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Family-Guy-Season 4 Ep08-8-Simple-Rules-for-Buying-my-Teenage-Daughter
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00:00so um this is uh awkward but uh have we ever actually you know met i mean you know i don't
00:12even know say for example if you have a room up there you know a room i have a room
00:20you know meg if you kill yourself now you'll probably get a full page in the yearbook
00:24so um you know that's something to think about oh just burped
00:30hi meg you busy saturday night neil you ask me out like once a day and i always give you the same
00:36answer no god i don't think i could have been any clearer the last time i turned him down
00:42ray your mother insulted my steak pozola again neil goldman of quahog rhode island leave me alone
00:50i hate you i hate you anyway your mother insulted i don't care anymore patty after nine seasons i just
00:57don't care maybe you could try not being a bitch
01:08hey mort uh lois and i are out on our date night uh why don't you give me some condoms
01:12and some excedrin my wife's got a headache this big you know it's like from the commercial this
01:19big only it's my junk all right then twelve dollars and 43 cents ah geez that's more of a
01:25ripoff than that breakfast machine i bought
01:42what was the point of all that all it does is shoot you it doesn't make breakfast at all
02:00ah besides i forgot my wallet well that's okay i'll just open up a tab wait a minute what the
02:06hell's a tab does that mean i don't gotta pay well not right now but ah sweet hey while i'm at it
02:11give me all these copies of marie claire you know in case i want to rub out that easy one before i
02:15get lois in the bed tonight kathleen turner's on page 45 kathleen turner let's see how she looks it oh
02:22that's a shame and now back to the kids choice awards with host paula poundstone i choose you
02:30and you and you so come on i said let's go
02:41meg meg i'm hungry there's a granola bar in the cupboard i want it hey hey what's this
02:53what's going on am i talking to myself up there oh my god stewie just shut up and go to bed
02:59do you know what i do meg i spit in your mouth while you sleep finally look mom i've had it i am
03:06not babysitting anymore it's saturday night i could be out having a life meg if you don't want to
03:11babysit anymore that's fine but don't you stand there and lie to me oh meg she torched your ass man
03:18she torched your ass why can't you just hire a real babysitter well i guess we could do that damn i'm
03:24terrible at meeting new people like the time i was on blind date i'm having a great time stewie
03:29me too so uh you're ready to go grab some zar uh yeah
03:40so a wild guess here but from the looks of your arm hair i'm guessing you're italian
03:44all right you guys i got eight crates of epicac from mort all on my tab now whoever
03:54goes the longest without puking gets the last piece of pie in the fridge
04:00okay here we go how's everybody doing good good so far all right all right nothing yet cool cool
04:08you know i don't know if you guys had any of that pie already but that is uh that is some tasty
04:14stuff that's from the uh bake sale that lois would oh one down i know somebody who won't be having any
04:22i'm starting to feel funny well i feel fine i guess i'm gonna oh boy that means i win i get to eat
04:31oh god why didn't anybody tell me oh my god my insides are on for me no please no more no more
04:46dad i'm scared get the phone call 9-1-1-1 lois lois lois get in here
04:55okay okay okay i think it's all gone i think i don't want it i don't want to
05:05peter peter i need you to hold my ears
05:17who wants chowder
05:18what the hell hey meg you better check this out
05:38oh god this is so embarrassing i can't believe this is happening to me uh looks like someone
05:53could use a greeting card to cheer him up i put these on my tab here take a far side one
05:58the vulture thinks he's a cowboy it is kind of funny hey peter uh you got a card for if you
06:04transferred vd to somebody uh let's see here uh yep sorry i accidentally gave you vd yeah that's all
06:11you got is accidental huh all right i'll take it well first let me thank you for answering the ad
06:17now what do you feel qualifies you to be an effective babysitter for stewie
06:24uh yeah uh we couldn't run an ad that said no portuguese but um no portuguese
06:32so i see here you worked for a family for a number of years can i call the uh herculoids for a
06:40reference i'm sorry i don't understand the position has been filled the position has been filled thank
06:50you very much you can go now leave now i didn't think it was going to be this hard to choose a
07:00babysitter yes if only you were this discerning when you picked that happening bruce jenner hairdo
07:05sorry i'm late can i still apply for the job
07:14my god i haven't been this exhilarated since brian took me to see les miserables attention ladies and
07:19gentlemen there will be a slight change in the cast tonight oh no for this evening's performance the role
07:25of jean valjean will be played by kirk cameron oh oh unbelievable oh my god how lucky are we huh
07:34hey stewie what are you doing tonight oh nothing just watching kirk cameron play jean valjean
07:39oh my god cutting up
07:44hey mort do these suppositories come in other flavors peter are you eating those no i'm shoving them up my
07:49butt of course i'm eating them give me a curtain peter it's the end of the month and i'm calling your tab
07:54you owe me 34 000 what oh man how am i gonna come up with that kind of money peter i'm waiting
08:05all right all right listen i got another idea what if i sold you my daughter huh
08:10you drop the tab and your son can have meg what yep all you gotta do is sign this contract are you
08:16out of your mind you can't sell me you fat son of a bitch whoa careful getting this fish off the hook
08:22more she's got some fangs what do you think of that neil daddy bought you a girlfriend excuse me
08:28if anybody's interested i already have a girlfriend there's no way wait what you ready to go honey
08:34you rejected me too many times meg i couldn't wait for you forever besides sisuya thinks my psoriasis is
08:40sexy i can't believe he's over me i can't believe i'm out 34 grand i can't believe it's not butter
08:47stick around more family guy coming up peter how could you have tried to sell our daughter all right
08:58lois i don't want this to ruin our date night so i'll make it up to you oh peter i'm sorry i tried
09:05to sell our daughter yeah you don't know how hard it was to find one of those in english ah tonight the
09:12babysitter comes rupert lovely lidan hmm oh hey lidan hey what's going on how are you yeah oh just me
09:22stewie just uh being myself uh yeah oh well this here oh it's just my package yeah just just uh
09:30just uh my package god delivered it i sign for it world keeps on spinning
09:35oh no oh jenga there it is oh well i guess that's why they call it jenga
09:46stewie you are so cute i can't even stand it oh thank you i'm having a good time too
09:51i hope i don't make any social faux pas like i did at pamela and tommy lee's dinner party hi
09:56sorry i'm late i was visiting my aunt in the hospital she has hepatitis oh sorry
10:12neil is such an amazing guy we just make an absolutely perfect couple you know neil liked
10:17me first and i was gonna go out with him when i was ready to settle for him get your own spaz
10:23all right ladies enough chit chat take it off get in the shower and bounce around for me
10:31sweetie your daddy and i are going to the movies tonight how would you like la don to babysit
10:35yes oh i'm going to wow her tonight rupert i'm gonna be cooler than brian when he hangs out at the
10:40bowling alley that's what i love about high school girls i keep getting older they stay the same age
10:48yes they do yes they do please go out with me i'm just trying to make neil jealous i promise i'll pay
10:57and everything yeah uh that sounds cool but i'm gonna be in the hospital that night
11:01hi gorgeous man oh you must i lock up your tongue with the rest of the silver stewie this is jeremy hey
11:25little man so you're the guy who's been trying to steal my girlfriend what you girlfriend what kind
11:31of sick twisted game are you playing at stewie sounds a little cranky i'll put him to bed ha i got your
11:37hat take that hatless now go back to the quad and resume your hacky sack tourney i'm not gonna lie down
11:43for some frat boy bastard with his damn tiva sandals and his skull bandits and his abercrombie and fitch
11:49long-sleeved open-stitched crewneck henley smoking his sticky buds out of a soda can while watching his
11:54favorite downloaded simpsons episodes every night yes we all love mr plow oh you've got the song
11:59memorized do you so does everyone else that is exactly the kind of idiot you see at taco bell at
12:04one in the morning the guy who just whiffed his way down the bar skank ladder good night stewie
12:09if he wants to throw hands i'll throw hands i tell you how to
12:12oh hey neil and cecilia i didn't expect to see you here meet jake my boyfriend i want some babies
12:28my dad lets me shoot at cats oh hi meg neil and i are celebrating our two week anniversary it seems
12:35like only yesterday he was just a stranger videotaping me through the window big deal he
12:40did that to me three years ago and he gave me the tapes for christmas he gave me dvds the production
12:46values were amazing much better than kramer versus predator you want him back you can't just disappear
12:52for three months and then suddenly decide you want him back you can't have him
12:55well i'm glad neil's over me anyway i'm with jake now right jake maybe someday we'll get married and
13:05you can go up on me neil i want to be your girlfriend what i was wrong to drive you away we belong
13:12together of course i'm understandably skeptical of your newfound affection for me you still got that
13:18contract our dabs drop give me that you don't want to hook up buy me something oh i can't believe
13:34we're going out this is so cool neil neil not not so fast uh meg you need to fulfill your contractual
13:43obligations what are you talking about all right meg according to the contract every night you have
13:50to put on my pajamas my mom's record is 12 seconds neil i think you're old enough go
14:04only darn i thought we could watch a dvd together i picked up the first season of jiminy glick
14:10imagine being that guy for a day colin farrell so i was talking to my wife dixie the other day
14:16and she was saying that you weren't a very good actor and i agreed with her now now why now why
14:22colin why would we both say that all right that's it jeremy must be destroyed
14:30mom mom dad mom is anyone there
14:47uh little man you you in here
15:00i say i think this is how you change a tire but what do i know i'm just a baby
15:08here's your ipod so you can listen to the streaks while you gasp for air
15:13oh the strokes right
15:16boy this was a better acquisition than i thought we may even be able to put in some sorghum this year
15:22so uh anyway um hey i made you a mixtape i don't have a dual cassette player so you know i had to hold
15:33the tape recorder up to the radio so the quality's kind of sucky but you know all the songs describe
15:38my feelings oh i'm sorry stewie i'm just upset jeremy stopped calling me he what that black god oh come
15:48here let me just let me just hold you for a while
15:53stewie no that is a bad place to touch no no no no no no no no but but but but i you i
16:01no more tv well how about no more job hmm you hear that miss fussy britches i shall see you fired damn
16:11you i thought we were going to go all the way and die together like hitler and eva braun
16:18we do everything together yeah yeah you got your poison okay one two three
16:23you you didn't do it you didn't do it either okay okay all right well this time we really have to do
16:30it okay all right okay okay one two
16:38you want me to kill myself and you're not going to you suck you suck you'll suck
16:45hey stewie there's uh something thunking around in the trunk of my car and i can't get in there
16:54because somebody busted the lock you have uh any idea what that's about yeah oh that yes it's this
16:59whole this whole crazy thing hey this is not a barn young lady oh i'm just so exhausted you know i
17:12thought i'd be happy being with neil but i'm not this is horrible oh sweetheart we'll figure some
17:17way to get you out of this brian did you find any loophole in the contract nope it's airtight the only
17:22way out is if neil commits an infidelity well that's it then we gotta find somebody to seduce neil
17:28who me well if not you lois then who beverly d'angelo because i don't think she'd do it and i don't
17:34even know how to get a hold of her
17:36oh hello ladan listen i certainly hope you'll excuse last night's indiscretion
17:44it was just oh my god ladan what's that on your neck
17:52ha
17:54lois oh thank god you're here lois it was all her friends they they were doing marijuana and
17:59heroin and they were taking eczema and touching each other
18:03ladan wake up this instant what i i don't you know what don't bother ladan you are fired
18:11well i really don't know how this happened but i guess this is the last time i get to see you
18:15i i'm gonna miss you little guy oh this is for you she she made me a mixtape oh dear god what have
18:25i done i've made a terrible mistake all right you all said honey oh i can't believe i'm doing this
18:39it's so disgusting but it's for my little girl dad how do you know neil will show up don't worry meg
18:45i sent him an invitation he couldn't refuse
18:53hmm strange these conventions usually have segway parking hello am i too late for the q a yeah but
19:02you're just in time for the t and a mrs griffin what what are you you can call me mystique mrs
19:12griffin this is wrong well well well look at this meg your boyfriend is violating both your contract
19:18and my wife meg i wasn't doing anything mrs griffin was just how you're bending it i don't care you've
19:25nullified the contract i'm free free i don't understand meg you don't want to be my girlfriend
19:33well i thought i did but i guess i was just jealous i see well meg i want you to be with me because you
19:40want to be with me not because you have to thank you neil cecilia it's the gold man how about we fire
19:49up the old segway and find a nice quiet field to do long division in i i mean a nice quiet field in which
19:55to do long division sorry sorry everybody okay i'm on my way he's going back to cecilia i can't
20:02believe i'm actually jealous i can't believe i actually touched him i still can't believe it's not
20:08butter next week i run for mayor a quahog do i have what it takes we'll find out don't miss it
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