Skip to playerSkip to main contentSkip to footer
Honky Kong
  • 6/4/2025
Original Broadcaste Date: July 20th 2012

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00Each time I see a little girl of five or six or seven, I can't resist a joyous urge to smile and say,
00:18Thank heavens, four little girls, four little girls get bigger every day, thank heavens, four little girls, they grow up in the most delightful way,
00:36Their little eyes are endless and appealing, while they will flush and send you crashing through the ceiling, thank heavens, four little girls, thank heavens for them all, no matter where, no matter who, without them, what will little boys do, thank heavens.
01:00Okay, sir, come on, what are you doing? What? This is, this is ridiculous, it is getting so you cannot express your joy of life in the community without people reading some sort of purient intended to it.
01:13Sisters, I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore.
01:30Thank you very much. Thank you. And keep it going. Congratulations to Brisbane.
01:59They won their bid to host the 2014 G20 Summit.
02:08Although, although I was a little disappointed with the way they won it. Have a look at this attack ad they were running about Sydney.
02:15They have the most stupid-looking building in the world.
02:19Stupid.
02:20Stupid.
02:21They have an old and unsafe bridge.
02:24Unsafe.
02:25Unsafe.
02:25The mayor of their city has a funny name.
02:30Clovermore.
02:33Even Barry O'Farrell thinks it's funny.
02:38Pick Brisbane instead.
02:41Mind you, Sydney didn't mind getting their hands dirty either.
02:44Here's their attack ad about Brisbane.
02:46Josh Thomas comes from Brisbane
02:51Enough said really
02:52Disgraceful isn't it
02:55Josh I was only
02:58I didn't know you were in the audience tonight
02:59I'm so sorry
03:02No Josh
03:04It's fine, it's fine, it's fine
03:05No no because in the old days we would joke about this
03:07Oh well there goes the reunion special
03:14Still to come
03:17Trash television stereotypes
03:20Insulting and offensive claim viewers
03:22And the Bolt Report
03:24Continues flying the flag
03:26For right thinking Australians
03:27Now I don't want to panic you this week folks
03:31But we are all going to die
03:32Not through some outside threat
03:35Like global warming or asylum seekers
03:36But from within
03:37Our own bodies are threatening us
03:40We're fat, we're stupid, we're insufficiently insured
03:43And this is making me this
03:46Now it's all very well to acknowledge
03:50We have a health crisis of our own making
03:52But who can we blame for it
03:54The AMA says doctors are working too many hours
03:56Some say we can get more doctors
03:58So they can each work fewer hours
04:00But others say the problem is with the nature of time itself
04:03Isn't that right Dr Enrico Krull?
04:06Well Sean all I'm saying is
04:08Why can't physical science help medical science?
04:10We now have a perfectly good Higgs boson
04:13That could be used to travel backwards in time
04:16Doctors could diagnose the patient
04:18Then hop on the god particle
04:20Travel backwards in time to before the patient contracted the disease
04:23Stop them contracting the disease
04:25Travel forward again back to the original appointment
04:28Which is now free
04:29And see someone else
04:31And so on
04:33Etc, etc
04:34Ultimately all illness would be eradicated
04:38And because the same moment is being revisited over and over again
04:43Doctors would be working fewer hours if any
04:45It would be cheaper for the taxpayer
04:49And since almost nobody would be getting sick
04:51The government would have a reason to close down public hospitals
04:54It's a win-win
04:56Yes but aren't you worried that would eliminate the need for your profession?
04:59Well no I'm a plastic surgeon
05:00There'll never be a cure for vanity Sean
05:03Thanks very much Verity
05:05But what about obesity?
05:07Not only is Australia getting fatter
05:08Australia is getting fatter younger
05:10And low rider jeans with an elasticised waist
05:12Is just not a good look on a dance floor
05:14I can liposuction out that fat
05:16And then inject it back into your lips Sean
05:18Take years off you
05:19I said thank you Verity
05:20But what about obese children?
05:23My colleague and good friend Lee Sales
05:25Had the guts to open an interview on 7.30 with this
05:28Does bringing up an obese son or daughter constitute child abuse?
05:32And close one with this
05:34Mr Palmer thank you very much for coming in tonight
05:36It's a pleasure
05:37Should parents be responsible for what they feed their children?
05:48Sociologist Marie Spoons
05:50Sean
05:51I think parents who are in and of themselves obese
05:55And who feed their children garbage and too much of it
05:59Can't be seen as abusing their children
06:01They're just stupid yeah
06:03And they don't know any better
06:05However parents who are normal or skinny
06:08Who have fat kids
06:09I think should be sent to jail
06:11And made to wear a cage on their head with rats in it
06:14Should we have a tax on junk food
06:182UE road rage shift presenter Marty Scroat
06:21I think that's the problem Sean
06:22We attack the food instead of attacking the people
06:25Who stick it on a fork and stuff it down the throat of our kids
06:29No no no no not a tax
06:30A tax as in TAX tax
06:32My answer's the same regardless of the question Sean
06:35It's the parents whose heads we should be displaying on pikes
06:39After we dismember them
06:40Not the makers of the products who sponsor my show
06:43I agree with Marty Sean
06:47Why demonise the food yeah
06:49A two litre big slam Pepsi Max is fine in moderation
06:54But to give that to a five year old
06:57And a jumbo bucket of popcorn chicken
07:00And then drop him or her off
07:02At a director's cut screening of the human centipede
07:04At a prison that's on fire
07:07That is borderline child neglect
07:10But do we think that unqualified people
07:13Overreacting to the problem with opinion
07:15Rather than fact
07:16Is blunting the message
07:17Friends of the ABC Victorian secretary
07:19Cloris Webber
07:20Happens to be in our audience tonight
07:22Well Sean
07:23The sooner these people realise
07:25That not having the proper perspective on things
07:27Means our children and grandchildren
07:29Will end up looking like
07:31Java the hut dirigibles
07:32Covered in coffer
07:33The sooner we can attack these people
07:35With medieval weapons
07:37And drown them in acid
07:38Thank you Cloris
07:41But blaming the parents
07:42Is only part of the fun
07:43Australia's healthcare system
07:44Is in crisis
07:45Even if we had enough doctors
07:46And we could convince them
07:48Not to waste their expertise
07:49On erectile dysfunction
07:50And hair weaving
07:51And derma fellas
07:52What are you doing?
07:53I'm just liposuctioning the fat
07:59Out of your hips Sean
08:00Give me that
08:01It's my personal private fat
08:05Xanthe Kalamazoo
08:09Paula Mildew has more
08:13On what has become a hot topic
08:15Of considerable warmth
08:17Doctors say lack of sufficient beds
08:20Is a problem
08:20And that if they do take patients in
08:23They have to be tended to
08:24In overcrowded corridors
08:25They say it's inadequate
08:27And something should be done about it
08:29And something is
08:30Over the next five years
08:32The federal government
08:33Will fund the construction
08:34Of six new multi-storey corridors
08:37To be built on public land
08:38Next to hospitals in need
08:40The multi-storey corridor
08:42Has the advantage of being thinner
08:44And cheaper than actually building
08:47New hospitals
08:48And although the corridors themselves
08:50Are only six and a half feet wide
08:52We've done a lot with light
08:53To ensure that this is not noticeable
08:55What are the sorts of things
08:56You've done with the light?
08:57Turned it off mainly
08:58Each corridor can sleep up to 20 patients
09:02That's 144 for the entire building
09:05Double that using the especially designed
09:07Bunk gurneys
09:08And even more if the floors and ceilings
09:10Are removed and the patients
09:12Just tipped in
09:13It's with initiatives like these
09:15That will see Australia's many sick and needy
09:17Taken from the very bottom of the heap
09:19And placed at the top again
09:21And so on and so on
09:23Until they're back down at the bottom again
09:25Paula Mildrew, mad as
09:27So just give the patient
09:38One of these donor cards to fill in
09:39Get him to tick the box
09:41For which organ he's prepared to donate
09:43Liver, kidney, brains, fruit compote
09:46Yeah, doctor
09:47That's the dinner menu
09:49Mrs Kalamazoo?
09:53Yes
09:53Is he alright?
09:54Can I see him?
09:55I'm sorry
09:58We've done all we can
09:59Oh, God
10:01I, uh
10:04I just need your consent
10:06To switch the life support off
10:07Mrs Kalamazoo
10:10There are patients
10:12Who are desperate
10:13For your husband's bed
10:14Yes, I
10:15His bed
10:18It's just going to waste
10:19I mean, yes
10:20He could recover
10:21But that would take a week
10:22And
10:22We need that bed now
10:24So what?
10:26His condition isn't actually critical
10:28I'll be honest with you
10:31Mrs Kalamazoo
10:32We could give your husband
10:35What is called treatment
10:36But that would take resources
10:39Resources that we just don't have
10:40Allocated this week
10:42I mean, just think of how many
10:45Less injured and more lucrative
10:47Patients we could turn over
10:50In the same amount of time
10:51So you want to kill my husband
10:53For the sake of expediency
10:54I know it sounds callous
10:56Mrs Kalamazoo
10:57But if our figures are good this year
11:00We may get a budget increase
11:01What about your Hippocratic oath?
11:04What sort of doctor are you?
11:05Oh, I'm not a doctor
11:07I'm a hospital administrator
11:08We don't need to bother
11:09With oaths and shit
11:10Well, if you're not a doctor
11:13Why are you dressed like that?
11:15Well, people tend to sign
11:17The consent form quicker
11:18If I dress up
11:19Sean
11:21Thanks, Anthony
11:22For that report
11:23It wasn't really a report
11:24Really, it was a sketch
11:25Wasn't it?
11:25Let's be honest
11:26But that's what actors
11:27Pretending to be real people think
11:29And if the success
11:30Of the Shire
11:32Teaches us anything
11:33It's that
11:33We know you want to know
11:36What real people pretending to be actors think
11:38Let's have a look
11:40At the top of the Vox Pops
11:41You charge miserable people
11:54A fortune to make a perilous journey
11:56And when they arrive
11:57They have nothing
11:57There's no way to run a national airline
12:00If I could have any superpower I wanted
12:05I would choose
12:07China
12:10If obesity is child abuse
12:13Explain fat orphans
12:15Well, London's calling
12:18And they're reversing the charges
12:20We'll be speaking to our own
12:21Maggie Bathysphere
12:22Live from our Marshgate Lane
12:23Commentary Box
12:24A little later on
12:25But right now
12:26And here in the studio
12:26Who better
12:27Than to take us on a grand tour
12:29Of the city
12:29Charles Dickens himself
12:30Called the capital of England
12:32The lover of all things London
12:33Gay March
12:34Yes, Sean
12:35I'm getting very excited
12:38About seeing my hometown
12:39On our tellies
12:40Oh, very good
12:41And what part of London
12:43Do you come from, Gay?
12:45Catford, Sean
12:46Yes, it's the jewel
12:47In the drawstring
12:48Of Lewisham's hoodie
12:50Oh, but I knocked around
12:53All of London
12:54When I was a girl, Sean
12:56Dad was a pearly king
12:58And man was a costa girl
13:00With rickets
13:01Yeah
13:02Oh, but London
13:04Is such a lovely city, Sean
13:07Big Ben
13:08What else you got?
13:10You got the Battersea Power Station
13:12Jack the Ripper
13:13The plague
13:15And, of course
13:16Majesty the Queen
13:18And you must be very proud, Gay
13:21That in only a week's time
13:22The whole world will see London
13:23For what it really is
13:24Oh, yes, Sean
13:26From the mountains of Olympus
13:30Brought to England by a princess
13:32And ignited by a god
13:35The Olympic flame returns home
13:38Not since the days of the London riots
13:41Croydon fire back in 2011
13:44Has the city been as excited
13:47By a display of combustible energy
13:49Not that there'll be any trouble
13:52During the games
13:53G4S have been rushed
13:55Training the unemployed
13:56And marginalised
13:57To keep things under control
13:59Soldiers suffering battle fatigue
14:02Have been brought in from Afghanistan
14:04To help out with crowd control
14:06Parking
14:07And tourist information
14:08Even untrained locals
14:11Are getting in on the act
14:12With surface-to-air missile launchers
14:14Being installed on the roofs
14:16Of their flats
14:17And London Mayor Boris Johnson
14:20Couldn't be happier
14:21With London's newest landmark
14:23A new water tank
14:25To be used to dilute London's beer
14:27Even more than it already is
14:29I mean, look at this
14:31It is utterly fantastic
14:32Well, thanks
14:34It looks great, Gay
14:35I bet you wish you were there
14:36Oh, yes, Sean
14:37But me and all me Chinas
14:39I'll be down the Frog and Mama set
14:41Watching it all on pay-per-view
14:44Or tucking into some toad in the hole
14:46And washing it down
14:47With pints of cold tea
14:49I might even take me teeth out
14:52And sing these up Mother Brown, Sean
14:54Oh, you should come, Sean
14:56Yes
14:57Sorry, I can't
14:58Coming up after the break
15:01Spellbinding Gillard
15:03Electrifies New South Wales Labour Conference
15:06While Abbott charms the ladies
15:09At Queensland's LNP convention
15:11Wow
15:18Eighteen years old
15:20And my first day
15:20Helping out my father
15:21At the family business for free
15:23Hey, mate
15:24Here, son, you finish here
15:26I've got to nip downstairs
15:27Do the inventory
15:28Inventory?
15:30Then just do that button
15:30Up in case a customer comes in
15:32Good on, yeah
15:33Downstairs
15:35And button
15:38What does he mean by button?
15:40Winter is the perfect time to come in
15:57And get all your ABC merchandise
15:59Because the air conditioning in here is shit
16:01So pop in
16:02Get yourself a magazine
16:03Or a DVD for summer
16:05So that if you're made redundant
16:07At Christmas time
16:08You've got something to do
16:10Instead of shouting at your family
16:12Or smashing your furniture
16:14Timber offcuts from the Better Roses set
16:17$1.46 per yoghurt container
16:19Simon Gallagher does Metallica CD
16:21Now just $9.87
16:23People love anything with Stephen Fry
16:25We put his face on some Media Watch call sheets
16:28They are walking out the door
16:29Incriminating documentary evidence
16:31Of ABC's left wing bias
16:32$2.69 a ream
16:34Ian McNamara loofers free
16:36So come into the ABC shop
16:39Have a look around
16:40Just like shopping on the internet
16:42Without the convenience
16:43The ABC shop
16:45Also ahead in the program
16:55Tedious rhetoric in lieu of content
16:57From some Labor robot
16:58That's why we introduced the carbon tax
17:00It's a smart tax
17:01It's a brave tax
17:02It's an effective tax
17:04Why don't you just say
17:05It's a smart, brave, effective tax
17:06Why say tax three times?
17:08It's not a very interesting word
17:09And it's a bit negative
17:10That's a good point
17:11It's a fair point
17:12It's a reasonable point
17:13If you're doing it again
17:14You're right
17:15It's a bad habit
17:16It's a dreadful habit
17:17It's an annoying habit
17:18Teachers having inappropriate interpersonal relationships
17:24With their students
17:24It's a story that's far too common
17:26And just as vulgar
17:27Kate Moss
17:28You recorded an interview earlier this week
17:30With a Queensland teacher
17:31With his own uniquely disturbing story to tell
17:33I did, Sean
17:34And let me tell you
17:35That it is both disturbing
17:37And a story
17:38But I think it's one that needs to be told
17:42And recorded
17:43And where is it?
17:50Oh, it's right here
17:51Fuck
17:54Excuse me
17:56Do it myself
17:58Hello?
18:12Is anyone here?
18:15Howdy
18:15You the director?
18:17I am
18:18Good
18:18I've got a tape here
18:19And it needs to be broadcast immediately
18:20Darren, when was the last time you worked full-time as a teacher?
18:29I haven't taught for over 12 months now
18:31And why is that?
18:34About five years ago
18:36I began a sexual relationship
18:38With a woman my own age
18:42Who has nothing to do with the education system
18:45And are you still in that relationship?
18:48Yes, I am
18:49Has your partner considered enrolling as a mature age student
18:53To try and take the pressure off?
18:55Yes, we have discussed that
18:57But I don't want to risk losing her to another teacher
18:59Darren, thanks very much for your time
19:02Thanks
19:03Cheers
19:04The media coverage of the industrial dispute at Coles
19:10Has, in this correspondent's opinion
19:11Been pretty run-of-the-mill
19:12The exception, as always
19:14Has been Sky News
19:15Now, I know we've sung the praises of Sky News before
19:18A couple of weeks ago
19:19And a couple of weeks before that
19:21But I don't apologise for that
19:24Because in terms of fleshing out a story
19:26Digging deep
19:26And providing genuine detail
19:28Sky News is in a class of its own
19:30Here's some overlay from a Sky story on Coles
19:33Some protesters there
19:35And police in attendance
19:36The usual stuff that we see in these reports
19:38But here's where Sky scooped everybody else
19:41Look at this
19:41Shredded cheese is down 25%
19:44Lamb steaks 29%
19:46And home brand milk 22%
19:49That's $450 a year
19:52That's big bickies
19:53Now, some of my colleagues might call that advertising
19:58I call it investigative journalism worthy of John Pilger
20:02And I'll be honest, it's inspired me
20:05Brian Zondonnel, head of marketing for rival Woolworths Australia
20:09Coles have stood down 100 workers at their national distribution centre
20:13What's Woolworths' response?
20:14Well, we've stood down 101 at ours, Sean
20:17We will not be beaten on prices or retrenchments
20:21And I understand that in developments late today
20:24You've also slashed the price on capsicums
20:26Down to $1.50 a kilo, Sean
20:29Will that apply to red as well as green capsicums?
20:31At this stage, yes
20:32Sensodyne toothpaste, just $5.97
20:35And whole grain soft wraps, $2.23 a pack of six
20:38Can you confirm these unbelievable savings?
20:41Yes, I can
20:43And finally, that must add up to quite a substantial saving over a year
20:46It's $451
20:49Large biscuits indeed
20:52Thanks, Brian
20:53Sports next
20:54And Maggie and her team are in the box at Marshgate Lane
20:57With their fingers on the pulse
20:58Maggie, a week out
20:59What's happening there at Olympic Stadium?
21:01Hard to tell, Sean
21:02We've only got a view of the car park from up here
21:05And as you'd expect, a week out
21:08Vans have been arriving to load up the stadium
21:10Bain-Marie's with an assortment of good old-fashioned English fare
21:15Black pudding
21:16Spotted dick
21:17Pickled eggs
21:18All arriving to be warmed up
21:20So the host nation can really show the world a thing or two about international cuisine
21:25Who are these guys, Maggie?
21:27Oh yeah, Sean, this has been happening all week too
21:29I'm guessing London are offering a free brake check and oil change to its guests during the Olympics
21:35They're a friendly lot, the Poms, if you can get past their snooty superior attitude
21:40Always ready to lend a helping hand, you know
21:43And why do you think they're wearing balaclavas?
21:45Oh, a lot of good Samaritans here in the UK, Sean
21:48I'm pretty modest with it
21:49Prefer to do their charity
21:50Oh no, oh hell
21:52Yeah, I'd be checking the warranty on that service, Sean
21:55Maggie, Olympic shooter Russell Mark
21:59Unhappy that he's not allowed to room with his wife Lauren, a fellow shooting competitor
22:03What are your views?
22:04Well, he's one of our coaches
22:06You know, sleeping with her would clearly be inappropriate, Sean
22:09OK, now, separate issue
22:10She's done a photo shoot for Zoo magazine
22:13Don't know if you've seen it, I think we have it here
22:15Oh, bloody hell
22:16Now, isn't this just the same as the Nick Darcy, Kenrick Monk thing?
22:22Oh, well, Sean, they're swimmers posing with guns
22:25She's a shooter posing in her swimmers, different thing
22:27Yeah, but she doesn't shoot in her bikini, does she?
22:33Sadly, no
22:34OK, thanks, Maggie
22:36Thanks, Sean
22:37Thanks
22:37What?
22:41Well, if you're homophobic and not that keen on sport
22:43Then stay the hell away from Budapest this year
22:45From July 31st, the gay games are on
22:48And you can bet Australia will be there
22:49Proving that when it comes to sport and being gay
22:52We can hold our own
22:53Buddy Lamar met some Aussies
22:55Hopeful of victory and filed this report
22:57I thought this was an interview
23:01No, no, no, no, it's a film piece
23:04You should have done this a couple of weeks ago
23:05Go, go, go, go
23:08Sorry
23:08Go, go, go, go
23:09Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick
23:12Three men, two women and one small ball
23:21Sounds like a winning formula
23:23And it is
23:24But like most formula
23:26It needs to be heated up and tested on the back of your wrist
23:29So no one gets hurt
23:30The thing about the gay Olympics is you don't have to be gay to participate
23:33But it does help enormously
23:35It's like the disabled Olympics
23:37You get points based on how affected you are
23:40For example, I'm not gay so I don't get any points
23:43But I'm a good table tennis player
23:45Penny isn't gay so she doesn't get any points either
23:49But a very good player
23:52Tony, also not gay
23:55An excellent, excellent player
23:57No points
23:58Latoya, however, who has a devastating backhand
24:03Came to us on a transfer from the police and firefighting team as a bisexual
24:07Which is worth five points
24:09And our man on the bench, Paris
24:11Is extraordinarily gay
24:14And worth the remaining 45 points
24:16It all adds up to a good team that works well together
24:19I remember a few months ago I was having a crisis of sexuality
24:22I thought perhaps that I was straight
24:24So I talked with the guys about it
24:26And Rolf was really concerned that we'd lose my points
24:29Yeah, we had to compensate
24:31I felt it was unethical to ask Penny and Tony to change their sexual orientation
24:36We'd only just started going out
24:37We were very much in love
24:38And I couldn't do it because I was also seeing Penny
24:41So I asked Paris if he could be more gay
24:44And I just couldn't see how that was possible
24:47So I had to continue being bisexual for Australia
24:50But as with most stories of this length
24:53There's a problem at the halfway mark
24:55And I sound concerned
24:57Paris has told his teammates that in the next 18 months
25:00He intends to have a gender reassignment
25:02So that he can marry his long-time partner
25:05Steve Visar
25:06The marriage will take place in Budapest on the eve of the games
25:11It's romantic, certainly
25:13But because Paris will be legally a woman in Hungary
25:17And in a heterosexual relationship
25:19He will no longer be considered gay
25:22The loss of his valuable points will be fatal to the team
25:26You ring him and you tell him it's off
25:28No, I won't! I won't!
25:30No! No, I won't!
25:35But dreams have a way of working out in the end
25:38Paris will have his gender reassignment
25:41And marry his boyfriend
25:42But he'll have an affair with Latoya
25:45Who has been convinced by Rolf
25:47To become exclusively lesbian
25:49That's an extra 10 points
25:52Handy in the wake of Tony's decision
25:54Following Rolf's revelation about his relationship with Penny
25:57To become celibate
25:58Buddy LeMay on location in a pre-recorded story
26:02Mmm
26:04Should I still be there?
26:11The continuity on this show is appalling
26:14Not coming up because we've run out of time
26:17Solar flares
26:18Are they back in fashion?
26:21And Bob Carr continues to enjoy the support of Labour's faceless men
26:25And finally, let me leave you with this
26:28How much more fun would it have been
26:30Had the CFMEU called itself the FUCME?
26:37Here's tomorrow's talkback
26:38Hello, next caller, you're on the air
26:40Yeah, mate, if they're going to cut half an hour
26:43Of the Olympic opening ceremony
26:44Is there any chance I can make it the last half hour?
26:48Mate, I've got soccer training
26:49Okay, we'll see what we can do
26:51Hi, Sean
26:51Can they find a low-visibility vest for Christopher Pyne, please?
26:55I'm not sure, we'll look into it
26:57Next caller, you're on the air
26:58Yeah, hi, Sean
26:59Hi
26:59Listen, I think Cadell Evans is going to be devastated at not winning the tour
27:02And he's going to go through the seven stages of grief
27:04He's not going to win any of them either
27:07Giant baby
27:08Mm-hmm
27:28You