- 7/3/2025
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Welcome to Planet Schmangy... again.
00:18Don't worry, Jimmy. I know right where I left my Ultralord last week when I was using the facilities.
00:23Why couldn't you just buy a replacement, Ultralord Sheen?
00:27Carl, every Ultralord is precious to me in a different, special way.
00:32Now, I think I left him under that smelly rock.
00:34Huh? This wasn't here last week. Interesting.
00:38Carl, scrape me a sample.
00:40Me?
00:41Don't worry. I'll be monitoring from a safe distance the whole time.
00:44Oh, well, in that case...
00:49Ha! There you are!
00:51From now on, you're going into the bathroom with me. I don't care how embarrassed you are.
00:56Uh, Jimmy, I think I put too much oomph in my scrape.
01:03Don't worry, Carl. I'm completely safe.
01:06Well, yeah, but...
01:09What? Do I have something on my lip?
01:12Uh, don't worry, Carl. Everything's gonna be fine.
01:16Fine? Are you kidding? It's the most horrible thing I've ever seen!
01:19Shane!
01:20Well, look! It's hideous! It's like something out of a freak show!
01:23Shane!
01:26Carl, we need to leave the cave and then...
01:28My lunch is gonna leave me!
01:29Shane! Then we'll head back to Earth at light speed or if possible faster!
01:33The creature is made of energy but cooled and solidified in a process both fascinating and completely gross.
01:45Well, look at it this way, Carl. Now, if you get pimples, who's gonna know?
01:48Uh, Jimmy, are you sure I can't look at it?
01:51Uh, sorry, Carl. I don't have any mirrors.
01:53Well, that's not true. You have a lot, Jimmy.
01:55Nope, I don't. Now, be quiet, Carl. I'm working on getting it off your face.
01:59In the meantime, I'll help you blend into society. Like so.
02:04Hmm. How's that getting it off his face thing coming?
02:10This should do the trick.
02:17All right! It worked!
02:19Wow. Thanks, Jim.
02:21Whew. That was a close one. I don't know about you guys, but I could use a stiff shake at the candy bar.
02:26Mmm, sounds good. But you know what I really feel like?
02:32Carl, what are you eating?
02:34Well, I got this sudden craving for a bowl of ice cream, jalapenos, dill pickles, strawberries, salmon, and lard.
02:41Yuck! Strawberries!
02:43Why are you both staring at me? Do I look fat to you?
02:47No, no. It just seems unhealthy.
02:50I know. I've always been a little on the heavy side.
02:53But I prefer to think of it as jolly.
02:55Not that you want to talk, big head!
02:57But I guess we are what we are, and that's just fine with me.
03:05That is the single coolest thing I have ever seen!
03:08Back to the lab.
03:10Wait! Do it again, Carl!
03:11Back to the lab!
03:12All right! You'll have to yell.
03:14It's just what I was afraid of. The strange appetite, the mood swings, the glowing bulges.
03:23Carl, I don't know how to say this, so I'll whisper it in Sheen's ear and he'll blurt it out in astonishment.
03:30Carl is pregnant?!
03:32What?!
03:33Well, sort of. It's a living mass of energy growing inside you, probably placed there by the alien that was attached to your face.
03:39It happens all the time.
03:41But I can't support an alien child. I don't even have a job!
03:45Will you guys excuse me? I need time to think.
03:48This is so cool!
03:50Carl, when the alien is old enough, can I take you on a rampage of wanton destruction?
03:54If you're both back before dark.
03:56Aw, man! You're already talking like a parent!
03:58Chilly pancake?
04:02Clam ball?
04:05Pork brownie?
04:07Good news, Carl! I have an idea how to solve this without harming you or the creature, and why are you nodding no?
04:15I've thought about it, Jim. If it's a boy, I'll name him Schmengo, and if it's a girl Schmangetta, I want it to retain its alien heritage.
04:23What?!
04:24Yes! I'm gonna be an uncle! Is there an alien uncle's day?
04:32Mr. Weezer, hi, is Carl?
04:33Dead? No, he's still here. We're just preparing for the pitter-patter of little, uh, whatever the alien's eventual mode of locomotion will be.
04:40Hi, Jimmy!
04:41Carl, this is insane! You need to come back to the lab for tests immediately!
04:45Hello, Jimmy! Isn't this exciting? We've always wanted grandkids!
04:50Oh, we sure have! Even if it's not so much a kid as a sizzling mass of alien energy!
05:05Uh, Jimmy, does that little spark there mean it's a boy alien?
05:08I don't know! Carl, why aren't you more worried? This thing might feed off your insides, or electrocute you, or grow until it splits you in half!
05:15Yeah, kids can be a handful!
05:19Hmm, well, this magnoscope should be linking with the alien's energy, but there's a lot of interference!
05:25Is that another fat joke?
05:27Because if so, it was pretty funny and very hurtful!
05:32Oop, gotta go! The girls are throwing me a baby shower! Bye-bye!
05:36And stop looking at my calves!
05:38Oh, a jumper with six legs!
05:47Wow!
05:48Huh? Is that cute or what?
05:50We also got the 20-leg expansion pack, in case it's born with more!
05:54And if it's just a legless mass of energy, I saved the receipt!
05:57Oh, thanks, girls! Gee, I should've been implanted with an alien growth long ago!
06:02Okay, game time! First, we're gonna play Dive for Baby Around His Tail!
06:07Yeah, this is my favorite game! I love it!
06:10We don't know if your baby will even have a tail, but it can't hurt to practice!
06:13Okay, Carl, I've amplified the magnoscope to link with the alien, with no harm to it or you!
06:18Um, thanks, Jimmy, but I'm in mid-shower!
06:21Carl, you're in danger! And the last thing you need is to be fawned over by a bunch of girls!
06:26Who wants clotted cream with their scones?
06:30Uh, this is much more masculine than it looks.
06:33Back off, Nerdtron! You're not an authority on babies just because you are one!
06:37Sorry, I was just trying to prevent my friend from being turned into a smoldering pile of slag!
06:43Would you pass the scope?
06:45Why, I'd be delighted!
06:47Oh, it sounds really good!
06:48Oh, fine! If you need help sweeping up Carl's ashes, I'll be in my lab!
06:52Boy, he's in a bad mood, huh?
06:54He's just jealous because I'm getting all the attention!
06:57What other games do you have?
06:58Hey, what's up with the lights?
07:01Hey, Jimmy, wait up!
07:03Holy Herculaneum! It's made of the same energy as the thing inside Carl!
07:15No! The alien monsters have come to punish us for invading their planet!
07:20A plan I was against from the beginning, by the way!
07:22No, it's looking for something!
07:24Unless I miss my guess, that's the mom of the alien and Carl come to claim her baby!
07:30Whoa!
07:31Get the girls out of the house, but keep Carl safe inside!
07:33Got it! Girls out! Carl safe!
07:39This electricity bill is outrageous!
07:42And I won't pay it!
07:46Ooh! I didn't know you were so strapped for cash!
07:49Will you take a check?
07:51My counselor was right!
07:53All I needed to curb my anger was a hobby!
07:55Okay, now I'm mad!
08:06It's headed right for Carl!
08:07If it only reduces him to smoldering slag, he'll be lucky!
08:14Bye! See ya! Thanks for coming! Drive safety!
08:16But this is my house!
08:17Don't be selfish! Get out!
08:22Sheen, what's going on?
08:24It's time for your breathing exercises!
08:27First you fill up your diaphragm!
08:29Then you empty your diaphragm!
08:31Soothing, isn't it?
08:33Well, I guess...
08:34Soothing, isn't it?
08:39Yeah, yeah, it's very soothing!
08:54That's it! Come on!
08:55It's working!
08:57And now it's time for calming visualization!
08:59Picture a gentle lake nestled among the mountains!
09:00The water is placid!
09:01But what's that?
09:02Something's breaking the surface of the lake!
09:03It's the legendary Oakey Pokey monster!
09:04Who's gaze with his crops and turns south of the lake!
09:05It's the legendary Oakey Pokey monster!
09:06It's the legendary Oakey Pokey monster!
09:07Who's gaze with his crops and turns south of the lake!
09:08Run!
09:09Run from the Oakey Pokey!
09:10Save your soda!
09:11Save your soda!
09:12Save your sand!
09:13It's time!
09:14It's time!
09:15It's time!
09:16And now it's time for calming visualization!
09:21Picture a gentle lake nestled among the mountains!
09:24The water is placid!
09:25But what's that?
09:26Something's breaking the surface of the lake!
09:28It's the legendary Oakey Pokey monster!
09:31Who's gaze with his crops and turns soda to bleach!
09:34Run!
09:35Run from the Oakey Pokey!
09:36Save your soda!
09:37Save yourself!
09:38It's time!
09:45Come on!
09:46Just a little closer!
09:47Stop, Jimmy!
09:48Carl!
09:49Carl!
09:50Get back!
09:51Don't hurt her!
09:52I know what she wants!
10:01Bye, Schmango!
10:03I'll miss you!
10:08Carl!
10:09That hug contained 10,000 volts of pure energy!
10:13Wasn't it painful?
10:14Saying goodbye to your kids is always painful, Jimmy!
10:17Hey!
10:18It looks the same as a month ago!
10:19Don't desolate planets ever change?
10:20Come on, guys!
10:21Happy Birthday, Schmango!
10:22Happy Birthday, Schmango!
10:23Hey!
10:24Don't I get a hug?
10:28Don't forget your Uncle Jimmy!
10:29No!
10:30Really, it's okay!
10:31Get away from me!
10:32Carl!
10:34Want some cake?
10:46Yeah, a corner paste face!
10:48I'm not kidding!
10:50And don't forget your Uncle Jimmy.
10:52No, really, it's okay.
10:55Get it away from me!
10:57Carl!
10:58Want some cake?
10:59Yeah, a corner paste, please.
11:00I'm not kidding!
11:02You're in big trouble!
11:20Happy birthday, great Aunt Amanda!
11:26You're looking more beautiful and less wrinkly every year!
11:29No thanks to you, young man!
11:31Your gadgets and goo-gahs have taken ten years off my life!
11:34But Aunt Amanda, how can you say that?
11:36Jimmy's gadgets have saved the town dozens of times!
11:39Sure, after he brought down a giant meteor to destroy us all!
11:43Or those evil marauding aliens!
11:44Or pants!
11:45Horrible walking pants!
11:47Which cousin are you again?
11:49Now, now, now, Newt, Carrie, Cousin Gomer, Cousin Annabelle, and little Eddie.
11:56That's not fine.
11:57We gather together because we love our dear Aunt Amanda,
12:00and not because her fabulous wealth controls our very destiny.
12:05Yeah, can't we all just get along and be a family?
12:08No!
12:09Because of you, the Neutron name isn't respectable anymore!
12:12Why can't you be nice like your two young friends?
12:15I've been waiting all year to eat Aunt Carrie's chow patties!
12:18And this year's 147 Bean Salad is the best one yet!
12:25Oh, Hugh, maybe we should just go.
12:27No, no, not yet, Mom.
12:28I think I've found a way to win Aunt Amanda over.
12:31Say, Aunt Amanda, you haven't unwrapped my present yet!
12:35Ha!
12:36So I haven't!
12:40Why, it's a barbecue spatula!
12:42I know how much you love to barbecue!
12:44That baby's got 17 electro-hydraulic attachments, including a back-scratcher!
12:48Ooh!
12:49Ooh!
12:50I also brought a little something for everyone!
12:52Who wants a cybernetic palm-pager?
12:57Well, Jimmy, this is very thoughtful!
13:00It's too bad your dear old Granny couldn't be here to see this!
13:04But she's in Reno!
13:05Kickin' butt at the slots!
13:06I can see her!
13:07Woohoo!
13:08Woohoo!
13:09Woohoo!
13:10Woohoo!
13:11Aunt Amanda, may I freshen your nougat cider?
13:13How sweet!
13:14I'd hug you if that high-pitched whining wasn't givin' me a migraine!
13:17High-pitched whining?
13:18Oh, no!
13:19Aunt Amanda, look out!
13:21Aunt Amanda, look out!
13:26My bean salad!
13:28No!
13:29Goddard, expando shield, quick!
13:40Aunt Amanda, I'm sorry!
13:42The spatula's tritium battery overloaded!
13:44Yo, little monster!
13:45I knew you couldn't be trusted!
13:47It's not supposed to do that!
13:49I swear it'll never happen again!
14:01James Isaac Neutron!
14:03What were you thinking?
14:04Nothing!
14:05I mean, it must have been Sunspots!
14:07You're a menace!
14:08That's what you are, young man!
14:10He's almost killed in here!
14:12Jimbo, get inside the house and stay there before Aunt Amanda writes us all out of the will!
14:17But, Dad!
14:18Mom!
14:19No buts, mister!
14:20Merch!
14:21And take that horrible dog with you!
14:32Hey, Jimmy?
14:33Are you okay?
14:34Cheer up, Jimmy!
14:35We're about to some of Aunt Carrie's world-famous migraine-inducing desserts!
14:38Guys, we have a situation.
14:40There is no reason those presents should have exploded!
14:43Someone bombarded the spatula with delta waves!
14:46But only a genius could come up with a plan like that!
14:49And the delta waves came from the backyard!
14:51Do you realize what that means?
14:53Uh, Jimmy, do you mind if we just keep eating?
14:56It means that there's another genius in my family besides me!
14:59An evil genius!
15:00That's horrible!
15:01Hey, Sheen, you gonna finish that death by gelato?
15:06Yeah, okay, stop eating!
15:07Sorry!
15:08Sorry!
15:09Goddard, isolate the Neutron Genius gene!
15:13Now compare the gene against DNA profiles of all adult family members!
15:22Hmm...
15:23The two most likely suspects would be...
15:27Cousin Gomer or Cousin Annabelle!
15:29Okay, so what you're saying is that one of them must only be acting dumb!
15:34Or crazy!
15:36We've gotta find out which one before they make another attempt on my family's lives!
15:39Right!
15:40To the buffet!
15:42What?
15:43I'm still hungry!
15:46Coast is clear, but I'm still not allowed out of the house!
15:49It's up to you, Sheen.
15:50I need a DNA sample from Cousin Gomer!
15:53Sweat, saliva, hair, anything!
15:55Aw, man!
15:56Why do I always have to collect fluids from the suspects?
16:02Hey, Cousin Gomer!
16:04Say, I'm kind of a sweaty guy!
16:06How about you?
16:07Want a Greco-Roman wrestle?
16:09Maybe a quick 10K run!
16:11I got my hand cold in the pickle jar!
16:13Ping-pong it is!
16:15This way, Captain Clueless!
16:22Now for Cousin Annabelle.
16:23Use the old Weezer charm, Carl!
16:25Or at least get her to spit on you.
16:27Okay.
16:28Oh, it's got to be right.
16:30Oh, jeez.
16:31Got to have ordered.
16:32Hey, Cousin Annabelle!
16:34Don't sneak up on me!
16:35I have senseless panic attack syndrome!
16:38Uh, I'm allergic to wheat.
16:40Oh, really?
16:41Go away!
16:42So...
16:44Do you like to...
16:46Spit?
16:47Ow!
16:48How am I supposed to separate the round toothpicks from the flat ones if you keep interrupting
16:52me?
16:53Okay.
16:54Um, you have pretty hair.
16:56Can I braid it?
16:57Don't touch my head!
16:58I have grooming anxiety issues!
17:00Now I have to wash!
17:01Water!
17:02I need hot water!
17:03But first, I'll finish sorting the toothpicks.
17:12Wow, Cousin Annabelle's nice.
17:14Is she seeing anyone?
17:16Hopefully a therapist.
17:17Let's find out if she's an evil genius.
17:23No DNA match.
17:25That leaves Cousin Gomer.
17:26And if I'm right, he may be the most dangerous intellect I've ever faced.
17:34Gomer, we can't have a nice sweaty game of ping pong if you keep sticking the paddle
17:38in your mouth.
17:39Probably couldn't see.
17:43But this is how I stand from a spitball!
17:47Success!
17:49Yuck!
17:51The charade is over, Cousin Gomer!
17:53Charade?
17:54I thought we was playing ping pong!
17:56I gotta spit right here, Jimmy!
17:59Ha!
18:00Seconds I'll have proof that you tried to do away with the entire family!
18:03What do you say to that, Cousin Gomer?
18:06Can you touch your head with your tongue?
18:08I can't!
18:15Negative?
18:16But that's impossible!
18:17That means Gomer's not the genius either!
18:19I did that for nothing!
18:20Haven't you figured it out yet, Jimmy?
18:30Cousin Eddie!
18:31Man, did I have you barking up the wrong tree.
18:34You know, maybe you ain't as bright as everybody thinks.
18:37How could I be so naive?
18:39I only checked the DNA of adult neutrons!
18:41I never guessed it!
18:42A baby could be as smart as you?
18:44Heck, I'm smarter!
18:46And I'm only 17 and a half months old!
18:48Wait till I hit puberty!
18:50Ba-bing!
18:52Why'd you do it, Cousin Eddie?
18:54Why?
18:55For Aunt Amanda's money, Sheen!
18:57Ding!
18:58We got a winner!
18:59Now, think fast, Nimrods!
19:01Ow!
19:04Don't waste your time!
19:05Nothing can escape from my unbreakable fun rings!
19:08You're a bad baby, Eddie, and you've got a diaper full of evil!
19:17Whoa!
19:18What do we have here?
19:19A tritium battery and a big one!
19:22Eddie, no!
19:23If that battery goes critical, it could take out the entire family!
19:26Duh!
19:27You know, Jimmy, sometimes you're almost as dumb as Gomer.
19:29This is my serve, Nile!
19:31Oh, FYI!
19:32Those rings will keep shrinking until the life's completely squeezed out of you!
19:36You adorable fiend!
19:38Arrivederci, losers!
19:41Ha ha ha!
19:42Ha ha ha!
19:43Ha ha ha!
19:44Ha ha ha!
19:50Zabity-bab-ba!
19:53Zabity-bab-ba!
19:54Zabity-bab-ba!
19:55Zabity-bab-ba!
19:56Zabity-bab-ba!
19:57All right!
19:58It's time for Aunt Amanda's birthday cake, everyone!
20:01Come on!
20:02Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday!
20:15Get down, everyone!
20:19Too bad you didn't know about Goddard's backup battery.
20:31It's all over, Eddie.
20:33Oh, you're going down, baby.
20:45All right, all right. I'm breaking up now, Jimbo. We told you to stay in the house.
20:50My baby! This is the child you raise? A vicious, rotten baby mauler?
20:56It's not what you think, Aunt Amanda. Eddie's an evil genius.
20:59He was trying to blow everyone up so he could get your fortune.
21:03He takes after her side of the family.
21:07He may even be adopted. Look, he looks nothing like me.
21:10Wait, there's that horrible noise again.
21:12I know, Aunt Carrie. I resented Eddie's rattle during our struggle.
21:15It's programmed to overload.
21:17Oh, poopy.
21:19You broke my rattle! You dweeby, no-good, pointy-headed, weasel-faced freak!
21:29Ah! I mean, uh...
21:33That baby's a bad seed! It's Jimmy who's the good nephew!
21:39I'm so sorry little Eddie tried to destroy us all.
21:47If I were you, Aunt Carrie, I'd keep him on a baby leash.
21:49Oh, no. Not the leash!
21:51I'll get you for this, Cousin Jimmy, you hear me?
21:53This ain't finished! Not by a long shot!
21:56Hey, where's my juicy cup?
21:58Where is the cup that I can spill without spilling?
22:01Dad, our family is very weird.
22:04It sure is, son. It sure is.
22:31Oh, no!
22:46Oh!
22:50So what do you want me to say now?
22:53Got a blast!
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