- 2 days ago
Family-Guy-Season 5 Ep01-Stewie-Loves-Lois-Uncensored.
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00We interrupt this program with a special report.
00:03Quahog is seeing its worst flu epidemic in years,
00:06due in part to a severe shortage of flu shots.
00:08Let's go live to Asian flu correspondent Trisha Takenawa.
00:11Trisha?
00:12Diane, I'm...
00:15Thank you, Trisha. We now return you to Robin Boy Wonder.
00:21Oh, my God!
00:22Hey, don't worry. I'm here.
00:24Robin? They sent you?
00:26Yeah. Everyone else was busy, so they sent me.
00:29What the hell are you gonna do? You don't have any superpowers.
00:32Uh, I got a cell phone.
00:36Oh, no bars.
00:44All right, who's next for a flu shot?
00:46Oh, that's me. I'm Peter Griffin.
00:48Mr. Griffin, these flu shots are in short supply.
00:50We need to save them for the elderly, like these folks here.
00:53Oh, okay. Well, I guess I'll be heading out then and...
00:56Whoa!
00:58Oh, look at that.
01:00Oh, well, since it's already in there, you might as well, uh, push down on the old plunger there.
01:04You're a monster.
01:05You know what was a monster? Frampton Comes Alive, 1976.
01:09Is there anyone you knew who didn't have that record? I don't think so.
01:12Bam!
01:13All right, have a good winter.
01:14Ah, very well, Mr. Griffin, you got your flu shot.
01:17Now, if you'll just sign here...
01:19Oh, well, this is odd.
01:20What?
01:21Well, you're 42 years old, and it says here you've never had a prostate exam.
01:24No, but I've had other exams, like that one in college.
01:28Dammit, this is too hard!
01:30Here's what I think of your test, Mr. Teacher!
01:33You just stood up to me. Congratulations. That was the test.
01:39Huh?
01:47Yeah!
01:49Okay, heart sounds good.
01:51All right, Mr. Griffin, I'm just gonna need you to drop your pants, and we'll check your prostate.
01:55Uh, what?
01:56Drop your pants, turn around, and lean forward.
01:58Um, okay.
02:00Okay.
02:03So, how's this work? You just feel my pulse, so...
02:05Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
02:11What the hell was that?!
02:13Mr. Griffin, that's a prostate exam.
02:15Shut up! You had your finger in my ass!
02:17That's how a prostate exam is performed.
02:19Now, if you'll just let me...
02:20Get away from me!
02:30Uh, get a tan.
02:37Peter, my God, you look terrible! What happened?
02:43I was raped.
02:48What?
02:50Dr. Hartman violated me. He took my innocence.
02:56innocence what peter that's a prostate exam it's an important part of a
03:05physical for men your age you sound just like him fucking idiot
03:16hey Peter buddy how about some TV huh we now return to Freddy got fingered oh
03:23oh god oh god yellow pages let your fingers do the walking
03:29are we still going to the baseball game get that away from me Chris
03:36stop it Meg
03:41Peter I'm trying to be supportive but after all it was just a prostate exam
03:52you weren't there Lois you weren't there
03:56who's that who are you where's peter where is he you're a whore where your whore make up your whore
04:08is somebody in there occupado filthy whore you're somebody's father you filthy whore
04:14hi sweetie look at her staring what are you looking at huh god I should take her out right
04:22here with these man oh hey Lois oh you like staring oh why don't I give you a closer look
04:26yeah yeah you want some of this Maury Poe bitch
04:30oh what's that oh you come back for more
04:33huh I'd freaking drop her ass
04:36oh an unfamiliar dog why don't you go away I don't want to be your friend
04:45oh
04:45oh
04:46oh dear god somebody help
04:48Rupert
04:51give me that bear
04:54oh honey I'm afraid Rupert had a little injury
05:00oh Rupert please live please I'll never be short with you again
05:05we'll go away we'll go to Hawaii would you like that
05:08I always envisioned how it would be
05:11I never knew there could be such a thing as a perfect day
05:21don't frolic too much Rupert save some energy for the hula contest
05:25Stewie I have a surprise for you good as new
05:34Rupert it's really him I don't believe it
05:38you you did this for me
05:41and to help you feel better I made your favorite dinner
05:44cut green beans
05:46Atkins friendly potato sticks arranged according to size from largest to smallest
05:51and a scooby-doo yogurt with shaggy's eyes scratched out oh it's perfect down to the last detail
05:57Lewis I was wrong about you
05:59you're
06:00you're my everything
06:02mommy loves you sweetheart
06:04Stewie loves Lois
06:09Brian loves Olympia Dukakis
06:11oh yeah I do
06:12Peter what's the matter with you today you're not yourself
06:18guys I went to dr. Hartman yesterday and
06:21he did things to my fanny
06:25Peter it's okay
06:30it's not okay you don't know what it's like
06:32you're wrong
06:33I too have felt the cold finger of injustice on my insidey parts
06:38he he did it to you too
06:41I have something to say
06:43dr. Hartman violated me as well
06:45I only went in there for a physical slash guinea pig removal
06:49but I turned out to be the guinea pig
06:51for his sexual experimentation
06:53you guys are a bunch of queers
06:55and so am I
06:58oh god it was horrible
07:00I scrubbed and I scrubbed
07:02but damn it they don't make water hot enough
07:04my god we've all been victims of dr. Hartman's prostate exam
07:08well gentlemen the abuse stops here
07:11I will not turn a brown eye to this
07:13I am gonna sue that bastard and make him pay out the ass
07:16no ifs ands or buts
07:18I'm gonna be really anal about this
07:20sphincter
07:23good morning Lois
07:30my Stewie you're in a good mood today
07:33why shouldn't I be
07:34you saved Rupert's life and I love you for it
07:37so warn the villagers here comes the cuddle monster
07:40lois your breasts are great
07:46well good morning Mr. Nipple
07:49hey there
07:50must be cold in here
07:52what do you say we move south a little bit
07:55there we go
07:57oh you are so ready
07:59Peter you're gonna sue dr. Hartman
08:04you can't do that
08:05all he did was give you a prostate exam
08:06are you saying I asked for this to happen
08:08you know dad there's this lawyer at the mall who says he'll take any case
08:12no matter how frivolous
08:13yeah yeah and they also have an orange Julius
08:16just trying to keep the conversation going
08:21well whatever happens I'm not gonna stand for this
08:25too many people get away with injustice
08:27like the folks you meet in those Louisiana swamps
08:29excuse me do you know how to get to town
08:32yeah it's back the way you came
08:34I love you Lois
08:39you know that right
08:40just in case I'll say it again
08:42I love you
08:43oh you are just so cute sweetie
08:45look at that little foot
08:47I'm gonna eat that foot
08:48give me that foot
08:49oh no don't eat my foot
08:51oh god
08:52oh it is so hard to find funny women
08:55and you are hilarious
08:56oh you're like a female bonnie hunt
08:58sit right there honey
09:00mom you'll go get Rupert so he can eat with you
09:03oh god thoughtful
09:04oh hey Lois I made coffee if you want some
09:07oh thank you Brian that'd be nice
09:09uh hey Brian
09:11uh listen I've got a favor to ask
09:13could you uh could you not talk to Lois anymore
09:15what
09:16you know it's just I'm tired of you hitting on her
09:19that's all it's I mean it's not cool
09:20I was just making coffee I didn't hit on her
09:23besides Lois is my friend I'll do whatever the hell I want
09:25I'm asking you nicely Brian stop hitting on her
09:28that's ridiculous
09:29I see the way you look at her
09:30I see it
09:30boy now kissing up to her monopolizing all her time
09:32so no one else can have a shot at her
09:34and listen you keep hitting on my woman
09:34and I'm fine
09:35oh no I do hit on Lois
09:36me tienes estupido
09:36tu eres un imbecil
09:38te odio
09:38and another
09:38what sorry I fell asleep watching
09:40Sabado Gigante last night
09:42Lois you know what we should do right now
09:52we should play restaurant with my Play-Doh
09:54I'll make you a hamburger
09:56perhaps I'll make it blue
09:58oh can you imagine such a world
10:00ugh Stewie
10:01I love you
10:02but you're wearing mommy out
10:04now it's time for bed
10:05hey Lois
10:06I have a secret for you
10:07you're awesome
10:09our top story
10:11a local woman
10:12loses her sex drive
10:13after a 125 dollar dinner
10:15at Alfredo's
10:16but first in medical news
10:18Dr. Elmer Hartman
10:19beloved family doctor
10:20to all of Quahog
10:21is the target
10:22of a molestation lawsuit
10:23the trial is set
10:24to begin tomorrow
10:25we now return you
10:26to Native American
10:27what's happening
10:28hey rerun
10:29you see Dwayne
10:30not today
10:31oh here he come
10:33how how how
10:34Peter I don't know
10:36how much more
10:36I can take
10:37Stewie used to be
10:38so independent
10:39but now he just
10:40clings to me
10:41night and day
10:42I'm exhausted
10:42oh look at me
10:44I'm Lois
10:44the sun revolves around me
10:45I'm the one
10:46who's got to go
10:46to court tomorrow
10:47Peter isn't there
10:48anything I can do
10:49to talk you out
10:50of this lawsuit
10:51hey I was violated
10:52sexually
10:53and that man
10:53is gonna pay
10:54and I suppose
10:55it wouldn't matter
10:56if I told you
10:56for the 50th time
10:57that it's a legitimate
10:58medical procedure
10:59to test for cancer
11:01Lois
11:02ah
11:02Lois
11:04Lois
11:05Lois
11:06Lois
11:07Lois
11:08Mom
11:09Mom
11:10Mom
11:11Mommy
11:12Mommy
11:13Mommy
11:15Mama
11:16Mama
11:17Mama
11:18Ma
11:19Ma
11:20Ma
11:21Ma
11:22Ma
11:23Mom
11:24Mom
11:25Mom
11:26Mom
11:27Mommy
11:28Mommy
11:29Mama
11:30Mama
11:31Mama
11:31Mama
11:32What?
11:33Hi
11:34Is it not true
11:40that you went
11:40to see Dr. Hartman
11:41for a simple
11:42prostate exam?
11:43No, I went
11:44for a flu shot
11:45At first I thought
11:46he was nice
11:46and that he was
11:47kind of handsome
11:48I trusted him
11:49and then he told me
11:50to bend over
11:51and then I just felt
11:57like something
11:57was wrong
11:58I tried to get him
12:08to stop
12:08but he kept saying
12:09relax
12:10I'm a doctor
12:11This is ridiculous
12:12that never happened
12:12Sit down
12:13you rapist
12:14Oh, I'm sorry
12:15I'm supposed to wait
12:16until I've heard everything
12:17Go ahead
12:18Mr. Griffin
12:18And that's when
12:19things got bad
12:20He made me feel
12:30so dirty
12:31Relax
12:36I'm a doctor
12:39Your Honor
12:48I can't believe
12:49you're even listening
12:49to this
12:50For God's sake
12:50you're a patient
12:51of mine
12:51I gave you
12:52a prostate exam
12:53last year
12:53don't you remember
12:54Come to think of it
12:55I remember it
12:56as a pretty standard exam
12:57Are you sure, Judge?
12:59Are you sure
12:59it wasn't all evil
13:00and grainy
13:01and black and white?
13:01Think about it
13:03Relax
13:09I be a doctor
13:12Guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty
13:17Dr. Hartman
13:19Your medical license
13:20Your medical license
13:20is hereby revoked
13:21That's outrageous
13:22God, I've looked forward
13:24to this moment
13:24more than the second coming
13:26of Jesus
13:26Okay, everybody
13:27I know you were expecting
13:29something else
13:29but as science will tell you
13:31people were a lot shorter
13:322,000 years ago
13:33So let's try to be adult
13:35about this
13:36No snickering
13:37And hey
13:37That's exactly what
13:39I'm talking about
13:39Okay, so if we can all
13:41be mature
13:42Give me the gum
13:43we can all get through
13:44this a lot faster
13:45I have so much fun
13:49when we hang out, Lois
13:50And I love your hair
13:51We should make up a name
13:52for your hair color
13:53We could call it like
13:54like Strawberry Sunset
13:56or Ginger Maiden
13:57or one of those
13:59hair color names
14:00that's a random noun
14:01like temptress
14:02Oh, at some point
14:04you have to let me braid it
14:05Lois
14:06What are you doing?
14:11Oh my God
14:14Oh my God
14:15What's happening to me?
14:17I'm like that Texas woman
14:19who gave her son
14:19brain damage
14:20by holding him underwater
14:21I'm just like
14:23Barbara Bush
14:24Brian, what kind of a mother
14:30has homicidal thoughts
14:31about her own baby?
14:33I'm a horrible person
14:34Lois, you're just exhausted
14:36Somehow you've got to
14:37break Stewie
14:38of this new
14:38over-dependence on you
14:39Well, it's worth a try
14:41Lois, I've got a surprise
14:43for you
14:44You and I
14:45are going to see
14:46Eddie Money
14:47Two tickets
14:48One of them on the radio
14:49We're going to have a ball
14:50God, he's like
14:51a totally different person
14:52Like Dr. Jekyll
14:53and Mr. Sulu
14:54Oh, no
14:58I never should have
14:59drank those chemicals
15:00Hello
15:01Peter, congratulations
15:06on taking down
15:07that monster
15:08Dr. Hartman
15:09Yeah, what'd you do
15:10with your pain
15:10and suffering money?
15:11I got collagen
15:12Hey, Lois
15:14Want to make out?
15:15Yeah
15:16What do you think
15:17of new sexy lips
15:18Peter?
15:19Yeah
15:20This is your life
15:21from now on
15:22Enjoy it, lucky wife
15:24I tell you boys
15:25this is a victory
15:26not just for my anus
15:27but for anuses
15:28Oh, hang on
15:29I gotta go pee
15:29That's a lot better
15:32So anyway
15:32this is
15:33Oh, I gotta take a leak
15:33There we go
15:35Oh, pee time
15:36Peter, you're urinating
15:40unusually frequently
15:41Yeah, what gives?
15:42If it's gale force
15:44peeing you be doing
15:45it could mean
15:46you've got barnacles
15:47on your prostate
15:48Best have sickbay
15:49checked below your decks
15:50Wait a minute
15:51Are you telling me
15:52I need a prostate exam?
15:54Aye
15:55And soon
15:55before your rudder jams
15:57with flotsam
15:57and you're dropping anchor
15:58without an order
15:59from the captain
16:00How are you liking
16:01all these nautical puns?
16:02Cute
16:02Somewhat entertaining
16:04My God
16:05I better see a doctor
16:06But no doctor in town
16:08will see you
16:08after that lawsuit
16:09Well, and I'll just
16:10find a doctor
16:11out of town
16:12Listen, I know
16:13I'm not a regular patient
16:14but I think I have
16:15some trouble
16:15with my prostate
16:16So, can you help me out
16:18Dr. McCoy?
16:18What?
16:19So you can sue me too?
16:20Oh, come on
16:21It'll only take a sec
16:21Forget it
16:22I'm a doctor
16:23not a patsy
16:24Hello
16:25Lois, what are you doing?
16:30I want to sleep
16:30in your bed
16:31Oh, good night, honey
16:32I love you
16:34This is for your own good
16:35Lois, where are you going?
16:38Lois?
16:39Lois?
16:40Lois, answer me
16:41Damn you
16:42I will not be ignored
16:43Get back in here
16:44Get back in here
16:45and love me
16:46Lois!
16:51Maybe I should go in
16:52He's so upset
16:54He's just being
16:54melodramatic
16:55You've got to ignore it
16:56if you really want to help him
16:57Are you flexing?
16:59What?
17:00Me?
17:00No
17:01Why would I be flexing?
17:03I mean, I have
17:04sort of been
17:05hitting the gym
17:06so if you wanted
17:07to see how it's going
17:08to do it?
17:08Good news
17:09What am I going to do, Seamus?
17:13Dr. Hartman is my only hope
17:15and there's no way
17:16he's going to see me
17:17Well, you'd best come up
17:18with something, Peter
17:19otherwise this will happen
17:20to your prostate
17:21You just, uh,
17:25carry a picture
17:25of a diseased prostate
17:27around with you?
17:27Never know
17:28when it's going to come up
17:28in conversation
17:29and then who's the one
17:31who's prepared
17:31I've also got a map
17:33of Middle Earth
17:33a cat doing a pull-up
17:35and the guys from Primus
17:37Are these poster jokes
17:39doing anything for you?
17:40Eh, hitting, miss
17:40We should hang out more
17:42I need her love
17:45I need her love
17:46and she's ignoring me
17:47Well, let's see her
17:48try to ignore this
17:49Lois, help!
17:55I ate this whole jar of pills
17:56that looked like candy
17:57and now I feel sick
17:59You look like a jackass
18:01Can't hear you, Brian
18:02I'm dead
18:02All right
18:03What did you do?
18:10Oh, that is so not cool
18:13Mommy, I'm dying
18:17I'm dying
18:18I said I'm dying
18:19Hey
18:20I'm dying up here
18:22What is this?
18:22A Tommy Lee pool party?
18:24Come on, Lois
18:24Get with me
18:25Ah!
18:31Ow!
18:33Oh my God, Stewie
18:34Are you all right?
18:35Oh, my sweet baby
18:37And to think
18:38I ignored your cries
18:39for attention
18:40I'm so sorry, honey
18:42Never again, Stewie
18:43I'm going to give you
18:44all the love
18:44you could ever want
18:45Forget it, you neglectful
18:50swag-bellied measle
18:51You had your chance
18:52and you blew it
18:53Well, now you're too late
18:54I hope they charge you
18:55with child abuse
18:56for my broken arm
18:57I'll testify against you
18:58just like I did
18:59against Michael Jackson
19:00Stewie, did Mr. Jackson
19:02behave inappropriately
19:03toward you?
19:04Well, yes
19:04but the worst part was
19:05he never called back
19:06No, but in all seriousness
19:09yeah, he was actually
19:10pretty aggressive
19:11Uh, package for Dr. Hartman?
19:17All right, where's the package?
19:19Here it is
19:19Uh, so why don't you
19:21go ahead and open it up
19:22and reach on in there
19:23It's probably cookies
19:24or something
19:25Wait a minute
19:26There's something strange
19:27about this
19:27I wasn't expecting
19:29any package
19:29Who are you?
19:31Griffin!
19:32You gotta help me, Dr. Hartman
19:33I think there may actually
19:34be something wrong
19:35with my prostate
19:36Well, don't look at me
19:37I lost my license
19:38thanks to you
19:39Look, I know what I did
19:40was wrong
19:41but you're the only one
19:42I can turn to
19:43So, I'm asking you
19:45as a man with no more options
19:47Will you take a look
19:49in my ass?
19:50Ah, despite everything
19:52that's happened
19:52I suppose I can't ignore
19:54my Hippocratic oath
19:55All right, drop your pants
19:57Oh, well, this is nothing
20:01just a little swelling
20:02probably a minor infection
20:03Looks like there's
20:04some blockage
20:05What the devil is that?
20:07Hello?
20:09Dr. Hartman
20:14Your license is hereby reinstated
20:16Oh, I'm so glad
20:19you two worked things out
20:20And to think
20:21I actually thought
20:22you raped me
20:23Well, I was going to
20:24but you ran out of the room
20:25What?
20:26Ah
20:26Ah
20:27Ah
20:28Family Guy was recorded
20:41on tape before a live audience
Recommended
28:31
21:32