- 5/8/2025
King Of The Hill Season 2 Episode 17 Hank's Dirty Laundry
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TVTranscript
00:00Music
00:05Music
00:11Music
00:20Music
00:24Music
00:29Oh, my God.
00:59No, no, no.
01:09These are my personal private undergarments.
01:12Now the whole neighborhood knows I wear them.
01:15But I am sorry, Hank.
01:16The dryer broke.
01:17Again.
01:18It's actually moistening our clothes now.
01:21Okay, okay.
01:22We'll buy a new dryer.
01:23Just help me get the rest of these down.
01:26Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
01:29Let's buy this one.
01:36It's like watching TV, only the show is about wet clothes.
01:41Hi, you folks have any questions?
01:43Why, yes, I do.
01:45Could you tell me the difference between an electric dryer and a propane dryer?
01:50Sure.
01:51A propane dryer costs a little more...
01:53Uh, only at first.
01:55When you factor in the lifetime cost of ownership, propane comes out on top.
02:01Let me run through the numbers.
02:02A family of four does three and a half loads a week.
02:07Hey.
02:08Hey.
02:09Hello, Buckley.
02:11Hey.
02:12When did you get promoted to greeter?
02:16Yester.
02:16Hey.
02:17Day.
02:17And if the current trend in electric rates continues, you'll be glad you did.
02:24Here's my card in case you have any other questions.
02:28Can we just take the spin more, please?
02:30Would you be interested in applying for a megalo card?
02:33Heh.
02:34No thanks.
02:35The last thing I need is another credit card.
02:39I've already got one.
02:40Hmm.
02:41Hold on.
02:42No money down.
02:43No interest for six months.
02:45And ten percent off our first purchase.
02:49Ten percent off?
02:51Well, Chuck Mangione supports it, and his diet shakes did okay by me.
03:01Hi, Luanne.
03:02Hi, Bobby.
03:04Hi, Buckley.
03:08He's on break.
03:10Where's Uncle Hank and Aunt Peggy?
03:13Oh, I thought I'd give them some time alone so they could, you know.
03:19What?
03:20You know.
03:22Buy me a birthday present.
03:24I mean, that's why we're here, isn't it?
03:27I don't think so.
03:29Your birthday's not till next month.
03:31Think about it, Luanne.
03:33Why would you bring a child to a department store to buy a dryer when his birthday is three and a half weeks away?
03:40It just doesn't make sense.
03:43They're watching me, trying to get into my head and see what I really want in a present.
03:49No.
03:49Well, I'm pretty sure we're just buying a dryer.
03:52Okay, Luanne.
03:55When Mom and Dad get done buying the dryer, tell them I'm over by the dirt bikes.
04:04Holding the Toblerone.
04:05Hey.
04:11Okay, Mr. Hill, your credit has been rejected?
04:15Huh?
04:15But why?
04:17Well, the computer doesn't say, I'm sorry.
04:19Next.
04:20Hold on a minute.
04:21You made a mistake.
04:23I have perfect credit.
04:25I think I recognize a frowny face when I see one.
04:29Hank, why don't we just pay with a check?
04:32Uh, sorry.
04:33We can't take checks from people with bad credit.
04:39I'm having the time of my life, and it's on sale.
04:43Thanks for trying, Melinda, but I'm pretty sure you can't just look up my credit unless I send some kind of permission letter to my credit bureau.
04:55Nah, it's a piece of cake.
04:56All you need is a $10 processing fee.
04:59I'll just deduct that from your paycheck.
05:02Mr. Strickland, I was just, uh...
05:06Hank's got bad credit.
05:08Well, there's the right hair in your tuna.
05:10Huh? Seems like you're in the whole $40 to Ireland video.
05:16What?
05:18It says I owe $40, and that can't be true.
05:22I always bring back my tapes.
05:24Look for yourself.
05:25I've returned the great Santini 23 times.
05:29Okay.
05:31Hank Hill, June 23rd.
05:32Yeah, you rented and never returned cuffs and collars.
05:35I've never even heard of that.
05:37Have you?
05:38Uh-uh.
05:38Unless it's got the name Merchant, Ivory, or Billy Crystal above the title, I am not interested.
05:45Wait a minute.
05:46Wait a minute.
05:48They're buying me a movie for my birthday.
05:51That's why we're here, right?
05:53Really, Bobby?
05:54They haven't said anything.
05:56Bobby, you ever heard of a movie called Cuffs and Collars?
06:01Oh, I think that's the one with the two cops who don't get along, but then they do, but it's too late, because he's dead, but not really.
06:09So you've seen it?
06:11No.
06:12How about you, Luanne?
06:14Mm-mm.
06:14Oh, no, you're not getting a movie, Bobby.
06:20You are so smooth.
06:23Nope.
06:23We didn't rent it.
06:25So if you could please erase the $40 and penalize yourself, whatever you think is fair, we'll be on our way.
06:32I am sorry, but the computer won't let me erase anything until you either return the tape or pay the $40.
06:39I told you I didn't rent the tape.
06:41Now, who's calling me a liar, you or the machine?
06:44Because I want to know whose ass to kick.
06:46I'm not calling you a liar, sir.
06:49Fine.
06:50Now, where's the ass on this thing?
06:52I need a dryer, Hank.
06:55Just pay for the tape?
06:57Absolutely not.
06:58I won't pay for someone else's screw-up.
07:01Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if that tape was sitting on the shelf right now.
07:07Where would cuffs and collars be?
07:09Action-adventure?
07:11Action-comedy?
07:12Action-action?
07:14Make a lift.
07:15Okay.
07:31How could they think I'd rent a stag film, Peggy?
07:36I'm married.
07:37I think we should just pay.
07:39No!
07:40I've got to prove my innocence.
07:43Now, wasn't June 23rd the day I went to my dad's and installed Grab Bars in his shower?
07:49Nope.
07:50June 23rd, I played Boggle at Nancy's and left you home.
07:55Alone.
07:58Peggy, you don't think I actually rented you?
08:01Oh, Hank, I don't care if you did or you didn't.
08:03Well, you should care because I didn't.
08:06Oh, really, Hank?
08:07It doesn't matter.
08:08It does matter.
08:10It's important you believe me when I say I didn't rent the tape.
08:14Honey, okay, I believe you.
08:17Now, I just have one question.
08:20Did you rent the tape?
08:21No!
08:22All right, then.
08:24But whether you did or you didn't, I still think we should just play.
08:27The last thing I want is for people to be talking about this, especially in front of Bobby.
08:33Louette, Louette, it's even better than I thought.
08:39Mom and Dad are throwing me a surprise party.
08:45So, Nancy tells me she ran into John Redcorn at the video store.
08:51The two of them heard you complain about some porno tape you lost.
08:56Yeah, man, talking about that dang old cussing collars, man.
08:59Like when they come over to clean that pool, man.
09:01Instead of going, oh, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack.
09:05Quit it.
09:06I didn't rent that movie.
09:08I'm glad.
09:09I'm glad I'm not the only one who is disgusted by pornography.
09:16It's offensive.
09:17It's demeaning.
09:19It creates a standard of idealized beauty that your average man can't compete with.
09:27Don't worry, Bill.
09:28I'm not going to let my credit and good name be done in by a damn computer error.
09:33Computers don't make errors.
09:36What they do, they do on purpose.
09:40By now, your name and particulars have been fed into every laptop, desktop, mainframe, and supermarket scanner
09:47that collectively make up the global information conspiracy otherwise known as the Beast.
09:54Dale, I'm having a problem with one videotape.
09:58Not some kind of high-tech boogeyman.
10:01You just be careful.
10:03Computers have already beaten the communists at chess.
10:07Next thing you know, they'll be beating humans.
10:10Strickland propane tastes the meat, not the heat.
10:17Hello, Hank.
10:19Speaking.
10:19How you doing?
10:20It's Matt.
10:22Oh.
10:23Hey, Matt.
10:25How you been?
10:26Pretty good.
10:27Pretty good.
10:28Uh-huh.
10:29So, uh, how's, um...
10:32Peggy?
10:33Uh, she's fine.
10:35And how's, uh...
10:38Do I know you?
10:39Hank, if you like cuffs and collars, you're gonna love Rugburn, too.
10:43And by Rugburn, too, I mean Rugburn, also.
10:45Rugburn, too, isn't very good.
10:47What?
10:47But...
10:48Who is this?
10:49You know, Matt!
10:50From consenting adults?
10:52The country's largest supplier of mail-order adult entertainment?
10:55So how many can I put you down for?
10:57Zero!
10:57God, please, watch your mouth.
11:00This is an interstate phone line.
11:02How did you get this number?
11:04Not important.
11:05What is important is that we have a bigger selection and lower prices than Arlen Video.
11:10What?
11:10Arlen Video told you I rent pornography?
11:14Uh, uh...
11:15Uh-huh.
11:16Uh-huh.
11:17Who plays the most hits?
11:20Why, 104?
11:22Yeah, okay.
11:23That crazy morning zoo.
11:25Oh, my God.
11:55Shame on you, Hank Hill. What you do in the privacy of your own home is disgusting enough, but to let it spill out into our streets where my future children will someday play, well, that is going too far. Shame.
12:22Shame.
12:23Shame.
12:25I would like the luxury of vomiting on myself right now, but I don't have any clean clothes to change into. Would you just pay the bill so I can get a new dryer?
12:35It's too late. The beast's already got him in its jaws. Your only way out is to start life over with a new identity. If you want, I can get you the birth certificate of a child who died in 1953. It's hardly been used.
12:51No, I am not a quitter.
12:53Who's not a quitter? My dead friend Hank Hill or my new friend Rusty Shackleford?
13:03Just help me get this smut back to the post office.
13:11Bobby! Do not get off the bus!
13:13Look at all those cards and gifts. This is going to be the best birthday ever.
13:21Next!
13:23Uh, yes. These magazines and, uh, equipment were delivered to my home.
13:33I want you to return to sender and take my name off these mailing lists.
13:38No, post office can't take you off the mailing lists. You need to call the company you bought your pornography from and...
13:45I don't buy pornography! I don't want this! Take it back!
13:50If you want to file a complaint, fill out this form. We'll enter it in the computer and...
13:59No! No forms! No computers! We were never here! Don't feed the beast!
14:05Mr. Hank Hill? You threw out your mail, son. Don't you want to prolong your love making pleasure for just pennies at night, Mr. Hank?
14:16Give me that! Don't you people understand? If I don't fight, someday it could be your name on these... plugs.
14:26I'm doing this for all of you!
14:29Do you know this guy?
14:31No, dadgum way, man. It's just some dirty old man hanging around with sex toys. Back in my place, if you're interested.
14:39Blumhauer? No! I can do without Bill by my side. He brings nothing to this fight. But you?
14:46You should have seen this coming, Hank. One by one, your friends will desert you. I'll be next.
14:58Now, Dale, this stuff about the beast. You made all that up, right? Of course you did.
15:04Oh, no. Everything has been foretold in the Book of Revelations. Uh, you just stepped in a diaper.
15:15Dammit, it's the Vice Squad. They must have followed us. Quick, Dale, bury the... Dale?
15:25Uh, sir, this is a municipal dump. All garbage must... Wait a minute.
15:31This Superglide is oil-based. That's a petroleum by-product. You can't throw that out here. Same with the batteries in your vibrator.
15:41This is not my... And it's not a... It's a wand massager. It says so right on the box.
15:49All right. Give me your license. I'm gonna run you through the computer.
15:56The comp... Uh, heh. I don't have my license on me at the moment. Uh, but I can tell you that I was born in 1953. As a child, I was quite ill.
16:10Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
16:14Oh, uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
16:23Surprise! What? I had no idea.
16:28When did you plan this? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. How was that, Luan?
16:33Let's try it again.
16:45What the hell?
16:51Peggy, thank God you're here.
16:55Hello, I'm Hank Hill, and I'd like you to sign my petition.
16:59Hank Hill, I want you to get in the car right now before the whole town sees you.
17:03No, I am not a quitter and I don't rent pornography.
17:09I'm begging you, Hank, pay the $40.
17:12We will buy a new dryer and you can finally change your underwear.
17:16Honey, it's the right thing to do.
17:18Not until I prove my innocence once and for all.
17:22That's why I'm taking Arlen Video to small claims court, Peggy.
17:27I'm putting the whole system on trial.
17:30Oh, you have not heard a word I've said.
17:33What do I have to do to get through to you?
17:36Do I have to take off my shirt and dance like the women in your movies?
17:39I don't rent those movies!
17:41Hank, if you want to keep up your silly little battle, then you go it alone.
17:47I am sorry.
17:49I am sorry.
17:53I am sorry.
17:54I am sorry.
17:55I am sorry.
17:56I am sorry.
17:57Oh, huh?
17:58Hmm?
17:59Oh, man, his trial is tomorrow, and he's going in there with nothing but six honks and one signature.
18:22And that's on his leg.
18:25Darn taggers.
18:26It's sad, really.
18:28All he wanted was for his clothes to be dry.
18:31Yep.
18:33Yep.
18:34Oh, yeah.
18:35Oh, yeah.
18:39Oh, yeah.
18:42Oh, yeah.
18:47Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
19:05Mom! Look what Dad got me!
19:08There's cuffs and collars and a whole bunch of other cop movies.
19:13Jailbait, hung jury.
19:15How dare you try to expose my son to these, uh, police tapes that are so degrading to, uh, law enforcement officials.
19:26You never saw these.
19:28Gotcha. It's a surprise.
19:31Don't worry, I didn't read the card.
19:33I believe you, Hank.
19:46The answer is in the tapes.
19:48A friend.
19:51Hmm.
19:51I need these back when you're done.
19:56A friend.
19:57Okay.
20:16Okay.
20:16Hey, did somebody call a plumber?
20:24Come on in.
20:26I'll show you where the leak is.
20:28Oh, not, no, not, oh, oh, God.
20:33You want me to frisk you?
20:43Oh, what kind of cop are you?
20:46A bad one.
20:55Bobby, for the love of God, get out of the house!
21:00Okay.
21:04My mom told us to stay away for three hours.
21:09My birthday party must be today!
21:12Oh, then I guess this haircut is free.
21:17I'm still supposed to charge you for the shampoo.
21:20Here, let me hold that.
21:22Thanks, officer.
21:25Say, are you a mounted police?
21:27Not yet.
21:29But a girl can dream.
21:31Wait a minute.
21:33That's it!
21:34That's it!
21:36Ha, ha, ha!
21:37Yeah, that's it!
21:40Ha, ha, ha!
21:43You are hereby ordered to pay damages in the amount of $1.50
21:47and return the plaintiff's sunglasses.
21:50Ha, ha, ha!
21:51Next case.
21:56Hank Hill versus Arlen Video.
21:59Mr. Hill, you allege that you have been the target of systematic harassment
22:04at the hands of a major international computer conspiracy known as The Beast.
22:11That is correct, Your Honor.
22:13Mr. Hill, why don't you just pay the $40?
22:16Because I did not rent the tape.
22:20And I can prove it.
22:23It's pretty quiet.
22:25And there are no cars.
22:27I wonder where the magician parked.
22:29It must be in my bedroom.
22:46Surprise!
22:48Cuffs and Collars.
23:02The tape I never rented.
23:0668 minutes into the film, actress Dee Dee Cuff bends over to shoe her horse.
23:12Now, if you pause the tape and look closely, you can just make out a tattoo on Dee Dee's
23:19left buttock that reads, I Heart Charlie Sheen.
23:25Mrs. Cuff also makes an uncredited cameo in Jailbait, a tape which marks veteran porn star
23:33Fernanda Valli's return to the adult film industry on the occasion of her 18th birthday.
23:40Now, at the 70-minute mark, Dee Dee bends over to shoe a donkey.
23:47What do we see on her left buttock?
23:50Nothing.
23:52There is no tattoo.
23:54This can only mean that Jailbait was made before Cuffs and Collars.
24:02Now, why is this important?
24:04Because Fernanda Valli turned 18 on July 5th, two weeks after I supposedly rented Cuffs and Collars.
24:16Is it possible that I walked into Arlen Video on June 23rd and rented a movie that didn't even exist?
24:25I think not.
24:34I rule in favor of the plaintiff.
24:37Arlen Video is hereby ordered to remove the debt from its computer.
24:43And let the record show that Mr. Hank Hill really knows his pornography.
24:49Thank you, Your Honor.
24:59Oh, you did, Hank.
25:01You won.
25:02Oh, we can finally put this nightmare behind us.
25:06Oh, no.
25:08This isn't over yet.
25:09Approved.
25:25The dryer is yours.
25:26I can't believe they forgot my birthday.
25:34Oh, don't worry.
25:37They still got a whole month to remember.
25:45You got me, Luanne.
25:48You knew me the whole time, didn't you?
25:51Yeah.
25:53Yeah.
25:54I don't believe it.
25:56A dryer.
25:58It's perfect.
26:00Yep.
26:06This is the best birthday ever.
26:10Oh.
26:24It's perfect.
26:50It's perfect.
26:51Whackle, whackle, whackle, whackle, whackle.
26:52He's perfect.
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