- 21/05/2025
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00:00.
00:30Right, take your jackets off.
00:37We shall all feel better for a free flow of air around the old shirt.
00:54Hey, the strap's a bit loose.
00:58Oh, no, I'm losing weight.
01:00LAUGHTER
01:00There, that should be wide enough for our purposes.
01:10That man, that man, take him off.
01:13Take him off.
01:14Oh, glass in the eyes.
01:17Yes, I can just see fragments in the eyeballs.
01:21I can't play in those, you know. Oh, no, no.
01:22Football is a very physical game.
01:25Not the way I play it, Foggy.
01:27Oh, you'd better take him off, Norm.
01:29Otherwise, he's likely to have a shot at dawn for disobedient order.
01:34Well, it won't be long, anyway.
01:36Oh, can you smell that air?
01:39I can feel it whistling at me.
01:41That'll do.
01:42You want no vulgarity.
01:43You want healthy minds and healthy bodies.
01:45One thing you can say for vulgarity, you can do it with your coat on.
01:49I want to get the blood surging.
01:52I want some colour in the cheeks.
01:53I want somebody in gold.
01:54Why is it you can always see his little perforations?
01:59Oh, you'll never walk alone.
02:14I want you to slam them at me unmercifully.
02:27Don't spare me.
02:31Foggy!
02:32Foggy!
02:32Watch out, Foggy!
02:53Can I have my wally back?
03:07Oh, shut up.
03:13Oh, it's a crude, unpolished game.
03:17It nearly polished me off.
03:19Oh, it lacks finesse.
03:21It's very much the rough knockabout sport of the working classes.
03:26What's he on about?
03:27The rough knockabout sport of the working classes.
03:30Her with that tight blonde hair from Gregston Street.
03:34Trudy Edwards.
03:35Ah, he knows, as I see.
03:37Only by a reputation.
03:38Ah, but what a reputation.
03:44Last I heard, she was going out with little Tommy Weston.
03:47I understand it's getting better now.
03:48Ah.
03:49No, I was talking about the intrinsic crudity of the game of football.
03:53Yeah, if all, but it's pure poetry.
03:55Oh, rubbish.
03:57What's your game, then?
04:00Golf.
04:02Golf?
04:03Well, golf.
04:05Oh, it's a queen of sport.
04:06You know, bunkers, nibblicks, birdies, eagles,
04:09and a certain indefinable social prestige.
04:13I didn't know they played golf.
04:15Oh, golf.
04:15Do you mean to say that all those times you were lounging about with a large whiskey and soda in the clubhouse at St Andrews, you never actually saw me playing?
04:23Not even a peek-a-boo.
04:24What's up now?
04:33It's the same tea as always.
04:34I do.
04:35I don't know how that does it.
04:37Oh, dear.
04:41Neither do I at this price.
04:42Hey, look, why don't you keep this thing on your wrist?
04:47Ah.
04:48It's got all sugar on it.
04:50Aye, aye, aye.
04:51Careful.
04:54Steady on.
04:55You'll take the plating off.
04:57That's waterproof.
04:59But is it Sid's tea-proof?
05:01Oh, what?
05:04Oh, look.
05:06Why don't you wear it round your neck?
05:07I can't tell the time under my chin.
05:10Here, listen, look.
05:11Slip your arm out.
05:12Hey, we're not going to play football again, are we?
05:14No, it's not football.
05:15Now, hold your hand out, you naughty boy.
05:17Right.
05:18There we are.
05:19There.
05:19Now, you try it up there, you see?
05:21You can always slip your arm out of your sleeve if you want to tell the time, and that way you won't lose it.
05:26Well, it'll keep it out of Sid's tea.
05:29You know, I fought the Third Reich on better tea than this.
05:32You nearly flame in loss, though, didn't you?
05:34Yes, it's funny, isn't it?
05:36We went to school all them years, we got the three R's and a bit of woodwork, but not a word about how to fight the Third Reich.
05:43When have you played golf?
05:45Oh, I used to play regularly.
05:47Oh, it was all part of the social pattern one was expected to keep up when I was stationed in the canal zone.
05:53I should have thought you'd be butter off learning how to swim.
05:56Ha!
05:58Hey, you, I didn't know you had golf courses in the desert.
06:02Oh, yes, it's just one big bunker.
06:05This one held I've got the leisure. I wouldn't mind reactivating the old clubs again.
06:10When was the last time they played?
06:12Oh, well, it's like riding a bicycle, you know, you never forget.
06:15That's true.
06:16Elephants and bicycle riders never forget.
06:19You can give a bicycle rider a bun, and 20 years later, if you tweak him on the trunk,
06:24you can hear him trumpeting with every sign of pleasure.
06:28When was it your last play?
06:31September.
06:32September?
06:341939.
06:36I was all set for the Juniors Cup
06:39when that fool Hitler invaded Poland.
06:42Or maybe he thought he had no chance in your Juniors Cup.
06:461939?
06:47You can't call yourself a golfer on the strength of that.
06:51If you've once murdered, you're a murderer for life, aren't you?
06:54He still used to be.
06:55Nowadays, I believe it's about 12 years and most of that's society's fault.
06:591939?
07:02I've still got a nice set of very high-class equipment up in the attic, you know.
07:06Do you know, I'll bet that the last of the Dewhursts
07:10could still whack a nifty ball.
07:12You could net it with a barge, Paul.
07:15I have a natural swing.
07:16I know, from the hip with a slight touch of the hello-say-lo.
07:22Ah!
07:22No, you can't ruffle my iron self-control.
07:28I'm quite prepared to demonstrate my natural aptitude
07:31on any course of your choosing.
07:34That's all.
07:34Oh, this is going to be very boring.
07:37No wonder Hitler preferred to invade Poland.
07:40Hey, this afternoon, then.
07:41Now you can get a visitor's ticket
07:42and make a fool of yourself reasonably cheaply.
07:44I accept your challenge
07:46and we shall see who looks foolish.
07:49You forget that we of the middle classes
07:51take our recreations seriously.
07:55Ah!
07:55You fool, that hat was made by the premier hatter of Cleheaton.
08:01I'm sure they're in here somewhere.
08:16Oh.
08:17It looks like the den of the great wardrobe spider.
08:21Hey, Lord, can you smoke up here?
08:26Only your own.
08:27Oh.
08:27Well, I'll wait, then.
08:29Look, you can see his claw marks.
08:30What?
08:30The great wardrobe spider.
08:33You can see when it's lured helpless pieces of furniture
08:37through that door hole
08:38after having first stummed them with a bite
08:41in the main arterial dovetail joint.
08:44Huh?
08:45Ah!
08:45Spider-Man!
08:47No!
08:47Ha-ha-ha-ha!
08:48Ha!
08:49Ha-ha-ha-ha!
08:59Yes, well, can we get on searching now?
09:02It's a half set of clubs in a stout leather bag.
09:06Talking of a stout leather bag,
09:07where's your landlady?
09:08Well, she goes once a week to have her hair set in concrete.
09:15Most of this stuff is hers.
09:17I should hope so.
09:20Well, of course, you will find my monogram
09:21on some of the better pieces.
09:24COD?
09:25Yes?
09:26Corporal Oliver Dewhurst?
09:30Hey, Nob!
09:31Who was Giggly?
09:33Who was this?
09:36I'm, of course, grateful for the usual
09:38high standard of assistance and support
09:41that I've come to expect from you two.
09:43Let Corporal Dewhurst breathe all the dust.
09:45Let him do all the work.
09:47It's my back!
09:48Oh!
09:49Oh!
09:49She looks just like Nora Batty.
09:54All that she stays, Nora, my back is something terrible, honestly.
09:59Here we go again, the phantom back.
10:02You know, his slipped disc must have cost this country
10:04enough in supplementary benefit to buy a nuclear submarine.
10:09Look at that expression.
10:10Now, you don't tell me that that ever needed liberating.
10:13Oh, that brings back memories of Mercer Matrue.
10:17Was that her name?
10:20I wonder how many games have been played on that in the corporal's mess.
10:24Quite a number, I would judge, going by her expression.
10:28Hey, look what's in here.
10:31Good job.
10:31Will you come out of other people's trots?
10:34Oh, you great villain!
10:36You literally have my finger off me!
10:38You're very nimble on your feet, aren't you?
10:40Oh, well.
10:41Hey, look, look, look.
10:44Anyone for tennis?
10:45Hey, that's just what I want.
10:48I don't think it'll go very well with your wellies.
10:50Oh, just that, sir.
10:51Oh, they're here.
10:53I knew they were here somewhere.
10:55All right, old clubs.
10:57Health is at hand.
10:59Oh, Nora, that is definitely new.
11:02No doubt about it.
11:03I don't know what we're going to do about your wooden leg, though.
11:05Never mind.
11:07Never mind, sweetheart.
11:09You shall go to the ball.
11:11Ta-da!
11:12Ta-da!
11:16Will you stop messing about?
11:18Turn that mapping off, will you?
11:20Here.
11:20Now, then, I'll show you a trick or two.
11:24Well, that's very good, Foggy.
11:26Oh, yes, we liked the first bridge.
11:29No, you see, you couldn't buy a set of clubs like these these days, you know.
11:34Fashioned by craftsmen, these were.
11:37Oh.
11:39Oh.
11:41Oh.
11:43You know, some fools had these near the heat.
11:46Do you think I could get round with these?
11:57You make a good job of it and they'll all want one.
12:00The hills could be full of the sounds of strong men twisting their mashy niblicks.
12:05There we are, love.
12:10There's your change.
12:11Did you enjoy that?
12:12Good, good.
12:13You will come again, won't you?
12:15I'll tell you through what it looks like and everything.
12:17Now, find yourself pressing that rope, won't you, love?
12:18Yes.
12:19Bye-bye.
12:19What's up with you?
12:35You're not well?
12:37No sarcasm, please.
12:38Well, all this unaccustomed activity deserves some comment.
12:48I mean, every other time I come in here, it's like you've got rigor mortis.
12:51Oh, very humorous, love.
12:53My only fear was that one day we'd have to bury you with your elbows still on the counter.
12:59Lex says that marriage is two people sharing a bathroom.
13:04Like they do in prison.
13:05Mind you, I'm not saying I've seen you move briskly before.
13:09There was that memorable occasion when you lowered your idle fat butt on my hot plate.
13:15I thought I'd just clear up a bit earlier, that's all.
13:18Oh, this is going to be good.
13:23Let's hear it, then.
13:25Why?
13:26Why?
13:27Why?
13:28Well, er...
13:30Why should we be tied to a rigid timetable?
13:34Oh, I mean, man's not a machine, he's a creature of impulse.
13:37Ah, and that Sarah Gledill's got your finger marks to prove it.
13:40That's the trouble with you women.
13:42You expect every day to be the same.
13:44But the spirit of man will not be confined in any merciless routine.
13:48I mean, look at Gorgian.
13:49Gave a good job up in a bank to go and paint Dusky Maidens in the South Pacific.
13:53Oh, he's a mucky devil.
13:55No, it was just something he had to do.
13:56Well, you try laying a paintbrush on Sarah Gledill, I'll break both your elbows.
14:01Oh, I don't think we'll do much this afternoon.
14:05I thought we might close up a bit early.
14:07Oh.
14:08I could take the van, you know, and collect them spuds you've been wanting from Morris'.
14:10Liar!
14:17All right, I'm going to pick Mrs Gledill up.
14:20I'm going to turn the van into a portable place of pleasure.
14:22You're going golfing with them three lunatics.
14:25I heard you arranging it.
14:26Oh, come on.
14:29Go.
14:29Go.
14:29Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go
14:59Oh, twinges of cramp in the calf.
15:15It's the disability feared most by all virtuosos of the bicycle.
15:20I thought you were struggling a bit, coming up that tail.
15:22I almost thought for a minute that you were going to get off and walk.
15:25Ah, it was just an idea I had.
15:32It makes you wonder at the divine purpose
15:34when there's all this fleshy padding at the back of your leg
15:38and none round the front where you need it on the shin.
15:42Hey, look at this lot.
15:49Fancy being up for municipal rape and finding that lot on the jury.
15:53They say that Hitler's bodyguard
15:58was composed almost entirely of lady golfers.
16:01Did it?
16:02Ah, where the hell is he?
16:05I bet he's sneaking in some practice with them curly clubs.
16:08Oh, he wouldn't do anything on to hand or dishonourable.
16:11Foggy's the kind of old-fashioned idiot
16:13who wears his cock-ups on his sleeve.
16:15And here comes the cock-up now.
16:16What's the matter with you two?
16:29Have you been drinking?
16:32Oh, God.
16:33They're going to show me up in front of the Tory party at play.
16:36Hey, it's fancy dress day.
16:38You would have thought anybody going that far
16:40would have put a red nose on, wouldn't you?
16:42Yes, well, you've not spent too much time
16:45in selecting a suitable sporting outfit, have you?
16:47I changed my jacket.
16:49Yeah, I'm trying to work out what it is you've changed it for.
16:51Listen, that's my sporty jacket.
16:53I wear this at Donkester Racy.
16:55Here.
16:57You can carry these.
16:58I want you to hide behind them.
17:01Never a look in your direction.
17:02I want to see plenty of golf bag
17:04and very little you.
17:08He's made you his caddy.
17:10Oh, Ty.
17:11He's got to give you a tip.
17:15Gary Player gave his caddy all his winnings.
17:19He's not going to win anything.
17:21If you do it for a penny a stroke,
17:23by the end of the day,
17:24you'll be able to pay off the national debt.
17:26How are the greens?
17:42I'm not going to carry this lot around.
17:44Watch out!
17:45What are you doing?
17:47I thought you should have one of them.
17:50Oh, where's Big Mouth from the cafe?
17:52There's no point in starting without him.
17:54I mean, he's not the kind
17:55to take a gentleman's word for the score.
17:59What's the time?
18:00Just a moment.
18:02There we are.
18:03Goodbye.
18:06What's that shirt off?
18:07What are you?
18:08What's wrong?
18:08What are you?
18:09Get off.
18:10Yeah, great mini.
18:11You've got me arm in me pocket now.
18:15Suppose they think we're related.
18:17Oh.
18:24What are you doing?
18:27I don't know.
18:27Charging, too.
18:28Oh, that's all right.
18:30I have every time.
18:31OK.
18:36Good afternoon.
18:40Oh.
18:42Keep him out of here.
18:44Shh, shh, shh.
18:46Shh, shh, shh.
18:47Shh, shh, shh.
18:49Don't do anything.
18:50Don't say anything.
18:51Just take your cue from me.
18:53Sit down there.
18:58No.
18:59Sit down there.
19:06You'll take that revolting hat off.
19:08Now, while I'm at the bar,
19:10don't move.
19:11If you stir a muscle,
19:12I'll slice both your ears off
19:13with a fore eye.
19:15Now, oh, chub,
19:17what are you drinking?
19:18I'll have a pint.
19:19You'll have a half.
19:23It's not a blasted filling station.
19:25And when you get it,
19:26try to drink it
19:27without getting froth
19:27all over your face.
19:29You don't get froth
19:29on Natchwater.
19:30We can't.
19:31Keep your voice down.
19:34He's got a voice
19:34rougher than his chin.
19:35Ah, good day to you, Stuart.
19:39Thank you, sir.
19:40We'll have three halves
19:41of your sparkling ale, please.
19:43One each for us
19:44and one for our, er...
19:45Right.
19:46...caddy there.
19:47Hey-ho, Henry Cotton.
19:49If I've got to stay
19:50in this steaming jungle,
19:51can I have a packet
19:52with a monkey nut?
20:02There's been a source
20:03of embarrassment
20:04to me all day.
20:05The humiliation.
20:07All I wanted
20:08was a bag of rotten nuts.
20:10He's given you
20:11a bag of clothes.
20:12You can't have everything.
20:13And the Lord appeared
20:15and said,
20:16I am the Lord by God.
20:18Whereupon they frowned
20:19upon him
20:20and were much displeased,
20:22saying,
20:22Oh, yes?
20:24And what's your handicap, then?
20:26Look at him.
20:27Just look at him.
20:30It's what you'd expect
20:30if you tried to summon up
20:31a small evil spirit
20:33at midnight
20:33in an ox-bam shop.
20:35Hey-ho!
20:35I'll bet there's
20:36some rubbish around here.
20:38Of course there is.
20:39And they're all
20:40very house-frold.
20:41Every hole's
20:42got a little number on it.
20:43I wish you'd pay attention
20:45to Foggy
20:45when he's insulting you.
20:47You can't insult him.
20:49I'm sure you could
20:50if you asked him nicely.
20:51You could if you asked me nicely.
20:53You could insult me.
20:54Go on.
20:54Go on.
20:55Go on.
20:56Go on.
20:59Oh
21:29Take that for me!
21:40I saw a rabbit!
21:42I saw a rabbit, I tell you!
21:46All right, I'll miss this one. I'll move on. I'll start at the second.
21:50Lulu, don't apologise.
21:52Who's apologising?
21:54I'll give this one a miss.
21:56That's very kind of you.
21:59Sorry about this.
22:05Hey! That were a book rabbit! I swear to you it was about that beak!
22:09That's a pony.
22:11Oh, what about that beak?
22:13You've forgotten your ball, sir.
22:17Ball, sir!
22:19And you, sir!
22:21Oh, well, we'll return them to him when we pass him on his way back.
22:29They're too expensive to lose.
22:31Well, the shop here pays a shilling for everyone you find.
22:35A shillard?
22:36A shillard each.
22:37Oh, you can forget that. Those are going straight back to their owner.
22:45A shillard? A shillard each.
22:47It's noticeable how impressed you've suddenly become by the game of golf.
22:50Mm.
22:51Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
22:53Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
22:58How the hell's he gonna hit it with, then?
23:01You'd be better off with a stick of rhubarb.
23:07Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
23:12A shillard.
23:15I'm not BYON.
23:17You're hard to do nothing before, man.
23:22I'm not by...
23:26Oh!
23:30Come on.
23:33There's...
23:49Oh!
23:51Oh, yeah.
23:52You're so fine.
23:54Oh, gotcha.
24:02Yes, there she goes.
24:05Yes, it's all coming back to me.
24:08All right, keeping the score then, that's one.
24:13Oh, where's Frogface?
24:15Oh, trust him to be absent in my moment of triumph.
24:18Where's he gone, up to that blasted rabbit?
24:20I shouldn't think so, not without help.
24:22But according to his measurements, it was four foot high.
24:26LAUGHTER
24:27I'm getting the hang of it now, you know.
24:53But it's all a question of compensating for the curve.
24:57Of course.
24:58Yeah.
25:02Oh!
25:02Oh!
25:03Oh!
25:04Oh!
25:05Oh!
25:06Oh!
25:07Oh!
25:08Oh!
25:09Oh!
25:10Oh!
25:11Oh!
25:12Oh!
25:13Oh!
25:14Ah!
25:15De Petri.
25:16At...
25:1743.
25:18I won't count that one.
25:48I've hit it, I've hit it, I've hit it, I've hit it, it's done for miles, you, come on then,
26:18chaps, get up, come on, on your feet, on your feet, follow me, come on, hop the fairway.
26:25Oh, look, there it is.
26:32Oh, look, there it is.
26:39Oh, look, there it is.
26:46Oh, look, there it is.
26:53Now, get your bargain balls here, four feet, I'll tell you, four feet, that's all they
27:07are.
27:08Here we are, sir.
27:09Thank you very much.
27:10I'll tell you, you won't buy balls like this anywhere else.
27:13They're only slightly soiled, there's hardly a mark on them.
27:16You've moved my balls.
27:17Ah.
27:18Oh.
27:19Oh.
27:20Oh.
27:21Oh.
27:22Oh.
27:23Oh.
27:24Oh.
27:25Oh.
27:26Oh.
27:27Oh.
27:28Oh.
27:29Oh.
27:30Oh.
27:31Oh.
27:32Oh.
27:33Oh.
27:34Oh.
27:35Oh.
27:36Oh.
27:37God.
27:38Oh.
27:39Oh.
27:40Oh.
27:42Oh.
27:43Oh.
27:44Oh.
27:45Oh.
27:46Oh.
27:47Oh.
27:48Alright, alright, you've made your point.
27:51Only the middle classes could take this seriously.
27:55Well, I'd better be off, otherwise you'll really think I've turned the van into a portable place of pleasure.
28:00See you.
28:01Ta-ra.
28:02Well, then, Borogger. Well, I'll see if you can get on, then.
28:12Drinks are on me tonight!
28:14All the bars are closed by now, except in downtown Majorca.
28:19That man, hold that lamp still.
28:23Dewhurst never gives up.
28:49I'm Donnelly, you can let me think I've split it up.
28:55I'm Donnelly, you can let me know.
28:57I had to rest from your world.
28:59I'm Donnelly, you can let me know.
29:01I'm Donnelly, you can let me know.
29:03I'm Donnelly, you can let me know.
29:05I'll see you next time.
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