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Short filmTranscript
00:00And steer you like three!
00:05So unrealistic, Derek Jeter doesn't strike out on three curveballs in a row.
00:09Did you know that the laws of physics suggest that the curveball is actually impossible?
00:14Why do you have to ruin stuff like that?
00:16The curveball is impossible. Don't eat that, it's solid mold.
00:20That's not a dog, it's a possum. Stop letting it lick your face. Why?
00:25I gotta get to school.
00:27Dude, let me let you in on a little secret.
00:28You don't live with your mom anymore. You don't have to go to school.
00:32Stay here, we'll have fun.
00:34Man, I really have to finish some work.
00:36Well, so you can work here. There's this comfy couch, a lamp, pens. What else do you need?
00:41A Cray T3 E-1200 supercomputer.
00:45The lamp has three settings.
00:49Just, I don't have anyone to hang out with here. Do you have to go to school every day?
00:52Isn't the teacher ever sick? Or you get like a snow day or something?
00:55There are not too many snow days in L.A.
00:58Oh, it's funny you mention that, because I'm studying a climate change scenario right now where the polar ice caps melt and...
01:03Oh, just go.
01:04Well, I know I can beat you.
01:17Yeah, you're right.
01:19This is a new low.
01:20You want to be all right, you got to watch all.
01:38Everything's gonna be all right, man.
01:40Everything's gonna be all right, man.
01:43Right, you're right, you're right, you want to be all right, you got to watch all.
01:47Yeah, you're right, you're right, you got to watch all.
01:52Did you break another piece off the wall?
02:11It's just begging to be climbed.
02:14I just wanted to drop off Michael's laundry. I got to get back to the salon.
02:17You're going in this late?
02:19Yeah, my first client canceled. Cut, rest her soul.
02:24I was hoping you could stay. I was thinking maybe we could hang out.
02:27What, is something wrong?
02:28I don't know. I mean, I like L.A. and all, but being between projects and not knowing that many people yet, I'm kind of lonely.
02:35How are you supposed to make friends as an adult?
02:37Have you met anybody nice in the building?
02:39Well, there actually is this one guy, Jake. He lives across the courtyard. He seems really cool.
02:43Well, have you talked to him?
02:44Kind of, yeah. I've run into him a couple times by the mailboxes. He's always going out to play basketball with his friends.
02:50Man, if I knew him, I could play ball with them, too, assuming they also suck.
02:55So why don't you be friends with him?
02:57Yeah, why don't I just catch a rainbow and put it in my pocket?
02:59Oh, come on. It should be easy for you. It's like picking up a girl. How do you do that?
03:07I don't know. I kind of go into a zone, you know? I just start talking to a girl, and the next thing I know, I'm sneaking out of her apartment.
03:16And maybe you and Michael should have a party, like a housewarming. Invite the whole building. Have Jake come.
03:20Yeah. That's a great idea. I can call Jake right now. I know from the mailboxes that his last name is Morgan.
03:27Eh, more than just a hat rack, Gina.
03:32Hey, Morgan, Morgan. Shoot, there's like ten J Morgans. If only I knew his address.
03:43Yeah, here's a guy with the same address as me.
03:47Right, got it. I'm on it.
03:50You hear that? That might be Jake. Should I go talk to him?
03:55Go, Joey. Go grab your rainbow.
04:00Jake, Jake, Jake. Hey, what's up, man?
04:03Joey, right?
04:04Well, my friends call me Jay Bird.
04:08Uh, anyway, uh, my roommate and I are having a little party Thursday for everyone in the building.
04:14Oh, yeah, sure. I'll stop by.
04:15Awesome. Yeah, you won't be sorry. The Jay Bird throws a great party.
04:20Why do I keep calling myself that? Hold it together, Jay Bird.
04:31Hey, Joey.
04:32Hey.
04:33Come on. You want to say hello to me?
04:34Oh, I didn't even see you there. Hello, hello.
04:36Oh, your skin is so beautiful.
04:39Come on, off.
04:40Yeah, right.
04:42So, listen, I know you're having a party tonight, so I just wanted to drop off a list of rules about noise and parking and stuff.
04:48You know you're invited, right?
04:49Oh, okay.
04:50Oh, hey, Alex.
04:53Hi, Michael.
04:53Who are you on the phone with?
04:55Did you ever meet Seth from college?
04:57Was he the homeschooled kid with the glasses or the Asian kid allergic to light?
05:00I don't think you ever met him.
05:02He's this super competitive guy.
05:04He just called to gloat about this fellowship he won like I hadn't already read about it in the American Journal of Astrophysics.
05:10By the way, can we please get some new magazines for the bathroom?
05:13I mentioned the party to him, thinking, yeah, he's never going to come.
05:20Not only is he coming now, he wants to bring his girlfriend.
05:23So?
05:23You don't understand.
05:25If Seth Tobin has a girlfriend, it means, oh, God, it means I'm the last guy from my group of friends at school to have a serious relationship.
05:31The last.
05:32Even after the allergic to light guy?
05:35Arthur Trang does all right.
05:37I mean, if you tell a girl we have to sit here in the dark or I'll die, and stuff happens.
05:40That is going right in the arsenal.
05:47God, I'm so sick of Seth beating me all the time.
05:51You know what it's like to have someone who's like you, but just a little bit better?
05:54Yeah, Johnny Depp.
05:59I don't even want to go tonight.
06:01What?
06:02This is our party.
06:03The whole reason to have it was to do something together.
06:05I thought this party was for Jake.
06:06That's right, Jake is coming.
06:10You know what?
06:11You need a girlfriend tonight?
06:12I don't know this Seth guy.
06:13I'll be your girlfriend.
06:14Okay, Mom, no.
06:17We could be a couple.
06:18Aren't we a cute couple?
06:20People go to jail for things like that.
06:23Seriously, Mom, stop.
06:24You don't think I'm sexy enough?
06:26I mean, come on, this is the body of a 22-year-old.
06:28I mean, look how tight my...
06:29Please stop.
06:31What did you say?
06:32Well, first of all, oh so tight.
06:35And I could do it.
06:37You'd really do that for me?
06:38Yeah, I could be your girlfriend.
06:39I mean, after all, my husband's out of town.
06:41I could use a date.
06:42Alex, you're a married woman.
06:43Is that really appropriate?
06:44You know the word appropriate.
06:48Well, um, Alex, if you'd come with me tonight, I'd really appreciate that.
06:54Big step down, but whatever.
07:03Hey, your fake girlfriend's here.
07:06Oh, uh, is that what you're wearing?
07:08I just thought you were gonna show a little more skin.
07:10Well, sometimes what you don't see is sexier.
07:12Ha, only women think that.
07:16I'm s-no, I'm sorry.
07:18You look great.
07:18I'm just, I'm a little nervous about tonight.
07:20That's all.
07:20Uh, maybe we should get our story straight.
07:23I mean, if we blow this, Seth, you'll never let me hear the end of it.
07:26Okay, um, my middle name is Julia.
07:29I grew up in...
07:30Oh, actually, well, I had some thoughts about your backstory.
07:32My backstory?
07:36Veronica Rockefeller.
07:38Neurosurgeon slash bikini model.
07:41I'm sorry, am I not good enough for you?
07:43No, no.
07:44For believability, please lower your age to 30.
07:47Right.
07:48I'm 28.
07:51Hey, guys.
07:53Could you, uh, not stand by the door when Jay comes in?
07:55I don't want you two to be the first people he sees.
07:58Come on.
07:58Hi.
08:04No, no, no.
08:05Ego, indigo.
08:08Seth.
08:09Sorry I'm late.
08:09I had a congratulatory phone call from Stephen Hawking.
08:12An honor.
08:13Sure, but just...
08:15This is my girlfriend, Molly Wintle.
08:18Hi.
08:18Uh, this is my girlfriend, Alex Garrett.
08:22I didn't know you were seeing anyone.
08:24How long have you guys been together?
08:25Uh, well, it's hard to say, in a way,
08:27because for a long time, he didn't want to be exclusive.
08:30This dog's got to run.
08:33Well, I guess we've been together about three months.
08:35We've been together five.
08:36That's two months more, 61 days.
08:371,464 hours.
08:3987,840 minutes.
08:43How could you?
08:44What?
08:44First you break up with me,
08:45and then you show up here with this tramp?
08:47No.
08:48Jake better show.
08:57I mean, look at these people.
08:59Who else could I possibly be friends with here?
09:01Crazy pet lady?
09:06No, sir.
09:07I do not care for the way her bird talks about our president.
09:10Hey, I'm Howard, from apartment 12.
09:16Oh, hi.
09:16Joey, this is Gina.
09:18Hey, great.
09:18Nice to meet you.
09:20I'm actually new here in L.A.,
09:21and I find it kind of hard to meet people.
09:24Lots of tables for one for old Howie lately.
09:28So, I was pretty excited to get your invitation.
09:31I mean, I've seen you around the building,
09:32and I wanted to meet you,
09:33and here I am.
09:34Wow, he seems a little desperate, huh?
09:44At least he didn't throw a party to make you his friend.
09:48Oh.
09:55Oh, it's almost nine.
09:57There'll be a visible pass
09:58by the International Space Station soon.
10:00Molly and I share a passion for the night sky.
10:02Oh, how nice.
10:02Michael and I share a passion for sex in public.
10:08We'll be outside.
10:12Sex in public?
10:14Where'd that come from?
10:15I read about it in Cosmo.
10:1660% of us do it.
10:19Wait a minute.
10:20Did you see that plate of food
10:21Seth just brought for Molly
10:22with the chicken skewers and the mini hot dogs?
10:24I guess.
10:26Molly just told me she's a vegetarian.
10:27If they'd been together for five months,
10:29he would know that.
10:30You know, I noticed another weird thing.
10:31She didn't know about Seth's asthma.
10:32It sends him to the hospital like every other week.
10:35It doesn't seem like they know each other very well.
10:38Do you think she could be a fake girlfriend?
10:40Let's find out.
10:42Uh, hey, Molly.
10:44Ha, which one's better, Jedi or Empire?
10:46I don't know.
10:47Uh, she's fake.
10:51And then when Drake Ramore walks in
10:53and sees him in bed together?
10:55Ah, that was an amazing scene!
10:58Interesting story about that scene.
11:00See, originally,
11:01Drake wasn't supposed to be in it at all.
11:02But then, while looking for a bathroom,
11:04I accidentally walked onto the set.
11:06The rest is history.
11:07Well, days of our lives
11:09has not been the same without you.
11:11Oh, you know, I got some old tapes
11:12if you ever want to...
11:12Oh, Jake!
11:16Hey, what's going on?
11:17Hey!
11:18Yeah, I was just having a nice time
11:19with one of your guests here.
11:20Yeah, this is Jake.
11:21This is Jake.
11:22Rainbow Jake.
11:23Yeah.
11:25Uh, whatever that means.
11:26I don't...
11:27So, you're a hairdresser.
11:30Would you do anything different with my hair?
11:32Let me see.
11:33Turn around for a sec.
11:34Great body.
11:36Really great body.
11:38Okay, enough, enough, Gina.
11:39Maybe, uh, maybe Jake would like a drink.
11:41Maybe you should get him one.
11:42Maybe you should get him one.
11:43Maybe you should get him one.
11:44I...
11:44You know what?
11:45I'll, uh, I'll get myself a drink.
11:47Can I get anything for the lady?
11:49So chivalrous.
11:50Yes, I'll have another Everclear and Gatorade.
11:56Why are you flirting with Jake?
11:57Well, I started talking to him
11:58before I knew who he was.
11:59He didn't tell me he was so cute.
12:01I'm sorry, but that's not something
12:02I noticed with guys.
12:03And yes, I did.
12:05Let me just finish talking to him
12:07and then he's all yours.
12:08No!
12:08Excuse me?
12:09Look, I don't want you talking to him.
12:10I told you how hard it is for me to meet people.
12:12Well, it's not easy for me either.
12:14Why can't we share him?
12:15Because that never works.
12:15Every time you get involved
12:16with one of my friends,
12:17you ruin it.
12:18Okay?
12:19Either you break up with him
12:20and he doesn't want to be with me anymore,
12:21or he breaks up with you
12:23and you scare him away.
12:25That's why I had to quit
12:26the football team,
12:27the baseball team.
12:28I ended up having to do theater.
12:31Oh, so thanks.
12:34You were being ridiculous.
12:35Just back off.
12:36No, you back off.
12:37No, you back off.
12:38You know, I see why you have trouble
12:39meeting people.
12:40You got so much food in your teeth.
12:41Well, I was afraid Jake wasn't going to show.
12:43When I get upset, I eat.
12:44Wow, we have so much in common.
12:45Get out of here!
12:46Look, Jake's going to be here
12:55any second with the drinks.
12:56Why don't we let him decide
12:57who he wants to be with?
12:58I'm so sure he's going to pick me.
12:59I'll give you a one-minute head start.
13:01Look, I don't need your charity, okay?
13:02Jake and I are going to be...
13:03Oh, you just wasted 10 seconds.
13:05Only 40 seconds left.
13:08Hey, man.
13:09Nothing like a cold beer
13:10on a warm summer night, huh?
13:12This is apple juice.
13:13I'm an alcoholic.
13:14It's a disease.
13:18So, what do you do for a living, Jake?
13:20I'm a market maker in the energy sector.
13:23Mostly do arbitrage.
13:24Oh, hey, my uncle's a garbage man, yeah.
13:30I'm an actor myself.
13:31Not really working right now,
13:32so that's not interesting.
13:33I love video games and die hard.
13:35I'm an excellent parallel parker.
13:37I once saw Mr. T in a restaurant.
13:39Hi.
13:40It's really hot in here.
13:42You want to go check out the patio?
13:44Catch you later.
13:47I knew it.
13:48What you do see is sexy.
13:53That's such typical Seth.
13:55He could have just come to the party alone,
13:56but instead he goes through all this trouble
13:57just to one-up me.
13:59Well, he's not going to get away with it.
14:00I'm a lawyer.
14:01I'll just pretend he's a defendant
14:02for a very, very geeky crime.
14:06Well, they're splitting up.
14:07Good.
14:07Divide and conquer.
14:08You take Nerdly.
14:09Okay.
14:12So, tell me,
14:13how exactly did you and Seth meet?
14:15Oh, at a Memorial Day party
14:18thrown by a mutual friend,
14:20it was a sunset cruise
14:21around Catalina Island.
14:25That's so romantic.
14:27And I had to go to San Francisco
14:29on business that night,
14:30so Seth offered to drive me
14:31to the airport.
14:32Then when I came back,
14:33he surprised me
14:34by picking me up, too.
14:36Aw.
14:37A couple of questions.
14:38Um, you said you went
14:40on a sunset cruise
14:41on Memorial Day?
14:42Um, yeah.
14:44And then you flew to San Francisco
14:45later that night?
14:46On business.
14:49So, just a few weeks
14:50before the summer solstice,
14:51when the sun sets
14:52well after 8 o'clock,
14:53your sunset cruise
14:54got back in time
14:55for you to catch a flight
14:56to San Francisco
14:56when, and correct me
14:58if I'm wrong,
14:58the last shuttle to SFO
15:00leaves at 9 p.m.
15:00Is that what you're saying?
15:03I don't remember.
15:06Now, I want to return
15:08to something else
15:09that you said
15:09about this alleged boat trip.
15:13I don't know if you noticed,
15:14but I've been working out.
15:15Oh, yeah.
15:16I've been working out, too.
15:18Oh, yeah?
15:19I'm bench-pressing 90 pounds.
15:22Can you bench-press
15:23your body weight?
15:27What do you think
15:28Molly and Alex
15:29are talking about?
15:31Oh, it's girl stuff.
15:32Then either it didn't
15:33happen that way,
15:34or both you and Seth
15:35are in violation
15:35of the U.S. Fisheries Act
15:37of 1988.
15:39I have to go
15:40to the bathroom.
15:42The answers
15:43aren't in there,
15:43Miss Wintle!
15:56Hey, Gina.
15:57Sorry to interrupt,
15:58but I have to show you
15:59something.
15:59Armando Sante
16:00just walked in.
16:01Oh, my God.
16:02I love him.
16:02Where?
16:04He's not here.
16:05I just wanted to get
16:05you away from Jake
16:06so I could have
16:07some time to talk to him.
16:08You know,
16:08one day Armando Sante
16:09will be here,
16:09and I won't go
16:10because you have
16:10fooled me so many times.
16:12Look, he's gonna
16:13leave soon, okay?
16:14Can't you just let me
16:14have five minutes?
16:15I already saw you
16:16give him your number.
16:17Yeah, and I put
16:17a little lipstick kiss
16:18on it to, uh, up what I like
16:20to call class factor.
16:22Okay, how about this?
16:23If you don't let me talk
16:23to him, I'm gonna tell
16:24him some stuff about you.
16:25Good, I don't have
16:26any secrets.
16:26How old'd you tell
16:27him you were?
16:28All right, five minutes.
16:30Hey, Jake.
16:32Hey, thanks for the
16:33great party.
16:33I gotta take off.
16:34No, really?
16:35Yeah, I got a basketball
16:36game in the morning.
16:37Say, I was wondering
16:38if the Jaybird wants
16:39to come.
16:40Who?
16:40Oh, that's me.
16:42Yeah.
16:44Sweet.
16:44So I'll, uh, swing by
16:45and pick you up around
16:46nine?
16:46Great.
16:48Uh, hey, Jake, what, uh,
16:50what was that you just
16:51threw out there?
16:53Oh, nothing.
16:54Just the phone number
16:55of that girl I was
16:56talking to.
16:56I was hoping to get
16:57a little more in the
16:58phone number tonight.
16:58She's got more self-esteem
17:00than that outfit would
17:00suggest.
17:02So you're not gonna
17:03call her?
17:04Oh, she's fine for a
17:05slow night.
17:05Not exactly worth
17:06dinner in a movie, right?
17:07That's my sister, Jake.
17:10Oh, man, I'm sorry.
17:13I don't know what to
17:14say.
17:16We still on for
17:17basketball?
17:17No, I think I'm gonna
17:18play basketball with
17:19some guys who don't
17:20think my sister's
17:20trashing.
17:21Oh, well, good luck
17:21finding them.
17:22Yeah, tell me about
17:23it.
17:27Hey, uh, I think I
17:29came on a little too
17:30strong with Jake.
17:31I might have freaked
17:32him out.
17:32He's probably not
17:33gonna call.
17:34I saw him throw my
17:35number at Joey, but I
17:37like your story better.
17:40You just wanted a
17:41one-night stand, huh?
17:44One-night stand?
17:44Don't even think
17:45about it.
17:47Are you okay?
17:49I mean, I know how
17:50much this meant to you.
17:51You went through all
17:51this trouble just to
17:52meet him.
17:53Oh, no, no, no.
17:54Hey, it's all right.
17:54It's all right.
17:55I just...
17:56I didn't think it'd be
17:57this hard to meet
17:58people, you know?
17:59Hey, remember when
18:00you left home and
18:01you moved into
18:01Manhattan?
18:02You found people
18:03there?
18:04Yeah, but I was a
18:05kid then.
18:05It was easy, you
18:06know?
18:07I gotta go through
18:08all that again now?
18:09Well, it'll happen.
18:13At least this time
18:13you got me.
18:14Well, I do have
18:15your number.
18:18Now, does underlining
18:19up late also help
18:21with the class fact?
18:25Molly has something
18:26she'd like to say.
18:28I don't want to do
18:29this anymore.
18:30I just want to go
18:31home.
18:33What do you mean?
18:35Seth, the game is up.
18:36We know she's not
18:36your girlfriend.
18:37Oh, my God.
18:38Seth, why?
18:40Why did you lie?
18:41So I could beat you
18:42for once, okay?
18:43What are you talking
18:44about?
18:44You're...
18:44Let's see, you got
18:45into Caltech's
18:46doctoral program.
18:47I got rejected.
18:47You got this killer
18:48apartment.
18:49I live at home and
18:50share a bathroom with
18:52my grandmother.
18:54I never win.
18:56That's how you feel
18:57about me?
19:01Look, okay.
19:02I have to tell you
19:03something.
19:03Alex isn't real.
19:10You built her?
19:11Yeah, no way!
19:15I mean, she's...
19:16she's not really
19:17my girlfriend.
19:19Okay, yes.
19:19I asked her to pretend
19:21to be my date tonight
19:21to impress you
19:23because I...
19:24I feel like I never win.
19:28Wow.
19:29Makes you think.
19:31Yeah.
19:32So I...
19:33I guess we both
19:34kind of learned
19:34our lesson.
19:36I learned it first.
19:37Well, I learned it
19:38better.
19:38I kind of already
19:38knew it, actually.
19:39Yeah, I'm the one
19:40that's strong.
19:40Geeks, geeks, geeks.
19:41We're done.
19:47Oh, he was the real
19:48reason I threw this
19:49party and he turns out
19:49to be a jerk, you know?
19:51All I wanted was
19:52someone to hang out
19:53with.
19:53All I wanted was
19:54someone to hang out with.
19:54Okay, we can try it.
20:05But I'm not making
20:06any promises.
20:07You will not regret this.
20:09Hey, Gina, on a trial basis,
20:12Howard here is going
20:13to be my friend, okay?
20:14Now, I don't want you
20:15hitting on him
20:15and ruining everything.
20:16Yeah, well, try to
20:17control myself.
20:18I am only a woman.
20:19Hey, let's play a game
20:23where you throw the
20:23trash in a bag,
20:24but you use my body
20:25as a backboard.
20:34This just might work out.
20:41I don't know why
20:42you caved.
20:43We totally had them.
20:44Are you kidding me?
20:45They would have
20:46caught on eventually.
20:47Just, no one's going
20:48to believe a girl like
20:49you would be going
20:49out with, you know, me.
20:52Oh, please.
20:53Will you stop
20:53selling yourself
20:54short like that?
20:55I'm not.
20:55I just know
20:56my limitations.
20:58Women, uh,
20:59they don't like me.
21:00Except lesbians who,
21:01uh, well,
21:01when I'm wearing
21:02my old glasses
21:02think I'm one of them.
21:06Let me tell you
21:07something.
21:08If there was
21:08a 20-year-old me
21:09out there,
21:10she would be lucky
21:11to have a guy like you.
21:13Thanks.
21:15If I could build
21:16an ultra-realistic
21:17girl robot,
21:18I,
21:18I'd want her to be
21:20just like you.
21:23Well, that's sweet.
21:24But I'd probably
21:25give her bigger...
21:25That's enough.
21:26Okay.
21:26A Ha,
21:27This is a...
21:30A Ha,
21:32A Ha,
21:32A Ha,
21:34A Ha,
21:34A Ha,
21:35A Ha,
21:35A Ha.
21:36A Ha,
Recommended
21:31
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