- 2 days ago
Family-Guy-Season 5 Ep13-Bill-and-Peters-Bogus-Journey-Uncensored.
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00:00this was such a great idea for a weekend activity well i thought it'd be good to get out of the
00:06house i don't like the kids being around that racist sunflower that's growing in our yard
00:11hey boy don't you come walking by this house you're ignorant
00:18hey mr eel you're slippery oops got away
00:24left my hands smelling funny come here jesse smell my finger
00:30hmm today was a good day hey look kids it's a recreation of the lost city of new orleans
00:50dad was there ever a real city of new orleans no one knows chris no one knows
00:55hey brian look i'm a stripper i'm working my way through college i should be more reluctant to
01:04take my clothes off but i'm not because my stepfather had boundary issues
01:10hey there mr octopus i see you got two eyes but not much else we can fix that let's give you a nice
01:18tweedly little mustache here and maybe a big old dumb guy smiley mouth and a couple of eyebrows with
01:25one raised up like you say and say what oh look who's got pimples and right before the big dance
01:35help it's so sucky and squeezy i'll handle this i've tangled with the likes of these before
01:41wow that was awesome mr sheamus that was nothing that's how i caught old woody over there
01:59in other news former president bill clinton was in town today to judge quahog's annual miss cankle usa contest
02:06now that's a cankle where does the calf fat end and the ankle fat begin who knows that's the fun
02:16brian what is this on my shoe my poop that's right and it's disgusting i am sick of you using the front
02:23yard as your bathroom it's time you learn to use the toilet like everyone else i'm gonna sneeze i'm gonna
02:28sneeze i'm gonna sneeze i'm gonna sneeze bye lois i'm going to the gym okay see you wait what since
02:40when do you go to the gym well it's just that whole thing at the aquarium made me realize i'm completely
02:45out of shape i mean what if i run into that octopus again peter that's ridiculous ready for round two man
02:51i got all day hey is that your wife hey i didn't know you guys work out here yeah it's a weekly
03:01regimen come on come on cleveland push it come on come on push it push it push it come on it's all you
03:05it's all you it's all hey glen glen glen glen glen glen will you guys quiet down i'm trying to
03:11concentrate on my cardio
03:13hey uh you guys the trainers here why look barnaby a new recreation enthusiast we'll start
03:22off your workout with vigorous calisthenics executed in rhythmic time with acetate pressings of the new
03:27musical craze called jazz steak and eggs and eggs and steak that's what you should have for breakfast
03:36delicious steak and eggs and eggs and steak just making sure you heard i got it
03:47how do you think it works i have no idea look lois told me i had to start using the toilet and you're
03:52the one who's had potty training so i'm counting on you to help me all right we're two intelligent
03:57guys we can figure this out what's that big back part maybe that's where the wizard lives who operates
04:04this thing it would be wise not to anger him i wonder what this thing is for brian be careful
04:09with that we don't know what it does all right here goes oh god oh god careful careful careful careful
04:22don't mind me you guys i'm just writing a letter to my boyfriend dear my boyfriend thank you for
04:29making out with me recently on purpose that was cool those flowers that you totally sent me were
04:35really pretty just like you said i am love meg meg you are so full of crap you're like those people
04:42who sit in starbucks and publicly write on their laptops hey getting some writing done there buddy
04:48yeah setting up in public so everybody can watch me type my big screenplay me too all real writers need
04:54to be seen writing otherwise what's the point right you should totally write that down okay will you watch me
04:59hello flabby out of shape family check out my bulging rippliness peter you've been to the gym once
05:05for 15 minutes and i'm 15 minutes stronger brian i'd rip a phone book in half but for the life of me
05:11i don't know anyone who uses a phone book anymore so i'll use meg's laptop
05:15uh look at him in that tank top he looks more pathetic than john merrick when he went on match.com
05:31there's no way you're a size six
05:36ah i haven't felt this good in years i feel like arnold schwarzenegger without the fruity accent and the
05:41the pirates of the caribbean wife excuse me sir secret service i wonder if we might ask for your
05:48assistance yeah what's the problem we're with president clinton's motorcade it seems he blew
05:53a tire in front of your house boy that guy is really horny isn't he would you happen to have
05:57a jack we could borrow you don't need a jack i am a jack come on i'll lift that thing for you
06:04hey i appreciate your help man we're a little overloaded because i'm having a fat chick party
06:08back here all right girls i've turned off the ac first one to have a beat of neck sweat reach their
06:15butt crack wins all right boys now watch how this is done the key is to put it all in your groin and
06:20your back take your legs totally out of the equation lift with your lower back in a jerking twisting
06:26motion oh my god call an ambulance all right so which one of y'all ain't got my herpes yet
06:37how's the hernia peter you know what the worst part of it is lois i thought i was just out of
06:42shape but that ain't it at all i gotta face the fact that i'm just getting old knock knock
06:48mr president what are you doing here well i felt so bad that peter hurt himself fixing
06:52my car i wanted to stop by and extend my good wishes wow bill clinton hey uh can i get a picture
06:58of you on my cell phone sure you know where i got that nipple ring old straddling madeline
07:04albright gave it to me say you look like you're pretty down peter it's just that i'm starting to
07:10realize i'm not as young as i used to be i hear you after my bypass i remember wondering if it was all
07:15downhill from there but then i realized it doesn't have to be you're only as young as you feel i don't
07:21know reagan i wish i could believe that i'm gonna make you believe it when you get out of here i'm
07:26gonna take you out and show you the time of your life and by the time we're done i promise you're
07:30gonna feel like a young man again well if you really think it'll help i sure do know what else will help
07:36a little saxophone therapy
07:50you can have me
08:12what's that well since i couldn't help you learn to use the toilet i found something that can
08:16it's an instructional video on toilet training hi i'm roy scheider and today we're going to learn
08:22to use the potty folks say hi to my pal hungry hank how's it going hank i'm hungry for your poo
08:29don't make me starve remember it's not really about pushing as much as just relaxing and letting your
08:39body do what it does naturally what the hell what the hell what the hell oh
08:46now here's susan st james to help me wipe all right peter we got a big day ahead of us i'm gonna
08:52show you that age is just a state of mind come on hop in my limo wow a limo shotgun
09:03watch the screen not your feet bill shut up i got it number 32 oh no a pizza's ready tag out man tag out
09:10i'm a barbie girl in the barbie world wrapped in plastic it's fantastic come on barbie let's go
09:19party ah ah ah yeah oh boy this is gonna be fun i haven't made a crank call in years
09:28quiet quiet it's ringing hello hello is this linda trip yes you shouldn't have talked you stupid
09:34bitch i hope you die boy that uh that wasn't really a crank call that was that was just unpleasant
09:42sorry about that yeah it's okay you know what bill you were right ever since you and i have been hanging
09:48out i feel 20 years younger you've completely changed my life see i told you peter age is just
09:54a state of mind so what do you want to do next go to mars dude boy i'm getting kind of hungry me too
10:05hey hey pull over man pull over
10:10dude check it out there's a pig behind that fence
10:16oh yeah i see it dude we could eat that pig what dude come on we could totally eat that pig
10:24we could we could do it man we could it'd be so easy man it would take like a minute could it really be
10:29that fast peter that pig could be in our stomachs in like one minute and then we could win it and then
10:36we could do other stuff all right i'm starved let's do it
10:43who's there oh crap go go go go go go
10:54doggone it if he wanted a pig why didn't he just take my wife
10:58and now ladies and gentlemen mr conway twitty
11:10there's no need in going over all the things that took me on
11:23hello old friend
11:26ah ah what the hell no no you do not go on this lawn brian i've had enough of this it's more
11:33disgusting than when you gave me that christmas gift oh what is it a little birdie
11:39uh oh my god it's dead brian oh oh brian this is disgusting oh my god get it out of here
11:48i'm i'm sorry i thought i thought you'd like it brian i love it i'm gonna call you a sticky head
11:55i love you a sticky head brian if you're not gonna use the toilet there's only one solution
12:01hey brian did you know that brad pitt is john lifgow's nephew he is no but doesn't that sound
12:06like something that could be true oh my god you're wearing a diaper you look silly why you wear a diaper
12:12yes but i'm a baby people see my diaper and they say oh how cute i bet he smells like baby powder
12:17they see your diaper and think ew that dog is sick he must be dying i hope it doesn't leak on our
12:22carpet why don't they just put him to sleep you know at this point i'd probably welcome that oh hey
12:26come on man you just gotta get used to it hey have you gone yet have you popped your butt cherry you
12:31know you should be more sensitive to my humiliation you remember how bad you felt when you drew that
12:36picture for peter and lois oh stewie it's wonderful this is going right up on the fridge really the fridge
12:43it's like we have a little michelangelo in the house okay see you guys later
12:52i almost lost it when you said to put it on the fridge i know i mean what the hell is it
12:56supposed to be a pelican or a school bus looks like muhammad ali drew this what a dumbass hey let's
13:02spit on it peter oh oh lois oh oh let me make you some coffee
13:13oh boy a pig can we keep it oh it bit me what the hell did you and bill do last night we lived
13:24lois we lived our lives peter that former president clinton is nothing but a bad influence i forbid you
13:31to hang out with him anymore no way bill clinton makes me feel young not like you with your judd
13:36hirsch sweater in your bag of worthy's originals well if he won't listen i'm just gonna have to go
13:42talk to bill clinton myself mr president i need to have a word with you well you certainly are very
13:53persuasive so i've been told hey you up for a little nafta what's that another afternoon fucking that ass
14:06what the hell was i thinking i don't know what came over me oh god what am i gonna do hey bill
14:14you up for a little bowling i swiped some money out of lois's purse i don't think she'll notice because
14:18she's here humping you peter look i know this looks bad and i feel horrible and and i know nothing i
14:26could say to you could possibly justify why i slept with bill except i mean peter the man presided over
14:33the longest economic expansion in u.s history and he reduced the percentage of americans on welfare to
14:40its lowest level in 33 years 35 years 35 years peter well well i learned something today apparently
14:50there's the side of bill clinton the world knows and then there's the dark sex craze side only i know
14:56i'm so sorry peter lois i think maybe it's better if i stay at quagmire's for a while
15:02i understand hey lois you up for a little exit polling are you asking me what i think you're
15:07asking me well that depends on what your definition of the word jizz is oh god i've been a worse wife
15:14than lorena bobbit when she was married to the thing oh my god where is it where'd she throw it oh god
15:19oh god is this what you're looking for i can't believe lois would cheat on me look peter i know this
15:27is a very difficult time for you but i i want you to know i'm i'm here for you if you need anything
15:33you want me to drag my sack across your face what i'm sorry it's when when one of my lady friends is
15:39upset that's how i that's how i cheer listen peter this is all i know i'm not very good in these types
15:44of situations yeah quagmire i know your heart's in the right place but i need to sort this out for
15:49myself i haven't misjudged someone this bad since my last physical all right
15:55the doctor will be in in a few minutes peter peter are you in there it's me what do you want
16:04honey i just feel awful about this whole situation oh i'm sorry lois you want me to drag my sack
16:10across your face not now quagmire that's all i did i got some mistakes i'll go make us some coffee
16:15peter i think i've got a solution that'll make things right for both of us i'm listening well
16:21the way i figure it the only way to even things out between us is if you have sex with someone
16:25else too you want to get me laid yes peter because i don't want to lose you well it would make us even
16:34all right lois if you really think it'll work trust me it'll work better than the first telephone well
16:39we did it watson what an afternoon we finally perfected the first telephone yeah uh hey listen
16:46somebody called me today uh whoever it was said some very sexual things some very angry sexual
16:53things oh really probably just some teenagers somewhere damn them well that's the thing i mean
16:59there's only two phones in the well in in the world and one of them's in my office and the other's in
17:04your office and those two didn't even exist until about a few hours ago yikes i could use a distraction
17:11right now ladies and gentlemen mr conway twitty i can almost hear the stillness as it yields to the
17:28sound of your heart beating all right peter who's it gonna be who do you want to sleep with
17:41who are we kidding lois this is never gonna work let's just forget the whole thing no honey it's
17:45gotta work just pick somebody and i'll make it happen deep down in your heart of hearts if it could be
17:51anyone in the world who would it be holly berry and margaret anybody i want anybody don't be afraid to
17:58tell me babs my mother yeah what why it was my understanding that there would be no questions asked
18:08i'm just curious it's a little weird look you know what she's hot guilty all right i haven't been so
18:13struck by a woman's beauty since i was ooma thurman's eye wrangler on the set of pulp fiction
18:19no you can't promise something like that i have no idea what you're going to say to me so you can go
18:24ahead and say what you're going to say and my natural response could be to get offended then through
18:29no fault of my own i wouldn't have kept my promise hang on okay
18:38well lois this is an unexpected surprise you and peter should drop by more often
18:44well we were in the neighborhood and peter said let's stop in wasn't that thoughtful will you people
18:49quiet down i'm trying to watch medium you know what daddy's right let's go upstairs where we won't
18:54bother him good all right go medium wish i could talk to ghosts that'd be sweet mom could we sit down
19:03for a second i have to ask you something what is it lois well peter and i have hit a snag in our marriage
19:10i won't go into details but it turns out that the only way to make things right seems to be
19:16it's it's uh oh boy what's the best way to say this um mom would you have sex with peter
19:25of course dear really carter's been most insufferable lately and this would just stick in his craw i like
19:33your freaky spirit but it's your craw i'm after i didn't think you'd be so receptive are you kidding
19:38lois i'm physically starved your father's utterly lost interest he won't even look me in the back of the
19:45head anymore i see well i guess we're good to go then peter are you sure this is what you want yeah
19:52i'll see you at home lois wait i can't do it i can't go through with it you have to peter for the sake
20:06of our marriage screw our marriage i love you really absolutely and i don't care that you slept with
20:12clinton we'll get past it somehow all i know is i don't want to do anything to hurt you oh peter
20:22why are you naked in my house uh why aren't you you're all right griffin
20:32well peter our marriage has suffered a serious trial but i think we can get through it me too lois
20:38it's just gonna take a little work in the meantime i guess i better clear the air with clinton
20:44hey listen bill uh you and i need to have a talk boy you are good you are really good
20:52well look at you
21:01hey
21:08you
21:10yeah
21:11you
21:13you
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