Original Broadcast Date: July 26th 2017
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TVTranscript
00:00Good day, I love you, I love you!
00:30Well, well, well, well, well, we all thought it was going to be the ultimate battle between good and evil.
00:45Tony Abbott and Malcolm Turnbull meeting each other at the Australian equivalent of Megiddo,
00:50the Rose Hill racecourse, to separate the sheep from the goats, moderates from conservatives,
00:54both armies waging war on each other until only one stood victorious, to thereafter rule all of us from his seat in heaven, Warringah or Wentworth, depending.
01:05But it didn't happen. It was very disappointing.
01:08Tony had rung Malcolm earlier in the week, presumably to make sure they weren't going to turn up wearing the same tie, because that would be embarrassing.
01:14And they fell to talking and discovered that they had a lot in common and actually agreed on quite a lot of things.
01:20Well, one, anyway, that each member of the Liberal Party should be able to vote on candidates, most importantly Tony, getting pre-selection.
01:28So far from shaping up to be a Turnbull v Abbott showdown, they both turned out to be on the same side.
01:35And look how happy they are to both be on that same side.
01:40So you can see what you can accomplish when you just talk to each other.
01:43And I think they both made the right decision, don't you?
01:47A nice purple tie for Malcolm and Tony, looking very fetching in his security lanyard,
01:52which I assume he stole from one of Peter Dutton's many unattended officers.
01:57It's just a pity it took so long, isn't it?
02:00As Tony himself said to Malcolm after they'd made up.
02:03I mean, all this time we could have been friends.
02:09You were frightened.
02:10So while I applaud the fact that moderates and conservatives are now joined together thanks to last weekend's convention,
02:19I wonder if, like Jeff Goldblum, after he got into the teleporter with the fly,
02:23the hideous mutant which has resulted from the merging of these two very distinct political organisms will be happy.
02:29For as Jeff discovered when his fingernails and skin fell off and he had to pre-digest his food with corrosive vomit,
02:35it's the day-to-day stuff that can be difficult.
02:37For example, just last week Malcolm had sniffed that a change in the political weather was coming
02:45and finally did what Australians have been screaming for him to do for months,
02:50give Peter Dutton a new super ministry.
02:52Australia's domestic spy agency, the Federal Police and Border Force are among the organisations
02:57which will combine to form a new home affairs portfolio.
03:01Now, you might have thought that someone from AFL headquarters would have been more suited for home affairs,
03:06but...
03:06This is the most significant focus on Australia's national intelligence capabilities
03:13since Eddie Maguire hosted the National IQ Test.
03:16Not only does it combine ASIO and the AFP with immigration,
03:20but remember, the Immigration Department already includes Border Force, one of my favourite programmes,
03:24after it joined those forces with customs under the Abbott government.
03:29And if you've forgotten, customs under the Abbott government included such things
03:32as granting knighthoods to the royal family and being interviewed naked.
03:38Now, the big loser from day one of this restructure is said to be Senator George Brandis.
03:45It's very sad.
03:46It's very sad.
03:48He no longer gets to look after ASIO anymore.
03:52But an apparent olive branch to George Brandis puts him in charge of oversight of national security organisations.
03:58And if oversight is what you want, the Senate is obviously the place to go.
04:02Personally, though, I would have thought Senator Brandis looked pretty chuffed
04:05with the new arrangements at the announcement.
04:07Laughing and carrying on with his colleagues.
04:10And why wouldn't he?
04:12Because what this new immigration-slash-ASIO-slash-AFP structure allows the government to do
04:17is assess a person's application for a visa or citizenship,
04:20covertly gather high-level intelligence on them,
04:23and then have them arrested, raided or shot,
04:25all under the umbrella of one convenient ministry.
04:29But, of course, hate is going to hate.
04:31This is about national security, not Malcolm Turnbull's job security.
04:35Yeah, but he's still got it.
04:42In fact, Bill got so excited on the weekend when Malcolm and Tony started agreeing with each other
04:46that he thought he may as well have a go as well,
04:49seeking bipartisan support for a referendum to fix parliamentary terms at four years.
04:54And the great thing about this is that not only do we all have to go and vote
04:58to ensure that what we're already putting up with runs an extra year, year and a half,
05:02we get the senators we've got for eight years instead of six.
05:07Mind you, some of them find it hard to do even that.
05:11In fact, I'm reminded of the old Woody Allen joke of the two women complaining about a restaurant.
05:17One says, the food here is terrible, and the other one says, yes, it is.
05:21And in such small portions.
05:23And I think this is the key joke about our parliamentary system, apart from Erica Betts.
05:29But the real story here is a feel-good one.
05:35Peter Dutton getting his new super-ministry.
05:38Well done, Peter, I say.
05:39More power to you, if that's possible.
05:43Immigration is usually such a dead-end job, as Scott Morrison and Chris Bowen have proved.
05:47Although former Green Senator Robert Simm has been a bit uncharitable
05:51when he said that elevating Mr Dutton to the new super-ministry
05:54was a bit like putting Dracula in charge of the blood bank.
05:57Garth Trumbull, you are a Count Dracula impersonator.
06:01Yes, I am.
06:02How do you think Count Dracula would respond to that comparison?
06:05I think he'd be very offended.
06:07OK, so let's say that Dracula was put in charge of the blood bank.
06:10How do you think he'd do in the job?
06:12I think he'd be very grateful for the opportunity
06:14and for the trust that people have shown in him
06:16and determined to make sure that no blood was spilt.
06:18Well, that does sound like what Mr Turnbull's hoping for with the super-ministry.
06:23He'd also spend some time hanging upside down in a darkened space,
06:27emitting low-energy sound impulses and rubbing his legs together to clean them.
06:32Yes, well, the similarities with Mr Dutton are extraordinary.
06:36Thank you, Garth.
06:36The first big issue that Peter has weighed in on is gay marriage and the post office,
06:41two things that have nothing to do with immigration, border protection or national security.
06:46Peter's view is that, given his party can't deliver on their promised plebiscite
06:50because of the Senate, the next best option...
06:52In my mind, it is a postal plebiscite which allows the public to have their say.
06:57Now, not everyone agrees.
07:00Some not in his party, like George Christensen, who oppose gay marriage, do.
07:04Others who are in the party, who support gay marriage, don't.
07:07As for me, I wonder if Peter is playing to his strengths.
07:10No-one uses the post anymore,
07:12unless it's your grandparents sending your birthday card with some money in it
07:14or to transport some illicit drugs.
07:17Everybody's got a smartphone.
07:19Why doesn't Peter use ASIO to check everyone's messages and browser history
07:22to see how sympathetic we are with gay and lesbian activity?
07:26Or why not just send our votes to peterdirect
07:30at peter.dutton.mp at af.gov.au.
07:36Yay gay if you're in favour of same-sex marriage
07:38and nay gay if you're not.
07:41Well, that should give them some idea of how everyone feels.
07:44And to be honest, an old-fashioned postal vote is not fair
07:48to those who are against gay marriage and feel strongly about their vote.
07:51I don't think they're going to be very comfortable being told
07:53to stick it in the mail.
07:56Of course...
08:00Of course, when Peter's super ministry was announced,
08:04our former PM was in the former Yugoslavia.
08:07A little later on in the show, in fact, er...
08:10now, we cross to the Airbnb Tony stayed at.
08:13Owner Magdalena Kovac and her husband Matteo.
08:16What was it like having Tony Abbott as a guest?
08:19Oh, Sean, the man was an angel, very polite.
08:23Always, hello, how are you, when he came in to borrow the key for the pool.
08:26Always up and down and up and down.
08:29We have no pool.
08:30So I give him key to water tank and he seemed to enjoy it.
08:33He comes down dripping one morning and asks for a towel.
08:37I say, did you enjoy?
08:38He said, I have not been in yet.
08:41Now, you're in his room now, is that right?
08:43Yeah, that's right.
08:44My only complaint about Tony,
08:46that he wallpaper all the walls with pictures of Mr Turnbull
08:50and newspaper reports of Mr Turnbull
08:53and blueprints of Mr Turnbull's houses.
08:55And he carved Mr Turnbull's name repeatedly into tabletop
09:00and Mr Turnbull's picture on the floor
09:04with chalk in between his toes.
09:06He also levered a seat for AT4-spigot anti-tank missile
09:09and disused packaging for Peter Dutton Halloween mask.
09:14Really, I would have thought Peter Dutton was that popular over there.
09:16Oh, it's not Peter Dutton, Sean.
09:19It is Zsa Zsa Binks.
09:21He's close enough.
09:22Oh, you are a fool.
09:23I know what you do with him.
09:25I know what you do with him.
09:26You can't afford good people with him.
09:28You can't afford pressure wage.
09:31But the thing to remember is that Tony's campaign of attrition
09:34is finally yielding results.
09:36Malcolm has adopted some of his ideas,
09:38even Christopher Pyne,
09:39whose submarines Tony twitted for being...
09:41The naval version of putting a four-cylinder engine
09:43into an eight-cylinder car.
09:46Or putting a backbench seat into a Prime Minister's ego.
09:50..have brought about a change
09:52in the normally mild-mannered member for Sturt,
09:54who, putting on his defence industry hat,
09:57which I think looks great on him, by the way,
10:00said last week that Australia has the potential
10:02to become a major arms exporter.
10:05An actual news report has more.
10:06The defence industry minister wants to exponentially
10:09increase Australia's export of ships, vehicles and munitions
10:13to countries around the world.
10:15First Vegemite, then Ugg boots,
10:17and now Aussie-made tanks rolling across the world state.
10:19It doesn't get much better than that,
10:21although Labour's Richard Marles did warn Christopher to...
10:24Make sure that you're not exporting to places
10:27where your material is going to be used in the wrong way.
10:32Vice-Rick, Alvin Boy, Sir Bobo Gargle,
10:34in what circumstances could our material be used in the wrong way?
10:38It happens all the time, Sean.
10:40A tank is inadvertently used as a harmonica.
10:45A ship wrongly deployed as a cheese grater.
10:48A semi-automatic weapon as a candelabra.
10:51Bullets as earplugs.
10:53My advice, always read the instructions.
10:55Oh, the ends come off.
10:57But why are we doing this?
10:59According to Christopher, it's to cement relations
11:02with countries in volatile regions like the Middle East.
11:04But even that's been met with scorn by the media elite.
11:08Wanker.
11:08Failure.
11:09Piss-weak.
11:10Disgusting.
11:11Useless.
11:11Bad boyfriend.
11:14I'm sorry, that's the wrong clip.
11:16That was Paul Murray talking about
11:17when Christopher said he always supported Malcolm Turnbull
11:19over Tony Abbott.
11:20It should have been this news graphic here of Tim Costello
11:23accusing Christopher of profiting from bloodshed.
11:26It's a bit of an over-exaggeration, isn't it, Bobo?
11:28Extremely, Sean.
11:30Why is it that whenever we see an online video
11:33of a security guard using kindness
11:36to convince an unhinged person to hand over a knife,
11:39we cheer.
11:40But when we see a video of that same security guard
11:43disarming the unhinged person
11:45by giving them more and more knives
11:47until they collapse under the knife weight,
11:49they're outraged.
11:50It's double standards.
11:51It's one rule for a thing,
11:53another rule for the opposite of that thing.
11:58Yes, but what if the arms do get misused?
12:01Sean Christopher's been very clear
12:02about what we will not be exporting.
12:05Well, well, he said that we won't be exporting willy-nilly,
12:08and I'm just...
12:09I just don't know what that means
12:11in military defence terms.
12:13It's a military term, Sean,
12:14that I don't want to go into now
12:15with the cameras about,
12:17but suffice it to say
12:18that Christopher is underplaying his commitment
12:21to Australia's role as a warmonger.
12:23In fact, if we are going to do this,
12:25then far from doing it willy-nilly,
12:27Christopher will be going into it willy-fully.
12:29Thank you, Bobo.
12:35One of the things about Pete's new Home Affairs office
12:39that civil libertarians are getting all worried about, though,
12:41is that our spy agencies could be given power
12:44to target classes of Australians
12:45rather than individuals.
12:47Now, historically, this is a troubling area.
12:49Whenever classes of people are being singled out
12:51for extra attention by government,
12:53people always bang on about Germany in the 1930s.
12:55But I don't want to do that.
12:57Let's just say that it's a bit like Austria in the 1930s.
13:02People are happily spinning about on hills singing
13:06when suddenly Rolf,
13:07who, you know, you've known since he was a little boy,
13:09turns up at your house one day in a new uniform
13:12and all of a sudden things are never quite the same again.
13:15Now, here on Mad Ass,
13:20we don't particularly like pointing out the elephant in the room
13:22because, quite frankly, it's a bit obvious.
13:24But these days, with the elephant so big,
13:26or the room too small, depending on your point of view,
13:28to not point it out would be failing you,
13:31the rusted-on ABC viewer,
13:32who will put up with almost anything.
13:35That's right, I'm talking about Islamophobia.
13:38Now, Islamophobia is nothing to be scared of.
13:44As our former Prime Minister once said,
13:46Islamophobia hasn't killed anyone.
13:51And he's right if you ignore the Crusades.
13:54Tony studied boxing at Oxford, not history.
13:57But the reality is that now is not the time
13:59for political correctness, or even correctness.
14:03But which class of Australians should we be keeping an eye on?
14:06And what about the class of people who want to be Australians?
14:09Well, voice of reason, Barnaby Joyce.
14:14There's four words I've never heard in that order.
14:18One said that blaming refugees for terrorism
14:20makes as much sense as blaming the fact that they have...
14:23Testicles.
14:27Now, it's a clever argument, obviously,
14:29but I'm not sure he's right,
14:30because you're born with testicles, aren't you?
14:33They're not something you decide to have
14:35because you believe in them.
14:37The problem is believing in something,
14:39in this case, a God,
14:40in a way that's different
14:41from how someone else believes in a God.
14:43Now, obviously, it's impractical
14:44and a bit Austria in the 1930s
14:47to burn all the books
14:48that propose any belief system
14:49based on a conversation someone has had
14:51with a supernatural entity,
14:52be it in a cave or a desert or on a mountain.
14:55Nor can we stop teaching members of our society
14:57how to read,
14:58though that is happening naturally
15:00in our school system.
15:01What we can do, though,
15:03is teach people that God doesn't exist.
15:06Atheists could be subsidised by the federal government
15:08to go house to house on a nationwide door
15:10and explain to whoever answers
15:13that believing in one deity over another
15:16when there's no proof of either is pointless.
15:19And that you should instead make sense out of your life
15:21by being nice to people.
15:24What do you think?
15:26It's a...
15:27It's actually...
15:28It's a bit like...
15:29It's a bit like the recent initiative
15:30where people came round to instal
15:32free energy-saving light bulbs,
15:34except hopefully people won't assume
15:35it's a scam like global warming.
15:38Sounds like a pretty good idea, huh?
15:40Yes!
15:41Yes!
15:44Still to come later in the week.
15:47Seven and a half thousand fake refugees
15:49taking the doll checks out of the mouths
15:51of decent, hard-working Australians.
15:53$9.99.
15:55That's still too expensive for these bastards.
15:57I know.
15:59This brain isn't from a genuine ref-o.
16:01How can you be sure?
16:02No-one's pro-system yet.
16:04Trust me.
16:06I know.
16:07It's cultural appropriation, Jafar,
16:10and I'm not standing for it lying down.
16:12Well, we better watch it
16:13because last time almost nobody did.
16:16But the eye-view figures.
16:17Eye-view figures.
16:18Suppose you'll be telling me next
16:19that global warming's fucking real.
16:23Terra Nullius has got a lot to answer for.
16:26And when I find him,
16:27I am going to make him or her pay.
16:30It's...
16:31It's unbelievable.
16:33Tia's right.
16:34That special effect is completely unbelievable.
16:36New maritime boat arrivals
16:38on temporary protection visas
16:39have four months
16:40to lodge your asylum application.
16:42If we're not careful, Billy,
16:44this place will be swamped with Muslims
16:46and we'll all be eating halal turkey for Christmas.
16:48This came for you in the mail this morning, sir.
16:50Hopefully my sea monkeys.
16:52Corporal Stone,
16:53a spaceship just landed on Uluru
16:54filled with zombie werewolves
16:56infected with the Zika virus.
16:58Typical.
16:59Damn.
16:59It's just dried apricots
17:00from my cousin Enrico
17:01who has a mole on his leg.
17:03There'll be time for all that later.
17:05In the meanwhile,
17:05you'd better come with me.
17:06All of you both.
17:14Well,
17:15Sky News personality Andrew Bolt
17:17often says
17:18what this nation
17:19doesn't have the guts to.
17:20And I commend him for it.
17:21And full disclosure here,
17:22Andrew and I
17:23both come from Adelaide.
17:25In fact,
17:25we both ran a nail salon
17:26there for a couple of years.
17:28Anyway,
17:29kudos to him
17:30for his smackdown
17:31of those advocating climate change
17:33for climate change's sake
17:34and saying we should reduce
17:35our carbon emissions.
17:36Here he is
17:37throwing to a clip
17:38of Alan Finkel
17:39and then commenting on it.
17:40Here he is
17:41being questioned
17:42in a Senate committee.
17:45Now,
17:45in Australia,
17:46we emit
17:47less than
17:481.3%
17:49of the world's
17:50carbon emissions.
17:51About that.
17:52If
17:52we reduce
17:54the world's
17:54carbon emissions
17:55by 1.3%,
17:57what impact
17:59would that have
18:00on the changing
18:01climate of the world?
18:02Virtually nothing.
18:03All this pain
18:06truly
18:06is
18:07for no gain.
18:08Hear it from
18:09the chief scientist.
18:13Andrew couldn't be more right.
18:14It's ridiculous.
18:16It'd be like
18:17if a truck
18:17had overturned
18:18onto somebody.
18:19I can't lift the truck
18:19by myself.
18:20Why bother helping
18:2110 other men
18:22trying to lift it
18:23off the person
18:23trapped underneath?
18:25In fact,
18:26much in the way
18:27that we're selling
18:28our coal
18:29to other countries,
18:30why not load
18:30the overturned truck
18:31with more of whatever
18:32it was they were carrying.
18:33So it'll be heavier
18:34and crush the person.
18:36It's on
18:36even faster.
18:39Fortunately,
18:39our government
18:40is coming around
18:40to Andrew's
18:41peripheral worldview
18:42with former
18:42Resources Minister
18:43Matt Canavan
18:44very conscious
18:45about the up-and-coming
18:47Queensland election.
18:48Recently tweeting,
18:59instead of trying
19:00to save the planet
19:00in 2050,
19:01Queensland Labor
19:02should concentrate
19:02on saving jobs today.
19:04It's a tough choice.
19:05Save the planet
19:06by 2050
19:07but have high unemployment
19:08or have near full employment
19:09but be unable
19:10to live on the planet.
19:12Do you save
19:12the chicken
19:13or his egg?
19:14And if the chicken's
19:14unemployed
19:15and not paying
19:16any income tax,
19:17how can we afford
19:17to fix his cage?
19:19Even MP Craig Laundie,
19:21seen here
19:22indicating just one
19:23of the skills
19:23he brings to his portfolio
19:24of Assistant Minister
19:25for Industry,
19:26Innovation and Science,
19:27has gone from saying
19:28the government
19:29wasn't considering
19:29funding a new
19:30coal-fired power station
19:31in the north
19:32to now being
19:33technology agnostic.
19:35Meaning,
19:36I guess,
19:36that he believes
19:37that nothing is known
19:38or can be known
19:39about the nature
19:39or existence
19:40of technology.
19:41And for those of you
19:44typically ABC-watching
19:46types out there
19:47that say it's ridiculous
19:47for an Assistant Minister
19:48of Industry,
19:49Innovation and Science
19:50to believe that,
19:51I say,
19:51how typical of you
19:52to disparage
19:52a man's religion.
19:58As we also know,
20:00despite a discussion paper
20:01from the Department
20:02of Infrastructure
20:03about introducing penalties
20:04for selling
20:05high-polluting cars,
20:07Simon Birmingham,
20:08wildly out of his portfolio,
20:09ruled it out.
20:10And the Prime Minister
20:11called on Labor,
20:12who had nothing to do
20:13with the discussion paper,
20:14to also rule it out.
20:16But it was the way
20:17that Josh Frydenberg
20:18expressed the government's
20:19determination
20:20to do nothing
20:20that really got my attention.
20:22There is as much chance
20:24of a carbon tax on cars
20:26as Elvis making a comeback.
20:29And again, here...
20:30To introduce a carbon tax
20:32on a family car,
20:33it's about as likely
20:34as Elvis coming back.
20:36But which is it?
20:37Elvis coming back
20:38or making a comeback?
20:39Because those two
20:40are very different things.
20:41Isn't that right?
20:42Elvis impersonated
20:43from his late period
20:44Garth Trumbull.
20:46Well,
20:47a Sean Elvis
20:48coming back could happen,
20:50yes,
20:50as the Hindus believe,
20:51perhaps as an insect
20:52or maybe a bird.
20:53But then to expect him
20:55to make a comeback
20:56would be very difficult
20:57for him,
20:57particularly, as I say,
20:58if he's come back
20:59as an insect or a bird.
21:00I suppose there is
21:02some novelty value
21:03in seeing suspicious minds
21:05sung by a thrip
21:06or a seagull
21:09performing in the ghetto.
21:11I'll grant you that.
21:12But in the big arenas
21:14and with ticket prices
21:14the way they are,
21:15I think even the most loyal fans
21:17are going to feel
21:17that the King has let them down.
21:19So you'd rule it out?
21:21Yes.
21:21And I'd call on Labor
21:22to do the same.
21:24Well, thank you, Garth.
21:25And I say bravo
21:26to our government
21:27for being brave enough
21:28to stand up
21:29to the warmest
21:29loony left tree-hugger brigade
21:31who are arrogant enough
21:32to think that humanity
21:33somehow has a right
21:34to continued existence.
21:36Things die.
21:37Stars implode.
21:38The ultimate heat death
21:39of the universe
21:39is inevitable,
21:40regardless of whether
21:41I drive to work
21:42on my coal-fired
21:43replica steam engine
21:44or not.
21:45That's entropy.
21:46And trying to curb
21:47our emissions now
21:48makes as much sense
21:49as going back in time
21:50and inserting butt plugs
21:51into a dinosaur.
21:53And even if we're wrong
21:54about global warming,
21:56a watchpot never boils.
21:57So it's best
21:58not to look at it.
21:59Something the government
22:00is doing by holding
22:01onto almost a year's
22:02worth of pollution data
22:03they were supposed
22:04to release in May.
22:05Spokesperson for
22:06Josh Frydenberg's
22:07mutually exclusive
22:08portfolios of energy
22:09and environment,
22:10Vandervalp Fountain.
22:11Why sit on these emissions?
22:13We thought it best
22:14to contain them, Sean.
22:16Yes, they've risen sharply
22:18since the last quarter.
22:19Does your reluctance
22:19to publish reflect
22:20the difficulty
22:21in reconciling
22:22the competing demands
22:23of Josh's ministries?
22:24No, not at all, Sean.
22:25We just thought
22:26that to collate
22:27all the findings
22:28into a booklet
22:28to then distribute
22:29to interested parties
22:31would require
22:32a tremendous amount
22:33of wood product
22:33to create the paper needed.
22:35Wood product,
22:36we thought,
22:36would be best left
22:37in light of the findings
22:39in the form of trees
22:40out there creating oxygen
22:42and helping to combat
22:43the rising CO2 levels
22:45which,
22:46had you been able
22:46to read the findings,
22:47you would have seen
22:48rising at an alarming rate.
22:50So you didn't release
22:52the pollution data
22:53for environmental reasons?
22:54Yes.
22:55You see,
22:55we thought it best
22:56for everybody
22:56to ignore the irony
22:57of not letting everyone
22:58know the emissions
22:59were increasing
23:00and that's not
23:01make an already
23:02bad situation
23:03any worse.
23:05Thanks,
23:05Vandervoort.
23:06To finance now
23:07with the Nine Network's
23:08finance expert,
23:09Ross Greenwood.
23:10Chicken?
23:13Potatoes?
23:16Carrots?
23:17Instant roast?
23:18Thanks,
23:20Ross.
23:20Well,
23:21the federal government's
23:22attempts to eat itself alive
23:23got a setback this week
23:25with news that the country
23:26is in the middle
23:27of a full-time jobs boom.
23:28As Employment Minister
23:29Michaelia Cash whispered,
23:31We also have a record number
23:34of people in full-time employment
23:36and I'm very,
23:37very pleased to advise
23:38that we have now seen
23:40employment in Australia
23:42grow for nine months consecutively.
23:45Nine months growth.
23:46Australia's having an employment
23:47baby.
23:48Not sure who the father is
23:49but it is proof
23:50that we're all screwed
23:51some time ago.
23:53So,
23:54employment is growing
23:55but wages aren't
23:56unless you're an ABC presenter.
23:57Last week,
23:58on radio,
23:59the Prime Minister was asked
24:00when wages were going
24:01to go up.
24:02When do wages go up?
24:03When businesses
24:04are able to,
24:06when businesses
24:06are able to,
24:08when the economy
24:08is growing fast enough
24:09and strongly enough
24:10so that businesses
24:11are able to afford
24:12to pay more for Labor.
24:15Toasty Nozzle
24:15from the Australian Chamber
24:16of Commerce,
24:17Industry and Orchestras,
24:18when will,
24:19as Mr Turnbull says,
24:20businesses be able to,
24:21businesses be able to,
24:23the economy grows strong enough
24:24that businesses
24:25be able to afford
24:26to pay more for Labor?
24:28Oh,
24:28Sean,
24:29just as soon
24:30as they possibly can.
24:32I know that not being able
24:33to pay people more
24:34is churning businesses
24:35up inside.
24:37So,
24:38when businesses
24:38make a bit of money,
24:39they're not going to keep
24:40it for themselves?
24:41Oh,
24:41Sean.
24:43How could they?
24:45Well,
24:46they'll just pay people more
24:47for the same work.
24:49Oh,
24:49of course they will,
24:50baby.
24:52So,
24:53so workers don't need
24:53to worry
24:54or agitate
24:55or mount a claim
24:56or anything?
24:56Aw,
24:57makes me so sad
24:58that you would ever
24:58think that.
25:00So they'll just
25:01hand the money over,
25:01will they?
25:02Yes,
25:03baby.
25:03Well,
25:05that's,
25:06that's so nice.
25:08Yeah.
25:09Yeah.
25:10Yeah.
25:12It's lovely.
25:15It's comforting too,
25:17yeah?
25:21It's quite moving,
25:23really,
25:23isn't it?
25:24Aw.
25:27Aw.
25:31Still to come
25:32later in the week.
25:33You may know
25:37Duncan Sprod
25:38as an award-winning
25:39weatherman,
25:40but did you know
25:41he also sculpts
25:42things in his spare time?
25:44Now he's hoping
25:45to extend his TV profile
25:47by combining
25:48your vague recognition
25:49of him with his hobby.
25:51Okay,
25:51well,
25:51tell me that story
25:52where you got upset
25:53when you were little.
25:54My parents wouldn't let me
25:55wear my shipping away
25:57at the surface.
25:58Duncan,
25:58you don't seem to be
25:59paying attention to me.
25:59Yeah,
26:00no,
26:00I'm listening.
26:01That was amazing
26:02what you just said.
26:03Until all is revealed.
26:05I was a tall girl
26:06and the kids at school,
26:08I went to this exclusive
26:10private school in Switzerland.
26:12Anyway,
26:12they used to call me
26:13Tallie.
26:14And not to my face,
26:16but you know,
26:16I heard,
26:18I had friends.
26:19Anyway,
26:20so,
26:20I decided to track down
26:23who it was,
26:24who was calling me
26:25Tallie,
26:26and it actually turned out
26:28to be just this one girl.
26:30And,
26:31um,
26:32so,
26:35so I gobbed on her bike seat
26:38until she cried.
26:39And then years later,
26:45I found out that it wasn't
26:46actually her.
26:50I felt so sad.
26:53Share in the joy
26:54of some of Australia's
26:55finest celebrities
26:56as they see an image
26:58of themselves reflected
26:59back to them.
27:00Wow,
27:01it's me!
27:02Oh my God,
27:02that's fully sick,
27:03bro.
27:04Fuck,
27:04I'm beautiful.
27:08Can I take a selfie with it?
27:10Duncan's Brod's
27:11Carve for Entertainment
27:12beginning soon
27:13on ABC
27:14and iCarly.
27:16Mmm,
27:17and not coming up
27:18because Utopia's on
27:19in a minute.
27:19Jesus.
27:22Pro-abbit militia
27:23too embarrassed
27:24to be seen with Turnbull.
27:25And Seven Network
27:27uses Wizard
27:28to predict weather.
27:32Well,
27:33a bit of a shout-out
27:34to a couple of ABC
27:34colleagues.
27:35I was told to do this
27:36by marketing,
27:36but I'm really quite
27:37happy to do it.
27:38The Bananas in Pyjamas
27:39turned 25 this week
27:41and although they no longer
27:42qualify to be Young
27:43Australians of the Year,
27:44they can look forward
27:45to discounted car insurance.
27:48So,
27:48congratulations,
27:50boys.
27:51Although,
27:52they're not really boys
27:53though,
27:53are they?
27:53Because Bananas
27:54are seedless
27:55and infertile,
27:57sexless,
27:58evolutionary dead end.
28:00But,
28:00anyway,
28:01good on them.
28:01In fact,
28:02to celebrate their birthday,
28:03I don't know
28:03if you've heard of this,
28:04the Royal Australian Mint
28:05has issued
28:06a commemorative coin
28:07to celebrate
28:0825 years
28:10of ABC TV's
28:11Bananas in Pyjamas.
28:12And that's actually
28:13interesting,
28:14isn't it?
28:14The government
28:14can't stand
28:15putting our money
28:16into ABC television,
28:17yet they have no problem
28:18putting ABC television
28:19onto our money.
28:21But,
28:21anyway,
28:23yeah,
28:23well done.
28:24Happy to applaud with you.
28:26Although,
28:26I don't want to nitpick,
28:28but am I the only one
28:29who finds the image
28:30of three small bears
28:31being chased
28:32by large bananas
28:32disturbing?
28:33Because,
28:33according to my
28:35dream dictionary,
28:37being pursued
28:38by bananas
28:39means sex.
28:43Anyway,
28:44the reason for this
28:45commemoration
28:45is that whatever
28:46the hell's been happening
28:47has been going on
28:48for 25 years now.
28:49Now,
28:49I think that's a bit
28:50tenuous,
28:50isn't it?
28:51A bit tenuous?
28:52Unemployment's been
28:53over 4% for 25 years,
28:54but do we want
28:55our coins struck
28:56with images
28:56of Centrelink staff
28:57pursuing the unemployed
28:58for overpayments?
29:00And,
29:01if these bananas
29:02have been around
29:02for 25 years,
29:03why aren't they black?
29:07We should be
29:08embracing diversity.
29:09This is political
29:10correctness gone missing.
29:14Anyway,
29:15they're not real bananas,
29:16they're just men in suits
29:16earning a living,
29:17aren't you guys?
29:19We have,
29:19congratulations to
29:20Tim and Lamar,
29:21I hope I'm pronouncing
29:22that correctly.
29:23Actually,
29:23it's Hank and Freddie
29:24doesn't matter.
29:26It doesn't matter.
29:27And they have been playing,
29:28you've been playing
29:29B1 and B2
29:30or either or,
29:31whichever one,
29:32for 25 years now.
29:33And I hope that's
29:34carrot cake.
29:35No,
29:35it's banana cake.
29:37I was hoping it would be
29:38carrot cake
29:38because I'm allergic
29:39to bananas.
29:41I broke out in hives.
29:45So,
29:45go away and cook it again.
29:49Fucking idiots.
29:51John.
29:51John.
29:56Its