- anteayer
Max stumbles upon a shoe store that just happens to be a KAOS communications center. Max is followed by a KAOS agent (Conrad Janis) who wants to kill him. The arrival of Max's aunt (Maudie Prickett) and uncle (Charles Lane) further complicates matters.
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00:00Sorry, sir, but that only comes in brown.
00:10Oh.
00:12Well, I think these will be fine.
00:15Uh, one of them's a little tight.
00:17The left one?
00:18Yes.
00:18In the back?
00:19That's right. How did you know?
00:23You forgot to remove the shoehorn.
00:25How do they feel now?
00:27A little loose.
00:28I think I better put that back.
00:30Sir, you've been in here over an hour now.
00:32An hour? That's funny.
00:34Seems like only about ten minutes.
00:35You must be good company.
00:37You've tried on just about everything in the store.
00:40What's that in the box over there on the counter?
00:43My lunch. Would you like to try that on?
00:46Sir, look, why don't you come back next week?
00:49We're getting a whole new shipment in then.
00:52No, I think these will be fine.
00:54I'll wear them home.
00:55Just take my old shoes and put them in a box.
01:00What's keeping you? I need your help with this coat.
01:12That fool out there. I've tried everything.
01:14They get rid of them.
01:14Well, hurry.
01:15Chaos is paying us the smuggle information,
01:17not sell shoes.
01:25Your box is ringing.
01:26It's a shoe.
01:48A telephone?
01:49Don't answer it.
01:50But all day long, I wonder who called.
01:54There's only one man I know of
01:55who has a telephone concealed in his shoe.
01:57That's a control agent by the name of Maxwell Smart.
02:01You mean that Smart out there?
02:03You think he's wise to us?
02:04Why else is he here?
02:0599, I found them.
02:08There's only one problem.
02:10They only come in brown.
02:12Well, look,
02:13why don't you meet me at my apartment
02:15and we'll go to dinner on the concert from there.
02:17Good.
02:18Oh, and 99,
02:19tell the chief I'm still looking for the spy ring.
02:22No, nothing yet.
02:24I just have no idea where they are.
02:26Right.
02:27See you later.
02:27He must know this is our headquarters,
02:29unless it's just a crazy coincidence.
02:31We can't afford to take any chances.
02:43Here's your old pair, sir.
02:44Oh, thank you.
02:47And please, call again.
02:59Couldn't get him.
03:00Customer.
03:02All right, let me have it.
03:04Now, you stay here and don't worry.
03:06I'll get Smart.
03:14I'll get Smart.
03:44Hi, Chief.
04:13Max, what happened to you?
04:14Some guy tried to run me down on a car.
04:17Luckily, I jumped aside just in the nick of time and leaped for his running board.
04:20What happened?
04:21They don't make running boards anymore.
04:24Max, what have you found out about Chaos' headquarters?
04:28Isn't that top security information, Chief?
04:31Yes, Max.
04:33What, you don't expect me to talk about it right out here in the open like this?
04:36I demand the cone of silence.
04:39Max, do we have to?
04:40Well, with vital information like this, of course we have to, Chief.
04:43Okay, you win, Max.
04:46Hodgkins, lower the cone of silence.
04:52Now, what did you find out?
04:54Nothing.
04:56Hodgkins, raise the cone of silence.
04:58If you had nothing to report, why did you insist on lowering that?
05:02Well, Chief, rule 13 says that if you have vital information...
05:05Max, why do you always have to live by the rules?
05:08Because rule 27 says that you must always live by the rules of the book.
05:12All right, never mind.
05:13Someday I'll learn.
05:15Well, it's all right there in the book, Chief.
05:16All right, Chief, all you have to do is look.
05:17Max, don't think I haven't made progress on this case.
05:20I've been working on it day and night, and I've checked out every single suspicious character in the city.
05:26And?
05:27I have everything, all the information, right here in my dial-a-fact.
05:31Your what?
05:31My dial-a-fact, Chief.
05:33It's a little something that I built in the lab.
05:35It's a great thing for secret agents who are tired and on the go.
05:38How does it work?
05:40Well, it's really quite simple, Chief.
05:41You see, I just dial a letter for the information I want.
05:44For example, I dial-a-c.
05:48There we are, right at my fingertips.
05:50Now, A is for assassins.
05:51This lists all the chaos assassins known all over the world.
05:55That's very ingenious, Max.
05:56Now, let's try B.
06:01There we are.
06:02B is for birthdays.
06:04This lists the birthdays of secret agents all over the world.
06:08And the birthday presents I sent them.
06:10That's amazing, Max.
06:12Yes.
06:12And C is for codes, and D is for secret letter drops, and so forth.
06:16It's marvelous.
06:17What does E stand for?
06:23Everything.
06:26Are you all right, Chief?
06:28It's just a slight medic, Max.
06:29Oh, another one of those, huh?
06:31I have just the thing for it, Chief.
06:32H for headaches.
06:33No, Max.
06:34Never mind.
06:34Just sit down.
06:35As you know, Max, control keeps a tight security reign on the friends and relatives of all our agents.
06:40And we've received a report that your Aunt Bertha and Uncle Abner are coming to town to surprise you.
06:45Oh, that'll be a surprise.
06:46If they find out that you're a control agent and spread the word, you will be of absolutely no value to us any longer.
06:54Chief.
06:55Well, I just want to impress upon you the importance of keeping your occupation a secret from your uncle and aunt.
07:00I'm sorry, but that's the way it has to be until they leave town.
07:03Now, what's your cover story?
07:04Which one?
07:04The one you gave your uncle and aunt.
07:07What did you tell them you were doing for a living?
07:09My gosh, Chief, I don't remember.
07:11You don't remember?
07:13What about the files, Chief?
07:14Don't we keep a full record of all the cover stories?
07:17Right.
07:17Just let me get my copy of the cover file.
07:20Max, do you have a match to melt this seal with?
07:22Sure, I'll do it for you, Chief.
07:24There's nothing in here, Chief.
07:35That's right, those papers were lost in that fire we had in the filing room last year.
07:38Yes, I'd forgotten about that fire.
07:40We never did find out how that was started.
07:42No, we didn't.
07:43We suspected it was sabotage.
07:46I'll get it, Chief.
07:50It was probably chaos, Chief.
07:52They always have been jealous of our neat filing system.
07:59These things certainly do get started mysteriously, don't they?
08:03Not too mysteriously.
08:05Don't worry about my cover story, Chief.
08:07A little clever questioning of Uncle Abner and I'll get all the information I need.
08:12What counter-offensive devices do you have in your apartment, Max?
08:15Well, let's see now.
08:17The roll-up rug, the cargo net, desk drawer.
08:20What's that?
08:21Oh, you know the desk drawer, Chief.
08:23That's where you press the button on the lamp and the drawer comes out and hits you in the stomach.
08:26Oh, yes.
08:27What else?
08:28Uh, salsa bottle.
08:29Before your aunt and uncle arrive, be sure you deactivate them so as not to arouse their suspicion.
08:34Here are some leads on chaos headquarters that I got from 99.
08:37Be sure and memorize them and destroy them.
08:39Right, Chief.
08:39Max.
08:50Max.
08:51I'm being careful, Chief.
09:00Max!
09:01I'll get it, Chief.
09:02One of these days, I've got to get that closet cleaned out.
09:19Okay, now it's my turn.
09:24On second thought, I think I'll skip my turn.
09:27Smart chaos wants you destroyed.
09:30Oh!
09:30Who is it?
09:44Surprise!
09:45At Bertha.
09:46And Uncle Abner.
09:49I'll be with you in a minute as soon as I get out of the rug.
09:52The what?
09:52Uh, the tub.
09:54Be sure to dry your hair.
09:55Hold it.
10:01Sit down.
10:02Down.
10:04I'm going to have this gun in my pocket at all times, so you'll be completely covered.
10:09As far as my aunt and uncle are concerned, you and I are old army buddies.
10:12Have you got that?
10:12Yeah.
10:13We flew together in the Luftwaffe.
10:15All right.
10:17No, that's the wrong side.
10:22Aunt Bertha, Uncle Abner, what a wonderful surprise.
10:25Shouldn't I tell you he'd be surprised?
10:27Uh, what brings you to town?
10:28What brings us to town?
10:30Tell him, Abner.
10:31Nice place you got here, Max.
10:34Who's that?
10:34A friend of yours?
10:35Uh, yes.
10:36This is one of my old army buddies, Uncle Abner.
10:39One of my dearest friends.
10:40Uh, Erving.
10:41Victor.
10:42Victor Erving.
10:43How do you do?
10:45How was your trip?
10:46Our trip?
10:47Oh, tell him, Abner.
10:48Good-looking desk you got here, Max.
10:51How do you turn on the lamp?
10:53Uh, just press that button.
10:55Oh.
10:56Don't press that button.
10:58Well, what's wrong with pressing a little button?
11:02What was that?
11:03Just a little device for busy executives.
11:06It hardens the stomach muscles.
11:08What won't they think of next?
11:12Anybody, uh, anybody want a drink?
11:13What's that for?
11:18The head muscles?
11:20What do you do for a living now, Maxwell?
11:23I think he designs amusement parks.
11:25What do you do, Max?
11:29Oh, uh, same old thing.
11:31Uh, of course, I was promoted since I saw you last.
11:34Promoted to what?
11:35Uh, what was I before?
11:37Before what?
11:38Before I was promoted.
11:40You weren't the president of the company.
11:42Well, now I'm not the vice president.
11:44I don't think I understand.
11:45Well, it's a complicated business.
11:47Very much like yours, wouldn't you say?
11:48Very.
11:49Uh, what is your business, Uncle Abner?
11:52I'm retired.
11:55Uh, well, I suppose you people are very tired and want to unpack.
11:58Where are you staying?
11:59We don't know yet.
12:01Oh, Max wouldn't permit you to stay any place but here.
12:03He'd be very insulted.
12:05Thank you, Maxwell.
12:06Didn't I tell you, Abner?
12:10Somebody's at the door.
12:13I'll answer it.
12:20Don't anybody move.
12:21Why not?
12:22Uh, it's just that you make such a nice family picture.
12:30Hello, Max.
12:31Shh.
12:32I've got a chaos spy on my hands.
12:34My aunt and uncle are here and I've got to cover my identity.
12:36I'll wait out here.
12:37You let him out and I'll arrest him.
12:39Right.
12:39Right.
12:41Who was that, Maxwell?
12:42Oh, it was just the maid, Aunt Bertha.
12:44I told her I wouldn't need her today.
12:45But the place is a mess.
12:47I'll call her back.
12:48Aunt Bertha, wait.
12:49Wait a minute.
12:50Oh.
12:52You're the maid?
12:54Uh, the maid.
12:56Oh, yes, I'm the maid.
12:58I was just, um, dusting the crack under the door.
13:01Boy, what you must get an hour.
13:05Oh, uh, well, you see, I was just on my way to a party and, uh, I thought I'd stop by and
13:10ask Mr. Smart if I could skip his apartment today.
13:12Uh, that's right, Aunt Bertha, and I told her it was okay.
13:15As a matter of fact, why don't you take my friend Victor along with you?
13:19Good idea.
13:21Oh, uh, no, no, I can't go.
13:22Uh, what would my wife say?
13:23She can come with us.
13:24Oh, well, she's in the hospital having a baby.
13:26Well, why don't you take them both of us?
13:28There'll be no parties.
13:29If you're paid to clean, you'll clean.
13:32Oh, I can't do that.
13:33You can't?
13:34No.
13:35I'm going to go right down to the manager and have you fired.
13:38Now, you wouldn't do that?
13:40Uh, yes, I'm afraid she would.
13:42Uh, it's all right, Aunt Bertha.
13:43I'm sure she'd be glad to clean.
13:45Don't rock the boat.
13:46We've got a stall till we get Victor out of here.
13:48Fine.
13:49Maxwell, where do you keep your cleaning things?
13:51Uh, upstairs in the utility room, Aunt Bertha.
13:54Come along here.
13:55The very idea of thinking about going to a party until you finish your cleaning.
14:00You will not leave this apartment until it's fricking fast.
14:02Well, if you'll all excuse me, I think I'll go in the kitchen and get a glass of water.
14:05I think I'll go with you.
14:07I'm a little thirsty myself.
14:08And no, no, you stay here and chat with your uncle.
14:10I'll bring you a glass of water.
14:11No, you don't know what kind of water I like.
14:16Uh, I mean, you don't know where the faucet is.
14:18In most apartments, it's over the sink.
14:20Around here, I wouldn't bet on it.
14:22Well, uh, I'll stay and chat with your uncle.
14:24You bring me a glass of water.
14:25I propose we both go to the kitchen.
14:27There's a little something I'd like to discuss with you.
14:30Choose us, Uncle Abner.
14:35Come on, come on, hurry up.
14:36We've got lots to do.
14:37Now, first, we're going to start with the window, right over here.
14:41And then, we're going to do the floors.
14:43Now, the only way to do the floors is on your hands and knees.
14:46All right, put down the bucket.
14:47Punch it down here.
14:50That's it.
14:51Now, this is the only way to do the windows.
14:54Bertha.
14:55Come here a minute.
14:56This is certainly a peculiar apartment.
15:03Yes, and Maxwell's acting very strangely.
15:06Did you notice he never takes his hand out of his pocket?
15:08I wonder if he hurt himself.
15:10Poor thing.
15:14Uh, Uncle Abner, why don't you and Aunt Bertha take your things and go on upstairs?
15:18Why not?
15:19We've been on all the rides down here.
15:20Max, shall I take him in?
15:35Good idea, 99.
15:36Hey, Bertha, the maze threw with the window.
15:39No.
15:40Good, you've finished.
15:42Listen, I've really got to...
15:43Upstairs, next.
15:47All right, Victor, let's go.
15:48Move out.
15:48Come on.
15:49I'm calling control and having you taken in, so you might as well tell me where your headquarters is right now.
15:54Oh, so you don't know.
16:00Max, can I move your clothes from one side of the closet to the other?
16:03Go right ahead, Uncle Abner.
16:06Uh, Uncle Abner, aren't you going to ask about this?
16:09All right, hold it.
16:24All right, Victor.
16:25You and I are going downtown.
16:27Get your hands up and don't move.
16:29The little game is over.
16:31Don't you argue with me.
16:33The game is on again.
16:33Put your hands down and don't move.
16:35First, you'll mop the floor.
16:38Then, I want two coats of wax.
16:41No!
16:42What?
16:43Uh, one coat of wax will be fine, Aunt Bertha.
16:48Maxwell, where do you keep your towels?
16:51Uh, upstairs in the linen closet, Aunt Bertha.
16:53Oh, oh, what's this?
16:56Cut!
16:58Oh, hi, everybody.
17:01Max, your shoe's ringing.
17:07Take a message, Uncle Abner.
17:10Something terrible is happening.
17:12I know, he must be mixed up in something bad.
17:14He's either a bookmaker or a gambler.
17:16Or a musician.
17:17Oh, we'd better follow him.
17:18Oh, do you think we should?
17:19Well, we owe it to the family.
17:20After all, he is your sister's son.
17:22My sister's son?
17:24Well, I thought he was your sister's son.
17:25I don't think so.
17:26I hope not.
17:30I don't care about Aunt Bertha and Uncle Abner.
17:33All I know is that chaos is not going to appreciate the fact that you bungled the opportunity to kill Smart.
17:38Smart poses no threat to us.
17:40He's so busy covering up from his aunt and uncle, he doesn't have time to find out this is our headquarters.
17:53Maxwell.
18:05Aunt Bertha, Uncle Abner, what are you doing here?
18:08Well, why didn't you tell us you worked in a shoe store?
18:10Uh, I thought you knew.
18:11Now that I'm here, I might as well get a pair of shoes.
18:13Uh, yes, well, I know a great shoe store, Uncle Abner.
18:15What's the matter with us?
18:16Yeah, well, we can't fit you here.
18:17But you don't know his size.
18:19Yeah, exactly why we can't fit you.
18:20Come on, Max.
18:21Do you mean you don't want to wait on me?
18:22Please be seated.
18:31Now, exactly what did you have in mind?
18:34Black Oxford 9C.
18:37Black Oxford 9C.
18:40I'll see if we have it.
18:48How do you like that?
18:50He really works here.
18:51Yes, and it's a very nice store.
18:54It certainly is.
18:56Why are we whispering?
18:57Why are we whispering?
19:21What's wrong?
19:24Nothing.
19:25Why?
19:29Okay, here it is.
19:29Let's go.
19:30Don't I get a chance to try it on?
19:31I tried it on.
19:32It fits perfectly.
19:33Doesn't he get two shoes?
19:35Two shoes?
19:36Yes.
19:36He hates to hop.
19:37He hates to hop.
19:39He hates to hop.
19:40He hates to hop.
19:40He hates to hop.
19:41He hates to hop.
19:41He hates to hop.
19:42He hates to hop.
19:42He hates to hop.
19:43He hates to hop.
19:43He hates to hop.
19:44He hates to hop.
19:44He hates to hop.
19:44He hates to hop.
19:45He hates to hop.
19:45He hates to hop.
19:46He hates to hop.
19:46He hates to hop.
19:46He hates to hop.
19:47He hates to hop.
19:47He hates to hop.
19:48He hates to hop.
19:48He hates to hop.
19:49He hates to hop.
19:49He hates to hop.
19:50He hates to hop.
19:51He hates to hop.
19:51He hates to hop.
19:52He hates to hop.
19:52He hates to hop.
19:53He hates to hop.
19:54He hates to hop.
19:54is that you herman it's funny what is it there's something strange going on here
20:19that's the second time this has happened come on
20:21victor ah and bertha uncle abner we didn't know you worked in the store too
20:34two yes maxwell never told us that you both worked in the same store
20:39where is max well he's in the back room getting me my other
20:43hello chief max listen all right smart uh excuse me chief i'll have to call you back later
20:52no hold it hold it there are people out there
21:11uh let's see that was 9c wasn't it
21:15you must have a big call for 9c
21:279c max if it'll make it any easier for you i'll take an 8d
21:42hello chief this is max
21:57their headquarters is in lawson's shoe store
22:02right chief the information was written in code on the inside of the shoes
22:08as a matter of fact when my uncle abner leaves the store
22:12he'll be wearing the plans of a deadly cedar air missile
22:17right chief
22:20sorry about this fellas
22:28here uncle abner 9c's black oxford's maxwell what went on back there
22:38oh nothing aunt bertha just a little discrepancy over salary
22:41are you all right maxwell
22:43all in a day's work aunt bertha
22:45max take your uncle's advice
22:48get out of the shoe business before it kills you
22:50i just can't believe it
23:02i told you he was acting funny
23:04what's the poor thing going to do for a living now
23:07where'll he ever get another job
23:09oh noy maxwell he'll find some other shoe store full of enemy spies
23:12abner i've got a wonderful idea
23:15why don't you take him into business with you
23:17oh recommend him to a friend
23:21i know
23:24why don't you buy the shoe store
23:26it would probably be a steal
23:28that's not a bad idea
23:30and maxwell could run it for you
23:32that's not a good idea
23:34morning aunt bertha
23:36uncle abner
23:37good morning maxwell
23:38your uncle and i are so concerned about your future
23:41oh don't worry about me aunt bertha
23:43i can take care of myself
23:44but maxwell what are you going to do
23:47oh
23:48well uh
23:49i sold shoes before
23:51now i'll uh
23:52sell something else
23:53a good salesman can sell anything
23:54i could sell uh
23:56suits or
23:58i could sell lamps
23:59or
24:00paintings
24:01why
24:01i could even sell couches
24:03oh
24:04oh
24:04oh
24:05get me out of here
24:08why what do you want to do
24:10go on the ferris wheel
24:11i'm a
24:20well
24:34i'm a