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00:00I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
00:30Knock it down, why don't you?
00:50Another little nudging about it off the hinges.
00:52I thought to myself, hello, I've been jackknifed into
00:55by some huge articulated vehicle.
00:57Imagine my surprise when I opened up
00:59and found it was just some undersized, scruffy little twit.
01:03I thought I'd be open.
01:05Well, that's a natural assumption
01:06if you ignore the drawn blinds
01:08and a 40-foot sign that says closed.
01:16Tea or coffee?
01:17Had you got a wider choice than that?
01:20I'm getting fed up with tea and coffee all the time.
01:22What do you want, then?
01:23I don't know, you're the expert.
01:26Tempt me.
01:26How about a still lemonade?
01:29No, I don't want that rubbish.
01:31No, that's right.
01:32Think about it objectively.
01:34How about a fizzy lemonade?
01:35Oh, it gives me the wind.
01:37I need something to give me a lift.
01:41I don't suppose you'd care to press off
01:42and try a passing lorry, would you?
01:43I think I'll have, er...
01:48Coco.
01:51What's up?
01:52All the rates have been cancelled.
01:54I don't bet all that much on the GGs.
01:57Over the year, it averages out.
02:00I lose a few bob and...
02:02then I go back and I lose a few more.
02:04LAUGHTER
02:05Well, you've got to have a system.
02:11Yes, times like this when I'm getting low on fags,
02:14I miss old Cyril Blameyer.
02:23Have you heard from him?
02:24Not a postcard.
02:26Listen, it'd be more appropriate
02:27if he sent me a cigarette card.
02:29Ah, it was just a game.
02:31I used to catch his fancy,
02:32used to make a fuss,
02:33but he couldn't really mind.
02:35He knew he could hold us up on a mind.
02:37Very true.
02:38Provided he had a pin to hold it with.
02:40LAUGHTER
02:40Did he get married this woman?
02:43I wouldn't be surprised.
02:44He were off like a shot
02:45when he heard that she'd become a widow.
02:47I never thought of her the day
02:49when you'd admit to missing Cyril Blameyer.
02:51Ah, it's so quiet.
02:53There's no-one to shout at me anymore.
02:55It's been weeks since I've had a right rollicking.
02:57LAUGHTER
02:57We used to argue every day.
03:02You miss things like that.
03:03Have you ever thought of getting married?
03:04That's not funny.
03:05Oh, now he tells me.
03:07Did anyone utter so much as a whisper
03:09when I went to the altar,
03:10when there was still time?
03:11Drink your cocoa.
03:12LAUGHTER
03:13Very delicate, he'd have loved that.
03:24LAUGHTER
03:25It seems to me there's a great deal of enjoyment
03:28gone out of life.
03:30I bet that bird of his doesn't slurp a cocoa like you do.
03:33Well, it serves him right, then, don't it?
03:36Morning, Norm.
03:37Ah.
03:42Here.
03:45Here.
03:46You see?
03:48It's not the washing.
03:49It's getting them back in their creases.
03:52LAUGHTER
03:52A pair of trousers washed by the home handyman
03:58is something I could easily give up for Lent.
04:02LAUGHTER
04:02Well, why is it if there's such a shortage of oil
04:05it keeps appearing on my trouser bottom?
04:07LAUGHTER
04:08Have you got any petrol?
04:10Oh, God, is he off tea and coffee and all?
04:13LAUGHTER
04:13I bet it leaves a ring.
04:22Here's a cloth.
04:26Oh, tar.
04:26Ahem.
04:31There.
04:32Vernon Islop broke his pelvis.
04:36There's some rope back.
04:37OK.
04:41I said Vernon Islop went and broke his...
04:44Hey, up, Vernon, you'll have to do better than that
04:47if you want to make an impression round here.
04:49LAUGHTER
04:50Did you see him?
04:51No.
04:52I had an eyewitness account in the bookies
04:54from a bloke called Trigger.
04:56That's not a bloke.
04:57That's Roy Rogers' horse.
05:00No wonder you can't pick winners
05:01if you can't tell the difference.
05:03Trigger were there when Vernon slipped and fell.
05:05Oh, that doesn't prove anything,
05:06but if he is Roy Rogers' horse,
05:08you can tell in a minute
05:09if you try him with a lump of sugar.
05:13Can he undo knots with his teeth?
05:14LAUGHTER
05:14Ah, sure talk.
05:17Ha!
05:18He's got it on him this morning, dead moody.
05:20Ah, well, he's not getting enough exercise
05:22now that Cyril's left.
05:23You know what Cyril was like.
05:24Restless, energetic crackers.
05:28What have we got to do something exciting?
05:31He's a sensation, mad.
05:33Poor old Mervyn, this lot.
05:34Breaks his pelvis and he's bored again within five minutes.
05:37Well, I'll tell you what we're going to do for starters.
05:39We're going to meet the 11 o'clock bus.
05:41Is that from Cyril?
05:41He wrote it.
05:42Yeah, came this morning.
05:43Is he going to be on the bus?
05:44No, he's not going to be on the bus.
05:46Then what the hell are we going to meet it for?
05:47Why don't you shut your flat and let him tell you?
05:50Osmer Street, Saturday.
05:52Dear all, weather remains mixed.
05:54Wind variable.
05:57By the way, if you should see my former landlady, please inquire if the blue socks are back yet from the laundry.
06:03I have acquired decent accommodation in one of the better residential areas.
06:09Several persons of good standing are eager to propose me for membership of the Conservative Club.
06:14Yeah, the poor, demented capitalist.
06:17The social circle is grateful for new blood now that the barracks are closing.
06:23It's very sad to see this once proud military establishment guarded now by a person with dandruff and an apparently Welsh-speaking Alsatian from Securicore.
06:34Certainly, the brute's comprehension of English is very inferior.
06:39And so is his dogs.
06:43Because when I attempted to visit the barracks on a nostalgic pilgrimage, the damn thing wouldn't let go.
06:50The security fellow is just as unpleasant, but at least he hasn't got any elbow in his mouth.
06:56However, the bruises have almost gone now, thanks to the sympathetic and skilful ministrations of a certain lady.
07:05Oh, the poor dozy pillock.
07:09Can't you see him?
07:11Hey, can't you see him there in the dark and naffy?
07:14Hey, all blushing as she strokes his elbow.
07:18Oh, no wonder the Tories don't breed as fast as labour.
07:24They wouldn't breed so fast, would they, if they thought it was hard work?
07:28Wait, listen, that's the wise.
07:29Five of the beggars were only one was needed before.
07:32And since the Sex Discrimination Act, all five could turn out to be women.
07:38Do you ever get the feeling that living in the second half of the 20th century is a bit like being detained on Her Majesty's pleasure?
07:48Read the letter.
07:50Oh, hi.
07:50Well, now we're getting to the gritty nitty because Cyril says,
07:54You'll be interested to hear that among the last few people to be employed at the barracks was old Foggy Dewhurst.
08:02It says here, you remember Foggy Dewhurst?
08:06I do.
08:07He was always sick every playtime at school.
08:11He was in the specials before he went into the army.
08:14Great, long, gormley streak from Arnold Crescent.
08:19His mother wore brown boots.
08:22He was always on traffic duty.
08:24Blue uniform, white face.
08:27Looked like a pencil with a rubber on the end.
08:31I thought he was dead.
08:33I had this feeling that he'd either died or something unspeakable had happened to him.
08:37But I never imagined anything as morbid as this.
08:40What's that?
08:41Well, he's been in Wales all this time.
08:46Cyril says,
08:47Foggy has been employed at the barracks here in a civilian capacity since he retired from the army.
08:54We were stationed here together for several months in 1947.
08:57As you can imagine, he was delighted to see me, and we held a small but thoroughly depressing reunion.
09:05So many of the old faces are gone.
09:08And it gave us no comfort to recognise that, thanks to this Labour government, when the Russians finally come,
09:15practically all we shall have left to throw at them is one Welsh-speaking Alsatian.
09:19On top of which, he's a reedy tenor who bursts into song at the slightest provocation.
09:26Oh, no, that's the guard.
09:30Oh, I thought he meant that, too.
09:33Old Foggy's returning home to an empty house in Arnold Crescent with all his relatives passed on or moved away.
09:40It would be a friendly gesture if you could meet him and show him that comradeship which will help him over this difficult transitional period.
09:50It is with confidence that I commend to your care old Foggy Dewhurst,
09:55one of the finest corporal signwriters with whom it's ever been my privilege to serve,
10:01a master of the Gothic script
10:03and a keen leader of men.
10:21Has there ever heard Yehudi Meduid?
10:24No.
10:26No, neither have I.
10:30You know what I always feel sorry about.
10:33Go on.
10:35But I didn't buy them encyclopedias.
10:38That bloke said if I'd have really dipped into them, I could have been up to degree standard.
10:42Who was he then? Minister of Education?
10:46He said he grew lupins.
10:48Oh, well, he must have had some shreds of self-respect then, if he grew lupins.
10:53Take care, monsieur.
10:54I am the most fierce sergeant in France.
10:58Well, what you're showing, I'm not surprised.
11:00LAUGHTER
11:01Is that a new vest?
11:05Ah, you're the one who'll pass the day.
11:07LAUGHTER
11:08Don't keep that through the right way up, will you?
11:12Don't keep that through the right way up, will you?
11:21Oh, okay.
11:24Similide.
11:25Cool.
11:26Now, take that through the right way up, will you?
11:37Come on, dear.
11:37Now, keep your eye on that.
11:52It's a lifetime collection of hand-fated army office door signs, narrow format.
11:55Keep me that through the right way up, will you?
11:57No, you, you men.
11:58No, no, will you?
11:59Keep that through the right way up.
12:01It should have travelled up platforms at this year, no one.
12:03It sneaked it on back at Terminus, didn't you, while we were snatching a quick cup.
12:07I didn't sneak it.
12:08I marched it on in good order and military discipline.
12:10Aye, then you jammed it like a corky backseat.
12:12Jam?
12:13No, that's a preposterous suggestion, that anyone with my instinctive delicacy of touch
12:17could do anything so clumsy as jam.
12:19Then how come it's taken three of us to throw the blasted thing off?
12:22I just chucked it in neatly, that's all.
12:25Now, I'll warn you not to throw that thing.
12:30Here.
12:32Take that man's number.
12:35What?
12:37I must check the confidence of these bags to make sure that that fool hasn't broken
12:43anything, is he?
12:44Yes.
12:45Now, could we, er...
12:46Yes, could we go in there, do you think?
12:52Welcome home, Foggy.
12:58Here, Swallow, if we can just put everything down in here.
13:01Carefully put it down.
13:03Carefully, won't you?
13:04I'll, er...
13:05I'll give you a hand on this, but I want to see you make sure that fella hasn't broken
13:08these things.
13:09He threw it down unnecessarily hard, I thought.
13:11What?
13:12Oh, no, those, those, those are all right, aren't they?
13:15Oh, yes.
13:16Yes, oh, I think everything's all...
13:18Oh, would you like to have a look?
13:20Would you handle them very carefully, won't you?
13:22Now, I usually...
13:24I usually keep a slip of paper about me for the purposes of note-taking.
13:28You...
13:29Oh, no, no, that's, er, that's my equipment list now.
13:32Let's see what's in...
13:33Oh, no, that's a suggested daily schedule.
13:36What...
13:37What a performance!
13:38Here, let's have a look at this.
13:40Oh, have you finished them?
13:41Did you enjoy those?
13:43No, no.
13:44Well, now, look.
13:45Right, what was I to do, you see?
13:46Now, what I'm going to do is to, er, is to make a note of it on here and then transfer
13:50it later to its proper piece of paper.
13:52Now, I don't mind disorder, but we have to remember that flexibility is the fourth dimension
13:57of good planning.
13:58And the...
13:59The main thing is to make a decision and push on with it.
14:02Now, you see, for the...
14:03For the purposes of note-taking, I usually carry a...
14:05A free-flow, slimline, ballpoint pen.
14:08Er...
14:09Pen.
14:10What's he doing now?
14:11He's doing all right.
14:12You get depressed sometimes and begin to believe that there aren't any real old-fashioned
14:28idiots left.
14:29And then, out of the blue, comes a genuine 14-carat, gilt-edged, barn-bot like this.
14:38He looks a bit weird to me sitting there with his mouth open.
14:42You know, silent like.
14:44Oh.
14:45I've got it.
14:46I don't need it.
14:47Well, it amazes you, that, doesn't it?
15:02Now, it's just a little trick, you see, that I've perfected for bringing all the mental powers
15:07to bear on the subject in hand.
15:09I call it my little planning sessions.
15:11I thought you were having a stroke.
15:13Oh, no, no, no.
15:14Oh, see, I had to remember what I'd do with my little ballpoint, so I had one of my little
15:18planning sessions.
15:19You see, played over certain actions in the kaleidoscope of the mind, and bingo!
15:23Within a matter of seconds, I know exactly what I've done with it.
15:26What have you done with it?
15:27I've left it on the bus.
15:29Did you notice I paused for a second back there on the hill?
15:43Run a map reader's eye over the ground?
15:46Just for an instant, but long enough for the trained topographer to recognise the place
15:50hasn't changed much.
15:51Oh, I don't know.
15:52There's a kind of sparkle through these beams of perspiration.
15:57How much luggage has it got, Foggy?
15:59Yes, now, what I suggest is we take this lot round to Arnold Crescent and have a breather,
16:05then go and collect the heavy trunk from the parcels office.
16:09There you are.
16:10I think we'd better give him a few lessons about my bad back.
16:15Are you sure you've actually left the army and not brought it with you?
16:21Foggy?
16:24Foggy?
16:36Are you there, Foggy?
16:37Foggy?
16:39It began with a B142.
16:41What day?
16:42That man's number.
16:44But are you sure?
16:46Not completely, no.
16:49Ooh.
16:50Goodbye.
16:51What are we cutting these outfits all about for?
16:56They happen to be the nucleus of a unique collection of hand-painted army office door signs.
17:02Oh, you don't say.
17:03But are they worth anything?
17:05Not individually, no.
17:08I see.
17:09And I suppose the doors are in the trunk, are they?
17:11Isn't that right, Foggy?
17:14That man's got a hole in his trousers.
17:16Oh, yeah.
17:17It's just his little way of showing his individuality.
17:2039, please, gents.
17:21No.
17:22No, no, no, no, no.
17:23Don't you pay.
17:24I'll pay for the refreshments.
17:25Or you will be good enough to assist me in transit with the baggage, personal lightweight.
17:40What's he all about?
17:41Lightweight.
17:42Oh, don't forget, we haven't seen the trunk.
17:44Yep.
17:45Is your, er, friend doing anything productive, do you think?
17:49Or is he just having a good scratch?
17:52Here we are.
17:53No, no, no, no, no.
17:55No, nobody buys the first round except Corporal Dewhurst.
17:59Fancy.
18:00And to think when he started looking, he was only a private.
18:15That's a real commando's purse, is that?
18:18Napoleon started as a corporal.
18:20And he's ended up as a Josephine.
18:23To Operation Swordblade.
18:27What the hell's Operation Swordblade?
18:31No, don't, er, don't ask me to say any more at the moment.
18:35No, it's just a little, little enterprise I was proud to be associated with when I was on the active list.
18:41Oh, it's enough for you to know that at this moment under alien skies,
18:47a little handful of brave men is still to be found who have made liberty their watchword.
18:52Well, shall we, er, have a sit down?
18:58Lorbeck, what's he on about?
19:00You know, the Western world, in the balance, fate of.
19:04Ah! Isn't he lovely?
19:06Now, it is my intention to transform the current Arnold Crescent into a small but efficient packed post of all the military virtues.
19:16And if all the currents that move in Arnold Crescent are obstinately civilian?
19:21Yes, well, now, standing orders. Revali, 0600 hours.
19:26Oh, that's early.
19:270630 to 0700 hours physical training.
19:30Oh, yeah, and it's a bit like lovemaking, you know. It's a vice if you practise it alone.
19:36Spend time in your garden.
19:38Not what I've been trained for.
19:40Well, paint it white if you have to.
19:42No, don't paint all of it white. We just pick out a few of the stones at the edges of the paths and borders.
19:47You've come walking with us.
19:48Ah!
19:49Now, I've reserved Tuesdays and Thursdays for route marches and other map reading schemes.
19:54We just pop up the hill and have a fag.
19:58You don't still smoke filthy cigarettes.
20:01Oh, you must have lungs like tangled bootlaces.
20:05Well, I intend to resist this sloppy process of civilian decay.
20:09I have a will like I am.
20:11Yeah, well, you'll find that stiff cardboard is more than adequate for today's standards.
20:16Ah, I'm a fairly tolerant sort of bloke.
20:18If that's going to be a non-smoker, I suppose I can get used to it.
20:21Yeah, I hope you're not going to be one of them chain non-smokers, Foggy,
20:25that can't finish not having one before you start not having another.
20:29Ah!
20:30I could take non-smokers in moderation,
20:32but what whittles me is how much longer he's going to be walking about
20:36dressed up like the regimental mascot.
20:46Oh!
20:47Oh, don't you provoke me like that.
20:51No, I'm all right, I'm all right now.
20:53I'm all right now.
20:54See, just that I get these murderous tempers, you see.
20:58No, no, no, no, no.
21:01Oh, you really shouldn't say anything to me that you couldn't safely say to John Wayne.
21:09Well, it's not like John Wayne.
21:12Well, with the same height.
21:14People are always remarking on it.
21:16Yeah, you've never seen him in a hat like that, though.
21:19Oh, look at your advice about dress.
21:21Even for a civilian, you're a mess.
21:24Oh, I can see it's going to be a damn difficult keeping up one's standards.
21:27Hey, I'm a casual dresser.
21:28Tell him, Norm, tell him that I am a casual dresser.
21:31I think he's noticed.
21:36Hey-ho, he's off again.
21:37Early closing.
21:39Listen, I realise he's a non-smoker,
21:41but you've got to admit he's very entertaining in lots of other ways.
21:45Oh, incidentally, if either of you two should ever get any parcels,
21:54I hope you'll save me the string.
21:58Stop, you see.
21:59Did you notice there that I sort of went inactive just for a moment?
22:04You know, you couldn't see a figure, could you?
22:05No, no, you look just like a silent movie queer.
22:08Wait.
22:11How to start?
22:12I've told you not to provoke me.
22:17Don't you see how a trained man is in control of his temper?
22:21And I am at the height of my mental and physical fitness.
22:24I have a body like Whipcorn.
22:28And I have control.
22:30Thanks to this ancient trick I picked up in the East.
22:33Like Mrs Lal Bhattacharya.
22:36Like I am self-controlled.
22:38Yeah, you're great, Nelly.
22:40You can't even control that piece of string around your neck.
22:45These are my regimental colours.
22:48I will fight any man here who insults these colours.
22:50No, no, no, no.
22:52This is no place to be issuing challenges.
22:55This is something of a sporting pub.
22:57I don't like those colours.
23:10That's my little cousin, Big Malcolm.
23:13Ah, how's your mum, Big Malcolm?
23:16Nicely, thank you, Cleggie.
23:18He just got home today, Big Malcolm.
23:21He's back from Wales.
23:22Fancy.
23:24And up to now, it's been his lucky day.
23:27Yes, well, I think what we've got here, Big Malcolm, essentially,
23:30is a situation that's still open to peaceful settlement.
23:34Yeah?
23:36I can't do it, Cleggie.
23:38I've got to live in this pub.
23:40If there'd have been nobody in who could have had a drink and a laugh.
23:43But they've all heard.
23:44I feel that I should warn you that I'm no stranger to the deadly arts of unarmed combat.
23:51Now, now, listen, little Big Malcolm, listen to me.
23:54Look, can't I let him off?
23:56Look at him, I mean, on account of the fact that he's crackers.
24:05Of course, I've sworn never to use these deadly arts for my own personal advantage.
24:09I'd appreciate the loan of this bitter rag down your neck,
24:14on account of someone steady twit spilling beer on our domino table.
24:25Yes, well, I mean, you see the dilemma I'm in, don't you?
24:28Oh, very clearly.
24:29I mean, if he provokes me sufficiently to arouse battle frenzy, I could hurt him.
24:32A man of discretion at this stage, Foggy, would almost certainly retire via the concert-run door.
24:47Yes, well, it's a matter of honour.
24:51Yes, well, I'll give you one last chance to apologise for the rude remarks you've made if I'm up.
25:11Oh, you've got to get up, Malcolm.
25:15Oh, you make such a mess, Mac.
25:18Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
25:21I have no idea how glad I am I didn't hurt you.
25:25Oh, oh.
25:33Is you all right, Greggy?
25:35Oh, nicely, thank you, big Malcolm.
25:37How long you had in?
25:38Just today.
25:40Well, if you can keep him alive, you might get some mileage out of him.
25:45I can't understand why anyone with a death wish needs so much baggage.
26:02Will I stop pulling that drunk and try pushing this one?
26:08Oh.
26:12Well, to be brutally honest, I'm not too enchanted about getting my head down so close to your scandalous civilian iron quarters.
26:19Hey, close your eyes!
26:22Oh, I'm almost equally at home in the dark. I've got senses like a cut.
26:25Oh, weck! He's off again!
26:29Oh, well, very low sleep threshold, too.
26:33You know, the first snap of a twig and I'm there balance for the balls of my feet.
26:38I think I may never drink again without toasting Operation Swordblade.
26:42I wish that stopped encouraging him!
26:44I wish that stopped encouraging him!
26:52Wait a moment.
26:54Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!
26:57That's it!
26:59Come here! Stop!
27:01I order you to stop!
27:02Stop!
27:24Like a cat, he says. He's more like a chippo's arse.
27:27I didn't tell you to release the thing, did I?
27:51I didn't tell you to release the thing, did I?
27:56I said stop me, nor let go of the dumps, Ollie.
27:59Yes, we were ranting on our own initiative.
28:02You must remember that flexibility is the fourth dimension of good planning.
28:07Cut me loose, Ollie. Cut me loose. There's a knife in this pocket.
28:14Which pocket? Try the other pocket.
28:17Quick! Here we go again.
28:23Mind your job.
28:31Hey, just a thicky solace, will you? Or is it just today?
28:35I think the signs are very promising.
28:38I think the chances are that he's potty on a full-time basis.
28:43I hope that trunk's all right, you know.
28:46I've got a very valuable optical gun sight in there.
28:53It only wants a bit of machining and a round glass or two.
28:56Ha, ha, ha!
28:58Ha!
28:59Ha!
29:00Ha!
29:01Ha!
29:02Ha!
29:03Ha!
29:05¶¶
29:35¶¶