- 2 days ago
Family-Guy-Season 5 Ep08-Barely-Legal-Uncensored
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00:00And now back to Romancing the Stone.
00:02The only way they're not gonna kill my sister is if we give them the stone.
00:05Well, they're gonna be looking everywhere.
00:07We'll have to hide it in my chin.
00:10Uh-oh, here they come.
00:11You better get in there, too.
00:15Good God!
00:17Joan Wilder's sister is being held hostage in Cartagena,
00:20and there's not a policeman in sight.
00:22I guess it's up to me.
00:24Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
00:25And I'm Diane Simmons.
00:26Our top story, Mayor West has dispatched the entire Quahog police force
00:30to Cartagena, Colombia,
00:31to assist in the rescue of fictional 1984 movie character Elaine Wilder.
00:36More on that later.
00:37Now let's go to Ollie Williams' cooking corner.
00:39What are you making, Ollie?
00:40Eggle!
00:40Thanks, Ollie. And now this.
00:46Lois, can you come out here for a second?
00:49Hey, Lois, can you run inside and give me some oranges
00:51or whatever it is these things eat?
00:53Peter, what is that?
00:55Uh, this would be a giraffe, Isaac Newton.
00:57Yeah, he stole it from the zoo.
00:59What, with Mayor West sending all the cops away,
01:01everybody can do whatever they want.
01:02Peter, I don't care what Mayor West has done.
01:05You can't just break the law.
01:06Sure I can. I've been doing it all week.
01:08Like yesterday, I started a lovable gang of Cockney pickpockets.
01:12All right, boys, the best targets are old, rich people.
01:15There's one now. Go get them.
01:17Oh, no. There's no police here to help me.
01:21I hope you don't find the money strapped to my thigh.
01:24Peter, you take that thing back where it belongs immediately.
01:27All right. I guess we got to go back to the zoo, Alice and Janie.
01:31Alice and Janie?
01:33Oh, good morning, honey. That feels really good.
01:35Hey, hey, hey! What the hell?
01:38You're not the same giraffe from last night.
01:39Get out of here!
01:44What the hell?
01:45No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
01:49I gotta stop taking my baths during Peter's shenanigans.
01:58Hello.
01:59Oh, hey, Jillian. What's up?
02:00Brian, are you coming over to watch Laguna Beach tonight?
02:04Uh, what time does it start?
02:06Ten o'clock, Eastern and Pacific time.
02:08What? What'd you say, specific time?
02:11Don't you mean Pacific time?
02:12No, I think it's called specific time.
02:14They mean it starts specifically at ten.
02:17Stewie, are you on the line?
02:20Yes.
02:20Jillian, I'll talk to you later.
02:26Uh, so, Meg?
02:30How was school?
02:32It was horrible.
02:33There's a dance Friday night and no one wants to go with me.
02:36Even my backup guy had plans.
02:39Hi, Jimmy.
02:40Um, I heard you didn't have a date to the dance,
02:42and I was wondering if you'd like to go with me.
02:44Oh, uh, I, uh...
02:47Hang on.
02:51I'd love to go, Meg, but...
02:53I have to go to my little brother's funeral that night.
02:57Oh, I'm sure you'll find someone to go with you.
02:59No, I won't.
03:00I'm so fat and gross.
03:02I should just kill myself.
03:06Oh, that's...
03:08Come on.
03:09I'm gonna do it.
03:10I'm gonna kill myself because no one will go with me.
03:14Oh.
03:17Meg, stop it.
03:20Come on.
03:22All right, all right, Meg, look.
03:23What if I...
03:24What if I drove you and walked in with you or whatever?
03:29Brian, will you go with me?
03:30Are you gonna kill yourself if I don't?
03:32Yeah.
03:32Well, then my hands are pretty much tied.
03:35Oh, Brian, thank you, thank you, thank you.
03:37Oh, I have to buy a new dress.
03:38All the ones I have make me look fat.
03:40Oh.
03:42The story on everyone's mind continues to be the absence of police officers in Quahog.
03:48Sir, as a citizen, how has this affected you?
03:51The police are gone?
03:52Oh, my God.
03:53We're finally safe.
03:55Bring up the scene.
03:56He's got a heart singing so joyfully.
03:59Just look about.
04:00You won't feel yourself to check me now.
04:03Can you feel a brand new day?
04:06Can you feel a brand new day?
04:10Can you feel a brand new day?
04:14Can you feel a brand new day?
04:18Hey, Joe, where you been?
04:22We haven't seen you in days.
04:23Ever since Mayor West deployed the police to Cartagena, I've been working nonstop.
04:28The only reason I didn't have to go myself is that South America isn't wheelchair accessible.
04:33Hey, you guys, we should help Joe out.
04:35We could be cops, right, Joe?
04:36Well, we have started an emergency training program at the police academy, but I'm not sure that you're cut out for the job.
04:44Come on.
04:44We'll be great, cops.
04:46Besides, it's bound to go better than my deep-sea training.
04:48Well, we got a long time in this decompression chamber.
04:51You guys mind if I turn on the radio?
04:53Peter, don't.
04:55Nice going, Jack.
04:56Oh, look what you did.
04:58Excuse the hell out of me for trying to brighten your day with music, all right?
05:02You idiot.
05:02Use your brain.
05:03You're an idiot.
05:04Ah!
05:04Hey!
05:05Ah!
05:05Ah!
05:05Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
05:11Oh, man, we're going to need some butter or something.
05:16Oh, Brian, it is so nice of you to take Meg to this dance.
05:20It really means a lot to her.
05:22You got any weed?
05:23I put it in your coat pocket.
05:24Here she is.
05:25Brian, I present to you your polished turd for the evening.
05:28How do I look, Brian?
05:30Ah, you sure do, Meg.
05:32FYI, the carpet matches the drapes in color and quantity.
05:38You ever seen a blacksmith's apron?
05:42Well, Brian, here we go.
05:44Oh, this is going to be so much fun.
05:46God, this is going to be a long night.
05:55Oh, Brian, let's dance.
05:56This song kicks ass.
05:58Hold on to the night.
06:05Hold on to the night.
06:08Man, I got to tell you, I can see why you'd be insecure, Meg.
06:11Some of these chicks are unbelievable.
06:15Brian, can I ask you something?
06:17Are you drinking so much because you don't want to be here?
06:19No, no, Meg.
06:21It's, that's, my God, look at these chicks.
06:24You know, the best thing about these girls is, even if you're terrible, they don't know the difference.
06:29You know, Meg, there's no dogs allowed here, so you're going to have to leave.
06:34But Brian can stay.
06:36You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch.
06:39Excuse me?
06:40Brian, let's just go.
06:41No, no, no, no, no, hang on, hang on, Meg, hang on.
06:44You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started giving handjobs when you were 12.
06:49But now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore.
06:53So you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body's used up by age 19,
06:58you're going to be a worn-out, chalky-skinned burlap sack that even your stepdad won't want.
07:03How's that? Am I in the ballpark?
07:06Brian, that was amazing.
07:08No one's ever stood up for me like that.
07:10Hey, no problem.
07:11She's a skank.
07:13You know, you don't deserve, you don't deserve all the crap you get, Meg.
07:17You know that?
07:18Thanks, Brian.
07:19Sorry, that was the booze, not you.
07:33You're going to eat that?
07:34Oh, yes, the day can begin.
07:42Good morning, Brian.
07:44Now, we can do this one of two ways.
07:46I can bust your balls to pieces right now, or we can spread it out over the course of the day.
07:50I don't want to talk about it.
07:51Well, I do.
07:51So tell me everything that happened at the dance.
07:53Morning, cutie.
07:55Hey.
07:55I had so much fun last night, Brian.
07:58Hey, I thought maybe we can go get some coffee later.
08:01I don't think so.
08:02Oh, come on.
08:03Who's a good boy?
08:04Who's a good boy, huh?
08:06Who's a good boy?
08:07Me.
08:08Oh, who's a good boy?
08:10I am.
08:11I'm a good boy.
08:12But no, no, look.
08:12I got stuff to do today, all right?
08:14Sorry.
08:15Well, we should hook up anyway.
08:16I'll bug you later.
08:17I'll bug you later.
08:47And it's not even worth going into.
08:50Oh, this is an even bigger jackpot than when the Emperor figured out the formula for great Star Wars dialogue.
08:56Something, something, something dark side.
09:01Something, something, something complete.
09:17Well, this is it.
09:23Our first day of Police Academy 4.
09:26Welcome to the Police Academy.
09:28We're going to start by learning how to do a cavity search.
09:31Peter, you will be the police officer, and Quagmire, you will be the suspect.
09:36Begin.
09:37Sir, I suspect you are in possession of drugs, and I'm going to have to give you a full cavity search.
09:42Drop your pants.
09:45Uh, Peter, you don't have to pull your pants down.
09:48Oh, sorry, I'm still learning.
09:49All right, start the search.
09:50I think that's everything.
10:03You want me to double check?
10:04I appreciate you guys volunteering for this next phase of training, which will address how to deal with a crazed drug user.
10:12Hey, uh, Joe, what are we supposed to do in here?
10:14You see that coffee you're drinking?
10:16I have, without your knowledge, added a large amount of PCP to one of those cups of coffee.
10:21I won't say which one, but in a few moments, one of you will completely lose your freaking mind.
10:27Good luck.
10:28Uh-oh.
10:28Oh, this is not good.
10:30We're in trouble.
10:30All right, all right, let's just all try and relax here, huh?
10:32I don't feel so good.
10:34Oh, God, it's Cleveland.
10:35It's him, it's him.
10:36Shut up.
10:37Maybe it's you.
10:38How the hell did all this skin get on my arm?
10:41Ah!
10:42Oh, God!
10:43Quagmire, put your skin back on.
10:45One of us is about to freak out.
10:51Hi, honey.
10:53What?
10:53I was thinking about our kiss last night.
10:55I never knew how flat and wide your tongue was.
10:59Yeah.
11:00You know, I've thought about how you stood up for me at the dance, and all the nice things you said.
11:04We should totally be boyfriend and girlfriend.
11:07Well, Meg, uh, you know what's strange?
11:10Uh, I, I, I think I might be gay.
11:13Um, I, I saw this penis on the internet today, and I thought to myself, well, that's, that's just fine.
11:20I'm going to the mall later.
11:22Maybe you can come and help me pick out some underwear.
11:24Uh, I, I don't think that's going to be a possibility.
11:27I have plans, um, with Chris.
11:31Chris and I have, uh, plans this afternoon.
11:33We do?
11:33Yeah, yeah, we're doing, uh, we're doing that thing.
11:35We're, we're doing what you usually do on a Thursday afternoon.
11:39Masturbate?
11:40Masturbate.
11:40We're going to masturbate together.
11:41Well, maybe back to back, but I, I gotta tell you, I'm not 100% on this.
11:46Oh, there's the cute prom couple.
11:49Hi, Mom.
11:50Is it cool if Brian and I go to the mall this afternoon?
11:52Actually, I thought I was pretty clear, uh...
11:54Oh, of course it's okay.
11:56Ever since that dance, you two have become such good friends.
12:00Who would have thought?
12:01Oh, we're more than friends, Mom.
12:02Last night at the dance, Brian...
12:04Well, last night we decided to be best friends.
12:06Right, Meg?
12:07Come on, let's go to the mall.
12:08Well, we'll get you, uh, get you a big old pretzel.
12:11I want a pretzel, too!
12:14Brian, I'm ready!
12:16You in or out?
12:25Everyone, this is Brian.
12:27Oh, this is Brian.
12:29He does look like Ben Affleck.
12:30He looks just like Ben Affleck.
12:32Is that Ben Affleck?
12:33Hey.
12:34So, how did you guys meet?
12:35I'm, uh, a friend of her dad's.
12:38Ooh, he's older.
12:40He's cute.
12:40Do you have a brother?
12:41Makeup and stickers and ponies in MySpace.com!
12:44Brian's the first serious boyfriend I've ever had.
12:47Uh, Meg, can I talk to you for a second?
12:51Look, this has gone a little too far.
12:53I like you, I think you're great, but...
12:55What happened at the dance was...
12:57I mean, that kiss was just a mistake.
12:59Oh, no. Did I do something wrong?
13:01Was it because I didn't sniff your butt first?
13:03What? No.
13:04I mean, yes, that's how I would know you were interested, but...
13:07Meg, the fact is, you and I are friends, and that's the way it needs to stay.
13:11Besides, I have a girlfriend. I'm dating Jillian.
13:14All right, Brian.
13:15I understand.
13:17Good.
13:17I'm gonna grab Stewie, and then we can go.
13:20What's that, Brian?
13:22Oh, you were just kidding.
13:24Oh, I know you were.
13:25I love you, too, Brian.
13:27And you love me.
13:28You do love me, Brian.
13:37Hey, Brian.
13:39Oh, Meg, hey.
13:40Hey, listen, I hope you're feeling all right about our little talk the other day.
13:43You know, about us being just friends and all.
13:45Oh, yeah.
13:46No, I'm fine. I'm fine.
13:48And, hey, look, I wanted to thank you for being so great to me.
13:52So, I baked your pie.
13:54Oh, wow.
13:55Hey, that looks delicious.
13:56Mmm.
13:57Wow, those are good.
13:58What's in there?
13:59Well, there's some apples and some cinnamon and my hair.
14:03What?
14:04My hair is in the pie, Brian.
14:06And now it's inside of you.
14:08Part of me is inside of you, Brian.
14:12Do you feel me, Brian?
14:13Brian, do you feel me inside of you?
14:20Ooh, you got some pie, eh?
14:21Can I have a piece?
14:22Uh, sure.
14:24Ooh, let me have some of that cool whip.
14:25What'd you say?
14:26You can't have a pie without cool whip.
14:28Cool whip?
14:29Cool whip, yeah.
14:30You mean cool whip?
14:31Yeah, cool whip.
14:32Cool whip.
14:33Cool whip.
14:34Cool whip.
14:34Cool whip.
14:35You're saying it weird.
14:36Why are you putting so much emphasis on the H?
14:38What are you talking about?
14:38I'm just saying it.
14:39Cool whip.
14:39You put cool whip on pie.
14:41Pie tastes better with cool whip.
14:42Say whip.
14:43Whip.
14:43I'll say cool whip.
14:44Cool whip.
14:45Cool whip.
14:46Cool whip.
14:46Cool whip.
14:47Cool whip.
14:48You're eating hair!
14:48Pfft!
14:51Well, Lois, I am now a graduate of the Quahog Police Academy and an official on-duty cop.
14:57I can't believe I'm married to a big, scary police officer.
15:01Just keep your eyes on the eggs, ma'am.
15:05Yes, officer.
15:08You are such a dirty cop.
15:10Don't break those yokes, ma'am.
15:11Ow!
15:12Ow!
15:12Oh, my God, Lois, I hit you.
15:13I know.
15:14Now stick your finger in there and twist it.
15:20Hey, uh, Lois, can I talk to you for a second?
15:23I think we may have a problem with Meg.
15:24Oh, you're telling me she's been locked in her room all day.
15:28Who knows what she's doing up there?
15:40Yeah, well, the thing is, Meg is becoming a little enamored with me, and I'm kind of losing control of the situation.
15:47Oh, she's just grateful you took her to the dance.
15:50Well, uh, I think it's more than that.
15:53Uh, so here's the thing, and don't get mad, and that part I can't stress enough.
15:58That's a great shirt, by the way.
15:59Um, I may have made out with Meg.
16:05Okay, I had that coming.
16:07What the hell is wrong with you, you sick bastard?
16:10Look, I was drinking.
16:11Oh, what a shock.
16:12Look, the short version is, this morning she made me eat her hair pie.
16:17No, it's not what you think.
16:19Stewie had some, too.
16:20Stop punching me!
16:21Look, Brian, I don't know what the hell happened between you two, but you better go upstairs and straighten it out right now.
16:28Ugh, this is even worse than when you ate that bubblegum out of the garbage.
16:32Brian, did you get into the garbage last night?
16:35Uh, no, why?
16:37Don't lie to me, Brian.
16:38I'm not lying.
16:42Uh, Meg, you got a minute?
16:50What the hell?
16:52I made that for you, Brian.
16:54Meg!
16:55Look, you obviously didn't hear me yesterday, so I'll explain it again.
16:58And here to assist me is headmaster of the New York School for the Heart of Hearing, Mr. Garrett Morris.
17:03Meg, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend.
17:06We're not boyfriend and girlfriend!
17:09I will never be attracted to you.
17:11I will never be attracted to you!
17:15You're acting like a psycho bitch.
17:17You're acting like a psycho bitch!
17:21Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
17:23Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!
17:29I won't be ignored, Brian.
17:32Ooh, I like your ass.
17:34Joe, I gotta tell you, this whole cop thing ain't as exciting as I thought it was gonna be.
17:52When do we get to shoot some bad guys?
17:54Guys, it's not all about action.
17:56It's about staying vigilant until you're needed.
17:58What are you doing?
17:59I'm watching Bonnie undress.
18:01Bonnie's your wife.
18:02I know.
18:03I like to watch her strip and pretend she's a woman who I've never met, but who looks just like Bonnie and lives in my house.
18:09Get naked, you strange whore!
18:11Peter, I haven't seen Meg or Brian since last night.
18:15I think something may have happened.
18:16Mom, is it bad if I saw Meg tie up Brian last night, put him in the trunk of his car, and then drive away?
18:23What?
18:24Chris, why didn't you say anything?
18:26I dropped the ball.
18:27I'm sorry.
18:28I have just been buried in paperwork for the past 72 hours.
18:32Oh, my God.
18:33Brian was right.
18:34Meg really must be obsessed with him.
18:36Oh, Peter, we gotta find them.
18:38Don't worry, Lois.
18:38We're the police, and we'll do our very best to find Brian and girl Chris.
18:42I'm really having a great time tonight, Brian.
18:48I can't believe you went to all this trouble.
18:51Well, you know me.
18:53Oh, I do, Brian.
18:54I know you so well.
18:56So, are you ready?
18:58For what?
18:59For the fun we're gonna have, Brian.
19:01We're gonna have fun tonight.
19:03Good, old-fashioned, all-American fun.
19:09Listen, Meg, I'm not gonna lie to you here.
19:11I'm a little uncomfortable.
19:13Oh, just relax.
19:15We're gonna be here for a while.
19:17Well, I don't know if...
19:18Wait, what?
19:18We're gonna be here for a while.
19:20A while?
19:21Yeah, a while.
19:22You mean a while?
19:23A while.
19:24A while.
19:25A while.
19:25A while.
19:26A while.
19:27A while.
19:27Brian, you're acting weird.
19:29Oh, come on.
19:29That one doesn't even have an H in it.
19:31Don't move, dirtbag.
19:33Holy crap.
19:34What the hell is this?
19:35Brian, she's a teenager.
19:37Yeah, Brian, you're doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that Chinaman
19:40that Woody Allen brought home from the circus.
19:42Peter, hold on to that thought, because I'm gonna explain to you when we get home all
19:46the things that are wrong with that statement.
19:47But first, Meg, you need to let Brian go.
19:50But Mom, I love him!
19:52Honey, you're just confused.
19:54I'm not confused!
19:55I've never been more certain about anything in my life!
19:58I need him!
20:00Meg, I know that's what you think right now, but you're not...
20:02Oh, God, I wish I could make you understand.
20:05You don't know what you need.
20:07I know what she needs.
20:09You do?
20:09You bet.
20:10Bring her by my house around 8.30 tonight.
20:12I'll take care of her.
20:16Hi, Mr. Quagmire.
20:17Mom said I should come over here.
20:18Have a seat, Meg.
20:19Soon it'll all become clear.
20:27Excuse me while I get a little more comfortable.
20:29Meg, I've watched you grow up from a playful little girl into a very special young woman.
20:36Now, you probably just think of me as square old Mr. Quagmire from next door,
20:39but I've been around the block a few times, learned a couple things, and I can tell you this.
20:44There's no reason to grow up too fast.
20:46Teenage girls are exposed to so much these days, I can see why a relationship looks glamorous.
20:51But you've got all the time in the world and a lot of wonderful experiences ahead of you.
20:56Hang on, I want to give you something.
20:59This book helped me when I was about your age.
21:03It let me know that as long as I kept on rolling, I'd find that one person who would make me whole.
21:09Thanks, Mr. Quagmire.
21:10Oh, you don't have to thank me.
21:12Now get on out of here, you little scamp.
21:17All right, ladies, you ready for action?
21:20We sure are, Glenn.
21:21Do you have the whip?
21:23Got it right here.
21:24Wait, what?
21:24Hello, I'm Tom Tucker.
21:28Coming up at 11, Quahog police return to active duty after giving up the search for fictitious Romancing the Stone character, Elaine Weill.
21:35Go on.
21:35HTTP I'll show you as well.
21:38Yep.
21:39When you're the man, when you're the one next week, because I'm so in the first and last week, I'm at an oh hoang.
21:42Have you ever shown us?
21:43Remember here to be a grandma at the church.
21:45We're two and her friends.
21:45It's very true.
21:46Listen to that.
21:46Next week, thou do your ass and make a really good day.
21:48And pair this next week, for now I'll show you what makes you a long journey.
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