00:53When you wake up in the morning, what's the person that you see?
00:57It's your morning wood.
01:01Morning wood.
01:03Whoa, hello, morning wood.
01:10Billy, were you playing with your morning wood?
01:14No.
01:14No need to be embarrassed, honey.
01:16Your dad has morning wood, too.
01:18Look around your neighborhood.
01:21Everybody has morning wood.
01:24Hello, I'm Bruce Campbell.
01:26And I can't start my day without waxing my morning wood.
01:30Morning wood.
01:31From the makers of Slow Dance Chubby.
01:34If Bill Gates offered you a billion dollars to be his ass slave for you, would you do it?
01:41No way.
01:43Never.
01:44Ass slave?
01:45Are you kidding me?
01:46Okay, Mike, how much would it take for someone to run over your nuts?
01:55Uh, two million dollars.
01:57Done.
02:00Now, I'm gonna get the money, promise?
02:02Of course, dude.
02:03You rule.
02:04I can do a nut transplant, but it'll cost exactly two million dollars.
02:23Oh, man.
02:24Plus tax.
02:25Oh, man.
02:27Welcome home, dude.
02:29You're a legend to us, hombre, but everyone else thinks you're nuts.
02:34Nuts?
02:35Get it?
02:35It took me a month to come up with that.
02:39Oh, my God!
03:03Damn it, doctor!
03:04What did you do to me?
03:06I'm sorry, Mike.
03:07All we had to transplant were the nuts of a serial killer.
03:11No!
03:14Idle Nuts, starring Jessica Alba.
03:18You know, I'd want to attack you with my nuts, even if they weren't possessed.
03:22Uh, thanks?
03:24Ah!
03:25Idle Nuts, also starring Seth Green.
03:29Ooh, I'm a pot-smoking corpse bottle in my head.
03:32Boo!
03:34Gotta stop the madness.
03:36Ah!
03:38Ah!
03:39Ah!
03:44Ah!
03:45Ah!
03:48Hi.
03:49I'm Bill Gates.
03:50I heard you take insane bets and wondered if you'd be my ass slave for a billion dollars.
03:56I'll get my coat.
03:57They said it could never happen, but they were wrong.
04:07Attack of the giant midget shiver with fear as the abomination runs amok.
04:15Tremble with terror when the creature cannot be stopped.
04:27Witness the beast devouring everything in his path.
04:43Witness the beast devouring everything in his path.
04:47Nothing is beyond his reach.
04:52Nothing is beyond his reach.
04:56Not even you.
04:59Think you can run?
05:00Think you can hide?
05:02Think again.
05:04Attack of the giant midget.
05:11Ow!
05:11Yes!
05:12A mermaid!
05:13This hook hurts.
05:14Now give me my three wishes.
05:16The hell are you talking about?
05:18There's a hook in my face!
05:21You mean mermaids don't grant wishes?
05:24That's genies, you ass!
05:27Oh, man.
05:29I've wasted the last 20 years of my life!
05:37However, I happen to be a genie who only looks like a mermaid.
05:44What a twist!
05:48This is a
06:05wrapped up was by a
06:17Oh, my knee!
06:47I'm so bored, Falkor. Is anything going on tonight?
06:57Oh, nothing, Atreyu. Nothing.
07:02What's Bastion up to?
07:03And then the boy took a big crap. Hey, I'm taking a big crap.
07:09Wow!
07:11Everyone in Fantasia is doing nothing. It's like we've been hit by a nothing storm.
07:17I think it's time for a never-ending party!
07:31Friday night, boring as can be
07:40Buy some booze
07:44Every cheap party
07:52Girls look like big, strong hands.
07:56Don't they?
07:58Can you open this for me?
07:59Ah!
08:00Spray it all over me!
08:03We are so wasted.
08:14Say my name, Bastion!
08:17Say my name!
08:19Magic Visionance!
08:28This party is ending right now!
08:32Westside!
08:36Never-ending party!
08:42Ah!
08:44Good evening, Omaha! And, Omaha, how are ya? It's flu season. Ross Hathaway has the story.
08:56Flu season means trips to the pharmacy, missed work, and kids coming home with crusty shirt sleeves.
09:02But surprisingly, giant robots are the hardest hit.
09:06The mighty Morphin Power Rangers offer great health insurance, but even a ranger can get the flu and call in sick.
09:12Ah, being a Zord down really leaves the rangers in a bad way.
09:19Also affected was Voltron.
09:22And the menacing Devastator.
09:25We now take you to our eye in the sky for today's live car chase.
09:34Officers are in pursuit of a white sports car, which failed to yield for a routine traffic stop.
09:41Good lord! The sports car now appears to be on fire!
09:45No? It's a smoke screen!
09:48Whoa! I've never seen anything like this!
09:51More later as the story develops.
09:53Now, shocking amateur news footage acquired by this program so that we may shock you with it.
09:59Give me that!
10:00No! Help! Police!
10:02Police!
10:03There's no need to fear! A underdog is here!
10:07Holy fucking shitbox!
10:09Sweet fucking shitburger!
10:10You're a talking dog!
10:12A-a talking dog? Really?
10:14Great ass fucking Moses!
10:16Can you speak? Can you say something, doggy?
10:20Uh...kay...
10:23There's no need-
10:25A clock! It's really clock!
10:28Coffee! A fucking talking dog!
10:32Damn!
10:33That's a fucking fucking dog! It flies!
10:35And it flies!
10:37And now the weather with Chief Meteorologist Paris Hilton.
10:41It's hot!
10:42My ear is saying something to me.
10:44There's new developments in that freeway police chase.
10:47The sports car is now tailgating a semi-truck.
10:50Holy!
10:51He's apparently got himself an accomplice, but...
10:55Wait a minute!
10:56There he is!
10:57He's back on the road!
11:02Oh my God!
11:03He just destroyed that helicopter with some sort of ground-to-air missile!
11:09Apparently that was the traffic helicopter from our associates at Channel 5.
11:14Our hearts go out to their entire news team.
11:18Once lovable, the shirt tails are causing controversy at the local zoo with their new t-shirts.
11:24Look, man, you can't reach the kids these days with crap t-shirt slogans like, hug me!
11:30Yeah!
11:31If it grows in the ground, it was meant for me!
11:34That's right, sweetheart.
11:36What can I do?
11:38Every time I chase them, the shirt tails take off in that fucking flying car of theirs!
11:43Son of a bitch!
11:45I'm just getting word that police are closing in on the killer sports car!
11:49Why don't motorists realize they just can't outrun the police?
11:55Unless they have a speedboat like the one he's taking off in right now!
12:00Ladies and gentlemen, we're getting word of panic throughout the city.
12:04We turn to our internet expert for more!
12:07A new worm is deleting not only the porn on people's hard drives, but all the porn on the internet entirely!
12:14We're now seeing live footage from downtown Boston, where social order has completely broken down!
12:21I-I was only halfway done!
12:25Halfway done!
12:27We now take you to the White House, where a press conference is underway!
12:31My fellow Americans, I give you my word that the United States of America will find, capture, and punish those responsible for this great national tragedy!
12:41And if the perpetrators are listening, I have only this to say!
