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Family-Guy-Season 5 Ep07-Chick-Cancer-Uncensored.
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00:00Coming up, a New Orleans man says his socks are finally dry.
00:04But first, the big news in entertainment this week is the lovable child actress, Olivia Fuller.
00:09Oh my God, Brian, that's Olivia from the Performing Arts School.
00:13What sort of overblown contract has that dreadful bitch landed now?
00:16Most of you know Olivia as the adorable little girl in the Tasty Juice ads.
00:20Hey, Mom, can I have some soda?
00:22No, but you can have some Tasty Juice. It has only one-third the sugar of soda.
00:26Mmm, delicious. Thanks, Mom.
00:30Tasty Juice, drink it, then can burn it to pee.
00:35But little Olivia's career may be over just as it begins with today's announcement that Tasty Juice will be dropping her as their spokesperson
00:41and replacing her with a new ad campaign featuring rock and roll legend Chuck Berry.
00:46Open your mouth, baby. Here it comes.
00:50But there is a silver lining for local Quahogians as Miss Fuller will be appearing at the Quahog Mall this weekend
00:55to mark the grand opening of the new Brat Wraps kids' clothing store.
00:59Oh, that's perfect, Brian. We have to go down there this weekend and heckle her roundly.
01:03I'll humiliate her worse than Luke Skywalker did to that rebel pilot.
01:09The exhaust shaft is only two meters wide, so you'll have to use proton torpedoes.
01:13That's impossible, even for a computer.
01:15It's not impossible. I used to bullseye womp rats in my T-16 back home.
01:19They're not much bigger than two meters.
01:20Hey, uh, can I talk to you privately for a second?
01:25Sure.
01:27That, that, uh, that was, that was unnecessary.
01:30What's the problem?
01:31Well, you just kind of called me out in front of everybody back there.
01:34I was just making a point.
01:35I know, I know, but you, like, just kind of sandbagged me in front of everyone we know.
01:39Oh, I sandbagged you?
01:40In front of all of our friends, yeah, you sandbagged me.
01:42I sandbagged you.
01:42You sandbagged me, yes.
01:43Well, here I am trying to help you with something that...
01:45You know what, you know what? I don't need your kind of help.
01:47All right? Have a great assault, jerk.
02:01Lois, I don't understand why I gotta sit through a chick flick.
02:04Peter, you promised you'd come with me to see Autumn's piano.
02:07Besides, you owe me big after the way you embarrassed me in front of Sandra Oh.
02:12Oh, my God, Sandra Oh!
02:14We loved you in Sideways.
02:17We see you in many movies.
02:20I think about you while having sex with my wife.
02:24I thank you with one dollar.
02:26That's a lot of money to them.
02:28Lois, I'm just warning you.
02:29If this movie turns me gay, I'm gonna start bringing gay guys home.
02:32And I don't mean the classy, maybe they are, maybe they're not gay guys.
02:35I mean those big, oh, my God, here they come floating around making noise gay guys.
02:39Not to fix up your house gay guys.
02:40Peter, shit's starting.
02:42You must be Autumn Daniels.
02:47Welcome to Barncliffe School for Girls.
02:49We're your roommates.
02:50I'm Sassy, that's Pouty, and this is Suicidey.
02:53I got a bad feeling about Suicidey.
02:56Ain't no mountain high in love.
02:59Yeah, you can tell all the girls care about each other because they have so much fun cleaning the dishes.
03:05I have to leave, and I'm taking my piano with me.
03:10No!
03:12Why?
03:14Why?
03:14She chose the piano over her insulin.
03:18You could have had both.
03:20Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
03:22Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
03:24Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
03:26Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
03:28Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
03:29See?
03:29That wasn't so bad.
03:31Oh, you know, Lois, this movie has helped me understand a lot of things.
03:34Like that foreign guy at work who helped me understand sarcasm.
03:38Ha, nice day we're having.
03:40Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
03:42What?
03:42He said nice day, but he covered with rain.
03:45So?
03:46So he said this when your brain knows it's not really a nice day.
03:50Oh, yeah, yeah.
03:51Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
03:52Yes, he said the opposite.
03:53It's funny.
03:54Oh, yeah, I get it.
03:56Nice day.
03:56Oh, ha, ha, ha.
03:58Now you funny too.
03:59Oh.
04:04There she is, Brian.
04:07Oh, boy, I'm going to take her down right in front of everybody.
04:11All right, Olivia, get ready to...
04:12Good Lord.
04:14What is it?
04:14Brian, she looks...
04:16She looks fantastic.
04:18And now, TV's Olivia Fuller will cut the ceremonial ribbon.
04:21I hope I'm allowed to do this.
04:23My mommy says don't run with scissors.
04:25Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
04:26She's so cute.
04:27I love children.
04:27Look at my kids.
04:28So, everyone, feel free to browse and purchase from our fine selection.
04:34Hey, Mom, now would be a good time to raise my allowance.
04:37Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
04:43Oh, this one's kind of nice.
04:44What?
04:45Olivia?
04:47Hey.
04:48Stewie?
04:49Oh, my God.
04:50Wow, this is...
04:51It's been a while.
04:52Yeah, no, it has.
04:54So, you're back in town?
04:55Yeah, we're, um, we're moving back into the old house.
04:59Oh, that's...
05:00Well, God, you look great.
05:02I mean, you're all in shape.
05:04My God, California's been good to you.
05:07I mean, I guess you should be looking good,
05:08because everybody's a health nut out there, right?
05:11Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
05:12Yeah.
05:14Well, anyway, it was nice seeing you again, so...
05:17Hey, listen, maybe you want to come over on Friday.
05:21It's my Bernie Mac night.
05:23It's a fun show if you haven't seen it.
05:25I...
05:25I mean, I can't understand what the devil is saying,
05:27but, you know, there's a lot of movement,
05:29and it's bright and colorful.
05:30It keeps my attention.
05:31Look, Stewie, you're sweet,
05:33but since I moved to Hollywood,
05:35I've done a lot of growing up.
05:36I'm dating more sophisticated men now,
05:39but it was good to see you.
05:42What happened?
05:43She shot me down, Brian.
05:45What do you care?
05:46You came here to gloat about her contract cancellation anyway.
05:49Yes, but that was before I got a look at her face.
05:51I mean, she's a woman now, Brian,
05:53so sophisticated, so grown up,
05:55and she says she wants a grown-up man,
05:58but apparently that's not me.
06:00You think so?
06:01Who could forget that one?
06:05Hi, I'm the mayor of comedy,
06:08here to tell you about a new CD offer,
06:10sitcom punchlines of the 80s,
06:12including such gems as...
06:14I think it's time for plan B.
06:16Smooth move, ex-lax,
06:18and that went well.
06:20Also, check, please.
06:22Plus, open mouth, insert foot,
06:25and wait, if you're here,
06:27then that means...
06:29Oh, boy.
06:31Order now and receive
06:33sounds of the 80s studio audience,
06:35which includes trouble brewing...
06:37As well as sweet moments...
06:40And, of course, ethnic kiss.
06:46This is an offer you don't want to miss,
06:48but don't take my word for it.
06:50Hear what 80s mainstay Howard Hessman
06:52has to say about it.
06:53I love it.
06:54Would Howard Hessman lie for weed?
06:56We don't think so.
06:57Order now.
07:04There we go.
07:05You are ready for your date.
07:07Yeah.
07:08That's a bedhead.
07:10Yeah.
07:11Hey, look at you.
07:11You just got out of bed.
07:13You're the underachiever
07:14every woman wants to sleep with.
07:16Hey, big date tonight?
07:17Oh, yeah, yeah.
07:18Hey, listen, I'm, uh,
07:20sorry about Olivia rejecting you.
07:21Oh, I haven't given up yet, Brian.
07:23She says she wants a more mature,
07:25grown-up man,
07:26so all I've got to do
07:27is be more grown-up.
07:28What are you doing?
07:28Just cleaning out your brush, ma'am.
07:30Hi, Jillian.
07:37Hi, Brian.
07:38Ready to go?
07:39Hey, baby.
07:41Hi, Stewie.
07:42What the hell are you doing?
07:44Eh, not much, really.
07:45Just me and my pubes.
07:47Hanging out.
07:48Oh, dear God.
07:49Boy, I am so beat
07:50from doing adult stuff all day.
07:52So am I.
07:53I just kind of feel like
07:55kicking it tonight.
07:56Oh, look at that.
07:57I'm growing all the time.
07:58Hey, uh, Jillian,
07:59can you give me a minute?
08:01You ever just let your balls
08:02hang out, be-ry?
08:04You ever do that, be-rony?
08:07Drove my Chevy to the levee,
08:08but the levee was bright?
08:10Give me my hair back.
08:11Ow!
08:11What the hell, man?
08:12Stewie, this is not going to convince
08:13Olivia that you're grown up enough for her.
08:15Oh, yeah?
08:16What do you know about women?
08:17You want to know how to get women?
08:18There's only one place in town
08:19you need to observe.
08:21Just watch.
08:22I am not doing that, Glenn!
08:24Come on, beautiful.
08:25Keep an open mind.
08:26You're a sick man!
08:28Hey, keep it down.
08:29I don't want my neighbors
08:29seeing a fat old dirty whore
08:31screaming at me on my front lawn.
08:33Whore?
08:34Well, maybe I should come inside.
08:36Well, maybe you should.
08:37What the deuce?
08:38Why the hell would she respond positively
08:40to such a negative comment?
08:42Unless...
08:43Brian, do women like it?
08:45when you treat them like crap?
08:47Well, I don't know if you want to be
08:48that black and white about it.
08:49That's it, isn't it?
08:50Women respond when you treat them like crap.
08:53Well, Olivia, prepare to meet
08:55a much darker Stewie Griffin.
09:03Hey, babe, what do you say?
09:04We going out Saturday night?
09:05Stewie, what are you doing here?
09:07I told you I'm just into a different type of guy.
09:10Oh, yeah?
09:10I'll tell you what you're into.
09:11Being ugly.
09:12Stewie, you're being mean.
09:14No, if I was being mean,
09:15when you opened the door,
09:16I would have said,
09:17Oh, hey, Ray Liotta.
09:18Is Olivia home?
09:19Oh, wait, you're Olivia.
09:21You see, I thought you were Ray Liotta
09:22because your skin has the texture
09:24of a decorative autumn squash.
09:28So I'll pick you up at seven.
09:31That sounds wonderful.
09:33She said yes.
09:35My God, I'm cooler
09:36than that cheetah from the commercials.
09:37Oh, God, there is no fucking drummer
09:47better than Neil Peart.
09:50It ain't easy being cheesy.
09:56Oh, Smilla,
09:57your sense of snow is equaled
09:59only by your sense of love.
10:01Peter, have you been up all night
10:02watching chick movies?
10:03Lois, before I found these movies,
10:06women only made me cry
10:07through my penis.
10:08Now they make me cry
10:09through my eyes.
10:10I've decided.
10:11I'm making my own chick flick.
10:13What?
10:14You don't know anything
10:15about making movies.
10:16Are you kidding?
10:17I got lots of experience
10:18in the film industry.
10:19I was the original pretty woman.
10:21You look beautiful,
10:22but there's something missing.
10:23This is a beautiful spot, Stewie.
10:31I know.
10:31I love coming here
10:32because you can just sit here
10:33and people watch, you know?
10:34Oh, oh, look at this.
10:35Look at this guy.
10:36Look at this.
10:37What is that?
10:37What does he do?
10:38Just standing there,
10:39smelling his hand?
10:40What is that?
10:42What is that on my hand?
10:44Is that barbecue sauce?
10:46When was I near barbecue sauce?
10:49Oh, look, look, Jewish cowboy.
10:51Jewish cowboy.
10:52Yeah, not going to be so tough
10:54when the sun goes down, are you?
10:56Better go wrestle up
10:58some Chinese food,
10:59hop along, Nussbaum.
11:02You know, Stewie,
11:03I'm really glad
11:04I gave you another chance.
11:05You're a really special guy.
11:07I know.
11:09No, no, I'm kidding.
11:10I'm not really that self-centered.
11:11But, you know, Olivia,
11:13I can't think of any place
11:14I'd rather be
11:15than right here,
11:16right now, with you.
11:19Oh, look at this guy.
11:20Now there's someone
11:21who cuts his own hair.
11:22Yeah, no kidding.
11:23Oh, my God.
11:24Oh, oh, oh, check out
11:25this uptight Asian guy.
11:26Look at that.
11:27I work really hard
11:28because I'm no fun.
11:30Boong.
11:30Boy, this is a great city.
11:38I don't care what anybody says.
11:39I know.
11:40Look at that sunset
11:41against the skyline.
11:42I know.
11:43Wow, look at that.
11:44A perfect end
11:45to a perfect day.
11:46Yeah.
11:47Well, we should probably get home.
11:49This area gets really dangerous
11:50at night.
11:50Okay, everyone.
12:01Welcome to the first day
12:02of shooting for Steel Vaginas.
12:04Peter, this movie
12:05doesn't seem to make any sense.
12:07It makes perfect sense, Lois.
12:08This is the scene
12:09where our heroine,
12:10Regina Hertz,
12:11is told by Dr. McNugget here
12:13that she has
12:13uncurable chick cancer.
12:15All right, Joe,
12:15let's lose the wheelchair
12:16and shoot this thing.
12:17Peter, I can't lose the wheelchair.
12:19I need it to move.
12:20I need it to move.
12:20Okay, yeah,
12:21but your character can walk.
12:22Peter, I'm handicapped.
12:24I can't walk.
12:25Okay, Chris, roll film
12:26and action.
12:29Joe, get out of the damn chair.
12:31Chris, get the cattle prod.
12:34Okay, now give him some peanut butter
12:35so we can make it look
12:36like he's talking.
12:41God, I hate these things.
12:43Sweetie, can't you just
12:43have a good time?
12:44I don't know anybody.
12:45These are all your friends.
12:46Just relax.
12:47Have some cake or something.
12:49Hey, hey,
12:50who do we have here?
12:52Oh my God, Victor?
12:54Hey, kiddo.
12:55How are you?
12:56Great, great.
12:57Wow.
12:58Stewie, this is Victor.
13:00We did a Flintstones
13:01vitamins commercial together.
13:02Ten million strong
13:03and growing.
13:04Oh, yeah, good to meet you.
13:08How are you?
13:08Victor's such a good actor.
13:10He played a dead baby
13:11on CSI Miami.
13:12Yeah, I'm more into writing now.
13:14Oh, hang on a sec.
13:15Idea for a short story.
13:17Guy picks his nose,
13:18then eats it.
13:18Yeah, good luck with that.
13:19Hey, Olivia,
13:20why don't you and I
13:21go get some punch?
13:22Oh, actually,
13:23would you mind getting some
13:24for Victor and me
13:25while we catch up?
13:26Or, or,
13:27or, a third option,
13:28why doesn't Victor
13:29go get some punch
13:30for you and me?
13:31Or maybe you and I
13:31could go away from Victor
13:32and go get the punch.
13:34Or none of us
13:34could have punch,
13:35but still Victor
13:36could go away.
13:37Victor, would you
13:37excuse us for a second?
13:39Uh, sure.
13:40I deal for a novel.
13:41Guy loses his favorite
13:42blankie,
13:42goes looking for it,
13:43and finds it in the kitchen.
13:44Is that,
13:45I amaze myself.
13:46Is that,
13:46it's genius.
13:47It's unbelievable.
13:48I don't know
13:48where I get it from.
13:49What the hell
13:50is wrong with you?
13:51You're acting like a jerk.
13:52Oh, I'm acting like a jerk?
13:53What about phony Curtis
13:55over there?
13:55He happens to be
13:56a very intelligent,
13:58successful actor.
13:59And you know,
13:59he's done three
14:00national diaper commercials.
14:01Yeah, they should put
14:02a diaper on his face.
14:03That's where the crap
14:03is coming out.
14:04You don't own me.
14:05I can talk to
14:06whoever I want.
14:07I don't see a ring
14:08on my finger.
14:11I, Stewie,
14:12take you, Olivia,
14:13to be my lawfully
14:14wedded wife.
14:15What's that, Rupert?
14:16Oh, kiss the bride.
14:17Yes.
14:23Hi, honey.
14:27I'm home.
14:28Hi, sweetie.
14:28How was your day?
14:29Well, I was an astronaut
14:30for a while,
14:31then I was a cowboy,
14:32and then all afternoon
14:33I was a fireman,
14:34so it's been, uh,
14:35it's been a long one.
14:37Uh, what's for dinner?
14:38Play-Doh spaghetti.
14:39Oh.
14:40What?
14:41No, no, it's nothing.
14:43Just had Play-Doh spaghetti
14:44last night.
14:45And that's all
14:46we had last night.
14:48What does that mean?
14:49Oh, I don't know, Olivia.
14:50Uh, maybe that we are
14:51in a sexless marriage.
14:52We have yet to have sex.
14:54Do you even know
14:55what sex is?
14:56That's not the point.
14:57Don't change the...
14:57It's a kind of cake.
14:58Look, can we just drop this
15:00and have a normal
15:00pretend dinner?
15:01Fine, fine.
15:02Ugh, some days I think
15:03it was easier
15:04being Qubit's roommate.
15:07God, it's all night
15:08with this guy.
15:09Hey, if you're gonna
15:09leave all those lights on,
15:11I'm not gonna split
15:11the electric bill.
15:19Sorry we're late,
15:20everyone,
15:20but Jean Benet here
15:21took forever
15:22with her makeup.
15:23Uh, yes,
15:24and we probably
15:25would have shaved
15:25a few minutes
15:26off our trip,
15:26but Mr. Cheapo here
15:27refused to let the valet
15:28touch his big wheel,
15:29so we had to drive
15:30around the block
15:31six times
15:31till we could find a spot.
15:33But to his credit,
15:33it's a great spot
15:34to get mugged.
15:35Oh, wouldn't that be a shame
15:36if they took all my money
15:37out of both our wallets?
15:39Well, it's just good
15:40to have you guys here.
15:41Can I get you folks
15:41something to drink?
15:42Uh, yes,
15:43I'll just have flat water.
15:44Um, do you have
15:45high sea tropical punch?
15:46And it begins.
15:48What?
15:48I can't have a drink
15:49with dinner?
15:50Oh, so dinner started
15:51at two o'clock
15:52this afternoon,
15:52did it?
15:52Yes,
15:53about the same time
15:54you decided to hole up
15:55in the bathroom
15:55for three hours
15:56waxing your eyebrows.
15:57You swore you would never...
15:58I have a prominent brow,
16:00and I do what I can
16:01to get by.
16:02Well, hey,
16:03what's important
16:03is that you're here now.
16:04Let's just enjoy dinner.
16:05Yeah, can't we just
16:06have a good time?
16:07Oh, ask Olivia.
16:08Olivia, the three of us
16:09are having a great time.
16:10What's your problem?
16:11My problem is you!
16:12You're acting like a baby!
16:14And we come to the center
16:16of the shrubbery maze.
16:17That's what it all
16:18comes down to, isn't it?
16:19I'm not grown up
16:20enough for you!
16:21Well, you are a baby,
16:22aren't you?
16:23Stay out of it.
16:24Stay out of it.
16:24Well, if you think
16:25I'm a baby,
16:25then perhaps I should
16:26act like a baby.
16:27Where?
16:28Where?
16:29Where?
16:30Hey, could you
16:31keep that kid quiet?
16:32Oh, oh, oh, what's that?
16:34What's that, sir?
16:35What's that?
16:35I'm sorry,
16:36am I being too loud for you?
16:37You want to come over
16:37here and quiet me down?
16:38Oh, let's not do this.
16:40Oh, God, Stewie,
16:41come on.
16:41I'm scared.
16:42No, it's okay, it's okay.
16:43Sir, you feel strong?
16:45You want to come over here?
16:45No, I want to stay here
16:47and have my steak.
16:48Oh, yeah?
16:48Yeah.
16:49What is that,
16:49the porterhouse?
16:50Yeah.
16:50How is it?
16:51What do you care?
16:52If we weren't fighting,
16:53would you recommend it?
16:54Yeah, I would.
16:54Well, I know what I'm getting.
17:00Hello, everyone.
17:03Well, here we are,
17:04opening night.
17:06You know, somebody once told me
17:07that making movies was easy.
17:08Yeah, yeah,
17:09you know what else is easy?
17:10Open heart surgery.
17:11Oh, yes!
17:13Yeah, thanks for coming, Fwad.
17:14Oh, it's funny
17:15because open heart surgery
17:16is not easy at all.
17:18Yeah, yeah, yeah,
17:18calm down, Fwad.
17:19Oh, oh, oh, oh.
17:20So, without further dudes,
17:22let's watch this thing.
17:23Oh, oh, oh.
17:24At first,
17:27I didn't believe
17:28in women and unicorns,
17:30but that was before
17:31I knew about
17:31the power of chick stuff
17:33and before I knew
17:35vagina hurts.
17:37Sorry.
17:38When vagina was first born,
17:40I had a small heart
17:41and a lot to learn.
17:43Push, honey.
17:44Hurry up
17:44and give me my baby boy.
17:48Cleveland,
17:49more SpaghettiOs.
17:51Oh, good.
17:52A baby.
17:52Oh, no, it's a girl
17:55and I hate girls.
17:56But one day,
17:57vagina went swimming
17:58too soon after eating a sandwich
18:00and this happened.
18:02Help, help.
18:04I'm drowning.
18:05Help.
18:06We gotta get this woman
18:08to surgery time.
18:09Right stat now.
18:11But it was too late
18:13and she died
18:14from a rotten vagina,
18:16Finn.
18:17Well, that was the worst
18:19piece of crap I've ever seen.
18:20Oh, my God.
18:21That was an abomination.
18:22Oh, my God.
18:23He's sick.
18:24My ass is actually sore.
18:26My ass
18:27is actually sore.
18:32Hey, where's Olivia?
18:33Oh, she's probably
18:34up at the house.
18:35Stewie.
18:36Yeah?
18:37It's not your fault.
18:39What?
18:39It's not your fault.
18:41I know.
18:42It's not your fault.
18:43I know.
18:44No, Stewie.
18:45Stewie.
18:46It's not your fault.
18:47Don't do this to me, man.
18:49Not you, man.
18:50It's not your fault.
18:51Screw you.
18:51Cut it out, man.
18:52It's not your fault.
18:54Oh, why is it so hard?
18:56I didn't know it was gonna be so hard.
18:59Oh, oh, oh, oh.
19:00Look, Stewie.
19:01You stood up before God
19:03and all your toys
19:04and you took an oath
19:05to stick it out
19:05when things got tough.
19:07You wanted to see you
19:07as an adult?
19:08Well, this is adulthood.
19:10You're right, Brian.
19:11I can't hide
19:11from this relationship.
19:13It's my responsibility
19:14to deal with it.
19:15I mean,
19:15what kind of a man
19:16would I be
19:17if I ran off now?
19:18Well, you'd be a black man.
19:20Wow!
19:21Wow!
19:22Whoa!
19:22What was that?
19:23Ah, I'm sorry.
19:24I'm sorry.
19:24That was my father talking.
19:26You, uh,
19:27gotta work on that man.
19:29Bad dog.
19:33Sweetie, listen,
19:33I'm sorry.
19:34I...
19:34Oh, Stewie.
19:36I thought you were
19:37at Chuck E. Cheese
19:37with your mom.
19:39No, a four-year-old
19:40died in the ball pit
19:41we had to cancel.
19:43Is that the silly putty
19:44I bought you this weekend?
19:45Stewie,
19:46this isn't what it looks like.
19:47Uh, yeah, Stewie.
19:48I just dropped my...
19:49Ain't nobody talking to you.
19:52Is that the silly putty
19:55I bought you this weekend?
19:58I, you know,
19:58I'm really,
19:59I'm sensing something here
20:00that I should be going.
20:02No, how about you stay here
20:03and I leave
20:04and never come back again?
20:05Stewie,
20:06this isn't how
20:06I wanted it to end.
20:07But you did want it to end.
20:09You've made that
20:10perfectly clear.
20:13Uh, listen,
20:14are you gonna be all right?
20:15Yeah, I'll be fine.
20:17Is that smoke?
20:19Ah!
20:20Idea for a farce.
20:22Cheating wife
20:22and poppers ass
20:23burned alive.
20:24Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
20:25So what happened?
20:36So what happened?
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