- 2 days ago
Family-Guy-Season 5 Ep02-Mother-Tucker-Uncensored.
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00:00Ah, this is so exciting.
00:07Maybe we'll get lucky and see another crash this year.
00:10Yeah, we can get some souvenirs.
00:12Last year, I got an altimeter and a shinbone.
00:30Yeah, this is boring.
00:39I'd rather be home watching that video from the ring.
00:41Peter, don't.
00:42They say if you watch that video, you die.
00:45Ah, that's a lot of baloney.
00:47Look, there's Mr. Quagmire's plane.
01:00Ladies and gentlemen, keep your eye on the sky for the aerial acrobatics of Captain Glenn Quagmire.
01:06Whoa, gonna need some help here.
01:17Heh heh.
01:18All right.
01:22Wait a minute.
01:23Oh, my God.
01:24Where's Dewey?
01:25Don't panic, Lois.
01:26We'll find him.
01:27I'm good at picking people out of a crowd.
01:28Oh, gosh, this is hard.
01:30Um, yeah, could I get a better look at number two?
01:33And, uh, number four, could you step forward, too?
01:36Okay, uh, number five, uh, look at number one.
01:39Look at him like you haven't seen him in a while and you're happy.
01:42Okay, okay, not too happy, not too happy.
01:44Pull it back, pull it back.
01:45Okay, and, um, number three, could you say,
01:47Julie, I promise to get back on my feet before the baby arrives.
01:51Julie, I promise to get back on my feet before the baby arrives.
01:55He's good.
01:56Yeah, he's good.
01:57He's always good.
01:58Very good, yeah.
01:59Okay, thank you.
02:00Stewie!
02:01Stewie!
02:02Hey, everybody, it's Weeny in the Butt here, live at the Quahog Air Show.
02:05We're all ready for the Weeny sound-alike contest.
02:08I don't know, Butt.
02:09I don't think they can say my catchphrase because they no funny.
02:14Oh, there it is.
02:16And if you think you can say that just like Weeny here,
02:19you could win $97.1 for the cool weekend ahead.
02:23Weeny have a butt.
02:24We-we-weeny have a butt.
02:25Cool weekends in the morning.
02:2797.1 FM.
02:29Cool weekends in the morning with Weeny in the Butt.
02:31WQHG, 97.1.
02:3497.1!
02:3597.1!
02:36We-we-weeny, Weeny have a butt.
02:38In the morning, cool weekends.
02:40FM.
02:41Weeny.
02:42Weeny.
02:43Weeny.
02:44And the butt.
02:45And welcome back.
02:46Excuse me, I gotta find a lost kid.
02:47Can I use your mic?
02:48That's what she said.
02:49Whoa!
02:50You got butt-slam!
02:52Ho-ho-ho-ho!
02:53Listen, I could really use a hand here.
02:55That's what he said.
02:56Butt-slam!
02:58Ha-ha, that's Manic Monkey on 97.1.
03:02Manic Monkey, 97.1.
03:05Cool weekends in the morning.
03:07Oh, weekend long.
03:08Weeny and the butt.
03:09In the morning, in the morning.
03:10On the rate-rate radio.
03:12FM.
03:13Gimme that.
03:14Stewie Griffin, will you please report to the radio booth?
03:17Stewie Griffin.
03:18Hey, that's quite a voice you've got there.
03:20You ever think about doing radio?
03:22Well, uh, I listen to a lot of radio.
03:24Peter and Lois leave the radio on when they go out, so I feel like somebody's home.
03:28Well, here's my card.
03:29Call me if you're interested.
03:30Hey, okay!
03:31We've got our first contestant!
03:33Let's hear Weenie's catchphrase.
03:34Ahem.
03:35Dan-o-funy.
03:37I think we have a wiener!
03:42And that's Dickie the Punchline Donkey on 97.1.
03:45Dickie the Punchline Donkey on Cool 97.1.
03:49Cool weekends.
03:51On the radio.
03:52In the...
03:53Morning.
03:54FM.
03:55Cool.
03:56WQHG.
03:57Cool weekends.
03:58In the morning.
03:59On 97.1.
04:0097.1.
04:01And now back to Roundtable, with Al Michaels, Harold Ramis, Ray Romano, and Kermit the Frog.
04:11These zoning laws are infringing on the rights of citizens.
04:13Ah, if I might interrupt for a minute, I'd like to point out that...
04:15You've had your time, let someone else speak.
04:17I haven't said a word, it was that guy.
04:19Don't look at me, I can't get a word in edgewise.
04:21Hold on, who the hell's been talking this whole time?
04:23That's a hard question.
04:24I can't get a word in edgewise.
04:28Thelma!
04:29Hello, darling.
04:31Oh my god, what a pleasant surprise.
04:33Mom, what are you doing here?
04:35Peter, I left your father.
04:37What?
04:38Wait, wait, hang on a second.
04:39I never see you, and then you finally come visit me and you drop a bombshell like this?
04:43This is just like what happened at the Peanuts reunion.
04:53Stupid song.
04:55What are you looking at?
04:57Yeah, it's me.
04:58Your old punching bag, Charlie Brown.
05:01Everybody wished Snoopy was here.
05:03And Woodstock.
05:04Everybody wished Snoopy and Woodstock was here.
05:07Well, they're dead.
05:08And guess what?
05:10I sold Snoopy the junk.
05:12That's right, he got it from me.
05:14I swear I didn't know how strong it was.
05:17And now he's dead.
05:19They're both dead.
05:21I don't give a crap about Woodstock, but Snoopy!
05:27Get off me, you skank!
05:30I can't believe you left Dad.
05:32I have needs that he didn't satisfy.
05:35And I'm still a young woman, Peter.
05:3782 is the new 74.
05:40I'm putting my fine ass back on the market.
05:43Boy, this is really gonna upset my evil brother, Thaddeus.
05:46This will surely affect my inheritance.
05:49Nyah!
05:53Hi there, I'm Brian Griffin,
05:54and you're listening to The Lunch Hour,
05:56serving up food for the mind.
05:58Today's entree is politics.
06:00What's on your mind today?
06:01The governor's budget?
06:02Stem cell research?
06:03Give us a hot spoonful of your opinion.
06:06Okay, we have a question from Quahog.
06:08Collar, you're on The Lunch Hour.
06:09Can I take your order?
06:10Yes, I'll have a big helping of the pretentious crap.
06:13Whoa, sometimes the crazy ones get through.
06:16Okay, we have Rose from Cranston on the phone.
06:19Welcome, Rose.
06:20Can I take your order?
06:21Um, yes.
06:22That turkey, that raw turkey that you ate off the counter last week
06:25that got Lois mad?
06:27When you pooped that out, was the timer still in there?
06:30And we're out of time.
06:31This has been The Lunch Hour.
06:33Join us next week when our guest will be Gore Vidal.
06:36And remember, life is full of entrees, so don't fill up on bread.
06:40I'm gonna throw you now to Weenie and the Butt in the afternoon.
06:43Weenie and the Butt!
06:4497.1!
06:45In the afternoon!
06:47In the afternoon!
06:48Oh, my God!
06:49WQHD!
06:50Turn it on and rip the knob off!
06:53You're listening to the radio!
06:56Sir, I'm very sorry.
06:58That was this guy I know.
07:00He thinks he's hilarious.
07:01He is hilarious.
07:02I was on my way in here to cancel your show,
07:04but the banter you did with that guy,
07:06well, as we say in the radio business,
07:08if you put that on the radio, people will listen to it.
07:11Make him part of the show.
07:13Oh, you don't want him.
07:14He's not really a professional like me.
07:16Listen, you get that kid in here.
07:18We need more laughs on the show.
07:20Well, I guess he couldn't be any worse than Tim McCarver is at sportscasting.
07:24In my view, as good as the Yankees were in the first half of this game,
07:29that's how as bad they've been now.
07:38Poor Peter.
07:39I know he's having a hard time with this whole divorce thing.
07:42I feel kind of guilty that I'm here looking for a date.
07:45Thelma, stop that.
07:47You have a right to be happy,
07:49and there's a lot of great people here.
07:51Why don't you mingle?
07:52Oh, my God, Lois, you single now?
07:54No, Glenn, I'm here with Thelma.
07:56Who's Thelma?
07:57This is Thelma.
07:58Ewww!
08:00I don't know if this is gonna work, Lois.
08:03I'm a little shy at these types of things.
08:05Oh, you can overcome shyness.
08:07Think of a spider in Charlotte's Web
08:09who had to overcome Tourette's.
08:11I don't know, Lois.
08:15I haven't met a single interesting person.
08:17Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker,
08:19trying to get back on my feet
08:20after having my ass handed to me by my bitch of an ex-wife.
08:23I'm Thelma.
08:24I'll just be going.
08:25Can I get you some punch?
08:27Oh, no.
08:28You see, if you're one of ten million Americans like me...
08:31Like me?
08:32Like me.
08:33With a bladder control problem,
08:35punch just goes right through you.
08:37Ewww!
08:43Hey, didn't hear you come in last night.
08:44Did you have a good time at your prostitute's convention?
08:46Peter, I was just trying to help your mother meet some new friends.
08:49Lois, you're too nosy.
08:51Like that waiter at that restaurant.
08:52And who had the prime rib?
08:54I hardly think that's any of your business.
08:56Come on, Mom, you can't stay in bed all day.
08:59You gotta call Dad and get back together with...
09:01Ah!
09:02Holy crap!
09:04We'll have more on these new developments after this.
09:11I can't believe what I saw in there.
09:13You were messing around in what was basically my first apartment.
09:17Peter, you should be happy for her.
09:19She's just having fun.
09:20I don't see what the problem is.
09:22Tom is a wonderful man.
09:23I don't see the problem either,
09:24but let's go to Ollie Williams for the in-depth analysis.
09:27Ollie?
09:28Ladies all!
09:29Thanks, Ollie.
09:30Over to you, Peter.
09:31Look, this isn't right, you know?
09:32I mean, you guys are like Harold and Maude.
09:34What would your grandchildren think?
09:36I would be remiss in my duty if I did not tell you that the idea of intercourse
09:51the fact of your firm young body co-mingling with the withered flesh, sagging breasts, and flabby buttocks, makes me want...
10:20...to vomit.
10:22Tom Tucker, I forbid you to see my mother.
10:25Peter, you can't talk to Tom that way.
10:27He won a local Emmy for his work with the retarded.
10:30They certainly wanted to hug me.
10:32Maybe in time you will too.
10:33Thanks for watching.
10:34I'm Tom Tucker.
10:35Goodnight.
10:36All right, look, let's get one thing straight, Stewie.
10:45The only reason you're here is that my boss ordered me to bring you on.
10:48All right, this is my show, and it's a serious intellectual hour of discussion, and I want to keep it that way.
10:53Hey, no problem.
10:54All right, in three, two, one, this is the lunch hour with your host...
10:58Hey, what's up, Quahog?
11:00From the station that reaches the beaches, you're listening to Dingo and the Baby.
11:04Dingo and the Baby, 97.1 Quahog.
11:08Oh, baby.
11:10What the hell are you doing?
11:12What the hell does that have to do with anything?
11:14They're just wacky sounds, you know, to liven things up.
11:17D-I-N-G-O.
11:19Dingo and the Baby.
11:25Oh, sexy girlfriend.
11:35Peter, would you stop spying on your mother's date?
11:37I can't stand it anymore, Lois.
11:39I'm gonna put a stop to this.
11:43Hello?
11:44Uh, hello, yes.
11:45This is, uh, this is Tom Tucker's personal physician, Dr. T and the women.
11:50Um, could you tell Tom his contagious penis cancer medicine is ready?
11:54Is this Peter?
11:55Uh, no, it's, uh, uh, Lois.
11:58Uh, Lois, don't crank call my mother.
12:00I'm gonna have to pinch you for that.
12:01Ow!
12:02Peter, don't pinch me.
12:03Ow!
12:04Ow!
12:05Stop it!
12:06Ow!
12:07Damn it!
12:08Cut it out!
12:09Maybe I'll tickle you, huh?
12:10How about that?
12:11No, don't...
12:12Cut it out!
12:13Stop it!
12:14I mean it!
12:15I mean it!
12:16I mean it!
12:17Ah!
12:18Ah!
12:19Ah!
12:20Well, I told you to stop.
12:22I tickle you!
12:23You hit me in the head with a frying pan?
12:25I told you to stop!
12:26I taste blood!
12:27Well, there's a lot of it.
12:32Hey there, champ.
12:33Peter, I know this is all a big adjustment for you, but all I want is for your mom to be happy.
12:38Well, why can't she go back with my dad?
12:39Well, why can't she go back with my dad?
12:41Well, I can't answer that.
12:42But I'm gonna do my best to make her even happier than those kids on three wishes with Amy Grant.
12:47What's your wish, Billy?
12:48Can you cure my cancer?
12:50No.
12:51But how about if Spider-Man gives you a $50 gift card to Sears?
12:55Here, get Will.
12:58You know, I heard a rumor about you today.
13:00You did?
13:01Yep.
13:02I heard you like milkshakes.
13:03Oh boy, do I?
13:05Let's go get ourselves a shake, huh?
13:06Yeah!
13:07I wanna get a milkshake too!
13:09Too bad, go get your own father.
13:15Hey Carl, can I get a carton of smokes please?
13:18Sure, Brian.
13:19And, uh, what's that little rubber mailman you got behind there?
13:22Oh, you like that, huh?
13:23Yeah, does that thing squeak?
13:24Yeah, it does.
13:26Alright, I'll take that, and I'm gonna hurry home and show it to Lois.
13:29Hey!
13:30I'd recognize that voice anywhere!
13:32You're Dingo!
13:33That dog that plays all those fart sounds on the radio!
13:36Awesome!
13:37Oh, yeah.
13:38Yeah, sorry about that.
13:39The show's gotten a little lowbrow.
13:41What are you talking about?
13:42It's like the most hilarious show ever!
13:44Hey!
13:45Can I get your autograph?
13:46My...
13:47Really?
13:48Wow, you're...
13:49Gosh, you're making me feel more important than a dwarf among midgets.
13:52Hey, can you reach the Crispix?
13:54Yes, I can.
13:58How awesome is this?
13:59Going out to dinner with my new family!
14:01Hi, can I help you?
14:02I want...
14:03I want that one!
14:04Alright, hold on.
14:05We'll get you that one.
14:06I want straws!
14:07We'll get you a straw.
14:09You want a kid's meal?
14:10No.
14:11Do you mean yes?
14:12Yes!
14:13Okay, one kid's meal.
14:14And what'll you have, honey?
14:15I'll have a fish sandwich and a Sanka.
14:18Oh, he's adorable!
14:20Say hi to the nice lady, Peter.
14:22Oh, he's shy.
14:23I don't believe in fretting and grieving.
14:34Why mess around with strife?
14:37I never was cut out to step and strut out.
14:42Give me the simple life.
14:44Some find it pleasant, dining on pheasants.
14:48Those things roll off my knife.
14:51Just serve me tomatoes and mashed potatoes.
14:55Give me the simple life.
15:01We now return to the Sunday afternoon movie,
15:03Masturbator and Commander.
15:05Captain, the enemy ship has opened fire on us.
15:09I'll be right out.
15:10Sir, we've already lost ten men.
15:12Hang on.
15:13Sir, don't you think we should return fire?
15:15Yeah, yeah, go ahead and do that,
15:16and I'll meet you up there in like five minutes.
15:18Peter, I've never seen you so happy.
15:21Well, Lois, I never realized what it was like to have a real dad.
15:24I mean, my own dad was such a ball buster,
15:26I guess I just always thought that was normal.
15:28But Papa Tom is so different.
15:30For the first time in my life,
15:32I feel like I have a real family, you know?
15:34I mean, I'm not just going through the motions like I do around here.
15:37Hey, champ, you want to watch Chicken Little?
15:39Yeah!
15:41And what does a chicken say?
15:42Moo!
15:44Why not?
15:45Come on, Ma!
15:47Hey, what gives with a suitcase?
15:49Tom, there's no easy way to say this.
15:51I'll just come right out with it.
15:53I'm leaving.
15:54What?
15:55Leaving?
15:56Why?
15:57Tommy, this has been great,
15:58but I wasn't looking for anything long-term.
16:01I just needed someone to clear all the bats out of my plumbing.
16:05What do we do now, Bill?
16:06We write, Tim.
16:07We write our story.
16:09Goodbye, dear.
16:12It's all my fault!
16:17Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
16:19Nyah!
16:21I know it hurts right now, Peter, but we'll get through this.
16:29You're still my little buddy, right?
16:31Yeah.
16:32Then we'll be okay.
16:33Good night, buddy.
16:34Good night, Papa Tom.
16:35Good night, son.
16:36Good night, Lois.
16:37Good night.
16:38Peter, this is a little strange.
16:40No stranger than when Darth Vader was a meter maid.
16:43Oh, come on, man.
16:44Cut me a break.
16:45I was only in there for like five minutes.
16:47I already started writing the ticket.
16:49You know, I make your annual salary in a week.
16:51Are you happy doing what you're doing?
16:52Cause you're pathetic.
16:54I gotta do it, Karen.
17:06I just...
17:07I gotta take a shot.
17:08That guy...
17:09That guy just got to me today.
17:11You do whatever you think is right, and I'll support it.
17:15I don't really understand it.
17:17What do you want this loan for?
17:19I wanna build a giant space station that can destroy a planet.
17:22I don't know that that would be a good investment on our end.
17:25I mean, I wanna open a sports bar.
17:27Good morning, Quahog.
17:29You're here with Dingo.
17:33And the baby.
17:34And if you're thinking about changing the station.
17:37Ouch!
17:38You slut!
17:40Today we got homeless Hank from the dumpster out back with us.
17:43Hey, I got an idea.
17:44How about the first three women willing to come down and have sex with Hank get free boob jobs courtesy of Dr. John Viner.
17:49Are you reading my mind, man?
17:50Let's go to the phones.
17:51Go ahead, call her.
17:52You're on with Dingo and the baby.
17:54Is this Dingo?
17:57Yes, honey.
17:58What's your name?
17:59Cindy.
18:00With an S.
18:01Ooh, hot.
18:02Oh, yeah.
18:03That's hot.
18:04That is hot.
18:05Tell me something, Cindy.
18:06How would you like to come down here and get naked for us?
18:08Sure.
18:09Whoa!
18:10I think we got a show.
18:12Oh, yeah.
18:13We got a show.
18:14We definitely got a show.
18:15Oh, yeah.
18:16There's a show.
18:17After all, AIDS is a deadly, incurable disease.
18:20But no matter how you come to judge Charles Wheeler and his partners in ethical, moral and in human terms, the fact of the matter is, when they fired Andrew Beckett because he had AIDS, they broke the law.
18:35My God, what is wrong with you?
18:38I swear to God that was supposed to be food fight.
18:43I want some ice cream.
18:44No, Peter.
18:45You finish your food.
18:46You...
18:47Hey.
18:48You...
18:49You get back here right now, mister.
18:50Don't...
18:51Don't you...
18:52Get down from that chair or you're in big trouble.
18:53You...
18:54You put that ice cream back right now.
18:56I mean it.
18:57I am not kidding around.
18:59I am not gonna say it again.
19:02If you put that ice cream in your mouth, you're gonna be in big trouble, young man.
19:06You...
19:07Huh?
19:08Huh?
19:09I hate you.
19:10I hate you.
19:11I hate you.
19:12I want my mommy.
19:13Well, I'm the best you've got.
19:14Alright, so you know the drill.
19:15We're gonna turn on the hot dog cannon and for every hot dog that you catch in your mouth, you get a hundred dollars toward a boob job that you desperately need.
19:26I know.
19:27Okay, here we go.
19:29Oh, a miss.
19:30Oh, you got her in the eye with that one.
19:33Whoa, that one was a teat-seeking missile.
19:36I am looking for Brian Griffin.
19:38Gore Vidal.
19:40I was supposed to do the lunch hour.
19:43Uh, this is the lunch hour.
19:45That one felt like my dad.
19:48Incest in the morning.
19:49Suppressed memories.
19:5197.1.
19:52I think I may have made a mistake.
19:55No, no, no, no, no, this is it.
19:57You're in the right place.
19:58Uh, listen, why don't you stick around and talk for a while?
20:01My listeners would love to hear about your new book.
20:03Hundred dollars, boob job!
20:05I'm, uh, gonna go.
20:07Oh, my God, what have I done?
20:10Hey, it's all about ratings, baby, and we got them.
20:12No, it wasn't worth it.
20:14I'm sorry, Stewie, I can't do this anymore.
20:16I'm more of a sellout than you were when you did those Butterfinger commercials.
20:20Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger.
20:23Dough!
20:25What's your problem?
20:28Eh, Papa Tom's being a jerk.
20:30At least he talks to you.
20:32He's my dad, and he hasn't paid attention to me in weeks.
20:35Well, all in all, you should be thankful.
20:37I think the Kennedys had a kid like you, and they had it put to sleep.
20:40Hey, Peter, I'm sorry about that business with the ice cream.
20:43I guess I'm just still a little torn up about your mom.
20:46But, hey, I'll make it up to you.
20:47Let's play catch.
20:48Okay.
20:52Wait a minute.
20:53You know what?
20:54I think you should play catch with Jake.
20:56Really?
20:57Yeah.
20:58I had a taste of what it was like to have a real father.
21:00I can't make him share his.
21:02Well, all right, Peter.
21:03Come on, Jake.
21:04Huh.
21:05I guess I've learned a little something about what it means to be a good dad.
21:08Hey, Dad, do you want to play baseball?
21:10Oh, my God.
21:11Could you leave me alone?
21:12You are the neediest kid.
21:14I can't believe you gave up our show.
21:17Yeah, sorry.
21:18I wonder who they got to replace us.
21:21It's magic hour with dark chocolate.
21:24And the ride.
21:25In ride we trust.
21:2797.1
21:29Diggity-diggity-doo.
21:38Wh expands, wins, wins, wins.
21:39That was great.
21:40family.
21:41Malise Macabre.
21:42besonders.
21:43You.
21:45o
21:49All right.
21:50All right.
21:51What!
21:51You.
21:52All right.
21:53Go.
21:53Go.
21:54Go.
21:54Everybody.
21:55Now you can talk more...
21:57Go.
21:58Go.
22:02Go.
22:03Go Redブ.
22:03Go.
22:03Go.
22:03Go.
22:04Go.
22:04Go go.
22:05Go.
22:06Go.
22:07Go.
22:07Go. fácil.
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