- ayer
KAOS agent Octavia (Gayle Hunnicutt) destroys the Number Two men of CONTROL in succession, such that Hymie perforce becomes the newest Number Two. But Hymie might be precisely the right "man" for this job, inasmuch as Octavia is a gynoid.
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00:00Well, Chief, Agent 59 reports everything's absolutely normal in South America.
00:08How normal?
00:08Two revolutions and one assassination.
00:11What a week.
00:12Well, Chief, we've got everything here under control.
00:14I think we can lock up and go home for the weekend.
00:16An excellent idea.
00:18Oh, Chief, I forgot something.
00:20I'd like to talk to you about one more thing.
00:21What, Max?
00:22Well, I don't think we should talk right out here in the open, Chief.
00:25I think we should use the cone of silence.
00:27Oh, Max, every time we use the cone of silence, something terrible happens.
00:31Can't you just write it to me on a piece of paper?
00:33People can read a piece of paper, Chief.
00:35I'll burn it afterwards.
00:36Ashes can be reassembled.
00:37I'll eat the note.
00:39They could operate on you and get it back.
00:42All right, Max.
00:43The cone of silence.
00:45Chief, could I work the controls this time?
00:48All right, Max, but I'm warning you, this is your last chance.
00:56Now, what was it?
00:57What was it you wanted to know, Max?
01:04Chief, could you let me have $20 until payday?
01:07So you got me in this thing just to ask for money?
01:10Are you out of your mind?
01:11Are you serious?
01:12Are you completely insane?
01:14One question at a time, Chief.
01:17Max, raise the cone of silence.
01:18You're not angry, are you, Chief?
01:20How would you feel if some simpleton used a class A security procedure merely in order
01:25to borrow $20?
01:26I don't believe it.
01:28Would you believe $30?
01:30Max, raise the cone of silence.
01:31I can't, Chief.
01:35The controls are outside.
01:39Well, how are we going to get out of here?
01:42Well, see if he can slip down under the cone of silence, Chief.
01:45I can't, Max.
01:48The arms of the chair touched the cone of silence.
01:50Well, maybe I can slip out this side.
01:53Okay, see if he can.
01:53The emergency alert.
02:0899, what's going on?
02:09What happened?
02:09Max, chaos has sabotaged a nuclear reactor in the Midwest, and it's running wild.
02:14If it isn't stopped within 72 hours, there's going to be a nuclear explosion.
02:17My gosh, we could lose the whole Midwest.
02:19We better get down to the lab and see Professor Carlson.
02:21Maybe he can give us some advice.
02:22Right, Max.
02:23Wait a minute, 99, I've forgotten something.
02:24What?
02:25I can't remember.
02:27Probably wasn't important.
02:28Come on.
02:28Let's go.
02:53Let's go.
02:58Let's go.
02:59Let's go.
03:00¶¶
03:30What do you mean, you forgot?
03:33Well, Chief, with all the excitement about the nuclear reactor and everything, I...
03:36Wait a minute, Chief.
03:37You're not going to let this affect my efficiency rating, are you?
03:40I'm up for Agent of the Year, you know.
03:42I should, but if you complete this mission successfully, you still have a chance.
03:45Oh, well, thank you, Chief.
03:46I want that silver cup more than anything in the world.
03:48How does the tooth cap feel?
03:50You think it'll stay in, Chief?
03:52Oh, it'll adhere to the tooth immediately.
03:54It's made of a new tissue-thin plastic.
03:56You won't even know it's in your mouth.
03:58Good, Chief.
03:58Now, Max, remember, if that nuclear reactor isn't fixed within 72 hours, it'll produce a devastating nuclear blast.
04:05Now, the plans to fix it are on microfilm in that cap.
04:09That's a big responsibility, Chief.
04:10It certainly is.
04:11The future of the Midwest is in your mouth.
04:13It couldn't be in a safer place.
04:16Well, come in, 99.
04:17I was just briefing Max on the nuclear reactor mission.
04:20Right, Chief.
04:20I just picked up the train tickets for Chicago.
04:23Train tickets?
04:24I thought we were in a hurry.
04:25We are, but the airport is fogged in, so you'll have to go by train.
04:29Now, I want you and 99 to pose as a honeymoon couple.
04:31Well, wait a minute, Chief.
04:33Shouldn't we save the honeymoon cover until we have a mission in Niagara Falls?
04:39Chaos will be right on your tail, and they'll stop at nothing to get at that cap.
04:43So be careful.
04:44Right, Chief.
04:44Oh, and one more thing.
04:46This mission is so top secret that for the next 72 hours, you'll be entirely on your own.
04:51You won't even be able to contact control.
04:53You won't know me, and I won't know you.
04:56Good luck, Max.
04:57I beg your pardon.
04:58I don't believe we've met.
04:59Max, where's the mic?
05:30In a cap in my tooth.
05:31Oh, no.
05:32I wish the Chief hadn't done that again.
05:34Why not?
05:35Well, don't you remember Agent 42 and Agent 18?
05:37They were both found dead.
05:39And toothless.
05:43Max, don't look now.
05:45I think those two men are chaos agents.
05:47There's one in a belted raincoat.
05:49I think that's Raspinito.
05:50Don't be ridiculous, 99.
05:52Not everybody in a belted raincoat is a secret agent.
05:54I know that, Max, but I recognize them from the chaos mug shots.
05:57Well, there's only one way to find out.
06:00You stay here.
06:01Right.
06:01You stay here.
06:07Oh, my God.
06:37Well, Max.
06:42I think they're following me, but I'm still not convinced they're from chaos.
06:50Now I'm convinced.
06:52But you've got to get rid of the tooth.
06:54You're right. I can't take a chance. I'm being caught.
06:56We'll have to split up. Use Plan 4A.
06:59Right, Max.
07:07Here we go.
07:37Hey, what were you going on?
07:40Excuse me.
07:41Play it, don't.
07:46Psst.
07:50Are you all right, 99?
07:51I gave him the slip, Max.
07:52What happened to the chaos man that was following you?
07:54I eliminated him.
07:55What'd you do with the body?
07:58It cost me 20 cents. Remind me to put it on my expense account.
08:02What'd you do with the tooth?
08:04I had to slip it into some guy's mouth.
08:05Come on, let's go get it.
08:06Right.
08:08Your attention, please.
08:10Train leaving for Columbus, Chicago, and Juliet State Penitentiary.
08:15Now boarding on track four.
08:16All right, Franco. Come on, let's go.
08:18Lady, man, I've just got to get that tooth back.
08:40But, Max, how can you?
08:41That man's in the penitentiary.
08:42Well, it's all very simple.
08:44I've got to get into the penitentiary, into his cell, and into his mouth.
08:47Max, why don't you just call the chief?
08:49I can't do that, 99.
08:51You know I can't contact control.
08:52This mission is too top secret.
08:54Besides, my reputation is at stake.
08:56I'm up for agent of the year.
08:58Max, this is an emergency.
09:00In 72 hours, that nuclear reactor will blow up.
09:03The entire Midwest will go.
09:04Well, 99, no one cares more about the Midwest than I do.
09:08I'm sure that's true, Max.
09:09Not going to let them down.
09:11I'm sure you won't.
09:12After all, 99, some of my best friends are Midwesterners.
09:16Waiter.
09:17What are you going to do, Max?
09:18I'm going to have myself arrested.
09:19Oh.
09:20By not paying the check.
09:22Now, look, I don't want you to be embarrassed, so you better get out of here.
09:24Right, Max.
09:25Good luck.
09:28Waiter.
09:28Yes, sir.
09:29Check, please.
09:34Now, if you'll just call the manager.
09:36Sir, isn't the bill added correctly?
09:38Oh, it's added beautifully.
09:39And what seems to be wrong?
09:40Nothing.
09:41I'm just not paying it.
09:43I'm Mr. Shulman.
09:45Is something wrong?
09:46He, he doesn't want to pay the bill.
09:48That's right.
09:49I'm not paying the check.
09:50So you might as well get it over with and have me arrested.
09:54Well, sir, if you left your wallet at home...
09:57I did not leave my wallet at home.
09:59I deliberately came in here without any money.
10:02Well, perhaps you're a little short this week.
10:04That's all right.
10:05You can pay us next week.
10:06We'll trust you.
10:09What are you talking about?
10:11This is an open and shut case of premeditated fraud.
10:13And I demand justice.
10:15Take it easy, sir.
10:17Look, what's the trouble?
10:18Did you lose your job?
10:19That's nothing to be ashamed of.
10:20It could happen to any of us.
10:22I did not lose my job.
10:24Now, are you going to have me arrested or am I going to call the cops?
10:27You don't want that kind of trouble.
10:29Think of your wife.
10:30Think of your kids.
10:31Look, if you're having financial problems, why don't you let me help you out a little?
10:36Me, too.
10:36I'd hate to see a young man like you turn into a no-good.
10:39How about it, folks?
10:40Let's help this young no-good out.
10:41Yeah, come on.
10:43That's right.
10:53Max.
10:54How do I look, 99?
10:55Oh, so handsome.
10:57I know that, 99.
10:58What I mean is, do I look dangerous?
11:00Oh, yes, Max.
11:00Very dangerous.
11:01You've got to get arrested this time.
11:03Don't worry.
11:04It's as good as done this time.
11:05Is that cop still around the corner?
11:07Yes, he is, Max.
11:09Max, someone else is coming.
11:10Good.
11:10When I stick him up a yell and that cop is bound to hear him, I'm as good as in jail now.
11:14You better get out of here, 99.
11:15Right, Max.
11:21All right, buddy.
11:22This is a...
11:23A stick-up?
11:24Right, a stick-up.
11:25Go ahead, my boy.
11:27Express your hostilities.
11:28I am a psychiatrist.
11:29I understand these things.
11:31What are you talking about?
11:32What is it?
11:33It's the same old story?
11:34A broken home?
11:35A feeling of rejection?
11:37A competitive mother?
11:38Look, don't confuse me.
11:40This is my first stick-up.
11:41Father fixation?
11:42Sibling rivalry?
11:43Inferiority conflict?
11:45My boy, speak freely.
11:46What is it you are trying to say?
11:48I'm trying to say, hand over your money.
11:51You don't want my money?
11:54I don't.
11:55No.
11:56What you want is love, friendship, understanding, communication, a sense of belonging.
12:03Police!
12:04Yes, and you want the police too.
12:06You are deliberately trying to get yourself arrested.
12:08And do you know why?
12:10You bet your sweet life I know why.
12:12Police!
12:13Guilty.
12:14You are trying to punish yourself for crimes you are not even aware of.
12:17Your failure to your mother.
12:19Your failure to yourself.
12:20I don't believe this.
12:23Look, are you going to stick them up or aren't you?
12:25My boy, there's no time to lose.
12:27Mental health is passing you by.
12:30In other words, you're not going to stick them up.
12:34Here is my cart.
12:35I'll see you at my office tomorrow morning at 9.
12:38There you can talk openly and find out where you are really going.
12:44If you'd stuck them up in the first place, I'd be there already.
12:50Hey, buddy, there's a law against littering.
12:58I know it, officer, and it's a darn good law.
13:01What are you, some kind of a wise guy?
13:03What's your name?
13:05Maxwell Smart.
13:07Listen, I can't hang around here.
13:08I've got to go to work.
13:10You'll stay right here until I finish writing out this ticket.
13:13Look, copper, I don't have time for tickets.
13:15Now beat it.
13:16Listen, one more word out of you and I'll run you in.
13:18Oh, really?
13:20That's right.
13:22Hold this.
13:23Mr. Smart, I hope you realize that deliberately defying an officer is a serious offense.
13:47Yeah, yeah, I know, Your Honor.
13:49I hope you throw the book at me.
13:51Well, I don't think that's necessary.
13:53Since this is your first offense, I'm letting you off with a warning.
13:56A warning?
13:57Now, don't thank me.
13:58Just see that it doesn't happen again.
14:00Case dismissed.
14:02Now, wait a minute, Your Honor.
14:03If you don't mind, I'd like to say a few words in my own defense.
14:06All right, Mr. Smart.
14:08Well, I'll look, Your Honor.
14:10First of all, what I don't understand is how a nice, white-haired old fogey like you can let a litter bug like me loose on society.
14:18You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
14:20Now, smart, control yourself or I'll cite you for contempt.
14:22You're a disgrace to the bench.
14:25That'll be 30 days.
14:26Suspended sentence.
14:28Suspended sentence?
14:30This is an outrage.
14:31What are you on the take?
14:34Fellow, if you're looking for a bribe, forget it.
14:36That'll be 90 days in the county jail.
14:39Not enough.
14:40How did you get your job?
14:42Blackmail?
14:43Let me tell you this much, Buster.
14:44I got a few friends in high places, and I'm going to see that you end up in night court in Staten Island.
14:50That'll be one year in the state penitentiary.
14:53Thank you, Your Honor.
14:54The defense rests.
15:08All right, leave me alone.
15:20I can walk.
15:21Oh, no, sweetheart.
15:23What do you know what to say, kid?
15:27Sit down.
15:28Take a load off your feet.
15:32Max, how are they treating you?
15:33Like the common, ordinary criminal I am.
15:36I can't tell you what it does to me to see you in prison uniform.
15:40Well, what's the matter?
15:40Doesn't it fit?
15:42Have you seen Franco?
15:43No, I can't get near him.
15:45He's in with the murderers, and I'm in with the misdemeanors.
15:47Oh, Max, you've absolutely got to get into his cell.
15:50And when you do, you can use this.
15:52What is it, 99?
15:53It's a cake.
15:54Oh, no, I'm on a diet.
15:55Max, I baked dental instruments into the cake.
15:58You did what?
15:59Shh, Max.
16:02You baked dental instruments into the cake?
16:04That's a fantastic idea, 99.
16:06Where did you get it?
16:07Oh, it's not so fantastic, Max.
16:09It's an old trick, really.
16:10People have been baking things into cakes for years.
16:13You know, a horrible thought just struck me, 99.
16:16What?
16:17What if somebody thought of baking a file into a cake?
16:20Why, it could disrupt our whole prison system.
16:25Come on, get down here.
16:27Don't push, don't push.
16:29Get over here.
16:29I'm warning you, you dirty copper.
16:31Keep your filthy hands off me.
16:33Oh, come on.
16:34I'll be here.
16:34Okay, that did it.
16:35Hold this.
16:40Listen, I hope I wasn't out of line with that crack about filthy copper.
16:45All right, Smart.
16:53Come on, get in there.
16:58Oh, hi.
16:59I'm Maxwell Smart, your new cellmate.
17:01Hi, Murray.
17:02He's Franco.
17:03Oh, hi, Murray.
17:04Hello, Franco.
17:07Gee, he's got a beautiful smile.
17:09Are you kidding?
17:10Franco, he never smiles.
17:12Oh, well, that's probably because he's got nothing to smile about.
17:15Uh, Franco, listen to this one.
17:17Funny thing happened on the way over to the prison.
17:19Knock it off.
17:20Knock it off.
17:21He probably heard that one.
17:23Hey, what's a young punk like you doing in my cell?
17:28I slugged a guard.
17:29You did for what?
17:31Since when do you have to have a reason for slugging a guard?
17:34Hey, that's the kind of talk I like to hear.
17:37Why don't you grab that bunk?
17:38It's got a good mattress.
17:39Hey, wait a minute, Franco.
17:40You can't do that.
17:41That's my bunk.
17:42Shut up.
17:43Now, take my bunk.
17:44It's got a nice mattress.
17:46Thank you very much.
17:47Knock it off, you two.
17:49I'd like to have a little peace and quiet.
17:51Franco is getting sleepy.
17:53Hmm.
18:01No.
18:10Oh, come on.
18:14Oh.
21:29Franco, why did you murder your dentist?
21:32If it wasn't for that fink, my uppers would be in my mouth instead of that glass over there.
21:48Here's the cap with the microfilm.
21:50Good, Max, I'll get it to our Chicago contact immediately, and you'll still have a chance
21:57to be agent of the year.
21:58When is the chief going to get me out of here?
22:00Oh, within 24 hours, I'm sure, Max.
22:02There won't be any problem if you stay out of trouble.
22:0424 hours.
22:05Hmm.
22:06That's just perfect.
22:07That'll give me a chance to finish the license plate I'm working on in shop.
22:10Over there.
22:31Hello, 99.
22:33All right, chief.
22:33Hello, Max.
22:34Gee, it was nice of you to come and see me.
22:36Oh, you've done such a wonderful job, Max.
22:38We're so proud of you.
22:39That's right, Max.
22:40The whole country owes you its thanks.
22:42The country is welcome, chief.
22:43And, Max, it gives me great pleasure to bestow upon you the title of agent of the year.
22:48Congratulations, Max.
22:50Here's your silver cup, Max.
22:51You've earned it.
22:52Oh, gosh, chief.
22:54That's awfully nice.
22:55I don't know what to say.
22:57What's this, chief?
22:59Although, those are coffee grounds, Max.
23:01We were one cup short in the office this morning.
23:04Look, chief.
23:05When am I going to get out of here?
23:07We're working on it, Max.
23:08The wheels are in motion, but these things take time.
23:12Time?
23:13But I've been in here for six weeks already.
23:1799, say something.
23:19I'll wait for you, Max.
23:23Chief, if the other guys in here find out who I really am, I could be in a lot of trouble.
23:28Oh, no, that's all right, Max.
23:29The chief had a talk with the warden, and they figured out something to solve that problem.
23:32What?
23:33Solitary confinement.
23:35Oh, well, that's swell.
23:37But, look, chief.
23:38I'd like to get back to control and go to work.
23:40Max, I don't exactly know how to tell you this, but, well, control does have certain rules.
23:45So?
23:46Well, one of them is against hiring ex-convicts.
23:50Well, I've been prepared for something like this.
23:53What do you mean, Max?
23:54I'm busting out of here tonight.
23:56How?
23:57Well, I've learned a few things while I've been in here.
23:59And one of them is how to carve a piece of soap into a perfect imitation of a pistol.
24:07It's a little small, isn't it, Max?
24:10Well, I had a wash, didn't I?
24:11I'm a baby.
24:19¶¶
24:49¶¶
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