- ayer
As a Senate sub-committee threatens to shut down CONTROL, Siegfried invites Max to become an agent for KAOS.
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00:00I think it was a big mistake for accounting to send you down here.
00:12I'm only checking out our agents in accordance with Control's new directive on economy.
00:18Well, stay out of my way.
00:20In just a few minutes, Eric Kruger, one of Chaos' top agents, will be coming out of that theater door.
00:25Why don't you go in after him?
00:28I've seen the picture.
00:30Of course, by waiting for him outside the theater, you save Control a dollar and 80.
00:37Stand back. Here he comes now.
00:46All right, Kruger, hold it!
00:48Come on!
00:48I'll have to report you smart.
01:05Report me? What are you talking about, Perkins? That's Kruger, isn't it?
01:08Well, that may be Kruger, but you used three bullets when you could have used one.
01:13Oh, wait a minute, Perkins. I know there's a cutback on appropriations, but this is ridiculous.
01:17The directive states, all agents will economize on bullets, exploding capsules, and suicide pills.
01:26Suicide pills? Are you kidding? I've saved control a fortune on suicide pills.
01:32Why, in all the years I've been with them, I've only taken six or seven, and that was only to please the chiefs.
01:40Smart, that makes four.
01:43Perkins.
01:44I don't know how we're going to explain four bullets in Kruger.
01:48Well, maybe we could say that three of them were self-inflicted.
01:53You've been hit.
01:55I better get you an ambulance.
01:57Oh, no, I'll take a crosstown bus.
01:59A crosstown bus? But you need a doctor.
02:03Oh, no, Control's budget could never stand it.
02:06I'll just wash out the wound myself and put on a little iodine.
02:09Well, I'd better call the chief and tell him we've got our man.
02:20What number are you calling?
02:23555-9417.
02:25I'm sorry, that number has been disconnected.
02:29Disconnected?
02:30For failure to pay their bill.
02:39Well, come on, we'd better get down to headquarters and find out about this.
02:42My car's parked right outside in the street.
02:44Is that little red car out there yours?
02:46Yes, it is.
02:47I'm from the finance company. We're repossessing it.
02:50Repossessing it?
02:51Control missed two payments. Sorry, but I have to take it back.
02:57That makes five.
02:58Who's that?
02:59Kruger.
03:00Can I have the car keys, please?
03:01Oh, one thing.
03:07Be careful of the machine gun in the exhaust pipe.
03:09It's been backfiring lately.
03:11Machine gun in the exhaust pipe. Right.
03:14Oh, another thing.
03:16Don't remove the radiator cap.
03:18It sprays a poisonous gas.
03:20Poisonous gas from radiator. Right.
03:23Oh, one last thing.
03:25Don't use the cigarette lighter.
03:27It's a hand grenade.
03:29Lighter is a hand grenade.
03:31Right.
03:32You've got a dangerous car there.
03:34I don't know why you say that.
03:36It's got seat belts.
03:41Well, Perkins, looks like we're gonna have to take the bus.
03:45Say, have you got 25 cents?
03:54Forgot to tell him about the gas pedal.
03:56No, no.
03:57If you got aину, I know it's a take on.
04:01Come on.
04:39We have to let the lab men go.
05:01Chief, do you know that they disconnected my shoe phone?
05:04Yes, I know, Max.
05:05And I'm afraid I'll have to take your gun.
05:10Holster?
05:14Well, at least I still have my tear gas pen.
05:22Chief, I don't have anything.
05:24Can't you at least give me a set of brass knuckles?
05:26Brass is too expensive, Max.
05:28I can let you have a new aluminum job.
05:31Aluminum knuckles?
05:32Not knuckles, Max.
05:35Knuckle.
05:35One will have to do.
05:38Oh, and I'll take that suicide pill.
05:40It's very expensive.
05:42Well, Chief, what are they going to use in place of the suicide pill?
05:45Well, if it's really necessary, I'd suggest a rope and a chair.
05:48But that's ridiculous, Chief.
05:51You know that chaos always searches its captives for rope and twine?
05:55Oh, that's right.
05:56Of course, if worse comes to worse, I can always beat myself to death with a chair.
06:00This cutback is ridiculous.
06:02Max, we're due in 15 minutes to plead our case before a closed session of the Senate subcommittee.
06:07Chief, you really think we can convince them to give control back its appropriation?
06:12I hope so, Max.
06:13But until then, we'll all have to tighten our belts.
06:16Listen, Chief, this may be the wrong time,
06:18but I've been meaning to ask you about that raise you promised me.
06:22Raise?
06:23What raise?
06:23This is no time to talk about a raise.
06:28Max, be careful.
06:30This fellow Dietrich, the committee council, he's a tough egg.
06:32Don't worry, Chief.
06:33I know what I'm doing.
06:34Gentlemen, our first witness is an agent of control, Maxwell Smart.
06:39Mr. Smart?
06:44Mr. Smart!
06:46What is it?
06:47Will you please take your seat?
06:50Just checking for hidden microphones.
06:53I can assure you there are none.
06:58Now, if you'll just speak into that microphone...
07:01Of course.
07:02Gentlemen, I hope you'll forgive me if I seem a little overcautious,
07:07but I'm sure you'll understand,
07:08you never know when a Senate investigating committee
07:11might be investigated by a Senate investigating committee.
07:18Is this thing on?
07:21But seriously, folks,
07:24I feel it only fair to say a word in the defense of control.
07:28Gentlemen, control needs money to operate.
07:31And let me tell you this,
07:32if we aren't operating,
07:34this country is in a lot of trouble.
07:40Mr. Smart, if you're quite finished,
07:42would you mind taking your seat?
07:43Certainly.
07:52Gentlemen, I submit that control
07:54is a secret police force answerable only to itself.
07:58I submit that it is extravagant in its budget,
08:01ineffectual in its conduct,
08:03and worthless to the national interest.
08:06He's on to us, Chief.
08:08Mr. Smart,
08:09how many arrested control make last year?
08:11I don't know.
08:12Who's the number one man in your organization?
08:14I don't know.
08:16How many cases were assigned to control last year?
08:19I don't know.
08:20What would you do if you were fired, Mr. Smart?
08:23They can't fire me.
08:25And why not?
08:26I know too much.
08:33This is secret.
08:35Get me a messenger.
08:36I will have him take a message
08:38to Mixwell Smart
08:40at Control's top secret headquarters,
08:43123 Main Street.
08:45And hurry.
08:47They may not be in business too much longer.
08:59Well, Chief,
08:59I'm afraid I didn't do too good at that hearing.
09:02Oh, don't blame yourself, Max.
09:03That Dietrich is deadly.
09:04Well, here, this letter is for you.
09:06It looks important.
09:09Chief, do you know who this letter is from?
09:11Who?
09:12It's from Siegfried,
09:13one of Chaos' top agents.
09:18He wants me to meet him at Rogers Park
09:20to discuss possible employment.
09:25They must know that Control is in financial trouble
09:27and is laying off agents.
09:29Don't worry, Chief.
09:30I'd never join Chaos.
09:32Now, wait a minute, Max.
09:33If you could infiltrate Chaos
09:35and uncover the Chaos man
09:37who is high in our government,
09:39well, that would prove to the committee
09:40how valuable our work is.
09:42Yes, I suppose it would.
09:44Let me see that letter a minute.
09:46Siegfried says he'll be disguised as an old woman.
09:49I want you to meet him disguised as an old man.
09:52Why, Chief?
09:54Well, to show Chaos that we're just as clever as they are.
09:57Well, okay, if you say so, Chief.
09:59It's just that I hate to have people think that I'm leaving Control.
10:02It looks like I'm deserting a sinking ship.
10:05We're not sinking, Max.
10:06Control is still in business.
10:08We're very much a going concern.
10:10I'll call Senator Palmer and arrange another meeting.
10:13Larrabee?
10:13Yes, sir.
10:18I want an appointment with Senator Palmer.
10:20Call him.
10:21On what?
10:22They took my phone away, too.
10:24Well, don't just stand there.
10:25Call him from the candy store on the corner.
10:27Yes, sir.
10:30Chief, you got a dime on you?
10:34Max.
10:34Max.
10:34Max.
10:34Max.
10:43Siegfried, is that smart over there?
11:01Yeah, it must be.
11:04I'll contact him.
11:05You return to hit Khoras, Hans.
11:07Yeah.
11:07Yeah, what?
11:08Yeah, sir.
11:08That's better.
11:09Good luck with the defector.
11:11I'll see you back at Chaos.
11:13All right, Siegfried, what's the deal?
11:24Smart Chaos is a growing organization,
11:28and you'll be working with a great bunch of boys.
11:31I don't know, Siegfried.
11:33I've heard they're not all as rotten as they pretend to be.
11:36Not as rotten?
11:38Are you kidding?
11:38They're all former quizmasters, disc jockeys,
11:42used car salesmen, TV repairmen, and politicians.
11:46Now, look, Siegfried.
11:47All I want you to do is to give me one good reason
11:50why I should join Chaos.
11:53Smart.
11:54In this world, there are the poor good guys and the rich bad guys.
12:00Which would you like to be?
12:02Glad to have you on board.
12:06You begin training school tomorrow.
12:09Training school?
12:10I don't need any training school.
12:13Yeah, smart.
12:13You must learn.
12:15We do things differently at Chaos.
12:17We have a unique course.
12:19Either you graduate or you are shot.
12:23You must have some interesting graduations.
12:25You don't know whether to come with a cap and gown or a blindfold.
12:29Well, now that our business is settled,
12:32what do you say we have our schnapps together?
12:34Are you kidding, Siegfried?
12:36I'm not taking you into a public bar dressed like that.
12:40What's the matter with the way I'm dressed?
12:42This is one of my best disguises.
12:44Well, if you must know, you look absolutely silly and ridiculous.
12:48Well, I could go home and change into a miniskirt.
12:51Never mind, Siegfried.
12:54I'll take you for one drink.
12:55One drink and that's all.
12:57What do you mean by that?
12:59One drink.
13:00No dinner.
13:01No dancing.
13:10Siegfried, are you absolutely sure this blindfold is necessary?
13:15I'm afraid so, smart.
13:16No one but me knows the location of Chaos Headquarters.
13:20No one?
13:22No one.
13:23Drive, Boris.
13:28You will start your training program in this class, smart.
13:33Excuse me.
13:35Hello?
13:44Hello?
13:46Ja.
13:47Smart is here now.
13:49I believe him to be a legitimate defector.
13:53Of course, sir.
13:54If he proves to be a double agent...
13:56Yes, sir.
14:11I used to have one of those.
14:13Hans.
14:14This is our class in advanced torture.
14:18It is here we teach our men how to withstand pain.
14:21We've done exhaustive research on the study of pain.
14:26Do it again.
14:27Quiet, stupid.
14:29We're not here for laughs.
14:30Clutch.
14:31It also has practical advantages.
14:36Hans is six feet, four inches tall.
14:38When he first joined Chaos, he was only five, nine.
14:43Hans.
14:43I would like you to meet Mixwell Schmartt, firmly the top agent at control.
14:55Americans make such inferior spies.
14:58No strength.
14:59Ah, you are unfair, Hans.
15:02Schmartt was a giant in his former service.
15:04Tell us, Schmartt, what does control teach you to do if a man comes at you with a knife and tries to strip you?
15:11That depends on whether he's a friend or an enemy.
15:15Let us show you the Chaos way.
15:30That is how Chaos teaches its men to handle an attacker.
15:34If you don't mind, Siegfried, I'd like to try that again.
15:41One more time.
15:51Ah, pull up!
16:02Okay, that's enough.
16:04I think I've proved my point.
16:06Well, it's good.
16:06That dummy fell for the same trick three times.
16:10I fear that Hans is a little too much for you.
16:13Why don't you try hitting him in the stomach?
16:17Good idea.
16:18Hans, for you?
16:36Jawohl.
16:37I fear that Hans is a little too much for you.
17:07what are you doing here you should be studying for tomorrow's exam oh yes of
17:14course when you see Siegfried I thought it would be a lot easier to study for
17:18tomorrow's exam if I had a copy of it tonight excellent all the world loves a
17:25cheat I get the exam you just passed it oh well that's great certainly calls for
17:31a drink do you have any beer do I some fine lager from Bavaria
17:36you know Ziggy you and I have had some great time
18:01together yeah do you remember the time you tried to smuggle that Japanese
18:05scientist out of America but we didn't let you oh yes whatever happened to him I
18:11still have him I didn't have the heart to kill him and besides he does such a
18:16wonderful job on my garden
18:20you know you know smart I have always liked you even when I was trying to kill you do you remember
18:32that time you swallowed a formula for the new missile carrying submarine oh yes and you gave
18:39orders to that chaos doctor to cut my stomach out and you kept asking me if chaos was covered by blue
18:46crows yes and the chief rescued me just in time just before that doctor made his incision the joke was
18:54a new smart that man wasn't a doctor really but he held a knife right over my stomach he was guessing
19:03you know smart is a curious super spy I act way sure of myself so tough but deep down I am feeling it
19:24filled with doubts all the spying and killing in the war between us
19:31hmm you wonder if it's all necessary no I wonder why we are not really
19:39Siegfried
19:46yeah Maxwell smart is not a true defector you know what to do liquidate him I think for mr. smart the jig is up
20:06oh hello Hans would you like a little beer it's from Bavaria what were you doing on her Siegfried's phone and what have you done to her Siegfried
20:13it was a wrong number and mr. Siegfried is asleep too much party I must awaken him using this phone is
20:20forbidden this act must be reported good thinking Hans I'm not your usual chaos
20:27killer you know I think about things I'll bet you do say Hans I wonder if you'd mind if I tried
20:33punching you in the stomach again if you in the stomach again if you like but this time you won't catch me by surprise
20:40okay stomach ready all right go ahead
20:48gentlemen you will be distressed to learn that the subcommittee will recommend that the appropriation for control be denied
20:55your agencies had quite a run for its money but now the jig is up
21:02okay
21:06stomach ready all right go ahead
21:09gentlemen you will be distressed to learn that the subcommittee will recommend that the appropriation for control be denied
21:14your agencies had quite a run for its money but now the jig is up
21:21what did you say Dietrich I said the jig is up it's a figure of speech
21:28indeed it is mr. Dietrich and that figure of speech was all I needed to expose you as a foreign spy in the employ of chaos
21:35Max what are you saying well how about it Dietrich it's ridiculous
21:42smarts taking a last desperate gamble to make the committee think that control serves a useful purpose
21:48why he wasn't even able to learn anything posing as a defector to chaos
21:53Dietrich how did you know that I was a defector to chaos only the chief and I and chaos knew that
22:00any one of you comes near me the senator dies
22:05it won't work Dietrich
22:07Senator Harper is not up for reelection
22:10Max we can't risk the senator's life
22:13you haven't got a chance Dietrich
22:15oh no
22:16you wouldn't dare jump it's 14 stories
22:19not me all of you
22:21oh well that's different in that case you've got a chance
22:24except for one thing
22:26one shot from that pistol and the cops will come rolling in here like oranges
22:29your point smart
22:31but the game is mine
22:33that door is locked Dietrich
22:35wrong smart
22:37wasn't the elevator working
22:45yes but it was on the ground floor
22:48well gentlemen it may interest you to know that mr. Dietrich with one jump has just broken the indoor freefall record
22:54Max what was your first clue that Dietrich was a chaos agent
22:58it was an expression he used chief
23:00but why did he pull a gun
23:01perhaps he knew the jig was up
23:03exactly what I was thinking
23:04you see chief when I got that phone
23:06I think I may have just made a terrible mistake
23:13ah smart nice to see you
23:16Siegfried what in the world are you doing here
23:17have an ice cream
23:18oh thank you
23:19so smart this round goes to you
23:23I should have known you'd never defect to chaos
23:30well I certainly hope I didn't make you look too bad in the eyes of your superiors
23:38well it was a little embarrassing since I did recommend you and since you did expose our top men in government but chaos is made up of reasonable men they believe and forgive and forget
23:45good
23:48say this certainly is a wonderful cover you've got here
23:52what cover this is how I make my living
24:02and redesign
24:04the
24:08the
24:17the
24:23the
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