King Of The Hill Season 3 Episode 18 Love Hurts And So Does Art
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00:00That's a selling point?
00:02Wow, they've got pictures of celebrities on the walls.
00:10Howie Mandel!
00:15What's a K-nish?
00:18Honey, it's pronounced Nish.
00:20The K is silent, and I have no idea.
00:24Stuffed Kishkas?
00:27Kraplach?
00:28Even in my dreams, I never dreamed a place like the Showbiz Deli could exist.
00:35It's food with a punchline.
00:39Tongue?
00:40They're trying to feed us all the animal parts they're supposed to throw away.
00:45Let's go.
00:49Dad, can I at least go to the bathroom before we go?
00:55All right.
00:58Put a Louie Anderson in a bag to go.
01:06I'll leave the money on the hand dryer.
01:08I'll bekiem.
01:10Let's go.
01:10Let's go.
02:12I'm running out of ways to show her that I like her.
02:16I assume you tried throwing utility balls at her head.
02:21I can't ask her to the dance unless I know she likes me.
02:25God, you were lucky.
02:27Connie likes you, so after the dance, you know you're getting a kiss.
02:32And then you'll have a girlfriend.
02:35And then I'll be your nerdy friend who doesn't have a girlfriend.
02:39I'm going to go whack Sharice in the butt with a shovel.
02:44See, Connie wants to go to this dance.
02:47Oh, your first middle school dance.
02:52How romantic.
02:54You'll hold each other close and move in a circle over and over again.
03:00And then if she doesn't pass out drunk on you, well, then the night will end in a clumsy, slobbery kiss.
03:07What about that kiss?
03:09Oh, it'll be magical.
03:12Nothing will ever be the same between you and Connie ever again.
03:16You know, Connie and I practiced kiss once already, and nothing changed.
03:23Yeah, but this is a middle school dance kiss.
03:27This is a real kiss.
03:30Remember, Marie?
03:32I kissed her, and then things got really complicated, and she dumped me.
03:37I thought the pain would never go away.
03:40That was a real kiss.
03:42So you really like the chopped chicken liver?
03:56I love it.
03:58It's meat I can eat with a spoon.
04:01I get it in a drum from a catalog.
04:03It's a lot easier than Italian food like my last place.
04:07Did you know you have to heat up our Italian food?
04:10Well, you've got to melt the cheese.
04:16You know, I'm feeling a lot better.
04:20I think I will have that herring plate after all.
04:23Atta boy.
04:25I thought I was going to have to throw that out.
04:28Oh, yeah!
04:29Peggy?
04:30Huh?
04:30Look, I got an invitation to some kind of art opening at the Dallas Museum of Modern Art.
04:36Now, either Dale's pulling a prank, or you've been sending money to PBS again.
04:43Not me.
04:44They have not got a penny since their cheap mug cut my lip.
04:48On the other hand, maybe it would be fun to go to an art opening.
04:53There'd be new, not-Dale-Bill-Boomhauer people to talk to.
04:57There might even be dancing.
04:59Dancing?
05:00Oh, Bobby, that reminds me.
05:02Connie's mom and I are trying to coordinate dropping you guys off at your middle school dance.
05:06Now, they can fit eight in their minivan.
05:09Do you know if Charisse's hip is healed?
05:11Yeah, I think so.
05:13I gotta go.
05:15Where are you off to, son?
05:16To the mall.
05:18You know, where, um, all those sports fields are.
05:23Yeah.
05:24I'll tell you what, Bobby sure has gotten active lately.
05:28Now, Hank, I think something's wrong.
05:30He's not eating his supper?
05:32And you saw what just happened when I tried to talk to him about the dance?
05:36A 12-year-old boy running off to play rather than talk about prom dresses with his mom sounds pretty normal to me.
05:46Normal.
05:48What do you know?
05:49So then, Bobby, do you want me to slow down some more?
06:02Ow.
06:04Ow.
06:05Ow.
06:07Ow.
06:08So, anyway, maybe you and I could go to the dance.
06:12If you want.
06:13That sure sounds like fun, Connie, but I'm not certain I'm 100%.
06:22I think I stubbed my toe.
06:25That's why I'm wearing my mom's tennis shoes.
06:28Your toe will be better by next week.
06:30Or it could be worse.
06:33I only know that I'll be praying for it to get better so we can go to the dance.
06:39But praying usually doesn't work.
06:43Ow.
06:43Ow.
06:50Oh, thank God.
06:52There'll be ice again.
06:59Luanne, I could use a hand.
07:02Now you put it in the freezer.
07:08Boy, look.
07:11What is it?
07:12Mr. Hill, I'm calling from the Dallas Museum of Modern Art.
07:17Did you receive the invitation to the opening?
07:20Yes, and when I threw it out, I thought you'd get the idea.
07:24Very well.
07:25Well, if you do decide to attend, your parking is free since your photograph is in the exhibit.
07:30My photograph?
07:33What photograph?
07:34I don't know.
07:35I work for the caterer, and we just need to know how much cheese to buy.
07:39How many people?
07:4060.
07:4160.
07:418 pounds.
07:43Bobby, what did I tell you about the funny walks?
07:47Not in the house.
07:49But this isn't a funny walk.
07:51My toe really hurts.
07:53Your big toe?
07:55Uh-huh.
07:56Hmm.
07:58Bobby, now listen to me.
08:00Put yourself in a three-point stance.
08:02From football, Bobby, before the snap.
08:07Oh, yeah.
08:12Bobby, it looks like all that activity you've been up to has finally caught up with you.
08:17You've got turf toe.
08:20What do I do about it?
08:22Well, you play through the pain, and I get to take you to the Heimlich County Sports Medicine Center.
08:29We can laugh at all the people with tennis elbow.
08:40Excuse me, sir.
08:42Did you throw out your elbow playing golf or tennis?
08:45Tennis.
08:47You know, Bobby, we gave you a dumb middle name.
08:52Bobby Hill, Dr. Tannenbaum is ready to see you.
08:57Now, you two go ahead.
08:58I'll be here until midnight filling out these endless damn HMO forms.
09:03Oh, shoot.
09:04I put Bobby down as my own father.
09:07Ugh.
09:08Damn these HMOs.
09:12So, what's it going to be, doctor?
09:15Whirlpool deep heat massage?
09:18Are you just going to tell my son to play through the pain?
09:21Because I'll support that.
09:23Oh, none of that will be necessary.
09:26According to the blood test, your boy here has gout.
09:29Gout?
09:31I...
09:31Guess who filled out all the forms?
09:38Hey, hey, hey!
09:40Ha, ha!
09:49Well, gout occurs when uric acid crystals form in the bloodstream and collect in an extremity.
09:56Like Bobby's big toe.
09:57Now, hold on.
09:58Maybe turf toe was a pipe dream, but gout?
10:02That's an old man's disease.
10:05Hey, I'm not going to tell you it's normal for a 12-year-old boy to get gout.
10:10Well, that happens.
10:12Like that feral boy they found surviving on pig excrement.
10:16What you need to do is quit pumping your boy full of purine-rich foods.
10:20Mm-hmm.
10:21Mm-hmm.
10:23And those are...
10:24Preserved fish, like anchovies or herrings and organ meats.
10:29You know, kidneys, hearts, liver.
10:31The boy's not a ghoul.
10:33He doesn't eat that stuff.
10:35Is there liver in chopped chicken liver?
10:39Because that's what's on a Louie Anderson.
10:41What?
10:42I've been getting it at the showbiz deli.
10:47Bobby's gout will clear up if he stays off those deli foods.
10:51In the meantime, I thought this might help.
10:57Does it come with a hat?
11:02I just can't figure out what picture of me somebody would want to put in a museum.
11:08The only photo circulating in the public is my high school football picture.
11:14Well, it could be anything.
11:16The Internet is full of pictures of each and every one of you.
11:21Of course, you'd know that if you ever visited my website.
11:25Well, I guess I'll find out tonight when we go to Dallas.
11:29At least Peggy's excited about it.
11:31She's talking about putting on earrings.
11:34Uh, what else was she thinking about putting on, Hank?
11:40Pubs?
11:41No.
11:43Now I know what Mona Lisa's husband felt like when he headed off to that museum.
11:49It's pride, Hank.
11:50You know, I might still be able to fit into the old uniform.
11:55Think that would be appropriate?
11:57Well, we'll ask.
11:58Now, Luanne, remember what I told you about Bobby's diet?
12:01Yeah, if I haven't heard of the food that he wants to eat, he cannot eat it.
12:07Mm-hmm.
12:08Mm-hmm.
12:09Mm-hmm.
12:10Where are you going?
12:11Oh, I'm just shuffling off to the living room.
12:14And away we go!
12:17I specifically asked Bill not to give him that hat.
12:22Someone really ought to fix that thing.
12:43Uh, Hank, you'd better turn that back on.
12:45Okay, let's keep moving.
12:52Wonder what they're all staring at.
12:55Probably the best running back Arlen High has ever known.
12:59That's what I was staring at the whole ride here.
13:02Well, you know.
13:11Empty Bowl, Bhopal, India.
13:14Beef Field, colon, Arlen, Texas, huh?
13:22Look, Hank, Dr. Morley took this x-ray.
13:26That's the name of your doctor.
13:30Oh, dear Lord.
13:32Hank, honey, I think this is your colon from when you were constipated.
13:37Oh, my God.
13:38Hank, please.
13:40People are starting to look.
13:41Uh, excuse me.
13:43This is my work.
13:44My art is not to be touched.
13:46If you want interactive art, there's a highly overrated collection in Toronto.
13:50Your work?
13:51That's my colon.
13:53Ooh.
13:54Huh?
13:55Hank, maybe we should just go.
13:58Not without my property.
14:01Stop that.
14:02Stop that.
14:03Security!
14:04Security!
14:04Damn it.
14:06I'm a human being, not some kind of freak that you can put up on display.
14:12My doctor says it's very rare.
14:15I'm the only kid under 70 to get this outside the gout belt in the lower Balkans.
14:22I'll be happy to entertain any questions.
14:25Yes, you.
14:28Will your toe be better in time for the dance?
14:32I'm sorry, Connie.
14:34I was pointing to the gentleman behind you.
14:38Answer the question.
14:40Uh, I'm sorry.
14:42Um, I was pointing in front of you to Joseph.
14:47Are you taking Connie to the dance?
14:50I'm sorry.
14:50I think we've run out of time.
15:10Leave the tub.
15:11What's wrong, buddy?
15:13Girl trouble?
15:14Huh?
15:15Oh, no, Carl.
15:17It's just the gout.
15:18You got the gout?
15:20What causes that?
15:21Tick bite?
15:23Nobody knows.
15:27So, Hank.
15:30I heard about your big opening.
15:35Yeah, Dale.
15:37It's even funnier the third time.
15:40Hey, Hank Hill.
15:40Look what I buy in gift shop at museum.
15:43You sign it.
15:44It'd be worth more money.
15:46Hey, woo!
15:47Look at me.
15:49I'm Hank Hill, and I just passed the wind.
15:53Quick.
15:54Somebody frame it.
15:58Ow!
15:59Hey!
16:00There's nothing funny about this, you hillbilly moron.
16:03Can't you see the juxtaposition of Hank's clogged up colon with that skinny, starving kid make deep statement about something?
16:10They cast stones at your colon from ignorance, Hank.
16:13Your ass is genius.
16:16Can you give me your guest list for she-she-art gallery parties?
16:23Coming through.
16:27Guess what the school nurse got for me today.
16:31I'll give you a hint.
16:34Ding, ding, ding, ding.
16:34Yeah.
16:41Hi, Mrs. Hill.
16:44Um, Bobby left his spoon at my house.
16:47Well, thank you, Connie.
16:48I will let Bobby know that you returned it.
16:54By the way, how's his togue out?
16:57Do you think he's going to get better in time for the dance?
17:01Well, of course he is, honey.
17:02But why do you...
17:04Oh.
17:06Oh.
17:07Oh.
17:09I've got to go.
17:10Honey, listen to me.
17:12Caring for Bobby is nothing to be embarrassed about.
17:15Oh, yeah?
17:17He named his swollen toe Madam, and she talks with a French accent.
17:22I did not know that.
17:25Well, it's still not as bad as seeing your husband's colon on the wall.
17:29I know.
17:30It's hanging in our den.
17:32Well, Bobby's had a taste of showbiz, and it does not agree with him.
17:37No more deadly foods for him.
17:39He is doing everything he can to get back on his feet in time for that dance.
17:49I see by your face you did not know about the rascal.
17:52Bobby, what are you doing?
18:09You smell like cat food.
18:12You're eating chopped liver, aren't you?
18:15It comes with the platter.
18:17Bobby, I searched every shop looking for just the right dress.
18:22Which I finally found.
18:24And here you are, eating all the stuff that gives you gout.
18:28I just came in to use the restroom.
18:31Bobby, I found some good empty meat in the back.
18:33I know how you like it.
18:35Ow.
18:35You would rather stuff yourself and roll around in your stupid electric cart than take me to the dance?
18:44Well, I guess I would.
18:51Carl, give me a plate of kippers and onions.
18:55I don't know, Bobby.
18:56Don't you think you've had enough?
18:58Well, I'll tell you when I've had enough.
19:11Hey, Connie.
19:13I got a new deck of cards.
19:16You want to come over and play cards this weekend?
19:20Why don't you play it with your chicken livers?
19:23I'm going to the dance.
19:25But I told you I didn't want to go to the dance.
19:29I know.
19:30I'm going with someone else.
19:34I've got goutch!
19:37Uh, sir, if I could just get off a few hours early, I need to go to Dallas.
19:43Oh, right, right.
19:45That picture of your butt pipe with all that beef gumming up the works.
19:50You got to chew more, honey.
19:52When I think of what they're doing to the good name of beef.
19:55Those damn Oprah's.
19:57And what ain't good for beef ain't good for barbecues, Hank.
20:02And what ain't good for barbecues ain't good for propane.
20:13I came to take down that picture of my private insides.
20:19As for the Indian fella, I guess that's between you and him.
20:24All right, Mr. Hill.
20:25I think we've had enough.
20:26Security, throw that man out.
20:29I'll do you one better.
20:31Sheriff?
20:33All right.
20:35You the fellas that perpetrated this art?
20:39You're under arrest.
20:41What are you talking about?
20:42I've got the right of free expression.
20:45Oh, you can have all the free speech you want.
20:49Within the law.
20:51And in the state of Texas, there's a law against defaming beef.
20:56Sheriff, my colon.
21:00You realize you will never have another avant-garde art exhibit in this state.
21:06Well, goodbye.
21:12Hank Hill, running back.
21:18Circa 1974.
21:21Picture by Kodak USA.
21:24Bye, Mom.
21:30Bye, Dad.
21:32Have fun, Pan Junior.
21:34You got your peppers free?
21:36Yes, Mom.
21:37Use the honors.
21:38Hillbillies.
21:39No matter what.
21:40I want to see that empty when you come home.
21:43Get down.
21:55Get down.
21:58I figure it's all for the best with Connie.
22:13This way I can concentrate on my new act.
22:18Hello, my name is Mother and I'm here to start the show.
22:24I guess I'm not feeling real on right now.
22:28I just can't believe she would stop being friends with me.
22:33I guess I do like this delicious New York-style food better than I like her.
22:39Well, then how come all you've done tonight is talk about Connie and you haven't touched your chicken liver?
22:45Carl, bring me my rascal.
22:53Carl, bring me my rascal.
22:53Oh, well, I'm here to film.
22:59Okay.
23:00I'm here to film.
23:05Here we go.
23:05Oh, my God.
23:35Oh, my God.
24:05Oh, my God.
24:35Oh, my God.
25:05Oh, my God.
25:35Oh, my God.
26:05Oh, my God.
26:12Oh, my God.
26:42Oh, my God.
26:52I've got gas.