- 5/19/2025
King Of The Hill Season 3 Episode 19 Hank's Cowboy Movie
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TVTranscript
00:00...is to Wichita Falls.
00:04Two and a quarter, Bobby.
00:07Good eye, son.
00:08Hey, what's the best way to get to Corpus Christi?
00:11Well, the quickest way is straight down here,
00:15but the best way is to go through Arlen.
00:18It's one of George Bush's Communities of Excellence.
00:22Arlen, huh?
00:23Is that where you're headed?
00:25No, sir.
00:26We're on our way to Wichita Falls.
00:28We're going to see the training camp of the Dallas Cowboys.
00:34They used to be in Austin.
00:36Deal well, you know.
00:37But like my dad says, cowboys will be cowboys.
00:44I say that in private, son.
00:58Welcome to Wichita Falls, training camp of the former World Cup.
01:04Welcome to Wichita Falls, training camp of the former World Cup.
01:08Welcome to Wichita Falls.
01:12Welcome to Wichita Falls, training camp of the former World Champion, Dallas Cowboys.
01:32Yeah!
01:33Way to go, cowboys!
01:35Irvin's looking good this year, aren't you, Dad?
01:38Yep.
01:39I'm giving him an A-.
01:41I'm giving him a B+.
01:44That gives him some room to improve.
01:47Good idea, son.
01:49And I'm giving Troy Aikman a B+, too.
01:52That's not funny, Bobby.
01:53Dad, look.
02:02They forgot one of their footballs.
02:06Shhh.
02:07Follow me.
02:08Sweet Jethro Pugh.
02:26The Super Bowl has come down to one play.
02:29Fourth down.
02:30Aikman drops back to pass.
02:32Irvin heads for the goal line.
02:36That's you, Bobby.
02:38Oh.
02:39Okay.
02:43Troy's under pressure.
02:45He fires into the end zone.
02:48And hits Michael Irvin for a touchdown.
02:51Ooh.
02:52Dang.
02:54Uh, hold on a minute.
02:56Uh, pass interference.
02:58Cowboys retain possession.
03:01And they run out the clock.
03:04Uh, turns out they were ahead all along.
03:08The Cowboys win the Super Bowl!
03:11The Cowboys win the Super Bowl!
03:15The Cowboys win the Super Bowl!
03:18The Cowboys win the Super Bowl!
03:19The Cowboys win the Super Bowl!
03:20The Cowboys win the Super Bowl!
03:21The Cowboys win the Super Bowl!
03:22The Cowboys win the Super Bowl!
03:23The Cowboys win the Super Bowl!
03:23Well, hooray!
03:24Oh!
03:25Where are you guys from?
03:27Arlen, Texas.
03:28Pig Town.
03:30You a pig farmer?
03:31Uh, I think you're confused, sir.
03:34We don't raise pigs in Arlen, Texas.
03:37We process them.
03:38Oh, yeah.
03:40Yeah, you folks make them tiny breakfast weenies.
03:43But you're gonna have to leave now.
03:53Wow!
03:54Did you just see that, Dad?
03:56He added an extra move when he gave me the blizzard.
04:00An extra little twirl.
04:02They don't do that in Arlen.
04:06Wichita Falls is the greatest place I have ever been in my life.
04:12A dollar nine.
04:13What?
04:14In Arlen, they're 99 cents.
04:17In Arlen, it's not the official blended frozen dairy product of the Dallas Cowboys training camp.
04:24Oh!
04:26Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun!
04:29In Stampede, go, you Dallas Cowboys, go!
04:33Hey, Dad.
04:35Look!
04:36Huh?
04:38Hey, Daddy!
04:40Ah!
04:42Uh...
04:42Uh...
04:43Uh...
04:44Uh...
04:45Uh...
04:46Do it!
04:48Well, I'll be dipped.
04:55Excuse me.
04:56Hey, we're looking for the assistant manager.
05:03Jeff!
05:04There's some guys out here!
05:06Damn it all, Jeff Jr.
05:09I wasn't finished with my nap!
05:11Hello there.
05:12I'm Hank Hill, and I sell propane and propane accessories, too.
05:17In Arlen, Texas.
05:19I gotta say, I sure envy you.
05:22After a hard day's work at a job you love, you get to take your son to see the Cowboys.
05:29I am so sick of you.
05:31South Texas pig jockeys coming in here, waking me up to tell me, how about them Cowboys?
05:38All instincts and Wichita Falls rules!
05:42And you know why?
05:43Cause in five minutes I can be inside the great state of Oklahoma.
05:47Go Sooners!
05:48What?
05:52Go Sooners!
05:54Go Sooners!
05:57Cut it out!
05:58Stop it!
05:59Stop it now!
06:01Go Sooners!
06:02Stampy!
06:03Go Sooners!
06:05Go Sooners!
06:07Stampy!
06:08Go Dallas Cowboys go!
06:10Go Sooners!
06:11Stampy!
06:17Magic fingers.
06:20Ooh.
06:21I like magic.
06:25I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want.
06:29I'll tell you what I want.
06:31Stampy!
06:31Get off of there, Bobby!
06:32You're not 18.
06:34This is the coolest bed I have ever seen.
06:38They don't have beds like this in Harlan.
06:41They certainly do not.
06:44Look what I found in the nightstand.
06:47What the heck is this?
06:49This is the tape that Wichita Falls made to show how great it is here,
06:55and they sent it to the Cowboys, and that's why they came.
07:01Do you want to watch my tape?
07:08Wichita Falls is really excited about bringing the Dallas Cowboys to our city.
07:17This North Texas town is a perfect spot for the training camp of the Dallas Cowboys.
07:25North Texas, my foot, is more like South Oklahoma.
07:30Well, whatever you call it, I like it more than Pig Town.
07:35What?
07:36Now you wash your mouth out right now with two or three of those little soaps.
07:46Phew.
07:47I never noticed what a dump this town is before.
07:57What's that smell?
08:00Ugh!
08:00Ugh!
08:01I think I'm gonna throw up!
08:03It's just a sausage plant.
08:09That smell means jobs, Bobby.
08:16The state-of-the-art mall is anchored by Dillard's and J.C. Penney,
08:23and our restaurants include both Chili's and Panicons.
08:29The state-of-the-art mall is an adult.
08:37Well, Bobby sure had a good time on your trip.
08:41Yeah, too good.
08:43Now he's down on his hometown.
08:46All his dreams from now on are gonna be about leaving,
08:50and then some high school guidance counselor is gonna tell him to follow his dreams.
08:55Then how'll he end up?
08:57A fruit pie salesman with a whoopee cushion living in Wichita Falls.
09:04Hank, it's happening to the best of our young people.
09:07There is nothing here for them.
09:09Last week, two sixth graders told me they wanted to be astronauts.
09:15You can't find work as an astronaut in Arlen, Hank.
09:18Mm-mm, not anymore.
09:20I've been trying to hire some teenagers at Strickland for months.
09:25No one wants to be a tank wipe these days.
09:33And the problem is, our kids are leaving.
09:38Hank is right.
09:40If all the children leave Arlen, there will be no young to take care of our old.
09:46Our old will feed off our very old.
09:50Our very old who are not eaten will wish they had been.
09:56Eaten.
09:57Uh, Dale, that's not gonna happen.
10:01Not if we do something about it.
10:03We are going to keep our young people by bringing the Dallas Cowboys training camp to Arlen.
10:11Dang!
10:12I know it's a long shot, but what if we make a movie about Arlen and send it to the Cowboys?
10:18Do you really think we can make a movie, Hank?
10:21I know we can.
10:22We used to make movies all the time.
10:25Remember, Dale?
10:25Dale, you practically slept with that little camcorder.
10:29Practically.
10:30I was going to be the next Zapruder.
10:33Except nobody shot a president after that.
10:37Nobody knew what he was doing.
10:38Um, Shugs, as a professional on-air personality, I would be glad to donate my services.
10:47I've always wanted to branch out from weather to hard infotainment.
10:51Uh-huh.
10:51Well, and every good movie starts with, with what?
10:56A good script.
10:57Yeah, pass us all, please.
10:59Hey, Peggy, you're a writer.
11:02You could write the script.
11:03Me?
11:04Well, all right.
11:06I will do it for the children of Arlen.
11:09And I will be the president of the movie.
11:13Tell you what, man, all you need is getting one of them dang old narrators, man.
11:16Just like the movie trailer guy, man, in a world where love is against the law, you know, something like that.
11:23Yeah, or, uh, we could put you in an armadillo suit.
11:27Bill, you'll be in charge of snacks.
11:30Well, this calls the soap appears.
11:33All right, yeah.
11:35How about them cowboys?
11:37The soap appears for everyone.
11:39In Wichita Falls, this button doesn't stick.
11:46Welcome, Jerry Jones.
11:52I'm Nancy Hicks Gribble, and I'll be your tour guide on a magical journey through Arlen, Texas,
11:58the next training campsite of the Dallas Cowboys.
12:02Sharks may be scary, as is this beer-like marlin,
12:06but fear not, Jerry, for landlocked Arlen is darlin'.
12:11Cut.
12:12We're gonna get the cowboys.
12:15Let's not get ahead of ourselves, Dale.
12:18Now, I noticed you were jiggling the camera a bit.
12:22We really don't need any fancy camera tricks.
12:25Just point and shoot.
12:27Gotcha.
12:28Consider me a human tripod with an invisible third leg.
12:33Like you cowboys, Arlenites are rugged individualists.
12:39We are do-it-yourselfers for your information.
12:42That's D-I-Y-F-Y-I.
12:45One more reason.
12:46Arlen is darlin'.
12:48Cut.
12:49Okay.
12:50That was written okay and acted pretty good,
12:53but it needs, uh, it needs, hmm, let me think about this, uh, huh.
13:03All right, let's do it again, maybe a little better this time.
13:10I don't care what Hank says, Shug.
13:14I think your script is just wonderful.
13:16Well, thank you, Nancy.
13:18I got that rhyming idea from Charles Keralt.
13:22Or was it Charles Osgood?
13:25Wait, which one was the one with the mistress and the Winnebago?
13:30Oh, they all fool around, Shug.
13:33Anyway, your script is brilliant.
13:35I wouldn't change a word.
13:36Well, now that you mention it, you did change one teeny little word.
13:42Really?
13:43Did I?
13:44Yes.
13:44You said Arlenites instead of Arlenians.
13:50Oh, that's the Channel 84 preferred term for residents of Arlen.
13:55Well, technically, residents of Arlen are called Arlenians.
13:59As a substitute educator, I would know that.
14:04Well, you're the writer, Shug.
14:08I'm just the professional television personality.
14:13Like you cowboys, Arlen...
14:16I'm duct taping your Zoom.
14:18Go.
14:19Hey, man, I'm a heat rash, man.
14:21I'm a big, big, big, big, big, hot, human hot house in here, man.
14:27Boomhauer, we'll get to you tomorrow, I promise.
14:30Yeah, man, you want me to talk about them? Don't hurry up and wait.
14:36Thanks, man.
14:37Gosh, I don't know who's sweating more. Me or the cheese.
14:42You look tired, Dad.
14:45I guess it's hard to get enough rest when you're presidenting a film.
14:50Yep. See, I'm going to do a big shot from up here.
14:56Do you really think the cowboys would move to Arlen?
15:00I sure do, son.
15:02Imagine what it'll be like.
15:04We'll go to get autographs and Troy Aikman will toss the ball around with you.
15:10And I wish I could have had Dandy Don Meredith or Roger Staubach throwing me passes when I was your age.
15:19Even Craig Morton would have been all right.
15:23I love you, Bobby.
15:26What?
15:27Uh, nothing.
15:29Hey, look at that bird.
15:33Dale, stop putting your bug truck in the background of all the shots.
15:38What kind of message are we sending?
15:40Arlen is full of bugs?
15:42You think that's all I'd do?
15:45I killed eight gophers last year, and a purebred Tennessee walking horse that was looking at me funny.
15:52Did you know that that prima donna had the gall to suggest changing my slogan from Arlen is darlin' to Arlen, where Super Bowls are born?
16:04Where Super Bowls are born.
16:09Huh.
16:10Where is Nancy, anyway?
16:12Well, Miss Pris is pouting in her trailer.
16:16She won't do my snake scene.
16:18Thank God you're here, John Redcorn.
16:29Nancy won't come out of the bug of bago.
16:31Nancy has a headache and requires treatment.
16:41I will need about an hour.
16:43And a bottle of Vaste Spumante.
16:45I'll get it.
16:56That's it.
16:57You have pampered that woman long enough.
17:00Put me on camera right this second.
17:02Come on.
17:02Come on, the snakes and I are ready to go.
17:04Uh, maybe we should give John Redcorn a few more minutes.
17:11You know what that is?
17:14No.
17:15Let me tell you, that is the sound of Arlen's future going right down the toilet.
17:22And do you know whose butt is on that seat?
17:25Well, it's yours, Hank.
17:27It's your butt.
17:31Dale, get the camera.
17:34Okay, we're rolling.
17:35Now just try to relax.
17:38And remember, all the cowboys will be watching you.
17:41It's feeding time here at the world-famous Arlen Snake Farm.
17:48You cowboys have a lot in common with these hungry vipers.
17:53They devour rodents.
17:55They devour rodents just the way you devour opponents.
18:01Time out.
18:07Time out.
18:08Uh, that was, uh, uh, uh, oh, look, here's Nancy now.
18:16Uh, Nancy, Peggy was just, uh, standing in for you.
18:22Now, honey, if you'll just, uh, step aside.
18:25Nancy, why don't we do this one with your new slogan, Arlen, where Super Bowls are born.
18:32Oh, I'll say my slogan, Shug.
18:38But I'm not touching that little mouse.
18:40Oh, yes, you are.
18:42Woo!
18:43Woo!
18:44Woo!
18:44Woo!
18:44Woo!
18:45Woo!
18:45Woo!
18:46Woo!
18:46Woo!
18:47Woo!
18:47Woo!
18:48Woo!
18:48Woo!
18:49Woo!
18:50Woo!
18:50Woo!
18:51Woo!
18:51Hey!
18:52Hey!
18:52Hey!
18:53Get him off!
18:54Get him off!
18:55Get him off!
18:56Woo!
18:57Woo!
18:58Woo!
18:59Woo!
19:00Woo!
19:01Woo!
19:02Woo!
19:08lost in my past at me!
19:10Get off my hands!
19:11Get!
19:12get him down!
19:13Bobby, help me save these things!
19:17Sleigh!
19:18Put it out!
19:25Woo!
19:26I quit.
19:35Peggy, if you've ever loved the Cowboys, apologize to her.
19:39She said Arlenite, it's Arlenian, Arlenian, Arlenian.
19:44Either I get an apology, or guess what?
19:47I quit.
19:48Well, you just quit, Shirk.
19:52Then I quit.
19:54If Peggy quits, I quit.
19:57Well, man, I quit.
20:00Hank, you have bully-ragged this production and stifled my creativity from day one.
20:07It is now day two.
20:10I quit.
20:12What about the Cowboys?
20:15The Cowboys!
20:17It's okay, Dad.
20:19We were crazy to try and compete with Wichita Falls.
20:23I can do this on my own.
20:32Hello, Jerry Jones.
20:43I'm Hank Hill, and I'll be your quarterback on a game-winning drive through Arlen, Texas, the next training campsite of the Dallas Cowboys.
20:54I'm standing here at the 50-yard line of Tut Rampey Field.
21:21The future site of the Dallas Cowboys training camp.
21:26You see, you're just a dot at this distance.
21:31Yeah, so edit it bigger.
21:34That's why I'm here.
21:36Hank, I'm the best UHF editor in Texas.
21:40But I can't work miracles.
21:42You've got no master shot.
21:44You've crossed the action axis.
21:46The sound's horrible.
21:48I guess that was all my responsibility as president.
21:54All I wanted to do was get my son to love this town as much as I do.
22:03Where did I go wrong, Tom?
22:06Where?
22:08Dad's talking to the Tom Landry plate again.
22:12Hello, Nancy.
22:15It's Peggy, and I would like to apologize to you, one Arlenite to another.
22:22No, I was the one who said Arlenian.
22:25That's why this is an apology.
22:28All right, let's just agree to disagree.
22:32Now, I'm going to need to borrow your home movies.
22:35Dave, I hear you're the best television editor at all of Texas.
22:41At UHF.
22:43The reason I've called you all here is to show you a video,
22:47which we will be sending to the Dallas Cowboys tomorrow morning.
22:51It was made over the years by each and every one of us.
23:01And that's after having two chickens.
23:05Oh!
23:05Boy, was I drunk.
23:11Look how smooth my bottom was.
23:15Bobby!
23:21Oh, shit!
23:22Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
23:25Ha, ha, ha, ha!
23:29Oh.
23:30You know, I made that barbecue out of two old barbecues.
23:43We're going to get the cowboy.
24:13We're gonna get the Cowboys.
24:20Hey, Dad.
24:22Hello, Bobby.
24:24Well, the Cowboys thanked us for the video, but they have no plans to move to Ireland in the near future.
24:32And they sent us a little rubber football.
24:36So, uh, I guess this means you're gonna leave us when you grow up, huh?
24:41Yeah, I'll probably leave.
24:44But it's not for a while, Dad.
24:47I'm only twelve.
24:49We've still got plenty of time together.
24:52Yeah.
24:54And even after you move, Wichita Falls is only a six-hour drive.
24:58I can't be a prop comic in Wichita Falls.
25:02I'm moving to New York City.
25:05Or Hollywood.
25:07Maybe Vegas.
25:08Ugh.
25:09Well, at least it's not Wichita Falls.
25:13Well, I may keep a place there for tax purposes.
25:18Hey, you wanna try the little football?
25:21Alright.
25:22Hike it to me and go out for a pass.
25:25How about you hike the ball and go out for the pass?
25:30The crowd is going wild.
25:34Aaaaah!
25:35Aaaaah!
25:37Roger Starback goes back to pass.
25:41Roger's in trouble.
25:43He scrambles.
25:45Roger the Dodger gets away.
25:47He throws into the end zone.
25:49It's complete to my dad, Hank Hill.
25:54Touchdown!
25:56The Cowboys win the Super Bowl!
25:59The Cowboys win the Super Bowl!
26:02The Cowboys win the Super Bowl!
26:05The Cowboys win the Super Bowl!
26:06The Cowboys win the Super Bowl!
26:07The Cowboys win the Super Bowl!
26:08The Cowboys win the Super Bowl!
26:09The Cowboys win the Super Bowl!
26:10The Cowboys win the Super Bowl!
26:11The Cowboys win the Super Bowl!
26:12The Cowboys win the Super Bowl!
26:13The Cowboys win the Super Bowl!
26:14The Cowboys win the Super Bowl!
26:15The Cowboys win the Super Bowl!
26:16The Cowboys win the Super Bowl!
26:17The Cowboys win the Super Bowl!
26:18The Cowboys win the Super Bowl!
26:19The Cowboys win the Super Bowl!
26:20The Cowboys win the Super Bowl!
26:21The Cowboys win the Super Bowl!
26:22The Cowboys win the Super Bowl!
26:23The Cowboys win the Super Bowl!
26:24The Cowboys win the Super Bowl!
26:25The Cowboys win the Super Bowl!
26:26Team of the Senior Pros
26:29Let the whole world hear our bugles blow
26:33Stand up!
26:37Stand deep!
26:38Go, you fellas!
26:44Cowboys!
26:48Go!
26:52Sweet.
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