I sound like I was born at Coachella - Cab Washington - video Dailymotion

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Transcript

00:00I used to be in a relationship, I was dating a white girl, and I know you guys aren't shocked about it, I know.

00:07I'm from Philly, but I sound like I was born at Coachella, so it makes sense.

00:12But we had to break up for a couple reasons, right?

00:14Reason number one was because there were too many conversations about Metallica that I didn't want to be a part of anymore.

00:21Reason number two why I broke up was because she used to always have crystals charged.

00:24Way more than an actual cell phone, didn't make sense.

00:27Always had good luck, but could never get in touch with her.

00:30But no, the real reason why we actually broke up is because we went over to a friend Chad's house.

00:36Y'all know Chad?

00:39Chad, white dude, well-intentioned guy, said what's up to me different than everybody else.

00:44Went up to all of his white friends first, Ashley, Becca, and Hannah first.

00:47I was like, hey dude, how you doing to you? What's going on? Good to see you.

00:50Went up to Becca, was like, oh my god, love your dress.

00:52Queens Gambit last night? So good.

00:54But then as soon as Chad came up to me, for some odd reason he did turn into LL Cool J.

01:02He just was like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

01:08Yo, what's good, my G?

01:10How you doing, my dog? You good?

01:14I just thought to myself, Chad, why'd you do that?

01:18He was like, what you mean, beloved?

01:20I was like, beloved, you gotta stop.

01:21So that was part of the reason why me and Amy broke up.

01:27The other part was because my mom said to me, son, when you did outside your race, it makes me feel like you don't love me.

01:36Black women were like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

01:40But no, it was tough hearing that from my mom, because I'm just like, I don't know how to process this.

01:44Because mom, you definitely sent me to private Quaker school my whole life.

01:48I don't know how I was supposed to meet a Nubian queen there.

01:52You know what I'm saying?

01:55I literally went to a school called Friends Select.

01:57I don't know if you guys ever watched the show Friends.

02:00Not a lot of black people on the show.

02:03My best friends were literally Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe, you know?

02:08There was only one other black girl that was there, and that was Stephanie.

02:10She was a lesbian.

02:11What was I supposed to do?

02:12Be like, yo, Stephanie, ha, ha.

02:17Do this one for my mom, please.