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Family-Guy-Season 5 Ep09-Road-to-Rupert-Uncensored.
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00:01Oh, Pete, are you selling your anvil?
00:03Yeah, I've had a lot of good times with this thing.
00:09Oh, a dollar!
00:11Hey there, Chris.
00:12Hi, Mr. Herbert.
00:14Selling your old hand-me-downs?
00:16Yep.
00:17You got anything you used to wear in the summertime?
00:19Just these old shorts.
00:21Sweet Jesus.
00:23You know, Brian, I'm looking forward to getting rid of some of this crap.
00:26Like this movie, Stymie Gruffin, The Untold Story.
00:30It's not a movie at all, Brian.
00:32Just three episodes back to back.
00:34This thing is an insult.
00:35Well, that might be overstating things a little.
00:38It's a middle finger to the fans is what it is.
00:40I tell you, Fox should be in bed.
00:43Give you a dollar for this.
00:44Sold.
00:49Brian, where's Rupert?
00:50I just left him here to watch my things.
00:52Uh-oh.
00:53What?
00:54Nothing, I haven't seen him.
00:55It's not like him to wander off.
00:56Rupert!
00:57Rupert!
00:58Oh, no.
00:59What if he's been kidnapped?
01:00Well, let's just calm down.
01:01I've got to save him, Brian.
01:02What if he's dead?
01:03I don't think I can handle a funeral.
01:07Of all the souls I have encountered in my travels,
01:10his was the most...
01:13Human.
01:14Holders!
01:15Up!
01:25Holy crap!
01:26Evil Knievel gloves!
01:27I bet I could do a wheelie with ease.
01:28How much for the gloves?
01:29Peter, those are yours.
01:30Ten bucks!
01:31Two!
01:32Seven!
01:33Four!
01:34Five!
01:35Five!
01:36Five!
01:37Five!
01:38Five!
01:39Five!
01:40Five!
01:41Five!
01:42Five!
01:43Five!
01:44Five!
01:45Ten!
01:46Sold!
01:47Sucka!
01:48I would've gone to 15 easy.
01:49I am so stupid.
01:50Awesome!
01:51Peter, you can't drive a car over that.
01:52You're gonna get hurt.
01:53Lois, I don't come down to Burger King and tell you how to do your job.
01:54Peter, I don't work at Burger...
01:55I don't work at Burger...
01:56I'm busy.
01:57Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some death to defy.
02:00Wow, this is just like what happened with Matthew Broderick, except no one's dead.
02:28Hey, Joe.
02:29Good morning, Peter.
02:30I'm here to revoke your driver's license.
02:31What?
02:32Why?
02:33We got reckless driving, disturbing the peace, plus the driver of one of those other cars
02:38was a virgin whose hymen was busted by the airbag, so rape!
02:41Okay, well, I guess you can take my license.
02:44Of course, it's all the way up here.
02:45Peter, knock it off.
02:46Give it to me.
02:47Right here, Joe.
02:48Give me the damn license.
02:49Don't you want it?
02:50This is in poor taste, Peter.
02:51You're starting to piss me off.
02:52You're starting to piss me off.
02:53You're starting to piss me off.
02:54All you gotta do is...
02:55You're starting to piss me off.
02:56Oh, man, this sucks.
02:57I got no license.
02:58I can't go anywhere.
02:59Well, this is your own fault, Peter.
03:00And if you want my opinion, a little time away from the bar will do you some good.
03:12I'll show her.
03:13I'll just go to another bar.
03:15We now return to Cheers.
03:17Norm!
03:18And Peter!
03:19Yay!
03:20How's life in the fast lane, Mr. Peterson?
03:22Ruffin.
03:23I can't find the on-ramp, Woody.
03:24He was talking to me, Norm.
03:26Quit stealing my punchlines, you fat drunk.
03:28That show stopped being funny after Kirstie Alley ate Shelly Long.
03:32Oh, man, now I can't even watch TV.
03:34What the hell am I gonna do all day?
03:36It's all right.
03:37It's okay.
03:38I don't need TV.
03:39I'll just make my own sitcom in my head, and I'll give it an upbeat 80s sitcom theme.
03:47This time around, I'm staying at home, and things are gonna get better.
03:53Settling in, loving my wife, but then I got that letter.
03:59My black son, my black son, now each day my heart is getting bigger.
04:05Don't even remember sleeping with that lady, but I did.
04:10My black son, he's coming to stay.
04:13My black son, he's making each day the best that he can.
04:20Also, he's a ninja.
04:26What the hell's wrong with you?
04:28I'm so distraught over losing Rupert, I needed something to calm me down.
04:33This is an entire bottle of NyQuil.
04:35I know, and it's doing wonders.
04:38Come here, puss.
04:40Come here.
04:41Come here, puss.
04:44Here, puss.
04:46What are you...
04:47What are you doing?
04:48Calling the cat.
04:49We don't have a cat, that's a throw pillow.
04:51Why have you brought me to the toy store, Brian?
05:04I'm buying you another Rupert.
05:06Hey, this one's cute, huh?
05:07And if we buy it, they save a real gorilla in the wild.
05:10And if we don't, they kill one.
05:12Wow, these guys are playing hardball.
05:14You can't just take some Korean-made velveteen primate and call it Rupert.
05:17Now come on, this is all time we could be using to find Rupert's kidnappers.
05:21Look, I may as well come clean with you.
05:24Rupert wasn't kidnapped.
05:26I accidentally sold him at the yard sale.
05:29You son of a bitch!
05:39Come on, Stewie, I'm really sorry.
05:40It was an accident.
05:41Damn you, Brian!
05:42How could you sell Rupert?
05:44What you've done is more horrible than sex with Sharon Stone.
05:47Wow, that was great.
05:49One minute I'm filling up at Chevron, and the next I'm having sex with Sharon Stone.
05:53Yeah, now comes the best part.
06:03Ugh, get out of the fridge, Peter.
06:05There is no Peter, only Zool.
06:07I said get out of the fridge!
06:09Alright, alright.
06:10Geez, Lois, I'm just trying to amuse myself since I don't have a damn driver's license.
06:14Look, Peter, it's getting a little annoying having you around the house all the time,
06:18so you'll be happy to know I got you your own personal driver.
06:21My own driver?
06:23Holy crap, that's awesome!
06:24Where is he?
06:25She's right here, Peter.
06:26Meg?
06:27Yeah, Dad?
06:28I don't mind driving you around so you get your license back.
06:30What?
06:31Lois, this is the best you could do?
06:33Well, it was either Meg or a talking monkey smoking a cigar, but I didn't think you'd like that.
06:37I've already accepted another job.
06:40Lois, you picked the opposite thing that I would like.
06:43That's alright, I would have driven you bananas.
06:46Oh, oh, and he makes jokes. Nice going, Lois.
06:49Dad, are you ready?
06:54What exactly are you trying to do?
06:56It's very simple, Brian.
06:57I've taken DNA from the dollar bill you were paid for Rupert.
07:00Now to check that DNA against the federal database.
07:03Oop, we have a match.
07:04Stanford Cordray, 89 Spooner Street.
07:07Well, that's only a few blocks away. Let's go!
07:16Hello? Hello?
07:19It can't be.
07:20This house is deserted.
07:22He moved.
07:23He's gone.
07:24Rupert's gone.
07:26Wait a minute, look.
07:27The moving truck.
07:30We're not too late.
07:31Hey!
07:32Hey!
07:35Can I help you, gentlemen?
07:36Follow that truck.
07:38Didn't you hear me?
07:39I said, follow that truck.
07:40Oh, I heard you.
07:41What I didn't hear was, please.
07:44Please follow the truck!
07:49I always enjoy traveling, companions.
07:51Let's play 20 questions.
07:53Am I Bo Bice?
07:54Yes, I am.
07:55Well played, worthy adversary.
07:58We're gaining on him!
07:59I'm coming, Rupert!
08:00I'm sorry, but I can go no further.
08:13What?
08:14Why not?
08:15If I enter Connecticut, I'm entering every state that Connecticut's ever been with.
08:19Good luck, brave travelers.
08:24No!
08:25We were so close!
08:31I say, what a bit of serendipity!
08:33Now we've got that fellow's address.
08:34Let's see.
08:35Aspen, Colorado.
08:36Well, you can forget that.
08:38We're not going all the way to Aspen.
08:39What?
08:40But I can't leave Rupert to perish.
08:42For the rest of my life, I'll be as lonely as Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell after the rapture.
08:47Damn it, Jerry. Why are we the only ones still here?
08:49I don't know. We hated all the right things.
08:51Now there's nothing left to hate.
08:52I'm gonna hate that rock.
08:54No, I'm gonna hate that rock.
08:55Let's both hate that rock.
08:56I hate you.
08:57I hate you, too.
09:02Look, Stewie, don't you think at some point you're gonna have to let Rupert go?
09:05I mean, you are getting a little old to have a teddy bear.
09:08Brian, I'm one!
09:09Still?
09:10What?
09:11Look, I'm not going to Colorado. I'm turning around and going home.
09:13Fine, then. I'll go by myself. See you from the back of my milk carton.
09:16Want that on your conscience, Brian? Try explaining this to Lois.
09:20You'll wind up in a dumpster with a bunch of slow, unadoptable greyhounds.
09:23Don't joke about that. That's like the Holocaust to us.
09:26Yeah, well, when greyhounds start running the New York Times and the World Bank,
09:29I'll be more inclined to believe you. Now, are you coming or not?
09:32Fine.
09:33Take to the highway, won't you lend me your name?
09:40Who sings that song?
09:42James Taylor.
09:43Yeah, let's keep it that way.
09:44Aw, this sucks. Can you believe I'm stuck with Meg driving me around?
09:49Dad, it's just you and me in the car.
09:51Yeah, don't remind me. It's bad enough I got a suspended license.
09:54I gotta ride around town with stinky McPoop pants. I want apple juice!
09:58Dad, you left your apple juice at home.
10:00I want apple juice!
10:02You wanna watch SpongeBob?
10:04Yes. With apple juice.
10:07Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.
10:19Thanks for the ride, Bandit. Good luck tapping some of that hot, hot Sally Field tail.
10:27Knock it off, I don't like it any more than you do.
10:31Where the hell are we?
10:32are we? Oh, this is history right here, Brian. Gettysburg, Billy Yanks, the 20th Maine. So
10:41many lives lost, all in pursuit of the ideal that no man should be subjugated because of
10:45the color of his skin. These boys paid the ultimate price here for equality, for humanity.
10:51You're welcome. I'm sorry? I'm just saying, make it worth our while, you know. We wrote
10:56a pretty big check for you folks here, so, um, you know, whatever, it's fine. It's fine,
11:01doesn't matter. Just, uh, I just hope you're making the best of what we gave you here.
11:05I would say that, given the events that preceded it, the couple hundred years or so, maybe we're
11:10about even. Yeah, no, no, we gave more. Hey, Cleveland, who would you rather do, Queen Latifah
11:19or Halle Berry, but she's been dead for six hours? Oh, man, that's a tough one. What'd you
11:26die of? Well, I've seen some bodies that have been dead for, uh, six hours. Some of them
11:30aren't too bad. Oh, then Halle Berry. God, will you guys just shut up back there?
11:35Oh, gross! Will you stop it? Stop it! Hey, guys, check this out.
11:45Hey, Meg, don't be such a hothead. What? Hey, Meg, you sure look hot today.
11:52What? Hey, Meg, I lit your scalp on fire.
11:55Don't worry, I'll put it out.
12:04What the hell is your problem, you dumb bimbo?
12:09Oh, oh, God, stop!
12:11Oh, God, stop!
12:12Oh, God, stop!
12:14Meg, that was awesome!
12:21On the road again
12:23Just can't wait to get on the road again
12:27Life I love is making music with my friends
12:32I can't wait to get on the road again
12:35If we want to get to Aspen, we're going to have to get over those mountains somehow.
12:41Excuse me, uh, how much is it to rent a helicopter?
12:46It's ten bucks an hour, but there's a hundred thousand dollar deposit.
12:49Oh, God, looks like we're walking.
12:51Wait a minute, it says here you accept cash, check, or a jaunty tune?
12:55Well, this rental agreement was drafted back when musicals were culturally relevant.
13:00Unfortunately, that's no longer the case.
13:02Well, I can prove to you that's a whole lot of nonsense.
13:04You may think that song and dance is dated boring and dry
13:11But you might just learn to like it if you give it a try
13:15You could laugh and sing and dance as gaily as an elf
13:19But just in case you don't believe me, ask the man himself
13:24Mr. Kelly, will you show us?
13:26I'll show you
13:27Let's do it!
13:28Good!
13:28One, two, three, four
13:30One, two, three, four
13:31One, two, three
13:32One, two, three
13:33La, la, la, la, la, la
13:34La, la, la, la, la, la
13:35You see?
13:35It's easy!
13:36One, two, three
13:48Oh, my God.
14:18Oh, my God.
14:48Look at me.
15:11I'm dancing.
15:12Oh, my God.
15:27Okay.
15:28You can have the helicopter.
15:29Ryan, be careful,
15:35because the mountains are the same color as the sky.
15:38What?
15:39I said be careful,
15:40because the mountains are the same color as the...
15:43Whoa!
15:45What the hell was that?
15:47I'm practicing my comedy crash.
15:49Well, keep it down, because I'm trying to...
15:50Whoa!
15:51Whoa!
15:51Whoa!
15:51Whoa!
15:52Whoa!
15:53Whoa!
15:54Whoa!
15:55Whoa!
15:56Whoa!
15:57Whoa!
15:58Whoa!
15:59Whoa!
16:00Whoa!
16:01Whoa!
16:02Whoa!
16:03Whoa!
16:04Whoa!
16:05Whoa!
16:06Whoa!
16:07Whoa!
16:08Whoa!
16:09Whoa!
16:10Whoa!
16:11Whoa!
16:12Whoa!
16:13Whoa!
16:14Whoa!
16:15Whoa!
16:16Imagine the dance I'm going to have to do to get our security deposit back.
16:28Oh, my God! Brian, look!
16:31It's Aspen! We made it!
16:33Well, looks like you're going to be reunited with Rupert after all.
16:36And just in time, too. I can't keep my teeth from chattering.
16:40Isn't that fun? I got these at Jack's Joke Shop in South Attleboro, Massachusetts.
16:44Remember, if it ain't funny, it ain't worth Jack.
16:47Ah! Bitch!
16:51Oh, you should have seen what our amazing freakin' daughter did to that guy, Lois.
16:55She kicked his ass! It was like what life did to Dana Plato.
16:58Meg, how could you do that? You should call that man and apologize.
17:02Hey, hey, hey! Don't you talk to her like that! Meg's as cool as the other side of the pillow!
17:09Billy Dee Williams!
17:11Hello, Peter. Welcome to the cool side of the pillow.
17:15You've had a hard day. Rest that weary head of yours and drift on off to dreamland.
17:23Works every time.
17:26Well, this is the place. Looks pretty fancy.
17:29Can I help you?
17:32Uh, yes. My name's Brian. Um, look, to make a long story short, I accidentally sold you a teddy bear back in Rhode Island and I kinda need it back.
17:44Rupert! It's... it's Rupert!
17:46Stanford, who is it?
17:47It's nothing, dear. I'll handle it.
17:49I'm sorry, but that bear belongs to Timmy. Now please leave.
17:53Wait, wait! How about a ski-off?
17:57What?
17:58You heard me. First one down the mountain wins. If I win, I get Rupert.
18:02Interesting. What do I get if I win?
18:04My dog.
18:06Hmm. What can he do?
18:08Uh, if you put peanut butter anywhere on your body, he'll lick it off.
18:14Anywhere.
18:16Hmm. Well, I did go to Choate. All right. It's a deal.
18:20She's the kind of girl who's not too shy. And I can tell I'm her kind of guy. She'd dance close to me like I hoped she would. She'd dance for me like I hoped she would. Something tells me I'm into something good. Something tells me I'm into something good. Something tells me I'm into something good. Something good.
18:44You know, Dad, it's been really great hanging out with you. I know there's probably a million things you'd rather be doing.
18:50Are you kidding, Meg? I've had more fun with you than I did going to see Lost in Translation with Cleveland and Quagmire.
18:57What do you think he whispered to her?
18:59I bet it was just right.
19:01Look, I know sometimes I give you a hard time. You know, calling your names, reading your diary, farting in your cereal when you go to get milk, and then laughing.
19:10She doesn't know she's eating my fart. But you know, Meg, I'm starting to realize I got a really wonderful daughter.
19:17Thanks, Dad.
19:19Peter, good news. Your suspension is up. You can have your license back.
19:23You mean it? I'm free? No more getting driven around? Oh, sweet!
19:28So, I guess this means you don't need me anymore. You'll probably go back to treating me like crap, huh?
19:33Well, maybe just to keep up appearances in front of the family. You know, peer pressure and all that.
19:38But from now on, Meg, you and me are secret best friends.
19:42Who wants a glass of fresh lemonade?
19:44Not me! What I want is a fresh glass of better daughter!
19:49Hey.
19:50Stewie, do you really think you can beat this guy?
20:04Trust me, Brian. I've got a few tricks up my sleeve.
20:07Oh no! If only I had rockets in my skis! Oh wait, I totally have rockets in my skis!
20:28And now I just sit back, relax, and watch my progress.
20:37Tea, sir?
20:38Oh, thank you, Crone. You're so pleasant.
20:42Would you like to check on the race, sir?
20:44Yes, why not?
20:58Well, that's it, I suppose.
21:00Listen, I'm really sorry, Stewie. I know how much Rupert meant to you.
21:04I don't know, Brian. Maybe this is a sign that you were right.
21:07Maybe I am getting too old for Rupert.
21:10I guess I've just got to let him go.
21:13Wow. That's very grown up of you, Stewie.
21:16Hey, dog! Let's go! My dad won you fair and square!
21:20You're not really going to live with them, are you?
21:22No. You're not really over Rupert, are you?
21:25No.
21:26That's what I thought.
21:27Oh, Crone!
21:29How are we going to get out of here?
21:34You still got the starting gun?
21:35Yeah.
21:36Give it to me.
21:38Get out of the fucking car!
21:40Get out of the fucking car right now, man!
21:42Get out of the fucking car!
21:43Do it! God damn it, I'll fucking kill you!
21:45Get out of the fucking car!
21:48Did we just carjack someone?
21:50We sure did, Brian. We sure did.
21:53We sure did.
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