- ayer
The Choker kills the man Max was protecting. After the Chief orders him to go on vacation, Max decides instead to pursue the Choker to Casablanca. (This episode is notable for the impression done by Don Adams of Humphrey Bogart, as well as the two songs performed by Feldon, "There'll Be Some Changes Made" and Édith Piaf's well-known French chanson "La vie en rose".)
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00:00Flight number 103 for Los Angeles, arriving at gate 3.
00:11Don't move a muscle.
00:14Why not?
00:15That's a fountain pen you're holding.
00:18You security men don't miss a thing, do you?
00:21All public buildings are supplied with ballpoint pens, not fountain pens.
00:26It takes a trained eye like mine to detect a thing like this.
00:31One tap at this point and you could have been blown to bits.
00:35Now watch carefully while I remove the detonator.
00:40Now, do you know what we're going to find in this rubber tube?
00:46Ink.
00:48Right.
00:49We better get out of here fast because that ink might activate the paper.
00:54Come on, Doctor, let's go.
00:55Now, in exactly three and a half minutes, you'll be on board that plane and my job will be finished.
01:00In the meantime, just relax and I'll contact headquarters.
01:10Hello?
01:11This is 86 calling control.
01:13This is 86 calling control.
01:14Come in, control.
01:16Hello, Chief?
01:17This is 86.
01:18Oh, what is it, Max?
01:19Uh, mission XYX03 just about completed.
01:24What do you mean just about?
01:25Isn't Dr. Pliny on the plane?
01:27No, Chief, but he will be in an exactly one minute and 40 seconds.
01:32Well, then call me back in exactly one minute and 41 seconds.
01:35Come on now, Chief.
01:37Don't tell me that you're still worried about Dr. Pliny.
01:40After all, he is in my protective custody.
01:42And I've got agents stashed all over the terminal.
01:45I'll be with you in a minute, Doctor.
01:48Max, I have a strange feeling that Dr. Pliny is in danger.
01:51Don't be silly, Chief.
01:53We're standing right near the boarding ramp and Dr. Pliny is right beside me.
01:57On the floor.
02:00Max, is Dr. Pliny in trouble?
02:03Well, that all depends, Chief.
02:04Depends on what, Max?
02:08On whether his flight insurance covers being strangled in the terminal.
02:21On whether his flight insurance covers being strangled in the terminal.
02:51And he says,
02:53Oh,cassies are all this.
03:13Oh,cassies are all this.
03:1813 what did you see nothing i'm on my lunch break
03:26a man has just been murdered doesn't that mean anything to you not from 12 to 1
03:33listen 13 if you don't straighten up and fly right i'm gonna see that on your next assignment
03:39you're put inside of an incinerator are you threatening me 86 yes well you can't do anything
03:44to frighten me last week i was stationed in a stove the week before that in a chimney the week
03:48before that i was never mind forget it 13 didn't you hear or see anything at all yeah i'm sorry
03:5386 i didn't hey i got an idea why don't you ask agent 36 he's stationed in locker 39 right
03:58thanks a lot 86
04:02sorry about that 13. nice let's get back to the murder of dr cliney did you bring the murder weapon
04:11yes chief i have it right here obviously the work of the choker you know max he's strangled 375 of the
04:21free world's top scientists and we've never even gotten an eyewitness account of what he looks like
04:26or her what do you mean well after all chief the choker could be a woman well man or woman max the
04:33choker must be stopped right listen chief i have to go down to the lab and check on something i'll
04:38see you in a few minutes all right max we may have an eyewitness chief well that's the break we've been
04:44waiting for who is it a cab driver by the name of andrew babinski send him in
04:49andrew babinski yeah
04:55now what are you guys some kind of spies or something mr babinski can you tell us exactly
05:02what you saw well i seen this mugger choking this old guy he was pulling on his tie you saw this
05:08happening sure well didn't you think it was strange look mister i worked the night shift i don't think
05:13nothing strange did you get a good look at the assailant what do you think i was standing right
05:18there waiting waiting i thought after they finished they might want a cab
05:22mr babinski what i'm trying to get out of you is can you describe the man look if you want to make
05:29a buck you gotta hustle what did the killer look like well he wasn't too tall he was kind of pale and
05:37weak looking with this long nose and black beady eyes that's him there there that's maxwell smart
05:47one of our men he's the killer i saw him of course you saw me i was guarding dr pliny while he was
05:53being strangled he has a guy pinned i saw it with my own eyes all right thank you mr babinski
05:58he's got killer's eyes that'll be all mr babinski sure you don't want a cab
06:03no how about you killer get him out of here come on that's some swell witness you've got there
06:11that's too bad we were counting on that man for his description of the choker
06:15hello oh yes 77 what oh all right thank you 77
06:27they checked the airport thoroughly they didn't come up with anybody even remotely suspicious
06:31stymied again only one plane took off after dr pliny was killed the choker must be on it
06:38well where was that plane going chief casablanca i'm ready chief no max not you the choker might
06:44recognize you well not necessarily chief he was inside the locker well he might recognize your voice
06:49but i can change my voice chief i can play any part get a load of this no max forget it i'll have
06:55to take you off the case but i've spent a lot of time on this case chief well i'll arrange for you
06:59to take a little time off i think you need a respite is that anything like an aspirin it's a rest a
07:06vacation a respite well if there's anything i don't need at this time chief it's a respite
07:10i personally want to avenge the death of my very good and dear friend doctor what's his name
07:16max you're starting on a two-week vacation immediately do i have to chief that's an order
07:21okay chief okay but just remember this you'll be left all alone without my experience and know-how
07:29you'll be making hundreds of decisions without my advice and loving it
07:34no carlson i'm afraid disguise hp 61 won't work she just doesn't look like a boy thank you chief but
07:44chief the oriental house boy is the best disguise we've ever had agent 39 used it to crack the hong kong
07:49smuggling case carlson agent 39 was an oriental house boy he was try costume ld 813
07:57hello there's the chief oh hello max what is it listen chief i've been thinking good max the
08:07vacation's helping already oh chief i've been thinking that the reason that you're sending
08:11me on vacation is because you're not happy with my work oh put it this way your work is as good as
08:16it's ever been oh good then i can go back on the case no max well look let me put it another way
08:22chief are you angry because of what happened to dr pliny why should i be angry just because a man you
08:28were protecting was strangled while standing right beside you oh then i'm back on the case
08:34max absolutely positively definitely no listen chief if you're undecided i can call you back
08:41oh yes 99 that's much better it's lovely chief but what's my cover a vocalist you're kidding i've
08:55heard you sing 99 you're very good but i'm an amateur well you've just turned professional
08:59congratulations we're booking you into the bent parrot cafe in casablanca the bent parrot the watering
09:06hole of the world's most notorious double agents yes a melting pot of criminals of all races and
09:11creeds and the headquarters of the choker right they have a policy of hiring offbeat singers i'm not
09:18offbeat chief i'm off key better not be 99 your life may depend on it right chief oh 99 yes don't say
09:26anything about this to max oh chief i wouldn't he'd be absolutely crushed if he knew i was taking over this
09:32case yes and he might try to follow you to casablanca that's why i'm putting him on a plane to canada
09:36today listen chief why don't you join max you could use a vacation i mean just imagine it an isolated
09:42cabin on a snow-clad mountain just you and max
09:46i don't understand chief you didn't have to drive me to the airport i want to make sure you get on
10:02that plane why are you trying to get rid of me you're supposed to be like a father to me
10:07all right max i'm your father now make believe you're a good boy and i'm sending you to camp
10:12okay but on one condition what's that if i get homesick can i come back no
10:19all right do me one favor will you chief what while i'm gone try to keep the case open
10:23well you know i can't make a promise like that max last call for flight number 14
10:27leaving for quebec now boarding have a good vacation max
10:41and now ladies and gentlemen
11:08direct from the boy boy club in new york we present for your elegant dining pleasure
11:13a songstress who needs no introduction an enchantress of a thousand and one nights
11:19i can see you're impatient to meet her so without any further delay here she is
11:24for there's a change in the weather there's a change in the sea so from now on there'll be a change
11:40in me my walk will be different my talk and my name nothing about me's gonna be the same
11:53way of living if that ain't enough then i'll change the way that i strut my stuff
12:01because nobody wants you when you're old and gray there'll be some changes made today
12:11there'll be some changes made
12:13i'm gonna change my long tall daddy for a little short fat
12:20i'm gonna change the number i'm gonna change the number where i live at
12:25i must have some love and or i'll fade away
12:31there'll be some changes made today
12:43i know monsieur are you perhaps an american tourist
13:01tremendous guess you are dressed a little strangely after all the uh temperature here is 101 degrees
13:09oh really well i find it quite chilly i find that hard to believe monsieur
13:15would you believe comfortably cool i don't think so
13:20how do the words heat prostration grab you
13:22when he takes me in his arms he talked to me in his arms he talked to me in his arms
13:33i see the red plane
13:39he told me some words of love
13:43words of every day
13:47and it's something
13:52music
13:55to hear
13:56the words
13:57make
13:58is
13:59not
14:00a
14:01m
14:02what
14:02we
14:02you
14:04you
14:05we
14:07we
14:09we
14:11we
14:14we
14:16we
14:17we
14:18we
14:20we
14:21And as soon as I see it, then I feel in myself my heart that breaks.
14:41When he takes me in his arms, he speaks to me.
14:49I see the red plane.
14:55He speaks to me words of love, words of every day.
15:03He speaks to me.
15:09He speaks to me.
15:15He speaks to me.
15:17He speaks to me.
15:23He speaks to me.
15:25He speaks to me.
15:29He speaks to me.
15:31He speaks to me.
15:35He speaks to me.
15:39He speaks to me.
15:41He speaks to me.
15:43He speaks to me.
15:45He speaks to me.
15:47He speaks to me.
15:51He speaks to me.
15:53He speaks to me.
15:57He speaks to me.
16:07He speaks to me.
16:13Hello, long distance?
16:14I want to call Washington D.C.
16:16You can now dial Washington direct.
16:19The area code is 202.
16:21Operator, the light is a little dim in here.
16:24I wonder if you'd mind dialing it for me.
16:26Yes, sir.
16:26The number is 547-2791.
16:30Thank you, sir.
16:31That will be 75 diehards for the first three minutes, please.
16:35Operator, I'm dialing from my shoe.
16:37Is that a private shoe or a pay shoe?
16:40Under what name is the shoe listed, sir?
16:43That smells smart.
16:44Thank you, sir.
16:45I will connect you.
16:48Hello, chief.
16:49Max?
16:49Nice to hear from you.
16:50How's the weather up there among the big pines?
16:53A little warmer than we expected, chief.
16:56Don't give up, Max.
16:57Maybe tonight you'll have a nice snowstorm.
16:59I doubt that very much, chief.
17:02Oh, chief, by the way, how is 99?
17:0699?
17:07She's fine, Max.
17:09Oh.
17:10Is she there?
17:11I mean, in Washington?
17:13Sure, Max.
17:14She's right in the next room working.
17:15You want to talk to her?
17:17No, that's all right, chief.
17:19Just tell her I said hello.
17:20Okay, I'll do that.
17:22Uh, chief, you remember our conversation when we decided that the choker might be a woman?
17:27Yes, Max, but forget the choker.
17:28Just enjoy your vacation and try not to get frostbite.
17:31That I can promise you, chief.
17:41Hello?
17:41Chief, 99.
17:43Oh, hello, 99.
17:43Trouble?
17:44Well, not exactly, chief.
17:46But there's a man here in Casablanca that looks exactly like Max.
17:50Well, it couldn't possibly be Max.
17:52He's in Canada.
17:52I put him on the plane myself.
17:54You're absolutely certain that he's in Canada, chief?
17:57Absolutely certain, 99.
17:58He called me from there not five minutes ago.
18:00Hmm.
18:02Chief, do you remember the cab driver?
18:05Well, remember he said he saw Max kill Dr. Pliny.
18:08Well, maybe this man that looks like Max is really the choker.
18:12I think you're right, 99.
18:14Well, shall I put Plan 7 into action?
18:16Right away, 99.
18:17Oh, and one other thing, 99.
18:19The man you're dealing with is a deadly assassin.
18:22Don't let the fact that he looks like Max slow your reflexes.
18:25If he makes one questionable move...
18:27I'll know it's not Max.
18:29Max.
18:41Where have you been?
18:48I've been waiting for you all night.
18:50Are you talking to me?
18:52You sound strange.
18:53Do you have a cold?
18:55No, I'm all right.
18:56What's up?
18:57I want guns and ammunition.
18:59I'll pay your price, no questions asked.
19:01Well, not so fast, fat man.
19:03First, we'll have a few beers and we'll listen to the music.
19:05Then we'll talk business.
19:07You need the guns immediately.
19:08We're planning to overthrow the government.
19:10Which government?
19:11What's the difference?
19:12Long as we make a profit.
19:13Muh!
19:14Yes, well, I gotta go along with you on that.
19:16Contact me within 12 hours.
19:18I shall be waiting for your call.
19:26Did you get the information?
19:29Look, Buster, you know what's gonna happen if Sophia sees me talking to you?
19:32He's gonna slap my teeth out, then kick me in the stomach for mumbling.
19:35Now get lost.
19:35Ladies first.
19:43Ladies ass.
19:45Like me.
19:52Look, why don't you let me order you a ham sandwich?
19:55You're fighting me.
19:56All right, baby, I don't know what your game is, but whatever it is, let's get to the part
20:00where we put our cards on the table.
20:02I've got to talk to you.
20:05Okay, you've got two minutes.
20:06Start talking.
20:07I can't talk to you here.
20:08Come to my dressing room in about five minutes.
20:10All right.
20:11What am I gonna get in your dressing room that I can't get here?
20:13Me.
20:27Play it again, Sam.
20:28My name ain't Sam.
20:30Don't confuse me.
20:31I'm new in Casablanca.
20:32I'm new in Casablanca.
21:02Put your hands up very slowly.
21:20Now, maybe I can help you.
21:22What are you looking for?
21:24Well, I could say the Maltese Falcon, but you'd never believe me.
21:28Back up.
21:31Stand still.
21:32Now, are you or are you not Max?
21:35Max who?
21:36Maxwell Smart.
21:38Well, I could ask you the same question.
21:40Ask it.
21:41Are you or are you not Maxwell Smart?
21:44If you are Maxwell Smart, you better speak up fast before it's too late.
21:48I'm no more Maxwell Smart than you are 99.
21:53Max!
21:5499?
21:55Max, I thought it was you, but you're supposed to be in Canada.
22:00Well, I thought that you were in Washington.
22:01Oh, Max, I feel so much better now that you're here.
22:05Look, let me get out of this and we'll compare notes.
22:07What have you found out so far?
22:12Nothing much, Max.
22:13I've been concentrating on you.
22:15Frankly, I think this is a wild goose chase.
22:17I think the choker is 5,000 miles from here.
22:20I don't know.
22:21I don't think so.
22:22I think he's probably closer than we think.
22:25Possibly right under our noses.
22:26Maybe after we get to know some of those characters in the bar.
22:31Max?
22:35No!
22:43Max!
22:44You're all right.
22:45Yes.
22:47He fell for the old false neck trick.
22:56And this is what saved your life, eh, Max?
23:01Right, Chief.
23:02And you, 99, you did a particularly fine job.
23:04Oh, thank you, Chief.
23:05I enjoyed every minute of it.
23:07And you know something?
23:08I think blondes do have more fun.
23:12This false neck is an ingenious device.
23:14Max, who made it for you?
23:15The ingenious device department, Chief.
23:18Oh, of course.
23:19You see, I first had the idea about three weeks ago
23:22when the laundry sent back my shirts with too much starch in the collar.
23:25Tell me, Max,
23:27how did you know that the singer at the Bent Parrot was really 99?
23:31Well, after all, Chief, I am a trained agent.
23:34Nothing gets by me but the wind.
23:35The first thing I noticed was a walk.
23:37It's very hard to disguise a walk.
23:39Then there are certain vocal characteristics.
23:42Speech patterns, eh, Max?
23:43Right, Chief.
23:44You know what really gave her away?
23:46The way that she said two words.
23:48What were they?
23:49She said,
23:50I'm 99.
23:52What if I hadn't said anything, Max?
23:54Well, there are other methods, 99.
23:57For example, there's smell.
24:01As I stand here right now,
24:02I'm taking notice of that cologne that you're wearing.
24:06Seductive, subtle, feminine, mysterious.
24:10But, Max, I'm not wearing any cologne.
24:11I'm not wearing a cologne.
24:14That's a good one.
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