- 5/19/2025
King Of The Hill Season 3 Episode 20 Dog Dale Afternoon
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TVTranscript
00:00Come on!
00:30Come on, baby. Turn over. You can do it. Turn over, baby. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.
00:44Hank, my mower won't start. Mind if I borrow yours?
00:50Almost turned over, didn't you?
00:53Yeah, she was teasing me.
00:55You didn't try to start it, Dale. There were no engine noises.
01:02I'll try to start it. Can I borrow some gas?
01:05Don't waste my gas. We both know it's not gonna start.
01:09Then why must you torture me like this?
01:12Now that's where I want the tank when it comes back. With gas, not water this time.
01:21That was aqua haul.
01:23Dale!
01:26Ah!
01:29So I tapped him on the shoulder and said with a straight face,
01:34maybe you want to put a little lacquer in that varnish.
01:41Long story short, he put some lacquer in it.
01:44Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I know that engine.
01:51Damn it, Dale!
01:53Hank, I'm only halfway done. You can't go out looking like that.
01:57Hey, I'm gonna borrow your drill.
02:11Where's my mower?
02:12Oh. So you wanna know where your mower is?
02:16Yes!
02:17It ran out of gas down past the gas station. I hope you pick it up tomorrow.
02:22You're not touching my mower ever again.
02:25You left it out in the street where any weirdo could just rub up against it.
02:30Hank, what would weirdos be doing near the gas station?
02:36What would weirdos be doing near the gas station?
02:41Oh, my God!
02:55What does it say?
02:56Nothing!
03:01Uh, Hank, you know I didn't finish mowing my lawn.
03:06Don't even ask if you could borrow my mower, Dale.
03:09Like I would borrow that piece of junk.
03:13Boomhauer, can I borrow your mower?
03:16I tell you what, man, I'm gonna loan you my Monopoly set, man,
03:18and come back in the dang old top hat's gone,
03:20and a little boardwalk got mustard stains on it in the park place, too, man.
03:25I'm gonna dang old mom come over and end up playing Stratego, man.
03:29Bill, can I borrow your mower?
03:31Okay!
03:32Like I would borrow that piece of junk.
03:35No.
03:45What are you looking at?
03:47Your fly is down.
03:50It's my yard.
03:52Yep.
03:53Yep.
03:54Mm-hmm.
03:55Dale probably doesn't want to show his face, his lawn being so shaggy and all.
04:09He's feeling like less than a man.
04:12Castrated, you know.
04:13I've been there.
04:14Well, don't feel sorry for Dale.
04:16Dale abused our trust.
04:19Phew.
04:21Oh, my God.
04:23Can it be?
04:25Is that?
04:26No!
04:27It's Dale on a new mower!
04:29Say hello to the Allegro X9J, codenamed Redeemer at the Mason Mower Skunk Works inside Mount Hood.
04:4373 decibels of twin barrel four-stroke war cry.
04:49All at a price I can't really afford.
04:53He's a beauty, Dale.
04:55Dale?
04:56Did you get a good trade-in on your old one?
04:58That thing, I pushed it into a lake three months ago.
05:02You look so manly sitting up there.
05:06Can I take her for a spin?
05:09Yeah, I'm pretty sure that would violate the warranty, Bill.
05:14Oh, come on, Dale.
05:15You use things more than everything that I have.
05:19Yeah!
05:20That is a water-tight seal.
05:26I can mow my lawn in a hurricane.
05:29Can you mow your lawn in a hurricane, Bill?
05:31I don't know.
05:33You can't mow your lawn in a hurricane.
05:36Can you, Boom Hauer?
05:37I tell you what, man.
05:38I have to tell you that pause tracking going on, man.
05:41A little choke call, man.
05:43Bull corn.
05:44Oh, almost forgot.
05:48Hank, can you mow your lawn in a hurricane?
05:50Nope, didn't think so.
05:51Ha, ha, ha, ha!
06:07How do I know it's Jack Ruby's hat?
06:10Well, if I'm gonna spend money on it, I gotta know it's Jack Ruby's hat.
06:18All right.
06:19What colors does it come in?
06:23Ha, ha, ha!
06:25Heh, next time it might not be a BB.
06:29I know what you're here for.
06:32Dale, this isn't how I wanted you to find out.
06:36Quit screwing around with my mower.
06:41You've gotta be kidding.
06:42I don't kid about my mower.
06:45Now get inside and start massaging my wife.
06:49He's taking some of the fun out of this.
06:58If Dale watered down the gas again...
07:01Mmm. Nope.
07:02Nope.
07:03This soda pop, Hank.
07:07That's just grease.
07:11Race you around the block.
07:13You wrecked my mower with your damn soda.
07:17It's Mr. Pitt.
07:19I heard Bobby say he did it.
07:21Said he had a score to settle with you.
07:24Something about a woman.
07:26I think something bad is about to happen to that mower.
07:32Oh, I doubt that, Hank.
07:34It's a brand new mower.
07:38Oh, I get it.
07:42All right, I'll tell you.
07:44Thank you, Hank.
07:45Cause once...
07:46You ride...
07:48A mason...
07:50Vroom! Vroom!
07:53Nothing else cutsy.
07:58You gonna talk...
08:01Or you gonna mow?
08:02What?
08:03What?
08:04N-
08:13N-
08:14N-
08:15N-
08:19N-
08:21N-
08:23NOOOOO!
08:33NOOOOO!
08:34NOOOOO!
08:46Hank, my mower's gone!
08:48Somebody stole my mower!
08:50Tell me you saw something.
08:52You're the neighborhood snoop.
08:54Well, I did find these lying around.
08:58NOOOOO!
09:01Look at the date on that paper.
09:04That's tomorrow's newspaper.
09:07Who would have access to a paper from the future, you might ask?
09:13The paper boy.
09:15That's today's paper, Dale.
09:19The date on my watch has been set incorrectly.
09:25When did the paper boy have access to my watch?
09:34Eugh.
09:36Ah, it's probably halfway to Mexico.
09:41That is a Mexican dog.
09:43Oh, you think that dog did it?
09:47That dog is up to no good.
09:51Hang in there, Dale.
09:53Even if you never get to see your mower again, you'll still have the brochure.
09:57Thanks.
09:58You know, you guys are my best friends.
10:01The joke's always been on me.
10:02All my life folks are always playing jokes on me.
10:04And no wonder!
10:05It's fun!
10:06This isn't some kind of elaborate joke on me, is it?
10:14He he he he he.
10:15All my life, folks are always playing jokes on me, and no wonder, it's fun.
10:26This isn't some kind of elaborate joke on me, is it?
10:40I found this on our doorstep.
10:45Duh, that's my oil filter.
10:49Shug, I'm not a licensed bounty hunter, but shouldn't they either ask for ransom or stop sending you clues?
10:57Why would someone senselessly torture me, unless they were my enemies?
11:09Boil up some Mountain Dew. It's gonna be a long night.
11:15Dad's a thief!
11:31Mom, can I check his drawers for that Hot Wheels I lost?
11:35Hank, Bobby tells me we have a new vehicle in the garage.
11:39Maybe you would like to explain to your son why you stole your best friend's mower?
11:44Oh, heh, heh, heh. Ah, heh. Well, you see, Bobby, uh, this isn't stealing. We were gonna give it back after we made Mr. Gribble. Ah. Sometimes things that are jokes seem a little mean, but they're actually funny.
12:04Oh, I see. Kinda like when they fed the fourth-grade gerbil to the fifth-grade snake.
12:13No, Bobby, this is fun. It's not mean or dishonest. But don't tell Joseph, okay?
12:20Bobby, honey, go play outside. Your father and I have something to discuss.
12:25All right. We can use Photoshop and make it look like Lee Harvey Oswald's riding on his mower.
12:40Have you been sleeping, Dale? You got kinda that county fair smell.
12:49Check it out. It's finally making sense. Oswald? Mower? Grassy? No? Eh?
12:59That photo doesn't even look real, Dale.
13:05Well, I'd like to live in your fairytale world, Hank. But the fair play for Cuba committee is retrofitting my mower's engine to power Fidel Castro's one-man escape sub.
13:21Huh. Dale, why don't you relax? Have a beer.
13:25No beer? Gotta stay sharp.
13:29He's going crazy.
13:37Yeah, man. I tell you what. I mean, like that dang old Margo Kidder, man.
13:41I don't want it around in a dang old cardboard box, man.
13:44Weep! Weep!
13:47Yeah, but I think we ought to give the mower back.
13:52We're putting extra stress on a structure that wasn't up to code in the first place.
13:58Let's tell them it was us.
13:59Well, that's easy for you to say. It's not your naked butt in that picture.
14:05You took the money.
14:08Still.
14:09It's me, Sherg.
14:22Nancy?
14:23All right, I'll buzz you in.
14:25Shouldn't you get some sleep?
14:37Sleep? I've never felt so alive.
14:42He...
14:43This is where all the preparation pays off.
14:49The binging, the purging, the constant inoculations.
14:57It's me.
15:10They know I'm getting close.
15:13Chug, you've got to get up early to kill the termite larvae at the college.
15:18You're not going to stay down here all night, are you?
15:22Time has no meaning for me.
15:24What is it?
15:251 a.m.?
15:263 a.m.?
15:28It's 6 a.m.?
15:29It's 6 a.m.?
15:32No.
15:33Oh.
15:35Is dinner ready?
15:37All right, I was going to have Jane Fonda observing the autopsy.
15:41What do you think? Is that too much?
15:43The boy at Kinko's said it was too much.
15:45Well, when he gets home, tell him it was all a joke and the mower was comfortably lubricated at all times.
15:56Okay.
15:58I don't know why you'd want to fool Dale like that.
16:00I mean, it's not hard if you're somebody you trust.
16:06But, hey, whatever turns you on, that's what I always say.
16:10You're going to have to speak clear.
16:17All right, listen.
16:17Whatever it is that you're eating, Bill, take it out.
16:20Out.
16:21Out.
16:21Take it out.
16:23Okay.
16:24That's better.
16:26Uh-huh.
16:27Hank, it's Bill.
16:28He says Dale's gone crazy.
16:31Huh?
16:31I was at junior college playing some pinball with the boys, and Dale's up in the tower.
16:38He's up there with a gun.
16:40I'll be right there.
16:41Don't call the police unless Dale starts shooting.
16:44Okay.
16:46I already called the police.
16:52What the?
16:53Clear the area.
16:55Go, go, go.
16:56Get some sharpshooters on the roof across the street.
16:58Now.
16:59Now.
17:10Where is he?
17:13Is he still up in the tower?
17:14Who, the sniper?
17:16He's not a sniper.
17:17He's my friend.
17:19Dale wouldn't shoot anybody.
17:20But he is president of the gun club.
17:24Yes, he is president.
17:27But only because he owns the most guns.
17:34Yep, it's all a big joke, isn't it?
17:36Until someone gets hurt.
17:39Mr. Cripple, we have the tower surrounded.
17:42Put down your gun.
17:52It's just a wand.
17:54Yes, right, Dale.
18:13Sure moves, boss.
18:15The police aren't trained for this.
18:20Let's go, gun club.
18:21But Dale's our president.
18:23I didn't vote for him.
18:25I have a hostage.
18:28A rusty shackle bird.
18:31Give him what he wants.
18:34I can't see the hostage.
18:36There is no hostage.
18:37Rusty Shackleford is the fake name he orders pizza with.
18:41Look, here's his mower.
18:44This way, sir.
18:46Just tell him you've got his mower and that it's safe.
18:51We have your mower.
18:54I know that, Fidelito.
18:57Hank, I was right.
19:00These Cubans have my mower.
19:02Watch out.
19:04Please, this is my fault.
19:07Dale, come down here before somebody gets hurt.
19:12Too late.
19:13I killed Shackleford.
19:17No, no, correction.
19:20Shackleford wants a pizza.
19:23What the hell's going on up there?
19:26And I want my mower back with enough gas to get to Canada.
19:31What does the book say?
19:33I don't know.
19:35Maybe tear gas.
19:37I want the CIA to sell off its fantastic hairstyle and subsidiary.
19:46Is that all you got?
19:56I use stronger than this to kill squirrels.
19:59Hey, go down, man.
20:07Come on, man.
20:08What are you doing up there, man?
20:09All the time that's crazy, man.
20:10Oh, come on down, man.
20:12I ain't seen that, you know.
20:13Boom hour, if I ever heard anyone reading a script, that was it.
20:19Wait, no.
20:32Let me go up there.
20:33He'll listen to me.
20:35Well, gee, Hank, I think you'd be the person Dale would most want to kill.
20:39Hank, I loved Dale, too, but the Dale we knew no longer exists.
20:45Now there's just a bloodthirsty mad dog out to kill, kill, kill.
20:51Officer, please let me go.
20:56If he starts freaking out, just duck and we'll shoot him in the head.
21:01Don't shoot him in the head.
21:03Book says head.
21:04Hey, Dale?
21:12Dale, it's Hank Hill, your friend.
21:16Our third grade teacher was Mr. St. George.
21:28I knew it.
21:30There's no gun, so you can all go home now.
21:33Drive safely.
21:35Uh, we're not quite done here.
21:39Why don't you bring Mr. Sniper down and we'll talk this over.
21:43No, that's their plan.
21:46One shot on the way down eliminates the Gribble problem.
21:50Then the Cuban robot soldiers have only Steve Wynn standing between them and Wichita.
21:57Dale, there are no robots and there are no Cubans.
22:01Cubans.
22:02If there are no Cubans, how do you account for Desi Arnaz?
22:06Okay, there are Cubans, but they had nothing to do with...
22:11All right.
22:13You want to know what happened?
22:15When you got your mower, you were sort of acting like a jerk and...
22:20Well, I'm not proud of what I did, but...
22:23Mr. Hill, move six inches to your left to clear a path for the you-know-what into Mr. Gribble's head.
22:31No!
22:31Listen, Dale, we're the ones who took your mower.
22:37Bill, Boomhauer, and me, your friends.
22:40It was my idea.
22:42Uh...
22:43W...
22:44What are you saying?
22:47Mr. Hill, you dropped something.
22:49Don't you want to bend down and...
22:51Cut it out!
22:52Please, Dale, come on down before you get yourself killed.
22:57I don't believe you.
22:58The only possible scenarios are Castro's escaped sub, or you took it, and you would never betray me.
23:09We took it, Dale.
23:11You, uh, wrote your name under the seat.
23:15Called yourself a colonel.
23:19It was just a joke.
23:22Jokes start with knock-knock, or what do you get when you cross up?
23:28You know, you used to be on my list of trustables, and it was a very short list.
23:36I wasn't even on it.
23:38But now, I just don't know.
23:44I guess you're not my friend.
23:47Dale, if I could do it again, I'd...
23:51Hey, what the heck is that?
23:53I am too your friend.
23:55I'm as good a friend as a weirdo like you is ever going to have.
24:00Now, come on.
24:01We're running out of time.
24:02Do you trust me or not?
24:04Attention, men in police suits.
24:21I have decided to trust your patsy.
24:24My good friend, Hank Hill.
24:30Not yet.
24:30I'm coming down.
24:34If you're going to shoot me,
24:36I want Bobby Hill to take the shot,
24:39because Bobby will put me down clean.
24:43Okay.
24:48Stay calm.
24:50If they were going to shoot you, they'd have done it already.
24:53They want me to wet my pants from fear.
24:56But they're too late.
25:06Who's that?
25:08Vigilante!
25:09Hank!
25:10Oh!
25:13Hank!
25:14There he is.
25:15Up on the roof.
25:16Hank, no.
25:17Ah.
25:18Hank, no.
25:19Don't...
25:20Don't die.
25:21Oh, God, you're dying.
25:24Duh.
25:25I'll never forget you, Hank.
25:27I will bury you in my backyard.
25:30I'll...
25:31I'll dedicate my life to propane.
25:34And don't you worry about Peggy.
25:37I'll keep Bill away from her.
25:40I'm fine, Dale.
25:42But if you're serious about the propane,
25:44I've got some pamphlets...
25:45You're fine!
25:48You're wearing a bulletproof vest.
25:51You thought I was gonna shoot you.
25:54Well, that or spray me with poisonous chemicals.
25:59I thought you'd kill yourself right after.
26:04I would have, too.
26:05You're wearing a gun.
26:07I thought it was my way to go.
26:08I thought it would, too,
26:08you didn't know...
26:09You, you, you.
26:10Look if I can.
26:11I'm fine.
26:11You, I actually.
26:13CDC.
26:13I don't see you doing it, too.
26:14I don't know why, but we dont know
26:15люcy.
26:16I think we're not.
26:18I thought it was someone there, too.
26:20Take care.
26:21You, there you all.
26:21I didn't stop holding back
26:22nutrition, the talking.
26:23But eh.
26:24Wait a minute.
26:25Bye.
26:26Bye.
26:26Bye.
26:27Bye.
26:27Bye.
26:28Bye.
26:29Bye.
26:29Bye.
26:31Bidou он,
26:32Can you mow your lawn or hurt?
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