46In fact,
13:46those two exact senators
13:47saying that they
13:48wanted a commitment
13:49that the tax cut
13:50would be passed
13:51through to workers.
13:52Well,
13:52sure enough,
13:53in the post
13:53the next day
13:54was a letter
13:54from the Business Council
13:56of Australia
13:56signed by the heads
13:57of 10 of Australia's
13:58biggest employers
13:59and presumably
14:00some sort of pen
14:00committee
14:01that they would
14:02use the money
14:03to invest more
14:04in Australia,
14:05which would lead
14:05to employing
14:06more Australians.
14:07Which is not
14:08quite the same thing
14:09as wage growth,
14:09is it?
14:10It's just potentially
14:11more jobs
14:12at the same low wage.
14:13What I find difficult
14:14to understand
14:15is why,
14:15if the government
14:16is so keen
14:17on wage growth,
14:17it doesn't support
14:18an increase
14:19in the minimum wage.
14:20Wouldn't increasing
14:21wages result
14:22in their growth,
14:23Assistant Minister
14:24to the Assistant
14:24Treasurer,
14:25Draymella Burt.
14:26Well,
14:26Sean,
14:26to mandate
14:27a wage rise
14:28is to meddle
14:28with the primal
14:29forces of the market.
14:31I don't want
14:31to sound patronising,
14:32but I think
14:33you should just
14:33stick to making
14:34your little jokes
14:34and leave the economic
14:35management to us.
14:37But isn't lowering
14:38the corporate tax rate
14:39meddling in the market?
14:40Well,
14:41it's very easy
14:41to play word games,
14:43Sean.
14:43The fact is,
14:44if it costs more money
14:45for these companies
14:45to make things,
14:46then those things
14:47become more expensive.
14:48So your increased wage
14:50ends up buying
14:50the same as it did
14:51when you had less.
14:52I mean,
14:53wages can't grow
14:54unless there's more
14:55stuff to buy
14:56being made.
14:57Right,
14:57so if workers
14:58are making more,
14:59businesses will
15:00pay them more.
15:01Well,
15:01maybe,
15:02yes.
15:02It's simple
15:03demand and supply.
15:04Yeah,
15:04but if you gave
15:05the tax cut
15:06to the workers
15:06rather than
15:07the businesses,
15:14wouldn't that mean
15:16people would
15:17want to buy
15:17more stuff?
15:18More demand
15:18would mean
15:18more stuff
15:19would be made
15:20and that means
15:21things become
15:21cheaper per unit.
15:22and the economy
15:23grows.
15:24Oh,
15:25Sean,
15:25you are adorable,
15:26but again,
15:27you're ignoring
15:28the natural order
15:29of things.
15:30As soon as wages
15:31rise,
15:31the Reserve Banks
15:32will put up
15:33the interest rates
15:33to ward off
15:34inflation,
15:35so you end up
15:35back where you were
15:36with less money
15:36to spend.
15:37How is that natural?
15:39What's the point
15:39having a level playing
15:40field if someone's
15:41allowed to run on
15:42and push you over
15:42whenever you get
15:43the ball?
15:44Well,
15:44Sean,
15:44we don't make
15:45the rules
15:46unless it suits us.
15:48So the economy
15:49can only really
15:50grow if wages
15:51are low?
15:51Yeah,
15:51but more people
15:52are earning
15:53those low wages,
15:54Sean.
15:54That's the beauty
15:54of it.
15:55More people
15:55buying stuff
15:56rather than
15:56people buying
15:57more stuff.
15:58It's why we talk
15:58about wage growth
15:59resulting from the
16:00tax cut rather than
16:01wage increases.
16:03Yeah,
16:03you're right.
16:04It is very easy
16:04to play word games,
16:05isn't it?
16:05Yeah,
16:08I told you.
16:13And coming up
16:14later in the show,
16:15scientists have
16:16discovered hourly rates
16:17that exist far below
16:18what was previously
16:19thought possible,
16:20what they're calling
16:21absolute minimum wage.
16:24Minus $273 per week.
16:26So far,
16:27we've only worked
16:27with casual employees
16:28on individual contracts,
16:29but basically
16:30they're offered a wage,
16:31let's call that X,
16:32then using lasers
16:33they're bombarded
16:34with work-related expenses.
16:36Uniforms,
16:36insurance,
16:37licences,
16:38ongoing training,
16:39drug tests,
16:40working with children
16:40checks,
16:41working without children
16:42checks,
16:42memberships,
16:43affiliations,
16:44birthday club,
16:45Kris Kringle,
16:46Kris Kringle in July.
16:47Let's call all that Y.
16:48So basically,
16:49the effective wage
16:50is X minus Y.
16:51Which is...
16:52Oh, fuck all, really.
16:53Well, negative.
16:54Fuck all.
16:55And later on
16:56in the week,
16:57this.
17:07Yeah, well,
17:07that siege out
17:08at Menangaroo
17:08can wait.
17:09Yohan Griffiths
17:10shooting exteriors
17:11for Harrow
17:11and he needs
17:12a security detail
17:13on his caravan.
17:16When Noni Hazlehurst
17:17was doing a place
17:18to call home,
17:19she used a change
17:19in the public toilets
17:21and bring her own
17:22clothes from home.
17:23It was before
17:24it went to bloody
17:25Foxtel.
17:30There was a situation.
17:34So while you two
17:35are off trying
17:36to talk some maniac
17:36out of shooting
17:37his hostages,
17:38Yohan Griffiths
17:39has his watch stolen.
17:40He left it
17:41in the make-up ban,
17:42all right?
17:42It was on the sink.
17:43Meanwhile,
17:44the whole production
17:44loses 10 minutes
17:46while the director
17:46is on the phone
17:47to Yohan's agent
17:47back in London
17:48explaining why
17:49they shouldn't
17:49pull up stumps
17:50and move the thing
17:51to bloody New Zealand.
17:54Chief wants us
17:58to get down
17:59to the Pine Gap
17:59set and put up
18:00some safety cones.
18:01Someone spilled
18:02their latte
18:02all over the catering
18:03tent.
18:04These big budget
18:05co-pros are
18:05killing this industry.
18:09When I was advising
18:10on Blue Murder
18:11back in 95,
18:12there was no catering
18:13at all.
18:13If the cast got hungry,
18:14they had to eat
18:15out of the business.
18:15What about Richard
18:18Roxburgh?
18:19Well, Bill Hunter
18:19tried to take a bite
18:20out of him,
18:20but Richard was
18:21too fast for it.
18:23Curiosity
18:24calls a sack
18:26I'm telling you
18:29I know
18:29where it's at
18:31Welcome back.
18:34Medicinal heroin,
18:35is it a thing?
18:37And if so,
18:38why?
18:38With an answer
18:39that'll have you
18:40up in arms
18:40and clicking your fingers,
18:41the Mad as Hell
18:42Clockwork Movement
18:43Ensemble.
18:43The Clockwork Movement
18:58Ensemble,
18:59they're bringing
18:59some much-needed
19:00common sense
19:01to a fight
19:01that's dividing
19:02too many of us
19:02into equal halves.
19:05Well, time now,
19:06though,
19:06for some of this.
19:10Science.
19:11And technology.
19:13Well, great news
19:15for people
19:15who take antibiotics
19:16for no reason
19:17whatsoever.
19:18The CSIRO
19:19has pinpointed
19:20a protein
19:20in platypus milk
19:21that they believe
19:22could be used
19:23to kill off bacteria
19:24that is resistant
19:24to antibiotics.
19:26Aside from this
19:26meaning that these
19:27people can now
19:28drink platypus milk
19:28unnecessarily
19:29every time they
19:30have a virus,
19:31a cold,
19:31or stub their toe
19:32until eventually
19:33bacteria are resistant
19:34to that as well.
19:35It's also good news
19:36for those white
19:37South African farmers
19:38Peter Dutton
19:39wants to bring
19:39into the country.
19:40Isn't it Home Affairs
19:41Duties Officer
19:42Karabunga Moon?
19:44Yeah, it's a great
19:45opportunity for them,
19:46Sean.
19:46The only challenge
19:47will be retraining
19:48them to milk
19:49the platypi
19:50who these farmers
19:50would not be
19:51familiar with.
19:52I mean, yes,
19:52they have ducks
19:53over there in
19:53South Africa
19:54and otters,
19:55but never both
19:56animals crammed
19:57together like they
19:57are over here
19:58in a single creature.
19:59And I doubt
20:00very much whether
20:01they've ever milked
20:02either on a
20:02commercial scale.
20:04You'd need a
20:05very low stool,
20:06I imagine,
20:06for a platypus.
20:07Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
20:08Much lower than
20:08you'd need to, say,
20:09milk a giraffe
20:10or even a duck,
20:11I imagine.
20:12Quite easy to reach
20:13a duck, I would have
20:14thought.
20:14Not while it's
20:15flying, Sean.
20:15I think you'd
20:16almost definitely
20:17need a ladder,
20:18probably with wheels
20:18on it, driven by
20:19some sort of
20:19high-speed engine.
20:21Well, thank you
20:21very much,
20:22Karabunga.
20:23Well, to technology
20:25now, and the value
20:26of Facebook continues
20:27to plummet following
20:28the massive data
20:29harvesting haul by
20:30massive data
20:31harvester Cambridge
20:32Analytica, who,
20:33despite not operating
20:34in Australia, has a
20:35registered office here,
20:36headed by Alan
20:37Lorraine, a used
20:38car salesman.
20:40This terrible breach
20:41of trust has wiped
20:42$57 billion from
20:43the value of Facebook.
20:45It's also prompted
20:46the growing Delete
20:47Facebook movement,
20:48which is finally
20:48some good news
20:49for MySpace.
20:52Isn't that right?
20:53MySpace Australia
20:54company director,
20:55Simon Chocolate.
20:57That's right, Sean.
20:57It's been a long time
20:58coming, but finally
21:00the worm has turned
21:01and we look set to
21:02ride it all the way
21:02to the bank.
21:04For the worm.
21:05That's right, Sean.
21:06Laughing all the way.
21:08Now, you're the
21:09Australian MySpace
21:10company director.
21:11I wasn't aware that
21:12MySpace operated over here.
21:13They technically don't.
21:14I just saw an opportunity
21:16a few years ago
21:16and registered the name.
21:18I operate out of
21:19this house.
21:20Yep.
21:22That's interesting.
21:22That's the same house
21:23used as the registered
21:24office of Cambridge Analytica,
21:25isn't it?
21:26That's right, Sean.
21:27Yes.
21:28Although I should point out
21:29that they are completely
21:29separate businesses
21:30and that I do not
21:31live in the house.
21:33I'm usually to be found
21:34down in the garage
21:34washing the cars
21:36for Alan.
21:38And I see,
21:38there's a picture
21:39of you there
21:40washing what I assume
21:41is one of Alan's cars.
21:42Which I rent from Alan
21:43to live in, yes.
21:45And now that things
21:45are looking up
21:46for MySpace,
21:47I look forward to being
21:48able to actually
21:48pay my rent in money.
21:50Um...
21:51You don't have
21:54any other work
21:55other than running
21:56MySpace
21:56and washing Alan's cars?
21:58Oh, yes.
21:59I should make it clear
21:59that MySpace
22:00is not the most
22:01popular website
22:02that I run.
22:03I also run
22:03ninjaflex.com.au.
22:07Tosh Greenslave there,
22:08acting the role
22:09of the fictitious
22:10head of MySpace Australia.
22:12Thanks, Tosh.
22:14Well, first we had
22:15the debate over
22:15moving the Australia Day
22:16holiday and now
22:17with Easter just
22:18around the corner,
22:18another public holiday
22:19that apparently
22:20needs to be changed.
22:22Our first question
22:22comes from, uh,
22:24Corbyn Shatbladder.
22:25Hello, I'm here.
22:27OK.
22:27And, uh,
22:28and you are from
22:28Indented Head.
22:30And you believe
22:32Good Friday
22:33should be moved?
22:34Yes.
22:35I believe it is
22:36completely inappropriate
22:37to celebrate
22:38Good Friday
22:38on the day
22:39when Christ our Saviour
22:40died for our sins.
22:41Woo!
22:42Hey, hey, hey,
22:43no, no, no.
22:44Hey!
22:45He's perfectly
22:46entitled to his beliefs.
22:48Typical bloody
22:48godless ABC audience.
22:51Yeah, yeah.
22:52I mean, he dies
22:53and our response
22:54is, let's all
22:55have a holiday.
22:55He's the one
22:57who should have
22:57the holiday.
22:58He's just
22:58being crucified.
23:00It's insensitive,
23:02it's unfeeling
23:03and it's a third word
23:04that means the same thing.
23:05Yeah, so,
23:06that, uh,
23:06that audience reaction
23:08close-up was a bit
23:09too close, wasn't it?
23:11Who's directing
23:12tonight?
23:12Salvador Dali.
23:14I'm not sure.
23:16So, uh,
23:17so you want to
23:18commemorate the day
23:19he died on a day
23:20when he didn't die?
23:21Well, it'd be
23:21more tasteful,
23:22wouldn't it?
23:24Instead of dragging
23:25up everything
23:25from the past
23:26all over again.
23:27Um, you don't think
23:28it defeats
23:29the point of
23:29Good Friday?
23:31No.
23:32Well, one for you,
23:33I think.
23:33Good amenia,
23:34Forrest.
23:35Well, Sean,
23:35we celebrate
23:36the Queen's birthday
23:37on a day
23:38that isn't her birthday,
23:39so I say,
23:40why not show
23:41some sensitivity
23:42and commemorate
23:43the death of Jesus,
23:44not only on a day
23:46when he didn't die,
23:47but on a day
23:48when he did
23:49something we can
23:49actually celebrate,
23:50like turning wine
23:52into water.
23:53Yeah, no,
23:54I think you mean
23:55when he turned
23:55water into wine.
23:57Oh, well,
23:58that's a lot more
23:58impressive, isn't it?
24:00Am I right, ladies?
24:01Because actually,
24:02I was going to say,
24:03I've turned a fair bit
24:04of wine into water
24:05in my time too,
24:06if you know
24:07what I mean.
24:08Oh, go straight
24:09through me.
24:11Well, sadly,
24:12Goodamini,
24:12we've run out
24:13of patience.
24:15And coming up,
24:16we cross to Cardwell
24:17in far north Queensland
24:18for one of
24:18Pauline Hanson's
24:19exclusive analogies.
24:20The people here
24:21at Cardwell
24:22have been left
24:23high and dry
24:23just like these
24:24coconuts.
24:26I mean,
24:28dry I get,
24:29but given it's
24:30on the ground
24:30and not up in a tree,
24:31I'm not sure
24:32high is quite right.
24:33Anyway,
24:34we'll have a lot less
24:35from Pauline
24:35coming up later
24:36in the show.
24:37Incidentally,
24:38Pauline's new book
24:39was released yesterday
24:40and I read it
24:41and I predict
24:42it'll walk off
24:42the shelves.
24:43And if not,
24:44all the other books
24:45around it will.
24:47Now,
24:48before we go to the break,
24:49some state-based news,
24:50if I may.
24:51It's from Victoria
24:52and I'm mindful
24:52of losing viewers
24:53from the rest of the country
24:54who, like Victoria,
24:55don't care what happens there.
24:57So,
24:57we've decided
24:59to set up
25:00this story
25:00over this vision
25:01of a baby elephant
25:02enjoying its first bath.
25:04Victoria Premier
25:05Daniel Andrews
25:06is under pressure
25:07over news
25:08that Labor MPs
25:09misused office
25:10entitlements
25:10worth almost
25:11$400,000
25:12on campaign expenses
25:14during the 2014 election.
25:16Labor has since
25:17repaid the money
25:17but it's not stopped
25:18opposition leader
25:19Matthew Guy
25:20alleging fraud,
25:21theft and corruption
25:21and calling for
25:22the Premier to resign.
25:24Now,
25:25I don't know
25:26where Matthew Guy
25:27gets off
25:27accusing anybody
25:29of fraud,
25:30theft and corruption
25:31and I say that
25:31not because he once
25:32allegedly had
25:33an alleged lobster dinner
25:34with an alleged
25:35mafia boss
25:36but because
25:37he actually
25:38looks exactly
25:38like Michael
25:39Corleone.
25:42Comincidence?
25:42I don't think so.
25:44Anyway,
25:44after the break,
25:45how to tamper
25:46with a cricket ball
25:47so no one
25:48will notice.
25:50Yes.
25:53That's how you do it
25:54and later in the week,
25:56this.
26:06Thompson.
26:16Sir.
26:17Why the noon
26:18make my cloche my clee
26:19all like a noon
26:19my noon
26:20my snowdy?
26:23I'd say so, sir.
26:25Leagate to the
26:26marks around the neck,
26:27similar pattern
26:27to the other ones.
26:30You did till my
26:30bruise on the way
26:31part like the job is.
26:34Sorry, sir.
26:34You did till my bruise
26:36land off the way
26:37part like the job is.
26:38Yes.
26:38Um,
26:40wait.
26:42Sorry.
26:44You did till my bruise
26:45land off the way
26:46part like the job is.
26:57I'm not broken
26:58them now.
27:00Ah,
27:01what you can,
27:02what you finny can.
27:03Stuart,
27:04when makes me
27:05when I'm likely
27:05the coon
27:06de la schleicher noon.
27:09Thank you, sir.
27:11Del de coon
27:11de la schleicher.
27:14Freak my crew
27:15in the noon.
27:18Ross.
27:19Stentic blue,
27:20blue.
27:20Back up,
27:21punk balls.
27:21Red times.
27:23Didn't he?
27:26Magoodle.
27:26pop new.
27:47DCI,
27:51McDoor.
27:51Friday night on ABC.
27:57Now,
27:57not cubby up because,
27:59Sando's on in a minute.
28:02Data breaches,
28:03someone get this guy a pair.
28:06Delayed start to 1948 Olympic 100 metre final.
28:10And new trial to stop aircraft bird strikes.
28:18And finally,
28:19the last known male northern white rhino died this week.
28:22Aw.
28:23Leaving the species under similar threat to the male southern white farmer.
28:26Scientists say they tried just about everything.
28:33They even put the 45-year-old on Tinder as part of a publicity campaign.
28:38Yeah.
28:38Well,
28:38when they really should have put it on Grindr to see if it turned up any other males.
28:42Goodbye.
28:45Giant baby.
28:46It's been a terrible catch.
28:52It's been a terrible catch.
28:53It's been a terrible catch.
28:54It's been a terrible catch.
29:00It's been a terrible catch.
29:02All right,
29:03thanks for reading this week.
29:04I'm just kidding.
29:05So.
29:06So,
29:07now,
29:08after you.
29:08After from disclosure,