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Max must find the secret diary of a retired agent who lives at a rest home for retired spies. Burt Mustin and Ellen Corby guest star as elderly retired CONTROL agents.
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00:00Who is it?
00:18Maxwell Smart, agent 86 of Control.
00:23Well, I see he reached Control headquarters.
00:25Yes, but it's been a long time since we received a message by carrier pigeon.
00:30Yeah, we have to be old-fashioned here in Spy City.
00:33After all, this is a retirement home for secret agents.
00:36Yes. Is this pigeon also retired?
00:39Not yet.
00:40Well, he should be. He couldn't find his way back here.
00:44Well, this is certainly a nice place you've got here.
00:46Well, it's not very much, but I call it home.
00:50Well, I can't tell you how much I've been looking forward to meeting you, Mr. Gaffer.
00:54I'm flattered. I didn't think anyone even remembered who I am.
00:57I remembered you? Are you kidding?
01:01Herbert Gaffer, the world-famous Control Agent No. 4?
01:05Why, my gosh, you're a legend in your own time.
01:09As a matter of fact, I've pattered myself after you.
01:12I've copied your technique and your style.
01:14Sorry about that.
01:18Sorry.
01:19Your message said something about someone trying to break into your room.
01:23Now, why would anyone want to do that?
01:25Probably to steal my diary.
01:27Sorry about that.
01:28Why don't we talk over there, away from the table?
01:40Now, what's all this about a diary, Mr. Gaffer?
01:43Well, I've been keeping a personal diary ever since I first became an agent.
01:47I'm afraid it contains a lot of secret information about our code system and our personnel and the location of all of our control bases.
01:56I'm shocked, you know, to think that someone would want to look at someone else's personal diary.
02:03Well, I want to turn the diary over to control for safekeeping.
02:07That's a good idea, Gaffer.
02:08I have it hidden.
02:09Shall I get it now?
02:10Yes.
02:10Keep talking.
02:17Uh, I'll feel a lot better.
02:19By turning the diary over to you, it'll be much safer in, uh, control headquarters.
02:27There's nobody there.
02:36That's funny.
02:37There's nobody here either.
02:40There's nobody here.
02:41There's nobody here.
02:41There's nobody here.
02:42There's nobody here.
02:43There's nobody here.
02:44There's nobody here.
02:45There's nobody here.
02:46There's nobody here.
02:47There's nobody here.
02:48There's nobody here.
02:49There's nobody here.
02:50There's nobody here.
02:51There's nobody here.
02:52There's nobody here.
02:53There's nobody here.
02:54There's nobody here.
02:55There's nobody here.
02:56There's nobody here.
02:57There's nobody here.
02:58There's nobody here.
02:59There's nobody here.
03:00There's nobody here.
03:01There's nobody here.
03:02There's nobody here.
03:03There's nobody here.
03:04There's nobody here.
03:05There's nobody here.
03:06There's nobody here.
03:07There's nobody here.
03:38Chief, I think I've got it figured out.
03:43Now, see if this makes any sense to you.
03:45Whoever took Gaffer from his room probably wanted his diary.
03:48Right, Max.
03:49And we've got to find it first.
03:51If the information in that diary should ever fall into enemy hands,
03:54it would mean the end of control.
03:56We'd be finished.
03:57Chief, here's the layout for Spy City.
04:01Now, this is the original plan and shows all of the secret rooms, passages, and panels.
04:06Now, this might help give you an idea of where both Gaffer and the diary could be hidden.
04:11Wait a minute, Chief.
04:12This is a little faded.
04:14Shouldn't we activate the magna lamp?
04:17I can see it fine.
04:19Well, we don't want to miss any of the little details.
04:22We don't need the magna lamp, Max.
04:25Well, Chief, it's either the magna lamp or the cone of silence.
04:28Take your choice.
04:28Oh, please, Max.
04:31I don't think I could stand another session with a cone of silence.
04:36All right, the magna lamp.
04:38Right, Chief.
04:38I'll turn it on.
04:42Now, there's a spot where the diary could be hidden.
04:46Where, Chief?
04:47Right there where I'm pointing.
04:49I can't see your finger, Chief.
04:52Can you, 99?
04:53I can't even see you, Max.
04:54Well, I'm standing right next to you.
04:56I think.
04:57Wait a minute, I'll take your hand.
05:00There.
05:02That's my hand, Max.
05:04Good.
05:05Now I can see where you're pointing, Chief.
05:06I'm not pointing now.
05:08I can't even see the plans anymore.
05:09Turn on the lamp.
05:12Turn it off, Max.
05:13I can't find the switch, Chief.
05:16Never mind.
05:17You can look at the plan on your way to Spy City.
05:20If you need any assistance while you're there,
05:22see my old friend, Agent 8,
05:24and use Contact Plan 6.
05:27Right, Chief.
05:28And anything else you might need,
05:30see our retired lab man, Professor Bush.
05:32He was a friend of Gaffer
05:33and might be a good man to look up first.
05:35We'd better hurry, Chief.
05:36Whoever kidnapped Mr. Gaffer
05:37is going to be trying to make him talk.
05:39It's going to be a race
05:40to see who finds that diary first.
05:42Don't worry about a thing.
05:43Nothing can go wrong
05:44once I get a look at the plan for Spy City.
05:46Gaffer, they'll never think to look for you here,
06:15right under their very noses.
06:17Now, are you going to tell me
06:19where that diary is hidden?
06:22No.
06:24Never tell.
06:26Save yourself a lot of pain.
06:28I'm going to find it anyway.
06:29Someone's coming.
06:41That'll keep you quiet.
06:42Just let me get this light on.
06:55I invented most of the devices
06:57you see here in our Spy City Museum.
07:01Yes, well, that's all very interesting, Professor,
07:02but we really don't have time to look around.
07:04You were very close to Mr. Gaffer, weren't you?
07:07Mm-hmm.
07:07Oh, yes.
07:08Herb and I were good buddies.
07:09I sure hope he's okay.
07:13Oh, I invented the first micro dot, you know.
07:17Showed control how they could write
07:19an entire message on one single dot.
07:21Look, here's the first one I made.
07:24Yes, well, that's very nice, Professor,
07:26but what happens if you get a larger message?
07:29Oh, you write smaller.
07:31Yes, and I introduced the first silencer, too, see?
07:39But this looks like an ordinary gun to me.
07:41Where's the silencer?
07:42Right here.
07:43Just before you pull the trigger,
07:46you scream loud as you can,
07:48and that covers the sound of the gunshot.
07:51Um, Professor, we're looking for Mr. Gaffer's diary.
07:55It's very important that we find it.
07:56Do you have any idea where it might be hidden?
07:59Mm-mm.
07:59I didn't know old Herb kept a diary.
08:02Well, thank you very much, Professor.
08:04Uh, just one more thing.
08:06You said you knew some of Mr. Gaffer's friends.
08:09Oh, yes.
08:11They're in the recreation room.
08:13It's this way.
08:14Okay.
08:29Hey, very good.
08:36Those two live on the same floor as Herb Gaffer.
08:40The man is George Newfield,
08:42and the lady is Agnes Davenport,
08:45security agent, 11, retired.
08:48Uh, if you want me for anything,
08:51I'll be in my room.
08:52I'll check out Newfield.
08:55I'll take Agnes Davenport.
08:57I have a way with women.
09:04Uh, pardon me.
09:05Aren't you Agnes Davenport,
09:07uh, Control's former top security agent?
09:09Oh, now, you know who I am.
09:11I saw Bush pointing me out.
09:14Yes.
09:14Well, you can't be too careful about these things.
09:17No, you can't.
09:19And who are you, young man?
09:21Maxwell Smart, agent 86 of Control.
09:23Oh, well.
09:24Now, how do I know you're from Control?
09:27Well, I'll prove it to you.
09:35Okay, you're clear.
09:41It's a good thing for her she's retired.
09:46Max, Mr. Newfield never even heard of Mr. Gaffer's diary.
09:50Oh?
09:51How about you, Tiger?
09:53Diary?
09:54I didn't even know he kept one.
09:56Keep an eye on her, 99.
10:00I don't trust her.
10:03And don't make any sudden moves for your wallet.
10:06Max, I think we'd better search Mr. Gaffer's room.
10:09We will, as soon as I contact Agent 8.
10:11Right.
10:11See you in a few minutes.
10:26Agent 8?
10:42Yes?
10:43Maxwell Smart, agent 86 from Control.
10:45I was told to contact you.
10:46Oh, good.
10:48No one's contacted me in years.
10:50Listen, I have a big backlog of messages here.
10:54Some of them are here when I came.
10:56Pinned to the bulletin board.
10:57The British are coming?
11:12Please notify me immediately if there is any truth to wild rumor that Indians are on the war path.
11:19I can't make out this signature.
11:24Uh, General Custer.
11:27Better get those back to Control right away.
11:30They're probably waiting for them.
11:32Yes.
11:33Well, right now I'm looking for Herb Gaffer's diary.
11:36I don't suppose you know anything about that.
11:37Of course I do.
11:38Oh, everyone here knows about old Herb's diary.
11:42Eh.
11:43Diary.
11:44Gaffer.
11:46Yeah.
11:46I thought I remembered it.
11:48He left this with me.
11:50If anything happens to me and you want to locate my diary, think of this.
11:56Birds of a feather flock together.
11:59That's the lead I've been hoping for.
12:00Birds of a feather flock together.
12:02Well, then that must mean that the diary is hidden somewhere near birds.
12:06And his whole room is filled with birds.
12:09Thank you, Eight.
12:11Don't slam the dartboard.
12:19Well, we've examined all the birds in the room, Max.
12:21I guess the diary isn't here.
12:22Yes, I suppose you're right, 99.
12:25Max, look.
12:27Here's something.
12:28A painting of birds.
12:30I'll bet the diary's behind it.
12:33No.
12:33Not there.
12:35Well, I guess we've run out of birds.
12:37Not quite yet, 99.
12:40We overlooked one thing.
12:43What is it?
12:45A book.
12:48Birds of the USA.
12:50Did you find something?
12:55Yes.
12:56What?
12:56A yellow-bellied sapsucker.
13:00Look.
13:03Uh-uh.
13:04I made the same mistake once before, 99.
13:07It's the wrong drape.
13:08Move your hands up.
13:19Not you, Max.
13:20Oh.
13:23Well, it's our old friend, the handyman.
13:27It's not on him, 99.
13:30So, you haven't found the diary either.
13:32Don't worry.
13:33We will.
13:34Did you hear that, 99?
13:36He said, we.
13:37Yes.
13:38Obviously, he's in this with a friend.
13:40He sure didn't pick his friends too carefully.
13:56Newfield?
13:57Present.
13:58Bush?
13:59Present.
13:59Davenport?
14:00Present.
14:01Present.
14:01Okay, all present and accounted for.
14:08Now, you've all been assigned an area to search.
14:10And I want each of you to be sure to cover your area thoroughly.
14:15I suppose there's a reason why we're searching areas where there are birds.
14:19Yes, Mr. Gaffer left us a clue.
14:22Birds of a feather flock together.
14:24So, Agent 86 is certain that the diary is hidden near birds.
14:28Don't worry.
14:29We'll find it.
14:29Oh, it's great to be back in action.
14:35Is this a complete list?
14:37I mean, are you sure there are no other places around Spy City where birds can be found?
14:41Like, say, right here in this recreation room.
14:44Of course not.
14:45It's impossible.
14:46I made up that list myself.
14:48I know my business.
14:50Yes, I'm sure you do.
14:51Well, in that case, you can cover the last place on the list.
14:54The bird bath.
14:5999, a double agent has just left this room.
15:03You mean that one of those three is also an enemy agent, right?
15:07Wrong.
15:07It's our man on the dartboard.
15:09Agent 8?
15:10But he can't be, Max.
15:12He's such a sweet old man.
15:13Besides, he's helping us.
15:14He's the one that made up the list.
15:16Yes, and conveniently left out one place.
15:18Right here in his own territory.
15:21Do you know what this is?
15:23It's a badminton shuttlecock, also known as a bird.
15:2699, Agent 8 lied when he said those other three knew about Gaffer's diary.
15:30I'm absolutely, positively, completely, and firmly convinced that Agent 8 is the double agent.
15:35Agent 8 is the chief's best friend.
15:37On the other hand, that Agnes What's-Her-Name has very shifty eyes.
15:43I'll tell you what we'll do, 99.
15:45I'll search for the diary.
15:46You look out for Agent 8.
15:48Now, if I don't find anything, I'll put everything back the way it was,
15:51and he'll never know that he was under suspicion.
15:53Right.
15:54Oh, never tell where Diary is, which won't kill me.
16:08Never talk.
16:13Max, did you find anything?
16:15Nothing.
16:16Max, I think I hear Agent 8 coming.
16:18You better put that stuff back in a hurry.
16:21Max, he's coming.
16:24I checked the birdbath.
16:26No sign of the diary.
16:30That'll be all for now, 8.
16:31I'll call you if I need you.
16:33Don't slam the dartboard.
16:34Well, he's not the double agent.
16:40Well, then it must be one of the others.
16:41You'll get your chance to prove it.
16:42Here they come.
16:47Good.
16:47I'll try Maneuver X-14 on them.
16:50But Maneuver X-14's never worked, Max.
16:52Well, there's always a first time.
16:54Besides, it's got a wonderful element of surprise.
16:56Yes.
17:02Newfield, Bush, Davenport, give me an immediate answer to this question.
17:06I want a straight yes or no.
17:07Is one of you a double agent?
17:08No.
17:11So much for X-14.
17:13How about the diary?
17:15No one could find it.
17:16Well, that means that someone has beaten us to it,
17:18or one of those birds is the double agent.
17:21Maybe it still hasn't been found, smart.
17:23There's one way we could be certain.
17:26Oh?
17:26How?
17:27By setting a trap.
17:29Miss Davenport, Professor Bush, and I will tell everyone at Spy City
17:32that you are sure that the diary is still in Herb Gaffer's room.
17:37Then if someone attempts to prowl around and search the room again,
17:41you'll know that it hasn't been found yet.
17:43I like that, Newfield.
17:45But unless we leave the room completely unguarded,
17:47nobody will go near it.
17:48Well, that's part of the trap.
17:49You can use Professor Bush's invisible dust.
17:53Oh, yes, my invisible dust.
18:01But there's nothing in here.
18:04That's why it's called invisible dust.
18:07Five minutes after it's on the prowler's shoes,
18:09it turns black and leaves tracks wherever the prowler has stepped.
18:13That's ingenious, Professor.
18:15Yes, but just one thing, Professor.
18:16Professor, how do you get him to stick his foot into the pail?
18:22The dust is sprinkled on the floor.
18:26Probably right in front of the door, Max.
18:29If you don't mind, 99, I'd like to handle this.
18:32Now, my idea is this.
18:34We sprinkle the dust on the floor right in front of the doorway.
18:37Wait a second.
18:40I'll go do it.
18:41Give me half an hour, and then you can check the room.
18:47We can use that half hour to look for Mr. Gaffer, Max.
18:50Forget about Gaffer, 99.
18:52There's no point in even looking for him.
18:54He's not in his room.
18:55He's not in the recreation hall.
18:57And I have a feeling he's not within 10 miles of Spy City.
19:00Believe me, 99, I have an incredibly keen sense about these things.
19:04Newfield's idea worked.
19:23Now we know for sure that someone's still looking for the diary.
19:26Yes, but this is all very confusing, 99.
19:28The footsteps lead in, and then they lead out again.
19:31We'll just have to follow them until they stop.
19:33This could be dangerous, Max. Do you have your gun?
19:35Yes. We'd better use our silencers, 99.
19:38Why?
19:38Well, after all, this is a retirement community.
19:41I need that, Max.
19:41Well, people go to sleep early here. You don't want to wake everybody up, do you?
20:03Look, 99. He had another pair of shoes waiting.
20:15The old shoe switch.
20:18Yes. That's the second time I've fallen for it this month.
20:23What's the matter, 99?
20:24Nothing.
20:26Didn't you groan?
20:27No. I thought you did.
20:29No, it wasn't me.
20:31If it wasn't me, then it wasn't you.
20:34Then it couldn't be anybody else except that dummy lying over there on the torture rack.
20:40Do dummies grow?
20:43No. Not unless they're in great pain.
20:47That one is.
20:52That's no dummy. That's Mr. Gaffer.
20:54Are you all right?
20:56Fine, I think.
20:5799, get those shackles off.
20:59Mr. Gaffer, we looked everywhere for your diary, but we couldn't find it.
21:02It wasn't near any birds.
21:04Well, birds had nothing to do with it, smart.
21:08They didn't?
21:09No.
21:09Well, the clue was birds of a feather flock together.
21:14Now, you start by eliminating all the unnecessary words, which leaves you with the necessary word.
21:19Now, there are 28 letters in the clue.
21:21I'm Agent 4.
21:23You divide 28 by 4, and you arrive at 7.
21:26Now, there are 6 words in the clue, but only one word with 7 letters.
21:29Feather.
21:31It's so simple, I should have thought of it myself.
21:40Here is the diary, right behind this feather.
21:45I'll take it.
21:48And your guns, too.
21:51Now, take them out very slowly.
21:54Put them right there on the case.
21:56Very carefully.
22:01Now, get your hands up, and back away from the case.
22:05But you're the one that suggested the trap in the invisible dust.
22:08Of course he did, 99.
22:09He deliberately set those footprints, knowing they'd lead us to Mr. Gaffer, and he'd tell us about the diary.
22:14Professor Bush's umbrella gun, right behind you.
22:18Open it up.
22:21The umbrella part is a shield.
22:25Hey, I thought you said this was a shield.
22:28It is, but I just remembered, not against bullets.
22:40Well, I certainly have to give Professor Bush credit.
22:43This is a wonderful gun.
22:46If it doesn't rain.
22:48What I don't understand is why did Miss Davenport and Professor Bush pretend they'd never heard of your diary?
23:05Well, they knew it contained control secrets today.
23:08They wanted to protect my reputation.
23:11That's right, 99.
23:12After all, Mr. Gaffer is still one of the best.
23:16He's my idol.
23:17Did you know that Mr. Gaffer once captured ten killers armed with machine guns?
23:22Would you believe it?
23:23Ten killers with machine guns.
23:25I find that very hard to believe.
23:28Would you believe four killers with knives?
23:30I don't think so.
23:32How about a mean little kid with a pea shooter?
23:35Max, don't you think it's about time we got going?
23:37In a minute, 99.
23:39Uh, Mr. Gaffer, uh, I've never asked anyone this before, but I wonder if you'd mind giving me your autograph.
23:46Certainly.
23:54Sorry about that.
23:58Now, uh, where do you want me to sign?
24:00Oh, right here.
24:09You're welcome.
24:11Come on, 99.
24:12I want to get home as quickly as possible.
24:13Why, Max?
24:14I want to write all this down in my diary.
24:16I want to write all this down in my diary.
24:46I want to write all this down in my diary.
25:03Bye.
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