- 23/7/2025
Max and 99 continue their search for the plans that are not plans. After investigating all of the spies on the ship, Max ends up asking Captain Graumann for help, which turns out to be a big mistake. Harold J. Stone guest stars as Captain Graumann, a KAOS operative.
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00:00Max, what's happening? Answer me!
00:15Listen, 99, this may be a little optimistic, but if I can hold out until morning, at least I can see who's shooting at me.
00:22Max, do you need help?
00:23No, no, I wouldn't come up here, 99.
00:26It's a rotten night.
00:27Hold on, Max, I'm coming right up.
00:30My door's locked from the outside, I can't open it.
00:45Max!
00:49Where are you?
00:51In the water!
00:53Hang on, Max!
00:5599, hurry!
01:14Hang on, Max!
01:16Come on, Max!
01:2999, hurry!
01:31I can't hold on much longer!
01:33Here comes Max!
01:35Max!
01:41Hang on, you're almost here.
01:44Come on, Max, a little further.
01:48Fast work, 99.
01:50Max, can you go through the porthole?
01:52I don't think so.
01:54Can you hang on until I get some help?
01:56Yes, but hurry up, 99.
01:57All right, Max.
01:59Max, would you like an umbrella?
02:00No, 99.
02:01Get the umbrella.
02:02Hurry up, get help.
02:03I can't hang out much longer.
02:04Right, Max.
02:08But, Max, the door's locked.
02:10Shoot it off.
02:13Oh, Max.
02:22Yes, Max.
02:24Yes, Max.
02:25Yes, Max.
02:26Yes, Max.
02:27Oh, Max.
02:30Oh.
02:45Oh!
02:46Oh!
02:50¶¶
03:2099, I'm positive that this is the section of the rail that gave way.
03:33I'm sure you're right, Max, but look, there's not a sign of any damage.
03:35Yes, we'll just put two and two together, and that means...
03:38That someone fixed it quietly during the night.
03:40Or else the entire ship has been replaced.
03:44Well, you have to look at all possibilities, 99.
03:50Did you bring your portable hairdryer with you?
03:54Yes, it's right here.
03:54Let's go and contact the chief.
03:56Right.
03:56Come on, we'll go over here.
04:27this is 99 calling control come in control hello 99 this is the chief give me your report
04:34well here's the situation chief last night someone tried to kill max how is he oh he's fine chief
04:42just fine have you established contact with inspector sohokian he's dead chief dead how
04:48did it happen he was stabbed last night just about an hour after we sailed was he able to
04:53tell you anything well just before he died he tried to tell us something about the plans for
04:57the nuclear amphibian battleship did he tell you who stole them no all he said was that the plans are
05:02not plans what about suspects there's a senorita merendez who's a spanish dancer and there's a
05:09hector picardo a portuguese polo player let me talk to 86 right he wants to talk to you
05:17hello chief this is max max are there any clues
05:37no chief just that clip-clop sound i was telling you about does anyone on board make that noise
05:45everyone on board makes that noise max i think i'll get a helicopter and come out there don't be
05:53ridiculous chief i can handle this case we can't take the chance of those plans for the nuclear
05:58amphibian battleship falling into enemy hands we must find them don't worry chief i'll find them and when i
06:04do i'll contact you well okay but try to keep your identity as secret as possible don't worry chief i know how to be inconspicuous
06:11uh with all this dampness in the air i can never do a thing with my hair
06:22yeah they're wonderful yes especially when it starts to curl up on me
06:26come on 99 let's get out of here
06:33max this was an obvious attempt on your life either that or somebody else was having trouble with this chair
06:49look max they got a radio now what are we going to do i'm going down to see the captain do you think it'll do any good
06:56well i don't know 99 but we've got to take the chance he may know something about the other passengers that we don't
07:01right max look there's grauman's chinese servant
07:08pardon me mate can you tell me where i can find captain grauman
07:13he's got a very bad speech impediment
07:20it's chinese max that's the worst kind
07:27what do you say
07:32in english
07:35oh the captain's in his cabin
07:38well i'm going down there you stay up here and see if you can keep him busy for a few minutes
07:42right
07:44my whole heart
07:49avast
07:51out of starboard
07:52full rudder
07:53watch your stern
07:54uh pardon me captain i wonder if i could have a word with you
07:57come forward sir let me look at you
07:59captain i'd like to
08:00don't be afraid sir this old sea monster has lost most of his teeth a long time ago
08:04yes well
08:0535 years of wind and salt spray in this battered old face
08:09these eyes staring into the blinding sun or inky darkness
08:12but the old walrus hasn't lost his bark
08:15the swab he's still jumping the sound of his voice
08:17heart apart
08:18all full ahead
08:19aren't you going to write any of this down
08:21yes
08:22write it down
08:24uh no captain you see i just wanted to talk with you
08:27wait a minute
08:28aren't you the fellow from the magazine
08:30i don't think i understand you captain
08:32the man from time magazine the one who's going to interview me
08:35i think you've made a mistake sir
08:38of course
08:40it's just that i've waited so long
08:42they've never written me up
08:44nimitz
08:45halsey
08:46rickover
08:47all of them
08:48the admirals
08:49the captains
08:50the commodores
08:51all of them but me
08:53sorry about that
08:54you're sorry
08:55it's easy for you to say
08:56you haven't spent a lifetime at sea
08:58hating it
08:59seasick all the time
09:00the sound of the waves
09:01the constant dampness
09:03the rolling of the ship
09:04up and down
09:06and up and down
09:07and up and down
09:08i'm sorry captain but
09:11do you mind if i sit down for a moment
09:13of course
09:15now what can i do for you
09:17well captain i need your help
09:19but first i must reveal to you some information that is highly confidential
09:23you may consider me the soul of discretion
09:26my name is maxwell smart
09:28i shall never breathe it to another living soul
09:30no sir that's not it
09:34well please continue
09:35well you see i'm a secret agent working for control
09:39control you work for control
09:42you've heard of it
09:43no
09:44captain somebody on board your ship has stolen the plans for the nuclear amphibium battleship
09:52mr smart i can vouch for my crew
09:55i know each man as though he were my own brother
09:58why they're the pick of the scum of europe
10:00you see sir it's not one of your crew it's one of the passengers
10:04whoever it is has already killed two men one right here on board this ship last night
10:09you mean there is a dead person on board my ship
10:13yes sir
10:15hmm
10:16that may be an omen of bad luck
10:18well isn't that kind of an old superstition captain
10:21try telling that to the corpse
10:24captain i've got to get those plans back
10:27so far the killer and thief has only left me one clue
10:30and i haven't been able to do anything with that yet
10:32then what's that sir
10:33well when he walks
10:35he makes a strange kind of a clip-clop sound
10:38a clip-clop sound
10:39a clip-clop sound
10:40yes a clip-clop sound
10:41rest assured sir i shall do everything in my power to assist you
10:44my servant ming can help us
10:46perhaps you've seen him
10:47oh yes the big chinese fella
10:49chinese
10:51good heavens of course he's chinese
10:55i wondered why he was so hard to understand
10:57i thought he had a speech impediment
10:59well thank you very much for your help captain
11:02don't thank me sir
11:03it'll be a pleasure to help you
11:05perhaps it will relieve the monotony of the voyage
11:08and i shall listen for that sound you told me about
11:11yes a clip-clop noise
11:16yes
11:17that clip-clop noise
11:20yes
11:23yes
11:27yes
11:32yes
11:35yes
11:37max
11:52hello 99
11:54i just tried to call you and your line was busy
12:08oh i'm sorry i was cleaning my gun
12:10well be careful anything can happen around here
12:12max did you find out anything from captain grauman
12:15no but he's gonna try and help us
12:17hold it 99
12:20there's a message written on my porthole
12:23must be from 44
12:24max
12:28there's a message on my porthole too
12:30well mine says unless pursued open no doors
12:34and mine says eels can kill not only wound
12:37i think 44 is finally cracking up
12:40max it must be some kind of code
12:41he must be trying to tell us something
12:43but what
12:44max
12:46tell me the first letter of every word in your message
12:49u p o n d
12:52and mine are e c k n o w
12:57and put them all together and they spell
13:01max
13:02up on deck now
13:0444 wants us to meet him
13:06right 99
13:07now listen to me and listen to me very carefully
13:09we've got to get up there and contact 44
13:11but i want you to leave your state room without being observed by anybody
13:15have you got that
13:16right max
13:17i'll see you up there then
13:18right
13:19over and out
13:20and
13:23yes
13:27and
13:29and
13:32and
13:35and
13:38and
13:39and
13:41and
13:42and
13:44and
13:46I don't know.
14:16Forty-four?
14:36Well, we've looked everywhere, Max. I don't think he's up here.
14:38Neither do I.
14:40Who are you looking for?
14:41We're looking for Agent 44.
14:45Forty-four?
14:46What took you so long to get here?
14:48Well, first of all, we had to decode that message you left on the porthole.
14:52Oh, was it hard?
14:53You know, secret messages are one of my specialties.
14:55I've seen harder.
14:57Max figured it out right away.
15:00He did?
15:01Well, you wait until next time.
15:03I've got a humdinger.
15:04You'll never get it.
15:05What is the talking about 44?
15:07What good is a secret message if nobody can understand it?
15:10Listen, 86, I don't have much fun on this job.
15:12I mean, there's no mingling with the glamorous passengers, no deck tennis, no gala evenings at the captain's table.
15:18No, no, not for me.
15:20Take it easy, 44.
15:21Take it easy.
15:22I mean, this spy can only take so much.
15:24Funnels and portholes and sleeping in the cargo hold.
15:28Hiding, always hiding.
15:30I want to come in from the cold.
15:33We understand how you feel, 44.
15:35Well, honestly, we do.
15:36But you've really got to try to get a grip on yourself.
15:40Here.
15:40Hello.
15:4544.
15:48Now, what was it you were going to tell us?
15:50You won't tell them about this back at headquarters?
15:53Oh, of course not.
15:54We understand what you've been going through.
15:55The chief wouldn't like it.
15:57Sometimes it helps to have a good cry.
15:58Try telling that to the chief.
16:00He hates to have his men cry.
16:03No secret.
16:04Now, you're very understanding.
16:06Don't you have some kind of secret information for us?
16:08Oh, yes.
16:09I almost forgot.
16:10You know that Portuguese polo player?
16:12Hector Ricardo.
16:13The one on the wheelchair.
16:14Right.
16:14Well, he's not what he pretends to be.
16:16I knew it.
16:17I knew it.
16:18He's Polish.
16:19Of course.
16:20Portuguese are terrible polo players.
16:22They know something about those stolen plants.
16:24How do you know that?
16:25Well, I was up on deck today taking a little suntan in that smokestack over there.
16:29Ricardo was talking to that senorita Mirandes.
16:32What were they talking about?
16:33About the plan.
16:34He said to her that if you'll help me, I'll make it worth your while.
16:39Go on.
16:39Go on.
16:40What else?
16:40And he said that no one would ever know where the plans are hidden because they weren't planned.
16:44What does that mean?
16:45I think I know.
16:48Well, go ahead and tell us.
16:50I bet you don't think I'm so inept now, do you?
16:53You never said you were inept, 44.
16:55No, no, but I can read between the lines.
16:59What, 44?
17:00Are you going to tell us what you know?
17:02No.
17:0544, I'm warning you.
17:07If you don't tell us what you know, I'm going to tell the chief about your crime.
17:10You wouldn't.
17:13Just try me.
17:16Okay, here it is.
17:19If the plans aren't planned, then they're probably...
17:2299, you stay here and take care of 44.
17:26I'm going after you.
17:27Be careful, Max.
17:29Come on, Juan, for I'll get you out of there.
17:31Hold on now.
17:42Kacala.
17:44Well, I see you can walk.
17:47Not only can I walk, Mr. Smart, but I can also kill.
17:53I'm warning you, get away from that wheelchair.
18:08Missed.
18:09And you're all out of wheelchairs.
18:11Well, what else have you got up your sleeve, Ricardo?
18:16I had a ass.
18:23Max, Ricardo, he's out of his wheelchair.
18:30Yes, and he's been acting very suspiciously.
18:3299, get him into his cabin and keep an eye on him.
18:35I'm going to make a complete report of this to the captain
18:38and see if I can use the ship's radio to contact control.
18:41Right, Max.
18:51Captain, what do you want?
18:53Captain, this is an emergency.
18:54I must use your radio.
18:55You can't get any good stations this far out, Mr. Smart.
18:58If you can't sleep, I suggest you take a pill.
19:00You don't understand, Captain.
19:01I understand that you barge into my quarters without an invitation, sir.
19:05That's what I understand.
19:06Captain, I have to use your shortwave.
19:08I must contact my headquarters.
19:10I believe I have found the man who stole the plans
19:12for the nuclear amphibium battleship.
19:14Have you?
19:15Have you indeed, sir?
19:17Now, this is most interesting news.
19:19And who might that person be?
19:20Hector Bacardo.
19:21The crippled Portuguese polo player
19:23who is not a cripple,
19:24who is not Portuguese,
19:26and who is probably not a polo player.
19:28Oh, villain.
19:29I sense it the moment I set eyes on him.
19:31Mr. Smart, I'll take you to the radio room myself.
19:33What's the matter, sir?
19:42What are you staring at?
19:43Is it my leg?
19:45No, I've seen legs before.
19:47It's that wooden job I'm looking at.
19:50Ah, yes.
19:51A souvenir of my younger years,
19:53when I was still a lad.
19:54You've heard of the great white whale.
19:58That was done by the great white whale?
20:00No, that was done by a small blue convertible.
20:03An automobile accident.
20:05Yes.
20:07And it ruined a promising career as a tap dancer.
20:10But that clip-clop noise.
20:13Ah, yes.
20:13That clip-clop noise.
20:16You mentioned that before.
20:17What is it again?
20:17It's the noise the killer made when he walked.
20:20Certainly, sir.
20:21I'm not under suspicion.
20:23After all, I was on the bridge steering the ship
20:25when that man was stabbed in his cabin.
20:27Then how did you know he was stabbed?
20:30Did I say stabbed?
20:31I meant killed.
20:34Captain Grauman,
20:34I think you and I better have a little talk.
20:40You fool!
20:41Look what you've done!
20:42You've ruined my model!
20:43Out of you, flogged, keelhauled!
20:45I'll sue you!
20:47So that's it!
20:51The nuclear amphibian battleship made into a model!
20:56All right, Grauman, get behind the desk.
20:57Come on, move out.
21:01You'll never get off this ship alive.
21:06Listen, Grauman,
21:07if I don't get off this ship alive,
21:08you're in a lot of trouble.
21:10Of course, I'm in a lot of trouble, too,
21:12but on the other hand...
21:13Excuse me, my phone is ringing.
21:16Hello, 99?
21:17Drop the phone, smart!
21:21Now, wait a minute, Grauman.
21:22You're getting a little out of line.
21:25It's a .45 caliber leg,
21:28and it's loaded.
21:29Of course.
21:31The old gun and the peg leg trick.
21:34That's the second time I've fallen for it this year.
21:37Now say goodbye, Mr. Smart.
21:39Oh, no, things are over, .
21:41Oh, man!
21:41Oh, my God!
21:43Vим!
21:44Oh!
21:44No!
21:44Oh!
21:45Yes!
21:45In front!
21:46Oh!
21:47Oh!
21:47Very little.
21:48Vincent!
21:49Come on!
22:02Ay!
22:02Oh!
22:03Oh!
22:03Oh, yeah!
22:04Oh!
22:05Oh, my God!
22:05Ooh!
22:06Oof!
22:06Good shot, 99.
22:12Max, it was Captain Grauman.
22:14Yes, one of the most clever and ingenious villains I've ever encountered.
22:19It was he who stole the plans.
22:21Killed our waterfront contact man, murdered Inspector Sohokian,
22:24almost fed me to the sharks, wounded Agent 44,
22:28tried to shoot me with one leg and stabbed me with another.
22:31You know, it's a shame, 99.
22:33All this could have been avoided.
22:35Oh.
22:36If only he had used his leg for good, instead of evil.
22:51Chief, are you sure you want to take the helicopter back?
22:53Why don't you sail back with us, Chief? It'd be a nice rest for you.
22:56No, I want to get that model back to Washington.
22:58I'll leave Larrabee to watch the other passengers.
23:01Larrabee, go below and keep an eye on them.
23:03Good idea, Chief.
23:03Those freelance spies are really a shifty lot.
23:06Well, at least we got Picardo on an attempted murder charge.
23:09Yes, I guess he thought I had the plans and was just waiting for a chance to steal them.
23:12How's 44, Chief?
23:14Oh, he's all right. It was only a superficial wound.
23:16We're going to give him an assignment on land for a while.
23:18Oh, that's good. He's a nice fella.
23:20Yes, he's a good agent.
23:21Chief, he could break that crying habit.
23:25Yes, I told him about that, Chief.
23:27Watch it, Chief. That's where I went overboard.
23:30Oh, really? It looks solid now.
23:32Oh, well, they must have fixed it up.
23:34This is where the bullets hit.
23:35Max! I don't believe some of the things you do!
23:42Max, do something quick!
23:46Hang on, Chief!
23:49Hold on, Max is coming!
23:51Waves up, Chief!
23:54Hold on, Chief.
23:56That's it. Here we go.
23:58Hang on, Chief.
24:00That's it, Chief.
24:01Just a little ways more.
24:02Have you got a good bit, Max?
24:04My hands are slipping, Chief.
24:06I'd better wipe them off.
24:07Go right ahead, Max.
24:08Ah!
24:10Sorry about that!
24:12Hey!
24:17Hang on, Max!
24:31Hey!
24:32Hey!
24:34Hey!
24:35Hey!
24:48Hey!
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