Stephen Mangan is host, with guest panellists writer and comedian Andy Hamilton and comedian Chloe Petts joining team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop as they delve into the news.
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00:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
00:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:38Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:40I'm Stephen Mangan.
00:41In the news this week, near Pyongyang, Army Chiefs regret
00:45putting on a huge banquet for Kim Jong-un
00:48before he examined a new state-of-the-art submarine.
00:54LAUGHTER
00:58In Moscow, at Russia's May Day Parade,
01:01there's evidence that the President of Slovakia's piles
01:04have flared up again.
01:14And in Basel, during rehearsals for the Eurovision Song Contest,
01:18there are questions over how one performer in Moldova's entry
01:22made it past the censors.
01:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:40On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who recently won
01:43Pointless Celebrities, where she demonstrated her ability
01:46to score an unbelievably low number of points.
01:49That'll be annoying for Ian, who normally gets loads.
01:52Please welcome Chloe Petz.
01:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:58On Paul's team tonight is a comedian and writer
02:01who played Satan in the sitcom Old Harry's Game.
02:04He had to stop as Satan's views gradually became seen as mainstream.
02:09Please welcome Andy Hamilton.
02:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:17We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:19Paul and Andy, here are yours.
02:21Right, that's got to be the most boring race I've ever seen.
02:25Where did you get their flowers?
02:28Oh, the traditional sword dance with the journalist missing.
02:34Yes, it's Donald Trump in the Middle East.
02:37He was in Saudi Arabia, where he was talking about...
02:40He's very impressed with the gold palaces.
02:42And he's also been given the present of a jet, a Boeing 747,
02:46which he's going to sort of use for presidential purposes,
02:49and then when he stops being President sometime in the years to come,
02:52he will have it for his own personal use.
02:54But he's out there promoting peace by selling everyone war planes.
02:57Yeah.
02:59Yeah, a massive arms deal.
03:01Yeah.
03:02Worth $142 billion.
03:04Lovely.
03:05It's nice, isn't it?
03:06Yeah, it's all right.
03:07That is according to him.
03:08Yes.
03:09Yes, exactly.
03:10I mean, the last deal he did, he announced it was worth
03:12$8 billion trillion, and it turned out it wasn't.
03:15Right.
03:16I mean, I'm not saying everything he says is true,
03:20What did Trump spend 11 minutes doing?
03:22Was it praising the leader?
03:24He spent 11 minutes shaking hands with the seemingly never-ending
03:27queue of Saudi dignitaries.
03:29We've got some edited highlights of that.
03:31Oh, good.
03:32You want to see that?
03:33Yes, please.
03:34Here he is.
03:3511 minutes.
03:3611 minutes.
03:37Oh.
03:38LAUGHTER
03:39Oh!
03:40LAUGHTER
03:41Oh!
03:42LAUGHTER
03:43Oh!
03:44LAUGHTER
03:45Oh!
03:46LAUGHTER
03:47Oh!
03:49Someone went a bit rogue.
03:51LAUGHTER
03:52And there was an awkward moment when someone who wasn't welcome
03:55somehow got into the line.
03:56Let's have a look at that.
03:57LAUGHTER
04:01When he starts talking, there's a full 20 minutes where he goes
04:05through the election results in the US.
04:07Yeah.
04:08You can see the various heads of the Emirates and Saudi going,
04:11what?
04:12LAUGHTER
04:13He goes through the regions and he tells them the swing.
04:16Wow.
04:17And he says, it was a brilliant election.
04:19Everyone's going, what?
04:21He's probably thinking, what's an election?
04:23LAUGHTER
04:24APPLAUSE
04:30I mean, they showed a clip of him and there was an interpreter
04:33alongside him in the Middle East.
04:35I thought, what's the point of that?
04:37How's he going to translate into Arabic?
04:39He's just said a whole string of words that...
04:43I've no idea what they mean.
04:46Maybe he just sort of sits there going like that.
04:48LAUGHTER
04:52He said of the Saudi president, he said, handsome guy.
04:57Young guy.
04:59Strong guy.
05:00And it's just...
05:01You could get arrested for that there.
05:03LAUGHTER
05:06You've got to be very careful, but I quite like that that's the metric
05:09by which he's ruling a country, by hotness.
05:12LAUGHTER
05:14Well, not in Saudi, it's pretty hot there.
05:18I was talking about being, like, fit.
05:20I'm sorry.
05:21LAUGHTER
05:23He called him attractive, didn't he?
05:25Yeah.
05:26Young, attractive.
05:27And that is what Macron tried to exploit.
05:29Do you remember in that first term?
05:31Suddenly, you remember Macron was all over him,
05:33cuddling him, kissing him?
05:35Yeah.
05:36I think that clearly...
05:37I can't remember that!
05:38Yeah!
05:39I was in a hotel and I put it on and there was this channel.
05:43I remember now.
05:44Yes, that's right.
05:45And Melania burst in on the bedroom.
05:47Macron and Trump were in bed together.
05:49Trump looked up and said, it's called diplomacy.
05:54We've got a state...
05:55Do you think it's going to happen?
05:57I don't think the King's going to let that state visit happen.
06:00Do you not think?
06:01No, I think someone at the White House is going to get a phone call
06:04from one of the Prince's staff saying,
06:06oh, you won't believe what's happened.
06:09We've only found out that Windsor Castle is full of asbestos.
06:14What did Trump get that was purple but is usually red?
06:17Oh, I don't know about that.
06:18Oh, here we go.
06:19I don't think we should go there, should we?
06:21We should.
06:22What did he get that's purple but is normally red?
06:24Carpet.
06:25Purple carpet.
06:26That's absolutely right, yes.
06:27If you roll it up, you can still get a kidnapped journalist.
06:30There's some fake news around his dietary requirements.
06:32Do you know what that was?
06:33Oh, he got a McDonald's truck.
06:35Yeah.
06:36Was that fake news, though?
06:37Well, it was said that Trump asked for it.
06:39Oh, right.
06:40Actually, the Saudis arranged it as the truck.
06:43I mean, but it's a bit cruel on their part,
06:45because they put some stairs in there but no doors.
06:48What's wrong with Trump accepting a personal gift
06:51of a $400 million plane?
06:53Well, it's against the American Constitution, isn't it?
06:55It is, yeah.
06:56The Presidents aren't allowed...
06:58Well, there's a limit on the amount...
07:00Yes.
07:01..of value of a gift a government employee can accept.
07:03Any idea what that limit is?
07:04$45.
07:05It's $480.
07:06Oh, is it?
07:07So he's not much over, then.
07:08It's close.
07:09It's close.
07:10But it's also, like, illegal to assault women,
07:12but he also did that as well.
07:14So it's not really going to stop him, is it?
07:16Right.
07:17No, it's not.
07:18It's not.
07:19APPLAUSE
07:20Well, it said it goes to the presidential library.
07:22Yeah.
07:23There are very few libraries in this country
07:25that have their own planes.
07:26Yeah.
07:27If it's in a library, it's in a library.
07:31Yeah.
07:32If it's in a library, can you go there and ask to take it out?
07:35Yes.
07:36LAUGHTER
07:37Somebody has to stamp it.
07:39The Attorney General, Pam Bondi, has come up with a legal
07:43technicality that allows Trump to accept the gift
07:47based on what principle?
07:54Well, close.
07:55It's the principle of...
07:58It would be stupid not to.
08:00LAUGHTER
08:01What's Trump giving in return for this $400 million?
08:03Well, this is what I want to know.
08:05Melania.
08:06Do we...?
08:07LAUGHTER
08:08Listen, have you seen Melania recently?
08:10She's not out there.
08:11She's not been seen.
08:12There's a funny new bump on the White House lawn, apparently.
08:15LAUGHTER
08:20I just thought it'd be fun to start a rumour that she murdered his wife.
08:24Well, in return, he's building a $4.2 billion golf course
08:28in the Qatari desert.
08:30So, if he's building a golf course in the desert,
08:32aren't the sand traps going to be rather extensive?
08:34LAUGHTER
08:36He insists the Qataris' gift of a brand-new luxury airplane
08:39comes with no strings attached.
08:42And the US presidential plane has been renamed Air Force Uoas 1.
08:47LAUGHTER
08:48I thought it was going to be called Sleazy Jet.
08:51LAUGHTER
08:53Yeah.
08:56Salma's going to be furious, though, isn't he, with the Qataris?
08:59Because he appointed himself as Grobbler-in-Chief
09:03when he went along to the Oval Office, you know,
09:06and handed over that envelope containing his dignity.
09:10LAUGHTER
09:17I think it's quite unfair of the Qataris,
09:19the way they've out-Grobbled everybody else.
09:22Yeah.
09:23Because they're a fantastically rich country,
09:25so they can give him a plane.
09:27How's Britain supposed to compete with that?
09:29What can we give him? A family ticket to Thorpe Park.
09:33LAUGHTER
09:35Trump said, we have a special relationship to the Saudi leader.
09:39I mean, he used the exact words, and this is his first visit,
09:42which suggests that, I mean, this is incredible to believe,
09:45but Britain is not the most important country in the world.
09:48LAUGHTER
09:50Get your mouth out of this!
09:52Who else came on the Saudi trip with Trump?
09:54Elon Musk. He did. Yeah.
09:56Let's see how much fun Elon Musk was having.
09:58I bet he's having a great time.
10:00LAUGHTER
10:07And Trump's told a story about a businessman
10:10that is believed to be Musk this week.
10:13Let's have a look at Trump telling this story.
10:15I mean, I'll tell you a story.
10:17I had a friend of mine who's a businessman.
10:20Very, very, very top guy.
10:22Most of you would have heard of him.
10:24Highly neurotic, brilliant businessman.
10:27Seriously overweight.
10:29LAUGHTER
10:31And he takes the fat shot drug.
10:34And he called me up and he said,
10:38President... He used to call me Donald, now he calls me President,
10:41so that's nice respect.
10:43But he's a rough guy, smart guy.
10:45Very successful, very rich.
10:47I wouldn't even know how we would know this,
10:49because he's got comments.
10:51President, could I ask you a question?
10:53I'm in London, and I just paid for this damn fat drug I take.
10:58I said, it's not working.
11:00LAUGHTER
11:02He said, I just paid $88,
11:06and in New York I pay $1,300.
11:09What the hell is going on?
11:11LAUGHTER
11:16Is he going to put a tariff on a Zempik? No.
11:19Musk was a keynote speaker at the US-Saudi Investment Forum,
11:23which sounds fascinating.
11:25What cheery prediction did he make?
11:27Was it AI? No.
11:29Musk said, ultimately there will be tens of billions
11:32of humanoid robots roaming the Earth.
11:35Let's have a look at one of them.
11:38LAUGHTER
11:40APPLAUSE
11:46They're very lifelike, apparently, these humanoid robots.
11:49They have detachable hands.
11:51The Saudis.
11:52LAUGHTER
11:56At the end of the Investment Forum,
11:58The Times reported the Crown Prince and the President shook hands
12:01as the village people's YMCA blared out.
12:04Just kiss already!
12:06I know.
12:07Well, the Saudi secret police were taking down the names
12:10of any locals who seemed to know the dance.
12:13What about China?
12:15Who are you doing there?
12:17It's like he's in the room, isn't it?
12:19Yes, but we don't know who it is.
12:23Mind you... I know.
12:25It's John Inman, are you being served?
12:27I'm free.
12:29Yeah, that's him.
12:30What about China?
12:32I'm free.
12:34How's the trade war been going?
12:36Both he and China have reduced the tariffs back down to 10%
12:39from being 300% each.
12:41So they've got reciprocal tariffs, which are exactly the same,
12:44and beforehand they weren't anything.
12:46Yeah.
12:47So he's achieved nothing at all.
12:49Who's going to the peace talks on Ukraine in Turkey?
12:52Not Putin.
12:53No.
12:54Trump says he might go.
12:55Right.
12:56But then he said he wouldn't go.
12:58I think this strategy that Putin had of keeping people guessing
13:01whether he's going...
13:02It's very unfair on the caterers.
13:04Yeah.
13:07President Trump won't be going and he said of Putin,
13:09why would he go if I'm not going?
13:11Because I wasn't going to go, but I wasn't planning to,
13:13but I would go, but I wasn't planning to go,
13:15and I said I don't think he's going to go if I don't go.
13:17Like, oh, my God, Dan, you're so right, he's such a bitch,
13:20but you should have told Scarlett.
13:27This is the news that Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman
13:30of Saudi Arabia welcomed Crown Prince Donald Binfire of America.
13:40Trump was accompanied by several US businessmen,
13:43including Elon Musk, who had come to Saudi Arabia hoping to sell
13:46a lot of driverless cars, particularly to women.
13:51Qatar has presented Trump with a lavish gift
13:54in the form of a $400 million Boeing jumbo jet
13:57described as a palace in the sky, prompting Camilla to say to Charles,
14:01you may need to give him something else
14:03to go with the Duchy Originals marmalade.
14:06Ian and Chloe, here are yours.
14:09That's it. Camdami, that's Enoch Powell.
14:13That's him looking out to sea, looking for ideas.
14:16There's Yvette Cooper doing something or other.
14:18It looks like that man's holding a lactation device,
14:21and this man looks like he can lactate beer.
14:24Oh, that's a horrible image.
14:28You're welcome. Oh, wow.
14:30Nigel Farage with beer spouting from his breasts.
14:33He's going to stay with me.
14:35I think that's lovely.
14:38What's going on here?
14:40The Labour Party have decided that now is the time
14:43to get tough on immigration.
14:45And Stalmer made it absolutely clear that this has got nothing
14:48to do with reform winning all the seats in the local election
14:52and losing the by-election.
14:54And this is what all new governments do in this country.
14:56They come in and they say, we're going to stamp down on immigration.
14:59Then they find out that quite a lot of industries need workers.
15:04And particularly the care industry.
15:07But there has to be some policy,
15:09and successive governments haven't found one.
15:11And Keir is going to sort it out.
15:15You don't... You don't know what you've grown for.
15:19Quite often their answer is, oh, AI will fix all this, doesn't it?
15:23But AI won't empty the bins and the bedpans.
15:26You know, AI is...
15:28Oh, you don't know. I mean, you say that.
15:30I can imagine a robot saying, had another piss this morning.
15:38Salute you if it takes away your piss in a bucket.
15:41That's my dream.
15:45Which phrase did Keir Starmer use that was particularly controversial?
15:49He said island of strangers.
15:51And Enoch Powell said strangers in their own country.
15:54What is it? Keir Starmer's island of strangers,
15:56Enoch Powell's islands in the stream?
15:59And, to be fair, the tone was very different to Powell,
16:04because he didn't say it in a sinister, creepy voice.
16:08He did a bit.
16:10Yeah, but if it was Powell, he would have said,
16:13we could be living on an island of strangers.
16:17See, that was almost as good as your John Inman.
16:20It sounded a bit like Napoleon.
16:22I thought it was Paul McCartney.
16:24No, he spoke like that.
16:26I remember when I first joined the Beatles.
16:30He had two options, right.
16:32He could sort of go the way of reform,
16:34or he could rebel against reform. Yes.
16:36And he's just sort of, he's gone round the back of the bins
16:38and been like, all right, Nige, you know, sort of... Yeah.
16:41Nige is there smoking his cigar,
16:43Keir's probably having a watermelon vape.
16:50We keep saying on this show,
16:52the number of illegal immigrants is very small,
16:54but the number of legal immigrants is very, very large.
16:56And the Conservatives let in, you know, in 2023, 900,000 people.
17:01So, if you're letting in a million people in a year,
17:03in ten years, that's 10 million, in 20 years, which isn't that long,
17:06you've added a third again to the country.
17:08So, you do have to do something.
17:10Well, I mean, perhaps we should have a sort of Tertullian spirit,
17:13because during the war, we managed to stop the Germans
17:15getting here, didn't we? Yeah.
17:19So, are you saying everyone's welcome apart from Germans?
17:22Is that your immigration? That could be a slogan, certainly.
17:27What, stop the crowds? Yeah.
17:29Well, I think that's a bit racist. Up yours, Fritz Adobe, for me.
17:34The actual measures, one of them is, as I understand it,
17:37that you won't be able to get into Britain
17:40unless you have a decent command of English.
17:43So, I think that's a lot of British holidaymakers
17:45who are not going to get...
17:48APPLAUSE
17:53That's rather snobbish, Andy.
17:56Yeah, there is a... Yeah, no, there is a snob inside me.
18:04Clyde Cymru MP Liz Saville-Roberts
18:07had a question for the Prime Minister in PMQs.
18:10Shall we take a look at Liz in action? Yeah.
18:13So, I ask him, is there any belief he holds
18:17which survives a week in Downing Street?
18:22Yes, the belief that she talks rubbish.
18:27Mr Speaker...
18:30That was a good comeback. Yeah.
18:32And the bloke sitting next to her turned around and said,
18:35he got you there, didn't he?
18:37I believe that's called a drive-by. Yeah.
18:40A mixed reaction from the two behind him,
18:42because Rachel Reeves thought it was hilarious,
18:44but Angela Rayner didn't. Shall we have another look? Yeah.
18:46Yes, the belief that she talks rubbish.
18:51I think Angela Rayner's angry because she was going to do that gag.
18:54Yeah.
18:56Is any other country less bothered than the UK
18:59when it comes to mastery or proficiency of English?
19:02Australia. France.
19:04The US.
19:06Here is Donald Trump inventing a new word.
19:08The rest of the world's going to have to pay a little bit more
19:11and America's going to pay a lot less.
19:13Again, because it's a much smaller population
19:15than when you think of the whole world.
19:18So...
19:20Basically, what we're doing is equalising.
19:23There's a new word that I came up with,
19:25which I think is funny.
19:31Good, isn't it? Yeah, it is a good word.
19:33We didn't have it before, but we did.
19:36No. According to Robert Ford, Professor of Political Science...
19:39He knows nothing. ..at Manchester University...
19:42Bob. What did he say? Any ideas?
19:44He said, I haven't been sober for a month.
19:48He said...
20:02Or to give it a real-life example, the Talbot pub in Blackpool,
20:05the UK's first reform pub.
20:08Right, I'm down at the Talbot Reform Pub in Blackpool.
20:13Got a bit of painting done.
20:15It looks like a real pub with atmosphere, doesn't it?
20:18Is it a converted crematorium?
20:21They only serve bitter.
20:30What has Nigel Farage got more of than any other UK politician?
20:34Is it beers named after him? It's not.
20:37More legs. More legs.
20:39More than any other UK politician,
20:41Nigel Farage has got digital clout.
20:44Oh, dear, you can get ointment for that.
20:48Apparently, he gets 14 times more engagement
20:52in terms of likes, comments and shares
20:54than any other political party. Wow.
20:5614 times more. That's not a high bar, though, is it?
20:59Well, Ed Davey's out there doing good work, isn't he?
21:02What hope do the Conservative Party have?
21:05Have you got any hope left?
21:07Well, maybe there is this sort of divide opening up,
21:11this spat, isn't there?
21:12Rupert Lowe MP has called...
21:16Nigel Farage a cult? Yes.
21:18Oh, OK.
21:20And he called him a coward and a viper.
21:23Yeah. Which is quite a combination.
21:26That could be the name of their new pub, couldn't it?
21:28The Coward and the Viper.
21:31Well, according to the former Director of Communications for Reform,
21:34Gawain Towler... Yeah.
21:36..the Conservative Party have this hope...
21:38I've heard senior Tories say the best thing is that he smokes and drinks
21:41so he's probably going to die before then.
21:43If that's the best they've got...
21:45Ooh, our best chance of winning this election
21:47is if Farage has a hernia or something.
21:50But if that's your strategy, waiting for him to pop his clogs,
21:54seems to be a bit threadbare.
21:58I didn't know you could still get your hair cut in 1947.
22:01I didn't know that.
22:03Also, is he on ketamine or am I?
22:07What has Keir Starmer had to deny doing on a train
22:10with Emmanuel Macron?
22:12Oh, yes.
22:14Yes, taking cocaine.
22:16Yeah, exactly right.
22:18He had to deny that he, Macron and German Chancellor Friedrich Merz
22:21were taking cocaine en route to Kiev after this video emerged.
22:25And look out for the drugs paraphernalia they hide.
22:36Macron is apparently hiding a bag of cocaine.
22:39Merz is concealing a cocaine spoon.
22:41Yes. How do you know that?
22:43You don't, it's not true.
22:46It forced an official announcement by the Elysee Palace,
22:50who had to say it was not a Class A substance.
22:52It said, this is a tissue for blowing your nose.
22:56The Russian Foreign Ministry were quick to amplify this.
22:59They said, it's like the joke,
23:01an Englishman, a Frenchman and a German got on a train and did a line.
23:06I mean, that is a bit like a joke.
23:10What's the latest calamity been blamed on Ed Miliband's net zero targets?
23:14No, what's he done now?
23:16Curry houses are doomed.
23:18No! Doomed!
23:19We're all doomed, according to The Sun.
23:21Tandoor ovens used in many restaurants are gas-powered.
23:25It will prove too costly to switch to cleaner electricity.
23:30According to The Sun, Shadow Energy Secretary Andrew Bowie said...
23:42Hello, Andrew, are you OK?
23:47The poppadom pirate.
23:49Thank you. Staying with climate news,
23:51what a weather forecast warning is on the horizon.
23:53Drought. Yes, a spring drought is predicted.
23:56Yes. Which is a worry for farmers.
23:58Yes, it is. Especially in Norfolk.
24:00This farmer, he apparently grows the country's entire supply
24:03of Kit Kats.
24:05Across many parts of the UK, the land is looking parched.
24:08On the ground, it already feels like a drought.
24:12Yes, this is Keir Starmer's controversial speech on immigration.
24:15Keir Starmer warned that Britain was at risk
24:17of becoming an island of strangers.
24:19Good, said every Londoner while not looking up from their iPhone.
24:24Among the reforms that Home Secretary Yvette Cooper has introduced
24:27is a plan to allow migrants in, but they can only...
24:30Oh, no. I'll go back and do that again.
24:33Among the reforms that Home Secretary Yvette Cooper has introduced
24:37is a plan to allow migrants in...
24:39Yes, that was right.
24:42I think that, technically, this means you can't enter the country.
24:46I can't. I can't. I've got no command of English.
24:51Among the reforms that Home Secretary Yvette Cooper has introduced
24:54is a plan to allow migrants in, but only if they can do...
24:59So that's bar work and pole dancing.
25:03Time now for Round Two.
25:04Having travelled the length and breadth of the country,
25:06looking for Britain's most talented artists,
25:08I'm delighted to introduce the animal portrait...
25:13..of news.
25:14Fingers on buzzers, teams.
25:19Somewhere across the other side of the building,
25:21a toilet has just flushed.
25:25Has there been somebody up there for 35 years
25:27just waiting for this opportunity?
25:31It's a duck that's been tied to a large lump of cheese.
25:34Nope.
25:35It's a duck that's been filmed. Is that a camera?
25:37Yeah, it's a camera.
25:38Speed camera. A duck that's been speeding.
25:40Speed camera is the right answer.
25:42What?!
25:43A duck...
25:44A duck in Switzerland has been caught speeding
25:47in the town of Koenitz on a speed camera
25:50travelling at 32 miles an hour in a 20-mile-an-hour zone.
25:54Here is the evidence.
25:56Well, we can't see it moving there,
25:58so that's not holding up very well.
26:01Well, we can't see it moving there,
26:03so that's not holding up in a quarter of a look.
26:05Right. That could be the answer to all speeding camera finds.
26:10This may not be the first offence this particular duck has committed.
26:13No, I wouldn't have thought so.
26:15What else is it suspected of doing?
26:17Shoplifting.
26:19Bigamy.
26:23You want to say yes, don't you?
26:25I do. I wish it was bigamy.
26:27I think this is the second time this duck has been caught speeding.
26:30Really? Yep.
26:31A duck was caught speeding by the same camera
26:34at the same speed on the same day seven years ago.
26:40Are they sure it's the same duck?
26:42Well, let's have a look.
26:44Looks like the same duck to me.
26:46That's the same duck.
26:48That is the same duck. It is, isn't it?
26:50Local police would have put a quack team on the case.
26:56Is that why we did this question?
26:58Literally.
27:00This is a duck in Switzerland caught speeding at 32mph.
27:04In fact, the only time a duck travels faster and more recklessly
27:07is if it's travelling with hoisin sauce and pancakes
27:10on the back of a Deliveroo bike.
27:12That is true. That is true. That's scientific.
27:18Your career's come to this, hasn't it?
27:20I went to RADA.
27:22LAUGHTER
27:26Ian.
27:27It's the hawk that always features on this programme...
27:30Yes. ..that attacks people.
27:32And it's now had therapy.
27:35And it's OK again. Yeah.
27:37And so it's back in the wild. Is that right?
27:40It's not back in the wild, but it is doing a lot better.
27:42Yeah, this is the news, the hawk.
27:44But it was attacking bald men in... You want to pay attention to this?
27:47Yeah.
27:48Attacking bald men in...
27:49It should have been put down in my book. Yeah.
27:52In Flamstead, it's been doing very well in rehab.
27:54Oh, that's nice.
27:55You may remember we did cover this story before
27:57about a hawk in Hertfordshire. Yes.
27:58It was attacking villagers for a month before it was captured.
28:01Here is the hawk.
28:03And what do we know about the hawk's recovery?
28:05He was in the priory with a lot of other famous hawks.
28:08Yeah.
28:09Name some.
28:11Bob Hawke.
28:13Chesney Hawke. Yeah.
28:16Yeah.
28:17What did the rehabilitation involve?
28:19Was it, like, exposure therapy that, like, Andy Hamilton
28:22sort of got paraded in front of him and he had to...
28:25And he was like, hold me back, hold me back, that sort of thing.
28:28That was the hardest 300 quid I've ever earned.
28:33This is the news that the notorious Flamstead hawk has been tamed.
28:37One previously attacked resident was delighted to hear
28:39that the hawk had been captured, saying...
28:41I am delighted we are not going to be invaded.
28:44I'm not a betting man, but I think reform?
28:49Fingers on buzzers, teams.
28:54Dolphins can sing. What?
28:56Who said that? I said dolphins can sing.
28:58Oh, I thought it was a dolphin.
29:00They sing to each other.
29:01It's got a dolphin with musical notes coming out of a balloon
29:04attached to its snout, so there must be...
29:06Dolphins sing to each other, they communicate by singing,
29:08songs from the show.
29:09Yeah, it's not that they... They whistle.
29:11They communicate, they whistle. They whistle.
29:13They have a special whistle. Do you know what it signifies?
29:15Yeah.
29:18I'm here.
29:19That they find another dolphin very attractive.
29:21Like a...
29:24That's only the builder dolphins.
29:27New discovery, researchers in the US have noticed
29:29that if dolphins detect something strange happening
29:32that they don't understand, they make what scientists are calling
29:35a WTF whistle.
29:37Oh.
29:38What do you think a dolphin sounds when it's caught by surprise?
29:41WHISTLE BLOWS
29:42That's the clangers, isn't it? Yeah.
29:46It's very close to your Enoch Powell, to be honest.
29:49Was Enoch Powell ever in the clangers? That's a dog whistle.
29:51Yes.
29:56Let's hear... Let's hear the dolphins' whistle. Yeah.
29:59WHISTLE BLOWS
30:00Shall we hear that again? Yeah.
30:02WHISTLE BLOWS
30:04That sounds quite bird-like, isn't it?
30:06Yeah.
30:07Are you sure you haven't been had with this story?
30:10In other animal news, what are sea lions better at than humans?
30:14Juggling balls on their nose.
30:16That's true.
30:18Snap!
30:19Architecture.
30:20Architecture's not the right answer, nor is bigamy,
30:22just before you go there.
30:25According to scientists at the University of California,
30:27sea lions are better than humans at keeping a beat.
30:29Ronan, a 15-year-old sea lion from California,
30:32was taught to bob her head in rhythm and is just as precise,
30:35if not better, than humans.
30:37Take it away, Ronan.
30:44Why are we being shown this?
30:48This is the news that dolphins have a way of saying WTF.
30:52There is also a sea lion that just loves bobbing its head
30:55along to disco music, unlike its friends,
30:57the seals, who absolutely hate clubbing.
31:01Fingers on buzzers, teams.
31:06BUZZER
31:07They've been filming chimpanzees in the wild
31:09and discovered that the chimpanzees self-medicate
31:11and also there was a baby chimpanzee that was rubbing a leaf
31:14on a wound that its mother had, and this has not been observed before
31:17and it shows that chimps are very well aware
31:19of which plants are medicinal.
31:21Yeah, and they know it's an early health system
31:23because there's queues of chimps throughout the whole jungle,
31:27about five miles long.
31:29Lead researcher Dr Elodie Freeman of Oxford University
31:32is very excited by these findings.
31:34If you plop me down in this forest without food or medicine,
31:37I doubt I'd last very long, but chimpanzees thrive there.
31:40Yeah, but isn't that because they're chimpanzees?
31:46What else did researchers observe chimps practising?
31:50Is it that they wipe their butts... Yes.
31:53..with leaves? Yeah.
31:55Is it? Yeah, they exhibit self-care practices.
31:58They wipe their bottoms and they observed cleaning up after sex,
32:03hopefully using different leaves.
32:06When you say cleaning up, do they do laundry?
32:11Can I just say that using a leaf to wipe your...
32:15I did that when I was a Boy Scout.
32:17That's what you did.
32:19What badge were you going for?
32:22I was going for the self-care arse-wipers badge.
32:28Chimps aren't the only ones to be learning first aid.
32:30Here's the King preparing for every eventuality
32:32before breaking the news to Andrew
32:34that he's finally being evicted from the Royal Lodge.
32:47This is the news that chimps give each other first aid
32:50and wipe their bottoms.
32:51They don't fancy a job in a care home, do they?
32:54It's very rare for a primate to enjoy close proximity
32:57to the bottom of another great ape,
32:59but Keir Starmer does his best with Donald Trump.
33:02Time now for the Odd One Out round.
33:04Just one between you this week.
33:05Right.
33:13Who was that? Who buzzed? Paul.
33:20Yes, this must be about name changes, isn't it?
33:23So, the Gulf of Mexico, Trump has called it the Gulf of America
33:26and Google in America has been one of the companies that said,
33:29yes, it's called the Gulf of America until Trump goes.
33:32It'll end up being the Gulf of Donald.
33:35Yes.
33:36Oh, I don't want to see the Gulf of Donald, do you?
33:40Meghan, she can't call herself a Royal Highness, can she?
33:43But she has done.
33:44I've decided not to follow stories involving Meghan Markle...
33:49Yeah. ..cos I'm prioritising my mental health.
33:52Yeah.
33:54W.H. Smith, they've sort of recently had to sort of come off
33:57the high street.
33:58They used to be W.H. Smith and Son, a long time ago.
34:00And Tata Sauce has changed its name by reversing the letters.
34:03It's become Rat-Rat Sauce.
34:05That would be good, wouldn't it? Yeah.
34:07It is about changing...
34:08And she sent her card to a friend... That's right.
34:10..and then put it online.
34:11She's not meant to call herself a Royal Highness,
34:13but she did on this card, so she's the Odd One Out.
34:15Is the right answer. Yeah.
34:19So why is the Duchess of Sussex no longer supposed to use
34:22her HRH title? Cos she's not a working royal.
34:25Exactly right.
34:26When Meghan and Harry moved abroad,
34:28Buckingham Palace issued a statement saying...
34:45And a lovely letter M for...
34:49You've triggered me now.
34:52Somebody's going to have to sit with him now for the next hour.
34:55Yeah. A hawk. Yeah, a hawk.
34:59What is Prince Harry not happy about now?
35:02Is this his security? Yeah.
35:04Well, he lost a court case. Yeah.
35:06And he lost in the appeal case and he complained about it again.
35:10Yeah, that's exactly right, yeah.
35:12He lost his case twice for automatic police protection when in the UK.
35:16Three senior judges rejected his appeal in a ruling
35:19labelled Crown vs Ginger Bollocks.
35:24Although our lawyer has told us that we shouldn't say Ginger Bollocks,
35:28he's asked us to point out Crown vs Ginger Bollocks
35:31should be the other way round.
35:33Ginger Bollocks vs Crown.
35:36All of Britain's high street WH Smith stores are to be renamed
35:41after their sell-off to Hobbycraft owner Medela.
35:44They've been taken out by a company called Jones.
35:46They're going to be called TG Jones.
35:48TG Jones, yes. Yeah.
35:50I know what you're thinking, Ian.
35:52Didn't he play centre-half Reverton in the 40s?
35:54And you're right, TG Jones did. Here he is.
35:59What does it make you feel, that name?
36:01Proud, Jones. Proud.
36:03My own feeling was that WH Smith have, in fact,
36:06kept the WH travel shops, which, you know,
36:09sell very good magazines and outlets,
36:12including railways and airports.
36:15So don't give up on Smiths entirely.
36:18They're still fulfilling a vital public service.
36:23WH Smith's new owners, Medela, say the new name, TG Jones,
36:27continues the sense of family.
36:30Yeah, the sense of getting your nan a load of old tat for Christmas.
36:34What have Heinz changed the name of their tartar sauce to?
36:38What was the problem with tartar sauce?
36:40I mean, don't get me started. OK.
36:42It's now got to be known as, for some reason,
36:45Fish and Chips Sauce.
36:47Oh! According to Heinz's, and this is a real job,
36:51Director of Taste Elevation...
36:57..and his name is Tiago Rapp...
37:00I've seen in front of that and you've got a very accurate name.
37:03Yeah. The sauce has been crafted to be the perfect companion
37:07for every fish-filled occasion.
37:10Is anyone here partial to a fish-filled occasion?
37:14I can't think of anything worse than an occasion filled with fish.
37:19Particularly if it was a warm day.
37:22It's not going to be good. In the Gulf of Donald.
37:26How is the new Fish and Chips Sauce different from the old sauce,
37:29the old tartar sauce? Is it exactly the same?
37:32It's exactly the same.
37:34The same basic ingredients as the original tartar sauce
37:37but described by Heinz as tartar 2.0.
37:42Fuck everything.
37:49They have all changed their name, apart from the Duchess of Sussex,
37:52who is still using her HRH title despite being told not to.
37:55Meghan has admitted calling herself Her Royal Highness
37:58to a select group of friends, also to some neighbours,
38:01to her business associates on her LinkedIn, her email signature,
38:04all her gas, water, electricity and broadband bills,
38:06as well as her Walmart loyalty card.
38:09Harry's court case has cost him £1.5 million,
38:13which hopefully Meghan can cover by selling 15 pots of jam.
38:18Time now for the Missing Words round,
38:20which this week features, as its guest publication,
38:23Swimming Pool News.
38:25It costs £4.99 plus a pound for the locker.
38:29And we start with...
38:33World's biggest veneers?
38:36Breaks world record for being a diamond geezer.
38:39You're doing my turnip.
38:41I'm trying to get that as a phrase.
38:43Doing my turnip? Doing my turnip.
38:45It's a phrase I've come up with the last couple of days.
38:47I want to get that into the English language.
38:48One day I want somebody on the East End to turn to another character
38:50and say, you're doing my turnip.
38:51Well, you know what you need to do? What's that?
38:53You need to find a Swede to say it for you.
38:58The answer is man from Billericay breaks world record
39:01for catching largest carp.
39:03Here is David Nock with his world record winning £105 carp.
39:07Wow.
39:08Now, that is a fish-filled occasion.
39:10Yes.
39:12Yes. Absolutely.
39:14This week, a man fishing in Lake Windermere
39:17also netted a massive carp.
39:19Although that later turned out to be a typo.
39:26Next, in 1994, what changed the face of swimming pools forever?
39:31Add in water.
39:34Baruchas.
39:37Is it mosaics of Alan Titchmarsh?
39:40I think you're going to kick yourself.
39:42Yeah, go on.
39:43In 1994, the introduction of variable speed ventilation fans...
39:46Aw!
39:47..changed the face of swimming pools forever.
39:49Next, adventurous pensioner plans to spend six weeks what...?
39:52Wearing somebody else's teeth.
39:54No.
39:55No.
39:56Trying to remember his PIN code.
39:59Adventurous pensioner plans to spend six weeks...
40:05Oh.
40:06This is brother John Green.
40:08A lot of people find themselves sitting next to a nutter on the bus,
40:11but for some reason, it hasn't happened once to John Green.
40:15During his journey through Norfolk,
40:17he sampled the famous crabs of Cromer.
40:20Yes, those bus seats can be a bit unhygienic.
40:24Next...
40:29Ship goods to Leamington Spa.
40:31Build a swimming pool.
40:33Is the right answer!
40:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:41The article describes the exciting new facility as...
40:46..before adding...
40:50Next...
40:51Next...
40:58Shooting it down with her air rifle.
41:02It was a great episode, wasn't it?
41:04Blue Peter legend Valerie Singleton recalls the time
41:06she waved at a hot air balloon before remembering she was topless.
41:12I really don't remember that episode.
41:14No?
41:15No, she was commentating on Trooping The Colour.
41:17Oh!
41:18After realising her mistake, Valerie Singleton said...
41:23Luckily, she was able to fashion a bra out of old yoghurt pots
41:26and sticky-backed glasses.
41:28Finally...
41:31Lived on beer, I saw this story, in deal.
41:33Is the right answer!
41:35Leah the cat was trapped under the neighbours' floorboards
41:37for three weeks and was found with a half-drunk can
41:39of French lager nearby.
41:40Here is Leah the cat after being rescued.
41:45As you can see, absolutely delighted.
41:48As was her owner.
41:52As soon as the cat went missing, the owners put up posters,
41:55though, unfortunately, the only picture they had
41:57was one the cat had texted her boyfriend in private.
42:05So, the final scores are...
42:08Ian and Chloe have three, but Paul and Andy are this week's
42:10winners with nine!
42:12But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
42:15All right, well, President Xi is saying,
42:18you pour the tea and you drink it first.
42:30Here's a bonus one for you.
42:32Camilla plants a friend for Charles to talk to.
42:36In a moment of compassion, Prince of Wales
42:39In a moment of compassion, Prince Andrew is given
42:41a much-needed drink.
42:49On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
42:51Ian Hislop and Chloe Petz, Paul Merton and Andy Hamilton,
42:54and I leave you with news that at a nursery school in Michigan,
42:57one player throws a tantrum,
42:59insisting they did win that game of Snap.
43:05In a crime crackdown in Bolivia,
43:07the nation's three most prolific shoplifters
43:09are paraded through the streets.
43:13And in Regent's Park, at their annual group outing,
43:16a member of the Society of the Hard of Hearing shouts,
43:19let's have a big cheer for the organisers.
43:25Goodnight.
43:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE